Original subtitles

My name is Will McKenzie, and my first year in state education has been an

unqualified success.

And by unqualified, I mean I've failed all my exams.

That said, I have made three friends. Yep, three whole friends in one year.

And they're the sort of friends everyone should have.

Ones that are so tragic, they almost make someone like me... Feisty one you

are! ...look normal.

But things were going to be different this year. For one, Jay could now drive,

meaning we had a choice of which shit-embarrassing car we got to lift to

school in.

Simon's was more yellow.

But Jay's was more dangerous.

Morning, benders.

Jump in the minge-mobile.

Strange thing to call your mum's car.

Jay driving us to school really did make me feel like royalty.

Unfortunately, the royalty I felt like was Princess Diana.

Roundabout, Jay!

Get away to the fucking left!

Stupid old bint. I think that's the right, mate.

Is it?

Oh, yeah, that does sound familiar.

What's that in your ear?

Oh, it's a piercing.

It's just a stud for now, but my dad's minded me a diamond to put in it. Cool.

Hang on. Have you had the left ear pierced?

Yes. You know the one you get pierced to show you're gay?

Fuck off!

Oh, yeah, that is the gay one.

Well, there's a quick way to tell, Neil. Which ears your dad got pierced?

Neither, cos he's not bent. Of course not. Well, which ear's gay?

I'm the last person to ask. I thought you knew everything.

Well, I don't know any men who've had their ears pierced cos I went to a

private school.

Why have you had that done, anyway?

Oh, I like to keep my look fresh.

Plus, I'll probably need it for the fashion show tomorrow.

Oh, yes, the school charity fashion show, where only people deemed good

-looking enough by other good-looking people get to take part and raise money.

Well, there's going to be special guests.

Special guests?

Oh, I wonder who that's going to be. Maybe Beyonce and Jay-Z, the Obamas?

Look, I don't give a shit what you think about it, because when I'm up there

modelling, I'll have my pick at a snatch.

Everyone knows that male models get all the pussy.

I didn't know they asked you to model, Jay.

Well, I haven't yet, and I haven't asked anyone.

I think they have.

Well, I'm telling you they haven't because no one's asked me. But it's

tomorrow. Are you deaf?

I've not been asked. I'll be the first in line for any modelling work. Look at

me.

Well, I've been asked.

Fuck off!

Carly's one of the organisers and she's asked me to model. You?

Who wants a model that looks like a spotty baby crossed with a Statue of

Liberty? Statue of Liberty? His hair.

Oh, yeah. It was hard to know where Jay got the idea he should be a male model.

It seemed like it just stemmed from a sense of thinking Simon was

spectacularly ugly.

Seriously, what clothes are going to look better on you than me?

Apart from a paper bag for your fucking head. Brilliant. Shall we give it a rest

now, Jay?

Good morning.

Shut up and let's get this over with.

Right. Wait a minute.

Cartwright? What is that?

It's a stud, sir.

I don't mean the earring.

Take it out or I will rip it out. But what about my human rights?

You have to be human for those to apply cartwright. Out. Now.

Right. I'm sure that most of you will remember Alastair Scott.

Yes, Sutherland? I don't. You sat next to him in registration for four years?

Oh, well... Well, thankfully, after a tough year, they found a donor and he's

finally on the mend.

In preparation for his return to school, he's coming in at lunchtime to answer

any questions you may have about his illness and... Yes, Sutherland?

Can I catch it? No. You cannot catch kidney failure.

Mackenzie, my office. Ten minutes.

What's Gilbert want?

Probably wants me to act as a chaperone for that Alistair kid.

Poor guy.

Imagine what he's been through.

He's a dick.

Jay? What? He is a dick.

I never liked him when he was well, I never liked him when he was ill, and I

don't like him now he's getting better.

Simples. Oh, he was all right.

Oh, he wasn't. He was a complete bellend. He was worse than briefcase.

Thanks very much.

Look, he's had a hugely traumatic time. Maybe he's changed.

He's not going to have got more interest in an hospital bed attached to a drip

for a year, is he? What a sympathetic view of a life-threatening illness.

And he used to stink.

I'm not going.

Oh, come on, Jay, there might be sausage rolls.

Why would there be sausage rolls?

We had sausage rolls when my nan died. He's not dead, Neil.

Isn't he?

