Original subtitles

What's up? It's comedy.

It's showtime.

It's going to be wonderful.

The Super One plays the ham and it's a regular blast.

Super Dave.

Gary finds love and proposes to Bebe on its Gary Shandling show.

We've got a winner's tale to tell.

That's the punchline. Jonathan Winters and his traveling road show. We've also

got a legitimate hit on our hands. The Stephen Banks Home Entertainment Center.

Brace yourself for some explosive comedy. A dynamite evening with Jimmy

Walker and friends.

That's good. That's good. That's good.

There's only one place you'll find this brand of humor. It's comedy. It's

January. It's Showtime.

Good thing we're having a good time. Hey!

Good thing.

Yeah, it's Showtime.

This is a Showtime After Hours presentation and is intended for mature

audiences. It has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America.

Parents may wish to consider whether children under 17 should view this

picture.

Sing me, sing me a show song. Sing me,

sing me a show song.

That is the only thing I want.

Oh, he had a sudden urge. All at once he had to go swimming.

Thanks a lot, you guys.

Watch it, Steven!

Why doesn't he ever listen?

This time, maybe it's broken. You really think so? All I know is it's sure

painful. Come on, Olympic champion, Amy. We'll take care of you. Okay? Okay.

I think I can hold on to that chalet.

You should be in bed.

Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Maybe it's only a sprain.

I could massage it for you.

Massage it? You're full of good ideas.

In a few minutes, you're going to feel nice and warm. Come here. I just have to

look at you for that.

It's funny how quick your foot got well.

Everything's feeling great.

You kiss as well as Klaus does.

Klaus?

Can't you forget Klaus for one minute? No, I can't. Anyhow, he's your best

friend. You must choose. Is it me or him?

Oh, do I really? Yeah.

Right there. There they are.

Tucked away all nice and snug and alone.

Get out of here. Will you beat it?

There's the injured man. Right up there. To the hospital. On the double.

There's no need for that. Take a look. My foot is fine.

Hey, you better see a doctor about it. Who knows? You may have broken it. One

thing I always say. An ounce of prevention is worth more than a pain in

the neck. Put me down here.

Yeah, that's what they all say. I'll get you for this.

Will you put me down? Take it easy. The sled's right here.

No, listen, listen. My foot, there is nothing wrong. Sure, sure.

I paid you guys $200 yesterday. You forget a lot. No, we didn't forget. Only

Klaus gave us $400.

Okay, you guys, okay.

one up on each other look any price is worth being alone with you only tell me

you didn't really believe his broken foot routine did you oh my foot oh his

broken foot routine got marion bridget erica and one english girl who didn't

even know how to ski and that was only using his right foot

But he's always been like that, Eva. Here today and gone tomorrow. He never

sticks with one girl. It's beyond it. That's just it. Do I know the real

Klaus? Anyway, look, you've got to choose between us. Why? What harm are we

doing? We've always been free, so let's go on like that. Yeah, but now it's got

to stop. We can't go on like this forever.

You have to decide, Eva.

I can't do it. I want you both.

I want you to give it to him, and with my compliments.

Okay.

Clumsy!

Sorry.

My goodness, I don't know what I can say. Come on, I know what we can do.

Come, come.

I'll take care of it.

Small world, Eva.

What brings you here?

Well, it's you doing much dancing. Of course.

Oh, yeah, my foot's much better. Terrific doctor.

Waiting for Klaus?

Yes.

You'll be here sometime.

He won't be back this evening.

Christine, hey!

Where are my pants? I can't be here all night.

Where the hell is she?

That's a disgusting sight.

The younger generation going right down the crapper.

Hey,

where are my trousers, huh? Don't worry.

I have a message for you. It's a surprise.

My darling, I'll be waiting for you in your room. Hurry, Ava.

Ava, she'll be mine.

Wait, only without any pants. How do I get there?

Hey, stop that. What are you doing? My pants.

Hey, come back here, my pants. Come back. You can't do that.

That's a disgusting sight. The older generation going down the crapper.

Hey, Klaus!

Klaus, come here! I can't come now. I got an important date.

I don't know where he went.

He went out.

Didn't you see just a little while ago? Yeah, he took off. Didn't you notice? Of

course. Your little game again.

As far as I'm concerned, forget it, Stephen. It won't work. But he left. I

mean it. Come on. You better see for yourself.

Hey, Stephen, what do I do with the check?

Oh, the check.

Give it to Claus. It's his party.

You. Look, I've got a hot date. Get lost.

Hey, this is my room, too. Don't forget.

Yeah, sure.

Look, I need it now.

Get the idea? Yeah, I got the picture.

But it's still half my room, and I'm entitled to a bird's eye view. I don't

perform in front of spectators. No?

Bashful little guy.

Is that your final word? Get lost.

He's the one who plays games.

I never thought Klaus would do that. What can you expect? Klaus is like that.

He has a twisted mind.

and she believed him. The fight's just getting started. You'll see.

So where are you going to sleep?

Oh, anywhere at all.

In the snow.

In the snow?

Oh, come on.

But no noise.

Mm-hmm.

