All language subtitles for Applesauce.2015.720p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

[jazz music playing]

♪♪

- Did she find the dog?

- Yeah, I saw her find the dog.

- What did she do?

She must have
freaked out, right?

- She started running
around screaming and yelling,

freaking out.

Then she laid down and started
giving the dog mouth to mouth.

- Disgusting.

- It is disgusting.

who would do such
a thing like that?

- You must have
really hated that dog.

- No, the dog was great.
I loved that dog.

- You loved the dog?

- Yeah.

- Then why did you poison it?

- Because I hated her.

- Cruelty to animals is one of
the lowest things you can do.

You're a scumbag.

- what are you talking about?

You asked me for the story,
I'm telling you the story.

- Well I'm sorry I asked.

I hope someone poisons you, Ted.

I really do.

I think about the human race.

I think about the
end of the world.

I wonder about it.

Are we worth saving?

What kind of person poisons
his ex-girlfriend's dog

to get revenge?

How can you forgive someone
for something like that?

Can you forgive them?
I don't know,

it's hard to have faith
in the human race

when there are people
like Ted walking the Earth.

You're listening to
Stevie Bricks Show

and this is Stevie Bricks

and I thank you if you're
tuning in tonight.

It's Tell-all Tuesday

and I want to know the worst
thing you've ever done.

Maybe you're a
high school teacher

and you've had sex
with a student.

Maybe you're an ex-Nazi

and you worked in a
concentration camp.

Or maybe you worked at
the World Bank or TMZ.

Whatever it is, this is a chance
for you to tell your story.

Ron from New York,
you're on the air.

What's the worst thing
you've ever done?

- I can't believe I'm
talking to Stevie Bricks.

- Man, I love your show.
- Thanks.

- I listen to you
all the time, man.

- All the time.
- Ron, you flatter me.

- What's the worst thing
you've ever done?

- Well, I've never
told anyone this story.

- Okay, well let's hear it.

- It was a long time ago.
It was in college, actually.

- Mm-hmm.
What happened?

Did you take advantage
of someone?

- No, like a girl?

I would never do
anything like that.

I'm not that kind of guy.

- Well, what did you do, Ron?

Hmm?

You there?

- I'm sorry, man.
I'm just nervous.

I've been carrying this story
with me for a long time.

Tonight's the night I
finally share it with the world.

Here it goes,

the worst thing I've ever done.

- I cut off a man's--
- Ron, we got to go.
we're late.

- I'm on the phone.

- who are you talking to?
- It doesn't matter.

- Honey, we got to go.
We're already late.
- It's okay.

- Ron, you there?

- Yeah, we are just
dealing with something.

I'm dealing with my wife
actually, so it's fine.

- Hurry.
We have to wrap this up now.
- Okay, okay.

- Who is it?
Who are you talking to?
- It doesn't matter.

- I just don't want
to lose the table

because we all have to
sit at the same time.

- Okay, it looks like Ron is
in the middle of some sort of

domestic dispute.

- Will you give me a second,
please?

- We can't sit down
until all of us are there.

- Can, you just
give me a second?

- Ron, this is live radio.
I don't have a second.

- No, no it's fine.
It's all taken care of,

because I'm going to tell
you the story right now.

- I'll give you 30 seconds.

- Uh-huh.
Some other time, Ron.

- Hello?
- 29, 28

- Hello?
- 27, 26...

- He hung up.

- Who were you talking to?

- Stevie Bricks.

- Stevie Bricks, the radio guy?

- Yeah.

- Ron, he's totally obnoxious.
Come on, let's go.

- How are you
already ready to go?

You take forever to get ready.

- Are you really
wearing that shirt?

- What's wrong with this shirt?

- You look like a
Mexican Ken Doll.

I don't like you
listening to that show.

- I'm not a 1 2-year-old, okay.
I can listen to whatever I want.

Besides, I don't give you a
hard time about watching that

prison show you love so much.

- Yeah,
but why would you call in?

- Can you slow down
a little bit?

- Ron, no.
We're running late.

- You're power walking
it feels like

- and my feet are hurting.
- I'm not power walking.

- Seriously,
just slow down a little bit.

- You know what,
you really need to get in shape.

A lot of fat around
the mid-section

is a sign of heart disease.

- I'm fine, okay?

- You know what my mom wants
to get you for Christmas?

- What?
- A defibrillator.

- Okay, then get pesto,
you can get anything you want.

- We can share something.

- Okay, all right.

- You are so beautiful.
Isn't my wife...

Isn't she the most beautiful
thing you've ever seen?

- She really is.
- Really.

- Yeah, beautiful.

- You like to make me blush.
- Gorgeous.

- Nicki, you look
beautiful as well.

- Oh, thank you.

- Ron, doesn't Nicki
look beautiful tonight?

- She looks great, okay.

I don't need confirmation
that she's looks beautiful.

I know she's beautiful.
You look beautiful too.

Everybody here
looks really great.

That's terrific.

Now can you guys just stop
doing what you're doing

because I don't even want
to eat dinner because...

- Ron's not one to
give compliments much.

Actually, he doesn't
really say, "I love you."

- Well, sometimes.
- What's the matter with you?

- I just don't feel like you
have to say it all the time.

You know, before you go to bed,
before you go to work,

before you go to the bathroom.

There's something about it
that reeks of desperation.

Constantly, "I love you,
I love you,

I love you."

- Exactly what you guys
are doing right now.
- No.

- I'm not questioning
your love for each other.
- I love you.

- I'm just saying there's
something about it

that's slightly
pathetically sad.

And desperate.

- You should try it.
You should try it, Ron.

- It feels good.
- Yeah, It just feels good.

- She knows I love her.

I don't have to tell her
she's beautiful

to confirm that I love her.

- It's just a reminder that you
can give love and receive love

and it just feels so good
inside when you say it.

Just try it.

- We give and receive love
once a month, at least.

- It's nice to hear sometimes.

I'm just letting you know that.

I'm fine,
it's nice to hear sometimes.

- Listen to your woman.

- How are we doing
over here, guys?

- Good, good.
- Great!

- Are you ready to order?
- Yeah!

- You got any questions
about the menu?

- Um.
- Um.

- I know what I want,
spaghetti and meatballs.

- I think it was based
on her biography.

- Yeah, she went to prison
for like a year and a half

for embezzlement or something.

- That's right.

- I wonder if she regrets it.
- I can't imagine she would.

She got a biography
and a hit TV show out of it.

It's the best thing
that ever happened to her.

- I don't know if I'd trade
1 8 months of my life

for a career in
film and television.

- Well, she probably saw
it as an opportunity

to capitalize off of a
unique life experience.

- I can't believe we're
sitting around talking about

a television show
about women in prison.

We're all adults, we should
be talking about something

sophisticated, like literature,
or books or something like that.

- It's based on a book.

- This is a worthy conversation.
It's culture.
- Yeah.

- But I'm just sick of hearing

that we're in the Golden Age
of television, okay?

It's still just a
big distraction.

It doesn't compare to reading.

- This coming from the
man who listens to

the Stevie Bricks Show.

- Who listens to Stevie Bricks?
- What?

- This fucking guy does.

- No.

- He's the worst.

- You listen to Stevie Bricks?

- He's sexist.

- Hey, look at it this way.
If it wasn't for sexist people,

feminism wouldn't have a cause.

- You know, I...

- Actually, tonight he was
calling into the show.

That's why we were late.

- You call in?
- Yeah.

- It's the first time
I called in.

- You're as low-brow
as they get.

- Stevie Bricks
is not low-brow, okay?

He's an anthropologist.

- He has people call in
to break wind on air.

Did you call in to do that?

- I would never air
my air on air.

I mean,
I would never do that.

- Why did you call?
- He doesn't do that
anymore, by the way.

- He's more sophisticated
than that.

- So, why did you call in?
- Yeah, why did you call in?

- All right, once a week
he has this segment

called Tell-all Tuesday,

where callers call in
and they tell a story.

They tell the worst thing
they've ever done.

So I was calling in

to talk about the worst
thing I've ever done.

- Which was?

- What's the worst thing
you've ever done?

- Yeah, what's the worst
thing you've ever done?
- I don't want to talk about it.

- You were going to
tell all of New York.
- Yeah.

- The moment is gone though.

- No, no, no,
the moment's not gone.

The moment is now.

What did you do?

- Tell us.
Do you know this story?

- I have no idea.

I mean, he's done some
really shitty things,

so I would love to know
what the worst thing is.

- Tell us.

- I cut a guy's fingers off.

- What?
- Bullshit.

- No, it's true. I did.
- Bullshit.

- No, you didn't.

- I was at a frat party
in college,

partying and drinking.

I had to go to the bathroom,

so, I was waiting in line
to go to the bathroom.

There's a girl standing there,
she's cute

and I start talking to her.
I start flirting.

I start making her laugh,

because I've had a few drinks
and got a lot of bravado.