Well, he still might have sausage rolls, though.

Fine, fuck it, I'll come.

But I'm warning you, he's a dick.

If Jay thought Alistair was a dick, he was almost certainly a nice bloke.

Unlike Mr Gilbert.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Want is an overstatement.

I'm putting you in charge of collecting the money for tomorrow's fashion show.

The last time they had a collection for charity, nearly half the money went

missing, and then the organisers started turning up in new trainers.

Well, sir, whilst I'm really pleased that you think I'm trustworthy enough

to... Oh, it's not that.

I just know that if anything did happen, I could break you.

Right. Well, the thing is, I object to the fashion show on a moral level.

I'm sorry. It's not about raising money. It's a popularity parade.

It's just the self-elected attractive people using charities as an excuse to

show off.

Well, this is a first.

As it happens, Mackenzie, I agree with you. You do?

Yes. Great. So you understand why I'd rather not compromise my principles?

Yes, I do. Totally.

Unfortunately for you, it's not the First World War.

you can't conscientiously object.

So, you either collect the money or it's detention, starting now and continuing

indefinitely. But... you said you agreed with me. Yes, I know.

It's a tricky one, isn't it?

OK, fine, I'll do it. But I'm still exercising my right to protest.

Good. Just make sure it's not a dirty protest like the last one.

Just as a stopped clock gives the correct time twice a day, once a term

Neil gets something right.

Told you there'd be sausage rolls.

Look at him.

Fucking milking it. Jay?

He's in a wheelchair.

He was always a bit lazy, though. I don't think it's that, Neil. Why's Carly

finding him so funny?

I mean, what can he be saying that's so funny? He was never funny.

Um, excuse me, everyone.

Quiet. I want to talk.

I wanted to say super thanks to everyone who's given up their time to take part

in the fashion show tomorrow to raise money for a new dialysis machine for St.

Margaret's. Especially all the sexy girls.

Did you just say super thanks?

Well, nobody told me we was raising money for that twat. Might think twice

about modelling tomorrow now. You're not modelling anyway.

Oh, it's going to be a gash-a-rama. I'm going to try getting a job helping out

backstage, so that way I get to see some close-up flange, but for charity.

Hi, Simon. You come to the rehearsal after school? Yeah, of course. How much

rehearsal does it take to walk up and down in a straight line wearing clothes?

It's more for timings and stuff, really.

Do you need any helpers, Carly?

Oh, brilliant, we do, actually. Hardly anyone has volunteered and we really

need people to help get the models dressed.

Christ, I knew they were stupid.

Can't they even dress themselves?

It's for the quick changes, actually.

Whip one outfit off and another one on. If you're sure you don't mind, Neil. Are

you joking?

Great, thanks.

Hey, guys. Everybody cool?

Hi, I'm Will, by the way. I'm relatively new. Are you the kid who shit himself in

the exam?

Nice to meet you, too. Now, I was wondering if you and I could have a

little chat about some other ways to raise money, ways that could include

everyone, the whole school, whatever they look like?

Yeah, could do, only you're not as pretty as Carly, so I think right now

I'm going to go and chat to her, yeah.

See you.

Carly! Carly!

Dick. You don't think him and Carly are... Nah.

Nah. If they are, I bet he's really good at it.

Brilliant. Oh, I'm going to have to go. I've got a missed call from Ralph

Lauren.

Didn't even ring, did it?

I'm well excited. Imagine the birds I'm going to get to see as a dresser. It's

not top international models, Neil. It's just a load of the girls from school

that you see every day.

Yeah, but I think I'd fancy them a lot more if I saw them naked.

I'll say this for Neil. At least his ambitions were simple. See tits and or

fanny. Jay's were a lot more unrealistic.

Um, Carly, can I have a word?

I'm a bit busy. What's up?

I was just wondering if you needed any more models for tomorrow?

No, we're fine.

Good, good.

I don't know if you noticed, but I've had my ear pierced.

Oh, right.

So do you think you can fit one more in now? Well, no, because you've only got a

certain amount of clothes.

Well, I could wear my own clothes.

We're probably OK.

So I'm, like, first reserve, then?

Well, we haven't really got any reserves, so sort of no.

Cool, cool, cool.

Simples.

How about a free ticket instead?