What do they say, Steven?

What do they say?

Oh, the girls give you high marks, you know, in bed.

You must be fantastic.

I might be exaggerating a little.

Who said I was so fantastic?

Out. Go on.

Okay. I'll be waiting.

Now he's gonna see for sure.

I'm right here.

At last the three of us are all together and everybody gets what they want.

No need for anyone to feel jealous, hmm?

There'd be no objection if you helped a little. What do you want me to do?

Well, for a start, see if you can slice the bread.

Now what's

wrong? Bread knife.

Bread knife.

Would you like me to hold your hand while you slice the bread? Here, try to

work it out. Show an effort, okay?

What are you slicing so thick for? Look at the size of those slices.

You do it.

I'm going back to bed.

Just you and Ava alone? You stay here where I can watch you. You really do

have a suspicious nature.

Only when it comes to you and Ava.

Good morning.

Try not to make a lot of noise, eh?

Everything's ready and waiting. Hey, the mail came.

Look, you got a letter from Hong Kong.

Incredible. Hong Kong?

Who could be writing to me from there?

That's very funny. Ha-ha.

Now's the time. It appears there's one too many around here.

That's right, there is. You might as well face the fact it's obvious.

If you hadn't come last night and ruined my romantic evening, I would have

scored.

You came and everything was ruined. Thanks. Look, maybe you'd be a good

fellow. Go get lost, will you? Hey, you guys, dig this. I think my fairy

godmother's overdone it. What does it say?

Uncle Jack, he died.

Oh. Heart attack. Sorry.

All my condolences.

Thanks.

Of course, I hardly knew Uncle Jack.

He was always running around the world. He let Britta and me everything he

owned. Britta?

Who's Britta? Britta, my cousin, a stewardess.

She called me from Frankfurt just last night. I wonder if I could reach her

there.

Wait a minute.

Hey, do you know Britta?

Who wants to know?

Telephone. In the middle of the night, who would call me this late?

Some girl. I bet she was Eva.

Eva? What's she doing calling me at this hour?

It's mid-afternoon.

Hello, Eva, it's Britta.

What's the matter? I was fast asleep.

What?

Fantastic. What did we inherit much? If you're ready, hold on. We got a taxi

business in Hong Kong and a string of restaurants all over the Philippines.

Not doing too bad, are we?

Don't begin all over again. No, I didn't mean... I was speaking with somebody

else. Wait a minute. Stop pestering Bruno.

Name's Theo.

All right, Theo.

Listen, Captain, where do you think we are? In the cockpit? Okay, we'll

continue operations later.

You know, I've been in 30 countries not out of bed.

Tell me, Eva, know many pilots?

The trouble is, when they're flying, oh, they're so sexy. But then they always

land in the same place.

Oh, I wouldn't know. That's one problem I don't have.

You've had experience. What do you mean, too much?

B-U-N-S. No, they aren't. The men in the

Philippines are quite nice, they say.

Hmm?

Oh, you've flown with those as well? I don't know when there's a plane going

out.

I'll check up on the flights. I won't know for another hour. I'd better call

you from the airport.

Here's an idea.

I can't get to Hong Kong. You check it. Then come and join me in Manila.

I'll wait for you in Manila.

Hotel Tropicana.

Oh, what is this, Bruno?

You're only a steward, not a pilot.

Not precisely.

A chief steward.

Well, as far as I can see, it's a duty. We have to go along. You need

protection. Yeah, right out there, anything might happen.

The Philippines are a dangerous place.

Sultry summer nights, under a palm, on the beach.

How much do you think it costs to buy a ticket?

But the prices, maybe you get to keep the plane, too.

We could get one-way tickets. It's cheaper. And once on the spot, we'll

have lots of money.

We?

Who's this we?

Well, you know, you and I. That makes we, no?

Hey, wait a minute. We is me included.

You? You stay home and mind the chickens.

Mind you?

Can't take him anyplace.

Flying off to the Orient sounds like something out of a film.

What about your job?

Once I get started in our taxi business, I won't need it.

I'll be very happy just giving orders. Eva, don't listen to his nonsense.

There's only one thing he can do in a taxi, and it's in the back seat. And

also, I'm an expert in Chinese dialects. Oh, since when?

Won't take long.

I've bought lessons, Chinese in a weekend. Yeah, but we've still got a

problem. Where's the money?

I'll get the money. You go ahead and make the reservations.

Why, you have some money?

I'll manage.

There ought to be enough for two tickets.

Two tickets?

Maybe you don't realize that I'm coming along.

What? I'm supposed to buy you a passage?

Yeah, that's what you're supposed to do.

Sure, you'll be coming along. You're part of the group, Klaus. We need you.

Like a hole in the head. Only no offense.

You can carry the baggage and work nights to pay me back for the ticket.

Then you won't be in my world.

Come and see how the world works in Hong Kong.

Hong Kong.

Come, come and see how the life there is sweet.

Cry the streets and just everything beats any other old place in the

world.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Get your shopping done, buy it all in one.

Get the best of value for your money.

Get the best of food, tasting like it should.

