Original subtitles

Neil was about to turn 18, and to celebrate this landmark, his mum was

buying him an early grave.

What do you think?

Best present ever.

Mate, you're going to hoover up the snatch on that.

I know.

Can't wait to get this cast off and go for a burn.

Does your mum always buy you gifts this extravagant? Not really, but it's for me

18th, isn't it? And she did run off.

Why are you getting a bite when you've already got a car?

Motorbike's a cooler.

Until you hit a bus and kill yourself.

Oh, don't listen to Captain Sensible here. It's the ultimate clunge magnet.

It's a well-known fact, if you can get a bird on the back of one of these, they

just cream their knickers because of the vibration.

Is it? Yeah.

That's why there are no female superbike champions.

They all get too horny and have to stop and fud themselves off all the time.

Neil, how on earth is Jay allowed to ride your bike back without a licence or

insurance? Don't shit your pants health and safety.

Neil can't do it because of his arm, and the dealer's happy for me to take it

because I used to be a stunt rider.

It rhymes with stunt.

Well, we know that's bollocks. Is it? Cos I can show you a DVD of me leaping

over five lorries on Blue Peter, if you like.

Oh, wow, did you make it into the Guinness Book of Fictional Records?

Fuck off.

I don't think Tara would be happy if I got one of these. She thinks they're

death traps.

Oh, time for another Tara update.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Just because no-one cares what Tara says or does, don't let that stop

you from mentioning her every 40 seconds.

Don't be a dick, I don't mention her that much.

You do, mate. Oh, pardon me for having a girlfriend.

Who's taking it back then?

I am.

And you say you're used to motorbikes? Of course.

Dad used to drink with Lance Armstrong.

What, the cyclist?

Er, yeah.

Right, well, up on, I'll just show you the basics in case it's different from

what you've ridden before.

Yeah, can do.

These are the gears, these are the brakes.

And they're for stopping, right?

Yeah, I presume you want to stop.

Maybe.

Do you need me to show you that again?

No, no, it's all right.

You never forget.

It's like riding a bike, isn't it?

I think he's used to left-hand drive.

If James' bike riding skills weren't quite as good as he'd claimed, his

ability to brazen it out was unparalleled. I should fucking sue him.

Those tyres had no grip.

They don't tend to grip so well when they're up in the air. Oh, my God, that

is amazing. You look such a knob.

What about your bike, Neil?

I know, the way he said he could ride it and then he fell off and put his head

straight through that door. It's got to be the funniest thing I've ever seen.

No, I meant, what are you going to do about your bike?

It's not only still in Gillingham, it's now fucked.

Oh, no!

So that's your mum's gift destroyed. What's your dad getting you? I'm getting

a party on Friday, aren't I? You mean you're having a party?

No, I'm getting a party for me 18th. The party, that's my present.

Ha! You've got to be fucking joking, that's it. Why is that funny?

Well, I'm just saying, and no offence, mate, but a pike around your house is

the pikiest 18th present I've ever heard of. Leave it at, he's not got that much

money at the moment.

Oh, what, spend it all on butt plugs, has he? No, because he already owns

every single one in the world. Yeah, brilliant, well done.

So who's coming then, Neil? Oh, it's mostly family, but I'm allowed to invite

ten friends.

Ten? Oh, that's generous, considering you haven't got ten friends. Fuck off.

All right, then, who are you going to ask? Well, I... Oh, shit.

I'm not going to get ten people to come along.

Well, just tell them your sister's going to be naked and your dad's promised not

to bum them.

Behave. Oh, can I ask Tara to see what she's up to?

Yeah, nice one. Has she got any fit mates?

I bet so. I'm going to meet one of them after school tomorrow.

I thought we went to Waterside tomorrow, to the cinema.

Yeah, we are.

But Tara and Kerry are coming too.

Oh, I'm well up for that. Yeah, I need to go to Waterside anyway. I'm nearly

out of pants.