I'm very charming, you know,
when I'm drunk.

So we're talking,
having a good time,

we're laughing.

This is all in the span
of a few minutes.

Then, out of the blue, this big
dude comes out of the bathroom

and he sees me
talking to this girl.

Obviously it's his girlfriend.

And he slams me
up against the wall,

and he says, "What the fuck are
you doing talking to my girl?"

- It's his girlfriend?
- Apparently,
it's his girlfriend.

- What were you saying to her?

- Nothing, I don't remember.

- People get jealous,
you know...college guys.

- I'm just flirting with her
like people do at parties.

It was a long time ago.
I was drunk and stoned.

I wasn't saying anything
crude or untoward.

- So he's got you, right?

He's throttling you
and then what?

- He's not throttling me.

- He's smacking you
around like a little bitch.

- No, he's not slapping me
around like a little bitch,

but he's pushing me
up against the wall

and he's screaming at me.

- He's actually assaulting me.
- Right.

- So, I don't take shit
like that from anybody.

I may be a small guy,
but if people fuck with me,

I'll fuck shit up
if I get provoked.

- Okay, just tell us the story.
- Anyway, Rambo.

- So I just react

and I just shove the guy
as hard as I can

and he topples right over.

I wrestled in high school.
I'm a strong motherfucker.

I can get people
off balance, right.

So the guy's on the floor,
and he's writhing around

and he's trying to get up.

And he stands up and
he's really pissed off now,

- because I've humiliated him
in front of all these people.
- Good, good.

- He deserved it, right?
- Yeah, he deserved it.

- I hate punks like that.
- I do too

- but, he stands up and
he's really pissed off now.

So I'm a little scared,
not because I'm a pussy,

but this is seriously
some fucked up shit.

So, he starts coming after me

and he charges me
with his hands out like this

and my fight or flight
response takes hold.

So I just slam the
bathroom door and I run.

I just run like hell.

But the thing is, this
bathroom door is really heavy.

It's like one of these big
industrial bathroom doors,

so when it slams,
and I slam it shut,

it slams really hard.
It's like "wham!"

You know, really, really hard.

And I start running but then
I hear all this screaming

and yelling, like,
"Oh my God!"

It's pandemonium,
complete pandemonium.

And I look up and this frat
guy is back on me again

and he's like,
"Look what you did to me!

Look what you did to me,
mother fucker!"

- And there's blood everywhere.
- Oh my God.

This is all kind of a blur.

Again, because, you know,
I'm a little bit stoned and inebriated.

But I'll never forget this.

There's blood all over
my sweater,

blood all over the walls.

He says,
"Look what you did to me!"

And I look up

and two of his fingers
are missing.

They're cut off and there's
blood just gushing everywhere.

Again, this is a frenzy.
It's out of control.

- It's complete bedlam.
- I can't believe you
didn't tell me this.

- The door cut his fingers off?

- The door cut his
fucking fingers off.
- Really?

- Is it a heavy, heavy door?
It could have done that?

- It wasn't like they were
dangling or mangled.

- They were clean cut.
- Off? Off?

- Off.
- And then what happened?

- So everybody's freaking out.

People are freaking out.
I'm freaking out.

The guy's freaking out.
And I just run, I run like hell.

I run out of the frat house.
I run across campus.

I get to my dorm room

and I pretty much hide in the
dorm room until the next day.

- Did you get into trouble?

- No, I didn't get into trouble.

- They didn't have
cell phones back then

so no one took a photo.

- No one saw you.
No one fingered you?

- People saw me, but they
didn't know who we were.

We used to go to these frat
parties, my friend and I.

We would bounce
around frat court.

We would go from one
frat party to next frat party,

- drinking their beer,
fucking their women.
- Right, sure.

- Oh, come on.

- That's the way you do,
or the way one does.
- You guys...

- Anyway, that's the
worst thing I ever did.

I cut a guys fingers off.

- Did you ever wonder
whatever happened to that guy?

- I wouldn't know that guy
if I saw him today.

- You don't think that's
hanging over your head.

The guy's somewhere
standing nearby.

- It could be this guy right here
and I wouldn't even know.

You know?

- How are you guys doing?

- Good.
- Good, a little nauseated.

- Anybody want dessert?

- Yes, I'll have the Tiramisu.
- No!

- Oh, this is so good.
- Why didn't you guys
just get your own?

- I just wanted a bite.
- We could have gotten extra.

- You don't need the
extra calories, Ron.

- Take your time,
whenever you guys are ready.
- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- No, no we got this.
- Yeah.

- This is our turn.
- Are you sure?

- You guys paid last time.

- Did we?
- Yeah.

- Yeah,
it's definitely our turn.

- I mean, this place is more
expensive than the last place,

but that's fine.

- Goodnight, babe.

Oh sweetheart,
I'm really stuffed.

That food was so rich.

- You want to fool
around a little bit?

- I'm really tired, honey.

I had a fucking long day.

- Fine.

- Hey.
- Yeah.

- I love you.

- I love you too.

- Les?

- Huh?

- What's the worst thing
you've ever done?

- I need to tell you something.
- Huh, what?

- I love you.

- Huh?
- I love you.

- Hey look at me for a second.
- What?

- I love you.
- I know.

- No, I mean, I really,
really love you.

You're the most beautiful
women I've ever seen in my life.

If I believed in God,
I would thank him or her,

everyday, that he made you
just stupid enough to marry me.

- Thanks.

- Thank you for
making her so stupid.

I don't know what I
would do without you.

- You're very sweet.

- We should make a baby.

- No.

- What the fuck?!

- That's the most disgusting
thing I've ever heard

in my entire life.

- You asked me
and I told you.

Why the fuck did you ask me
if you didn't want to hear it?

- You peed on a puppy?

An innocent puppy?

- It was in fucking high school.

It was ages ago.

- So let me get this straight.

You're with your punk ass
high school friends

and you're walking in the woods
and you see a stray puppy,

so you pull out your cocks
and you piss all over it?

- That's what you did?
- I'm not proud of it.

- I'm going to be sick.

- Why are you getting so upset?

You're acting like we
ripped it open and ate it.

- I just wish you never
would have told me.

I can't handle things like this.

You know I obsess over things.

- Fine, can we start over now?

The worst thing I ever did?

I stole a pair of
running shoes, okay?

- What was it doing when you
were pissing all over it?

- There were three of us, okay?

It would run one way,
I would spray it with pee.

It would run the other way,

another guy would
spray it with pee.

- We had it running around
in circles.
- Oh my God.

- I'm going to be sick.
I'm going to be so sick.

- You know, when we first met
and we were experimenting,

we use to give each
other Golden Showers,

remember that?

- That was consensual.

- Okay, the next time
I pee on a puppy,

I'll get it's consent, alright?

- When I was in college,

I used to be an
animal rights activist.

I used to throw buckets of paint
on people who wore fur coats.

- That's a fantastic way
to solve a problem,

just throw a
bucket of paint on it.

Who thought of that?
It's genius.

- Its better than
a bucket of piss.

- Fine, shut the light.

- You need to make amends.

- I'll make a donation
to the humane society.

- That could work.

- Like, five thousand dollars.
- Fine.

- That's five thousand less
than we'll have to spend

on shit we like.

- Like, five hundred dollars.
- Done.

- Shut the light.

What's the worst thing
you've ever done?

[indistinct conversation]

- Right off the bat,

does anybody recognize
what I'm drawing?

- Twin Towers?

- Twin Towers.
That's exactly right.

And we all know what
happened to the Twin Towers.

September 1 1th 2001 ,

they were reduced to a big
heap of smoldering rubble, okay.

And we all know what
happened after that.

We went to war with Afghanistan
and we went to war with Iraq

and now Iraq is completely
discombobulated and in pieces.

So, what I want to know is,
instead of going to war,

what are some alternatives
to going to war?

What are some things we could
have done besides going to war?

So, Cameron, let's say
that I walk up to you.

You're in the hallway
and I just punch you.

I just punch you.
I punch you in the shoulder.

Okay, what are you going to do?

- I'm probably going
to punch you back!

- Well, yeah.
That's right, you know.

And I would understand that,

and that's exactly the way
we reacted after 9/1 1 .

We were all very angry,
we wanted revenge.

We were also very scared,
so we reacted with force, okay?

But there wasn't a
lot of compassion.

There was compassion for
the people we lost on 9/1 1 .

There was compassion
for the families,

but there wasn't so
much compassion

for the people we bombed.

Rain, can you put your
cell phone away, please?

So what are some alternatives?

What are some things
we could do besides

punch back, basically.

- You could talk.

- That's good, Kimberly.
We could talk.

Why didn't we think of that?

Someone punches you,
you could ask a question,

for example.

Ask me why I punched you,
Cameron.

I just punched you in the face.
Ask me a question.

Rain.
Come on, man.

Put the cell phone away,
seriously.

You're, like, cramping my
whole style here, okay?

Give it to me.
Give it to me.