Brunch your lips to nip the taste of honey.

All right, come, come and see how the world

looks in Hong Kong.

oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah

tiny china man are doing all they can are doing all the

to make you happy please please oh it's money you want what what is it huh that

was small change yeah all i got is small change okay you have a big chunk of our

capital the sunny boy oh i know but he's so sweet

It's our dinner. Yeah, right. Your key, sir.

Wonderful meeting you.

Thank you. Klaus, Stephen, come and look.

It's fabulous.

Not bad.

I'll say. Oh, and when I think that my taxis are racing around and all that,

their meters clicking away, money pouring in, I want to pinch myself to

see if I'm dreaming. We're really happy for you.

Okay, come on. Stop it, you bunch of barbarians. You stop that. You listen to

me. The money, I have none to pay you. But listen.

Two women are coming from Europe any day. They are going to pay you, all of

you.

Hey, listen to this.

We have to go to Hocknow Road. It's right here on the port. Big junks come

in all the time. It'll be easy to find. Are we visiting Hong Kong?

No, that's where the taxi office is, and that's where we're supposed to find Mr.

Kelly. Oh, great.

But there's no hurry. If you want, you can take a bath. That's an idea. I'll

wait till you're through.

No point waiting.

There's room in here.

Enough for two in there? Of course, plenty.

It's fun. There are an awful lot of things you can do, like scrub each

other's back and other things. It's fun, is it?

I think I'm getting the message, Ava.

Oh, did you get it?

Klaus.

Right here.

You know what wise old Confucius said. He said, fortunate is the poor man. Now,

wouldn't you say he's right? I guess he is. Exactly. Good. That's the tip for

the day. Eva.

Hey, Eva.

Come on in. The coat is clear.

Ah,

at last. Something to drink.

I was dying for a drink.

Here.

On the rocks.

What is it? Whiskey.

Oh, I don't much like it.

Get me a fruit juice.

And leave that lecture here. Never. I'm not going. I'm keeping an eye on him.

Oh, I dropped the phone. I don't need it.

It's a rubber duck.

I don't think you're gonna find it

Listen,

where are we all going to sleep tonight? Right here.

Not all three of us.

No, just the two of us.

Stephen will be with the broads in Chinatown improving his linguistics.

What is this? This room's ours. It's not a triple. You go and find your own. But

I've asked. I haven't got any.

Besides, you know what the prices are like.

It's cheaper just to buy the hotel. Well, what's all the fuss about? One of

you can sleep on the floor.

As Confucius say, two's company and any more is a nuisance.

Yeah? Well, Confucius also say, if unwanted Romeo makes a nuisance, fortune

cookie crumbles. And if you like it in plain English, it means you lose. Take

it like a man.

Very true. Only you are the guy he meant, right?

Please, please, money, miss.

What? You again?

Yeah, but it's the last time, huh? You're putting us into the poorhouse.

Oh, he's so cute.

Here. Now you're a millionaire.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hey,

look. Millions of taxes, and they're all ours.

I don't need all these taxes. I'll sell them for one of three. Okay, everything.

Any color you like. You name it.

Hey, pal, we want a complete tour, okay? You take first taxi. I can see we need a

little labor.

I'm the one who gives orders, pal. You got it? I am the boss.

All the taxis. I don't think it'll work.

We need money.

Money. We need money.

Understand? He's not trying. Let it go. As far as I'm concerned, it can wait.

Let's go. Show me Hong Kong. I can get into that.

How the line there is sweet.

Cry the streets and just everything beats any other whole place in the

world.

Ha! Hoo!

Ha!

We're broke. Spend it all and tomorrow we're rich.

Where do we go from here? You name it, Hong Kong is ours tonight.

Let's go someplace that's really far out. You know what I mean? Yeah, so far

out that you won't come back to.

Hello again.

Hey, it's our little friend. Our little golden. Come around for another payment?

Let's get in there before we have nothing left. Oh, he's so cute. He's too

expensive. Maybe you'll make us a price.

How does he find us all?

She got plenty of personality, hmm?

If you're so interested, why don't you go ahead?

Eva, you know you're the only girl I want.

Well, that's exactly what Klaus said.

Klaus has uncontrollable urges. Okay, $50 cash.

But you managed to keep him busy.

Okay? You mustn't only sleep with him.

You've got to immobilize him.

$100, and he will stay with me all night.

Okay.

Here, $100.

Well, no point waiting here. Get started.

Go ahead.

Ah,

you are charming. No, I'm not, I assure you. Oh, I love Manuel, not David.

You're a real lady killer. I must say, I never realized how much charm you had.

Eva, listen, I didn't... Hey, let me out. No, thanks, but no thanks.

Let me out.

Help! Ava, you have to believe me. I had nothing to do with this. You and me,

honey, we have good time, yes? No, you're very nice, but you're making a

big mistake. I'm broke. You're breaking my hand. Honey, it is not the moment.

Cheers. Oh,

darling, do not resist. Wait a minute. I've got a deal for you. It has a

terrible taste, but it feels good once it's inside. Oh, Eva, listen.

