Original subtitles

(soft dramatic music)

(wind whooshing)

♪ ♪

(growls softly)

(howls)

(gasps)

(quirky electronic music)

♪ ♪

(truck beeping)

MAN: Yo, what up?

Um...fuck, it's like, uh,

9:00 in the morning.

So fucking hungover. (chuckles)

Uh, we went out for Joel's birthday last night‐‐

well, we were supposed to go out,

but Joel drank, like, 20 fucking beers

and passed out before we went anywhere.

So now we're gonna, uh, fuck with him.

‐Yeah? ‐Yeah.

I need you to hold the camera.

Here, take it, take it, take it.

MAN: What‐‐what are you‐‐ what are you doing with that?

‐You never seen this before? ‐No.

(whispers) Look, look!

(laughter)

MAN: Oh, my God.

(chuckling)

MAN: Wait a second, if that worked, then...

Oh, dude! Hold the camera!

(clamoring)

MAN: The fuck are you doing with cake batter, man?

Watch!

MAN: No, don't‐‐ oh, come on, dude.

‐That's not gonna do anything. ‐Just watch. Just wait.

MAN: That's not gonna do anything.

Dude, just wait. Just wait.

(flatulence)

‐Oh! ‐Oh!

Oh, my God.

MAN: Did he shit his pants, dude?

Yeah.

‐(laughter) ‐Oh, my God.

Jesus.

MAN: Okay, yo, yo, take the‐‐take the phone.

I got an idea.

I'm gonna make him write my Poli‐Sci essay.

MAN: Yeah, right.

Dude, that's not gonna work.

Yeah, dude.

(whispers) Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

(soft chuckle)

(laughter)

‐No way. ‐Yeah.

(keys clacking)

Oh, shit!

(laughter)

MAN: How is he doing that? How is he doing that?

Doing research and shit? Oh, my God.

MAN: Dude, he's gonna do your whole thing.

Sn‐‐what?

"Hillary Clinton Email Archive"?

Benghazi.

(scoffs)

What the...

MAN: Why is he on WikiLeaks?

It's‐‐I don't‐‐what?

Uh‐‐is‐‐ Joel, are you awake, man?

MAN: He's still out.

Is he writing code?

MAN: Uh...looks like it.

What?

"Password decrypted."

Snow‐‐Snowden?

Dude, Joel knows Edward Snowden, dude?

MAN: Is‐‐this is, uh...

This is still funny, right?

(scoffs)

‐(whirring) ‐What?

What?

MAN: "Activating..."

Whoa.

‐Okay. ‐Uh...

Dude, that's a‐‐ that's a drone.

‐Nah. ‐He's‐‐

He's controlling a drone, dude.

MAN: Nah, dude.

Holy shit, that's‐‐ that's the fucking White House.

MAN: Nah, man, that's something else.

‐What else is that? ‐(indistinct radio chatter)

‐That's the White House! ‐Nah, man.

Ex‐‐oh, fuck.

‐Pull it out! ‐(stammering)

‐Whoa. ‐(stammering)

‐Let's wake him up. ‐Just‐‐no!

You can't wake him up, dude.

‐Could blow up the fucking‐‐ ‐Just let me think, dude.

MAN: Dude, he was about to blow up the fucking White House.

It's just the White House.

(groans)

‐N‐n‐n‐‐ ‐The fuck?

‐Uh, happy birthday, dude. ‐Yeah, happy birthday, dude.

(yelling) What are you guys doing?

‐You pissed yourself. ‐You pissed yourself!

‐(yelling) ‐(laughter)

MAN: Oh, what's that?

(both yelling)

MAN: Shit!

(funky electronic music)

♪ ♪

(wind whooshing, waves splashing)

DR. EVELYN: Good morning, gentlemen.

‐KENNETH: Morning. ‐BRADEN: Good morning.

This is the porbeagle shark.

What a beautiful creature.

DR. EVELYN: They can grow up to 2 1/2 meters in length

and weigh around 120 kilos.

(whistles) It's a big one.

Yep, they derive from the same family

as great whites,

and they have no known natural predators.

And it is true that their mating habits

have never been observed in the wild, Doctor?

Well, not entirely, but it is extremely rare.

It's‐‐yeah...got it.

Okay, I‐‐I think that's it.

Uh, thank you so much, Dr. Evelyn.

It's very much appreciated.

‐Of course. ‐KENNETH: Yeah.

‐Thank you, Braden. ‐BRADEN: Sure.

‐Kenneth... ‐Yeah, mate?

Let's go fuck that shark.

