Original subtitles

Why are we doing this, Peg?

The last time we had a party, it was a disaster.

It was our wedding.

I rest my case.

Give me one good reason why I should go through with this.

I won't make you have sex for the rest of the month.

Deal.

Just my luck. One month without sex, and it's February.

I'm tacking on two extra days, Peg.

Hi.

I brought shrimp balls.

Well, I can see that, but what's in the bowl?

I always feel so welcome when I come into this house.

Gee, I must be doing something wrong.

Shrimp balls.

Those will go great with the ketchup I'm serving.

Oh, I see someone's been watching Martha Stewart.

-Hi, hi, hi. -Hey, buddy.

Who's your date, Griff?

This is...

..."Nancy."

Okay. Who's up for some Passion?

She takes her clothes off, I'm out of here.

It's a party game, you idiot.

Yeah. It tests how much you know about the person you love the most.

Fair enough. I'll take John Wayne for 20.

What are you doing?

Bud, I have been climbing these stairs for over an hour.

I am not getting any higher.

Kelly, this chick-boxing movie could be your big break. Okay?

-I know. -You gotta stay in shape.

-Look. Let's run some lines, all right? -Yeah.

You're crazy, kid.

No one can beat Big Mama O'Grady.

Yo, Nicky, I know I can take her.

That mother of two is going down.

She'll murder you.

She's a jungle tigress and you're just a pussy cat.

Well, let me tell you something about this cat.

-She has claws. -She has claws.

Skank alert.

That's Heather Talrico.

She's always going after my parts.

I wish she'd go after mine.

Well, well. If it isn't the little bimbo that couldn't.

Well, well. If it isn't the human ThighMaster.

You know what, Bundy? I'd love to shut that black hole you call a mouth.

With what? That planet you call an ass?

Why even bother to show up for this part, Kelly?

You know I'm gonna get it.

I always get everything you want.

Your jobs, your boyfriends.

I could even have him.

Hey, you wanna be my brother?

God, yes.

Drop dead, sicko.

Look, Heather.

I am going to get this role for two reasons.

Number one, I am better at actressing than you are.

And number two, I can box.

Really? You want a piece of me?

There's an exclusive club.

Okay. Just you and me in the ring.

Fine. And the loser, which will be Y-O-U...

...won't try out for the part.

You're on, frat-house toy.

Be here Sunday, 4 sharp.

Oh, wait. I can't.

That's when I get my manicure from Matteo.

-Don't you just love him? -Oh, I know. He's so great.

Make it 3, then.

I'm gonna give you a knuckle salad.

Sandwich.

No, thanks. I'm in training.

Okay. Marcy's favorite song is...

..."You Light Up My Life."

You light up my life, Jefferson.

Oh, look, love bug.

We're about to go from First Kiss to Eternal Bliss.

I'm about to go from "up" to "chuck."

Okay. Griff.

What is Nancy's idea of a perfect romantic evening?

Of course, we just met, so I'm just guessing here.

But I'll say pepperoni pizza, a foot rub and a pile of kung-fu movies.

We're getting our butts kicked.

We're still on First Date Drive.

Okay, Jefferson.

What was Marcy's childhood dream?

My princess wanted to be a princess.

I bet Nancy's dream was to be Mrs. Jimmy "JJ" Walker.

Dy-no-mite!

All right, Al.

Now, use that beer sponge you call a brain.

Well, since "sucking the life out of my husband and leaving him...

...an empty husk" is too long for the card...

...I'll say a cowgirl.

Try again.

A cow?

How many times have I told you?

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a ballerina.

Ballerina?

Well, you sure are my nutcracker.

Al, making fun of your soul mate's childhood dream.

Go back two spaces.

Nice going, Al.

Now we're not even on the board.

All right, buddy. Let's try an easy one.

When is Peg's birthday?

I know this one because it's a month that has a vowel in it.

-How long have they been married? -Hey, one question at a time here.

I'd say M--

March 12th.

April 12th.

Hey, hey, now. For a shot in the dark, that was close.