- Give it to me.
- No.

- What are you doing?
Why are you doing this?

- This is so stupid.

- Why is this stupid?

- Do you realize
what you're saying?

You're saying that the
terrorists were justified

in what they did.

- No, I'm not saying that.
- Yeah, you are.

- I'm trying to get you all
to learn empathy,

which is something
this me generation of me,

- me, me, doesn't have.
- Empathy?

Why should I be
listening to you?

It's adults that start the wars?

- I had to push a lot strings to
get this through the curriculum.

But, I'm glad you guys
are appreciating it.

You guys have a good day,
take care.

Jesus Christ.

Les?
What are you doing, man?

- I should fuck you up
right now.

- What are you talking about,
man?

- Kate told me about your little
finger bang party last year.

I didn't think you
were the kind of guy

to fuck around with
another man's wife.

- Is everything okay?

- Yeah, Zane, it's cool.

- He's a friend of mine.
- You sure?

- Yeah. It's fine.
He's fine, thanks. It's cool.

You can go back
to your friends.

- All right.
- Bye.

- This is where I work, man.
Don't do this shit, okay.

We were fucking wasted.
It didn't mean anything.

- Oh, is that an excuse?
Does that make it okay?

You were wasted?

- Why do you keep
doing that, man?

- What's wrong with you?
- I'm contemplating
kicking your ass,

but I don't want
to get in trouble.

You hit somebody in the
temple hard enough

you can kill them instantly.

I don't need a manslaughter
conviction.

- Nobody needs a manslaughter
conviction.

- Why did she tell you?

- I have no idea
why she told me.

I would rather I didn't know.

- It was innocent.

- Really?

You know where I come from
stinky pinky isn't innocent.

It's second base.

- Stinky pinky?

- Did you fuck her?

- No, man.
We made out in a bathroom.

It was like two years ago.

I barely remember it, man.

I was plastered.

You're not going to
tell Nicki, are you?

- No, but you should.

- I'm not going to.

- Yeah, I'm not surprised.

You always seemed
like a coward to me.

- I'm not a coward, man.
I use to live in Bedstuy.

- You don't see Kate anymore,
you understand.

You don't talk to her,
you don't even dream about her.

- I can't control
what I dream about.

I had a dream last night I
was 69-ing Donald Rumsfeld.

- Listen to me.
I know gangsters, right.

Real ones.

Sicilians and shit.

You may have cut a guy's
fingers off by accident

but I know people who do that
for a living, okay?

You just watch your back,
motherfucker.

- I wash my back every night.

- Watch!

Watch, motherfucker!

- Fuck.

- Now, my first marriage
was a disaster.

My second marriage
was not much better.

My third was okay...

...but far from perfect.

I'm not a saint, I'll admit it,
but we all have needs.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- ...food and shelter...

- You're listening
to Stevie Bricks.
- Yeah.

- Why?

- I'm just trying to figure out
what you see in this guy.

- What are they talking about?

- Adultery.

- Did you talk to Les?

- Huh? No.

- Turn this off.
This guy's an idiot.

- Oh, now he's an idiot?

I thought you
worshipped the guy.

- You hungry?
- I guess.

- Let's get some Chinese food.

- Okay.

- Les.

- Yes.

- Are you going to talk to me?

- I'm eating.

- So?

- I don't like talking
with my mouth full.

- Well, talk to me when
your mouth is empty.

- I don't feel like
talking tonight.

- Les, I'm sorry.

- What are you sorry about?

It was just a finger, right?

Just one finger.

What's the big deal?

- Felix, how are you?
- Hey, good to see you.

- Good to see you too.
How are things?

- Good, everything's fine.
- How's your family?

- Family's good, too.
- Good?

- There you go, keep the change.
- Thank you.

- Keep the change.
- Oh, thank you.

- How's business?

- Business is better than ever.
- Better than ever?

- In this economy,
the way this economy is,

- everything is good?
- Yeah.

- Nothing's...
You know, that's great.
- Yeah, nothing is affecting us.

- That's what happens when
you sell a good product

- at a good price.
- Oh, thank you.

- That's probably the reason why

- no one goes to
the movies anymore.
- Right, right!

- Well, thanks very much.
- Thank you so much.

- You're a good customer.
- Thanks very much.

- Take care.

[door slams shut]

- You really want to watch
"Life in Orange?"

- Yeah, I want to find out
what the masses are watching.

I'm ready to join the herd.

- Wow, "join the herd."
You make it sound so dumb.

- Well, this is the
New Normalcy...

The New Normality,
I should say.

Each episode is tuning us out
just a little bit more.

It's what Aldous Huxley
talked about in Brave New World.

- You're an idiot.

- It's also what
Neil Postman wrote about.

- I don't know who that is.

- It doesn't matter if
we're getting dumber,

because the singularity
will fix everything.

- Ron, I don't care.
I just want to watch the show.
- Okay.

Is there full frontal in this?

- Les, you're going to be late.

Can I make you breakfast?

[dramatic music plays]

- Okay, so Operation Ajax!

- Isn't that a soap?

- Yeah well, it is a soap, yes.

But in terms of
what happened here,

I wouldn't say there
was anything clean

about what America did, okay?

But if you consider
what we did,

which was pretty lousy,

let's imagine a hypothetical
where it didn't happen.

And we didn't go in and get rid
of the Prime Minister of Iran

in the 1 950's.

How might that have
that affected

Middle Eastern relations today?

How might the Middle East
view us today,

if that hadn't happened?

- Well, it was in our best
interest to do it though,

wasn't it?

- Sure, I guess you
could say that,

economically, it was in our
best interest to take their oil.

All Iran wanted to do
was nationalize their oil,

so what was in
their best interest?

That's what people
don't talk about.

Let's say you got a million
dollars under your bed, okay.

It's in my best interest

to take that million dollars
if I want it,

because I can do a
lot with that money.

But it's not in
your best interest.

Rain, come on, man.
Put the cellphone away.

I'm tired of dealing with this,
every time we're talking.

- Yo, this shit doesn't matter.

- It does matter.

All of this matters.
Empathy matters, okay.

- Give me the cellphone!
- Yo, fuck you, Mr. Wells.

- Ooh.

- Nicki?

That's nice.

[intense music]

♪♪

- Chastity stock is up
4 dollars.

- I told you, right?

I haven't steered you wrong yet.

- I wonder how high
it's going to go

when that first consumer
rocket goes into orbit.

- It's going to go right up
into the stratosphere.

- Let's hope so!

[cell phone vibrating]

- Sorry, Barry.
Let me take this call.

This guy's not going to
leave me alone otherwise.

Fuckface, I told you
not to contact me.

- You're a sick
son-of-a-bitch, Les.

- Oh, I'm a sick son-of-a-bitch?
How so?

- Don't play dumb.
You know what I'm talking about.

- I'm with a client, Ron.

- I thought it was fake at
first, but it's fucking real.

- What's real?
What are you talking about?

- The finger, Les.

Give me a break.
The finger, man!

- The finger?
Which one?

The one you stuck in my wife?

- Where did you get it?
One of your mafia connections?

- I don't have any
mafia connections.

- You told me you had ties
to the Sicilian Mafia family.

- What?
You think because I'm Italian

that I'm connected to the Mob?
What the fuck is that?

- You said so yourself.

- I was just trying to
scare you, you imbecile.

- Well, I don't scare
so easily, Les.

I once watched The Exorcist,
by myself,

in the dark,
all the way through.

- Okay, you know what?

I have no idea what
you're talking about so,

I'm hanging up now.

- You're lucky I
don't go to the police.

- Go to the police, Ron.

Whatever it is
you're talking about...

- I don't need the police, okay?

Let me tell you something,
you might be Italian,

but I'm Turkish and Turkish
people are fucking crazy.

So watch your fucking back.

- Fuck you.

- Hello?

Mother fuck.

[door opening]

[jazz music plays]

♪♪

- Who is that?

Hello?

Who is that?

- Honey?

- Ron?
- Hey. You home?

- Oh, my God.
What are you doing?

- Hey babe.
- What is going on in here?

- I thought there was a robber.

- I've got this little
thyroid thing in my thigh.

I was trying to get it out.

My leg was clotting
or something.

It's fine, though.

- Ron, you need to get
this under control.

You need to see the
trainer I'm working with.

He said he's going to
give you two free sessions.

- I know but you
married me for my...

- No, I married you because
you were a hot wrestler.

- I can still do it, you know.

Come on.
Can you go like that?

Do you want to fucking go?

I'll fucking barnyard
you right now.

Barnyard you.
Do you want me to?

[door clicks shut]

- What?

I was out with a client.

- You're avoiding me, Les.

- What do you want me to say?

- Just talk to me.

It's like we're strangers
all of the sudden.

- All I want to say
are hurtful things, Kate.

I just keep seeing your
hands on his cock

and his fingers inside of you.

- My hand was never
on his cock.

- Yeah, well that's
what I keep seeing.

