Original subtitles

Jay was full of helpful tips, and this morning's were about how to make the

most of the space in your caravan.

So I had one bent over the table here. There was one up here I was fingering,

and I was just toe-fucking the one on the floor.

Whilst your parents were sleeping in bunk beds just over there. Quality. It's

amazing how good you are with birds, Jay.

What can I say? It's a gift.

So when do we get to meet these three lucky ladies?

Well, you can't. They've gone back to the Playboy Mansion.

Of course, because if you lived in the Playboy Mansion, you'd definitely

holiday in Great Yarmouth. Well, they did.

I told you you should have come on holiday with us, Si.

I don't want made-up Playboy models.

I just want a nice girlfriend who'll maybe have sex with me. I'll ready my

sister's gratio that birds like it if you ask them questions.

If you want to get a girlfriend, you should probably try that.

Really? Yeah, that works.

Of course, the only question I ask them is which hole do you want it in first.

Great, thanks.

What are you lot up to?

Is Jay showing you where he used to shag the cushions?

He thinks me and his mum don't know about that.

Come on, Dad. We've had to replace the covers twice.

Jay was just telling us about the birds he pulled in Norfolk.

Oh, right, was he? Yeah, you remember, right, Dad?

Well, he's a total bullshitter then, cos the only pussy he's ever touched was his

mum's when he fell out of it.

See you later.

He's such a wind-up merchant.

So with Mr Cartwright confirming that Jay hadn't hosted an orgy on the fold

-out table, we began to question a few other things he'd said.

Oh, yeah, what else have I ever said that's bullshit?

That your mate can squeeze himself into a microwave.

Yeah, a good-sized one. That your dad fought Muhammad Ali as an amateur and

beat him. It was on a points decision.

No, it was just from this morning. I could go on.

This fag's not funny.

Holy shit!

Was Donovan smoking drugs?

In the open? On a school day?

Don't shit yourself, talk to Frank. It's just a bit of puff.

Everyone does a bit of puff.

All right, do they? It's just I don't, you don't, and not as anyone we know.

What are you talking about? I do it all the time. Old, do you?

Yes, but obviously not with you sad-os. I do it with me older mate. Has this

imaginary mate got a name, then? Look, I go around here, so we get nicely stoned

listening to music, a bit of reggae, or we go to gigs.

Everyone does it at gigs.

Just pass the puff around, share the love. The birds love it. Is it true it

makes your teeth feel funny?

Yeah, but I'm hardcore, so it doesn't really affect me. Well, it is true the

effects are lessened if you only pretend to take it.

Not that I have to prove anything to you, Muggs, but the other day we got his

dog stoned and he got the munchies, so he ran away for an hour. When he'd come

back, it nicked a packet of Bob Muggs from the all-night garage.

What does that even mean? All you need to know is I can get you as much gear as

you like, whenever you like. I don't want any, ever.

I suppose when you think about it, everything's drugs, isn't it? No, not

really. Yeah, you know, like beer, this spring, coffee, trainers, chicken

nuggets, cling film. Right, last of last.

Plants, clothes, car tyres, calculators, wasps. Yeah, that's right.

Simon's off to get his fix now. What, Si's doing drugs?

Yeah, he's addicted to crack, Neil.

Carly's crack.

Oh, yeah. Nice one.

I'm not an expert, but here's a tip.

Don't literally run after a girl you fancy.

It makes you look needy, and unless they're desperate or mental, it won't

work.

Oh, sorry.

It's okay. No, sorry, I really didn't mean to sit on you. No, cos that would

be weird.

Ah, yeah.

Yeah. Totally.

Are you in the lower six?

Yeah. You've probably never noticed me before because I've just dyed my hair

and suddenly grown a pair of tits.

I'm Simon, by the way. I know.

Tara.

What are you eating?

The NME. I hate it. It's always wrong. It's basically shit.

Still doesn't stop me buying it every week. Right, every week?

Yep. So you buy it every week? Yeah. Not every week, though.