(suspenseful music)

MALE ANNOUNCER: Since the dawn of time,

sharks have ruled the seas.

Now, two men will fight

to take their kingdom...

by force.

I mean, I've spent my whole life looking

for the extreme.

I mean, a lot of people‐‐most people

probably know me as, like, a championship surfer.

Then I got into, like, skydiving, BASE jumping,

free soloing, I've climbed Mount Everest.

But, like, can you even call that extreme?

Basically, you just walk up a stupid hill

and, like, have a dingo's breakfast.

Whatever. Who cares?

(wheezy laugh)

Now, it's like, "What's the next step?"

(grunts)

And, like, I've gone to conventions

and all these different things,

and it's just, like, a bunch of people,

and they're going, like,

(scoffs) "What are we supposed to do?

"We've gotta push the boundaries.

We've gotta find a new extreme sport."

It's like, "I already told you, mate, five times.

"We found the sport.

It's fucking sharks."

And they're like, "Don't come back to this convention."

It's like, "Fuck off, mate.

Look who's got a show."

Oh, yeah, I remember that like it was yesterday.

You know, Braden came and visited me

in the‐‐in the hospital, and he was like,

"Man, I've got this crazy idea,"

and I was like, "Oh, yeah? Well, what is it?"

And he was like, "I wanna fuck a shark."

(cheerful music)

And I thought I was dreaming.

You know, 'cause I'd been in a coma

for the past eight years due to a BASE jumping accident,

and it was difficult for me to know the difference

between reality and

the head visions I was having.

♪ ♪

But once I realized it was real,

I was like, "Oh, mate, I'm in."

(chuckles) I'm doing nothing.

BRADEN: Oh, Dr. Evelyn, what's going on?

Braden, extraordinary news.

You know, Braden and Kenneth.

They asked me if I wanted to be part

of the most important expedition in human history.

♪ ♪

Of course I answered, "Yes."

I'm gonna put the paperwork together right away.

Great job.

When they got on to the nature of the research...

♪ ♪

It certainly gave me pause,

but this is a shifting time in the world.

I think it's really important

to open yourself up to new experiences,

even if your initial instinct is,

"This is awful

and doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever."

I mean, it is not like we're a bunch

of perverts running around, ejaculating

or anything insane like that.

This is just about domination.

This is two titans at the top of their game

meeting in competition.

May the best species win.

May the best species win.

♪ ♪

(waves crashing)

(quirky electronic music)

(quirky electronic music)

(percussive music)

(engine roaring)

♪ ♪

(tires squealing)

♪ ♪

(speaking indistinctly)

♪ ♪

(slurping)

Jay, please do me three favors.

Take off your hat...

I can't.

Take off this enormous jacket...

Mm‐mm.

And please stop showing up so late.

Now, I respect you completely, Mrs. Hayword,

but you know, it's...

♪ ♪

(inhales)

♪ ♪

Casey, there you are.

I know you've been dipping into my hummus

in the break room fridge, and you know how I know?

Jay, I don't‐‐

Because it's got your essence all over it.

You know, all I gotta do is open the lid,

and it's like, wham, there's Casey.

You know, everything I smell on you:

wax, tar, bashfulness.

It's just, like, right there in my face,

and it's like, why would this guy‐‐

what do you want with my hummus?

Yes, and now I know,

because everybody wants my hummus.

Jay's hummus is the best hummus, right?

But... (scoffs)

It's not right, Casey.

It's not right that you can, you know, go in there

and‐‐and‐‐and‐‐and eat my hummus and then‐‐

HAYWORD (over speaker): Jay, we need you

in the vacuum demo department.

‐Look, we're gonna have to... ‐HAYWORD (over speaker): Jay.

Uh, handle this little scandal later,

but hey, listen.

It's not over.

Yeah, can we get some help here?

‐We're trying to‐‐ ‐Yes. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, hold on. Hold on, please.

(ding)

Jay, you have customers waiting.

Would you please come to the vacuum demo department

immediately?

Oh, Freddy, there you are.

Freddy, let me ask you a question.

Can I see your bank statement, please?

Because I seen you studying me,

I seen you studying the way I move,

the way I handle myself in public,

and I know that you have got a patent out

on my lifestyle brand.

I know you call it "The Jay Way"

and that you've been trying to sell it

to teens on the internet.

Well, guess what, Freddy.

It ain't gonna work. You know why?

Because I'm getting my law degree,

and, uh, I'm gonna sue you...

(slurps)

To get the patent back.

HAYWORD (over speaker): Oh, my God, Jay.

Vacuums. Now.

