All language subtitles for Cougars.Inc.2011.BDRiP.AC3-SANTi.eng.[OCR Fixed]

Fixed most of the OCR errors.
(Ripping errors): Xenzai[NEF]

# Inside my memory #

# There's a list
of forgotten things #

# Tracing back to
an Indonesian restaurant #

# And outside on the patio #

# There's a man
named Horatio #

# He makes his living
selling dreams #

# He calls them fantasies #

# Gimme some more #

# Some more of your love! #

I run...

a successful

underground escort service.

I recruit from a rec room

on the third floor of my dorm

where I pimp the kids
from my boarding school.

In fact, I have two
of my boys right here.

And they are
just one table away

from one of my tricks.

Now I know you've probably
got about 20 questions

right on the tip
of your tongue.

Well, if you must know,

then let us begin.

Sam!

Over here.

Sam, you have been kicked out

of a couple of very prominent

boarding schools in this country.

- Okay, yes, but about that--
- Stop.

I read your transcripts.
You've got a 3.87

three years and running.

You've got some kick-ass
writing samples to boot.

You also clearly have
a problem with authority.

And it just
makes my mind wonder,

"What exactly
am I in for here, Sam?"

Okay, noted.

But here is the thing:

I wasn't exactly kicked out
of all my schools per se.

I am somebody that you would
consider a victim of, um...

- Circumstances?
- Circumstances, yes.

And you know what?
Most people don't believe it,

but...

I've journaled about it, man.
You can read it if you want.

Just give me the Cliff Notes.
Summarize, Sam.

# Donkey see, donkey do #

# I don't wanna go to school #

# Hey baby blue, put your feet
on the ground #

# Feet on the ground #

# Let your head spin around #

# Talk about the sun,
forget about the moon #

# Tell me not to leave
not a day too soon #

# Donkey see, donkey do,
I don't wanna go to school #

# Danke, try to make my day,
I don't wanna participate #

# Yeah #

# Hey baby blue,
put your feet on the ground #

# Feet on the ground,
let your head spin around #

# Talk about the sun,
forget about the moon #

# Tell me not to leave
not a day too soon #

# Donkey see, donkey do,
I don't wanna go to school. #

- Mom.
- Sam?

That's tough.

Nah, you know, it's just kinda...

par for the course
when your mom's an ex-Playmate.

Well put.

I know your mom.

Hmm?
Really?

You know, Sam,
she's a nice lady.

Batshit crazy,
but she's a good chick.

So is that you?

That, my friend,
was the Eliminator tour.

Eight years of more pussy
than any one man could ever handle...

which, by the way,
is why you should wear a rubber.

Or you'll find yourself
knocking up the wrong groupie

and trading in your dream

of a harmonica solo
with Billy Gibbons

to become the headmaster
of a private academy.

But...

I love my daughter.

She taught me
how to respect women.

Or some shit like that.
You ready for the $5 tour?

This is our history department.
lan, get off that cell phone.

Oh good.
'Cause I'm a history nut.

I'm a really big fan
of the French Revolution,

especially Napoleon.
l love Napoleons.

They're very tasty.
Have you ever had one?

So you're a writer and a dick?

I'd be careful of your roomie here.

I hear he's a bit of a strange bird,

Iikes to whip out the fifi bag

when the lights go down.

What is a fifi bag?

Bukowski term.

What is a Bukowski?

A Bukowski?

Well, it's not a Rusty Trombone

or a Gorilla Mask.
A Bukowski is a writer.

A poet?

Come on.
"Notes from a Dirty Old Man"?

"Ham on Rye"?
"Post Office"?

Hm-mm.

Well,

it's good you're continuing your education.
You came to the right place.

You keep your GPA up,

no swearing within earshot,

and stay out of trouble,

so I can keep you

from getting your ass
kicked out this go around.

Capisce?

Yeah, of course.

Plus, how much mayhem
could I possibly cause

in a school that's got
tea cozies on the wall?

# Eff that,
take the radio back #

# I'm coming
with that stadium rap #

# I got the stadium packed #

# From the front to the back,
make the stadium clap #

# Let's keep it moving,
I see you workin' #

# Fly girls, freaks
and the virgins #

# Take the radio back #

# Chris Young coming
with that stadium rap #

# Hello, C Young
with the stadium raps #

# She ain't a Kimora Simmons,
but the baby is phat! #

# And I keep
my cranium packed #

# With more Uranium than
they didn't have in lraq. #

Hey!

Knock it off.

Look, I can explain.

- You know what? Sir, I can explain.
- Shawn and his friends

- tried to smoke us again.
- It wasn't his fault.

- You called me Snoop, racist.
- That's a lie.

You said degrading stuff
about my stature, dipshit--

- I mean, Shawn.
- Sir, it's true. He started it.

- Shawn.
- What?

Come on. You're not actually gonna
buy this side of the story, are you?

You're teasing and fighting
with the new kid already?

And you wonder why
you're a fifth-year senior.

- Dan--
- Sir!

Sir.

He walked in, we were hanging out,
he punched me in the face.

Blame is the first sign
of weakness.

Now apologize.

- Fuck that.
- Fuck that?!

Headmaster?
Language? Demerits?

Does any of that ring
a goddamn bell to you?

This is bullshit.

Tuck in that damn shirt

and be in my office
in 10 minutes.

Come here.

Well, you do have a string
of bad luck, don't you?

- That's the worst kid I got.
- I told you.

Yeah?

Well, why don't we try
to change that now?

That's a good idea.

Go make some new friends.

Now.

Sam.
Sam, thank you so much.

You are our savior.
I'm not gonna lie to you.

That guy's such a douche.
He does that all the time.

We should hang out sometime.

By the way, I'm Jimmy.
This is Chuck. This is Teddy.

Where are you from? I'm having
a hard time, but I'm thinking it's Manhattan.

I'm getting this tri-state area
kind of thing. New York?

Yeah, it's New York
with that handshake that you're doing.

Okay, calm down.
Look, it's good to meet you guys

and I really appreciate
the camaraderie

in front of the headmaster
back there, but I gotta...

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
For sure. No worries.

Um, thank you.