Well, it's for charity, so there aren't really any free tickets. Yeah, nice one,

Carl. I'll catch you later, yeah? So Jay had a size zero chance of becoming a

model, but Simon was practising hard.

Simon's my best friend.

This bloke is my best friend.

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

Spying on me?

Spying? Is that how you get your kicks?

It's all right. It's just I think we've found the new David Beckham. Right,

that's it.

That is it.

I'm sick of you people.

I'm leaving.

You're not going out now. You've got school tomorrow.

Yeah, run away at the weekend when you've got your car back.

Well, I'm not spending another second in this house with you utter twats.

Where are you going?

Paris or Milan?

Fuck off!

He's just like Naomi Campbell.

So Simon was well on his way to becoming a supermodel. He had the temperament,

now all he needed was bulimia and a cocaine addiction.

The next night was the fashion show, and I realised in my role as doorman, I had

the perfect opportunity to ruin everything for everyone.

I'm not saying don't give to charity.

Do give to charity.

I'm just saying you can give without supporting this egotistical vanity fest.

My daughter is one of the models.

Then you've failed her.

What? God, five pounds, please.

Well, I think it's so great that you're helping out. I knew you'd come round. I

don't come round. I still feel exactly the same about this sham popularity

parade. You're being such an arse. What is wrong with you?

Alistair nearly died. God!

Carly, what did you say to her? Nothing.

Maybe a small dose of the truth.

Will, seriously, you have to stop cock-blocking with all this principled

shit. Simon, if Nelson Mandela hadn't stood up for his beliefs, where would we

be now?

We wouldn't have Nelson's column for a start.

Yes, we would. I'd better have a piss before this starts.

And a poo, Si. What have you done?

Just my new look. What, the Pat Butcher look?

I'd say more Pirates of the Caribbean.

Exactly. If the Pirates shopped at Matalan.

Yeah, well, you won't be laughing when I'm getting all the pussy cos I'm up on

the catwalk.

You're not going to be on the catwalk. You are modelling.

On first reserve.

What, in case the models fancy themselves so much they actually eat

themselves? Oh, you would if you could, though.

What? Suck yourself off. That's not what I meant.

Yeah, but I bet you've tried it.

We all have. I managed to lick the tip once, but it took a lot of stretching.

Twice a day for a couple of weeks. Well, thanks for sharing, Neil. Right, I've

got to go. I'm desperate for a piss.

Neil may have had dirty stretching powers, but what he really needed was X

-ray vision.

Oh, what the fuck is this?

It's a curtain.

Where's all the birds? I thought there'd be wall-to-wall parents hanging here.

Presumably they're on the other side of the curtain. Well, why have they done

that? We can't see them getting undressed now. For that exact reason,

Neil. Oh, fucking bollocks. That's a spanner to my plan.

There's got to be a hole.

Come on, you're going to be getting my clothes ready. Yeah, I think this is a

little bit more important.

You ready to go here, Simon?

Yeah, nearly ready. Great. We're having an after-party in the common room later.

Mark Donovan's got some booze, so you'll come to that, yeah? Oh, yeah, obviously.

Amazing.

I was washing my hands and it splashed back onto my lap.

It's fine. Just make sure that everything is spotless at the runway,

yeah?

I'm really sorry.

It's OK.

I've got a run. There's still a million things to deal with.

Oh, Neil, do you know which boys are dressing?

Boys? I thought I was dressing the girls.

No, of course not. You and Mr Kennedy are dressing the boys. You're the only

volunteers. See you later.

Oh, no.

Peter Kennedy?

I suppose at least if you run out of space, you'd better hang the clothes on

the end of his red cock.

So, no naked girls for Neil, just a sexual predator in a waistcoat.

Meanwhile, I was having difficulty convincing proud parents to join my

boycott. Charity, not vanity!

Hello, stranger.

Charlotte. Hi.

Charlotte. Here.

Yeah, good spot.

Yes. Ha!

No, I mean, what are you doing here?

Well, I had a reading week, so I thought I'd come home.

I didn't know this was your sort of thing. You know, fashion.

Oh, it's not. I think it's shit and everyone taking part in it is a vain,

talentless twat.

I'm in it. Apart from you.

And maybe Si.

Why did no-one tell me you're in it?

Well, I didn't know if I could make it, so they put me down as, like, a special

guest or something really embarrassing, just cos I once did some catalogue

modelling.

