Original subtitles

Dear Starla, how are things in solitary?

Is it true that they throw you in the hole naked?

Anxiously awaiting your reply, Bud.

Daddy, I love Lonnie. And I'll die if I can't have him.

Suit yourself. A funeral's cheaper than a wedding.

Dad, don't worry. Kelly can't wait for Lonnie to get out of prison.

I mean, she cheats on a guy if he takes too long in the bathroom.

Good point, son.

Besides, he's a vicious criminal. They probably locked him up for life.

They turned me loose.

They said the prison was too overcrowded.

God forbid prisoners don't have enough legroom.

Oh, look how much he loves her.

The man just got out of prison.

He'd be happy kissing anything without stubble.

Sir, I have come to ask for your daughter's hand.

Is that all?

Yeah, why stop there? No one else does.

Sir, I may not be the smartest man in the world or the most successful...

...but I love your daughter and I would give my life for her.

Deal.

Dad, what are you doing? Get your hands--!

He tried to strangle me.

Well, that's just how we show affection.

Hey, Mom.

Do you see that shade of blue that Dad's turning?

Don't you think that would be a good color for the bridesmaids' dresses?

Actually, I was thinking a little more purple-y.

There, that's it.

Oh, speaking of the wedding, I almost forgot.

Kelly, this is for you.

That is the biggest cubic zirconia I've ever seen.

Genuine cubic zirconia? Oh, Lonnie.

Oh, my God.

You stole my daughter an engagement ring...

...and it's not even a real diamond?

Sir, I love Kelly very much...

...and I promise you, she'll be very happy as Mrs. Lonnie Tot.

Wait a second. Did you say your name was Tot?

I don't know. Did I?

Tot, as in the Tots, owner of Tot Industries...

...maker of Weenie Tots, nature's most perfect food?

Yeah, that's us.

Al, Al. This ring is real.

-Son! -Dad!

Or perhaps you would prefer our platinum elite account?

Now, that requires $100,000 minimum balance...

...but you get free checks and a SaladShooter.

-I love you. -I love you.

-I love you. -I love you.

I love you both.

Kelly. Kelly.

Kelly.

Hey, isn't that Big Bird?

-Where? -Where?

You missed him.

Now, Kelly, honey, on this very special occasion...

...I want you to wear the dress that I wore on the happiest day of my life.

Unfortunately, the football team kept it.

But I do have my wedding dress.

And it is very nice too.

Gee, Mom, it's....

What is it?

Genuine snow leopard. Isn't it stunning?

Peggy, as the wedding coordinator...

...may I suggest something a little less whorish?

Oh, come on, Kelly.

We better go color our wedding invitations.

-Dibs on magenta! -Dibs on magenta!

My God. Their children will be rutabagas.

Yeah, it's possible. Root vegetables run in my family.

Now, about the wedding dinner.

I was thinking an open bar, hors d'oeuvres and six courses.

Yeah, well, Al was thinking a cash bar and a cover charge.

Well, that's what we're planning for his funeral.

Thanks.

I can't believe how cheap they are. They got me a bowl with holes in it.

Honey, don't be silly. That's not a bowl.

It's a hat.

Oh, okay.

Yeah! Thanks.

Kelly, you really shouldn't be wearing that.

Oh, yeah, right. Bad luck, huh?

Anyway, you know, it's so nice of you guys to give me this shower...

...and I wanna give something to you.

My little black book.

Johnny Parker, David Petrocelli, Max Pullman.

Hey, that name sounds familiar.

That's your father.

And Mr. Owens, our chemistry teacher?

Yeah, well, I passed, didn't I?

I love Lonnie so much that it's worth giving up all those guys.

Even page 41.

You know, honey, I never wanted another man after I met your father.

Every time he would look at me, I'd get butterflies in my stomach.

Well, does that still happen?

Well, now it's more like a churning.

But at least something's going on down there.

You guys are still in love, aren't you?

Absolutely.

You know, after 25 years, we may not be as lovey-dovey...

...but at least two times a year...

...your father makes me feel like a teenager all over again.

That's because he has no money and a bad car.

True, but he's still my Prince Charming.

Behold the power of Beercules.

Damn, you've blown a lot of dough, Al.

