Original subtitles

VENIAL SIN

Come on, come here! My little treasure?

Come here!

Do you want a little biscuit?

It's good! Come closer!

It's tasty, you know? Here!

Here, come on! Eat up, eat up!

Here. Don't choke on it, now.

Is this held together with wire?

It wouldn't budge, even in an earthquake!

Goddamn...

You little brat!

You got lucky again this time, but I'll get you one day.

Giustino!

At your command!

Just because the service isn't top-notch,

doesn't mean you have to break things.

I didn't break everything! Just a cup.

What a dummy! Even the Good Lord can't do everything in a day!

There has to be a start to everything.

Today it's a cup, tomorrow it'll be everything else.

- What do you want from me? - What do I want?

What are you waiting for to walk that poor beast? For his bladder to pop?

- Why do you think I'm here? - To pollute the air.

- That's all you're good for. - Anyway, between broken cups,

did you have time to shine my shoes? - They're over there.

- Why did you want to break everything? - I swear I didn't mean to!

This crazy woman does nothing but swear! I can't stand her anymore!

I just wanted to break a cup... Uh, no!

You see! You did want to break something!

Besides my spirit, right?

- Filthy thing! - What's the matter?

Your precious little treasure used my shoes as a toilet!

That'll teach you to keep him waiting!

That's why Renzo and Laura didn't call!

Surprise!

Mom, Dad!

Why are you crying? She's not your mother, just the nanny!

I don't see the connection between my breasts and the hair on my face.

You're an ignoramus, I explained it!

The whole body must absorb the cream.

With time, the facial hair will disappear.

- It's a matter of glands. - Trust us.

My father is a doctor.

Guys, isn't it my turn?

Either there's a breast missing, or a guy too many. We have to rotate!

So, get lost.

Me? We can't even watch anymore? Why?

Because you're old and I'm ashamed!

If you don't leave, I swear I'll break everything here!

Go!

- Get out! - No!

- Beat it, you pain in the ass! - Fine! I'm going.

But this is the first time this stuff is forbidden for adults.

- What if I spill the beans? - Mr. Sandro?

- Surely the voice of conscience. - I can stay.

Why now? What does she want from me?

The kid's got it made, he'd already settled right in!

You savage! Now, get your things and out you go!

Yes, yes, fine. Later, later...

See, Sandrino? I'm almost as tanned as you are.

All my things have vanished! As if I were dead!

What's all this?

"Wasted Women," "Hellcats," "Midnight Sex"...

- Fine reading material! - I said I'll deal with it later.

And these cigarettes? Who gave you permission?

Aren't you dumb enough, you have to start smoking too?

- Put them back. - Confiscated. I was out.

- Give them back! - Easy, you're going to get hurt!

There. You got hurt.

It's good, Pinky, isn't it? Eat your dinner, come on!

Dinner's good, isn't it?

- Sir, do you smoke? - Go to hell!

- Will you pass the wine? - What manners!

You're doing it on purpose to ruin his digestion.

- Poor beast! - If only!

There, he's not eating! Pinky, don't pay any attention to him.

If he bothers you again, I'll send him to eat in the kitchen!

Might as well!

Colonel Giustino Bellotto,

of the Defense Department, retired with the rank of General,

is going to eat in the kitchen in his own home. Dammit!

In my house! I inherited it, and I'll do what I want in it!

- Bye, Mom. - Don't go too fast.

Yes, yes!

See ya, lazybones!

Keep Laura company. Without me, she's lost.

Call me when you arrive, otherwise I'll worry.

You'll see, a week goes by fast.

What will I do without my Loulou?

And me without my Louloute?

- Heavens! - What's he doing?

I don't mind you leaving your things here.

But I mind.

The high life is over, huh?

And I have to keep her company too.

- I've got nothing to say to an old lady! - How old is she?

24... 25.

- Maybe even 26! - No way!

Look!

Pretty!

- Hi, Sandro! - Hi. Lino, the lifeguard.

Pleased to meet you. Make yourselves comfortable.

- Would you like anything? - No, thank you.

- If I can be of any help... - Thanks.

Take your time, I'm in no rush.

And here's Mr. Muscle doing his routine!

Every morning, it's the same act. He's just missing the drumroll.

All oiled up and puffed out like a blowhard.

Now he's going to take his natural position.

Which is?

A moron always has his feet where normal people have their brains.

Oh, excuse me!

See you tonight?

What an idiot!

- He's doing alright! - At being a fool!

Bravo!

You big windbag!

Your castle wasn't strong enough!

Excuse me, may I?

Come on in. Anyway, around here...

Thank you. Is this where Mr. Borbotino lives?

No. I'm Borbotiglia...

"A history professor, while studying antiquity,

"discovered in the pyramids the print of a pretty kitten.

"A professor from the city of Lecco, while studying geography,

"left his balls in Africa, along with his rod and his knife."

- "The professor." - What are you reading?

- Nothing, just reviewing history. - Good for you!

What a pain she is!

Tomorrow, we'll need a crane to hoist you out of bed!

Very well, ma'am. Goodnight.

I hate her! Democracy only goes so far.

She'd even peek at us on the toilet, it's too much!

- Leave it, Sandrino, it's Renzo. - Do you have radar or something?

Loulou!

Yes, well, anyway.

Yes, very much.

How was your trip?