Underwear? No.

You are going to come watch me, though, aren't you? Even though I'm a talentless

twat. Oh, yeah. No, no, I was only joking about that. Oh, yeah, no, I'm

really behind this whole thing, taking the money, helping set it up. Why are

you trying to ruin this event, Mackenzie? Good timing.

Do you think kidney patients like me should die? Is that it?

No. Come on, mate. That's a bit extreme.

Is he trying to stop you coming in, too?

No, I'm one of the models.

Oh, you must be Charlotte.

Oh, wow's a rooney.

Are you aware this weasel's trying to stop people giving money to charity?

Well... No, that's not entirely correct.

Look, Alistair, why don't we go and have a chat about this somewhere different,

eh? No, let's talk about it here. Wasn't a request.

See you later, Charlotte.

What are you doing? Are you trying to wheel me away?

This thing's got brakes, you know, you can't just roll me off. You're trying to

sabotage this event.

I won't stand for it.

No, I won't stand for it.

I won't.

This is my special day and you're trying to ruin it!

I'm going to go and get ready.

Well, I think I got away with that.

Brilliant. At the school fashion show, Simon's big moment almost arrived, and

Neil didn't give a shit. Neil, can you give me a hand, please?

Oh, mate, this is like torture. I spent the last week thinking about the

snatches back there. I'm in a rush, Neil. I reckon Sarah Bell's got lovely

big nipples, and I bet Jo Larkin shaves her pubes. We can hear you, you pervert.

Who said that? It's on your curtain. We can hear everything you're saying. Shit.

He's really sorry.

all of those voices.

It's Simon Cooper.

Do something, Neil.

Abby, get Sarah Bell's nipples.

Right, that's it. I'm getting a teacher.

Shit. Thanks, Neil. Good job.

All right, you've sanded the ponce. What's going on here, then? Neil's

getting me shit.

They've got a curtain up so we can't see the clunge. It's totally sexist. Ah, the

crafty fuckers.

They tried this when we did the school play. We just cut a hole in the curtain

and stuck our knobs for it. It was well horny. We was getting noshed off in

between scenes. We can still hear you. And that never happened.

Simon, you're on, hon.

It's models only back here. Yeah, but look.

Two. The left one looks infected. Please hurry up, Simon. You're on next.

Can someone just help me with my fucking cufflinks, please?

All right, precious.

I'll help you.

But if you haven't got them on in 30 seconds, I'm going out there in your

place. No, your girl said there was some sort of problem back... Oh.

Come on. We'd better get you out of these clothes.

But, sir, I'm not modelling.

Oh.

You should be.

So as Neil tried to swerve the advances of a man who it seemed incredible the

school continued to employ, the world's least stylish fashion show got underway.

Our first collections theme is Glamorous Nights, and it's put together, in

correct tense, by Carly D'Amato.

Modelling, that should be two L's, these gorgeous outfits are the equally

gorgeous, Christ, who wrote this?

Stephen DeBell, Richard Murray and Simon Cooper.

I'm not sure what the word for the opposite of cool is, but I think I know

what it looks like.

Sadly, I couldn't enjoy Simon's dreadful modelling for long. I had a two-wheeled

nightmare on my case.

Mackenzie!

You try anything like that again, I will... Asda, I think we got off on the

wrong foot.

Is that meant to be a joke about the chair?

I can walk, you know. I just get tired easy. No, no, no, it's not that. I think

we just differ on ways to raise money. I happen to think that this is exclusive

and about vanity.

And I happen to think you're a wanker.

It's not very mature, is it?

Even in this chair, I could kick your arse. I could kick your arse right in.

How?

Let's not make a scene. Come on!

Hey! You're mental!

It's mental! Fuck you!

Well, you've got to help me. Hi, sexy.

I was supposed to be modelling with Paul Keenan, but he got so nervous he drank a

bottle of vodka and passed out in the staff toilets.

Please, will you take his place?

Me?

Erm... He won't do it. He thinks it's exclusive vanity.

Right. No, he's talking shit. It's the painkillers. Of course I'll do it.

Great. What?

You hypocrite!

Ow! OK, right, you. Time for sleep.

Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Come on.

Is he okay?

Yeah, he's fine. He gets very grumpy when he's tired.

Yes, this is going really well.