And just in case
you want to know--

like when you realize that this place
is a complete shithole--

we'll be waiting.
We'll be here.

- Right here, bro.
- Cool.

- If you need a friend...
- Sounds good.

Thank you.

# It's just another story
with a hook, line, sinker and a snag #

# It's only good if they
make you think it's bad #

# And I make my day
with the jagged little lines of fear #

# Till I find out I got nothing near #

# Out at the seaside stomp #

# It's just another story
with a hook, line, sinker and a snag #

# It's only good
if they make you think it's bad. #

Okay okay,
first of all, first of all--

don't hog it
'cause I bought that.

And of course.

Ooh-hoo.

Well well well.

Look who it is.

It's actually surprising.
I thought it would take longer.

You want to partake in some
recreational substance abuse?

I got some Scotch--
single malt.

- Go for it, bro.
- That's good, actually.

So stoned.

You guys are all right.

- No no no no.
- Shh.

Oh yeah, be quiet,

'cause Jesus Christ absolution
is just mere steps away.

Oh, but seriously.

I beat off to your mom.

What?
What?

Don't act like you're surprised.
You know me.

It's no offense,
no offense.

No offense. Just if you're gonna
be friends with us,

you should know.

- Multiple times.
- All right, come on, dude.

- She's fuckin' gorgeous.
- It's fine. It's fine.

It's fine.
It's my cross to bear.

Look, to even the keel,
if it makes you feel any better,

my dad's partner
was Bernie Madoff.

- Ouch.
- And my mom's a freak.

My dad, he's an ex-baller.

Says I cramp his
any-given-Sunday lifestyle.

Yeah, and I'm Asian.

He is. You should see this guy
drift in a Honda Civic.

Dick.

So what's there
to do around here?

So this is Main Street, huh?

Yup.
Open weekend--

the final frontier.

I fuckin' love
the weekends, bro.

I love the girls.

Go talk to them.

What do you mean?

What do you mean
what do I mean?

We've been walking
up and down this street.

You've seen
the same girls all day.

Go up, say hi.
Go talk to them.

Sam, if you haven't noticed,
we're not that cool.

Oh, come on, Chuck.

Except for Jimmy. He's got all the bitches
on lock, ain't that right, Hef?

- God damn, man.
- Fuck both of you. I'm plotting, assholes.

You know that's how I do--
why would you-- such a dick.

You know what? You guys
hold that thought. I'll be right back.

- Where you goin', man?
- I'm gonna go talk to that girl.

I probably should have
wingmanned that one, huh?

Hi.

I'm sorry.
Do we know you?

- Um...
- This is the eye-fucker from Moore.

Oh my God,
you're the eye-fucker?

I guess I am
the eye-fucker

and I've been
completely called out.

So congratulations.

Well, thank you,
thank you.

So now that we've got the
pleasantries out of the way,

do you care to sit down
and join us for a latte?

- Yeah.
- Great.

- I'm Courtney.
- Hi.

And this is Angie.
And you are...?

Uh, Sam.

- Well, nice to meet you, Sam.
- What up?

Hi.

Well, what are you doing

on this glorious sunny day,
young Samuel?

I'm just kind of
hanging out with my friends.

Oh, you have friends.

Well, that's novel.

All my friends are dead
if you were wondering.

Well, except for her,

but she's not really a friend
so I guess that doesn't count.

- Thanks, bitch.
- I love you.

- I love you too.
- Make-out session later?

- What's so funny?
- You. You're funny.

He's charming.

God knows I'm trying.

Hold that thought.

Hello.

Yeah.

Okay.

Wow.

Fine. Fine.

Okay, bye.

- We got to jam.
- 10-4.

What do you mean?
Why you going so soon?

We're just-- just starting to
have so much fun.

It's my mom-- she's crazy and she spit
in a bartender's face now.

- So we got to go pick her up.
- Sweet.

Crazy bitch. Sounds like my mom.
They should probably carpool.

That's-- he's funny.

You're cute too.

All right. I'm thoroughly bored
with this now.

I'm gonna get some
motherfuckin' fudge.

- Do you want any?
- I'm-- I'm good on the motherfuckin' fudge,

- but thanks, girl.
- Bye.

Nice girl.

So, uh, same time,
same place next weekend?

Yeah.

- Phone, please.
- I'm sorry. What?

So I can put my number in it
so we can make plans.

Do you have Asperger's
or something?

I don't know
what's wrong with you.

Well, I just don't think
we're at the swapping--

swapping digits phase yet.
It's all moving a little fast for me.

Oh, I see.
It's so fast.

Well then, no number for you.
Well done, prince charming.

- Good job.
- Yo, tampon,

we got to go pick up
your alkie mother.

Wait two seconds.
Jesus, Angie.

Hi. Sorry.
Here here.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Nice fucking work, dude.

- Will you be my mentor?
- That'll be nice.

- That was amazing.
- Okay, let's not jump on him all at once.

Let's have some coffee
like some civilized people.

- You don't even drink coffee.
- #Cause it tastes like shit.

"And so I return
to the question at hand.

Do we resign ourselves
to the sad truth

that our existence is purely
an exercise in human folly?

Or do we embrace every moment
of that existence

and forget about what it might
amount to one day?"

Now we all know
what Camus thinks--

It's fucking "Cammuss."
Crazy, right?

- It's Camus, you idiot.
- It is?

Do you guys ever read?

Sam?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Uh, uh, sit down.

Uh, yeah.
In a second.

I've got to tell you
something, though.

I, um...

met a girl.

And one that's not
in a straitjacket,

which is a pretty big
improvement for me.

- Sam.
- And then

I'm actually pretty sure
I completely aced

my literature presentation

thanks to your
recommended reading.

- I'm going out on the streets with this...
- Sam.

...'cause I had no idea that
French-Moroccan existentialism

could be just
so damn fascinating.

Sam, I just got off the phone.

Your mother can't pay
for your school anymore.

We had a good run.

You know, you were, uh--

you were cool,
my friends were cool.

I got a little Bukowski
out of it,

but I guess at the end
of the day,

even my mom's tits
aren't recession-proof.

Yeah.

Come on, man.
I left my ID in my room.

l don't feel like
going to get it.

- Can you please just give me a drink?
- Nice try, junior.

