Original subtitles

Hey, Ma.

Hey, you guys...

...I think we haven't been paying enough attention to Lucky.

Who's Lucky?

Any guy who goes out on a date with Kelly.

Well, hasn't anyone else noticed that he seems kind of depressed?

Well, what makes you think something like that?

-Now, easy. Easy now. -I'm going, I'm--

-Watch it. -We're gonna have so much fun...

...with this damn thing, Bud.

Watch it. You're gonna nick the side of the box.

You are never gonna get that big, stupid thing in here.

That's what I said when I carried you over the threshold.

Hi, neighbors. Look, we brought you some things to munch--

-Hey. Hey. -Watch it. I'll kill you for that!

Told you we should've used the feed pole.

Well, enjoy. And there's plenty more where that came from.

All you have to do is stay inside the entire weekend, okay?

Why?

Well, my cousin Mandy is coming for a visit.

And how can I put this nicely?

I don't want her to be repulsed by you.

You know, not that you're repulsive.

Enough said.

But, you know, it's been years since I've seen Mandy...

...and we were once very close.

In fact, we're identical.

So she's as obnoxious as you?

Identical cousins. There's no such thing.

Well, sure there is.

Samantha and Serena, Patty and Cathy.

Exactly.

We walk alike, we talk alike Sometimes we even something alike

So there's another one out there exactly like you?

Well, not exactly.

I am a little prettier.

If she's the pretty one, imagine what the cousin looks like.

Do you see I'm trying to eat here?

Watch it now. Watch it now. Watch it.

He fakes, he shoots, he scores! I win again.

Relax, Dad. It's just foosball.

Just foosball, son?

This is the greatest invention ever made.

Edward Foos was a boy with a dream.

A dream to invent a game that everyone can enjoy...

...no matter how out of shape or drunk you are.

The boy's not right, Peg.

I knew that the day we dropped him on his head and he didn't scream.

I knew that the day we dropped him on his head and he didn't scream.

-Hi, I'm Man-- -Nice wig, Marce.

Hey, Peg, look here. The fifth Beatle.

I'm not Marcy. I'm Mandy, Marcy's cousin.

You and Marcy really do look alike.

You think so? I know I'm no supermodel...

...but I never really thought I looked like a chicken.

I like her.

Marcy and Jefferson went to meet you at the airport.

Well, my flight was early, so I took a cab.

-You mind if I wait here? -No, not at all. Not at all.

Of course, here in the Windy City...

...it's customary to tip people who let you into their home.

You must be Al.

Sadly, he must.

Hey, foosball. You any good?

Is your cousin flat-chested?

Oh, score!

I'm ahead.

Lucky shot. That was a lucky shot.

-Now can I play? -Not now, Peg.

Score! I win.

We couldn't find my cousin at--

-Mandy! -Marcy!

-You look great. -So do you.

What are you doing here?

We didn't go out. She came in.

Which reminds me, we're-- We're out of onion dip.

Mandy, this is my Jefferson.

Don't you wish you had one just like him?

You mean there's another one of him too?

Wow, you're even better looking than Marcy said.

Oh, so are you.

Honey, why did you say you were the pretty one?

Come on now. We're right in the middle of a game.

Marcy...

...if you guys are identical, how come she has...?

Implants.

Really?

Not that I like...

...big, luscious breasts.

They just get in the way.

Those pills the vet gave Lucky really have pepped him up.

Don't you think that he's a little bit too hyper?

No. No, he's fine.

Hey, he's burying a bone.

You know, we should give some of those pills to Mom.

I did. How do you think she got off the couch?

-Hey. -Hi. Hi, Peggy.

I got your bonbons.

Guess what. I am making Jefferson his favorite supper tonight.

-Why? -Because if a wife doesn't do it...

...then some other woman might come along and steal him away.

Even someone you least expect, you know, like a cousin.

You know, a cousin that all the boys like best because she's such fun.

Boys like Jimmy Miller, who showed Mandy his baseball cards...

...and played keep away with little Marcy's undershirt.

Marcy, I'm really worried.

Maybe we shouldn't have let Mandy spend the day with Al and Jefferson.

Why, Peggy Bundy.

If I didn't know better, I'd say you were jealous.

What a game.

-What was the final score? -Thirty-seven to 14.

