Original subtitles

to Top Gear of the Pops.

Now, as I'm sure you know, Top of the Pops was killed off last year, but they

wanted to bring it back for this comic relief special, and we were given the

job because our name is quite similar.

Yeah, so what we've got in store is, like Top Gear, only half as long. And

instead of cars, there's music. So we've got Supergrass, we've got Travis.

Yeah, and then, at the end, right, the end of the show...

The three of us will be performing as a band for the very first time.

Yes!

We could well set a record as the worst band ever to appear on British

television. Yeah, but that's then, this is now. And we're kicking off tonight

with the latest single from Lethal Bizzle.

It's me for the Misericords. He's back to business.

Fire care.

It's me for the Misericords. It's me for the Misericords.

It's me for the Misericords.

What the fuck is this?

And they haven't got it on at the wrong pace.

You don't want to pay me, sir.

You don't want to pay me, sir. You don't want to pay me, sir. You don't want to

pay me, sir. You don't want to pay me,

sir.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

It's noises like that that killed off Top of the Pops in the first place. No,

it wasn't. It was. They were saying, oh, no one's interested in the charts

anymore. Oh, Fern Cotton's dress isn't safe enough.

Because they kept booking acts like, what's his name, Jizzy Tissue.

Fizzle after that rather truncated first song. What have you got next someone

rolling a barrel of spoons down some stairs?

No It's James May So

liven up the old top of the pops format we've had an idea We're gonna invite a

band on and we're gonna give them a challenge Yeah, we're gonna ask them to

write an entire song from scratch and then perform it at the end of the show

Yeah, and this sort of thing will require excellent songwriting skills,

superb musicianship, so would you please welcome, ladies and gentlemen, Merc Fly!

Hello.

Hello.

You can't be formal with a bat!

Now, this is a chance...

For you to prove that you're not just some useless, manufactured, dopey boy

band.

But we are.

No, you're not. Well, let's find out. Because we know that you knew we were

going to ask you to do this and that you've probably already worked up a

song, haven't you? We haven't at all. No, I promise.

Just to make absolutely sure you can't cheat, and to be honest, to bugger you

up completely, we've invented some rules.

So there are three words that you can't use in writing your song.

And they are love, baby, and heart.

But there's more, because there are three words that you must use. And they

are sofa, administration,

and Hyundai.

You've got until the end of the show, so if I were you, I'd bugger off and get

cracking. Yeah.

Good luck, guys. High on die.

Can't wait for that. And now it's time for the news. We thought what we'd do in

Top Gear with the Pops is blend kind of musical news and motoring news. So, you

know Cars?

Yes. Yes, Jeremy, we know Cars.

Good. Well, you know...

iPods. Why can't you plug an iPod into a car? Well, you can. A Mercedes, you can.

I know you can in a Mercedes, and you can even adjust it on the steering

wheel. But the vast majority of cars that I test, you can't just plug an iPod

in. Now, everybody's got an iPod these days. I haven't.

Everybody under 140 years old has got an iPod these days. They are everywhere.

You've got to remember that the car industry took 50 years to work out that

a little light needed to come on when you opened the door.

So I wouldn't want to depress.

Anyway, okay, right, listen. Can I just make a plea to the makers of iPods? You

know the wire thing, okay?

You fold it up really neatly, put it in your pocket, pull it out, one minute

later, it is a knot so complicated.

I'm right.

I've ended up, you put your iPod on, I get the things, it's just two huge

knots. I know exactly what you mean. It's immaculate, Nick. You pull it out

of your pocket and you'll never undo it. It's got one of your testicles tied up

in it.

Listen, I've got a story here about Coldplay.

And I'm really... I'm sorry, but I don't understand it. Listen to this. Fear not,

however, they haven't gone emo for the follow-up to the Mega X and Y.

What the bloody hell does that mean?

All the time one of the things I thought we could do in the news was talk about

festivals loads coming up this year And I've got some of the lineups from some

of them, so there's Hyde Park calling. They've got Aerosmith possibly the

Rolling Stones V festival Kasabian Fratelli's snow patrol basement jacks

worst band in the world basement jacks V no no no worst band ever ever

Ever to go near a microphone.

I'd like to hose them down with machine gun fire

What do you think of them, James?

I've never had a basement jack.

This is like talking to me dad about music when I was a kid.

I have to say, my dad, my favourite one my dad did, watching Top of the Pops,

what's his name, Billy Idol came on to do White Wedding, and he just looked and

he went, you'd have thought going on telly, you'd have put your shirt on.

That's what you sound like. No, but I have to say, most festivals these days,

I think, are getting a lot better.

I'm going to Glastonbury this year.

Well, what, presumably... Yeah. ..in a Range Rover with a posh Fortnum's

hamper. No.

No, I'm going in a helicopter.

Oh, for crying out loud.

No, we're going to land during the Arctic Monkeys and that'll improve it

for everybody else.

Now, here's a musical figure, Phil Spector, musical name, of course. He's

on trial.

He's going to be going on trial for murdering somebody called Clarkson.

We've all felt like that on occasions, obviously.

But he felt it was a good idea, obviously, to convince the jury that

he's not mental.

So, here's the image he's gone for. Here's the look.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There, they're going to trust you.

I didn't do anything!

Right, no, of course you didn't.

Actually, Jeremy...

Yes, all right. I was thinking of stuff we could talk about. Lists, that's kind

of appropriate, isn't it? Of records and things. I love a list.

Right, well, a subject. You know Hospital Radio?

Yes. Well, I don't, you wouldn't.

Local radio DJing. Well, a DJ started there, it's relevant. Well, I've been

thinking of a list of songs that they can't play on your Hospital Radio.

Number one, the verve, drugs don't work.