Yes, my Loulou.

What are you saying, you naughty boy!

How do you think she feels? She's sad, she misses you.

And how is he?

Tell him it's wrong to leave his little kitten for so long.

Scold him, hit him! But not too hard.

Rascal!

Yes, I'll say hi for him. And you, say hi to him for her.

Will you call me tomorrow night?

- Thank you. - You're welcome!

Hey, Sandro!

Did you see that one?

Gorgeous!

- Hi, Sandro. - You coming?

- I can't. - Where'd you find that babe?

- Knock it off, she's my sister-in-law! - So?

- We can take her with us. - No way, we're staying together.

What if she were your sister-in-law?

Exactly, he'd take her along if she were, and so would I.

- Totally! - See you tonight.

- Bye, Sandro. - Bye.

- Aren't you coming to the Neptune? - I can't.

Ever since she arrived, you don't hang out with us.

What can I do about it?

- Fine. Then, see ya. - Bye.

Cute. Is she your girlfriend?

Who?

You know exactly who.

Her? No, she's a girl from Milan

who's retaking exams in October.

- I'm just giving her a hand. - A hand, huh?

What a busybody!

Come on! They won't wait for us!

- Don't push, idiot! - Then move it, potato-head!

- Your beautiful muscular shoulders! - This body of a goddess!

Is he discovering his body? It's only just begun.

- My love! - "Your arms of steel..."

- "I want to kiss your firm breasts." - Your firm breasts, I want to kiss!

- It's the same thing, right? - "You're driving me crazy!"

- You're driving me crazy! - "Tonight will be unforgettable!"

- Tonight will be unforgettable! - That's for sure!

- Demon! - We're getting to the kitten!

I want to kiss and eat your little kitten!

You want some pussy? Here's some!

- Did you screw a cat? - I slipped in my bathtub.

- Did it have claws? - You're always such a smart-ass!

I was playing Tarzan against Mandrake when I slipped.

- In the bathtub? - No, that was after!

Romulus and Remus were, in seven letters.

Remus... Two, three, four...

- "Idiots"! - Excuse me for bothering you, sir!

You could be a little more polite.

- It's "Twins," miss. - That's very kind, thank you.

Into the water, intellectual!

- Morons! - Is that all you can say?

Assholes!

All muscles and he picks on a kid, this Attila the jerk.

Kaput castle! They broke everything!

- They mostly broke my balls! - Oh, absolutely!

So, you're one of us? I thought you were German.

I'm Italian!

If you understand me, I have to explain something.

You're small and he's a real mountain.

- Do you know David and Goliath? - Not at all.

Doesn't matter. How about the Indochina War?

Of course I know that!

I asked when you were coming.

I closed the door, but I can't exactly shout, they'll hear me.

Kitten is tense.

I said she was tense!

I can't hear a thing. This old radio needs replacing.

At your command! What do you want?

- Dad, can I have some money? - Are you going out every night?

At least in the evening, I can stay with my friends for a bit, right?

I have to stay under the umbrella all day long to watch the treasure.

Do you want this cash or not?

Yes...

- Only 200? - Have the rates gone up?

At your age, I was the one presenting the bill:

"For this fine branch, that'll be 50 lire!"

I didn't get any of that.

The kid seems a bit thick to me.

It's about time he took an interest in girls.

What are you talking about, he's still a child!

♪ A child. At his age, I was already a grandfather.

Illegitimate, but a grandfather!

I already know he won't come...

- Hi, Sandro! - Hi.

Hi!

We're heading out.

- Come on, come with us. - We're going to get an ice cream.

Vanilla.

- I can't. - Oh, what a drag!

Why don't you go? You don't plan on always staying here?

But...

- Go with your friends. - And you?

What about "me"? I don't need you to watch the treasure.

I can watch it all by myself.

Go have fun, don't mind me.

- So, should I go? - Are you still here?

Goodbye!

- Sweetheart! - Honey!

Sweetheart! A week is so long!

Hear that horn? I'm putting in a radio as well.

Don't move!

Single file, like the Brits. Kisses for everyone.

He's so funny!

As long as he doesn't grab my ass too!

Come here.

No sense of humor, that boy. How's it going?

The cabins are locked. They won't let us into the brothel.

- You smoking the whole thing? - What do we do then?

We need to find something else to do.

If I find the library key, my dad has 'Lady Chatterley's Lover.'

I could swipe it and...

... We can grease our salamis and open a butcher shop!

Damn! This is better than the book!

What are you two looking at?

- We gotta go. - Where?

- Looking for pussy. - I'll give you a slap!

Go throw some pussy at your sister instead!

Why not? But I don't have any.

I'd gladly dive right in the middle!

- Of what? - I love threesomes!

- Let's go see the hairy one. - Let go, you're hurting me!

What? Am I weird? To think I didn't believe in that cream.

I prayed to St. Anthony to get rid of it,

but it's you I have to thank.

Thank you.

You too.

- What was that damn cream? - I don't know! Toothpaste!

- What bad luck... - For a change!

Beautiful Irena, sitting on the veranda,

was touching her c... that little itchy spot.

While her neighbor enjoyed the view from afar.

What are those two up to?

Who knows.

- No, Renzo! - Oh, yes!

They're arguing.

No, they're not arguing.

Laura is laughing.

They're actually screwing!