Yes, every week. So every week?

Are you broken?

Have you got a head injury?

So you're into music, then?

Yeah, massively.

I'd die without Spotify, and I love going to gigs.

Oh, yeah, the same.

The same what? Same as what you said.

Right. So have you been down the Enterprise, then?

Um... Oh, I'm just trying to... They have loads of brilliant up-and-coming

bands. Oh, I can't quite... I don't know.

I just... It's cool if you haven't. No, I don't think so.

Well, you should. It's awesome. There's this band playing Friday for our save.

Oh, they're amazing.

Me and my mate are going.

Sounds cool. I love gigs.

I went to a big gig last year.

My mum took us to see Take That at Wembley Arena.

Oh. Yeah, it was good. Yeah, yeah. We were quite far back.

We were sort of on the side. But, no, they were awesome. My mum went mental

for it.

Oh, well, to be honest, I don't think you'd like Valsafe. It's a... Slightly

different vibe to take that. Oh, no, no, I would. I love all vibes. Fail safe,

take that.

Reggae.

I'd love to come, and I'll even bring the puff, if you like.

Drugs?

I didn't think that was your scene. Didn't you? No, when I'm at gigs, I

always pass the puff around.

Share the love.

Really? Yeah, I'm pretty cool like that, but I try and keep it on the down low.

Wow, well, you're doing a great job.

Great. Well, I'll see you Friday, then, and I'll bring enough spliff puff for

everyone. Even enough for your mum?

No. No, she won't be there. Stupid bitch.

But I'll be there.

With the drugs.

Why the fuck did you say you bring drugs? You don't do drugs.

I know, but she's fit and I panicked. So you're going to supply her like some

sort of pimp to a drug-addled prostitute? Is that what you've become?

Oh, calm down, Willie. Just a bit of puff. Everyone does it.

Jay, you can sort me out, right?

Slight problem on that front.

What, in the past 15 minutes?

Yeah, the mate's fucked off on a gap year to Afghanistan, trying to get some

pure shit from Sauce.

Of course he has.

Thanks a fucking bunch, Jay.

Will's right, you are a total bullshitter. Don't blame me.

Drug dealers are unreliable. You could ask Donovan, Jay. Unless you're scared

of him.

Of course not.

I've had a total remark untold times. I sought him out with Rizzler and Ting.

Oh, so you're a newsagent now, as well as a liar.

All right, I'll ask Donovan. Then, tomorrow night, when, thanks to me,

we're watching Simon get balls deep in Tara, we'll see who the liar is. Fine.

We will.

Probably be a bit weird if you two are there.

I don't know what Donovan was smoking, but it made him spread butter like a

maniac.

What if he throws a toaster at you?

Why would he do that? We're mates.

Are you?

Sort of.

What the fuck are you two queers doing? Checking out my arse or something?

Right, come on, let's go.

No, we just wanted a word.

Prick. There's a word.

Right, sorry.

We wanted to ask if you could sort us some puff.

You lost your retarded mind?

It's your churchmates in Afghanistan.

What? Nah, look, we'll pay.

How much you got?

About 20 quid.

Look, I'll do your special team twat deal.

There you go.

Nah, come on.

What? No, come on, seriously, Mark, that's... Puff.

Well, no, it's tea, like normal tea. We just saw you empty the bags. Are you

calling me a liar?

You're disrespecting me like that.

No, it's just that you did it right in front of us. I'm going to give you a

chance to apologise for that. Right, yeah, no, sorry, but... But what?

Nothing. And?

Thank you for the puff.

Don't smoke it all at once.

It was the night of Simon's date with Tara, and to mark the occasion, he had

dressed like a dick.

Are you actually going to wear that?

Yes. Interesting.

Look, if I'm going to get a girlfriend, I'm going to have to try a different

plan than the one I had for Carly. Oh, was there a plan with Carly? I thought

you just lurched from one disaster to another. Yeah, well, I know what I need

to do with Tara.

