Original subtitles

Greetings, muggles.

Oh, my fucking god, he fell for it. I told you, it's not really fancy dress,

you dick.

Oh, what?

No way.

These are the jokers from my course I was telling you about. You lot.

Although, technically, I didn't fall for it, as there's no way I could have

known. Whoa, where do you think you're going?

Into the party.

You're dressed like Harry Potter.

There's no way you're coming in here, you fucking plum.

You could at least have come as someone sexy.

Mine is sexy.

What a twat.

Mental.

Guys?

Guys? Oh, piss off, Harry.

Well, this is a disaster.

I've come down from Sheffield for this.

It's okay.

We'll still have a good weekend.

Oh, there's a pub I love just down the road. I'm wearing a gym skirt.

It's a student town. No one will care.

And no pants.

Right-o.

Right, Si.

Nudges. Who the fuck? Sorry, sorry. I'm so sorry.

Fuck me, what a waste of a weekend.

I thought you said they were your best mates at uni?

Yeah. Don't worry, I've found us some mates. I've got this amazing app called

Grindr. Made loads of new mates through it.

Oh my gosh, you never guess what.

Someone's immediately sent you a penis shot? Nah, just got an email from Jay.

No way. Wait, listen to this.

Dear Neil, you fucking weapon.

As you know, I'm on a mental gap year in Australia.

As they say over here. So I thought I'd email you. Not because I miss you lot,

but because this place is a million out of ten and you'll be well, Jill.

Life has never been better.

It's certainly much better than when I was going out with Jane, who I now no

longer think about.

I'm living near a town called Sydney and working at the most mental club in

Australia called Revolutions.

I am now their premier number one DJ.

The name of DJ Big Penis, which everyone agrees is the perfect name.

I've made so much cashola, which is Australian for money, that I've bought

myself a fuck-off mansion and filled it full of pussy.

And like Will's mum's appetite for cock, it's enormous.

Before that, I was living with my uncle Brian, who's my dad's cousin, although

he is tragic and obviously not as cool as my dad.

What's that?

Anyway... It will come as no surprise to you the number of Aussie birds I'm

rooting, which is Australian for knobbing.

They're total filth and fuck like kangaroos. All big teeth, bouncing and

wet pouches.

I make love to them with a technique I like to call the one-punk orgasm.

They absolutely love it.

Name an Aussie bird and I fucked her.

Elle Macpherson, check.

Dame Edna Everidge, check.

Kylie and Danny Minogue freeway.

I've done that ten minutes after getting off the plane.

And mates.

I've made loads of cool new mates who come round for dinner and that. But

really, it's all about the birds.

Aussie sheilas just can't get enough of Jay.

Especially the supermodels.

Who, by the way, love it up the shitter.

I've been woken up by a blowjob from a different girl every single morning.

You can imagine what that's like.

Waking up every morning to a blowy.

They keep it so clean, I haven't had to wash my cock in weeks.

Basically, everything's better than when I was with Jane, who, as I mentioned, I

no longer think about.

On the minor side, I've had to punch out a few koala bears, normally when they

drop out the trees and try to fight me.

Bug!

Bug it!

But other than that, it's been Bonza, which is Australian for fucking

brilliant. Come and stay any time you like. I guarantee I'll get you sucked

drier than Simon's mum's fanny.

Say hello to those other two dozy pricks if you see them. Tell your Ben Daddy

still can't bum me.

Oh, and tell your fit sister that I'd like to... Oh, no, come on. What does it

say? It says I'd like to chew on those massive juicy burger nipples of hers,

reach my thumb round and... Oh, no, that's too much.

Oi, get off!

Oi!

Oh, there's more?

Flip her over.

What's a lovely email? Spill it down her face, over her back.

Clunge, wellies, anal, anal, anal. This goes on a bit, doesn't it?

Australia sounds like a right laugh. Not like hanging out with you two.

I wish I'd gone to Australia this weekend instead of shitty Bristol.

You do know Australia's on the other side of the world?

