All language subtitles for Cake.S02E01_English

(soft dramatic music)

(wind whooshing)

♪ ♪

(growls softly)

(howls)

(gasps)

(quirky electronic music)

♪ ♪

(truck beeping)

MAN: Yo, what up?

Um...fuck, it's like, uh,

9:00 in the morning.

So fucking hungover.
(chuckles)

Uh, we went out for Joel's
birthday last night‐‐

well, we were
supposed to go out,

but Joel drank, like,
20 fucking beers

and passed out
before we went anywhere.

So now we're gonna, uh,
fuck with him.

‐Yeah?
‐Yeah.

I need you to hold the camera.

Here, take it,
take it, take it.

MAN: What‐‐what are you‐‐
what are you doing with that?

‐You never seen this before?
‐No.

(whispers)
Look, look!

(laughter)

MAN: Oh, my God.

(chuckling)

MAN: Wait a second,
if that worked, then...

Oh, dude! Hold the camera!

(clamoring)

MAN: The fuck are you doing
with cake batter, man?

Watch!

MAN: No, don't‐‐
oh, come on, dude.

‐That's not gonna do anything.
‐Just watch. Just wait.

MAN: That's not gonna do
anything.

Dude, just wait.
Just wait.

(flatulence)

‐Oh!
‐Oh!

Oh, my God.

MAN: Did he shit his pants,
dude?

Yeah.

‐(laughter)
‐Oh, my God.

Jesus.

MAN: Okay, yo, yo,
take the‐‐take the phone.

I got an idea.

I'm gonna make him write
my Poli‐Sci essay.

MAN: Yeah, right.

Dude, that's not gonna work.

Yeah, dude.

(whispers)
Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

(soft chuckle)

(laughter)

‐No way.
‐Yeah.

(keys clacking)

Oh, shit!

(laughter)

MAN: How is he doing that?
How is he doing that?

Doing research and shit?
Oh, my God.

MAN: Dude, he's gonna do
your whole thing.

Sn‐‐what?

"Hillary Clinton
Email Archive"?

Benghazi.

(scoffs)

What the...

MAN: Why is he on WikiLeaks?

It's‐‐I don't‐‐what?

Uh‐‐is‐‐
Joel, are you awake, man?

MAN: He's still out.

Is he writing code?

MAN: Uh...looks like it.

What?

"Password decrypted."

Snow‐‐Snowden?

Dude, Joel knows
Edward Snowden, dude?

MAN: Is‐‐this is, uh...

This is still funny, right?

(scoffs)

‐(whirring)
‐What?

What?

MAN: "Activating..."

Whoa.

‐Okay.
‐Uh...

Dude, that's a‐‐
that's a drone.

‐Nah.
‐He's‐‐

He's controlling
a drone, dude.

MAN: Nah, dude.

Holy shit, that's‐‐
that's the fucking White House.

MAN: Nah, man,
that's something else.

‐What else is that?
‐(indistinct radio chatter)

‐That's the White House!
‐Nah, man.

Ex‐‐oh, fuck.

‐Pull it out!
‐(stammering)

‐Whoa.
‐(stammering)

‐Let's wake him up.
‐Just‐‐no!

You can't wake him up, dude.

‐Could blow up the fucking‐‐
‐Just let me think, dude.

MAN: Dude, he was about to blow
up the fucking White House.

It's just the White House.

(groans)

‐N‐n‐n‐‐
‐The fuck?

‐Uh, happy birthday, dude.
‐Yeah, happy birthday, dude.

(yelling)
What are you guys doing?

‐You pissed yourself.
‐You pissed yourself!

‐(yelling)
‐(laughter)

MAN: Oh, what's that?

(both yelling)

MAN: Shit!

(funky electronic music)

♪ ♪

(wind whooshing,
waves splashing)

DR. EVELYN:
Good morning, gentlemen.

‐KENNETH: Morning.
‐BRADEN: Good morning.

This is the porbeagle shark.