Come back soon, I can't bear being alone.

I packed some meatloaf. You must eat poorly when you're alone.

I can't eat all that! It'll end up in the cats' bowl!

Put the top up, or you'll catch a cold.

- Yes, yes. - Bye! Drive safely!

Yeah right, he's already floorin' it!

The show begins!

You're wonderful.

Exceptional.

You're powerful.

Guys! Help me!

- Help! - What a stench!

It's not sand, it's shit!

Get me to the shower! If I find that bastard...

What you found was a bottomless pit of shit!

He's finally in his natural element.

The shit has returned to the source.

- Come on, beat it! - Poor me! Water!

Well, I'm diving in!

Anyway, you'll float with those muscles of yours!

Were you looking for this?

Thanks!

Is that better?

Thanks!

Thanks!

Sandro, can you undo my top?

Sandro!

Can you rub some on my back?

See, you can be sweet when you want.

- Sandro, will you help me? - With what?

I want to shorten it.

It's still nice, it'd be a shame to toss it.

What's that got to do with me?

I need to redo the hem. I can't do it alone.

Take the needle.

- Like this? - Too long! I'm not a nun!

Like this?

Even shorter. It's just for the beach.

Like this?

No, that's too short.

Sorry, Sandro. I can't quite picture it.

We're the same size. We could...

Come on, make it quick!

Without heels, I didn't realize.

- You know, you have great legs. - Oh, jeez...

- Don't make that face, it suits you. - Stop it or I'm taking it off.

I'll go get some thread and be right back, miss.

Good God!

What a tragedy! My son is a fairy!

It had to happen to me!

Brrr, it's cold! Turn around, I need to change.

Should I leave?

No, I'll be quick.

Coming?

Now that I'm standing at attention...

Stop it, you idiot! At ease, soldier!

"His mortal remains, still and cold,

"bore only the features of death.

"Then suddenly."

Are we going to be here all night?

"His mortal remains, still and cold..."

Sandro, you know you're really talented?

Is this okay?

More than! Now, rinse them off, please.

Sandrino, what are you pouring that on?

Sorry, I was a bit... out of it.

- Can I? - One second, Dad, I'm almost done.

Don't worry, no rush...

Bravo, my compliments.

You have a bright future as a ladies' hairdresser.

Bravo, my compliments.

But Dad!

- Thanks, Sandrino, you're a sweetheart. - You're welcome.

- Can you see them? - What?

The hairs.

No...

The sun bleached them, but they're there. Feel that?

I'm going to wax them, or Renzo won't want me!

You swore! We're at least two miles out!

Boom!

- What are you afraid of? The sea is calm. - Who's afraid?

Good grief...

- Enough, let's head back. - No. You take my place.

- I'm not a great rower. - Who's asking? Turn around.

- Why? - I want to get some sun.

What are you doing?

Renzo wants me tanned everywhere. Are you turning or not?

- Couldn't you have come alone then? - And the gossip?

If I'd gone alone, imagine what they'd say about me.

All those creeps would have taken it as an invitation.

You're still just a kid, you wouldn't understand.

Sandro?

- Don't turn around, okay? - Jeez, why would I do that?

Good boy! I know you're a sweet lad.

Ah, such silence! Such peace!

Peace, my ass.

"The maiden returns from the fields,

"At sunset, with her bundle of grass,

"And clutching in her fingers..."

"A few violets and roses

"To adorn herself, as is her custom."

I'm looking.

What if she tells Renzo later?

He's got a mean punch.

"The maiden returns from the fields,

- "At sunset..." - Sandrino?

I fell asleep!

Sandrino, will you rub some on me?

Sandrino, will you undo my top?

Sandrino, can you see them?

Sandrino, will you rinse me off?

Sandrino, will you undress me?

Go to hell! Get lost!

Dammit...

Come on, beat it!

Shh! Go away! Please, go away!

Goddamn beast! I hope you die of rabies!

Are you going to let me sleep?

- He looks a bit depressed. - He hasn't eaten in a week.

- He's as pale as a ghost! - Give it a rest, Mom.

If you get sick, I'm the one who suffers.

- Probably lovesick. - Mind your own business!

Sighs, kisses, and sweet caresses. But only sighs for him.

Stop it!

As for the kisses and sweet caresses,

if you want something done right, do it yourself, right?

Is something wrong with you, talking like that?

- Is he offended? - You kids!

- I was joking! - Sometimes you just don't get it.

- He's in love with a girl from Milan. - A girl from Milan?

Mom is always the last to know!

To you it's nothing, but to him it's serious.

You mocked him in such a vulgar way!

It's true! You're as vulgar as your father!

Don't get upset! I didn't mean to!

He's been so sweet to me. A total sweetheart.

Go and apologize to him,

or I won't speak to you until you leave.

I don't believe this!

Ah, about time!

Pinky!

I'm sending him your way, dear.

You little bastard, I warned you.

As usual.

Go!

Easy now.

Oh, Pinky!

My little baby!

What did he do to you?

Murderer!

- Stop sulking. - Go to hell.

Later. But for now, stop. I said I was sorry.

- If I'd only known. - Known what?

That it was serious. You never tell me anything!

- What are you talking about? - The Milanese girl. Still waiting?

I've been there, I could give you some pointers.

- It's got nothing to do with her. - No?

