Original subtitles

I'd not seen a lot of Simon in the past few weeks because he had a new hobby

Spending as much time as was humanly possible munching his girlfriend's face

off Hi, what's going on in here? What the bloody fuck do you think you're

doing? Language Coming to check up on you Check up on me? What are you, like

the Thornton Artsies police?

Hello Tara Hello Miss Scuba Jesus Christ, we're just studying Yeah, but

you don't do biology Is that supposed to be funny?

We'd like you to stick to what we agreed, Simon.

We don't mind you having girls up here, but you've got to leave the door open.

Yeah, so that we don't miss any of the good stuff.

Jesus. Only kidding, Tara, but seriously, you do have to keep the door

open. Yes, fine.

We'll leave you then.

Yep.

Leave you to it. Oh, go away, you sad man.

Simon, won't they come back? They won't.

Shh, they'll hear you. God, I'm just so horny. I know you are.

Look, it feels like we've been going out for ages now.

So I was thinking we should, you know, have sex.

I'm sorry?

I'm ready. I mean, we love each other, right?

Yeah. So I was trying to work out where.

Where we could be alone, away from our parents and everyone.

Down the bottom of the garden.

What? There are some bushes down the bottom of my garden. We could do it

there. I'm pretty sure you can't be seen from the house.

Simon, I'm not having sex in your garden.

What about in my car?

No. I know it's not perfect, but I think we both need to compromise, yeah?

Yeah? Look, my sister is at Warwick Uni. It's not too far and she's always saying

I should go and visit.

I've told her I'm coming up with you for the weekend.

Right, great.

Why? So we can have lovely sex together. This weekend?

Yep. Lovely.

That would be lovely.

The sex.

You do want to make love to me, don't you?

Yeah. Well, tell me then.

Talk to me to get me in the mood. I like imagining things.

Um, is this like dirty talk?

Yes, Simon. Just try it. It's naughty.

OK. Um, well, I'd like to kiss your...

boobs oh good see i like that okay well god my

penis is really hard for you and what are you gonna do to me i'm gonna fuck

your fucking fanny off you twat um okay

oh god fuck off open that door simon

has hit the jackpot A girl who still wanted to have sex with him, even after

getting to know him. Which meant I got to spend some quality time with Jay and

Neil.

Low quality time.

Oi, Neil.

Did you hear about Chris Wharton from the paper shop? Nah, what? He was

mucking about up the wreck, got his head wedged in the bottle bank, got stuck

there all night. By the time someone found him in the morning, he'd been arse

-raped 18 times.

Oh, mate, that's grim.

I have a few questions.

Like what? Well, one, why was he sticking his head in the bottle bank?

Looking for bottles you mug.

OK. Number two, what you're saying is the first 18 people to have discovered

him in this state just happened to be opportunistic homosexual rapists. Looks

like it.

Hey, where was your dad last night, Neil?

Badminton. Why?

Of course he was.

And finally, why, after what was at best a humiliating evening, would he as the

victim tell anyone, let alone you, about it?

I used to sit next to him in woodwork. Of course. Well, thanks for clearing

that up. Much as I'm enjoying our morning chats, I can't help wishing

Simon was around more.

Who?

Simon. Oh, you can forget about him, mate. He's probably off with his

girlfriend. Yeah, as per usual.

Girlfriend. Yeah, he's all like, Oh, everyone, look at me. I've got a

girlfriend and I love going round her house and listening to her shit music

and laughing at her shit jokes and pretending that she's fit when she's not

even really that fit.

Who's not that fit?

Your mum.

Nice. She isn't, though. You can say what you like because guess who's going

to get laid this weekend?

I don't know. Is it someone famous?

It's me, Neil. Well, don't say before I've guessed.

Not really.

Really? Shit, that's amazing.

With Tara.

We're going to our sister's house in Warwick. Oh, it's going to be brilliant.

This is a big deal.

A very big deal. I know. You got your plan of action all sorted, then? You

know, for the shagging? The what?

No. The what? Oh, shit.

Oh, fucking hell. Good luck, then.

I don't need a plan.

Uh-oh.

Oh, mate, you're in serious trouble.

Of course you need a plan.

Bloke I knew didn't have a plan on his first time. Went in too quick, broke his

knob in half.

Bollocks. You don't need a plan.

I didn't have a plan with Charlotte.

Oh, right, and how did that go?

I pogoed on her stomach for five seconds, she asked me to leave and I'm

still a virgin. That's not the point. No offence, Robert, I really don't want any

sexual advice from you. I have taken some offence.