What a beautiful creature.

DR. EVELYN: They can grow up
to 2 1/2 meters in length

and weigh around 120 kilos.

(whistles)
It's a big one.

Yep, they derive
from the same family

as great whites,

and they have no known
natural predators.

And it is true
that their mating habits

have never been observed
in the wild, Doctor?

Well, not entirely,
but it is extremely rare.

It's‐‐yeah...got it.

Okay, I‐‐I think that's it.

Uh, thank you so much,
Dr. Evelyn.

It's very much appreciated.

‐Of course.
‐KENNETH: Yeah.

‐Thank you, Braden.
‐BRADEN: Sure.

‐Kenneth...
‐Yeah, mate?

Let's go fuck that shark.

(suspenseful music)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Since the dawn of time,

sharks have ruled the seas.

Now, two men will fight

to take
their kingdom...

by force.

I mean, I've spent
my whole life looking

for the extreme.

I mean,
a lot of people‐‐most people

probably know me as, like,
a championship surfer.

Then I got into, like,
skydiving, BASE jumping,

free soloing,
I've climbed Mount Everest.

But, like, can you even
call that extreme?

Basically, you just walk up
a stupid hill

and, like,
have a dingo's breakfast.

Whatever.
Who cares?

(wheezy laugh)

Now, it's like,
"What's the next step?"

(grunts)

And, like,
I've gone to conventions

and all these
different things,

and it's just, like,
a bunch of people,

and they're going, like,

(scoffs)
"What are we supposed to do?

"We've gotta push
the boundaries.

We've gotta find
a new extreme sport."

It's like, "I already told you,
mate, five times.

"We found the sport.

It's fucking sharks."

And they're like, "Don't come
back to this convention."

It's like, "Fuck off, mate.

Look who's got a show."

Oh, yeah, I remember that
like it was yesterday.

You know,
Braden came and visited me

in the‐‐in the hospital,
and he was like,

"Man, I've got this
crazy idea,"

and I was like, "Oh, yeah?
Well, what is it?"

And he was like,
"I wanna fuck a shark."

(cheerful music)

And I thought I was dreaming.

You know,
'cause I'd been in a coma

for the past eight years
due to a BASE jumping accident,

and it was difficult
for me to know the difference

between reality and

the head visions
I was having.

♪ ♪

But once I realized
it was real,

I was like,
"Oh, mate, I'm in."

(chuckles)
I'm doing nothing.

BRADEN: Oh, Dr. Evelyn,
what's going on?

Braden,
extraordinary news.

You know, Braden and Kenneth.

They asked me if I wanted
to be part

of the most important
expedition in human history.

♪ ♪

Of course I answered, "Yes."

I'm gonna put the paperwork
together right away.

Great job.

When they got on to the nature
of the research...

♪ ♪

It certainly gave me pause,

but this is a shifting time
in the world.

I think it's really important

to open yourself up
to new experiences,

even if
your initial instinct is,

"This is awful

and doesn't make
any sense to me whatsoever."

I mean,
it is not like we're a bunch

of perverts running around,
ejaculating

or anything insane like that.

This is just about domination.

This is two titans
at the top of their game

meeting in competition.

May the best species win.

May the best species win.

♪ ♪

(waves crashing)

(quirky electronic music)

(quirky electronic music)

(percussive music)

(engine roaring)

♪ ♪

(tires squealing)

♪ ♪

(speaking indistinctly)

♪ ♪

(slurping)

Jay, please do me
three favors.

Take off your hat...

I can't.

Take off
this enormous jacket...

Mm‐mm.

And please stop
showing up so late.

Now, I respect you completely,
Mrs. Hayword,

but you know, it's...

♪ ♪

(inhales)

♪ ♪

Casey, there you are.

I know you've been
dipping into my hummus

in the break room fridge,
and you know how I know?

Jay, I don't‐‐

Because it's got your essence
all over it.

You know, all I gotta do
is open the lid,

and it's like, wham,
there's Casey.