I keep seeing his tongue
in your mouth

and his hands all over you.

- I'm sorry.

- Yeah, you keep saying that.

- Let's go.
Come on.

Gioia, come on!
We need to go!

- Maybe you're doing
something to provoke her.

You know she can
be very sensitive.

- I'm just doing my job, okay?

Rain's behavior is
becoming more anti-social.

It's interfering with my class.

- Mrs. Bennet, is anything
happening at home

that might be
causing Rain distress?

- Well, her grandfather
is very sick

and she's very close to him.

- Oh, that's sad to hear.
- Diabetes is a serious illness.

They had to amputate one
of his legs below the knee.

They may have to
amputate the other leg soon.

- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Yeah, that's awful.

- But this doesn't give
cause for her to act out

the way you say
that she is.

Normally, she's very
respectful towards authority.

- Yeah, but she's
extremely hostile to me.

- Maybe she's defending herself.

- No.
She's antagonistic.

She's aggressive.

It's completely unprovoked.

- Well, her father was
from the Middle East

and her father was
very emotionally abusive.

- So, he's no longer
in the picture?

- No. He sells shish kabobs
in Sabzevar.

- Just because he was
emotionally abusive,

doesn't mean that all
Middle Eastern men

are emotionally abusive.

- Just because all Middle Eastern
men aren't emotionally abusive

doesn't mean that you're not.

- You can't blame everything
on the Middle East.

- I agree with Ron.
And besides, Ron's American.

- Yeah, but my family
is from Turkey.

- And they have very
backwards policies

towards their women there.

- Actually, no.

Turkey has a very Western
attitude towards women.

- No.

They expect for their
women to be obsequious there.

- Turkish women, obsequious?
- Yeah.

- Are you kidding me?
- No.

- No. If anything Turkish
women are bossy and bitchy.

- Bossy and bitchy?

- I don't mean it like that.

- Do you see what I mean?

- Strong.
Turkish women are very strong.

- No, you're trying
to cover it up.

- I'm mainly referring
to my mother.

My mother was bossy
and bitchy.

- She still is.
- Ron, Ron, Ron, chill.

- I can't be in the room
with this man.

- Mrs. Bennet,
Mrs. Bennet, listen.

We care greatly
about Rain's education.

We feel she's a
very bright girl.

- She's absolutely
a bright girl.

I don't like him.

- I can understand that.

I don't like him either,
but that's another story.

So how long has Rain's
father been out of the picture?

- I became a teacher so
I could make a difference,

to feel good about my life.

But I just feel like I'm
not reaching these kids.

I think it's the parents
to blame to be honest.

I mean, I really just think
that my students hate me.

- I hated all my teachers
in high school.

- You did?
- Yeah.

- Even the ones you fucked?

- Especially the ones I fucked.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Did you fuck a lot of them?

- All of them.

- You need anything washed?
I'm going to go.

- Oh yeah, actually, this shirt.
But can you wash it on cold?

Just wash all of it on cold.

- Wash it on hot.
Got it. I got it.

You need anything else?

- Um... I don't think so.

- Anything dirty?
Your panties?

Are they a little crusty?
Are they a little dirty?

Dirty panties there?

Can I take your panties and
give those a nice washing?

- You want my dirty panties?
- I like your dirty panties.

I like your nice,
crusty panties.

That's the best
thing in the world.

There's nothing like
a nice pile of yeast

to get me through the day.

- You're disgusting.

[smells the panties]

- This would stop a war,
you know what I mean.

Instead of napalm, they
should've just shower

other countries
with your...

Do you want to fool
around before I go?

- No.

- Are you having an outbreak?

[scoffs]
- No.

- It's nothing to be
embarrassed about or ashamed of.

- Whatever.
You gave it to me.

- You don't know that
1 00 percent.

- I do know that 1 00 percent.
I know that 1 00,000 percent.

- You were promiscuous
in college.

You didn't always
use protection.

- It was awesome in college.

- See you later.
I love you.

- You've been saying
that a lot lately.

- I love you?
I've just been feeling amorous.

You know?
So what?

- No, it's weird.

It's like you're compensating
for something.

- You're crazy.
I love you, okay?

You're my wife and I
want the world to know it.

I'll shout it from the streets
when I get downtown.

That's what I'm going to do.

[humming a tune]

- Hey.

I'm making your
mother's Italian Wedding soup.

- I'm going out.

- Where are you going?

- I've got to go do something.
- What do you have to do?

- Who you got to do it with?

- I've just got to meet someone.
- Okay, where are you going?

- I've got to do something.
- I made your favorite soup.

- I can't stay.

- It's going to be done
in twenty minutes.

- I can't stay.
- You need to stay.

- I've got to meet someone.

- You cannot let one finger
ruin an entire life.

It's one little thing.

- I have to leave.
I'll be back later.

- Fine.
- What are you doing?

- I'm just going to...
- What are you doing?

- Why did we get married?

I just want to remind
you of what happened

- that brought us together.
- What are you doing?

- I just want you to know
what you'll be missing.
- I don't want to fuck you.

- What are you talking about?

I'm going to blow you.
You're not going to fuck me.

- You don't have to do anything.
- I jerked off in the shower.

- Fine. Just stand there
and I'll make you...

Just come on.
Fuck me up the ass.

You've always wanted to fuck me
up the ass and I never let you.

- Get some self respect.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you fucking walking out
on me right now?

[door slams shut]

[dramatic music]

♪♪

- [TV show] Can we just stop
fighting please?

Okay, I can't take
the drama anymore.

It's too much.

You used to be nice to me.

- I know.

Prison's hard on a bitch.

- We've got to stick together.

I don't have any friends left.

[phone ringing]

- Hello.

- How's it going?
- Hey man.

- Good to see you again.
- Good to see you too.

All right. Let me see which
one I haven't tried, here.

What are these?

- Uh, those are red velvet.

- I haven't tried red velvet.

Let me try one of those
and a decaf coffee, please.

- Sounds good.

I better get one for my
wife too, don't you think?

- Yeah, you better.
- Let me get a red velvet to go.

- She'll like that.
- All right, all right.

- She'll think that's nice.

- That'll be $7.25.

- $7.25?

Easy! Easy!

- Easy! Easy!
- You know that movie?

- I do.
- Great movie.

[piano music playing]

♪♪

- What the fuck?

What the fuck?

Why is this happening to me?

- Did you see any suspicious
people in the laundromat

while you were doing
your laundry?

- Officer, this is a Brooklyn
laundromat, okay?

Everyone in this place
looks like they're on parole.

- Did you check the dryer
before you put your clothes in?

- What do you mean?

- Was it empty?

Perhaps the foot was
left by the person

who dried his
clothes before you.

- Yeah, I'm sure
that's what happened.

Some people leave
behind spare socks.

Some people leave
behind severed feet.

Mystery solved.

- Are you being sarcastic?

- No.
Not at all.

- You know.
We don't have to be here.

There's a lot of other people
out there with bigger problems.

- Yeah, but most of the
people out there complaining,

their problems that
aren't that big of a deal.

- It's the American way.
- Oh yeah?

- Yeah.
- Here it is.

- Whoa! Mother fucker.
Goddammit!

- If I had to guess,
I'd say it belongs to a male.

Approximately 5' 1 0" in height.

- Will you put that away,
please?

- Jesus Christ.
- Relax, sir. It's just a foot.

- No, man,
I'm freaking out over here.

I'm trembling.
Seriously.

- Just put it in the bag.
Put it in the bag, okay.

Hey, buddy. Relax.
It's going to be all right.

You've just had a
traumatic experience.

- No, man, feet just give
me the creeps in general.

I can't even look at my
wife's feet and they're lovely.

- Well, consider yourself lucky.

My wife's feet
are pretty horrific.

- How is Janet?

- You know, the same.

We got our 20th anniversary
coming up.

[cell phone vibrating]
- Oh, that's great.

- Yeah. We're going to get out
of the city for a day or two.

- Where are you going to go?

- Jersey.

[jazz music plays]

♪♪

- Sorry, I'm late.

You're not going to believe
what happened to me.

Oh.

- I want you to leave.

- Over a kiss?

- You don't throw someone out
of the apartment over a kiss?

- Ron, you touched
her tinkerbell.

- Tinkerbell?

- Her pussy, Ron.
You touched her pussy.

- Maybe I should leave.

- Why did you tell her?

- I had to.
My marriage is falling apart.

- So you're trying to
break up our marriage now?

- No, I just thought
she needed to know.

- Why did you tell Les?

- I'd been carrying it too long.

You're not supposed to
hold on to things like that.

It'll cause cancer.

- Everything causes cancer.

- Why did either of you do this?

Why?
Are you attracted to each other?

- No!
- No!

- She's not my type.

- I don't like fat guys.
- Fuck you.

- I'm leaving.
- Sit down.

- You leave, Ron.
And you are fat.

- I'm the bad guy here, right?
I'm the fucking asshole!