He's with me.

Yeah, I-- I'm with her.

That's why I don't have my ID,
because I left it in our room.

So how about you
just pour me that drink?

While you're at it,
you can refill hers

and when you're done, you can bring it
to the table. How about that?

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

And also, thank you.

You looked like
you needed it.

Oh boy, I did.

I actually still do.

Um, I'm Sam,
by the way.

- I'm Alison.
- Good to meet you, Alison.

Rough night?

Gotcha.

- Me too.
- Yeah.

My husband's mistress

showed up
at my house tonight

to complain to me about
how he's cheating on her tonight.

S-s-shit.

I mean, I'm sure
that he can explain.

He's really good at explaining.

He's a very good explainer.

- Like, he could've explained--
- Yes, okay. Right, look,

- Okay, here we go.
- --that I was married--

Why don't we do this?
Why don't we do this?

Your husband's
a fucking asshole.

Okay?
I would...

I mean, what?
He goes out

and he cheats on you?

Twice?

And then he fuckin'
tries to explain?

What are you talking about?
Who the hell cheats on you?

I mean, look at you.
You're beautiful.

You've got these eyes,
they sparkle.

They're like diamonds,
you know?

God, what?

That was really bad.

That just...

- won't sound genuine.
- Oh good.

No, it's a good thing.

So... so you go to school
around here or something?

Yeah, kinda.

- Kinda.
- Kinda?

How old are you, Sam?

18.

Yeah, I should probably

get out of here
and get going.

You probably should.

I'll buy you another drink.

My husband probably
shouldn't have cheated on me.

- Twice.
- Twice.

So...

- So...
- So...

I'm gonna stay
in town tonight.

Just tell Riley
that I love him.

Okay?

Okay. Bye.

Is this creepy?

Creepy?

This is freaking amazing.

This is crazy.

I'm not that old,
you know.

I'm not that young.

Technically I'm not even
a senior anymore

because I can't pay
for my tuition.

This is fun, right?

Yeah.

This is fun.

You have an amazing ass.

So hey, you wanna
have fun again?

Absolutely.

I could have fun all night.

- I bet you can.
- I can.

- Good.
- Great.

- Less talking, more doing.
- Okay.

All right, so let me
get this straight.

This chick was hot,

brought you to her suite,
got you drunk,

had sex with you
multiple times

and left you with a fucking
check in the morning?

Yeah.

That's fucking amazing. Why don't shit
like that ever happen to me, Jimmy?

It can.
It can.

Yeah.
Sam, she's got friends, right?

- Yeah, she's got friends.
- And you have money problems.

- Yes, I have money problems.
- Okay, so?

- So what?
- So hook it up.

Dude, it's not
what you think.

I don't even know
if I'm gonna call this girl again.

Okay, this is like
a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

Yeah, or like
a once-in-a-week time thing.

- You fuckin' know it.
- You know what I mean?

Guys, stop.
Come on.

Look, if you haven't
already guessed it,

- I'm a virgin, okay?
- Yeah, I know.

$500 is good.
I get it, okay?

l don't know
what you did with it,

but the fact
of the matter is

if we could parlay that
into two grand a week,

Sam, we could pay for your tuition
in two months or less.

Like that. You could stay in school
and we could all hang out again.

Plus we'd be bringing joy to
unhappily-married women everywhere.

- Whoa whoa whoa.
- Yes!

And Teddy, by the way,
great valid point.

Selfless-- I like
where your head's at.

- Thank you, sir.
- He made a valid point.

I'm just saying.
The fact of the matter is

there are probably
tons-- tons

of smoking hot milfs

waiting for some young
guilt-free kielbasa.

All you have to do is make the connection,
pimp this shit out

and it's done. It's a fuckin' wrap--
bills on you.

You want to lay in bills?
You want to take a bath in bills?

Okay, could you please stop listening
in on our fucking conversation?

I'm sorry.
It just sounds awesome.

I mean, if you ever
need any help...

Yeah yeah, sure.
We'll give you a fuckin' call.

Just stop looking at me.

So...

Hey, do you think
we can carve out

a little bit to do
a scholarship for a kid

who's having some
financial problems?

- What?
- Well, you said we had a little extra.

Well, not entirely extra.

It's for Sam Lowell.

We're a boarding school,
not a commune.

I think we should concentrate
on the kids that are already here

as opposed to some charity case
you might want to bring in.

Bruce, this is not
a charity case.

All right?
This is a good kid.

I mean, what do you think
we do here as teachers?

We're here to inspire.

Well, I'm all for inspiring,

but we're in a recession.

- I know that.
- I can't even get enough money

for new band instruments.

Coach Jackson wants new turf
for his lacrosse field.

I'd like a little money
for my Women's Lib program.

What do they need
to know about women?

You tell the good-looking
ones they're smart

and you tell the smart ones
they're good-looking.

Look, I'm trying to have
a decent conversation--

This is a conversation.
You're not listening.

- Sir?
- What is it, Cy, what?!

Sam Lowell is back
on campus.

He says he can pay
for his tuition.

Hello?

- She answer it?
- I don't-- hello?

Is that my mom?

Ali, it's Sam.

- Sam?
- No, it's for your mom.

- It's Sam.
- Hey.

- Hey, who was that?
- Uh, it's...

- just a friend.
- Your mom's a cougar.

So I'm glad you called.

Yeah, me too.

Look, anyway, I was
just thinking about

how great
last weekend was.

And I was wondering if maybe
you weren't busy this weekend,

- we could...
- Do it again?

- Yeah.
- I thought you had to leave school.

No, I do.
Well, I did.

Anyway, that's kind of
what I wanted to talk to you about.

I don't know if this
sounds weird or anything,

but I was wondering
if maybe this weekend

you could bring
some of your friends...

Sit your ass down.

...and I could bring
some of my friends.

And then some of your friends
could give some of my friends,

uh, some letters too,

you know, to help
for my education fund?

- Oh.
- Or not.

I mean, it's totally fine.

It was just an idea.
Just a stupid--

It's not a stupid idea.

Ask him if he has any friends.

- They told--
- Are you positive he's here?

- I'm dead positive.
- In here?