You two aren't invited? It's like a double date.

Whoa! What?

I didn't agree to this.

Oh, come on, Will.

Apparently Kerry's been having a bit of a tough time recently. And Tara thinks

YouTube would get on really well. So I said you'd be cool.

Yes, but... A date's quite a big thing.

I mean, do you know what she looks like? I've not seen her, but Tara says she's

amazing and gorgeous.

I bet she's a right dog. Just cos you're not invited?

Nah, she said girls always think their mates are really fit, and then when you

meet them, they look like a pulp scratching.

To be fair, Tara's pretty spot-on about most things. This conversation is

specifically about Tara!

At best, I reckon this Kerry's a mid-level munter. I'm sure she's not.

Honestly, Will, Tara says she's fit.

Plus, and I probably shouldn't even tell you this, but apparently, Kerry's given

her last three boyfriends blowjobs.

Seriously? Yep. Well, why didn't you say? What time were you meeting then?

Because I didn't own a tracksuit, I'd never seen the appeal of hanging out in

a shopping centre. But while Simon and Tara explored the deepest recesses of

each other's mouths, I was on a date with a girl who gave out blowjobs, so

things were looking up. And by things, I mean me.

This is fun. Fun double date.

We're just shopping. Yeah, but after that we're going to watch the new Saw

film. That's like a date.

Oh, yeah. I might not make that, actually.

You're not scared, are you?

No, I'm just not very good with blood.

It's not real, Will. Yes, Simon, thank you. I am aware of how cinema works.

Any blood makes me feel queasy. I'm the same. I don't like blood.

Once I saw some and I didn't like it.

Right. You two are so alike.

Are we?

Most people don't like blood.

Yeah, you are.

Anyway, I saw the best outfit for Simon here.

We went for a long night. I knew you two. Hang out.

Wait, I'll come with you and... Oh, right.

I like your glasses.

Thanks.

Do you need them to see better?

Yes.

So as I heard it carry off, Simon was discovering that it wasn't just Tara's

boyfriend, it was also her project.

Are we going to be looking around much longer? It's just my feet are really

hurting. Oh, my God!

There it is.

You would look so cute in that.

Yeah, the shirt's sort of nice.

Not just the shirt, the whole thing.

Really? Do you think? Why are you looking at this?

I think it's great.

It's so great, isn't it? I was just saying, you'd look really good in it.

He'd look really good in it.

Not the cardigan, though.

Especially the cardigan and the bow tie.

Oh, the bow tie is amazing.

You should try it on. How are you suddenly so involved? Oh, yes, please,

just try it on. We don't have to buy it.

But I'm going to look exactly like the dummy.

Please, for me.

Do you not think you look weird?

Please!

God, all right, for you, but not for him.

She's a bit precious, isn't she?

It was a mark of how desperate Simon was to lose his virginity that he was

willing to let Tara dress him up like an eccentric posh child.

Oh, my God.

It's shit, isn't it? You look adorable.

It looks fantastic.

My creation has come to life.

I have to tell everyone.

All staff to dressing. No, mate, come on. You look amazing. I really fancy you

in that.

Do you? Yeah. Put the glasses on.

I'm going to take it off now.

Not yet. You're like my wet dream. I need to get a photo.

Come on, Sammy. Smile.

Hands off, everyone. He's mine.

Simon, can I have a word about Kerry? Now, who has done this to you?

I ate the picture of you. Geek Chic was last year.

In a way, it was a compliment.

I'd never been called Chic before.

What is it with fucking girls? They think shoppers distance are their

friends. They're not. You've just met them and they're trying to sell you

stuff. Look, I think before this goes any further, you need to tell Tara that

Kerry isn't my type. What does that mean?

You've only kissed three girls. Your type is anyone who'll let you. All

right, fine. Look.

I don't want to seem really shallow, but she's a bit big.

Is she?