Doubt it. Excuse me, mate. You all right?

Alas, something decent.

Is this seat taken?

Oh, yes. Sorry, it is.

Have you got any friends at university?

Of course I have, Simon. I'm just lucky that I've managed to not get tullied

down to a clique or a group, meaning I'm free to hang out with anyone and

everyone. Or no one.

Coming from the man who changed universities just to be with his

girlfriend. I've got mates other than Lucy.

Pete, for one.

Who's Pete?

Pete from my halls. I must have mentioned Pete.

Pete. Pete, my best mate.

My best mate at uni.

I mean, I do spend a lot of time with Lucy, although she has changed a bit

since we were on holiday.

And, well, what's the word when someone's not nicer?

Nastier? Yeah, I think that's it. Maybe.

She's nastier.

Right. Out.

You're barred. Barred?

What? Why?

That.

So we're all on the same page. That's me, Will McKenzie, seemingly Bristol

University's least popular undergraduate.

And that's my friend Simon, who's got university relationship problems of his

own. Who's this fucking slut, Kirsty Scott?

Lucy, are you on my Facebook again?

Goodbye, whore.

Simon, swear on your hoodie you're not going to cheat on me.

What? Oh, no, please, Lucy, that's my favourite.

Lucy. Sorry, Simon, but I just have to be sure.

I just love you so much.

I love you too, Cuddles.

And finally, there's Neil.

At least he's made a new friend.

Master.

I don't know what brand of shower gel Neil uses, but I suspect it might be

Pedigree Charm.

And as we headed back to my room, if I'd assumed watching some low-level

bestiality would be the low point of my night, I was wrong.

Oh, not again.

Is your room in space?

Thank you, arseholes.

I've done a pretty good job, to be fair.

I fucking hate it here.

To be honest, I'm glad I chose not to do uni.

More reality than a choice.

Exactly. Maybe we should go to Australia.

And surprise the fuck out of Jay.

I was joking.

Why? It's got to be better than hanging around old men's pubs and dressing up as

magic. Yeah, we've got four weeks off for Easter and I'm dreading spending it

with Lucy.

Can we afford it?

Well, they invented student loans so students could go on holiday.

And I've got a sweet bonus this month. Apparently I'm the cleverest non-Asian

in the department.

I suppose I have always wanted to go travelling.

I think I'd be really good at it. Do it properly. Not like Jay. How can you be

good at it? Well, he's staying in one place. I'd explore.

Meet people. Come back a better and more rounded person.

He's getting sucked off every morning.

Fuck it, I'm in.

So goodbye, shitty Bristol.

I was off to Australia.

Now, Petal, you know how much I worry, so I've got you a special holiday gift.

Oh, thanks, Mum.

It's a rape alarm.

What do you think is going to happen to me?

Well, Petal, I think you might get raped.

Right. Sweetie, I'm just saying, it's better to have a rape alarm and not need

it than to get gang-raped in an alleyway by men you may have, however innocently,

led on.

Ah, hello, everyone.

Hello, Kevin.

Are you sorry to see them leave?

Actually, as Handle Neil's going away, give me a chance to get some men in to

decorate his bedroom.

That's our flight.

I'm going to miss you, Betel.

Oh, no.

Yes, all right, get off.

Be very careful, soldier, OK?

Your mum looks fit when she cries. Thank you.

I bet she looked amazing when your dad left her.

Brilliant.

Off we went, running away from our problems.

All I knew about Australia was that if it could bite you, sting you, or eat you

alive, then it probably lived there.

But nothing had prepared us for the beauty of Sydney Harbour, and Neil was

particularly impressed.

What the fuck is that?

What? That fucking thing.

The Sydney Opera House? Nah, that thing, the spaceship.

The spaceship, there.

Well, that's the sightseeing done. We need to find this club.

Hang on, got signal now. Google map into the rescue.

It's this way.

No way, that just cost me 20 quid. Data roaming charges are pre-extortion at

broad nil. Why don't you stand still then?