- She's just a kid. - So we're talking about an older girl?

- She's not married, is she? - Actually, yes.

You devil!

- It's in the blood. Have you already...? - But...

Wait, you have to tell me everything. Come here.

If you only knew how many husbands I've cuckolded!

With my lessons, you'll have her in a month!

Now you're a husband too. You should be on their side.

Who cares? She's not my wife. How far have you got?

Before you and Laura arrived, this...

This...?

... this lady took me out on a boat,

then out into the deep, alone.

You little rascal!

He's got it all in his head; she probably hasn't even thought of it.

Yeah right, I can tell you she's a real slut.

- All gone. Got a smoke? - No.

She's an artist with that boat story:

"Don't turn around, I fell asleep... you didn't turn around?"

Refined and expert. She puts kids on a grill

to cook them over a slow fire, that bitch!

No cigarettes.

Our poor boy is head over heels.

- Nothing here either. - You sure?

Look at what I'm forced to smoke.

It's clear that sooner or later, she's going to sleep with him,

but she wants to have some fun first. - You think?

Try to find out who it is. Watch them.

When I get back, I'd like to see this woman.

- She probably doesn't even exist. - Come here. These stories, they...

You screw everyone. Admit it!

- Slut! - Yes! Yes!

A real whore! I love getting screwed!

- Oh, how I love it! - Yes, yes!

- Who do you screw? - Everyone! All it takes is a touch!

- It turns me on! - Where? Where?

Everywhere! In cabins, in the street...

- With Mr. Muscle? - He's hung like a horse!

You big slut! And the lifeguard too?

Him too! He came into my cabin and took me.

My God! My God! You slut!

My God! My God! My God!

Did you roll out of bed? Stomach ache? Cat got your tongue?

Not with you, but a bit of advice:

Stay away from my brother. He packs a hell of a punch.

Let's avoid a scene, shall we?

- I haven't done anything to him! - Lino!

- I'll knock him out if he's not happy! - Oh, Lino!

There he is!

Lino!

Good God, it's like being stabbed.

- Morning! - Morning.

Morning?

So my brother is a happy cuckold?

- What was that? - Me? Nothing.

Find that lazy bum Lino. I need a paddleboat,

but he's vanished.

Lowering yourself for a paddleboat?

- That's where we're at... - Where's that?

Nowhere...

My shoes!

- Ready for the ride! - Great, thanks.

Bye!

They disgust me. Both of them.

I bet he even gave you a tip.

You're both scoundrels. Or rather, three perverts!

The sun's gone to your head. You're really...

Damn! My 100 lire!

Obsessed and an idiot.

God, one more week, my love. I can't take it anymore!

Go on, now. That's enough.

Well done!

You could...

make her a uniform that fits, right?

Rather than wasting cash on a new uniform

just so you can ogle her thighs,

I'd rather change the maid's thighs.

Get out, I need to change.

Why? Do like last time. I won't look.

Suit yourself.

What are you doing? Turn around!

- Have you gone mad? - You slut!

How dare you?

Even Renzo says so!

And if your husband says it, it must be true!

Renzo? Are you crazy?

You're screwing everyone! That pig Mr. Muscle,

and even the lifeguard! I heard you!

So why not me? Am I off-limits because I'm a minor?

- You heard us? My God! - And you find that funny?

Instead of sleeping, you spy on us? That's wrong.

Spying? I can hear you both breathing!

Do you think I'm deaf?

Forgive me, I'm sorry.

You see, Sandro...

what you heard, it's a kind of...

game.

Couples...

they make things up like that, to...

spice things up.

I don't know how to explain it.

Anyway, everyone says that kind of stuff.

- You understand. - Yes... I'm not an idiot!

Today was a real drag.

If it's such a bore, why come with us?

- Let's race. - Last one there is it!

Hey, wait for me! Wait!

- You scared me. - I need to talk to you.

Fine.

I have something important to tell you.

Something nice?

- Slut, you're screwing them all! - What's wrong with you?

- You're a total slut! - And you're a total jerk!

You stop me just to say that? I'm not talking to you.

Dummy! You just say that to make it more fun.

Some fun! Go have fun by yourself, then!

Everyone does it, you moron. You really know nothing!

Sandro, I need to talk to you!

It's late!

- I'll be quick. - Okay.

- Sandro. - Yeah?

Is it true you can hear everything from your room?

You'll have to switch rooms.

I can't tell Renzo:

"We're not making love tonight, Sandrino can hear everything."

Or that we can't say those 'naughty' things anymore.

You understand, don't you?

And besides...

Now that I know you can hear everything,

I'm a little embarrassed.

What can I do about it?

So, the great philosopher Kant was right:

better to be a poor rich man than richly poor!

I've got plenty more where that came from!

By the way, boys, I forgot the introductions.

You all know my wife, the Countess?

The sun's really beating down today, huh?

I've got another one. It's great! About cuckolds!

Once upon a time...

- Did I say something wrong? - No, he's always like that.

But he's screaming like a madman!

No luck there!

Oh, the pain! Poor me!

Safe to say you're screwed.

Let's put him in the water.

Curse you all!

You, you're looking for a lover.

And you're looking for two slaps.

It's in the paper:

"Women who love their pets too much

"are unconsciously hiding sexual disorders."

The only animal I love too much is probably you!