That's what you say in the bedroom at night. It doesn't work there either.

I can't believe you, Al.

How is it that you know the ninth play of your championship game--?

Forty-two Blast on two.

And yet you don't know my favorite movie...

...my birthday, or the color of my eyes.

Well, we should have got partial credit for bloodshot.

All right, guys.

Guys, we're gonna give you another chance.

All right. Al.

Where did you and Peggy...

...first make love?

Yes!

We're back on the board, Peg.

How could anybody forget that night?

It was so hot.

We were out of control, huh, babe?

I'll never forget that Ping-Pong table in your uncle's rumpus room.

My uncle does not have a Ping-Pong table.

Does he have a rumpus room?

I think Al's remembering the wrong rumpus.

It was on a crate behind the Tastee Freez.

And it was beautiful.

Anyone wanna play Twister?

I can't believe that you'd forget the most romantic night of our lives.

Well, I remember, sweetheart.

And then we shared a Mr. Softy.

Oh, yeah.

And we've been sharing one ever since.

What, Peg?

Good.

Come on. Come on.

Good.

Body blow. Body blow. Go ahead. Come on. Go ahead.

Come on, now. Come on.

Come on, Bundy. That's all you got?

You hit like a girl.

Yeah, well, you pee like one.

That was a temporary medical condition.

-Come on. -Hey.

Hey. Hey, pumpkin, don't box. You can get brain damage.

Oh, yeah, right.

Let me teach you the famous Bundy combo.

Now, you stomp on your opponent's foot.

You hit him with an uppercut.

You mean like this?

Thattagirl.

But next time, put your weight into it.

-Okay. Weight into it. -Bud, quit playing around.

-Okay, I think I got it. I think I got it. -She hurt my nose.

Bingo! Thattagirl!

Well, that was fun, Daddy. Thank you.

-What's in the box? -Oh, it's a present for your mom.

We had a big fight.

I'm in the doghouse.

Oh, Daddy, that's terrible. Where did Lucky sleep?

Look, Sugar Ray Tard.

It's a figure of speech.

No, I actually was in the doghouse.

These Snausages are good too.

See, and look, no tartar.

Peg.

Peg.

Peg, I got you something.

-Oh, Al. -I hope you like it.

See, it matches the couch.

You actually thought that this would fit me?

Yes. No.

Well, maybe. Whatever the right answer is.

Come on, Peg. A guy doesn't know things like this.

Jefferson knows Marcy's dress size.

That's because Jefferson wears them.

Al, you stink.

Peg, I can't help that. It's because of the Snausages.

What else can I do? I know. I'll take you to the movies.

The Great Escape's playing at the Bijou.

No, thank you.

I'd rather be alone.

Gee, for 25 years, I've dreamed of this moment.

How come I'm not happy?

Just like her to ruin this for me too.

Doesn't Al understand?

I just wanna spend more time with him.

Doesn't Peg understand I just wanna be left alone?

You know, and he's been less attentive in bed.

Is that possible?

Oh, Marcy, what should I do?

Leave him.

I'm sorry, I was thinking about what I would do.

Or any sane woman.

Listen, have you thought about seeing someone?

Well, I have had my eye on the UPS guy.

No. I mean you and Al should see a marriage counselor.

Yeah, but then wouldn't I have to tell him about the UPS guy?

Trust me. Going to counseling will open Al up.

Trust me. Going to counseling will shut Peg up.

Come on, Jefferson. Let's go home and leave these two alone to talk...

...or grunt, whichever the case may be.

Thank God we have a normal marriage, huh?

Let's go home and play Fullback and the Tramp.

I'll meet you behind the Tastee Freez.

Sorry.

Where do they come up with this sick stuff?

Al, we need to talk.

Honey, I wanna go to a marriage counselor.

So go.

Al.

Why won't you go to therapy?

Maybe it's you who don't know me. Because if you knew me, Peg...

...you'd know that there are certain things I do not do.

I do not floss.

I do not eat vegetables.

I do not like French pastry. I do not like the French.