Yes-- I mean, 95% positive.

- Hello?
- Sam?

Sam?

- Sam?
- What?

Hold on.
He asked me.

- Alison?
- Tell him yes.

- I don't know.
- What do you mean you don't know?

What's your fuckin' problem?

Alison?

Boys?

- Dan-o.
- Sir.

Um, sir,

if I may,

I think that we might
have found a solution

to Sam's little
economic issue.

A solution?

Uh, yeah. A job.

A job?

A job that pays
$20,000 a semester?

What is it?
Ponzi scheme?

- Nah, man.
- Well, sir,

my dad has some work
we can do for his company.

And see, it's a tax
shelter kind of thing.

- Tax shelter.
- Tax shelter.

Yeah, like a 501(c), sir.

- Is this a fuckin' joke?
- Sir?

Um... we, uh--

Sam has a down payment.

I can see it.

Okay.

Are you boys selling drugs?

All right.
I'll bite.

Welcome back, Sam.

Whatever you're doing,

keep it clean.

Yeah.

They're young boys,
pick of the litter,

and they're a hell of a lot cheaper
than a pair of Louis vuittons.

Which pair? Wait,
what are you talking about?

Judy, quit it.
We're not doing this.

- Will you stop?
- Doing what?

Why do you two
always exclude me?

It's 'cause
I'm younger, isn't it?

You just don't think
I understand--

- Enough.
- Whoa.

- What?
- Testy. Shit.

For your information,

Alison here is
acting all bitchy

because I want to set up
some paid playdates

with a few boys
from Moore.

- Playdates?
- Yes.

- You mean for shagging?
- Mm-hmm, I think it's so cool.

l think it sounds awful
and completely illegal.

Yes, it is, Judy.

Stop being such
a fucking square, Mary.

Mary is not a square.
She's old fashioned.

I'm sorry,
but marrying an agent

who's gonna help our little Ginger here
with her career

and give her a life of arm candy
doesn't make her old fashioned.

- It makes her a fucking moron.
- Oh my God, excuse me.

Okay, stop.

Mary, don't listen to her.

And you,
I've made myself clear.

I don't think
we should do this.

- What is the big deal? You already did it.
- And look at you.

It wasn't like that.

- Really?
- No.

You gave him
a check though.

You gave him a check?

Mary, I love you,

but we're much older than you
and there are certain things--

She is in just as shitty
a relationship as you.

Stop justifying this.

- We all know your husband--
- Fine! I fucked him.

I paid him.

But I was just trying
to help him out.

He's a decent kid
who was having a hard time.

So why don't you want
to help out your kid again?

What is the big deal?

It was a mistake, Judy.

Oh, please.
It's a mistake?

Are you kidding me? It's a mistake now that we
want to have some fuckin' fun?

But with you it wasn't
a mistake, right?

Right. No.

- Alison.
- Mary.

I think it sounds
invigorating.

You know what?
Let's just set it up for us.

And we'll find
some new girls for Sam.

What?

I need this.
We need this.

- Come on.
- You know, I don't know about this.

Oh shut up, Mary. When was
the last time someone fucked you

- so hard you couldn't walk?
- Oh my God.

Jesus fucking Christ, Judy.

You know, now that
I think about it,

I think it sounds
really fun!

- Are they fit?
- Fit

and they are willing.

It's so true.
There is nothing sweeter

than a boy's worship
of the female body.

Excuse me.
Who are you again?

Oh, this is Dominica, darling.

- She's from South America.
- I met her at the PTA last week.

She's our new BFF.

By the way, you have
a beautiful home.

So what do you say?

Mmn.

Un minuto!

# Let's party till we die... #

No, Fleming,
it's not gonna work.

Hey, babe, I'm off out.

Tell 'em to put it on hold.

What part of "no"
don't you get?

# FeeIin' so electric #

# Feelin' so electric,
welcome to my party #

# Night of the living zombies #

# I'm rubbing on her body #

# We rolling on a lolly #

# Rollin' on a marley #

# Rollin', r-rollin' #

# Let's party till we die,
let's party till we die #

# No need no reason why #

# Can't stop us,
let 'em try #

# Let's party till we die,
let's party till we die #

# Let's party till we die #

# Everyone is vibing,
we fizzin' and we fuzzin' #

# Can't find nowhere in private,
so we do it in public. #

I think they want to meet.

Let's do it.

# Are you ready to rock? #

So, Judy, right?

Yeah.

So, Judy, what do you think?

- About what?
- Come on.

Let's cut the bullshit.
Let's get to what we came here for.

- Excuse me?
- Exactly.

- Sorry about my friend.
- It's okay.

Dude, change it!

I like your suit.

and I'm feeling these slippers.

- I've got this too.
- very nice.

- I think you're really handsome.
- I am?

Mmn.
Mary.

- Charles.
- What a lovely name.

- So's Mary.
- I know.

Thank you.

Wait, that's perfect!
Don't change it!

That's perfect.
Thank you.

Where is she?
Ali! Ali?

- What?
- Ali!

Wait, do you know
what this reminds me of?

- No.
- # Reach out and touch-- #

- Come on, Ali. This is so awesome.
- Judy.

- What?
- Nothing.

- Nothing?
- Nothing.

Let me tell him.
It's a funny story.

Alison had a little more
than "nothing"

with the lead singer
of Depeche Mode

- in her moody early '20s!
- Do you ever shut up?

No.

I was a total
rock 'n' roll bitch,

- but our--
- Groupie.

Were we groupies?
Okay, we were groupies.

But our Ali here

was so into Mr. Gahan's
personal penis!

Shut up, Judy.
You just need to relax.

- He rocked, right?
- Relax.

You relax. At least you weren't a groupie
for INXS or something.

What the fuck is INXS?

Oh shit.

Oh, just drink up, stud.
Show me your room. I'm bored.

- Right now?
- Yes.

Come on.
Let's go.

- Bro, where are you going?
- I'm gonna show her my fucking room.

- Shit. You wanna go to my room?
- Okay.

Guys, we could leave you two alone
if you like as well.

Oh, can we now?

Well, I mean,
if that's okay with you.

Yeah, all right.
Why not?

Have fun, kids.

What does that mean?