You know, everything
I smell on you:

wax, tar, bashfulness.

It's just, like,
right there in my face,

and it's like,
why would this guy‐‐

what do you want
with my hummus?

Yes, and now I know,

because everybody wants
my hummus.

Jay's hummus
is the best hummus, right?

But... (scoffs)

It's not right, Casey.

It's not right that you can,
you know, go in there

and‐‐and‐‐and‐‐and eat
my hummus and then‐‐

HAYWORD (over speaker):
Jay, we need you

in the vacuum demo
department.

‐Look, we're gonna have to...
‐HAYWORD (over speaker): Jay.

Uh, handle this
little scandal later,

but hey, listen.

It's not over.

Yeah, can we get
some help here?

‐We're trying to‐‐
‐Yes. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, hold on.
Hold on, please.

(ding)

Jay, you have customers
waiting.

Would you please come
to the vacuum demo department

immediately?

Oh, Freddy,
there you are.

Freddy, let me ask you
a question.

Can I see your bank statement,
please?

Because I seen you
studying me,

I seen you studying
the way I move,

the way I handle myself
in public,

and I know that you
have got a patent out

on my lifestyle brand.

I know you call it
"The Jay Way"

and that you've been
trying to sell it

to teens on the internet.

Well, guess what, Freddy.

It ain't gonna work.
You know why?

Because I'm getting
my law degree,

and, uh, I'm gonna sue you...

(slurps)

To get the patent back.

HAYWORD (over speaker):
Oh, my God, Jay.

Vacuums. Now.

♪ ♪

I swear to God,

if he's not here,
I'm gonna s‐‐

I'm gonna slit his throat
over the demo rug

for everyone to see.

How can I help you folks?

Hey, I was just wondering
what the difference

between the Pro Power
and‐‐and the Pro Express is.

Ah.
Well, I will show you.

Hey, Linda.
Linda.

Do me a favor?

Never look my in the eye again,
okay?

You‐‐'cause your stare
is way too intense.

It's starting to make
my hair fall out.

(slurps)

We don't want that.

Folks, as I was saying before,

I‐‐I am very excited
to show you

the difference
between the two models,

because they can easily
be confused.

‐Eyes on Jay, everyone.
‐Here he goes.

I'm Jay. Look at this.

Dirt. Earth.

That from which brings life.

(dramatic music)

Perfect floor done...

(Jay speaking indistinctly)

♪ ♪

(whirring)

♪ ♪

(inaudible)

♪ ♪

HAYWORD: Jay, no.

Jay, no.

No. Don't do it.

Mrs. Hayword,
I'm not feeling too good,

so I think I'm gonna head home.

See you tomorrow.

(percussive music)

♪ ♪

(quirky percussive music)

♪ ♪

So I date.

You know, I'm kind of like,
uh, boy crazy,

I think we could say, right?

WOMAN: I am too,

but I‐‐I don't
really act on it.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay, so you're more
of, like, the shy...

Mmm, I'm the shy girl
at the coffee shop.

I'm the shy barista.

It's kind of hot.

‐I know. I know.
‐It's like a porno.

It's like, Shy Barista
Gets Nailed in the Bathroom.

Hey.
(laughs)

(laughing)
Hot espresso, bitches.

(dogs slurping)

(chill electronic music)

Okay, time to meet
a very important member

of the Shark Team.

This Kitty,
our faithful intern.

‐Say "hi," Kitty.
‐Hello.

And so how are you enjoying
your experience so far, Kitty?

Um, yeah,
it's been real good.

Um, I feel like
I've already learned a lot,

and, um,

thanks so much
for this opportunity.

Well, you're very welcome.

‐We're happy to have you.
‐Thanks.

‐Ah, and this is Tim.
‐KENNETH: Ah.

He's our deckhand.

He used to be
a dolphin poacher.

No.
No, I was just a fisherman.

I‐‐I never did that.

(both laugh)

Just joking, mate.