Amazingly, no cock up so far. Oh, well done. You've mastered walking like a

knob and looking like a dick at the same time. This is actually enjoyable.

In an I'm shitting myself kind of way. If you shit yourself in them trousers, I

ain't touching them. Of course I haven't. You walk like you have. Neil,

quick. I need help getting dressed.

You are dressed. No, dressed into something else. This. For the fashion

show. I'm modelling in the fashion show.

Well, that's not happening. I'm first reserve.

No, no.

What's up with you? I thought this was the worst sort of vanity.

Yeah, well, I've changed my mind. Somebody pulled out and Charlotte asked

me to fill in. So give me the clothes.

Oh, right, now it makes sense. One flash of Charlotte's tits and your morals go

out the window. Well, we can discuss my morals later, after I get these fucking

jeans on. God, they're tight.

I mean, it can't be comfortable to walk around in jeans this tight every day,

can it? Here, let me help.

What is this fucking banging out of order?

On first reserve? It was me Charlotte wanted. She chose me. That's the only

reason I'm doing it. Yeah, well, they'll be sorry.

I'll show them. Columbine massacre show them or futile gesture show them?

Whatever's worse.

Um, Neil, you just brushed my penis there. Yeah.

That's the second time. Yeah, I know.

Of course, the only reason I was taking part in the fashion show was to get my

penis brushed, but by Charlotte, not Neil.

Oh, I don't want to get ready so quickly.

Exciting, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Look, I just wanted to say, I'm really pleased

you picked me. It means a lot.

Didn't have a choice, really, did I?

Didn't you?

No, we had to find someone to fit the clothes, and I was like, who do I know

that's really short?

Oh. And then, obviously, I thought of you.

Is that really the reason?

No, not really.

Then let me choose who I wanted, and I chose you.

Oh, thanks, Charlotte.

Although it did have to be someone short.

Right. And the next theme is 70s disco.

Oh, brilliant.

I'm a principled man, and one of those principles turns out to be I'll do

literally anything a girl I fancy asks me to.

All right, I'm willing to admit I also got a bit carried away.

But they do say a woman can tell a lot about what a man's like in bed from the

way he dances.

Which meant that if I did pull Charlotte, she'd be expecting surprising

enthusiasm, a lot of finger work, and an abrupt stop when I remembered where I

was.

Meanwhile, backstage, Neil was finally experiencing some job satisfaction.

Oh, fucking hell, we're lost.

Simon, there's been a slight change of plan.

Chris Yates was meant to be wearing this for my sexy finale, but he's just taken

off his shirt and his back is disgustingly hairy, so I sacked him. I

thought this was for charity.

You know when you get loads of hair caught around the plug hole in the bath

and it gets all matted and wet?

Yeah? Yeah, well, his back looked like that. It nearly made me vomit, so he's

sacked. Anyway, it means that I need you to wear this instead for the sexy

finale.

Are they Speedos?

Simon, you've been brilliant all night. Plus, you've got a great body.

Please? For me?

Of course. Thanks.

See you out there. You've got one minute.

This is so fucking unfair.

So I'm not even second reserve now? Who's she going to ask next? Big job!

Well, do you want to wear the Speedos?

No!

Oh, what's the point?

Ah! Oh, mate, your ear don't look great. It's covered in pus.

Oh, fucking hell, I'd better get this looked at.

Good luck, boner. Try not to get a stiffy in them Speedos.

He's right. You're in trouble, Si. I nearly shot my bolt just looking at her

and all she was doing was standing there being moany. Did you hear what she said?

She thinks I've got a great body. If I could just do this one thing for her,

who knows what could happen? I know. You'll get a boner in front of the whole

school and in speedos there is no hiding it. Trust me.

I'll sit here a couple of minutes.

I can do it.

I can do this.

Simon, are you ready yet?

Can you give me a hand, Neil?

Nah, you're alright.

It was so amazing, so brilliant. I could not have done it without you. How was

it? He was brilliant!

Was he?

Yeah, he was all like, yay!

Yay!

It wasn't entirely yay.

Come on, Simon, we're on.

Are you all right? Please don't distract me.

Simon was concentrating so hard on not getting a boner that his oblivious talk

can only be described as quite a serious wardrobe malfunction.

I love that. Seriously, thank you, Will. I'm so grateful.

Oh, it was nothing. Just what was left of my dignity.