Just pretend to be someone that I'm not. That I go to gigs, wear hats, and most

importantly, sort out D-R-U-G-S.

Shh! My mum's in.

So? She can spell. Ooh, you two look very smart. What are you off to? Oh, um,

we're just going to pick up Neil, then we're going to a gig.

A gig?

Wow. Yeah, I remember my first gig. In excess, Hammersmith Odeon, one of the

band members went off stage, then came back on a skateboard. We all screamed.

Yeah, looking back, I'm not sure why he did it.

We're going to go now.

Well, have fun, and if anyone does offer you any D-R-U-G-S, be careful.

What? I overheard you.

Oh, it's OK, Bethel. I know boys will be boys, but I can trust you to do the

responsible thing.

Very lucky to have you, cos you're so boring.

Boring? Well, not boring.

Just... Scared of things.

Scared? Sensible.

That's the word I'm looking for.

Sensible. You're very sensible, so I don't have to worry about you as much.

Because you're so scared.

Thanks, Mum.

Instead of D-R-U-G-S, Jay had bought P-G-T-I-P-S, which he spent the last

hour failing to roll up into a joint.

I still can't believe you're going through with this, Si.

Oh, come on, Will. It's just the little spleef.

Is that meant to be funny?

Is that drug humour?

I like Cliff Richard.

If you don't like it, fuck off. No, I'll stay and laugh at you. Jay, I've heard

smoking's well bad for your chest. Can't we just, like, make tea with it instead?

No.

You can't make tea with this type, remember, Neil?

Oh, yeah.

Why not?

Cos... ..it's stronger if you eat it.

Oh, we could bake it into chocolate brownies. Cool.

Delicious. Who knows the recipe?

Like General Lawson?

Look, we haven't got time to fucking bake cakes. My dad's going to be here to

pick us up in a minute. I just want to try it before I meet Tara.

Well, I can cook toast and eggs. What about putting it in egg on toast? Would

that work, Jay?

Um, it might do.

Drugs on eggs on toast.

Are you not worried it might lead to harder stuff?

Beans on toast. Maybe a sausage.

Or I can make jelly.

Right, fuck it, I'm brewing some hashed tea.

The one thing Jay didn't want Simon to do with the tea was make tea.

Because he'd find out it was tea. I told you, Si, there were supply issues.

The main issue being Donovan supplied you with tea.

Oi! And so refreshed, but in no way high, Simon headed for his date with

Tara. You lot seem very quiet tonight.

Yeah, well, it's better than hearing non-stop bullshit.

Language. What's that in your head, Simon?

Oh, I don't know, Dad.

Oh, yeah, it's a hat.

Obviously. God.

Looks bloody stupid.

We tried to tell him. You look like a butcher.

Pete Doherty wears them, actually.

Pete Doherty's butcher wears them. Oh, I forgot you're a comedian as well as a

cab driver.

Oi, I'm doing you a favour.

Why are you wearing it anyway? You've never worn anything like that before.

He's meeting a bird. Neil! Knew it. You've got that look in your eye.

What? Sort of an animal look. I've seen it when you watch TV sometimes.

X-Factor and that. What, when he sees Louis Walsh? Funny.

No, thankfully, Cheryl Cole.

If his mum's in the room, he has to pop a pillow over his lap.

It wasn't exactly take that at Wembley Arena, but the Enterprise had everything

you could want from a local music venue.

Bar staff who didn't ask for ID.

a worrying lack of fire exits, and a horrific smell from the toilets.

Can you see Tara anywhere?

I'll just follow the puddles, mate. She's that fucking wet for you. Can you

hear something, Will? I can smell bullshit, but I can't hear anything.

Well, stop being a baby.

Simon, I think it's probably for the best that you don't have any drugs. I'm

sure Tara will understand.

Have you got a girlfriend?

No. You know that. Then you'll excuse me if I don't give a shit what you think?

You can share mine if you like, Si. I've got some tabs.

What? Like LSD?

No, I nicked some of my dad's sleeping pills.