We just like to keep things
light around here, you know.

It's good for morale.
Oh!

(laughs)

BRADEN: Okay.

TIM: You know,
I've always been interested

in the sea,
my whole life,

um, because I come
from generations of fisherman.

So it's all I've ever
really known.

It's quite tight.
Heh.

It is quite tight in here.

What with climate change
and all that,

business has dried up,
unfortunately,

and it has been really tough
for me to find work.

So that's why I jumped on
the shark expedition.

Okay.

(clicks tongue)

I don't know where
to put anything.

The guys weren't really clear
on the details at first.

Um...
(clears throat)

Yeah,
and I have some reservations.

But, uh, you know,

Braden and Kenneth seem like
all right blokes, I guess,

and it's a paid gig.

So I shouldn't complain.

Yeah, um, I was actually
a really big fan

of Kenneth and Braden's
growing up.

Um, I was really into surfing,

but, um, I'd never been
to the beach.

But I did have a wet suit.

Anyway, they were my idols.

Um, and then I learned
that I could go on

this expedition
and get uni credit,

and that was, you know,
coolest.

BRADEN: Okay, guys.

This is a porbeagle shark,

roughly about 2 1/2 meters,

120 kilos.

(projector clicks)

This is American
basketball player LeBron James,

roughly about the same size,
and he's huge.

Now I want you to imagine
trying to grab LeBron

against his will.

What do you do?

What do you say?

Tim?

Um, probably just say,
"Come here."

That's what you do?

"Excuse me, come here.

You mind if I grab you?"

We're dominating
these creatures, you idiot.

I don't know.

We're gonna be grabbing
LeBron Jameses.

'Cause when we're out there‐‐

Kenneth?
Wait, Kenneth.

‐(Kenneth grunting)
‐Shit. Kenneth!

‐KITTY: Kenneth.
‐TIM: Kenneth.

He's having one
of his episodes.

Can you hit him with the water?

(Kenneth groans)

(grunts, spits)

KENNETH: Shit.

BRADEN: Are you all right,
mate?

Yeah.

BRADEN:
Yeah, he's got brain damage.

I don't even like
to talk about it.

You know,
he's‐‐he's my big brother.

And I‐‐I didn't think
he was gonna make it.

And I said,
"You don't go BASE jumping

without a chute, mate."

You just don't do it.

You know,
but God gave him back to us.

I mean, he lost, like,
eight years of his life

and a pretty substantial
piece of his brain, but...

at least he didn't lose
the part

that controls his dick.

(wheezy laugh)

Shit.

Always‐‐always making
inappropriate jokes

just to deal
with the pain.

(serene music)

KENNETH: It's just something
that I have to deal with

every day, you know?

♪ ♪

So every morning, I get up
and do a bit of meditation

and a bit of yoga.

Just helps me focus
and clear my mind.

♪ ♪

You know, it's important
to try and remember things.

♪ ♪

(seagulls squawking)

♪ ♪

I think I'm getting better
every day.

(waves crashing)

(funky electronic music)

♪ ♪

MALE: (goofy vocalizing)

(droning electronic music)

(bell dings)

Gentlemen,

thanks for coming to this
meeting at such short notice.

Greg, it's the middle
of the night.

Yeah.
Spit it out.

We stand at the threshold
of greatness.

Yeah, and?

Don't rush me, Phil.
This is important.

I'm going outside for a smoke.

Call me when
he gets to the point.

‐You can't go outside!
‐Greg.

‐Phil, I'm serious.
‐Yep.

‐(door closes)
‐Ugh.

That was really silly.

‐(gunfire)
‐Jesus!

Jesus Christ, Greg!
What's going on?

The army's outside our house.

I think they're shooting Phil.

But why?
Fuck!

I've staged a coup.

‐A coup?
‐Yeah.

We're taking over
the government‐‐

you, me, and Phil.

‐Oh, well, you and me anyway.
‐Have you gone mad?

You two were always complaining
about the government.