Oh, did it escape your notice she's a giant? So she's tall.

Come on, you're always saying how desperate you are. Do you honestly think

you'll get better?

Yes, I'd have thought so.

Really? May I remind you of Charlotte Hinchcliffe? She went out with me and

she was not only fit and popular, but also normal-sized.

OK, so Kerry might not be the fittest girl ever, but she'll almost certainly

give you a blowjob if you stick with it. Oh, God, I know.

My head's telling me one thing and my cock another.

It's a genuine dilemma.

I mean, is using her for sex totally unethical?

She's offering to put your penis in her mouth, not pay you to ask questions in

Parliament. You'd like a blowjob, wouldn't you?

Yes, obviously.

Oh, God, this is a fucking nightmare.

And having Neil and Jay follow us around isn't helping.

What? Are you going to come out, then? I can't see you. You're not even hiding.

Your new girlfriend's big, isn't she? She's not my girlfriend.

No, she's fucking Canary Wolf.

You can bring your girlfriend to my birthday, if you like, Will.

Is that a joke?

No, it'll help push the numbers up. It'll help push the height up. Thanks,

Simon. So, has she given you a blower yet, then? Here in Waterside? Oh, yeah,

Neil, I've had two. One on the escalator and one in Nando's.

Really? No, Neil, not really.

You're going to go for it then? I mean, she's a freak, but there's nothing like

a blowjob. And you'd know because you've had so many blowjobs.

Yeah. When was your first then, Jay? Oh, long time back.

Many suck jobs ago now. Years.

Years ago?

Bollocks. I got one off the cleaner when I was 12.

Who was your cleaner? Gary Glitter? Was he good?

Oh, he was brilliant, mate.

I pissed right in her mouth. What?

Why would you do that? Is that even possible?

Yes. That's how you finish blowjobs.

And she said I was the best she'd ever had. Three mouthfuls of piss. Thought

she had to get on with the hoovering.

Oh, hi, guys. Hi.

Come on, Simon, we'd better get going. We don't want to miss the film. Yeah,

we're off too, actually.

Oh, no.

You off to get a zing a tower meal?

It was clear that tonight wasn't about me at all, and if he thought it would

make Tara happy, Simon would have set me up on a blind date with a plastic bag

full of his own shit.

I don't think she's that bad, just a bit big.

Oh, that one's meant to be awesome.

Completed it.

That one came out last week.

Completed it.

What about this?

Championship manager.

Completed it, mate.

We can't complete it.

Yeah, I know, but I got so good here that the FA offered me a role in the

England set-up. Did they?

I took Woking from the conference to the Champions League in six seasons.

Stuff like that doesn't go unnoticed, Neil.

Hey, Jay, look at this.

Nice people swallow.

Mean spunk.

Yeah. What about this one?

Honk if you want a blowjob.

We should stick it on Kerry. She loves giving blowjobs. We'd have to get a

bigger one.

Yeah, a good one.

Actually, I know where this should go.

After becoming possibly the first people ever to actually laugh at a bumper

sticker, Jay and Neil's day got even better when they saw something rare and

exotic in the shopping centre.

Hey, Jay, look.

Fucking hell, what's he doing here?

Dunno. Shopping.

Gilbert.

Gilbert!

A few years ago, I'd seen King Kong at the cinema.

Now, I was on a date with her.

This is very violent.

Yeah.

Do you feel all right? With the blood?

Yes. Shush.

Are you OK?

Fine, thanks, yeah.

Bit hot.

Remember, it's not real.

Kerry's attempt to comfort me with her massive hand did exactly the opposite.

There was no way out. The horror. The hand.

The horror. The hand! It was all too much. I told Simon I didn't like blood.

Sorry, I think I need to get some air.

Really faint.

Fuck off! He's scared of blood!

Oh, dear.

I'll say this for Carrie. She made a great human popcorn shield.