Apparently, if you mix them with Ribena, red wine and cough mixture, it gives you

a well good buzz.

Is the buzz crippling stomach acid?

Oh, yeah, no, it's good, that.

Like, mixing some Lucozade as well gives it a more crunchy buzz.

Thanks, Neil, but I think Tara's expecting me to have some puff, so I'm

fucked because someone is a total bullshitter.

Fucking hell, if you're going to be so menstrual about it, I'll go and score

some shit here.

Oh, yes, off you go, just score, Scarface.

I will.

You coming, Neil? Yeah, right. Oh, get us a Ribena and wine, Si, half and half,

yeah? It's got to be quite specific.

Specific?

Fucking Simon. I have to do everything for him.

He'll probably want me to bone that girl for him, too.

Show her how it's done properly.

Exactly. So when you do it, do you do more like bump or grind?

What? I was just thinking about whether it's best to bump or grind, cos, I mean,

you can only do one or the other when you think about it.

Nah, not me, mate. No, I do both. And I slap.

I all love a slap.

You're not bullshitting me, are you?

Oh, what? Neil, come on, mate. Sorry, it's just that you keep saying you can

get loads of drugs, and so far the only drugs you've got is tea, and it just

makes me think... Neil, don't, all right? Just don't, OK?

I haven't scored any gear yet, because where am I supposed to get it from? My

mate's in Afghanistan. I can't help that. And there's no-one here dealing.

What about him?

Shit. Right.

Er, yeah.

You going over, then? Yes.

You'd better come too.

You know, it's muscle.

Right, cool.

Look, Art, this might get tasty.

Oh, can I have some gum?

I ain't got any, I'm pretending.

Right, mate.

Hi.

My mate wanted to say something to you.

Yeah?

Sort me out, geezer.

What?

Please sort me out, geezer.

I've got 20 quid.

So what? What do you want from me?

You know, gear.

Sweet Mary Jane.

Get in your man.

Ah, so you want to buy drugs.

And you came to me. Why? Well, cos we saw you... Cos I'm black.

Saw a black guy at a gig, thought, must be a drug dealer.

No, we didn't. You fucking white boys are all the same. You scratch beneath

the surface just a little bit and you're racist.

Yeah, that's right, I said it.

Racist.

But have you got any drugs?

Yes, I have, but that's not the point. Point is, you assumed I had some just

cos I'm black.

Could we buy some, please?

Why should I deal to you?

Hmm? Why should I deal to two little suburban racists who see me as some kind

of a stereotype?

I'm at university.

But you're a drug dealer as well, yeah? Yes, I do deal, but you keep missing the

point. Look, here's 30 quid. Can we just have some puff?

Yes, you can.

But only because I'm a dealer.

Not because I'm black.

Now fuck off.

Can you roll it up for us, please?

If ever there was an advertisement for drugs not being cool...

Jay was it.

My first ever gig was in full swing.

And if Simon searched for his date, I was enjoying it. In a way. Do you like

the taste of beer? I don't know if I do, actually.

What the fuck's this?

What? Oh, hi!

I didn't realise Pete Doherty was coming along.

Is he?

No, I mean you, you twat.

Oh, right, because of the hat?

No, because you fucked Kate Moss.

Obviously it's the hat.

Hi, I'm Will.

Are you the guy who shit himself in the exam?

Yep. Now, Tara, don't you think it's just cool here? Great vibe, no need to

drink too much or take anything to make it better. Could not get better, could

it? Jay sorted it.

No way.

Yep, no bullshit. He's totally done it. The man even rolled one up for us. Oh,

cool. Yeah, of course.

He's waiting outside.

I don't want to be a killjoy, but I just think you should remember that what

you're about to do is illegal.

So is doing bombs in the swimming pool, but I do that because it's fun, yeah?

Come on, Simon.

Technically, that's not illegal.

I didn't know which was worse, that my friend was about to do drugs just to

impress a girl, or the smug look on Jay's face.

Here we go, boys and girls.