I've never seen you buy a drink, even for yourself.

Well, when you're part of one of America's wealthiest families...

...it's your responsibility to show a little class.

Hey, Cheez Doodles for everyone, the puffy kind.

No one listens, just like at home.

Some guy must have more money than you.

Who'd have more money than a Tot-in-law?

A Tot in heat.

Hey. What are you doing here?

Dad, I'm here every Friday night. I can't believe I've never seen you.

Oh, well, Friday is full-price night.

But I'm surprised at you, a soon-to-be-married man.

Well, you're here, Dad, and you've been married, what...

...50, 60 years?

At least.

Yeah, but that's my whole point. I've earned it.

See, your future wife deserves more respect.

Well, what about your wife?

That's different. My wife is my wife, and your wife is my daughter.

Get out. Don't let me catch you again.

-But I already paid for a lap dance. -Don't worry, I'll put it to good use.

The sacrifices I make for this family.

Oh, Al, we got a welcome-to-the-family present from the Tots.

Remind me to send them a go-to-hell thank-you card.

There will be no wedding, Peg.

I saw our former future son-in-law tonight at the nudie bar.

He's a dog, Peg.

Al, you go to the nudie bar all the time and you don't cheat on me.

That's right, because I show the nudie bar its due respect.

A man looks, drools, dreams, but does not cheat.

Technically, they're not even married yet.

They're engaged, and that's the same thing.

An engagement ring is circular. It means "out of circulation."

Well, it's all hooked up.

Dad, did you see our gift that our new in-laws sent us?

They're not going to be our in-laws.

You lie.

Your father thinks that Lonnie's cheating on Kelly.

Mom, Dad...

...there's a rumor floating around town that Kelly herself is no longer a virgin.

A rumor that's been a-floating since '79.

I know that Kelly has sown a few wild oats...

...among God knows what other things.

But I cannot knowingly allow my pumpkin...

...to marry a rogue and a scoundrel.

He's not, Dad. He can't be. He's a Tot. Tots are good people.

Would bad people send us a gift like this?

What is it?

It's a big-screen projector, Dad.

Isn't that worth the small sacrifice that we laughingly call Kelly?

No, Bud, your dad's right.

We can't sacrifice our only daughter's happiness, even for a big-screen TV.

Exactly. How big?

It's 10 feet wide, Dad.

Ten feet?

And they sent over a LaserDisc player too...

...with a movie, Dad, a John Wayne movie.

The Duke?

Well, I'm sorry. They're just going to have to send it back.

Let's not lose our heads here, Dad.

Now, do you have any proof of your accusations?

Well, no.

Shame, Dad. Shame, shame, shame.

You know, Bud's right, Al.

Well, I'm not sure.

Let's just ask the Duke.

My Lord in heaven.

Oh, I've seen this one.

This is where the Duke kills a bunch of Indians who are really asking for it.

Hello, family.

Look who's here.

Kelly, I think Dad has something he'd like to say to you.

-What is it, Daddy? -Kelly....

Kelly, go to your room.

All of you, go to your rooms.

Friend of the bride.

Friend of the bride. I think you know where to sit.

Wedding video, Kelly's First Marriage.

Un film de Jefferson D'Arcy.

Yes. Luckily, I have my bazoom lens.

There's the villain of our little story.

Al, I don't see any of my relatives here.

-Didn't you send out the invitations? -Well, of course I did, pookie.

Hey, hey, what do you got there, boy?

Al, Peggy, I'd like you to meet the Tots.

I've just been telling them...

...about the wonderful investment opportunities at Kyoto National Bank.

There's a line to kiss their ass, and it starts behind me.

So while you're back there, why don't you kiss mine too?

Enjoy the wedding.

-Hi. I'm Earl Tot. -And I'm Pearl Tot.

And I'm Al Bundy.

-Who's this pretty little creature? -Where?

This creature. Well, this here's Peg.

You have such a lovely home.

It reminds me of when we started out.

Earl had nothing but 2 pounds of cow lips, a bucket of nitrates and a dream.

You know, that's funny. Al had all that. Except for the dream.

And the bucket.

Well, just being here just brings tears to my eyes.

Al, I told you to close your hamper.

So, Lonnie, tell me again. What does your sister look like?