And what if instead of reading this pornographic crap...

Edwige!

Good grief...

Edwige, my underwear!

- I'm looking for them. - Unbelievable!

This isn't a house anymore, it's a total brothel!

- Hello? - Sandro? It's Renzo.

I'll get Laura, she's upstairs getting dressed.

No time, I have a business dinner.

- What should I tell her? - That I'm not coming tonight.

Tell her I'm sorry, I couldn't call any sooner.

- It's been a hell of a day. - What?

I'll call her tomorrow to explain everything, okay?

- Should I get her? - No, I'm in a rush!

Give her a kiss for me. Bye, Sandrino!

Darn! I got all dolled up for him.

Do you want to go to a party with me?

- They'll want an old lady like me? - Don't be silly!

I'll finish dressing, I'll be quick.

I'm a little ashamed.

It's the first time I've lied to him since we got married.

I couldn't tell him that...

You know you're even more beautiful?

I remember everything as if it were yesterday.

And yet, it's been an age!

July 1950. What a summer!

What a winter... November '51.

Are you sure?

I suppose so...

that maybe...

Listen...

- Tell me about your wife. - About Laura?

She's the quiet type.

She takes my word as Gospel.

A good girl. Just what I needed, like you said.

So you listened to me.

- Is this it? - About time!

- Isn't this for Mrs. Laura? - You really know nothing!

I thought it was women's underwear.

- What's this? - Underwear.

Can't you wear normal underwear? Like men with balls?

But Dad, it's the fashion! It's French.

It's for fairies, that's what! And don't call me 'Dad'!

I only have sons. Look what I think of your fashion!

Must be high quality.

Are you going to stop?

I really like you a lot.

You know you're hot?

I didn't say anything wrong!

What's he touching?

What are you touching?

And the other one, what's he looking at?

I hope she's at least wearing a bra. Damn me and this party!

- How's it going, Rosy? - Not too bad, and you?

Excuse me...

Hi, Sandro!

Look at that idiot!

Are you still mad at me?

Pretty good. And you?

I meant the other night. But you just pounced on me.

- No, thanks. - 'No, thanks' to what?

No, thanks, I don't want to dance tonight. I have a bit of a headache, sorry.

But...

- Rosy! - What's with Sandro tonight?

He's completely nuts. Want to dance with me?

What an intoxicating perfume...

Did you see her, damn? She came with Sandrino Bellotto.

His sister-in-law, damn! What a knockout, damn!

Two airbags, damn! Takes my breath away, damn!

- Did you dance with her, damn? - Yes, damn! Didn't you?

Yes, damn! And I held her ass the whole time.

What gorgeous buns, damn!

Take it easy! He's jealous of me.

- Want to dance? - No, I want to leave.

- It's not even midnight! - Let's go.

- Alright. - You're leaving already?

Sorry!

"Wonderful lips, wonderful..."

Will you stop that?

You've been weird all night. Does it bother you that I'm singing?

No, but you're parading around and letting everyone touch you!

- Like a whore! - Sandro!

A whore! Don't you think of Renzo, your husband?

If I were him, I'd give you a thrashing!

What are you talking about?

- Leave me alone! - Sandro.

Sandrino...

- You're crying. - Who's crying?

You poor idiot, poor idiot.

Sandrino...

Are you jealous?

My God!

"Dear Renzo, I've betrayed your trust."

"Dear Renzo...

"it happened."

"Renzo...

your wife was mine."

Well...

almost mine.

- Hello? - You're through.

- Renzo Bellotto here. - It's me, Renzo.

- Who is this? I can't understand! - I can't speak loudly!

- Hello? Hello! - I have to tell you something.

Is that you, Sandrino? I can't understand a thing!

- I... - What happened?

I kissed Laura.

You gave her a goodnight kiss and you're calling about that? Good for you.

She wasn't mad about my business dinner?

Business dinner? Goodnight kiss?

I kissed her on the mouth! With tongue!

Ah, your crush! Her name is Laura? T'es with her?

- Laura, your wife! - What woman are you talking about?

- Your wife! - Did you feel her up like I told you?

- I kissed her! - Was she into it?

- At first, yes, then she left. - Don't worry, it's all an act!

She's dying for it! Listen to the voice of experience!

Feel her up, and at the first chance... Bam!

The little soldier attacks below the belt, got it?

Call whenever you want, I'm here.

But not at this hour, or I'll kill you!

- And give Laura a kiss. - That's exactly what I did!

- Go to hell! - And don't sweat it, understand?

Sandrino?

That kid...

I never have any smokes!

Sandro, if you're a man, have the guts to say you don't give a damn about your brother.

I don't give a damn.

Morning, Sandro.

I'm so sleepy!

What a headache! What did you have me drinking last night?

You know, I don't remember a thing about the party.

A total blackout.

What time did we get back?

I didn't do anything naughty, I hope? Once I've had a drink...

- Not coming to the beach? - No, I'm tired. I'm going to sleep.

- Close the door, please. - Sure.

- Hey! - Hey!

How's it going?

- Can I pick a song? - Of course.

- What was up with you last night? - Why?

You were being so weird.

Oh, yeah. Once I've had a drink...

I forget everything.

- Not mad at me anymore? - No, why?

Because of the other night?

No, it was nothing.

You know...

I wanted to tell you that...

Basically, you're...