Meanwhile, by the time he'd driven Tara home, Simon was getting withdrawal

symptoms because he'd gone more than five minutes without sticking his tongue

down her throat.

Well, I think that went really well.

I could tell Kerry likes him. She's amazing, isn't she? So beautiful.

Yeah, sort of. She's quite tall.

What do you mean?

Oh, no, what are they doing? They know about me, all right? Totally, hence the

welcome party.

Simon, this is my mum and dad, who happen to be stepping outside the front

door for no reason, just as we arrive.

Hello, Simon, I'm Tara's mum. She's told me all about you. Hello. Whereas because

I'm Tara's father, she's told me virtually nothing about you.

Oh, she doesn't really know very much about me.

Not that there's anything bad to know.

It's your car, is it?

At least you're not driving my daughter around in some souped-up death trap. Oh,

no, it's just the stopgap, really. Trying to get enough money together to

buy something less crap.

Mum and Dad don't like swearing, Simon.

Oh, sorry.

What did I say?

Oh, crap?

Is crap a swear word?

Crap?

Let's just err on the side of caution on that one, shall we?

Yeah, sorry.

It's OK.

Look, someone's got a funny bumper sticker. What does this one say?

Honk if you want to... What?

That's not mine.

Well, it's on your car.

Dad, can you just go inside, please? Mum, tell him. It's all right, Simon. I

can see it's meant to be a joke.

I literally have no idea how they got there. It's just not very funny, though,

is it?

I mean, why would you want to drive around with that on the back of your

car? It just makes you look dirty.

I'm not.

I mean, it's not like I'm obsessed with blowjobs or cocks.

Honestly, I'm not.

Say goodnight to Simon, Tara.

So while Simon struggled to get rid of something impossibly clingy, so did I. I

don't think they should have thrown stuff.

What kind of a person throws stuff at another person when that person isn't

feeling very well?

Anyway, thanks, Kerry, but I think I meant to walk you home.

I want to make sure you get home safely.

Yep, well, here I am, so thank you.

You can kiss me goodnight if you want to.

Oh.

Er... OK.

Right.

Right, well, better go. Goodnight, then. Get home safely.

Nah, that's enough for tonight.

Kiss me one more time.

No, night, Kerry.

OK, I ran away, but she's still going on my kiss list.

Number four, Big Kerry.

Considering it had the combined brain power of Jay and Neil behind it, the

blowjob sticker joker worked amazingly well. It's impossible to get off. Tara's

dad was really angry.

I'm going to have to get the car re-sprayed, I reckon. Try and pick a

less shit colour. Brilliant.

How's your girlfriend, Will? If you mean Kerry, she's not my girlfriend.

I don't think she's changed her Facebook status to win a relationship, then. Has

she? How did you find her on Facebook?

It's easy when you know where to look. Which is in the group for lanky munters.

Mate, I reckon it's all good.

Tara told me something very interesting about Kerry. She bangs her head wherever

she goes. No.

She told me you kissed her last night.

Did you use a fucking stab ladder?

No. Why did you do it? I thought you weren't interested.

Oh, I don't know. I can't decide.

And at that moment, it was easier to kiss her than to not kiss her. Were you

scared? A bit.

Sounds to me like you're closing in on that BJ.

Maybe it'll even happen at Neil's party.

No, no, I think it's all wrong. I'm going to de-invite her from the party.

Oh, no way, she's got to come. I need to get the numbers up. Were you free in

Tara? I'm stuck on five.

Four. But if Kerry comes as well, that'll make it six.

Five. Taking her to the party is a bit like admitting we're going out, when all

I really want from her is a blowjob.

It would be morally wrong.

Look, why not just get the blowjob and then see how you feel?

I've got an idea. Why not get the blowie, ask for a fuck, if she says no,

then dump her. Brilliant. Well, I'd like to thank everyone for their fucking

useless advice.

Thank you.