♪ ♪

I swear to God,

if he's not here, I'm gonna s‐‐

I'm gonna slit his throat over the demo rug

for everyone to see.

How can I help you folks?

Hey, I was just wondering what the difference

between the Pro Power and‐‐and the Pro Express is.

Ah. Well, I will show you.

Hey, Linda. Linda.

Do me a favor?

Never look my in the eye again, okay?

You‐‐'cause your stare is way too intense.

It's starting to make my hair fall out.

(slurps)

We don't want that.

Folks, as I was saying before,

I‐‐I am very excited to show you

the difference between the two models,

because they can easily be confused.

‐Eyes on Jay, everyone. ‐Here he goes.

I'm Jay. Look at this.

Dirt. Earth.

That from which brings life.

(dramatic music)

Perfect floor done...

(Jay speaking indistinctly)

♪ ♪

(whirring)

♪ ♪

(inaudible)

♪ ♪

HAYWORD: Jay, no.

Jay, no.

No. Don't do it.

Mrs. Hayword, I'm not feeling too good,

so I think I'm gonna head home.

See you tomorrow.

(percussive music)

♪ ♪

(quirky percussive music)

♪ ♪

So I date.

You know, I'm kind of like, uh, boy crazy,

I think we could say, right?

WOMAN: I am too,

but I‐‐I don't really act on it.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay, so you're more of, like, the shy...

Mmm, I'm the shy girl at the coffee shop.

I'm the shy barista.

It's kind of hot.

‐I know. I know. ‐It's like a porno.

It's like, Shy Barista Gets Nailed in the Bathroom.

Hey. (laughs)

(laughing) Hot espresso, bitches.

(dogs slurping)

(chill electronic music)

Okay, time to meet a very important member

of the Shark Team.

This Kitty, our faithful intern.

‐Say "hi," Kitty. ‐Hello.

And so how are you enjoying your experience so far, Kitty?

Um, yeah, it's been real good.

Um, I feel like I've already learned a lot,

and, um,

thanks so much for this opportunity.

Well, you're very welcome.

‐We're happy to have you. ‐Thanks.

‐Ah, and this is Tim. ‐KENNETH: Ah.

He's our deckhand.

He used to be a dolphin poacher.

No. No, I was just a fisherman.

I‐‐I never did that.

(both laugh)

Just joking, mate.

We just like to keep things light around here, you know.

It's good for morale. Oh!

(laughs)

BRADEN: Okay.

TIM: You know, I've always been interested

in the sea, my whole life,

um, because I come from generations of fisherman.

So it's all I've ever really known.

It's quite tight. Heh.

It is quite tight in here.

What with climate change and all that,

business has dried up, unfortunately,

and it has been really tough for me to find work.

So that's why I jumped on the shark expedition.

Okay.

(clicks tongue)

I don't know where to put anything.

The guys weren't really clear on the details at first.

Um... (clears throat)

Yeah, and I have some reservations.

But, uh, you know,

Braden and Kenneth seem like all right blokes, I guess,

and it's a paid gig.

So I shouldn't complain.

Yeah, um, I was actually a really big fan

of Kenneth and Braden's growing up.

Um, I was really into surfing,

but, um, I'd never been to the beach.

But I did have a wet suit.

Anyway, they were my idols.

Um, and then I learned that I could go on

this expedition and get uni credit,

and that was, you know, coolest.

BRADEN: Okay, guys.

This is a porbeagle shark,

roughly about 2 1/2 meters,

120 kilos.

(projector clicks)

This is American basketball player LeBron James,

roughly about the same size, and he's huge.

Now I want you to imagine trying to grab LeBron

against his will.

What do you do?

What do you say?

Tim?

Um, probably just say, "Come here."

That's what you do?

"Excuse me, come here.

You mind if I grab you?"

We're dominating these creatures, you idiot.

I don't know.

We're gonna be grabbing LeBron Jameses.

'Cause when we're out there‐‐

Kenneth? Wait, Kenneth.

‐(Kenneth grunting) ‐Shit. Kenneth!

‐KITTY: Kenneth. ‐TIM: Kenneth.

He's having one of his episodes.

Can you hit him with the water?

(Kenneth groans)

(grunts, spits)

KENNETH: Shit.

BRADEN: Are you all right, mate?

Yeah.

BRADEN: Yeah, he's got brain damage.

I don't even like to talk about it.

You know, he's‐‐he's my big brother.

And I‐‐I didn't think he was gonna make it.

And I said, "You don't go BASE jumping

without a chute, mate."

You just don't do it.

You know, but God gave him back to us.