You're not at all...

I don't know... You're...

I wanted to tell you... Basically, you're...

So what's the plan? Should I call and say we're coming?

A night at a club after a six-hour drive.

Empty again!

- You'll have to do without smokes. - Yeah, right!

- Where are you going? - To swipe some of Sandro's smokes.

Renzo!

Renzo!

Renzo!

Renzo!

Where on earth are you?

What's up?

- I called you. Didn't you hear me? - When?

Just a minute ago. You didn't hear me?

No. What did you want?

Me? Nothing.

You came to tell me you called, but you didn't want anything?

Look at this layabout!

Using tape and everything!

Should I call and say we're coming?

Sure, it'll be a nice change.

Staying here all the time, you'll lose your mind.

Should we invite Sandrino? It'd be mean not to.

- You think he'd have fun with us? - He's not a kid anymore, you know.

Thanks, bro!

- Once it's stiff, I'm telling you! - What does that mean?

I'll tell you later. So he wants to do an experiment.

He tries to pull it with one hand, then the other, with no luck.

He writes in his diary: "I tried with each hand,

"with no luck!"

He tries the experiment again, still with both hands.

This time, he manages it!

- So, he writes... - What are you talking about?

Honey, don't break my... train of thought. I'll tell you later.

Since his experiment worked, he writes in his diary.

Don't you ever laugh? He always looks furious.

He succeeded, so he writes:

"I finally did it, with both my hands!"

- I don't see what's so funny. - It's not over yet, honey!

- Sorry, but what was he pulling? - Such an innocent!

My wife's a saint, she doesn't get the double entendres.

The thing that was stiff...

I can't say it out loud, there's a kid here!

The little birdie, Countess. The little birdie!

- Early bloomer, this kid! - Well, well!

Ah, I get it now!

Has he snapped? He's going to get it!

You treated him like a kid and it offended him.

And he's quite right.

Excuse me.

- He's too spoiled. - It's the new generation.

- My turn. - I'm listening.

So, there's this doctor.

Doctors crack me up! The urologists!

- What's gotten into you? - Just a bunch of jerks at the table.

And clubs are really for major idiots.

Fine, but there was no need to behave like that.

This crap hasn't been funny since I was ten.

Okay, but don't you think you overdid it a bit?

Must be the whisky, you've had a bit too much.

Whisky is kids' stuff.

You know, you're a good dancer.

Sandro.

You can't hear anything from your room. I checked today.

How could you have heard us?

Did you put your ear to the wall?

Promise me you won't do it again. Please.

Enough, I'm tired. Let's go back and sit down.

- I swear... "The little birdie!" - Focus on the road, Renzo!

In front of two ladies! And him still in diapers!

I told you he'd be bored with adults,

and he'd be a pain for us, too. But no!

"He's not a child anymore!"

Some man he is!

Don't crowd me, I'm trying to drive!

- I'm going to run him over! - I don't care! Mow him down!

It's what he deserves!

Damn it, damn it, damn it!

Where did you come from?

I went for a little walk.

Yeah. A little walk.

I was hot. I couldn't sleep.

You were with your crush. Did you finally score?

Get off my back...

Still nothing? What are you waiting for? Military service?

You didn't go play a serenade at three in the morning, did you?

God help us!

If you want, I can always help you out too.

But not now, I'm beat.

I don't know why, but afterwards, I'm always thirsty.

- Honey, what's wrong? - Nothing.

Don't be so sad. I'm not going off to war!

Come on, chin up!

Next week I'm taking some time off so we can be together.

- I love you. - What?

Nothing.

Bye!

You're teaching me to swim.

Want to go for a paddleboat ride?

- Shall we go? - Where to?

I don't know, just around.

Just the two of us.

- You're not teasing me? - No, I'm serious.

- I feel good with you. - Then, okay.

There, you bastard! You're cheating on me?

- And I'm going to kick your ass! - Stop it!

- Son of a bitch! - Don't insult my mother!

Help! He's crazy!

You'll see who Count Zagaria is! You're going to pay!

In your face!

- Help! Stop him! - You like my wife?

- You're going to eat your balls! - No! Not my balls!

- I'm going to eat your muscles! - Please, no!

I didn't do anything! Pity!

- God forgives, I don't! - What's going on?

I think he found out his wife's a bit too into bodybuilding.

More like body-fiddling, yeah!

They won't let her go out just with you?

- Not to the movies. It gets late. - I see.

A girl can do whatever she wants, just not after 11 PM.

- So I have to be the chaperone? - Just to the theater entrance!

- You can go home after. - Oh, thanks!

I get it.

Alright, I'll do you this favor.

If anyone sees you two alone, your parents will blame me.

I'm sorry. Besides, I've already seen this movie.

It doesn't matter. We're happy to have you come with us.

Three tickets.

- Go into the booth. - Can't he go by himself?

No, you're the one who counts.

After you. You're bigger. And American, too.

After you.

- I'll go get a coffee. - No! Into the booth!

Come on, in you go.

There's one for each of you.

Answer into the mic, and speak up.

I need to hear your answer clearly.

Now, you're going to pay...

- Colonel! - At your service!

The Mistress asked if you've walked the dog.

Where on earth are you?

On the balcony, Colonel.

The Mistress told me to tell you that she's gone out.

I like to see people when I talk to them.