Tonight's the night.

That's something we'll see.

We'll see, all right.

On the looks of it, he's good for the night.

Yes. So you got it. My friend is the fellow that you're after. And you must

make him happy. You'll be sure to make him happy. Two hundred dollars. How

much? Just two hundred. Two hundred dollars?

Two hundred dollars. I want you to give him a special party. You make sure he's

out till tomorrow in the morning.

Oh, you're good to me. To whom? To me, Ding Dong.

You're getting started, you see. The female population of China's about four.

I had nothing to do with this. It should be obvious.

Oh, I mean...

Well, you're a nice couple, the two of you. A bit overexcited.

Otherwise... If you don't mind, honey, let's just hold it there. I'm... I know

the night is beginning.

Yes. No.

For your friend, I have very nice sister. Ding-a-ling. Your sister?

Eve, I wanted to tell you this for a long time. Baby, I love you. And you

see, I want to... Me ding-a-ling.

Oh.

For you.

Me, Klaus. You go away. Give me another mouthwash, will you? I might as well

drink. It's all I'm good for.

Hmm.

I'm pretty sure this is a hallucination.

Hey, Steve, wake up.

What?

Hello. How did you sleep?

Okay, only maybe you'd tell us who they are.

Oh, my family.

Your family?

Mm-hmm. My grandfather.

How do you do? My grandmother.

Hi there. My eldest brother, Dingo, and his wife. Dingo.

And Ding-Ding, and her son, Ding-K, and my uncle, Ding-Bat. But why are they all

sitting there?

Because it is a custom.

They are waiting for their presents.

What presents?

What are you talking about?

No questions. You will see. It is a custom. This wasn't in our guidebook.

Wait. You see?

This is for my grandfather.

This is for my grandmother.

Hey, you.

This is for my aunt and for my mother.

This goes to my aunt and my uncle.

And this is for me.

This goes to my sister.

Hey, come on. Have you gone batty? We got no clothes to get out of here. If we

don't hurry up, we'll be late.

You can stay here if you like. We are married.

How's that again?

That's a nice idea. Only we're too young to be married. No, you just got it. It

is the custom.

Here, darling.

It's a present from me.

Hey, look at those two guys over there. See their haircuts?

They don't even have a hair.

What do you think?

They're monks. They shave their heads.

How far do you think it is back to the hotel?

I don't know. Why?

I want to have a bath. I've got an itch. An itch?

You've got a dose, kid.

What? That's what happens, kid, if you don't take precautions.

There's nothing serious about it.

Yeah, only how come you did the same as me and never got it? Ah, that's where

experience pays off, kid. I told you, precautions.

Take the advice of a man of the world.

Tell me, is it beginning to burn yet?

No.

Oh, it's starting. A little bit.

Ah.

Oh, I sure hope it isn't too bad.

No.

Don't worry. A doctor will take care of it. A specialist.

Maybe I haven't got it.

Oh, you've got it. Yeah, you've got it back.

You mean I've got a really bad case? How can you tell?

Symptoms are clear. There's no question about it.

Welcome to Manila.

Hello, Juan. Sir.

Hello. How you doing, Juan? Hello.

My friends, I've got a powerful verse. Me too.

I need a little more than a drink. I know a terrific massage parlor here,

Captain. Care to try it?

No, thanks. Not now. Oh, let yourself go, little Captain. It'll do you good.

Right now, I just want to be able to... Oh, you're teasing us.

Once he decides he won't budge, when do you want to meet? In ten minutes. Okay.

I don't know that. What's your name? How long will you be here?

Long enough to get acquainted.

With a pair like those two, I wouldn't call for any reinforcements.

Tell me, what are they like, the men around here? Well, they're tigers.

They're well-heeled, too.

Yeah, look, that's the way to operate.

Can't miss. That's right.

Ooh, look at that one. A piece of cake. Piece of what?

That's my kind of woman.

Hmm?

Yes, Lamar, more, please.

Lamar's the one you want. Some say he makes 20 girls a night. The man's really

fantastic, Garvey. That's one man I got to meet.

Lamar, come here. Somebody wants to meet you.

Just a minute.

Carrie.

Hello. It's nice to see you.

We were just talking about you.

This is Samar, otherwise known as Mr. Wonderful, and this is Britta. Hello.

Hello.

Don't believe all that Carrie says.

She always exaggerates.

Only half of it would be a lot.

This is your first time in Manila? Yes.

Do you like it? Well, I like it, only I just came in. I really haven't seen much

yet.

I'm sure you're going to like Manila.

May I be your guide?

Another Manila sunrise,

another Manila day, another Manila

morning that's chasing the night away.

Another Manila sunrise,

I'm sailing away today, and now it's time

to leave you.

Sorry that I must leave you to give my love...

Another man in the sunset,

I'm sailing away so soon.

And when it is time to leave you,

I'm sorry I must deceive you, that you were the

moon.

Oh, what are you talking about? Okay, I'll watch. Go ahead.

Hello there.

Where's Britta gone to?

I think she's on to a good thing. Samar took her away. They're walking. I see. I

wonder how long it'll take him to get her. Is he really so good?