- Yeah, you are an asshole.
- I'm the dick?

- You are a dick.

- Do you want to know
what her psychopath

of a husband did tonight?

Do you want to know?
Listen to this shit.

He followed me to the laundromat

and he put a severed
foot in the dryer

when I was out
getting cupcakes.

- What the hell are
you talking about?

- Les sent me a severed finger

and he put a fucking
severed foot in our laundry.

He's a lunatic.

- Nothing that you're saying
makes any sense right now.

- It doesn't make any sense,
you're right.

Why do you think I was at
the laundromat for so long?

- I don't know.
- I was talking to the police.

- Here's the police report.
Look at it.

This is a fucking nightmare.

Take it!

- Okay, so where's this foot?

- The police took it.

- Where did they take it?

- To the police station.

You think they're going
to let me bring it home

and use it as a doorstop?

It's evidence.

- Who's foot is it, Ron?
Who's foot?

- Daniel Day-Lewis'?

How am I supposed to know
whose fucking foot it is.

I don't know.

Cut me some fucking
slack here, okay.

Somebody is fucking
with me in a big,

major fucking way,
and it's this guy here.

- Wait. What did you do
with the laundry?

- I threw it away.

- Why would you throw
the laundry away?

- Do you want me to bring
the laundry back here?

There was a hot, severed,
festering foot in the laundry.

You want me to
bring it back here?

Do you know how
unsanitary that is?

I was thinking about us.
That shit's toxic.

- I fucking hate you.

My favorite shirt
was in that laundry.

- Can I talk to you
for a second please?

It'll just take a second.
Just have a seat, please.

Your book bag looks a
little heavy today.

What you got in there?

- My books.

- Since when did you start
carrying books in your book bag?

Listen, I just learned that
your grandfather lost his foot.

- What?

- He had his foot amputated?

- He had his leg amputated.

- So, it's true.

- What are you saying right now?

- Do you have access
to the foot?

Did you have access to
the foot in some way?

- No, I do not have
access to his foot.

- Look, Rain.
I know you don't like me, okay.

But what you're doing
is criminal behavior

and if you don't stop,
I'm telling you,

it could jeopardize your
chances at college.

- What are you
accusing me of, exactly?

- Just stop what
you're doing, sister.

- Sister?

- Just, stop what you're doing

because if you don't stop
what you're doing,

I'm going to make your life
a living hell, okay?

I'm going to fuck you up.

- You're fucking ridiculous.

- If you keep interfering
with my life, okay?

I just want you to know that.

Okay.

- He's making the
whole thing up.

- Of course he is.

- I manage multi-million
dollar accounts.

I do business with
Fortune 500 CEOs.

- No, you don't.
Which ones?

- Okay, middle-managers.

But they could be CEOs one day.

- What's your point?

- The point is that I'm not
sending body parts to Ron

and the fact that I'm having
dinner to defend myself

is beyond insulting.

- It's about more than that.
It's about fixing things.

- I'm not ready.

- There's a lot of negative
energy between us right now,

but the important thing
is that we're here

and we're being honest
with each other.

It shows that we care

and that we think this
friendship is worth saving.

Right?

- Uh-huh.

- Great speech.
- Thanks.

- Seriously.
Martin Luther King, Jr. worthy.

- Are you all ready to order?

- I'm not really hungry but
I'll have another drink please.

- Me too,
I'll have another one.

- Yeah, more Sangria, please.

- Yeah.
Another, please.

- Just keep them coming, okay.
Just keep bringing drinks.

- Of course.
- Yeah, thanks.

- I'm not really hungry either.

We should probably just have
something light tonight,

like fingerfood.

Les, you've probably have
some on hand, right?

Fingerfood? Can you give
us some finger food?

A little finger action?

- You know, Ron,

I'm not the
passive-aggressive type.

If I wanted revenge, I wouldn't
send you body parts.

I'd just take you out back
and beat the shit out of you.

- Is that right?
- Yeah.

- And I still might.

- I tell you what.

- Let's go out here, right now.
- Let's go.

- Just stop it.
Sit down, right now.

- You wanna go?
- Sit down. Sit down.

- You think I'm playing around?

- No one is going outside.

- We're going to sit here
like mature adults

- and work through this.
- If Italy and Turkey
were in a war,

we'd fucking beat the
shit out of all you guys.

- We own you!
- No, we'd fuck you up!

- Constantinople?
That's a Roman city!

- That was then.
I'm talking about now.

- Yeah, that shit's coming back.

- Let's do it right here,
right now.

- Turkish little prick.
- Right in front.

- Right here, right now.

- Men are so stupid.

- Oh man.

- Alcohol is the greatest
drug on earth, you know.

There's a reason why
they call them spirits.

Because they sure do lift them.

- I've got to make a phone call.

- Who you gonna call?

- Ghostbusters.
None of your fucking business.

- Tell Bill Murray I said hello.

- Who are you calling?

- It's just a work thing.
I'll be right back.

- Now the fun can begin.

Isn't Les like that asshole boss
that everyone hates at work?

He's always looking over your
shoulder and micro-managing you.

Now that he's gone,
it's like we're on vacation

and we can just relax.

- I'm going to go to the
bathroom.

- Okay, baby.
I love you.

- Uh-huh.
Try not to finger each other.

- That's funny.
Isn't that funny?

- No.

- Everything's falling apart.
Right before our very eyes.

It's all crumbling.

- Who cares?
Another failed marriage or two.

It's not even going to make
a dent in the divorce rate.

Think about what's
happening in Iraq.

They've got problems.
This is nothing.

- I have a healthy marriage.

I had a healthy marriage.
And I have to fix this.

- Be honest.

Don't you think these
two are blowing things

out of proportion
a little bit.

- Yeah, a little bit.

- Is that really the worst
thing you've ever done?

Cheated on your husband?

- I don't consider what
happened with you cheating.

I've done more than that
with first cousins, okay?

- Then why are you so guilty?

Why are you overridden
with guilt?

- Because I have a conscience.

You're not supposed to do
that when you're married.

I have a conscience.

- I don't think so.
I just think you're confused.

- I'm not confused.

- Les showed me video
of you in college.

You were at some kind of parade,
and you were down on all fours

and you were wearing furry ears
and howling at the moon.

I don't know what that was
about but it was ridiculous.

- That was for animal rights.

That wasn't confusion.
It was for animal rights.

- Animals don't have rights,
Kate.

- Yes, they do.

- You and Bob Barker,
I swear to God.

- What about Bob Barker?

- Remember, at the end
of The Price is Right,

he would say, "Get your
pets spayed and neutered."

- Remember when he'd say that?
- Yeah. Yeah, you should.

- He's the one who should
have been neutered, okay.

He was fucking
everybody on that show.

They should have cut his
balls off, probably.

- Well, listen.
That's the other thing.

He peed on a puppy

and I think that's why I
just wanted to hurt him.

That's why I told him about us.

- Bob Barker peed on a puppy?

- No!
Les peed on a puppy.

- Les peed on a puppy?
- Yes.

- Why did he pee on a puppy?
- I don't know.

- What kind of person
pees on a puppy?

- It's disturbing, I know.
- It is disturbing.

- It's serial killer shit
is what it is.

That's what they do.
It's a common denominator.

They torture animals
at a young age.

I'm telling you.
He's sending me body parts.

- He is.
- No, he's not.

- I know my husband.

He looked you in the eyes and
he told you he wasn't doing it.

He is not sending
you body parts.

- I don't believe it.
- He's not. No.

- Especially now,
after hearing this.

I don't believe it at all.

- He would never.
- He's dangerous.

- You're in danger.

- Oh hey, what's up?

We were just talking about
"The Brothers Karamazov,"

that book,
that Russian novel.

I think if I had finished reading it,

it probably would have been
the best book I ever read.

- I didn't finish it either.

- What's on your face?

- Should we order some food?

I am fucking starving.

[jazz music plays]

♪♪

[moaning]

- Yeah.

Right there.
Yeah, that's good.

Oh yeah.
Fuck me harder!

Yeah.

Oh God!
Oh God!

Harder!

Pull my hair!

- Oh God.
Oh God.

- Cum on my stomach!
Cum on my stomach!

Yeah, yeah.

- My God.

That was amazing.

I love you.

- I love you.

- Are we that shallow that all
it takes is a little payback

and all is well?

I make out with your friend,
you make out with my friend

and the slate's wiped clean.

- We didn't just make out.

- Where did you do it?
In the bathroom?

- Is that where you hooked up?
- Uh-huh.

- I'm not even jealous.

- Yeah, but we didn't
just make out, Ron.

- What do you mean?

- I gave him a blowjob.

[trumpet squeals]

- Okay,
let me just get this straight.

So you're saying that women
should wear the hijab.

- I think that I'm starting to
maybe understand why, why...

- So they have an obligation?

- Not an obligation,
but I feel I understand...

- Is that their only obligation?