I don't know what your problem is. I've never been out with a girl I liked

anyway. What, apart from the last one who made you cry?

Well... Oh, that is bang out of order.

What? After everything he's said?

Yeah, but some things just aren't OK.

You alright, Jay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Apologise. For that?

Yes, for that.

Well, I've literally no idea what the rules are, then.

Oi, Jay. Jay.

Waterside. Waterside.

What did you say?

Nothing.

Right. A week's after school detention.

For both of you. Oh, what?

Two weeks.

Come on, sir. Three weeks?

But, sir... Four weeks detention?

Starting tonight.

See you later.

Oh, fucking hell.

I'm now going to be late to my party.

Right, OK, I've made up my mind. You're right. Maybe a blowjob is worth it.

I'm going to play the long game with Kerry. Just make sure you don't play the

tall game. She'd win every time. Because she's tall.

Yes, I get it.

That evening, as we stared at Neil's impossibly attractive sister, two

thoughts crossed my mind.

Surely she must be adopted, and could this party get any worse?

Turns out, it could. Oh, I say.

What must you think of me racing round the house in my briefs like we're at

some sort of Roman orgy?

Neil will be back in a minute. He's just finishing off up after jazz club.

OK.

You know, it's not fancy dress, Simon. I'm not in fancy dress.

It's a new look for Simon. I chose it.

You should get your girlfriend to dress you too, Will. You look like shit.

She's really rude to you.

Did you two have a thing? What, with Katie?

He wishes.

I don't understand.

Come on, Kezza, let's go and get our men some more drinks.

Lager for William.

Maybe the cheap French beer will numb the shame of being seen in public with

her. Oh, come on, it's fine. She's nice.

Is the definition of nice someone who's a bit boring and embarrassing and much

taller than you?

Aye, aye, Si. You didn't tell me you'd join JLS.

Brilliant. And you've come as a nerd.

Yes, very droll. He's bigfoot here, you know, your girlfriend.

Oh, God, I can't go through with it. I don't fancy Kerry and I can't keep

stringing her along. It's not right, is it? Or is it?

That's nice.

Fucking Donovan did it. He pinned me down in detention.

Oh, Neil, what is that monstrosity?

It was an accident. You remember, I fell off the garage.

No, not the cast. What's on it? Cover it up. Your granny's going to be here in a

minute.

Neil. I thought we would have liked it.

Why? Well, it's covered in cocks.

Behave. How was detention?

It was alright apart from that. I even managed to give out a couple of invites.

Did you?

Yeah, whilst you were getting changed. I told them to be here early, so that

should be them now.

Oh, please be fit. Please be fit.

Hello. Brilliant. It's a brilliant freak party.

Say what you like, but with these two, us four and your girlfriends, that's got

me up to the magic ten.

Eight.

Oh, shit.

Neil, is it okay if I brush my teeth?

No, it is not.

Well, Big John and David made it official.

Neil's was the worst 18th birthday party ever.

Unless you were Simon.

Oh, get a room.

Sorry, mate.

Actually, can we use your room? Depends. What for?

What do you think?

You've lost me. I want to spend some time alone and not in your kitchen with

Tara. Oh, right. Time together, yeah? What for?

Neil. Oh, right. That.

Oh, go on then. Cheers, mate.

Oh, try not to spunk on the sheets.

Do you want any more crisps, Gran?

And I was left with Kerry, who might give me a blowjob, but might also

swallow the rest of me. Oh, there you are.

Oh, sorry.

Am I a lump?

No. Why don't you come and sit on my lap instead?

Spend your room to both sit down.

OK, Mr Grump Grumps.

Kerry, um, we need to talk.

We are talking.

No, not here. In private.

Oh, good.

More kissing.

You're a really good kisser. Am I a bad kisser? I bet I'm a rubbish kisser,

aren't I? Do you think I'm a good kisser, then? OK, Kerry, I'm really

sorry to do this. What?