Yeah, he has a magic or something.

He's kind of held me in his arms, and that was it.

Ten minutes was the Olympic record.

Okay, I'll start the countdown on my watch.

Let's see if we can beat the record.

Okay, but you better be in training. I'm at the top of my form.

I don't know. Must be a kind of magic these fellows got. I mean it.

Telekinesis. Maybe it'll work.

For ten years I studied with that guru.

I'll show you the best restaurants in Manila. It's not necessary.

It really isn't.

I already own a chain of restaurants all over Manila.

A whole chain?

Oh, more than a hundred restaurants.

I know it sounds ridiculous. You can believe me. It's pretty funny. I'm

inheriting a chain of restaurants, so help me.

Here, restaurants are different than in Europe. I don't say they're top quality

restaurants. I imagine they're probably not palaces.

Have you any idea where this is?

Yes, it's right behind there. Shall I take you?

Can you tell me where the

Paradise restaurants are?

Have a look. Those are your restaurants.

This gypsy camp is my restaurant?

Over a hundred luxury establishments. Uncle Jack put it in his will. What

about that one?

No, that's the competition.

Figures. I think I'm going crazy.

One thing I'll say, they're quaint.

Is that it?

Yes. That's your inheritance.

Thirty-nine kitchens.

Here and on the other side.

Seen one, you've seen them all.

And you call this a restaurant?

Well, here people eat out of doors.

How much do they pay for a meal? Fifty cents?

It varies.

An average about ten cents. I'll be rich in no time.

This is not for me, I guarantee you, and not for Eva.

What could I salvage at a sale?

I mean, what did a new owner pay if I wanted to sacrifice him? What is it

worth?

You wouldn't get a lot if you did

sell it.

All you'd get is enough to stay for about three days in the hotel.

Oh, Uncle Jack.

You played your biggest practical joke ever, and I'll tell you one thing.

I love you for it.

Now,

first

thing is how I know you want to inherit them.

Here, passport and my letter from the lawyer.

What more do you need?

Okay, miss, now you get the business.

Thanks. How many taxis has the firm got?

Taxis? Come and look.

There they are. You go on and count them.

Thirteen. It has been three months since they were last paid.

They're just rickshaws, not taxis at all. Yes, and they're all yours. All she

inherited was a lot of debts.

What do you expect?

Buckingham Palace.

Yeah, but there's always funds. Every business has money in it. Yes, all go to

Philippines. Uncle Jack take everything he make here. He invest in restaurant.

That's what he did.

Yes, it figures. That's my uncle.

I'd like to have my passport and my letters back. I give you back your

letters, but I am keeping your passport till you pay your employees.

I can't pay you.

Look, my friend, I... Stop.

One word from me and they will strangle you. They expect you to pay. You will

not get away alive. Do I tell them?

Don't make a scene. Wait a second. What was it exactly Uncle Jack owed you?

I assure you, miss, I am not a monster.

I don't want to make trouble. I want to get out of here. Just give me a ticket

to Manila.

Okay.

You've made a bargain.

Oh, well, that's that.

Put the taxi meter back to zero. Oh, I'm so disappointed I could cry. But why

think of all of those restaurants? Right, I'll be the manager and you can

peel potatoes. Do you really think it'll be all right? Sure.

I hope the restaurants will work out a bit better. They're bound to be okay,

but how do we get to Manila?

Well, you got anything at all?

Have I got anything?

Yeah, what I'm wearing.

Klaus is our finance minister.

Well, members of the board, I hereby declare, as a matter of fact, we're

busted. A fine thing.

You managed to finish all that money.

You need money?

Here. No, but thank you very much.

You're much too generous, little one.

What I've got is about $300 right? That's exactly what we owe the hotel

Well, we better check out in a hurry then and sleeping. Have you thought of

that? Where are we going to sleep?

Who knows?

Who knows?

Where's he taking us?

A place to sleep. It's quite nice.

I'm going to the consulate tomorrow. After all, they should help. I wouldn't

count on it. No, once we get to Manila, everything will be all right.

It's going to be our night.

You always think of one. I'm always thinking.

This way. Side-sting light. You come, boss. I show.

No, no, no.

My friends.

You drive.

I show, you know?

Okay. Right, come on. Okay, come, boss.

Okay, thank you.

Maybe we'll all be sold as slaves in the market. Who'd bid on you? We can make a

package deal. All three of us.

I wonder if there's some reason that he's helping us. Sure there is. He's in

love with Ava. It's simple. He dodged for his old man.

Oh, then he's in for a surprise.

We'll see you next time.

I see you out of my favorite street.

Tonight is our night, right? When Steve's asleep.

You two really do have one track mind.

Yes, very good. The trick is eating it without looking at it too close.

I wouldn't care if it didn't wiggle.

That proves it's fresh, kid.

Nothing worse than stale sea worms.

They aren't worms, are they? They're sure.

There's a good piece, you see? Here, pick it out.

A piece of dog, that.

Dog, is it? Yeah, of course it is. Oh, let the fellow finish his breakfast.