Oh, come on, it wasn't that bad.

And what other guy would have done that for me?

I mean, uni's great, but there's no one there like you. Shut up. No, seriously.

All I want is a boyfriend like you. I mean, you're funny and you're sweet and

you're kind to me. I think I'd be happy if I had someone in my life just like

you.

Well, what about me?

No, no, not you. No, no, someone like you.

You're so funny.

Not you, obviously.

Come on, lovely, let's go for a drink. No,

I'm OK, thanks.

I'll just wait here, I think. OK, come on.

Nice one, twat face. Good dancing.

All that whining and complaining for what? Nothing. You're what they call a

sanctimonious prick.

Yes, well, good to talk to you again, Al. Is that all?

No.

I hope one day you get serious on this too.

Oh, fuck off, Alistair, you dick!

You're a dick!

You're a dick!

You were great. Yeah, a bit of a weird reaction. It wasn't meant to be funny,

it was meant to be glamorous.

You're a dick! No, you're a dick! You're a dick! Come on, calm down.

Don't spoil a good evening.

We've put on a great show and we've raised a hell of a lot of money, haven't

we, Carl's? You know your testicle's sticking out. What?

Is that why everyone was laughing?

Has it been out the whole time?

Oh, my God, you've been walking behind me, mocking me.

You've ruined my big night. I thought you liked me, you arsehole. Hey, hey,

Carlos, it's all right. It's cool. Come on. Look, Carly, listen, please. That

was fun. You looked super sexy.

A bit overdramatic.

It's only a bollock. Fucking hell, I'm going to kill Neil.

Didn't you feel a draft?

Yeah, it was tingling, but I thought it was nerves.

Oh, God, do you think people saw?

Yes. It was eye level for most of the audience.

Oh, God, no!

No! I suppose you thought that was funny, did you?

Well, your little joke's got you in a lot of trouble.

Honestly, it wasn't a joke.

No, there is nothing funny about testicles, Cooper, as you'll discover

tomorrow in my office.

What?

Sorry, sir, that sounds a bit weird.

No, it didn't.

See me tomorrow.

It did sound weird. And talking of weird... Right, then, let's get you out

of these clothes.

Sir, I told you, I'm not modelling.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You are.

You are. I had word with the man.

The man said... The show finished ten minutes ago.

Oh.

You've been drinking, sir.

Come on, Tom. Let's go and get you some fresh air.

Putting my fucking neck on the line with you, John. So we headed home.

Simon haven't learned at least one thing.

Never put on Speedos in a rush.

I mean, why'd you agree to wear it in the first place?

Carly told me to. Even with your whole sack covered, you'd look ridiculous.

Speedos, DMs, top hat and a leash.

What maniac designed that?

Who thought, you know what's fashionable?

Dressing like an upper-class mental patient.

Hi. Did you get that boner then, Si?

No. Oh, well done. But my left bollock was sticking out the entire time.

Fucking hell, I'm lucky.

I blame you.

All right, guys.

How's your ear, Jay?

Perfect. That's why I got to wear this massive bandage. I suppose that's your

modelling career, fuck, then. He never had a modelling career.

Yeah, but I'm not bothered, cos I fucked the nurse that looked after me. The St

John's ambulance lady?

Yes. Isn't she Warren Dunkley's nan?

No, there was another one that looked like Lucy Pinder. Of course there was.

Are we going to this party, then? I'm definitely not going.

Normally, I think I'd burst into tears.

Oh, what, cos you're so unpopular?

No, Neil, because of Charlotte.

Oh, what happened with her, then? She basically told me I had no chance at

all, ever. Yeah, well, I told you that.

Yeah, but funny enough, it hurt more coming from her.

You know I snogged her once?

No, I did not know that!

I could have sworn I told you. I think I would have remembered such crushing

news. Oh, well, don't worry, it was after you. That makes it worse. Yeah,

now it's like a betrayal, too.

Was it just a snog?

Neil, please!

Yeah, of course, mate, of course. Just a snog. Well, that's something.

I'd learned a few things that week myself.

None good or bad.

Jay's driving is worse than his fashion sense.

Neil is catnip for pedos. Just because you've only got one kidney doesn't mean

you're not a total dick.

And Simon has extremely hairy balls.

I'm singing and I'm singing Why can't I stay like this?