It'll be fine, I'll be OK.

I just need to get some condoms, that's all.

Oh, for fuck's sake, don't wear a Johnny. It's a guaranteed hard-on

killer. That's why they call it safe sex, cos you can't get it up. Well, that

isn't the reason.

Look, if you have to bag it up, at least get her to put it on for you. That way

you might get a few more seconds of wood.

Really? Does that work?

Yeah, get her to pop it on with her mouth.

Oh, mouth's a good idea.

Or arsehole.

What? Sometimes I like to get them to put it on with their bum. Back into it.

I don't know if I can ask her that. It's her first time too.

Yeah, it's probably a bit specialist.

But you're going to have to do something if you want to stay hard.

Oh, God, this is a nightmare.

Should I write this down?

These are the basics, mate.

If you want, me and Neil can come along, talk you through it beforehand.

Make sure you don't embarrass yourself.

Really?

What about a minge, Jay? You never even mentioned that.

Oh, we've not even started on the minge.

Now, the minge has two main parts.

The flaps and the clitty. What about the hole?

All right, three.

It's mainly all about the clitty. Oh, God!

Jay's encyclopaedic sex tips continued all day, from analingus to a zookeeper

he once fucked. And as we walked home, he had even more good news for Simon.

Right, so I made a few calls, moved some stuff around, some good news.

Me and Neil can come with you to help out. That's going to look weird, isn't

it? It'll look weird when you try and fuck her in the ear because she doesn't

know what you're doing. And what am I going to tell Tara when she asks why

you're there?

Oh, I don't know, just tell her we're your mates and have known you longer

than she has and to shut her fucking whining.

And you could mention I've got a lot of fingering experience.

Fine, God, all right.

Nice one.

And then, while you're finally putting your knob to good use, me and Neil will

be tapping up the campus clunge.

Won't university be a bit boring, though, just like a load of wheels

hanging around?

No! Everyone knows it's where posh birds go to set their gash free.

Nice. Oh, and, Si, as we're doing you a favour, I'm not paying petrol money.

Fine, whatever.

I'll pick you up at one.

Cool. See you tomorrow, then.

Well, you're definitely not coming.

But... Well, it's one of my choices, so... So what? Go to the open day. Don't

come with me when I'm trying to get laid.

All right, look, the truth is, I don't want to be left out.

I get lonely.

Oh, for fuck's sake. All right, I'll see you tomorrow, then.

So Simon whisked Tara away for their romantic weekend.

And it's fair to say it wasn't exactly as she'd imagined it.

I bet you've never had a boyfriend with a car this embarrassing, eh, Tara?

Actually, I like Simon's car.

It's so tragic. At least I know he's not out picking up girls in it.

Oh, Christ, she's done you.

Oh, I've picked up girls before in this. No, you haven't. Yeah, I have. And did

you make these girls sit in the back, too, cos you made good shotgun?

It's the rules.

It is the rules, Tara.

Can you slow down a bit, at least, Simon? OK, Tara, sorry.

You really don't fucking 65.

I get car sick, especially in the back.

There's no rush. Let's enjoy the drive.

Yes, this really is one of the more beautiful stretches of anonymous British

motorway. It's not Tara's fault she gets car sick. I can speak for myself, Simon.

Jay, shut up.

Ow, something hard's digging into my leg.

Don't look at me, although it could reach from here.

Shit, what is this?

Oh, that's mine.

Why are you taking a four-litre bottle of orangeade?

Warrick. I like it. Being a good guest, bring a bottle in that.

Bring a bottle means alcohol, Neil. Nah, everyone likes orangeade. You make

cocktails with it, like vodka and orangeade or whiskey and orangeade or

wine and orangeade. Those aren't cocktails. That's just the names of some

drinks with orangeade added to the end. Yeah, well, at least I'm being polite.

Well, thank you, Neil. I'm sure my sister will appreciate it. Yeah, I know

what she wouldn't appreciate.

Oh, no, Neil, you haven't. What?

Unbelievable. Oh!

No, no, you farted again. Not sure. Could be fart, could be worse.

Oh, for fuck's sake, open a window. You need to see a bowel specialist.

Or you could ask his dad. He likes inspecting men's anuses. Oh, I feel

really ill. Simon, can you pull over?

Oh, calm down. It was only a sausage and egg McMuffin.

Oh, there's the hash brown.

Jesus Christ.

Simon, please open a window.