It has a wonderful taste.

Go on, it won't hurt you.

Oh, I'm not hungry.

I can't eat it.

Oh, sea worms.

Yeah, maybe you would eat it.

If you were starving, you'd eat it.

Even if I were starving, I'd never eat it.

Now, Eva had an idea.

Sell off our camera and my watch.

Oh, shit, my watch.

Those two Chinese girls, I suppose.

I forgot to ask. What about your condition?

You were damn funny. I've been by the doctor's, and he says that it was

nothing at all.

How much do you think I can get for this ring? About?

$100.

$200.

Oh, well, it isn't enough. It won't help.

Wait a minute. I think I can find a way of multiplying it by 10. It'll make us

$2,000.

No more bets?

you can't win, and great opes grow from little acorns.

And suppose we lose?

We've got more to gain than lose.

Come on.

Watch your step, please.

Watch your step, please.

Watch your step, please.

Watch your step, please.

Watch your step, please. You always want to be the center of attention.

Watch your step, please.

Watch your step, please. Watch your step, please. Watch your step, please.

How's that for an entrance?

Come on, kid. There's a fortune waiting for us.

I won. I don't believe it. I won. Yes.

Splendid.

Yeah. It's not a lot.

Yeah. No, we are suckers. Yeah. I'll break the bank.

There's a real nice one here.

Just a second. You play for me till I get back. Okay?

The one over there with the glasses.

Oh.

Yes, he'll do very well indeed. You've done a good job.

Yes.

Bless your beds now.

Your turn, sir.

65-11.

Thank you.

Place your bets, please, ladies and gentlemen.

Place your bets.

No more bets.

No more bets.

Ten.

Even and black.

Blackjack. Gentleman wins.

21 on the red.

I'm in.

Hey.

Okay, but don't lose it, understand?

Okay. God, sir, please.

That jack to the bank. Oh.

No luck? What's the matter?

I can't win a bet.

Oh, I can't complain.

Do you gamble as a profession?

Oh, yeah, I'm doing it for money.

That's too bad, it really is. There are other ways to get money.

How much for the kid?

Kid? I don't understand.

For your friend.

I mean, for Klaus?

Mm-hmm.

$500? I wouldn't do that for any amount.

For any price?

$1,000.

I don't think you got me. I'd never sell him whatever you offer. Why not?

One might at $1,000.

That's true.

If you won't take me in his place, he'd be lousy, really. My friend tends to be

very shy.

$2,000. And if you're not interested, I'll go ask somebody else.

Okay, you got a deal.

I'd better go alone. Klaus is my friend.

That's it. Cleaned out. It was really stupid.

Yep. You're telling me.

My God, Ava. Stephen's got a fortune.

Hey.

Man, you did it. You lucked out.

On one bet, 2,000. So find Kelly and get your passport. We're on our way to

Manila. Oh, you wonderful folks.

Go ahead.

You get your passport and our baggage. We'll meet at the port, okay? Right.

Wait a minute.

Just a second. Why aren't we going along with her? We're invited to a little

party. That's the reason.

We're invited?

It's a... You like surprise parties, Klaus?

Hey, Kung!

Hey, what's wrong?

Did your boat sink?

I want to return Manila.

You're crazy.

You and me are friends.

And Hong Kong's a great city.

No, I'm unhappy here. My parents' Manila. Okay, my friends take care of

it. Come on, they know what to do. Who? My friends!

Looks like they're high class anyway.

Go on, kids. It's your big chance. I'll wait here. I'm still not sure what's

going on.

What is this mystery? What are you playing at? I'm sure that John will like

it. John?

He's for John?

Variety is the spice of life, they say. Nobody ever died of it.

Hello, my friend.

Oh, yes. How do you do?

Well, come on. Let's get acquainted.

Hey, just a second.

Where's the lady?

You like surprises?

Hey, what's going on around here, you ball of fat? I hope I'm misunderstanding

you. But everything was arranged.

If you'd try to make an effort, I know we could be friends.

Hey, Stephen, what the hell did you get us into?

Hey, what is this?

This stinks for a start.

Klaus is bound to be pretty mad.

Forget about your friend Klaus and think about us instead.

We'll show you a good time. Steve! Stephen, help me! Help me, Steve!

No, I better go and help. Excuse me!

impression on him. He likes to make the impression of my fist in his gut.

Sing me, sing me a chanson.

Sing me, sing me a sweet love song. Sing me, sing me a sweet love song. Sing me,

sing me a chanson.

Sing me, sing me a chanson.

Don't hurt me, no.

All these parties are all the same. They get me so excited.

Goodnight.

I enjoyed meeting you more than I can say I do.

Confucius say, mad on back, he must on it go out.

Gotta admit, it makes a change.

Are

you

crazy? At a time like this, you start your Romeo routine? When you gotta go,

you gotta go!

No, no, just a minute. My passport.

What's keeping them?

We were sorry to be late, but... Ten minutes more and we'd have to swim.

But Klaus here gave us a little demonstration.

Are you kidding? Hey, look, kids, we're grateful for what you did. Yeah, you

were great. I mean it. You really were.