- You're so good.
- I'm good? You're better.

I don't have this
at home, baby.

You don't have it at home?
You can take it home right in your pocket.

Great big nino everything!

Show me what you're working with!

You're such
a good kisser.

Thank you.

You're very, um...

Excited?

- Stop squeezing my tits.
- Okay!

All right, I'm sorry.

You're squeezing 'em.

- I'm not fucking squeezing 'em.
- Okay okay.

Oh, here we are.

Oh, fuck my pussy, yeah!
Yeah yeah!

Is that Depeche Mode?

Is that your "personal Jesus"?

That's him.

My personal penis.

# Hey yo, girl,
you look like a twister #

# The way your hips move
when you walk, sister #

# You wanna tell me what
I need to make you mine? #

# I wanna rock you
to the beat tonight tonight #

# All the girls on the street
like rocking to the beat #

# They like to talk about the boys,
talk about the boys #

# All the girls on the street
like rocking to the beat... #

I haven't had to use
my Rabbit in weeks.

It's true.
And they're even polite.

Really?
Do they have more friends?

My boyfriend
just dumped me.

Mine too.

I thought you were married.

Whatever.

# I wanna dance all night
under the moonlight #

# Baby, won't you hold me tight
one more time #

# I wanna hear
the beat bounce #

# Back and forth
against the disco walls. #

Hey, babe,
guess where we're going.

- Where? Hawaii?
- Minnesota.

Final fuckin' Four!
Right here, babe.

# I'm a cougar, she's a cougar,
we're all cougars #

# Men love cougars, don't you
wanna bang a cougar too? #

- # Bang a cougar #
- # I'm a cougar, she's a cougar #

# We're all cougars,
men love cougars #

- # Don't you wanna bang a cougar too? #
- # Bang a cougar #

- # At CougarLife.com #
- # Bang a cougar #

# Don't you wanna bang
a cougar too? #

CougarLife.com recently...

Holy shit.

Chuck! Chuck!

Chuck, come in here.
Gotta check this out.

- What you looking at, man?
- Look, it's CougarLife.

It's a social network for eligible women
of a certain age.

Dude, it has everything.
Look at this, look at this.

Locations,
interests, cup size!

This is gonna be amazing.
It's gonna give us

a whole new clientele
for all of our new recruits.

- What new recruits?
- Just watch and learn.

I don't know, Jimmy.
I don't think Sam's gonna like this.

Shut the fuck up.

We're joining.

I will not disappoint you, sirs.

I'm Patrick, by the way.

Well, Patrick, prepare yourself
for a whole new lifestyle.

# Party people
in the place to be #

# This is dirt
motherfuckin' nasty, baby #

# If you a bitch, put your motherfucking
hands up in the air #

# Like this, what? #

# All the girls in the club tonight #

# If you're gonna
give it up tonight #

# Put your motherfuckin'
hands in the sky #

# Hey, girl,
can I get with you?

# All the girls
in the club tonight #

# If you're gonna
give it up tonight #

# Put your motherfuckin'
hands in the sky #

# Hey, girl,
can I get with you? #

# Hey, girl,
can I sniff with you? #

# Hell yeah,
I wanna get with you #

# I live out in Malibu #

# 'Cause New York
is less liveable #

# Dirt nasty,
got your mama starin' #

# Flip-flops
with the Donna Karan #

# Chop chop,
speakers blaring #

# Fuck the world,
I'm an American #

# Don't make it
difficult #

# My dick is biblical #

# If I wanted
to hit it, girl #

# I'd whip it out
in the living room #

# This shit
got the haters rockin'... #

Are you--
are you recording this?

What-- is that a problem?

# I get Lil' Wayne
to spit on my album #

# All the girls
in the club tonight... #

Ride it harder!

Come on, doggie.

Ooh!

- Tell me that you love me.
- I love you.

- Say it like you mean it.
- I love you!

Oh God, this is way better
than internet porn!

Ooh, you got me a present.

What you got in that bag?
Let me see what you got.

Turn around
and pull down your pants.

What the fuck you mean,
turn around

- and pull down my pants? I ain't--
- Now!

- Sam?
- Courtney.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey. Don't forget little ol' me.
- Hi, Angie.

- And this is Todd.
- Tom.

- Whatever.
- We met on Facebook.

- Cool, man.
- I'm the third wheel.

- Sounds like fun.
- Boatloads.

- I can hear you guys.
- We know.

So how #bout you?
What are you doing behind a liquor store

- at 10 PM?
- Nothing.

Really?
He's wearing a suit in an alley.

Yes, and I can explain.

Here you go. Four bottles
plus one Aliz? and one white.

Thank you.

- Where were we?
- You were lying.

- I knew he was lying.
- Aren't you supposed to be on a date?

All right, fine.
Fine.

- Todd, let's go hook up in the car.
- It's Tom.

That's what you do
on a date.

- So where is your car?
- Wow.

Yeah, sorry.

I'm a bitchmagnet.

Must be in the DNA
or something.

Yeah.

By the way,
sorry about before.

Well, not right before,
because you are lying

and I am going to get
to the bottom of that.

The before where we were supposed
to hang and I didn't show.

That before.

- I bet you thought I flaked.
- No, you know, I just--

- I figured--
- Well, the thing is my mom--

she's, uh--
she's been having issues

and I've been having
to deal with them.

Dad thinks it's over, which means me
and my aggro older brother

have to take care
of Mommy dearest for now.

- Jesus.
- Yeah.

What can I say?

She's a nightmare.

But so are a lot of women
like that in this town.

I mean, you would be surprised
on what goes on behind closed doors.

So what did you say
you were doing again?

Are you-- are you okay?

Yeah, I think I just broke
a champagne bottle.

Whoa, you having
a party or something?

Yeah. No.

Which one is it?
Yes or no?

Yes and no.

- Gotcha.
- Shit. Wait.

Look, hang on,
hang on, hang on.

Wait wait wait wait.
Look...

It's not like that.
My buddy Chuck, his mom's sick.

We're just gonna hang out,
cheer him up, talk shit.

- Drink champagne?
- Yeah.

- You're lying again, aren't you?
- Yes.

What are you really doing?