That's not really how it works.

Another 20 quid? I'm not roaming now, you useless piece of shit. Just switch

it off, Nick.

Thanks a lot, Si. It's fucked now. Not sure that was strictly my fault.

We left the harbour to find Jay, to see if he really was getting sucked off

every morning.

Cannot wait to see DJ Big Penis Rock in the house.

No, nor can I.

Have you ever taken a backpack or a suitcase to a nightclub? No, of course

you haven't. Look as you're not a fucking idiot.

Hey!

Let me hear something.

We had nowhere to stay.

And surprisingly, Big Penis wasn't the club's premier number one DJ.

I don't get it. He said he worked here.

He also said he knocked out a koala and fucked him in the nose. Legend.

He's not here. We'll have to spend the night in a hostel.

One hostel's a bit pikey.

Hostels are how everyone does it, Simon. They're full of interesting people who

are travelling.

Like us. I don't know, Will. We went to visit my uncle Paul in a hostel when he

had cancer.

Wasn't very cool, if I'm being honest.

It also wasn't Arsenal.

Fine. If it's only one night, I suppose.

Yeah, at least there might be some sexy nurses there. There won't be.

Quick pizzle first.

That's it, sir. Wash your fingers for the mingers.

No Splash, no Gash, no Armani, no Panani, no Dolce & Gabbana, no Sucky or

Banana.

Jay! Jay!

Oh, fuck. Jay?

Don't think so, pal. The name's Bruce.

What? Shut up, Jay.

Sorry, fellas. I've never heard of this bloke, Jay.

Oh. It's clearly not him. Let's go. So you're not Jay? I told you it's Bruce,

you fucking drongo.

Have you got Jay's face?

Nah. And your sign says, Jay's pussy juice dollar a squirt.

Coincidence. Okay, what's happened to Jay? Is this a wind-up?

Course it's a bloody wind-up.

100% murked. The looks on your faces.

You prize bellends. I can't believe you fell for that.

We didn't. It is you, Jay. Epic pants.

All right, Neil, calm down.

Good to see you, man.

Yes, just to clear one thing up, though, you do work in a toilet, don't you? I

can see going to uni hasn't made you any less of a retard, because I don't work

in a fucking toilet.

Why are you working in a toilet, then?

It's a joke.

Don't worry, it probably went over your heads.

Whoosh.

I'll run this whole club. I'm my own boss.

Boss of the toilet. Well, drinks are on you, then.

What, now?

Yeah, now.

Yeah, great.

Perfect.

Jay's story made complete sense.

If I ran a nightclub, I'd definitely dress like a snooker player and hang out

in the toilets.

I cannot wait to hear all the mad bents you've been having. Oh, mate, the bents

in Australia are legendary.

Obviously, that's because I've been delivering most of the bents. I'm like

banter cloth.

I've got bents.

No, jeez.

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, my God!

What? You don't recognise me, do you?

Katie? Katie Evans from prep school. Oh, maybe you do remember.

I'll never forget that sleepover we had at Lloydy's house.

I don't remember that one. No, nor me. How amazing to see you. What an

incredibly small world.

I don't know. It seems like every kid from the home counties is out here doing

a gap year.

Yeah, what cliche.

So what are you up to?

I'm doing a gap year.

The standard, India once, India twice, love, heartbreak, silent retreat,

Thailand, scuba diving, broken foot, Nepal, volunteering, volcanoes,

Indonesia, healers, Reiki, cafes, tears, revelations, amazing people, amazing

conversations, unforgettable and life-changing experiences.

You? I'm visiting my friend who works in a toilet.

Oh, you always made me laugh, you nutter. What are you really doing?

Travelling. Out here for four weeks.

Oh, so you're on holiday.

No, shuffling, I think.

So what have you been up to about me, then? Must have been shit.

I've been at uni.

Nice, Ben. Neil, what about you? You been getting your dick wet?

I went swimming.

No, with fanny juice.