You're a good boy.

Now we're off to Manila. Goodbye. Let's go.

Bye. Okay.

Come on, let's go.

Ticket? Nah

It was a real rat race, but I loved it. And as Hong Kong slowly sinks in the

West... Manila, here we come. My goodness, look who's coming aboard.

What?

From now on, call me Kelly.

I have stolen ticket from Mr. Kelly. Call me Kelly.

Well,

Mr. Kelly, we're delighted to have you with us. Thank you.

How's this for a hangout?

Fine, only too rich for us.

Oh, no, it isn't. We own a chain of big restaurants now, don't we?

Hmm, I seem to recall you said that back in Hong Kong. You figure now we'll get

lucky in Manila? Yes, here we're going to get rich.

Oh, yeah?

Really? What do you bet?

Whatever you like. What I want is always the same.

Oh, of course, I know what that is. Either choose. Who is it? Oh, that's

easy.

It's cool, naturally.

Okay, let's get the Hong Kong dust off, huh?

How are you?

It took so long, I thought you weren't coming.

That's Samuel.

Hello. Don't make those evil eyes, will you? I want to hold on to him for

another couple of days. No danger. They watch all the time. Klaus, Stephen, and

Coon.

Well, you have a good crew.

Oh, you think so? How good to know you. Britta's friends are always my friends.

Is this your first time in Manila? Yes.

I'm sure you're going to enjoy your visit.

The first thing I want to see is all those restaurants we own. When I think

that we're going to be rich in this beautiful... Eva, listen.

I know you couldn't wait.

Come on, tell me, what are they like, Britta? How shall I say? They're rather,

uh, unusually, but they're not... Oh, it doesn't matter. Once we get started,

we'll put them right.

Well, and in Hong Kong?

Hong Kong?

Well, it wasn't what we expected. Big zero, yes?

Yes, in fact, but how did you know that? Easy.

One look at our restaurant.

If I understand what you're saying, I rest... I'd take 12 bucks for the whole

chain if I could get it.

Tell me, Samar, she's kidding, isn't she?

I'm sorry.

That's how it is.

It's a catastrophe.

Money isn't the only thing. Yes, but it's all we counted on what we do. Well,

in Manila, enjoy it. No, if only we had some money. We haven't a penny.

Oh, that's great. Eva. I don't know what to do without money. We can't even get

back. I could buy you one-way tickets with my airline once I return to home

base. What till then? You and your friends can be my guests.

He had eyes for you the minute you met him. I saw that. Are you jealous?

No, in fact, it's all over with Samar. Tomorrow we're flying back. You can have

him. Leaving tomorrow?

Yes, at six o'clock.

And the captain has plans for me tonight.

Do you realize?

This has been my 13th assignment as hostess on your crew. I can only say

it's been a real pleasure.

Tell me, what mark do I get for efficiency?

My service has been all right?

Listen, what's the deal? Is it Klaus or Stephen, or is it the two together?

Well, don't laugh, but I haven't decided. Why not?

Just decide which one, one or the other. I just can't, Rita. I really like them

both. Then you're creating a problem.

And for Klaus and Stephen, too. Yeah, and only you can put it right.

I don't know what to do.

I suppose only time will tell.

And when it is time to leave you I'm sorry I must deceive

you Let you alone with the moon

What the hell

are you doing?

I'm sorry, Eva. This is impossible.

I'm going to sleep on the beach.

Now you'll see what you did. You're the one who started it. You're going to

finish it. You're going to take my... Get out of my...

Beautiful in moonlight.

Yes, it's like paradise.

I'd love to live here.

All the time.

Here, all that matters is love.

No, son, love.

No, please don't. Come on.

No, don't. Come on, what's wrong? Please. I just want to bring you

pleasure.

What's wrong with you?

Look, try being tender.

We can't go on like this. I'm sick and tired of your hanging around, you

understand? Okay, now you're going to get it.

Let's go. We know what the winner gets.

Right.

Do you still want to fight?

Lucky punch, that's all. I think so.

I won't even dirty my fist on your face.

You really want to decide it? Whenever you like.

No holds barred for two rounds, winner takes all. You're wrong.

Where do you want your body sent?

You will lose.

You're a jerk.

Let's go. Come on.

Will you please tell me why you want to go exploring in the interior?

A cultural experience. Wouldn't hurt you to learn a little. Oh, I know enough

already. Come here and stay in a hotel. And where will we sleep tonight?

On good old Mother Earth.

What is there to eat?

Berries, insects, worm meat.

Oh, you're making me sick.

You got the camera?

Oh, I forgot it. I'll be right back.

Oh, excuse me. Sorry, baby.

Hey, you got a play screen?

Yeah, you bet. Got one right here.

What's this? He's going with us? He goes alone.

Okay, hang on.

Sorry, baby.

Five

aces.

I win.

Hey, you cheated. You must have cheated to get all those aces. No, I played

fair. She's mine. Got it?

Hey, you two!

Eva's disappeared!

What? Where'd she go? Where is she? Oh, I've no idea. She went with some dope.