Nothing, okay?
I promise it's nothing.

Ow! Is that a retainer?

Fine. You wanna grab breakfast
with me tomorrow or something?

I just asked you out.

- ls that weird?
- No no no, that's not weird.

That's great.

It's amazing.

- So breakfast.
- Yeah, I'm not promising anything.

Just waffles.

Oh, and no Angie.
That's... yeah.

Oh, if there's no Angie,
then yeah. Hell yeah.

So 10:00 AM
Med's coffee shop on Third?

- Great.
- It's a date.

- Well, I mean, it's--
- I can't wait.

Well,
you gotta go, right?

So...

Yeah.

- Okay.
- Okay.

See you at 10:00.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Yeah?

It happens
to everybody.

So maybe
you're just drunk.

No, I didn't
drink that much.

Well then, maybe
you should drink.

No, I should not drink.

I got to-- I got
to tell you something.

Okay.

I met somebody.

Oh.

I met somebody. I haven't done
anything with her or anything.

We haven't even
gone out on a date.

I'm not even really sure
what's gonna happen with it.

It's just kinda got me thinking
a little bit, you know?

Yeah.

Got you thinking, huh?

But, I mean,
if you wanna just

wait a minute--
a couple minutes or whatever,

I'm sure I could...

No, 'cause I know how much
this means to you.

- Excuse me?
- Shit.

No, wait.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Hang on.
Look, that did not come out right.

Okay? I said that
completely wrong.

Look, I can't do this like this.

I...

It's okay.

# I was 21 years
when I wrote this song... #

# I'm 22 now... #

You know what?
I've got to take care of my family.

Where's my coat?

Come on.
Just-- can you--

can you wait?
Please? Just wait.

Just... wait.

Good night.

Bye.

# Once my heart
was filled #

# With the love
of a girl #

# I held her close #

# But she faded
in the night... #

Yo!

Sam?

- Hey.
- What are you doing, man?

- Yeah, just--
- Oh, you're writing?

- Yeah.
- Jesus Christ. In a place of worship.

Sam Lowell, I never
thought I'd see the day.

That makes two
of us, brother.

Oh hey, I got
your check last week.

- Oh you did? Good.
- Yeah yeah.

- So work good?
- Yeah, work's-- you know, it's work,

- But it's good.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, you want to grab
something to eat?

I think the last shuttle's
pretty crammed.

I'll take you wherever
you want to go

and you can tell me all about how
they screwed up The village.

- Sounds good, man, but I got--
- I got, uh...

- I got, uh...
- Work.

You're working now?

Not like--
well, not like this work,

but I do have, like, work work
in a little bit.

Chuck's dad needs me
to drive around

some of his
business associates

acting as, like, a valet. I don't really know
what the hell that means.

But I think I've got
to wear a tux.

Tux. Fuck.

Sorry.

All right.
Well, maybe another time.

You know what? I'd like to have you over
to the house for dinner sometime,

introduce you to my family.

Yeah, man,
I'd love to meet your family.

Really?

- Yeah.
- All right.

Well, you have
a fun time at work.

Shut off the light
when you're done.

- Yeah.
- There's a switch right over here.

Okay.

Oh man.

Mmn, so what do you think of him?

Strong hands, nice lips--

I definitely approve.

- What, balloon boy?
- Mm-hmm.

Are you completely off your rocker?
He's a child.

And what the fuck
is Chuck?

Cock don't have an age, Mary.

It's true.

You know what?
Fuck this.

I'm getting a divorce and marrying
someone my own age.

Well, that's
a little overdramatic.

Right?

What the hell her
fuckin' problem is.

So seriously, how much
do you think he'd cost?

l think you can
get him for five.

Fuck yeah.

That's just a charity case.

Look at Ali.

That bitch.

She's gonna fuck him
and not even tell us.

Ali!
Whoo!

Over here, girlfriend!

Ali!

- Girls.
- Ooh, aren't you yummy?

- I'm Judy.
- Jesus.

What?
He's cute.

So where've you been?

I've missed you.

Sorry. I've just been
really busy with Riley.

Really? You've been busy
with a fuckin' three-year-old?

Gimme a break.
It's fuckin' bullshit.

- Excuse--
- Nothing. You're busy. You're busy. Sorry.

You're busy with Riley.
You're busy with this balloon boy.

Jude, Jude, what the hell
are you talking?

What are you
talking about?

Look at you. You're trashed
at my son's birthday party.

So what?
I'm having a good time.

No, you're here to scope out
teenagers for your weekly hotel party.

Oh yeah? Well, it's not
at a hotel anymore, babe.

- What?
- They moved it.

For your informa-ti-on,
they got a rental.

Oh and Mary here's getting
a divorce, by the way.

Judy!
Fuck's sake!

Nicely done.

Enjoy the cake.

Fuckin' party pooper.

Sam!

Oh shit.
What do I do?

Just relax.

Sam, over here.

Don't be a fucking rat.

He's not
a fucking rat, bro.

Sam.

What's up, man?

Take a walk with me.

- Hop on.
- Excuse me?

I need to talk to you
about something.

- You do?
- Yes.

I do.

Right.
Well, here's the thing:

see, I'm supposed to go
into town with my buddies

and I've never really been
on a motorcycle before, so...

Just jump on
the goddamn bike.

So what'd you want
to talk to me about?

Quit yourjob.

- What?
- Quit yourjob!

Look, Dan, before we
go any further, man,

I think I should
explain something!

I got a scholarship for you.

What?!

I got a scholarship for ya!

I told Bruce, "Fuck you,"

told the board, "Fuck you.

I'm the boss.

Give this kid a scholarship.

He deserves it."
Then they did it!

So you can quit yourjob,

go back to studying now.

Thank you!

I thought I was in trouble!

Nah nah.

I was just fuckin' with you.

Are you in trouble?

Uniforms. Put 'em on.

There's a bathroom.
You can use it if you want to to change,

but remember real women
like the fantasy of youth.

White is like heaven.

Real women like heaven.

And boys?

You're about to be dealing
with some real women.

Jimmy, what the fuck?

Shit. Hey.

- Sorry I started without you.
- What are you--

Everyone, say hello
to your founding father Sam.

Clap.