- I understand why there's
a reason behind, why,

- maybe, they should wear it.
- So, what's the reason?

- So, we should be covered

because men can't
control themselves?

- I think that's a very
good way to look at it.

Because men think
about sex all the time.

- Women think about sex too.

- I know women think
about sex all the time.

That's the thing.

If you all didn't act upon
your sexual impulses so much,

maybe there wouldn't be
these things happening here.

[school bell ringing]

- You used to be my
favorite teacher.

Now I think you're scum.

- I was just...uh...

- Talk about empathy.

- Do we belong in a kitchen too?

- I'm really disappointed.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- So, you're just not
going to talk to me now?

- There's nothing to talk about.

- Well, how about,
"How's your day?"

- Do you want to know
how my day went?
- Yeah.

- Same day as it always is.

I'm teaching a bunch of
useless information

to a bunch of apathetic kids

who don't give a fuck
what I have to say.

That's how my day went.

[knock on the door]

- Who's that?
- I ordered Chinese food.

- Oh, well,
did you get me some?

- Nope.

Keep the change.

- Thanks.

[dramatic music plays]

♪♪

- [TV show] They don't sell
organic tampons

at the commissary.

They sell that generic shit.

It feels like fly paper.
I can't use that.

I need organic cotton.

- [TV show] It's not my fault
you've got a sensitive vagina.

- So that's how it's
going to be, huh?

- I guess so.

- You're just going to act
like I'm not here.

- I guess so.

[scoffs]
- Real mature, Ron.

- I guess so.

- You know what,
this is bullshit.

- You know what your problem is?
- I guess so.

- You're a hypocrite.
- Uh-huh. Yep.

- How is what I did any
different than what you did?

- Give me a break.

You can't compare the fact
that I touched Kate's vagina

with you having Les' cock
in your mouth.

It's not the same thing.

- Oh, okay. So your excuse is,
"Oh, I got drunk,

- it didn't mean anything."
- That's right.

- Can't I use the same excuse?
- That's exactly right.

- You can't use the
same fucking excuse.

It's not the same fucking thing.

- Goddammit!
- What?

- There's a fucking
cock in my mouth!

There's a penis in my
fucking Chinese food!

- So you normally make
all the deliveries here?

- Yes.

- But you didn't
deliver it this time.

- Well, I was on my way here,
and a guy stopped me downstairs.

He said he was staying
in the same apartment.

So he paid for the food and
he said he would bring it up.

- So you let him
bring the food up?

- Sure.

Because he knew the
apartment number.

He knew Mr. Ron's name.

And he seemed to
be a very nice guy.

I didn't think anything bad
was going to happen.

Besides, he gave me a big tip.

- Oh, great.
You got a big tip.

You get a big tip and I
get a big dick in my mouth.

That's a fair exchange.

- I'm so sorry, Ron.

I brought you a new order,
on the house.

- You keep it, okay?
I lost my appetite.

I'll probably never
eat again after tonight.

- Well, look on the bright side.

Think of all the weight
you'll lose.

- Fuck you.

- Hey, hey, hey.
We don't need that kind of talk.

And in the future,

you need to make all the
deliveries yourself, okay.

- But I didn't know.
- Yeah, I know, I know, I know.

Is this going to
be on the internet?

- I don't know about that.

- It's going to kill my
business. Very badly.

- We'll try to keep it
under wraps, okay?

- Okay.
Thank you, officer.

- Mr. Wells. Do you recall
what the man looked like

who delivered the food?

- I didn't even see the guy!

- Why not?

- I just gave him the money
and he gave me the food,

and that was it.

- So you don't look people in
the eyes when you talk to them?

- I was agitated.

- Why were you agitated?

- Domestic issues.

- What kind of domestic issues?

- Personal shit, man.
It's none of your business.

What are you implying?

- I just want to know
why you were agitated.

- I'm agitated because you're
asking me why I'm agitated.

I'm agitated because...
I'm just agitated.

I don't like it when people
ask me why I'm agitated...

I don't know.

- Miss, are you okay?

- It's Mrs. and she's fine.

- I got it.
- God damn, fucking cock!!

- Let's see if we can
match the severed member

to the severed foot.

It might be from the same body.

- Judging from the foot size,
I'd say it is.

- Ma'am, if you have
any trouble at all,

don't hesitate to call me.

- Thank you so much, officer.

- Wait a second, why are you
giving her special treatment?

I'm the one who
got violated, man.

- Calm down, buddy.

- Don't tell me to calm down.

There was a severed dick
in my mouth.

I've sucked a dick before,
in college,

but it was attached
to a body, okay.

And my wife is running around

acting like a fucking
sword swallower

from the Barnum
and Bailey Circus.

And out of all the cops in
Brooklyn they can send me,

they send me Andre the Giant
and Betty Boop.

Okay?
I want some fucking answers!

[Stevie Bricks laughing]

- No, I'll tell you this,

if I found a penis
in my Chinese food,

I'd probably throw a rock
through the window.

What's the name of the place?
What is it?

Hong Kong Castle?

They should change it
to Long Dong Castle.

Be careful ordering noodles
from that place, people.

You might get
something a little extra.

Anyway, by now most
of you have heard,

the Chastity Fielding 27,

crashed after take-off
on Tuesday.

This was supposed to be the
first commercial airplane

to orbit the earth.

- This place is great.

I had dinner here
a few weeks ago.

- Yeah?
Well, I hope you're paying.

Chastity stock is
down 50 percent.

- It's all right, Barry.
Don't worry.

I got this.

It's going to go back up again.

- "Consumer space travel,
that's the way of the future."

- That's what you said, dude.
- It is. It is.

- Well, if that first test
flight is any indication,

the future looks pretty bleak.

- Come on, Barry.
Listen.

It's a test,
the rocket exploded in a test.

That's what a test is for.

- You guys ready to order?
- Yeah, I think so.

- I was overhearing
your conversation

about the Chastity thing.

Man, that was a tragedy, huh?

- Yeah, well.

They'll get a consumer flight
into space before you know it

and that stock's going to
take off like a rocket.

- Hopefully, it doesn't take
off like the last one did.

- Yeah, I'm pretty sure
they're going to get it up.

There's no doubt about that.

It's only a matter of time.

Can you imagine
being that pilot?

The guy who was in there,

having trained his whole life
for that one moment.

And then you're finally up
soaring toward the sky and

everything you studied for,
hoped for, dreamed for....

gone.

- Honey,
nobody is following you.

Really?
With the spitting still?

[sighs]

So, they're not actually
firing you, right?

- No, it's a leave of absence.

- Okay, so great.
How long?

- Like, a month.

- And they're paying you?

- Yeah.

- Okay, so what's the big deal?

- I don't get why companies act
like a leave of absence with pay

is punishment.

It's a gift.

- That's a good way
of looking at it.

- Hi.

- What the fuck are you doing?

- I'm not really hungry.

You got any wine or any liquor?

- I know who's sending
you body parts.

Fuck it, let's have a drink.

- It's just too simple, man.
It's not that simple.
- Why?

- Because there are too many...
- Too many what?

- Too many suspects.
- Who?

- You.

- I'm not sending you
body parts, okay?

- My students, for one.

- Who?

- Rain, the one who hates me.

- Why would she send you
body parts?

- Because she hates me.

- Where would she
get the body parts?

- Her grandfather has diabetes;
they amputated his foot.

- That's fucking ridiculous.

- You thought she took her
grandfather's amputated foot

and put it in the dryer?

- It's not funny.
- Yes, it is.

- Actually it isn't.

My uncle has diabetes.

- Tom Hanks has diabetes.
- What?

- No.
- Yeah.

- Okay and then I thought
maybe it was Rain's mom.

- Why would she
send you body parts?

- She hates Arabs, okay,

and that's the new trend
in the world,

is to blame the Muslims.

- You're not Muslim.
- She doesn't know that.

- It's this guy, the waiter.

He overheard us
talking that night.

- Where did he get my name?
Where did he get our address?

- You paid for dinner.

- Did we pay for dinner?

- Yeah, I remember, because
you never pay for dinner.

But you did that night.

So he has your name and he
has your credit card number.

Finding out your address
with that information

isn't that difficult.

- Okay, possibly.

But the chances that it's the
same guy from college,

- that was 20 years ago,
there's no fucking way.
- So what?

- It's too coincidental.
- This shit happens
all the time.

- He's right, he's right.

My aunt turned 50,
she went to Tibet

on a mountain
climbing expedition.

She gets to the top
of this mountain,

there's a man sitting on a rock,
next to a camp fire.

It's her high school
sweetheart,

who she has not seen
in 30 years.

- Bullshit.
- I swear to God it's true.

- That's an urban legend.

It's like the guy who
accidentally fucked his sister

at a frat party.

- It's a little more
romantic than that.

- I hired a private investigator

to do a background
check on this guy

and find out who he is.

- No, you didn't.
- Yeah, I did.

- We can't afford a
private investigator.