Fortunately, Neil's McFarts calmed down just outside Warwick, which is more than

could be said for Tara.

Either they're getting the train back or I am. Look, it'll be fine. Let's just

remember why we're here, yeah?

I didn't know there'd be so many of you. They've just come to hang out, OK?

Apart from him, he's lonely.

No. You see, some of us are going to university next year, so I thought I'd

come along, check the place out, maybe even make a few friends, just in case,

you know, worst comes to worst and I end up at Warwick.

Meaning? Well, just, you know, it's not my first choice. It's your last choice,

isn't it? But it is a choice.

I think that's the key point here. I brought some orange, Jade, for the

party. There isn't a party.

Well, we could make it a party. No, you couldn't. God, it's bad enough that

Joe's idiotic friends descend on our front room practically every night. Oh,

is he still a nightmare?

God, he's a complete tool. All he does is drink.

I don't know why we agreed to share with him. Joe.

Interesting. Bit of a social hub, is he? The big man on campus.

The go-to guy.

Right, well, Christian's away, so I suppose those three can sleep in his

room. I'll share with Heike, although she's got the flu. That'll probably mean

me catching it too.

And Tara, you and him can have my room. Oh, thanks, sis.

I'm not mad keen on the idea of you having sex at all, but at least this way

I know you're doing it somewhere comfortable.

Oh, absolutely.

Only in her vagina.

I meant in my bed.

Um, so did I.

Why'd you say vagina, then?

Hmm.

Come on, Tara. I'll show you where the condoms and spare sheets are.

Nice to meet you, Sophie.

Who's Heike?

Flat mate. Fit, apparently.

Dutch. Oh, I've never met a Dutch. Always the filthiest. And you know that,

do you? Yes, I fucked a Dutch girl. Bollocks never been to Holland.

Yeah, I have. It was the West Ham under-13s football tour.

Oh, right. And what did she do to you when you were 12 that was so filthy?

Give you a blowjob in a windmill?

Wank you off with clogs? Nah, look, it was properly filthy.

I shouldn't tell. Try us.

All right.

Well, when I fingered her, she shit down my arm.

Should we go and look where we're sleeping then? Yeah.

And to think, I used to associate Holland with tulips.

We'd only travelled as far as Warwick University, but Sophie's flatmate Joe

and his friends seemed to speak a different language.

Good evening, Commander Bombardier. Good evening, Admiral.

All right, Soph, where's this little sister of yours, then? She's upstairs

with her boyfriend.

Ooh, boyfriend denied?

Denied. Denied. Come in, gentlemen, and we'll commence.

Don't break anything.

Right, Specky.

Ah, an insulting nickname.

I think it meant they liked me.

Meanwhile, it was a good job Jay and Neil had their sleeves rolled down

because there was a Dutch girl on the loose.

Oh, hello.

Well, hello there.

You are Sophie's sister's friends?

Uh, yeah.

Okay. Very welcome.

I have a fucking cold, so I'm looking for the bloody tissues.

Bless you. Thank you.

There are the bloody things.

See you guys. Have a super fun night.

Oh, we will have a super fun night.

Most definitely.

Great. Yep.

Bye to you.

Fucking hell, she's fit. Yeah?

She looks like she loves cock.

Do you have to do it different with a Dutch bird?

There are three things you need to know about European birds, Neil.

They're filthy, they're hairy, and they don't mind if you wipe it on the

curtains.

I'd always imagined my evenings at uni would consist of study, heated

intellectual debate, and avoiding elderly homosexual lecturers.

The reality at Warwick was a little different.

Next game is Fuzzy Duck.

Duckmaster General, to my left, Fuzzy Duck.

Fuzzy Duck. Dozzy. Fuzzy Duck.

Hey, fellas.

You don't mind if I join you, do you? Ooh, question.

Two fingers.

What? What does two fingers mean?

Two fingers of what?

Appointing a fine admiral. And the fine is... Are

you OK?

All right, but after that, can we talk normally for a bit? Questions!

Questions! Down it! Down it! Down it! Fine, I was gonna drink it anyway for

fuck's sake.

Down it! Down it! Get it down, you Zulu warrior! Get it down, you Zulu... What?

Zulu? Why Zulu?

What's going on? Question! Down it! I honestly have no idea. Can I play?

Questions!

It seemed like a vaguely racist, moronic drinking game. But as these guys were

students, I assumed it was irony.

In the kitchen...

Nothing ironic was happening.

Not in the kitchen, please. I eat in here. Hi, Sophie.