- We got to talk.
- Talk amongst yourself for a second.

- We got to shut this down.
- What?

You fucking ratted on us,
didn't you?

He doesn't know anything.
Back off.

Thank God.

Guys, we got to quit
while we're ahead here.

- Why?
- Because he took me out

and he told me that he was
gonna pay for my tuition, that's why.

Fucking Dan Fox?

Dan.
Look, man, he's a cool guy.

- I don't want to betray his trust anymore.
- Mm-hmm.

- It's the right fucking thing to do, Jimmy.
- I agree.

This whole thing
is just subversive.

At first I thought
Mary loved me.

Then I found out
she just wanted me for my body.

Yeah, and last week,
Dominica used a dildo

on me, bro.

So what?!

Who gives a shit?
Open up your eyes, brothers.

This little thing that we started

has turned into something bigger
than we could ever imagine.

Sam, this is
a cash cow business here.

If we keep this up,
we can start franchising soon.

- Franchising?
- Patrick's got a guy in Connecticut--

his dad owns
like a chain of hotels.

- What are you-- Patrick?
- I thought you hated that guy, Jimmy.

When opportunity knocks,

- you got to take it.
- Okay, stop.

This is our chance to go
big leagues with it.

James, come on, man.

It'll be fine.
Let's just put this puppy to sleep.

Fine, but guys, for me,
please.

We can end it.
Just give me tonight, okay?

I mean, Sam,
there's people at the door.

We can't cancel. The recruits
are all dressed up and excited.

Teddy, what do you say?
You've known me the longest.

What do you say?
One more night, one more party,

all of us together.

Fuck the girls,
fuck the bullshit.

Please.

Let's celebrate, huh?

- Fine fine.
- Yeah.

Okay, but look,
I'm serious, man.

- There's no more lying.
- No more lying.

After tonight.
One more night of lying.

Bring it in.

- Sam?
- Courtney?

Oh shit.

- What are you doing here?
- I was just walking my dog

and I thought I saw
my mom come up here.

Your mom?
No, that's impossible.

Um, do you live around here?

Uh, yeah.
Like a block away.

No shit.

So what are you
doing here?

Um, Chuck's parents
are in town

and they're doing a little bingo
for cancer thing. Just helping out.

Aw, cool.

Wait, what are you--
what are you doing?

I'll help.

What do you mean
you'll help?

Well, I'm done with homework.
You're here.

I'm here.
I'll help.

You know what?
How about this?

If you don't have
anything else to do--

they don't really
need me in there--

why don't we just
go back to your place?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I mean, as much as I love
just hooking up

in the back of your Prius...

You know, we've been dating
a little over a month

and I've never
seen your place.

What do you say?

Oh no.

Huh? What?

Headmaster Fox is your dad?

Oh shit.
You didn't know?

- I thought everyone knew.
- Nah, I'm new.

Oh, that's right.

Well, that's my dad

and that's
my train wreck of a mother.

Congratulations
on your ignorance.

Now you get to do
the dean's daughter.

Wait, hang on.

Come on.
Shawn?

My brother?

Yup.

I hear he's a total dick
at school.

Yeah, you could say that.

So now that we're done
with the genealogy,

what do you think
of my new bra?

Sexy? I got matching
panties too.

- Wait wait wait. Wait a second.
- Why?

Don't worry.
My dad's working late at your school

and you did say
you want to maximize

the space in my room
versus my hybrid toaster.

So let's maximize...

l gotta kinda
tell you something.

- You're a virgin?
- No.

Oh, great.
Neither am I.

I'm really horny
and my bed is really comfy

and we've waited a month
so speak now or forever hold your piece.

What is it?

Doesn't matter anymore.

# I fell in love with a girl #

# She tastes like lemonade #

# She tastes like lemonade. #

Oh shit.

Oh my God.

Good morning, Sam.

This is the girl
sans straitjacket?

Daniel.

Oh, this is perfect.

- You know each other?
- What is going on?

I found your mother
at a high school party down the street

- with a 17-year-old boy.
- 18.

Classy.

- I should probably go.
- No no no.

Why don't you stay,
will you?

Look, Dan, man--

Sam, man.

So, Sam,

you have anything
to do with this?

Huh?!

'Cause Judy's date
was your little dick friend Jimmy.

- Oh yeah?
- Uh-huh.

Dad.

- Yeah, baby?
- He was with me last night...

as you can see.

Well,

it seems like

everybody was getting laid
last night and I got fucked.

So...

- you wanna get some breakfast?
- No thank you, sir.

- Dan.
- No thanks, man. I'm good.

Judy, I'd like to pick up
on that conversation we were having

over eggs and bacon.

Fuck you.

Or not.

All right.

Why don't you two
lovebirds work it out?

Now talk amongst
yourselves.

What were you doing
at that house last night?

- Uh...
- I need to know.

I don't know.

You really think you can
I-don't-know your way

out of my family drama?

- Well?
- What? It's not what you think, okay?

What do I think, Sam?

I don't know what you think.
l don't know.

- Shit. I'm sorry.
- Just leave.

You okay?

Now, please.

- Courtney, look--
- Get out!

We're done.

Dream's over, bro.

I'm sorry, man.
I really fucked this one up.

Nah, we all fucked up.

Just a little louder.

Hey.

Do me a favor.
If you see Courtney,

tell her to say hi
to Judy for me.

You're such
an asshole, Jimmy.

I'm sorry I have
feelings, buttdick.

- Sam.
- Alison, hi.

I bet you think
that's my husband, don't you?

I don't know.

He's a friend--
someone--

my subcontractor.

Oh, that's
the subcontractor.

Okay.

So, hey,
where you heading?

Ah...

I don't know.

# Think I'll go live
by the beach #

# Or in the mountains
through the frozen reach #

# Or in the city where nothing's
moving slow... #

# Only time that
I'm feeling right #

- # I'm singing through the burning light #
- It's gonna be okay.

Don't-- my hair.

I love your hair.

# Never cared
what anybody thought #

# I do whatever
I want... #

- I can explain.
- What's there to explain?

You broke
my sister's heart.

You stole my dad from me!

You fuck!