We're not going out.

Yes, we are. No, we aren't. I don't want to be a boyfriend, and if anyone asks, I

never was, all right?

Oh.

That didn't come out perfectly, but you know what I mean.

I'll give you a blowjob.

I'm sure that you will, Kerry, but I just can't accept. Is it because I'm a

bit taller than you?

No.

Calm down.

You can't be that upset.

We were never really going out.

We only met the other day.

She just had some bad news.

Hope, Will and Kerry are getting on OK.

She's such a sweetheart and she's had such a rough time.

I'd love it if she met someone really nice. What do you think?

Yeah, definitely.

Does Will really like her?

Whatever you want.

I said, does Will really like her? Can we not talk about Will right now? It's

putting me off.

Oh, God, that sounded like Kerry.

Better go and check she's OK. I'm sure she's fine. Simon, you know what she's

been through.

Oh, for fuck's sake, well, don't fucking bother starting me off if you're not

going to finish it.

Sorry, did you say something?

No.

That's not strictly true, is it, Kerry?

He tried to have sex with me and then he dumped me. Is that correct, Kerry?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

For what?

I've actually been really nice. You took advantage of her. No, I didn't. I think

that's pretty low.

Do you really?

Tom, are you OK, Kezza?

He dumped me.

No, I couldn't have because we were never going out.

You...

Especially after everything Kerry's been through.

It hasn't been an easy ride for me either, trying to stay out of her

clutches. Her dad died last month.

Well, that's awful.

Obviously.

But not. Not what?

Well, it's not... It's not relevant, is it? You disgust me.

I think you should leave.

But I've done nothing wrong.

The dad timing is unfortunate, but it's not my fault.

If you're interested in the truth, Kerry hands out blowjobs like they're going

out of fashion, and by all accounts, I'm one of the only people to have turned

her down.

Well,

I want you to leave.

What, for turning down oral sex from the Empire State Building?

For trying to let her down gently rather than placing my glands into her stupid,

boring mouth?

Well, I want you to leave my house and never come back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's going on?

I've been told to leave for dumping a girl I wasn't going out with. Oh, fuck.

And by the way, did you not think it important to mention at any stage that

Kerry's dad had died?

Oh, shit, yeah, I forgot.

Didn't forget about the blowjobs, though, did you? Oh, no.

You were all about the blowjobs, couldn't stop going on about the

blowjobs, but the dead dad, that just slipped your mind. Well, thanks very

much, Simon. See you at school, mate.

To be fair to Simon, I'd have probably forgotten my own mother's name if Tara

had been wanking me off.

Life is so unfair.

Yes, and?

Neil's dad phoned my mum and I've been grounded for three weeks and I did

nothing wrong. Not nothing?

Yes, nothing.

If anything, I did the right thing by not letting her give me a blowjob.

You didn't handle it brilliantly, though, did you? OK, so right and wrong

don't matter, it's all about presentation, is it?

It's like with me and Gilbert.

I did nothing and I get a month's detentions. You did say waterside. Yes,

nothing. It's not offensive, it's not a swear word. Yeah, but... Yeah, but what?

What? Do I have to draw you a fucking picture? I said Waterside and I got a

month's detentions. How is that fair?

Anyway, sorry for ruining your birthday, Neil.

No, not at all.

It was awesome.

Was it? Yeah.

After you guys left and me dad went to bed, Kerry gave me a blowy upstairs.

What? Did she?

Because Tara said... Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Fuck off!

Tara said she was still really upset about it the next day.

Well, yeah, that was the only downside.

She was still crying a little bit on the first one.

Oh, God.

It may not have been extravagant, but Neil will always remember his 18th.

Mainly because Jay drove his mum's gift into a wall, Simon ejaculated on his

duvet, and I ruined the evening by comparing the grieving girl I was

supposedly seeing to an immense, cocksucking American landmark.

Whaaat?