I mean, he lost, like, eight years of his life

and a pretty substantial piece of his brain, but...

at least he didn't lose the part

that controls his dick.

(wheezy laugh)

Shit.

Always‐‐always making inappropriate jokes

just to deal with the pain.

(serene music)

KENNETH: It's just something that I have to deal with

every day, you know?

♪ ♪

So every morning, I get up and do a bit of meditation

and a bit of yoga.

Just helps me focus and clear my mind.

♪ ♪

You know, it's important to try and remember things.

♪ ♪

(seagulls squawking)

♪ ♪

I think I'm getting better every day.

(waves crashing)

(funky electronic music)

♪ ♪

MALE: (goofy vocalizing)

(droning electronic music)

(bell dings)

Gentlemen,

thanks for coming to this meeting at such short notice.

Greg, it's the middle of the night.

Yeah. Spit it out.

We stand at the threshold of greatness.

Yeah, and?

Don't rush me, Phil. This is important.

I'm going outside for a smoke.

Call me when he gets to the point.

‐You can't go outside! ‐Greg.

‐Phil, I'm serious. ‐Yep.

‐(door closes) ‐Ugh.

That was really silly.

‐(gunfire) ‐Jesus!

Jesus Christ, Greg! What's going on?

The army's outside our house.

I think they're shooting Phil.

But why? Fuck!

I've staged a coup.

‐A coup? ‐Yeah.

We're taking over the government‐‐

you, me, and Phil.

‐Oh, well, you and me anyway. ‐Have you gone mad?

You two were always complaining about the government.

So?

So you're always saying we could do it better ourselves.

Oh, my God.

So I've done something about it.

What have you done?

I sent a letter to the governor‐general

saying we were taking over.

You can't have a coup without military power.

(gunfire continues)

(sirens wailing, distant explosion)

How much more military power do you want?

Fuckhead, it's gotta be on your side.

‐(missile whistling, explodes) ‐(scoffs)

Well, they're on all sides of us at the moment.

‐I'm giving myself up. ‐Oh, don't.

Shut up. I'm not dying.

I told them we'd fight to the death.

I'll wave this hanky and put my hands up.

That's what I told them our suicide bombers would do.

This is the shittest coup ever, Greg, the shittest.

What are we gonna do?

We're gonna reenact that scene from The Wild Bunch.

‐Which scene? ‐The one where they all die.

(bouncy electronic music)

♪ ♪

(waves crashing)

(spaceship whirring)

(laser roaring)

(chain pulley clicking)

KITTY: So today's the day that Braden says

we're gonna try and find the porbeagle shark.

Come and get it!

KITTY: Um, I'm a little bit nervous about it,

but I trust these guys.

I mean, Braden's a genius,

uh, just so knowledgeable,

already taught me so much,

just‐‐just knows what he's doing.

So Kenneth is gonna just punch the shark

in the snout as hard as he can,

destabilizing its nervous system

and leaving the porbeagle temporarily stunned.

‐Got it. ‐And once the shark is

on the deck, Kenneth is gonna be holding it down

while, Tim, you're gonna be holding

its unbelievably powerful jaws shut.

Uh...

Now, Kitty, this is absolutely crucial.

You're gonna need to continuously pour buckets

of saltwater on its gills

so that it doesn't asphyxiate and die

before I'm finished having my way with it.

‐Definitely. ‐BRADEN: Okay.

‐Um‐‐um, Braden. ‐What's that?

Um, I'm just a bit worried, that, like,

if I get that close to its jaws, like,

um, just a bit worried that, like, I'll get bit pretty bad.

Okay, Tim, we'd be a bunch of just freaking lunatics

if we weren't about getting bitten by the shark.

Why'd you sign up for this, mate?

Are you fucking stupid?

I mean, think about me, mate.

I'm the one that's gonna be penetrating him/her.

If it gets loose,

it is gonna be absolutely livid with me.

But that's why we're doing this, guys:

To break new ground.

Now, do you wanna break that ground,

or do you wanna quit, mate?

Yeah, I'm‐‐I'm just saying

I just feel a bit, like, uncomfortable

holding the shark's jaws.

Okay, fantastic, mate.

Just remember there's nothing to fear

but fear itself.

Now let's get God on our side.

Kenny, you wanna lead us in a group prayer, mate?

All right.

(inhales sharply)

(exhales) Okay.

We are Your faithful servants, O Lord,

and we thank You for the many blessings

You bestowed upon us.

We only ask that You allow us to fit smoothly

into this hierarchical chain of dominance

that You've created.

Bless us with the wisdom and the strength to persevere.