Hello, Paul.

Nice. So you've actually got it, then?

Look, when I say I'm going to deliver, I fucking deliver.

Like a postman with Tourette's? Right, who's first?

I've never done it before.

Haven't you?

No, go on, Simon, show me how.

Maybe Jay should go first, because he sorted it. Only fair.

Nah, nah, I'm cool.

Taking a breather. I'll smoke one the size of a parsnip whilst I was waiting

for you latecomers.

Or maybe ladies first, so that is you.

No, I'm nervous. Go on.

Okay, alright.

I suppose.

I couldn't really blame Simon. If I thought a fit girl like Tara might get

off with me, I'd probably mainline heroin into my eyeball.

Great. That was really great. Here you go.

What? You didn't even inhale.

You've got to take it right in like a cigarette.

Oh, yeah.

I know.

no sometimes i do it that way because it just gets your um cheeks nicely stoned

but no i'll have a go your way

that

definitely went in that time right in the lungs tara cool

how your cheeks feeling now have they got the munchies

Can I have a go, please?

All right, sorry.

This is cool.

Just us here, smoking a foul doobie. Oh, yeah.

Hanging out by some bins near a skip, in the cold, doing drugs.

Oh, it's very cool.

Very cool indeed.

Oh, yeah, that is good weed.

Nil. No, I'm all right. I've got my sleeping tabs.

What about the Ribena and wine?

I had that earlier. It all gets mixed up in my tummy anyway, so it should be all

right. What about you just say no?

Are you still too scared? Oh, yes, I'm scared.

Scared that you three won't think I'm cool enough to hang out with anymore.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, it felt safe. Shit, we can't miss them.

No way, Jose!

Come on, then, guys.

No, you're all right, Jose.

I was questioning my beliefs.

If winners don't do drugs, how come Simon was off with lovely Tara whilst I

was stuck with two morons, half a lager and a bottle of cough syrup?

Oh, I'm definitely feeling something now. This is good weed.

I might try and get shipment in for Glastonbury.

Yes, I mean, it's the next logical step from buying a small amount for you and a

friend, dealing to 70,000 people in a field.

All right, all right, keep it down.

You never know who's listening.

Who? Old Bill?

Undercover Bacon?

These places are usually crawling with filth. I've got to keep on my guard.

I think I'm coming up.

How many singers are on stage?

It looks like five.

I don't know. Ask Professor Downer, he'll know.

Just because you've had a puff on your first joint doesn't mean you're Kurt

Cobain. Look, if you want to be a mummy's boy, that's fine. But stop

trying to bring us down, man.

Am I a mummy's boy because I refuse to bow to peer pressure, or am I, in fact,

the opposite?

You're a mummy's boy.

Go on, Bill, have a puff. Show us you're not scared.

Well, I would, but I don't actually smoke, because, oh, what's that thing

you get when you smoke?

Sex? No, cancer, Neil. Well, fine, eat it, then.

I could do, but as I keep explaining, I have no interest in getting, as you say,

high. I feel brilliant.

Well, from the outside, you seem basically the same, but a bit more

boring. It's all right, Neil.

He's scared.

Of course.

Scared.

Give it here, then.

Right, happy now? So you can shut up about how you like to chase the bloody

dragon. I've had some. I feel fine. Let's move on. Fucking hell, not all of

it! You've eaten all of it! Yes, so in my life, I've had even more drugs than

you, and I still think it's pathetic.

I told you to keep that on the down low.

He looks federal.

So while I tried to work out what federal meant, Simon was experiencing

moshing for the first time, which is a bit like being beaten up to music.

This is so fucking cool!

Yeah, fucking cool! Easy, mate.

Oh, a bit aggressive, but cool.

Simon, you're going to mosh and I'll crush you! All right, that's what we do,

is it?

Back at my Mensa meeting, things were starting to happen. Tuesday then, yeah?

Are you all right, Neil?

You're dribbling.

Yeah, thanks.

You can have it back Tuesday.