- You don't have to worry about
it, I'm taking care of it.

- Well, that's pretty
big of you.

- Well, I'm a big man, Ron.

- Yeah, you are, very big.

- Well, you would know, Nicki.

- What are you talking about?

- Oh, he didn't tell you?

- Tell me what?

- She sucked your dick?!

- You fucked around with him,
and that's what happens.
- I didn't fuck around with him.

- You don't like it, right?
- I didn't fuck around with him.

- This is how I felt
for the last two weeks!
- She sucked your dick?

- I can't even believe you!

- His name is Wally Moore,

age 42,
lives in Sunset Park,

born and raised in
Minneapolis, Minnesota.

He waits tables at the Raven.

- Where did this guy
go to college?

- Boston College.

- Boston College,
that's where I went to school,

- It's got to be the same guy.
- Holy shit.

- What year did he graduate?

- He didn't.
- Why?

- It says he dropped out
his sophomore year.

- What for?

- I don't know. It's strange too,
he had a scholarship.

- You think he would
have graduated.
- What kind of scholarship?

- Music.

Turns out, he had been
a noted saxophonist

from the time he was a child.

He was considered
something of a prodigy.

- A prodigy, really?

- Yeah, he must have
been very good

because he's missing two
fingers on his hand.

- Fuck.

- What?

- I ruined the guy's life.
- Come on, don't say that.

- What's he talking about?

- He cut the guys fingers off.

- Why did you do that?
- It was an accident.

- Oh, well,
that would account for

why he dropped out
of college.

- I fucked his whole life up.

He had dreams of being
the next Charlie Parker.

I severed his dreams,
literally, severed his dreams.

You can't be a saxophone player
with fucking three fingers.

It can't be done.

- Hey, look, remember
that one-armed drummer

from that rock band
back in the 80's?

- Remember that guy?
- Uh-huh.

- What's your point?

- I don't really have one.

How'd you find out all
this information so quickly?

- Are you kidding?

I got half this shit
off his Facebook page.

- Oh, he looks happy.
- He does, doesn't he?

- He doesn't look sad at all.

- Maybe I didn't ruin his life.

- No, I think you
probably ruined his life.

- Why do you say that?

- He likes to go to a
jazz club called Dino's.

- You know the place?
- No.

- Yeah, I know the place.

- Yeah, okay.
Well, go there sometime.

You'll see what
I'm talking about.

He's there almost every night.

[jazz music plays]

♪♪

- What do we do, guys?

- We should follow him.

- What?
- You want to follow him?

- Why would we follow him?

- I don't know, it's just the
first thing I thought of.

It seemed like the
right thing to do.

- That's a dumb idea.
Think things through for once.

- I'm not good at thinking, okay?

The first time I saw that
famous statue by Rodin,

I didn't even
recognize what he was doing.

- Did you see how sad
he looked?

That guys looked
really depressed,

I felt bad for him.

- I did that.
- No, you didn't.

- Yeah, I did.
- It's the music.

- That's why they
call it the blues.

- He could have had
an amazing career.

He could have been
the next Scarlatti.

- Well, he also could have
been the next Kenny G.

Maybe you did the world a favor.

- I like Kenny G.

- I should go talk to him,
maybe.

I should maybe talk to him

and try to make amends,
or something.

- Ron, you should
go to the police.

He's clearly the guy who's been
sending you those body parts

and he's dangerous.

- She right, Ron.

- Right?

What?
What's wrong?

Why are you looking at me
like that?

- I'm just like looking at you.

You're so beautiful.

I can see why Les wanted to
put his dick in your mouth.

- I've gotten my fair share of
hate mail all over the years,

telling me I'm a scumbag,

the scourge of the earth,
the cancer of the airwaves.

But no one's ever sent
me a severed animal head,

until today.

I think it was a cat,

I didn't keep it long enough
to find out.

It was terrifying
in a lot of ways,

knowing that someone went
through the trouble

to send me such a thing.

I'm a little rattled,
I will admit.

But I'm not deterred.

The words I say,
the opinions I take,

the thoughts in my head,
they will not cease.

They will flow from my mouth
like a furious river.

Decapitate all the cats in
Brooklyn if you have to.

Call in ISIS!

I will not be intimidated!

You do not scare me!

- We're looking for
a Mr. Wally Moore.

- That's me.

- Do you have a second?

We would like to just ask
you a couple questions.

- Yeah, I've got a second.
What's up?

- Do you have a place
we can speak privately?

- Yeah, come on in back.

- Thank you, sir.

- So I got something here
for you,

one of my favorite things.

This place has the best
cupcakes in Brooklyn.

So these are Red Velvet,

- and they are to die for.
- Dig in, buddy.

- They are so good.

- Come on, have one, Wycoff.

- You don't eat sugar?
You don't eat sweets?

- Well...

- Don't feel obligated to
eat it if you don't want to.

- Its good, right.
It's delicious, it's amazing.
- Awesome.

- So what's the status?

- We got the DNA samples
back from the body parts.

- Well, that's great.
Who's the victim?

- No idea.

We couldn't track the person.

It's a male, white guy,
that's all we know.

- That could be anybody.

- That's correct, there are a
lot of white people in New York.

- Okay, so now what?
What happens now?

- So, we don't know who it is.

But this is where it gets
especially strange.

- Okay.

- The blood on the foot,
it wasn't real.

- That doesn't make
any sense at all.

- That doesn't make any sense.

- You're saying it's fake blood?

Like fake blood from
like, the fake blood store?

- Tomato sauce.

- Tomato...tomato sauce?

- Marinara.

- Marinara?
Marinara?

Marinara, marinara,
like, the marinara sauce,

- Yeah, marinara, marinara.
Yeah.

- Why would the guy put
marinara sauce on a real foot?

- Why would he do that?
- That, my friend,
is a good question.

- Yeah, and what's the answer?

- I don't have the answer.
The guy's probably nuts.

- Yeah, the guy's probably nuts.

You talked to the guy?

- Which one?

- Wally, the waiter,
the guy I went to college with.

- Yeah, yeah, that guy.
Yeah, we talked to him.

- And?

- He didn't do it.

- You didn't arrest the guy?
- No.

- Why didn't you arrest the guy?

- I just told you,
he didn't do it.

- Of course he did it.

This is the guy,
I'm telling you...

- Look, we interviewed the guy
and he was a really nice guy.

- He's a very nice guy.
- He is, yeah.

- Ted Bundy was a nice guy, okay?

Just because you're nice doesn't
mean you're not capable of

doing really fucked up
crazy morbid up shit.

- Hey, watch the tone.

I got to remember this place.
These cupcakes are awesome.

Have another one.

[jazz piano plays]

♪♪

- What?

Stop!

Police!!!

Somebody stop her!!

[jazz music continues]

♪♪

- She ripped my heart out.
I had no idea it was coming.

Oh, shit!

[dramatic music plays]

♪♪

- We don't understand why
she was in Muslim garb.

- No, this is something
we just can't figure out.

We raised her as
a Greek Orthodox.

- You know, I think that she
just really liked the style.

And she had very
eclectic tastes.

- Too bad it's not
an Irish funeral,

we could go get
fucked up afterwards.

- Oh, that's what they do after
an Irish funeral, right?
- Yeah.

- They all get wasted
and dance around?
- Yeah.

- I've never been
to one of those.

- Hey, listen...I'm going
to have a photo opening

next week and I would
love for you to come.

- Of that's cool, yeah.

You want to go to a
photo show next week?

- Yeah, sure.

- Yeah, what kind of photos?

- It's hardcore porn.

- We have to go now, Les.

I'm sorry we can't ask you
to come to dinner with us

but we only have a
reservation for four.

- No problem.

- You'll come by later and
we'll have some coffee.

- Good,
we have questions to ask.

You take care of yourself.

[intense music continues]

♪♪

- Oh shit.

I forgot to put these
by the grave.

I should go back, maybe.

- I'll put them there for you.
- Would you?

- Yeah, of course.

- Thanks, I'm so exhausted.

I feel like I'm
going to pass out.

- You don't look well.

Have you been
drinking enough water?

- No.

- Here Les, drink this.
I'll be back.

- It was a nice ceremony.

- When the priest kept saying,
"ashes to ashes

and dust to dust,"

all I could think about was how
badly I wanted a cigarette.

- She's in a better place.

- You really think
being in a wooden box,

6 feet under,
is a better place?

- Maybe, if you're agoraphobic.

- I haven't had a cigarette
in 25 years.

- Really?

- You know, a lot of people
started smoking after 9/1 1 .

- Maybe the cigarette
companies were behind it.

- So, have you thought about

where you're going to
scatter the ashes?

- What are you talking about?
We just buried her.

- I knew that.
My head's in the clouds.

- Les, aren't Kate's parents
coming by later?

You want me to help clean
some of this stuff up?

- No, no, it's okay.
It's all right.

- Don't worry about it.
- I don't mind.