That doesn't sound like a baseball score.

It's not. That's how many beers and hot dogs we had...

...before we decided to pants Jefferson.

Yeah, you kidders.

Luckily, it was Souvenir Towel Day at the ballpark.

Hey, Marce, got you a T-shirt.

-Keep away! -Keep away from Marcy!

Mandy! Mandy! Mandy!

-Mandy! Mandy! -Mandy! Mandy!

You guys are so immature!

Give it back or I'm telling.

Hey, look what Jefferson gave me. He caught a foul ball.

Well, actually, it was a home-run ball, but, you know, no big deal.

He's been trying to catch one of those his whole life. Excuse me.

Al, new deal.

How would you like a nice juicy pot roast for supper?

With those little potatoes?

And biscuits and gravy....

What do I gotta do?

All you have to do is keep Mandy away from Jefferson...

...until she leaves tomorrow.

I can do that.

Mandy, you wanna stay for dinner tonight?

Jefferson and I need a little alone time. Come on, honey.

Wait, you know, I think I'll just stay and hang out with Mandy.

Or I could come now.

Hey, Peg...

...how would you like a pot roast dinner tonight with all the fixings?

-Where are we going? -The kitchen.

I'm not cooking.

I'll do it. I love to cook.

Why can't you be more like Mandy, Peg?

She likes foosball, baseball...

...she likes to cook. She's just like a wife...

...but fun.

So marry her.

How about it, Mandy?

Me and you in Vegas...

...a honeymoon at football fantasy camp.

-It sounds fun, Al, but I'm involved. -Yeah?

-Who's the lucky guy? -Barbara.

Barbara?

Well, that sounds like he might be a little light in the loafers, huh?

Well, actually, she's a little heavy in the construction boots.

She?

Yes. Al, I'm gay.

Gay?

I can see that you're shocked, Al.

Why do you think I went with you to the Jiggly Room?

I thought you were being a good sport.

Why do you think I was blowing kisses to all the strippers?

I thought you were aiming at me and missing.

Did any of them kiss back?

But not Lolla, huh?

Of course not. Lolla's a guy.

-What? What? -Calm down, Al.

That can't be.

How did a thing like this happen to you?

What, did you get stood up for the prom...

...or you went to prison?

I know. It was summer camp, wasn't it?

You sprained a muscle skinny-dipping...

...and the beautiful, blond counselor--

Let's call her Betty.

--carried you back to her cabin and gave you a massage.

And before you knew it...

...you were a love slave in an all-girl sex cult.

Yeah, that's what happened.

You saw that in a video, didn't you, Al?

Yeah. My favorite.

Mine too.

So you don't have a problem with two women being together?

No.

As long as there's a guy watching.

Well, I've told everyone in the family except for Marcy.

-How do you think she's gonna take it? -Are you crazy?

She's done a lot weirder sex stuff than that.

I shouldn't be surprised.

She used to have to pay boys to kiss her.

She still does.

So, Al, has your little friend finally gone home...

...or do you want her to sleep over?

Peg, you don't have to worry about Mandy.

Why? Because you only have eyes for me?

No.

No, Peg...

...Mandy's gay.

-She is? -Yes, Peg.

I'm surprised you couldn't pick it up. I never miss a thing like that.

Gaydar.

Good thing the vet took Lucky off those puppy uppers.

Yesterday he was chasing cars and passing them.

Well, the vet said that the pills were just masking his pain.

I think he's depressed because he's lonely.

So I set up this little date for him.

Kelly, only an idiot would help a dog to date.

I'm Bud. I'll be your waiter this evening.

Hey, Elaine. Hey, Frisky.

Frisky, that's Lucky.

And this is loser.

-Hi, Kelly. -Hi.

Bye, Kelly.

So Frisky and Lucky.

Let's hope that also describes their owners.

I can't believe you went to so much trouble.

I love that you love your dog this much.

We want to do whatever it takes to get our furry little friends together.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'll be more gentle.

That wasn't me. No, I don't make that noise until later.

Lucky, be nice. She's company.

Your dog doesn't like my dog very much.

Sure he does. He's just playing hard to get.

Okay, so she's not your type.

Can't you just close your eyes and pretend she's Lassie?

It's worked for me.