That'd be difficult to listen to. What about cutting crew? I could have died in

your arms tonight.

Fergal Sharkey, a good heart, could be sensitive in certain wards. Yeah, for

the transplant ward. A good heart is hard to find.

When you think about it, it's perfect. This is a brilliant idea.

Charts. Top five records for playing... Somewhere.

Yeah, exactly.

Have you seen the new Snow Patrol video?

No. Well, and remember Rendezvous? That French film director, wasn't it? And

he'd got a bit of film left and he bolted the camera to the front of his

Ferrari, blasted through the streets of Paris. We showed it on top, didn't we?

Yeah. Well, they've put their new track over the Rendezvous video. Here it is.

Tell me that you'll open your eyes Tell

me that you'll open your eyes

That is not a bad tune, that. I like it.

Thing is, though, can we just see the original of that? Because I think the

noise in the original's better.

I mean, it's not a bad tune.

It's a good tune. I like it. You can hear the words and everything, but...

Annoyingly, I think you're right. A Ferrari V12 is better than Snow Patrol.

Big trend at the moment old supergroups reforming Genesis the police Van Halen

apparently It's because modern music like jizzy tissue that we had on earlier

Is such rubbish that that's why the old ones know because old farts like you to

keep supporting all these old bands from the old farts at festivals in your

helicopters and that's why they keep going Genesis is better than any modern

band

One of the best drummers in the world and I'm selling England by the pound if

you listen to Firth of fifth the drumming about the old days Singing

on television stop it immediately

Right that is the end of the news and now I'd like to say that it gives me

great pleasure to introduce the next band But since they're performing a new

single we haven't heard yet. Who knows whether it'll be a pleasure or not

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Travis

I've had enough of this parade

I'm thinking of no

words to say

So.

I'll never leave you Just need to get closer

It's time now for the charts from last week. I'm sorry we don't have this

week's charts, but we're recording this live last Sunday. Right, here we go.

At five, it's Frey, How to Save a Life.

At four, Grace Kelly with Micah.

At three, it's Akon featuring The Sweet Escape, performing Gwen Stefani.

And at ma...

Look, I'm sorry, mate. What is it now?

Look, I'll tell you what it is now. The only person who cares how many records

Akon has sold is Akon. All we're bothered about, bearing in mind how

horrible modern music is, how quickly they get the song over with. So I've

come up with a new chart, and here it is. At number three, it's Kellys

featuring someone with a name they weren't christened with and a little

star at three minutes, 14 seconds.

And number two, Grace Kelly, who didn't die in a car accident, as we all

suspected, with Nicker. Three minutes, eight seconds. But the fastest record in

the chart this last week was Cascada of Miracle. Two minutes, 46 seconds.

Yes.

Now, it's back to the music. Our next band, The Drummer.

His dad used to be a presenter on Top Gear about 20 years ago. Chris Goffey,

you may remember him. Anyway, here they are with Ade Edmondson on guitar. Please

welcome Supergrass.

chats.

In order to glam this up visually, okay, the three of us are going to be

providing some special effects for you. So, Hammond, are you ready on the wind?

Yeah, ready.

May, are you ready with the Bonnie Tyler doves?

Yeah, I think so.

Good. I'm on dry ice.

Start your tune.

I got up today, what a day, thanks a million.

Spent too much time wondering why I got an acquaintance.

Trying to get at you. Trying to get at you.

Trying to get at you. Trying to get at you. Trying

to get at you. Trying to get at you.

this is

you

I'm so sorry, chaps.

And what makes it worse is the chicken.

Top Gear Dog has eaten it.

It's a disaster.

But ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for Supergirl!

Excellent.

Now... Earlier on, we asked McFly if they could write a song before the end

of the show, including the words sofa...

administration and Hyundai.

It's time to see how they got on. Who would like to hear the McFly sofa

administration?

Right,

play it.

Here we go. Here we go, ready?

Sofa. Hyundai.

Administration.

Yeah! You said we're manufactured, but God, you got it wrong.

We did the stupid challenge and we wrote this song in half an hour.

Sofa, Hyundai, administration.

So for Hyundai administration, our reputation should lose.

Jeremy's antique, the hamster just squeaks. James is such a geek and I

really want to know who this dick is.

So for Hyundai administration,

our reputation should lose.

Jeremy's antique, the hamster just squeaks James is such a geek, and I

really wanna know Who's the star of Hyundai Administration?

Yeah, who's the star of Hyundai Administration?

A reputation to lose, try to roll the top model My penis glitters when I sing

the top move I'm a little confused, that's why we say The Top Gear

It was brilliant, and now we're going to do something that almost certainly won't

be. Yeah, because we're going to play us out right now.

I'm on bass.

The last time I played one of these, I broke it on the singer, and that was

about 20 years ago, so I might be a bit rusty.

Yeah, and I have to say, my piano that I've got at home doesn't have all these

switches and knobs on it, and I normally use it to play things like Bach and

Beethoven, but Jeremy wants us to do something by a Billy Ocean.

Yes. I decided we're going to do Red Light Spell Danger, because I listened

to it, and apart from a couple of twiddly bits I'm a bit nervous about, I

reckon it's okay for someone who's only had seven lessons.

How hard can it be? Don't say that, please!

Anyway, we do need a lead singer.

Please welcome, ladies and gentlemen, Justin Hawkins!

It's going to be beautiful.

I drop the sticks.

Your hands sometimes crash into each other. What if you didn't have so many

drums? I've got another packet here.

What, is that why you carry them?

Getting through 20 drumsticks a day.

Here we go!

Can't hold out much longer

You took my heart and turned me on But now the danger

sign is on I never thought the day would come When I would feel alone

without you Can't stop running to you

catch me

Sorry everyone.