Hi. Tara, did you find those towels to put down? Yep. And the flannel? Yeah.

Well, just remember, it's when you're ready, not when he's ready, OK?

It doesn't have to be tonight, and it certainly doesn't have to be in the

kitchen. So, what is it you're studying, Sophie?

But you probably won't enjoy it, but just make sure you don't regret it, OK?

English, was it? Jesus, give it a rest, please.

Look, I'm only saying these things because I love you, yeah? Yeah, I know,

but Simon loves me too. Does he? I should go and check on the others.

No, don't worry.

I'm going.

Bye, Sophie. Great to chat.

I think she really likes you.

She seems like she hates me.

No, she's probably just jealous.

Really? Yeah, because I've got you.

Let's not wait any longer. Let's go to bed. Great. I just need to run that by

Jay and Neil quickly first.

Oh, what? Are you going to ask them for their advice?

Oh, shit. Did Jay tell you? I was joking.

Um, me too.

I do need to talk to them about dinner, though. Jay can get really grumpy if he

doesn't eat.

I don't give a fuck.

Look, why don't you go upstairs and get yourself ready and I'll just tell them

there's some stuff in the fridge, yeah?

Those guys are mental. They're mentally ill? Do they even speak English?

Oh, you're just fucked off cos we fit in with uni blokes cos we're a laugh and

you don't cos you're a twat. I love it. I think I'll go uni now.

I wouldn't bank on it, Neil.

Good times.

Anyway, Jay, I just wanted to talk to you quickly about dinner.

What, the fish supper you're having?

Simon, are you coming?

Yeah, one minute. I just need to sort this out.

God, fine!

Well, if she fucks like she complains, you're in for a treat.

Oh, my God.

Is this it then, Si?

Are you going to do it right now?

Listen, I need your advice.

You know you said I'd have a problem getting it up. I've got the exact

opposite problem. It won't go down. If she touches it, I'm sure it'll go off

straight away.

What am I going to do?

Just be yourself. Be honest with her.

Worst advice ever.

Jay, help me.

Look, it's simple. Go and have a quick tactical wake now. Then, when she puts

some clums around it, you'll be able to go for hours.

Right, good idea. Is it? Yes.

Now get up there, knock one out, star on her, and then don't embarrass yourself.

Yeah, try to forget about how this is the biggest moment of your life.

Thanks.

So Simon chose Jay's advice over mine, and as a result, was now masturbating

into a sink whilst inhaling his girlfriend's sister's knickers.

Simon, come on, come to bed.

Coming. I'm just doing a poo.

Um, OK.

Wash your hands, then.

Yeah.

Downstairs, after only a couple of hours in their company, I was already hoping

the commander, the bombardier and the admiral would get sent to Afghanistan.

Wait, Neil.

They eat you down this?

Oh, no, no way. Go on.

All right, then.

You don't have to bow to peer pressure, Neil. Your mate is fucking boring, isn't

he? Yep.

Oh, no, Neil, don't. It's disgusting. Look, it's got fag butts in it.

Oh, yes, cheer that, because that was so impressive.

What would you like for an encore?

Jay to punch himself in the face?

Go on, cheer.

You're boring, mate.

No, no, I'm not. You are a bit boring.

What, because I don't do dares? It takes no time or effort or skill to down half

a bottle of orangeade. It takes balls, though.

Yep. Well, I've got balls.

More than you.

More than two.

Well, go on then. Do a dare.

Nah, he won't. He's boring.

So what? If I eat this bonsai tree, I automatically become fun and

interesting, do I?

Yes. Fine.

Well, I'll eat it then, and we'll see.

Go on then. I will.

Unfortunately, it turns out bonsai doesn't mean delicious little tree in

Japanese.

Upstairs, Simon was struggling to get some wood of his own.

It is cold in here, isn't it?

Like, really cold.

Cold a lot tighter, then.

It's the first time I've ever turned the heating on in here.

Your sex talk is getting worse, Simon.

Right. Is there a draft as well?

Look, she's a student. It's expensive, OK? Do you want to go and talk to her

about gas prices? No.

Good.

Are you going to take your top off?

I'm cold too, you know.

Of course, sure.

We're established.

Well, get the condom on then.

Yeah, I meant to say about that, could you put it on me?

It's sexier.

OK, if you want.

Are you ready?

It doesn't look ready.

No, it's fine. I just think it would help my, you know, readiness a bit if

you put it on with your mouth.

With my mouth?

Or bum.

Or bum.

Those two little words every girl dreams of hearing on her first time.