(dramatic music)

Amen.

‐Amen. ‐Amen.

KENNETH: Amen.

♪ ♪

Let's fuck this shark.

♪ ♪

(bird squawks)

(all yelling)

Punch him!

(Tim groaning)

TIM: What the fuck are we doing?

‐Punch him. ‐Oh, shit.

‐TIM: Shit! ‐(Kenneth grunts)

‐BRADEN: Tim, get the jaws! ‐TIM: Oh, my God!

(all yelling)

(tense music)

Oh, my God!

(all grunting)

TIM: So heavy. BRADEN: We're almost there!

KENNETH: Be strong!

(all grunting)

‐Oh! ‐Kitty!

‐Get my pants! ‐But what about the water?

Ah! It's too strong with the water.

TIM: This is insane!

This is fucking nuts!

Quick, Braden!

Come on, guys! We gotta fuck this!

TIM: Oh, my God! Ah!

BRADEN: Okay, almost in.

(Kenneth groaning)

Kenneth! No!

‐(bone crunches) ‐(Tim gasps)

(Tim shrieking)

Ow! Ah!

Fuck!

(both screaming)

Ah! No!

KITTY: Kenneth! Kenneth!

‐(Braden yelling) ‐Ken!

Doctor! Dr. Evelyn!

No! No!

‐Come on! ‐Evelyn!

Oh, you've gotta be fucking kidding me.

‐DR. EVELYN: Kenneth? ‐BRADEN: No!

Kenneth?

‐BRADEN: What happened? ‐What happened?

It bit my shoulder!

Oh, you had one job, Tim, one bloody job.

Shit.

(solemn music)

Well, obviously, things didn't go

quite according to plan today.

Tempers ran high, things got heated,

I lost consciousness,

but we're tough.

I mean, we fight hard,

but we love even harder.

(groans)

And we've got passion,

and that's really what matters most to me.

BRADEN: Sorry, mate. We were so close.

KENNETH: If you're gonna do something...

Don't touch that arm.

Okay.

You better be ready to give it all you got, you know?

I mean, not bad. Not bad.

Yeah, I was ticked off

because I got a pretty bad nip.

But Braden assured me that the company has

good health insurance,

so I'm looking forward to that.

You know, but for now, I guess the journey continues,

so I'll just soldier on.

♪ ♪

BRADEN: You know, it's tough being a leader.

You gotta do a lot of things that you don't wanna do.

Sometimes you gotta lie to people.

You know, you gotta look 'em straight in the face

and say, "We've got health insurance, mate."

We don't.

No company would cover us.

But it's for the greater good.

♪ ♪

The sun's gonna set today,

and it's gonna rise tomorrow.

So I guess all you can do is just remind yourself

that there's plenty of fish in the sea.

♪ ♪

And we're gonna find 'em

and have sex with 'em.

♪ ♪

BRADEN: Okay, guys, what went wrong,

what went right, and how are we gonna do it better?

‐Tim? ‐I really don't think

anybody should be trying to hold a shark's jaw closed.

Yeah, shut up.

Just kidding. Okay, anyone else?

‐Yeah, Kitty? ‐KITTY: I just think that

we might need a bigger first aid kit

'cause this one has two bandages, but, um,

this one's actually used.

BRADEN: Okay, safety first, Kitty.

Good on ya.

Okay, up this week:

if you can't beat 'em, double the size.

One and a‐‐yeah, 1 1/2 the size.

Whatever, we're gonna go for a larger shark.

(dramatic musical flourish)

(upbeat electronic music)

♪ ♪

CUPCAKKE: ♪ His dick smaller than my toes ♪

♪ Yeah, yes, smaller than my toes ♪

♪ His dick smaller than my toes ♪

♪ I'd rather ride Squidward nose ♪

(jangly hip‐hop music)

♪ My eyelash flew off ♪

♪ When I saw that dick was too soft ♪

♪ What the fuck? Need a dick like Rick Ross ♪

♪ Or Dora the Explorer get lost ♪

♪ Get in my zone, I'm ass naked at home ♪

♪ He knowin' just when I'm on ♪

♪ I post it up like Malone ♪

♪ Get so much neck, it's wrong ♪

♪ That I should smell like cologne ♪

♪ Swallow this dick, it's gone ♪

♪ He's searchin' for it on Chrome ♪

♪ His dick smaller than my toes ♪

♪ Yeah, yes, smaller than my toes ♪

♪ His dick smaller than my toes ♪

♪ I'd rather ride Squidward nose ♪

‐(clear music) ‐CHORUS: ♪ Yes ♪