Well, kind of like her, but with bigger waloobies.

I think we may just be related twice.

Oh, Mama, Daddy, this is Bud.

Remember? He's the one I told you would be perfect for Tatum.

Here's my little sugar bear now.

-Lonnie! -Tatum!

I thought you said she had big waloobies.

Oh, she does. In my family, waloobies is a pet name for butt cheeks.

You're right, Lonnie. He's a cutie-pie.

Now, don't they make a darling couple?

She makes a darling couple all by herself.

Al, if we can get both our kids hitched, I'd have to make you a partner.

Attention, everyone. I would like to announce the engagement of my son.

Damn you, Dad.

Come on, people. We have a wedding to do.

Al, go check on the bride.

And remember, when you walk down the aisle, try to walk upright.

No problem. I only double over when I see you.

Oh, Marcy. I have more butterflies now than I did for my own wedding.

I would have thought you would have been nauseous for your wedding.

Well, I was that too. But that was from morning sickness.

Hey, Peg, you look great. Can I take you out now?

Griff, we have a wedding to go to.

But you can call me tomorrow.

I was talking about taking you to your seat.

Sure.

Now, where is my best man and my maid of honor?

Oh, God! The horror! The horror!

Come back here and let me finish that hickey!

She moves a lot faster since she lost all that weight.

Oh, here. Let me help you with that.

Okay, that's good. Gee, you look very handsome.

Well, thank you, Mrs. D'Arcy. You look handsome too.

-Pretty. -Well, thank you again.

You look pretty too.

Listen, Lonnie.

I want you to know that I wanna be more than just your banker.

I wanna be your friend.

So if you ever need or want anything, I'm available.

Well, that's good, because I gotta tell you...

...there's something about a little bony banker that really turns me on.

What are you, crazy? You're about to get married.

That'll only take about 10 minutes. What are you doing after?

Not you.

Your sister looks beautiful, Bud.

The white dress is a bit of a stretch.

It wouldn't be on me.

No, I think it would be.

Dearly beloved...

...we are gathered together to join this man and woman in holy matrimony.

And if anyone can show just cause why they may not be joined together...

...let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

Okay, that's it. This wedding's off.

Well, good. I still have time to make the Edelstein funeral.

Daddy, you're ruining my wedding.

He's ruining your wedding. How dare you?

How dare he what?

I now have proof that this no-good idiot jailbird...

...while coming from a fine, upstanding weenie family...

...is a two-timing snake.

Hear, hear.

What are you yammering about? Our son has done nothing wrong.

Your boy, madam, who I like to refer to as Dummard...

...is still hitting on good-looking women.

Thanks, Al.

And on top of all that, he just hit on one who looks like a man.

Is that all? Lonnie here is just-- Oh, you know. --fickle.

Sure. Who cares?

Well, I care.

-You do? -Yeah.

Well, now that I think about it, it kind of upset my other wives too.

Your other wives? His other wives?

Yeah, well, I said he was fickle. All of us Tots are.

I've been married five times myself.

And I got a boyfriend.

So that's the kind of lowlife scum you people are.

No respect for the torturous sanctity of marriage.

Well, let me tell you something.

We Bundys may have our faults--

-Oh, yeah. -You said it.

--but we believe that marriage should be forever.

No matter how pitiful or disgusting it may be...

...to wake up to the same horrifying face each day...

...that's what the marriage vows are all about.

And anyone who can't stand the nagging, bonbon-eating heat...

...should stay out of the whining, sex-starved kitchen.

You tell them, Al.

Mom, he just called you fat and whiny.

Well, I just heard the part about staying out of the kitchen.

Lonnie, we do not have to take this. We are Tots.

Gee, I'm sorry, Kelly. Are you sure you don't wanna be a Tot?

You know, I never thought I'd ever say this...

...but right now, I'd rather be a Bundy. So:

Thanks, Dad.

There went my last chance at unlimited wealth. Unless....

I just can't do it.

Are you okay, honey?

Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I'm gonna miss Lonnie...

...but at least I have something that'll always remind me of him.

A $10,000 wedding debt?

No, Daddy, that's yours.

I've got this.

And, of course, my loved ones to console me.

We're here for you, Kel.

Not you.

Them.