Downstairs, I was halfway through dinner.

Guys, I'm going to bed, so can you try and keep it down, yeah?

What are you doing?

Question! Two fingers!

I'm sorry, I was trying to satirise their bravado.

If you think about it, it worked.

You ate a bonsai tree.

Yes, but... I think you should go to bed and you lot should leave. Yeah, yeah,

yeah, fine. We're going to the union anyway.

Nice one, Specs. Thanks for ruining the evening.

And Jay, remember what we told you about Hiker, yeah?

Where do you think you're going?

Bed. Not without them, you're not.

Oh, and if you fancy a midnight snack, there's a spider plight in the bathroom.

This has been the best night of my life.

So while Neil got a notion about drinking orangeade and fag butts... Tara

was also doing her best to get something disgusting in her mouth.

Simon's flaccid penis.

I can't put it on at all. It's like that.

Is it nuts?

Look, just stop talking about it, hmm?

It's not helping.

Just get it on.

One more time, please. God, okay, just don't push my head down so hard, yeah?

Sorry.

Are you okay?

Oh, Simon, it's just not doing anything.

God, why won't it start?

I do think if I could see your boobs it would help.

Unlike Simon, I could see nipples.

Unfortunately, they were hairy and attached to a dickhead who would not

shut up.

I know Hyka wants a fuck.

The way she looked at me after she sneezed.

Sleepy times, pal.

I mean, I've got young meat.

That's what she likes.

The boys said.

The commander says she loves a fuck.

Fine, great.

Why don't you just go and ask her then? Get out of the bedroom, let me sleep,

and ask her for the fuck she so famously wants.

All right, I will.

No, Jay, come on. I wasn't serious.

I'm gonna get my Dutch fuck.

Oh, fine, fine.

Off you go.

I'm sick of babysitting you twats anyway.

Oh, God.

No!

God, Sophie's going to go mental.

Why is it so green?

Oh, my head hurts.

Yes, I'll suspend my sympathy as I'm covered in your piss.

It's good for you.

Oh, right, so I'll piss on you then, shall I? Get the fuck to the toilet.

Oh, it smells like pissy sugar puffs.

Oh, I'm a mess. Which one's a bathroom?

More worryingly, where's Jay?

Oh,

there he is. Oh, come on, Ike, just give me a little fuck. I know you want to.

Get out. You've got ten seconds to get out of the house. Don't worry, I've got

enough young meat for you both.

Get! Fucking out!

So while Jay had to get out, Simon couldn't get in.

Simon, Simon, nothing's happening. I know!

Do you think I don't fucking know that? I know that better than anyone. I know

it's floppy.

Sorry, I was just saying. Well, don't just say, OK?

I know better than anyone that my penis isn't fucking working.

It's OK. It's not fucking OK!

It's not OK!

Why don't you start?!

Every time I don't want one, it's there, and yet the one time I actually need it,

nothing! OK, you're scaring me now.

Just work, you stupid fucking thing!

Get big!

Get big!

Simon! Why aren't you doing it?

Do it!

Get big!

Oh, please, just work, you ugly cunt!

Look, none of this is ideal.

I'm aware of that.

You are disgusting.

Disgusting! Oh, my God, the smell, the mess!

Sophie!

Sophie's gone weird just like you said he would.

Tara! Tara! Tara! Look, I've almost got it!

Oh, hi, everyone.

If you don't get out of my house right now, I'm going to call the police.

Get out!

All right, this isn't perfect, sure, but let's be reasonable. None of us have any

clothes on.

So are we having this freeway or what?

Okay, okay, we're going.

No, we weren't going to have a three-way. We were going to spend the

night in Simon's car naked, and then when we'd sobered up, drive home at

stupid o'clock the next morning.

Didn't Tara want to lift back then, Si? I think she's okay, Neil.

Oh, I forgot to thank you all for the advice, by the way. It went perfectly.

I'm so glad you lot came along.

What exactly did you do to her then, Si?

Nothing. I think that was the problem.

Get that, Will?

It's Tara.

Oh, cool.

She says never contact her again.

Cool.

I've been inspired by my trip to Warwick.

Inspired to get the best grades I possibly could so I didn't end up at uni

with Jay.

And me. But one good thing came out of the weekend.

Tara dumping Simon meant I got my friend back. My silver-tongued... Fuck your

fucking fanny off, you twat! Slightly weird.

And still a virgin friend.

Don't ask me. Don't ask me. Don't ask

me. Ask me how I've been.

me to ask