# Gonna give 'em
something to say #

# Yeah, gonna
give 'em something #

# You know I'm gonna
give 'em something #

# Damn right, I'm gonna
give 'em something to say. #

- Hey.
- Hey.

Is that a black eye?

Yeah.

Um, look, here's--
here's-- here's the thing:

My friends are gone,

um...

your daughter
won't talk to me

and I can barely look you
in the eyes anymore.

I can't concentrate in class.
I can't concentrate outside of cIass.

Your son just...

came and kicked
the ever-Iiving shit out of me

and I can't write anymore.

So I'm just going to talk
for a minute.

And you can just shut me up
whenever you feel like, okay?

Go ahead, go ahead.

All right,
so my friends...

you know, the ones who were
pooling all their money together

to pay for my tuition--

um...

that money that we
pulled together was dirty.

All right.

So what I'm basically
trying to tell you

is that we started
an escort service

that catered to your wife
and all of her friends.

And I swear to God
l had no idea

that it was your--

that it was your wife.
And her friends

were all just fuckin'--

once this whole thing
started, man,

I couldn't stop it.
I really really--

it was going
just really well

and then you came
and you told me

that you got the school
to pay for my-- my tuition

and I felt awful.

I just feIt fuckin' awful.

And I wanted to tell you about it,
but I couldn't.

I didn't tell you about it,

so then I went to the rental house
where we would,

you know, do everything
and I tried to stop it.

But I didn't stop it there because I figured,
"What the fuck?

One night. One night.
One more time.

Let's have one more time.
We'll go one more time."

But it's not gonna be
one more time.

Even if you hadn't caught us,
it wasn't gonna be one more time.

And the only reason
you didn't catch me

was 'cause I was out
alone with your--

I was at your house--
your house!

--with your
fuckin' daughter.

Post script: I had no idea
it was your daughter,

but...

I tried to come clean
with her.

And...

I don't know, man.
I'm just really fuckin' lost.

And I know
that you're probably

just super pissed

and you don't care,

but...

Are you rolling a joint?

I'm listening.

You're not even mad?

Kinda.

Nah, not really.

No.

Come on, man.
I knew what was going on.

- You did?
- Huh?

- You did?
- Well, of course I did.

Find all your buddies
with a bunch of older women?

And magical cash?

I mean, I'm stupid,
but I'm not a fuckin' idiot.

And you know what?
You said it.

You didn't fuck my wife.

You didn't know Courtney
was my daughter.

And you did what you needed
to do to stay here.

- So now what?
- Now what what?

You gonna kick me
out of school?

Nah.
Your friends?

They took the heat for you.

Anyway, you know what?

You've been kicked out
of too many schools.

So I told
the new headmaster that--

Whoa, hang on. What do you mean
new headmaster?

Oh yeah.

I resigned this morning.

The new headmaster
is English.

I hear he wears bow ties.

So,

if you do stay here,

your scholarship is safe.

Look, man,
thank you, but...

I have absolutely
no interest

in staying here,

I mean without you
or my friends, so...

I figured as much.

You know what?
You're gonna be all right.

- I don't know about that.
- No, you're gonna be all right.

I know.

Really.

So what are you gonna do
about your family?

Well...

that family--
my family's had problems

for a long time
way before you came.

And Judy and I, well,

we were done years ago.

Shawn.

He's a troubled kid.

I feel responsible
for all that trouble he has.

But that's the gift
a father gives a son--

resentment and scorn.

He'll be all right.

He'll come around
like when he's 29.

And that little girl of mine?

l don't worry
about her one bit.

She has got it all, man.

Got it all, that girl.

- So what about you?
- Me?

Well, me--

can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

Seriously.

You think I'm too old
to go back on the road?

Nah.
Just wrap it up.

Oh, I'm gonna
double-bag it.

Oh yeah. I ain't
making that mistake again.

Hey, do a bro
a solid, will you?

Yeah, man.

You take JetBlue
out of Ontario home tonight?

Okay.

Good.

All right.

Remember...

heroes aren't born,

they're cornered.

- Bukowski?
- Mickey Rooney.

Come on,
get out of here.

Oh.

That's good.

Oh, I play so good
when I'm high.

# Everything's gonna be all right #

# Everything's
gonna be all right #

# Everything's gonna
be all right now #

# Everything's gonna
be all right, oh-oh. #

Excuse me. Sorry, man.

Hi.

- Hey, you need some help?
- Sam?

Worst opening line ever.

So what are you doing
taking my flight home?

Your flight, huh?

Well, if you must know,
I'm going to be living

with my dad's parents
in The village

for the last year
and a half of high school.

I hear they're eccentric
artists, so that's cool.

That's cool.

You really don't have
to help me with that. It's fine.

Look, yes I do.

By the way, how the hell do you plan
on getting all these bags past security?

- I'm crafty.
- Crafty?

If you'd like to ensure
safe passage of your bags,

then maybe you should
let me take one.

We can just say
we're together.

Okay.

It's cool.
It's my bag.

Yeah, maybe, you know.

Okay.

- Okay.
- Maybe's okay.

Thanks.

- So...
- So...

What's your
real story, Samuel?

Got five hours to kill?

# As I swim to shore
through these raging seas #

# I don't know how,
but I know I'm free #

# There's a little road
I used to walk #

# It's about the same,
the same as it was #

# I know I'll see her eyes again #

# So, good Lord, take me away #

# Show me your smiling face #

# I don't have much to say #

# But I'll say thank you #

# And, good Lord, give me a sign #

# Maybe I'll find it in this bottle of wine #

# I don't have much to say #

# But I'll thank you... #

# And there's a little bird
singing in my tree #

# I don't know what he's saying #

# But I know he's free #

# Sometimes we fall fast asleep #

# And other times we awake #

# I know I'll see her eyes again #

# So, good Lord, take me away #

# Show me your smiling face #

# I don't have much to say #

# But I'll say thank you #

# And, good Lord, give me a sign #

# Maybe I'll find it in this bottle of wine #

# I don't have much to say #

# But I'll thank you #

# Good Lord, take me away #

# Show me your smiling face #

# I don't have much to say #

# I don't have much to say. #

Fixed most of the OCR errors.
(Ripping errors): Xenzai[NEF]