I want someone on the balcony, like in Romeo and Juliet!

- I can't reach! - I know, you're not very tall.

Try a little harder... so I can ogle your legs...

- I can't reach, Colonel! Watch out!

In the name of the Father.

It's a warning from heaven.

I swear I won't do anything to that dog ever again.

You don't know if you can come?

Wait a second...

Renzo, I'm really tired of staying with two old folks and a kid!

I can't take it! I'm bored!

Renzo, try to understand.

No, I'll join you tomorrow. I don't care if it's hot!

Yes. Yes.

Alright. Yippee.

Yes, yes...

Bye!

What can I do?

What can I do?

I think I hear a noise on the left. I don't know what it is.

There's nothing.

A car is like a woman. Upkeep costs an arm and a leg!

Want to come up for a drink?

You don't seem into it. You look a bit sad tonight.

I have a heavy feeling here. Must have overdone the gratin.

- You must excuse me. - No need to apologize, Renzino.

Actually, it's nice to see a man happy and in love.

- See, I gave you good advice. - Yes. No.

It's not that...

We've only been married for five months...

That means we'll just wait another five months.

- Thanks, you're so understanding! - Thank you.

For dinner...

and for what you showed me.

- What did you discover? - It's not important. Bye!

Bye!

- Morning, ma'am. - Morning, Edwige.

Are the Mistress and the Colonel still asleep?

They're at church thanking the Lord,

because I was this close to splitting the Colonel's skull.

- And Sandro? Is he awake? - No, he hasn't come down yet.

I'm going shopping. Do you need anything?

No, thanks.

What do you want?

Don't you ever knock?

As if you ever do.

- What were you reading? - None of your business.

Nice title. Is it a gardening manual?

Show me!

- Stop it! Give it back! - Let go!

Give it back!

Let go! Let me see!

"The Mother Superior asked me to lie down beside her

"to keep her warm. She was naked.

"Poor child, she repeated, holding me close."

It was in a friend's library.

"Without realizing it, I found myself lying beneath her.

"Her legs were crossed over my back.

"I felt...

"I felt a strange warmth penetrating my whole body.

"The Mother Superior's hand...

"caressed me slowly.

"Her body moved gently beneath mine.

And mine, just as gently, answered her."

- What trash! - Trash?

- It's a French classic. - A classic, huh?

Give it back.

I'm going to show your father what kind of books you read!

Oh, really?

Will you also tell him how you took it from me?

Sandro!

- Give me back that book. - Enough!

Do you realize how absurd all this is?

- The book. - It's my fault, I let you get away with it.

- The book. - You're not even listening to me.

- Why did you come into my room? - Haven't you figured it out?

- To tell you what I just told you. - That much was obvious!

You can't even be talked to! You're just a stupid kid!

I'm neither a child, nor an idiot.

You're right, I'm sorry.

- Here's your book. Now get out. - You kissed me!

Like a sister.

Did you let me touch you like a sister, too?

I hoped you'd understand. I didn't want to...

Sandrino, please.

I'm saying this for your sake. I'm sorry you're upset.

You're sorry, are you? Liar!

- Bitch! Renzo was right! - I'm calling your father!

Go ahead. They've all gone out.

Renzo!

- Now you'll see! - I don't give a damn!

Will you stop it!

Is anyone home? Laura!

Renzo!

He's coming!

You'll see, I'll have to deal with everything myself.

Leave me alone!

Let go of me!

You're crazy!

Stop!

Bloody hell!

Nice welcome after a 6-hour trip... Laura!

Will you stop?

You pig!

You're reckless!

Do you realize what'll happen if he sees us?

Dirty pig!

Laura!

Laura, for God's sake!

Go on, call him! Come see what your slut of a wife is doing with me!

Laura!

You really don't give a damn about Renzo?

Give him my best regards.

Mom?

Dad?

Is nobody home?

Laura!

He's coming.

Get to your room, quick.

Laura.

I won't say anything to him.

He's not here. Go on.

Laura.

If he touches you again, I'll kill myself.

Don't talk nonsense.

I don't understand!

Laura, are you there?

- Renzo, you're back? - No, I'm still on the road!

Sorry, darling. I didn't hear you over the water.

Finally!

I'm beat. I got up early to get here by now.

Renzo, what if we left? Let's go right now.

Are you joking? I can finally spend two weeks with you,

and you want to put me back in a car to go God knows where?

We've got room and board here, what more do you want?

What's wrong? Are you okay?

What happened?

- Are Mom and Dad mistreating you? - It's nothing.

I just wanted us to be alone for a bit.

We have all winter to be alone.

Our whole lives.

I'm dead tired. I need a bath.

What's this?

Alfred de Musset: "Gamiani, or Two Nights of Excess".

It's a French classic.

- I'll get your bags. - I'll take care of them.

- Is it that time of the month? - For once when I'm not in the mood!

Well, that doesn't suit me! After the scene last night?

"I'm bored, I'm sad, come quickly, I've had enough!"

"Sweetheart is sad!" She's not anymore?

- Keep your voice down, you brute! - Me, a brute?

I bust my ass all week, without a single distraction!

It's not like you lack opportunities.

I must have a halo. I'm Saint Anthony!

Let's do it!

- Leave me alone! - I'll show you!

What is it?

Nothing. Just a draft.