And somebody ought to find her. No telling what could happen.

I take off in one hour. I'll send three tickets. Bye.

got a job in a london scene it sure was rough it sure was me

the boss is a man it's plain to see is in every hustle and there

could be suzy ran around night and day living fast

and gambling away fooling herself with a millionaire she

thinks it's love But he don't care.

Diamond rings and stars in her eyes.

One of these days she'd be surprised.

It's tougher than you think in the city.

You better slip away.

You better slip away. You better slip away, Susan.

Slip away, Susan.

Now Susie really thought she had it made For first class expenses

paid Pink champagne and caviar A color TV

in the back of her car Diamond rings, stars in her eyes

But one of these days she'll be surprised It's tougher than you think in

the city You better slip away

Help me out here in the wilds. Aren't you just a little bit scared? I've got

coon to protect me

There's a head man off in there who'd pay 12 goats for a woman like you. What

would you do with all those goats?

Yeah, I guess you're right. But you must admit it's a hell of a deal.

Susie had a heart, a heart of gold.

But she's been hurt now it's stone, stone cold.

Embrace the tears, embrace the tears.

Just painful scars.

You know, that's absolutely ridiculous, Bernie.

Well, I just thought it'd be kind of amusing, that's all. No, that's just

stupid.

I'm homesick.

Homesick? Abandoned, like you don't have a friend in the world.

You want for her? Oh, in a hurry.

You and Klaus and Stephen?

Hey, Eva, what are you so sad about? It's a beautiful day in this paradise.

Let's go and be happy.

It's all right here. All we have to do is reach out and take it.

Here.

I was hoping that there could be a chance.

But then I thought about it, and I realized... Anyway, so long. Where will

I go?

Where will you go? Where else? Back to Klaus and back to Stephen.

Oh, Bernie, you really... Oh, idiot, go on. Go on.

Oh, Murray!

Welcome!

It's tougher than you think in the city. You better slip away.

You better slip away.

You better slip away, Susie.

You better slip away, Susie.

Hasty, look what I caught.

What is it? Don't you know?

It doesn't look like something you can eat.

Look, you better get busy or we're going to starve.

We live on love.

Didn't take you very long to forget what's her name.

I haven't forgotten Ava. I think of her day and night. Only I have to stay in

practice, don't I? Hey, go fishing. Hey, I'm bushed. I've had it. Why don't you

go right to your family? Why don't you catch a fish for dinner? I'm getting

hungry. Come out there, a nice big fish. Go on. I don't know how I get myself

into these situations.

Tell me, you think Brittle ever sent us those tickets?

If you'd like to know, I'm beginning to feel right at home here.

Yeah, only I'm missing home.

Klaus, a girl is what you're missing.

You want a girl? I have a nice big family.

Family, eh?

I've been through that mill.

Thanks a lot. Not after my Hong Kong experience.

You never can tell.

I have many sisters.

They all pretty?

Like you?

Oh, yes.

Be my lover.

Be my lover.

Be my lover.

Be my lover.

Be my lover.

I will love you, love you right.

Be my lover.

Be my lover.

Be my lover, my lover. Are you sure this is the place?

Yes. Where? The hotel?

No, not hotel. Beautiful house. Oh, really?

They're happy.

Ava!

Ava? Didn't I tell you? She's come.

Ava, we'd like to see you.

Ava! Ava!

No, no, no, that's enough now.

We're about to begin dinner. Are you hungry?

These are our neighbors.

Right. I wouldn't say the service is fabulous. Yeah, but the atmosphere is

great. And look at the floor show. The best set up for 10,000 miles in any

direction.

Come on, Coon. We're hungry.

Yeah, I wonder where he's been. Well, some fantastic adventure it always is.

There's something wrong. He looks worried.

Our tickets.

Richard didn't forget. Look, they're all here.

Oh, yeah.

It'll be really nice getting home again. Yeah, maybe we ought to go get things

ready. The flight's probably tomorrow.

It'll be funny back in the big city with the cars and all.

What do you think, Coon? We'll all have to get used to wearing more clothes.

Sounds ridiculous.

Hey, Bob, we don't want to leave all this. I've made my choice.

You see?

Where's the fishing good?

Coming soon, it's showtime. We got him! We got him!

Coming soon, it's showtime.

approach into Las Vegas, you can see the famous strip down below.

By the way, I'm pleased to tell you we have a special celebrity on board.

I hope you had a nice flight, Mr. Hemsley.

Hey, there he is. That's Sherman Hemsley. I love that George Jefferson.

Hey, man.

Hey, you are him. I mean, you are you. I mean, you're you.

You know, you look a lot smaller on TV.

Just keep watching. I grow on you.

So what are you doing in Las Vegas, Mr. Hemsley? I'm hosting a TV show with some

great young comedians. Hey, all right. So when are you doing it?

Right about now.

It's showtime.

From the world-famous Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas, Showtime presents Sherman

Hemsley's Comedy Jackpot.

Kathy Ladman, Mike McDonald, and

Robert Schimmel.

the star of our show, Herman Hemsley.

Thank you and welcome.