I do not cry at movies.

Except, of course, Old Yeller, because we know it was very sad.

But most importantly, Peg...

...I will never, ever, under any circumstances...

...go to a head shrinker.

-But, Al-- -You go, Peg.

There is no threat vicious enough, no torture terrible enough...

...to ever make me change my mind.

Hello, Mom?

Al's being mean to me again.

Could you come stay for a few months?

No, Peg.

Peg, no, Peg.

Peg, no, Peg.

I'll go. I'll go.

Okay. She's all yours, Kelly.

And hopefully, after you beat her brains to mush, she's all mine.

Float like a horsefly, sting like a flea.

No one can touch me, I'm Kelly.

That movie role is mine.

You're going down, street meat.

Let's rock.

-I hate you. Oh, hey. -Watch it, Kel.

Kelly, duck!

Hey. Nobody hits my brother.

At least, not without dating him first.

You know, you fight as bad as you act.

Yeah, well, you fight as bad as Brooke Shields acts.

That's it, Bundy. I'm taking you out.

No, thanks. I already have plans. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

One, two.

The winner and star of Catfight: The Movie...

...the Blond Bomber, Kelly Bundy.

-I'm gonna be a movie star. -Yes.

I can't wait to see my face on the big screen.

I can tell right away this counselor's an idiot, Peg.

Why couldn't we have gone to that guy I saw on TV?

Al, I am not going to a drive-through marriage counselor.

Dr. Back-in-the-Sack looked quite nurturing, Peg.

And they wash your car after every session.

Hi. You must be the Bundys.

I'm Dr. Longo.

Please, won't you sit down?

So how are you today?

Those trick questions won't work on me, doc.

You can probe around in my head all you want.

You ain't gonna find anything in there.

I believe you.

But the whole point of therapy is to discuss our problems.

Oh, no, we're not gonna talk about me.

Well, I'm not the one with a problem.

Okay. Well, then...

...we could talk about my problems.

But I don't think a discussion of my vinyl fetish will help any of us.

Although I might enjoy it.

Okay. I'll talk.

You know, I'm not one to cast blame, but this really is all Al's fault.

He just doesn't pay any attention to me anymore.

Isn't that true, Al?

Al?

Mr. Bundy, I sense a reluctance to communicate here.

Well, that's gonna make your job just a little bit tougher, isn't it, vinyl boy?

Go ahead.

Make me talk.

Well, we have heard Mrs. Bundy complain that you don't pay attention.

So, Mr. Bundy-- Mr. Bundy?

Can I have my balls back?

Welcome to my world, doc.

So other than the obvious...

...what would be your main complaint about your wife?

I don't have any complaints about Peg. Well, maybe just one tiny, little thing.

Oh, great. Now we're gonna hear about how...

...if he hadn't gotten married, he would have been a pro football player.

Well, that's true. I should be retired right now...

...selling my autograph on QVC and addicted to the finest painkillers...

...money can buy.

I gave up a lot too, you know.

I know, down at the docks.

I am referring to the fact that I could have been married...

...to Vito Leonetti and been a successful Mafia wife.

I don't think so, Peg.

Mafia wives have to cook. You think the heads of the Five Families...

...are gonna be sitting around tasting your tuna surprise?

They don't like surprises, Peg.

You know, I'm wearing a vinyl surprise right now...

...and it feels great.

You happy now, Peg?

We just wasted 15 bucks.

That's half a day's wage to listen to this nut job...

...talk about his plastic pants.

Excuse me. They're vinyl.

-Shut up. -Shut up.

Another good choice, Peg. I don't know why I even put up with you.

Well, if I'm so difficult to put up with, why don't you just leave?

Well, maybe I will.

So go.

Walk out that door.

Turn around now, you're not welcome anymore.

I will survive.

This is great.

It sure is. I'm moving out, Peg.

And much like that empty promise to shave those shoulders...

...I'll believe it when I see it.

You'll be wishing you had these shaggy shoulders to cry on, Peg.

Same time next week?

We just broke up.