What were those sweet things you were saying earlier?

You sounded like you were talking to someone else.

- It was nothing. - Come on honey, do it again. Come on!

Come on!

You don't believe me? And yet, I'm going to do it.

That'll teach you, and you'll have regrets your whole life.

Yes, you can cry now that it's too late.

Cling desperately to my mortal remains!

Damn, it's cold!

You're calling? But who? Have you repented?

Are you devastated?

I'm dead, there's nothing left to do!

Maybe it's better if I hang myself.

It hasn't even been turned down.

My God, what's happened to my child?

- They haven't kidnapped him, have they? - Kidnap Uncle Scrooge's son?

I knew it would end like this with that little sissy!

He must have run off with the lifeguard. I'll strangle him, I'll disown him!

- What's happening? - My baby hasn't come home!

- Call the police! - Why not the fire department too?

More like the vice squad for that fairy! Not the police!

- Do something, Renzo! - Let's try to keep our cool!

I know where he is. Just like last time.

I caught him coming home at 3 in the morning.

My baby at three in the morning? My God!

- Holy Mother! - Don't you swear!

What was my baby doing out at this hour?

Your baby's grown up. When are you going to realize that?

Are you calling the police or should I?

The police again! Think of that poor man.

Where on earth are you going?

- You really don't understand anything! - Good morning, ma'am!

That poor man?

The lifeguard? Which poor man?

You're talking in riddles. Don't play with my nerves!

Which man are you talking about?

- I'm talking about the husband, right? - Whose husband?

The husband of the woman Sandro is with right now.

A... a real woman? With tits?"

You're not kidding? He's with one of them?

Have you lost your mind?

Lord, I thank you!

You're not going to cry, are you?

This is the best news I've had in my life!

- Lino, have you seen Sandro? - At this hour...

He didn't sleep at home, something bad might have happened.

Give me the cabin key to see if he left his swimsuit.

- Damn key! - We'll look for him later.

Maybe one of his friends saw him!

Yeah, friends... To me, this beach is a real mess.

Sandro!

You little rascal!

You scared me so much!

My child!

You idiot!

Don't ever do that again. Do you never think of others?

Swear it to me.

Swear you won't scare me like that again.

Swear it.

Sandrino, will you rub some on me?

Sandrino, will you undo my top?

Sandrino, is my hair showing?

- Sandrino, will you rinse me off? - Say you love it, you bitch!

Yes! A real whore! I love getting laid!

- I love it so much! - Yes, yes!

Big slut!

- I won't say anything to him. - Sandrino...

- Dear Renzo... - You're jealous.

I betrayed your trust.

Pig! Reckless!

Do you realize what'll happen if he sees us?

Leave me alone!

Let go of me! Renzo's coming!

Lino! Have you seen my wife?

- In the cabin. - Is she putting on her swimsuit or what?

This morning is a real family council.

Have no fear! Sandro is busy copulating!

- Laura? - Yes, Renzo, I'm here.

You didn't answer! Do you feel sick?

I felt a bit faint, but it's passed.

Need help? Mom and Dad are here too.

- Open up, gorgeous, we're wasting time! - Come on, open up!

Everything's cleared up, he's not banging the lifeguard, but a woman!

I'm not decent. I'll be right out.

You sure you're feeling better?

Yes, go on. I'll join you in a minute.

She's fine. Let's think of my baby. Something bad happened to him!

A blessing, more like!

- We'll have to go out and tell him. - Why?

What do you mean, why?

You can't just fly away and vanish like in a fairy tale.

Almost.

I came in through there last night. I didn't have the key.

And I'll go out through there. Right?

That's right.

Let me have a puff?

It must have gone well, I hope he knows what he's doing.

I think so, based on what that little prick told me.

Watch your language, son!

Just look at her.

All disheveled.

And that idiot who maybe spent all this time with a harlot.

Please, Renzo!

What on earth did I do?

- Are you feeling better, dear? - My God! My child!

Sandro, where did you spend the night?

He was only gone one night? Imagine if he were back from America!

Where were you? I was worried sick!

You really don't think of your mother, you wretch!

When you stay out, you tell your family, you little stud!

It's fine, one little slap after 30 years of marriage,

and by mistake, at that.

Some men beat their wives every night!

Let's go.

See? Nothing happened to him.

I hope at least you...

Yes.

Did you do to her what I told you?

Yes!

Blessed be all the saints in heaven!

I knew it!

Everyone's getting laid except me.

Good grief...

We must celebrate the occasion!

After all, it's a kind of birth, a wedding...

Here. And don't say your brother doesn't think of you.

Sandrino, you still love your Mommy a little, right?

He plays with real-life dolls now!

Go on, open it!

A gold cigarette case.

This way, my brother smokes officially and that's that.

He's become a man!

Open it. I wrote you a note. Read it out loud.

Read!

"To Sandro, from Renzo,

"the fateful day he became a man!"

To the health of the ex-little virgin.

How shameful, really!

Laura! Toast to the new male of the house.

Wait! We forgot the most important person.

Who?

The great absent one!

Finally, you're laughing too. One more cuckold is nothing!

I'd pay good money to see his face for just two minutes!

Let's toast to him, too. Come here, Sandro.

"May his horns not weigh too heavy!"

as the poet Ariosto so aptly put it.

Cheers!

THE END