When it came to killing off brain cells, Neil had very little room for manoeuvre.

Meanwhile, Tara, being a combination of stoned and concussed, was working in

Simon's favour.

Is your nose OK?

My nose is OK, but I still feel a bit queasy.

If I see the boat that did it, I'll...

Grr, you know.

You're what?

Dunno. Did you say grr?

I think I did.

Oh, grr!

Like a tiger?

I'm Tony the Tiger.

Grr! Grr!

More! Grr!

Grr! I'm sure pretending to be a big cat or a slow-moving robot wasn't the

standard reaction to doing drugs, but I would have taken either of those over

what was going on in my head. I don't want to sound mental, but I'm starting

to feel a bit like I'm in a bubble.

Is this what being high is?

Do you feel like you're in a thick bubble?

No, it's cold. I feel pretty nice. Like, up, but down, but chilled, but, like,

ready to do it. Oh, God, this isn't good.

I feel unusual.

Why did you let me eat it?

Why? My arms feel odd.

Oh, just shut up. Enjoy it.

Jay, I think I'm going wrong.

Time is going by.

Really, really, really, really slowly.

You need to call an ambulance right now because I can't use the phone, my arms

don't work and my hands are sausages.

Fuck off.

Jay, I'm serious.

We feel miles away.

I think I might be dying.

What if I'm a dead person?

Please call an ambulance.

I can't call an ambulance because they'll bring the fucking police and

I'll get done for dealing.

And with looks like this, if I go to prison, my anal virginity won't last a

day. But... My hands... I'm not calling an ambulance. Stop being a baby and just

ride it out.

Oh, God.

Neil! Neil!

You've got to help me. Everything is going flat, and I think I might be dead.

Huh?

Help me!

I'm getting random arm movements!

Sleepy time.

Sleepy time.

So I couldn't rely on Neil.

But I knew one thing for sure. I had to stop my fucking arms.

Can I say something?

I don't know, can you? You just did, so probably yes.

OK, clever clogs, can I do something?

Depends what it is.

Tara, what did you want to do?

Oh, this.

My hair feels sick.

It's got to be the joint. I shouldn't have done it.

Right, maybe stick your fingers down your throat, try and get it all up, and

then we can go again.

Yeah, I think I can make it to the toilet. Don't move.

Listen, Simon, this is very important information.

Call an ambulance and tell them I'm in a bubble and everything is very flat.

I'm a bit busy here, Will. Can you look after yourself? I can't stop my arms.

Look how random my arms are.

Look, I'm in here, Will. Can you please fuck off?

Didn't make it.

I needed help.

Jay was useless, Neil was getting an early night, and Simon was too busy

licking vomit off Tara's tonsils.

Thanks a lot, guys. Cheers. I really needed help.

How could I get help?

Hello?

Hello, everyone.

Can somebody call me an ambulance?

Because I'm in trouble.

Time is moving really, really slowly and everything is flat.

I need you to call me an ambulance or failing that, my mummy.

I really want my mummy because, and I'm not being dramatic, but I think I

might be dead.

Is that clear?

Mummy or ambulance?

I don't remember the details of that night especially well, but I do know

that despite their love of violence, the bouncers were surprisingly kind to me.

Which could only mean I looked proper mental.

Are you sure it was just cannabis you took? I ate it.

I'm really sorry.

Is my mummy coming?

Can you make my arms stop?

We'll do our best.

Someone called an ambulance and they're taking him away?

Oh, fucking Jesus, oh no.

It wasn't me that sold it, right? Not me.

Oh shit, the blue lights!

It's an ambulance!

That's what they want you to believe!

It had been a week of firsts. Our first gig, our first drugs, the first time we

had to admit Jay had delivered on one of his bullshit claims, Simon's first

actual girlfriend, and the first time I'd spent two days in bed, silently

crying and trying to make the walls stop moving.

If you really want some understanding...

You will learn it can be quite frustrating If you really want to

understand it You will learn it can be quite demonic