I can't believe how rude your dog is.

Me neither. I'll have him put to sleep.

We'll just play with your dog.

I have a better idea. Why don't you play with yourself?

-Al, get the door. -I'm trying to, Peg.

Well, so much for honesty.

What, she kicked you out?

Well, not right away. First she started screaming...

...and babbling something about an undershirt.

I hate to impose, but can I crash on your couch?

Well, that depends. Won't turn it gay, will it?

-No, I don't think so, Al. -Just checking.

Well, I better get on upstairs.

I trust you're enough of a lady not to whistle...

...at my tight little behind as I go up the stairs.

-Al, I told you, I'm gay. -That may well be...

...but there are some things no woman can resist.

Hey, Mandy, I have a question.

Do you just like certain women?

Or would you sleep with any woman on Earth...

...before you'd sleep with a man?

Well, it depends. Give me a "for instance."

For instance...

...you're on a desert island.

Who would you rather be with, me or Cindy Crawford?

Cindy.

Me...

-...or Phyllis Diller? -Phyllis.

Me...

...or Marge Schott?

You. But the whole time we'd be doing it...

...I'd be thinking of Phyllis Diller.

-Al, get the door. -Yes, my queen.

Oh, Jefferson, what the hell do you want?

A place to sleep.

Hey, wait a minute. What--?

What are you two doing down here together in your pajamas?

I thought you were gay.

I am.

-Does Peggy know about this? -Peggy sent me down here.

You people are...

...sick.

Yes, we are, Jefferson. Sick enough to turn your head into a gravy boat...

...if you don't get out of here.

I can't leave.

Marcy's mad at me just because I called out Mandy's name in bed.

Excuse me.

You know, for a lesbian, you sure spend a lot of time with men.

And what are you doing here in your pajamas?

Oh, I'm sorry, Peggy. Marcy kicked me out.

And she threw away our ball.

Al Bundy, this is all your fault.

-Why is it all my fault? -It just is. Get up.

I want you to go to Marcy's...

...and tell her to get her relatives out of my house.

Oh, that's a good idea, Peg.

Because when I see Marcy in her pajamas, I'll have a seizure.

On my way to the hospital, between the blaring of the sirens...

...and the paramedics yelling "Clear," maybe then I can get some sleep.

Hate Mandy. Hate Mandy. Hate Mandy.

-Hate her. Hate her. Hate her. -Marcy.

What are you doing up here?

Oh, you know me. Can't keep me out of a shrill woman's bedroom.

-Go home. -I'd like to.

But my living room is full of women, men and your cousin.

Why is that, Marcy?

Because I hate Mandy, and I never wanna speak to her again.

That's understandable. No one should have to speak with family.

If I were king, I'd make it a law.

You're the tree-hugging bra-burner around here.

What do you care if she's gay?

I don't hate Mandy because she's gay.

I hate Mandy because everyone likes her better than me!

All our lives, Mandy was the talented one.

Mandy was the popular one.

And the pretty one?

She stole all my boyfriends, and now I've found out...

...she didn't even want them!

Why does everyone like her better than me?

Well, for starters, she never blew her nose in my pyjama top.

I know I'm not perfect, but I do have some good qualities.

Sure, if you say so.

-Name one? -Oh, jeez, I don't know.

Well, you've got a high school diploma...

...and you never let your eyebrows grow together.

Perfect height for a lawn jockey.

Wait a minute. I got it.

I'll bet you're the reasonable one.

-Me? -Yes.

You're big enough and wise enough...

...to sit down with Mandy-- Over here.

--and talk this thing out.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Al.

I am the reasonable one.

-Al? -Yeah?

Are we alone together in my bedroom hugging in the middle of the night?

See you at the All-Star Game.

One more game of foosball?

I'd love to, Al, but Marcy's waiting to take me to the airport.

Oh, yes. And we wouldn't want Mandy to miss her plane.

You know, Peg, I'm really sorry...

...that we didn't get to know one another better.

I think I know enough.

Well, there's one thing you may not know.

-Oh, really? -Yep.

I think you're gorgeous.

Oh, really?

Don't be a stranger.

Remember, she was my friend first.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, guess what. Lucky's not depressed anymore.

Found a little friend in the park.

His name's Spike.

I think they're in love.