- I would be happy to do it.
- Yeah, I can help tidy up, too.

- I could vacuum.
- No, Ron.

- Why don't you go home
and I'll meet you later.

- No, I want to keep
Les company.

He needs us.

- You should go.
It's depressing here.

- Yeah.

- Are you kidding me?

Oh no.

Fuck.

Hong Kong Café closed?

- Oh, yeah, man.

- That was my favorite
restaurant.

- Dude, it was mine too.

But you heard what
happened, right?

- Yeah, I heard.

- Yeah, it was crazy.

That dude ate a
whole severed penis.

- I didn't eat a severed...he
didn't eat a severed penis.

That's not what happened.

- That's not what I heard

'cause I heard he ate
a whole severed penis.

- No, man, you're misinformed.

It didn't happen that way.

He didn't...he didn't...it
didn't happen, so.

- Did you see the
rap video, though?

- Rap video?

- Come on.

You're telling me, you did not see
"Penis in My Chinese Food"?

- "Penis in My Chinese Food"?

- Man, I can't let you leave
without seeing this video.

Dude, this is funny.

- There's a penis in my
Chinese food.

- You put the penis
in my Chinese food.

You put the penis
in my Chinese food.

Oh shit, that ain't good!

- You put the penis
in my Chinese food!

I was hungry so
I made an order...

- That's stupid, man.

That's some lowbrow
stupid shit.

- No, this is funny, man.
- That's not funny.

- This is real comedy.

- It's the reason why the
culture that we have

is in the shitter,
because of stuff like this.

You laughing at it
enables insipid culture.

You should be ashamed
of yourself.

- Yo, dude.
It's just a video.

Lighten the fuck up.

- Who's that?

- I ordered Chinese food.

Keep the change.

- Thanks.

- Should I just throw
this cheese out?

- Just leave it on the counter.

Kate's parents might be hungry.

- Ok, sure.
- Thanks.

- That's such a nice
picture of you two.

- Yeah.

- You two were always smiling.

You looked so happy.

- We weren't.

But, then, who really is?

- I'm not.

- I didn't think I could feel
any emptier.

- I feel exactly the same way.

- Is this where we're
supposed to kiss?

- Do you want to?

- I'm not sure.

- What do you want, Les?
- Another blowjob?

[jazz music plays]

♪♪

- How's it going, man?

- Good.

- Do you mind if I sit down?

- Go for it.

- Thanks.

I know it was you.

[laughing]

- You got me.

- I'm not a good person.

- Yeah, but you've
got a nice cock.

- I guess that's all
that matters.

- So, you got my name
and information

from my credit card, obviously.

- Yep.

- How about the body parts?
Where did you get those?

- I got this buddy
up in Saskatchewan

who works in a morgue.

Sometimes they get bodies
they can't identify, so.

He owed me a favor.

I had him send me
a cooler of parts.

- He didn't ask you why
you needed the body parts?

- Not really.

I just told him I was
working on an art project

about suicide bombers.

- That's interesting.

Are you an artist?

- Not anymore.

[jazz music continues]

♪♪

[doorbell rings]

- That'll be Kate's parents.

I have to go pretend
that I care about them.

- It'll be okay.

[crying]

- Then again, maybe it won't.

- All right,
what about the cops?

How did you handle that?

- That was easy.
I just told them I didn't do it.

- Really?

- Yeah, they were in a hurry
to do something.

They wanted to go to a
café to get cupcakes,

or something?

- Fucking cupcakes?

- Yeah, what's that all about?

- All right, what about
the tomato sauce?

- Tomato sauce?

- Yeah, you put tomato
sauce on the body parts?

- Oh yeah.

- Why did you do that?

- Dramatic effect.
I wanted to scare you.

- Look, body parts alone
are scary, okay?

You didn't need the
tomato sauce, you know.

- When I looked at it,

it felt like it needed something
a little extra, you know?

- Why didn't you use
fake blood?

- Okay, so my grandma is really
into making this marinara sauce

that's an old family recipe.

She makes jars and jars of it
and sends it to me all the time

and I love the stuff,

but I can't eat it because
it gives me heart burn

- and I can't bring myself
to throw it away.
- I got it.

- I don't like to waste.
- I understand.

- Listen, can I ask
you a question?

- Sure.

- After all these years...it
happened such a long time ago.

Why did you do it now?

- Did you ever lose
something you really love?

- No.

- All right.
Well, I'll tell you...

- Actually,
I just lost a friend.

We buried her today.
My God.

She died a couple of days ago.

I liked her.
I loved her.

We were friends.

But my wife...I love her.

If anything happened to her,
I don't know what I'd do.

- I loved the saxophone, Ron.

- I know, man.

Look, I'm sorry, but you
can still play, can't you?

Remember that one-armed drummer
from that band in the eighties

no one listens to anymore?

Remember that guy?
He got in a car accident.

- Def Leppard is not
Charlie Parker, dude.

- That's a totally
different thing.
- I know, I know, okay.

- Look man,
I can't go the rest of my life

inspecting my food.

I can't be terrified
every time I open my mail.

You know, I need some kind
of assurance that we're cool.

- We're cool.
We're cool.

I'm out of body parts, anyway.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- So, a finger, a foot,
and a penis.

That's all your friend sent you?

- Finger, foot and penis.
Yeah.

- Okay.

- That thing with the Chinese
restaurant and the penis.

That video was all over
the internet, man.

It went viral.

- It's not funny, man.
It's not funny.

That restaurant
went out of business.

- Oh, well.
I didn't want that to happen.

- Well, I knew the guy.

He was a really nice guy
and he had a family.

- Well, I'd take that back.

- If I could
take it back, I would.

I would take it back.

- Well, if I could go
back twenty years ago,

I would have never
gone to that frat party,

that's for sure.

- It's good to have closure.

- There's no such thing
as closure, Ron.

- None of us are saints.

None of us are perfect.
we're fallible.

we're vulnerable.

And ultimately, we are
responsible for our actions.

The choices we make,
the things we do,

and yes, the words we say,
they all have an effect,

for better or worse.

I'm aware of this.

For every person I inspire,
there's someone else I piss off.

For every innocent life lost,
there's a thousand saved.

Flowers grow, flowers die.

The earth spins itself
round and round.

None of us know what's
going to happen tomorrow.

Maybe it's not that simple.

Maybe it is.
I don't have the answers.

I'm just one man
talking into a microphone.

- I fucked Les.

- Anyway, it is Tuesday night
and you know what that means.

I want to hear the worst
thing you've ever done.

If you're brave enough
to share your story,

please, give me a call.

Phil, you're on the air.

Worst thing you've ever done?

- I haven't done
my worst thing yet.

- Well, everyone's
done their worst.

Even if it's a white lie,
it's still something.

- I'm going to do my
worst thing soon.

- Oh yeah.
What's that going to be?

- I'm going to kill you.

- Oh.

Is that right?

- You deserve to die.

- Why's that?

- You're an asshole.

- I'm assuming you're the
guy sending me animal parts

in the mail?

Hello?

- You will die tonight.

- All right.

- Can we get a trace
on this call?

[dramatic music plays]

♪♪

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Smells good.

- Yeah, it's a new recipe.

- Awesome.

I want to smell.
Let me smell that.

- Ooh. Hi.
- Hi.

- Hey, you've got a package.

- I do?

- It's from Ron.

- Really?

- How's he doing,
by the way?

- Don't ask.

[screaming]

- Jesus!

- Mr. Welz.
Are you all right?

- I'm good, Christopher.
Thanks for asking.

- How are you?

- I'm fine.

- Did you miss me?

Did any of you all miss me?

Nobody loves Mr. Welz anymore.

- What happened?

- I appreciate you asking

but I really don't
want to get into it.

Do we have something to do?

What are we supposed
to be doing today?

Isn't...something...something...

- Well, our papers on
Alternative Approaches to War

were due today.

[students moan and complain]

They were due.

- "Alternative Approaches to War."
That's right.

Yeah. Okay.

Does anyone want to
read their paper?

Kimberly.
Of course you do.

Kimberly, with all the answers.

Well, you don't
have all the answers.

Put your hand down.
You don't have any answers.

Nobody has any answers, okay.

There's no, there's no,
there's no...

Rain, I want to hear
your paper, actually.

Come up here and
enlighten us with your

alternative approaches to war.

I'm really curious as to
what you think about all this,

you know?

Because I've learned
something, I think.

Which is right,
it is all bullshit.

You were trying to
say that all along

and I think I agree with you.

Because we are just destined to
repeat the mistakes of the past,

you know?

The Byzantine Empire,
The Roman Empire,

The Ottoman Empire,
they all fell

and our empire's
going to fall too.

One day,
it's going to collapse, boom,

just like those towers.

Although they built
another one in its place,

there's still going to be
something missing, you know.

Face it.

We're pretty much fucked!

Anyway, Rain.
Please, read your paper.

Everyone's listening.

[jazz music playing]

♪♪