So?

So you're always saying we
could do it better ourselves.

Oh, my God.

So I've done
something about it.

What have you done?

I sent a letter
to the governor‐general

saying we were taking over.

You can't have a coup
without military power.

(gunfire continues)

(sirens wailing,
distant explosion)

How much more
military power do you want?

Fuckhead,
it's gotta be on your side.

‐(missile whistling, explodes)
‐(scoffs)

Well, they're on all sides
of us at the moment.

‐I'm giving myself up.
‐Oh, don't.

Shut up.
I'm not dying.

I told them we'd fight
to the death.

I'll wave this hanky
and put my hands up.

That's what I told them
our suicide bombers would do.

This is the shittest coup ever,
Greg, the shittest.

What are we gonna do?

We're gonna reenact that scene
from The Wild Bunch.

‐Which scene?
‐The one where they all die.

(bouncy electronic music)

♪ ♪

(waves crashing)

(spaceship whirring)

(laser roaring)

(chain pulley clicking)

KITTY: So today's the day
that Braden says

we're gonna try and find
the porbeagle shark.

Come and get it!

KITTY: Um, I'm a little bit
nervous about it,

but I trust these guys.

I mean, Braden's a genius,

uh, just so knowledgeable,

already taught me so much,

just‐‐just knows
what he's doing.

So Kenneth is gonna
just punch the shark

in the snout
as hard as he can,

destabilizing
its nervous system

and leaving the porbeagle
temporarily stunned.

‐Got it.
‐And once the shark is

on the deck, Kenneth
is gonna be holding it down

while, Tim,
you're gonna be holding

its unbelievably
powerful jaws shut.

Uh...

Now, Kitty,
this is absolutely crucial.

You're gonna need
to continuously pour buckets

of saltwater on its gills

so that it doesn't
asphyxiate and die

before I'm finished
having my way with it.

‐Definitely.
‐BRADEN: Okay.

‐Um‐‐um, Braden.
‐What's that?

Um, I'm just a bit worried,
that, like,

if I get that close
to its jaws, like,

um, just a bit worried that,
like, I'll get bit pretty bad.

Okay, Tim, we'd be a bunch
of just freaking lunatics

if we weren't about
getting bitten by the shark.

Why'd you sign up for this,
mate?

Are you fucking stupid?

I mean, think about me,
mate.

I'm the one that's gonna be
penetrating him/her.

If it gets loose,

it is gonna be
absolutely livid with me.

But that's why
we're doing this, guys:

To break new ground.

Now, do you wanna break
that ground,

or do you wanna quit, mate?

Yeah, I'm‐‐I'm just saying

I just feel a bit, like,
uncomfortable

holding the shark's jaws.

Okay, fantastic, mate.

Just remember
there's nothing to fear

but fear itself.

Now let's get God
on our side.

Kenny, you wanna lead us
in a group prayer, mate?

All right.

(inhales sharply)

(exhales)
Okay.

We are Your faithful servants,
O Lord,

and we thank You
for the many blessings

You bestowed upon us.

We only ask that You allow us
to fit smoothly

into this hierarchical chain
of dominance

that You've created.

Bless us with the wisdom
and the strength to persevere.

(dramatic music)

Amen.

‐Amen.
‐Amen.

KENNETH: Amen.

♪ ♪

Let's fuck this shark.

♪ ♪

(bird squawks)

(all yelling)

Punch him!

(Tim groaning)

TIM:
What the fuck are we doing?

‐Punch him.
‐Oh, shit.

‐TIM: Shit!
‐(Kenneth grunts)

‐BRADEN: Tim, get the jaws!
‐TIM: Oh, my God!

(all yelling)

(tense music)

Oh, my God!

(all grunting)

TIM: So heavy.
BRADEN: We're almost there!

KENNETH: Be strong!

(all grunting)

‐Oh!
‐Kitty!

‐Get my pants!
‐But what about the water?

Ah!
It's too strong with the water.

TIM: This is insane!

This is fucking nuts!

Quick, Braden!

Come on, guys!
We gotta fuck this!

TIM: Oh, my God!
Ah!

BRADEN: Okay, almost in.

(Kenneth groaning)

Kenneth!
No!

‐(bone crunches)
‐(Tim gasps)

(Tim shrieking)

Ow!
Ah!

Fuck!

(both screaming)

Ah!
No!

KITTY: Kenneth!
Kenneth!

‐(Braden yelling)
‐Ken!

Doctor!
Dr. Evelyn!

No!
No!

‐Come on!
‐Evelyn!

Oh, you've gotta be
fucking kidding me.

‐DR. EVELYN: Kenneth?
‐BRADEN: No!

Kenneth?

‐BRADEN: What happened?
‐What happened?

It bit my shoulder!

Oh, you had one job, Tim,
one bloody job.

Shit.

(solemn music)

Well, obviously,
things didn't go

quite according to plan today.

Tempers ran high,
things got heated,

I lost consciousness,

but we're tough.

I mean, we fight hard,

but we love even harder.

(groans)

And we've got passion,

and that's really what
matters most to me.

BRADEN: Sorry, mate.
We were so close.

KENNETH: If you're gonna
do something...

Don't touch that arm.

Okay.

You better be ready to give it
all you got, you know?

I mean, not bad.
Not bad.

Yeah, I was ticked off

because I got
a pretty bad nip.

But Braden assured me
that the company has

good health insurance,

so I'm looking forward to that.

You know, but for now, I guess
the journey continues,

so I'll just soldier on.

♪ ♪

BRADEN: You know,
it's tough being a leader.

You gotta do a lot of things
that you don't wanna do.

Sometimes you gotta
lie to people.

You know, you gotta look 'em
straight in the face

and say, "We've got
health insurance, mate."

We don't.

No company would cover us.

But it's for the greater good.

♪ ♪

The sun's gonna set today,

and it's gonna rise tomorrow.

So I guess all you can do
is just remind yourself

that there's plenty of fish
in the sea.

♪ ♪

And we're gonna find 'em

and have sex with 'em.

♪ ♪

BRADEN: Okay, guys,
what went wrong,

what went right, and how are
we gonna do it better?

‐Tim?
‐I really don't think

anybody should be trying
to hold a shark's jaw closed.

Yeah, shut up.

Just kidding.
Okay, anyone else?

‐Yeah, Kitty?
‐KITTY: I just think that

we might need
a bigger first aid kit

'cause this one has
two bandages, but, um,

this one's actually used.

BRADEN:
Okay, safety first, Kitty.

Good on ya.

Okay, up this week:

if you can't beat 'em,
double the size.

One and a‐‐yeah,
1 1/2 the size.

Whatever, we're gonna
go for a larger shark.

(dramatic musical flourish)

(upbeat electronic music)

♪ ♪

CUPCAKKE: ♪ His dick
smaller than my toes ♪

♪ Yeah, yes,
smaller than my toes ♪

♪ His dick
smaller than my toes ♪

♪ I'd rather
ride Squidward nose ♪

(jangly hip‐hop music)

♪ My eyelash flew off ♪

♪ When I saw that dick
was too soft ♪

♪ What the fuck?
Need a dick like Rick Ross ♪

♪ Or Dora the Explorer
get lost ♪

♪ Get in my zone,
I'm ass naked at home ♪

♪ He knowin'
just when I'm on ♪

♪ I post it up like Malone ♪

♪ Get so much neck,
it's wrong ♪

♪ That I should
smell like cologne ♪

♪ Swallow this dick,
it's gone ♪

♪ He's searchin' for it
on Chrome ♪

♪ His dick
smaller than my toes ♪

♪ Yeah, yes,
smaller than my toes ♪

♪ His dick
smaller than my toes ♪

♪ I'd rather
ride Squidward nose ♪

‐(clear music)
‐CHORUS: ♪ Yes ♪