Oh, right. No, not really. I worked in a garage for a bit, now I'm working in a

bank. Oh, yeah, you know your cousin Michelle?

Yeah. I fingered her.

Neil. Tell me you're not staying in Sydney, are you? It's so banker.

No. I'm going to, um... Where is it you're going? Byron Bay. It is awesome.

I've got this job there selling these excursions, like whitewater rafting,

ziplining, Bundy.

I was actually just flyering to raise some cash for the bus tomorrow.

Oh, well, it's been nice to see you.

What? No, I haven't seen you in ages.

Why do you come to Byron?

You're inviting me.

Of course I'm inviting you.

Come to Byron. Look, you would love the vibe. It's so you. It's just totally

chill. Really, I'd love to, but I'll have to ask the others.

I'll convince them.

Is that them over there?

No, no, that's not them.

I'm sure my actual friends will be up for it. Yay, amazing!

Right, well, I will see you tomorrow then.

What? Nothing.

See you later, alligator.

Love it.

I'll see you on the bus tomorrow.

Who was that?

Katie Evans from junior school.

Definitely my first love.

That is well Jimmy Savile. She's just an old friend. That you want to have sex

with. I think she might want to have sex with me too.

She kissed me on the lips.

Tongues? No, but that don't count. My mum used to kiss me on the lips. Yeah,

when you were a child.

She couldn't have done it any other time. She ran off when he was ten.

My point is, girls don't kiss people on the lips. They don't fancy.

Nah, she's just one of those mouth-kissing girls. I've met loads of

them at uni.

Have you?

Well, I met one, then Lucy punched her. I'm not surprised that Briefcase has had

a sniff already.

Australia is the sex capital of the world.

That's why I'm here.

You know why they call it Down Under?

It's because that's where your face spends most of the time.

Banter? I spend plenty of time in the bush, Neil. The bush around the puss

-haze. Bants.

Check these out.

My new bants.

What's that word, bants? I'm the Archbishop of Banterbury. You're the

banterman of the opera. I don't get it. Whoosh.

Bant and Beck. Someone needs tickets to the banter mime. Eric Bant and I.

Just saying banter or bants over and over again is not a substitute for

actual amusing conversation, you know.

Briefcase banter.

Jay, what are you doing? The shift doesn't end for another four hours.

Good one, Lizzie. Get back to work.

I'll tell you what, you pretend to be my boss, it'll be hilarious.

Anyway, come on, we'll get a go. Take one step outside that door, you're

fucking sacked.

You mean you're sacked? I just sacked you.

Don't play the prick. You can't sack me. Just did, mate.

Anyway, I'll see you later. I've got to go home. Don't think we can't find

another bottom feeder to wipe piss off people's hands.

Good one, Lizzie.

I can't wait to see the mansion.

Can I have a room with a hot tub? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this is the mansion?

A tent in your uncle's front garden?

It's only temporary.

My new fuckpad is still under construction.

In your mind.

I can't believe I've traveled literally, and I mean literally, literally, halfway

around the world to spend a month in a two-man tent.

Jay!

You sweeped that veranda this morning?

Yes, Uncle Brian.

Who are these pale little bastards?

You butt-fucking boys in your tent.

No, Uncle Brian, these are my friends from England.

Simon and Neil.

And? And Will.

Uncle Brian.

Cousin Shane. How's Australia treating you fellas? Oh, what a place. So

interesting. Greatest fucking country on earth.

I keep telling Jay that he should move here, but he still won't. Too much of a

pussy, which is a shame, because we could do with some white immigration for

a change.

Right. Jay's been telling us all about the Sheilas he's been shagging. Has he?

Well, that's bullshit.

Closest this little run's come to some badgers when the dog dripped period down

his leg, and don't pretend you didn't get a boner.

Good one, Brian.

What's that?

Nothing, Uncle Brian.

Hey. Some nights for shits and giggles. Me and Shane, eh? Shine the torch

through the tent. We can see him sitting up, all silhouetted, like Mashnaway and

his little platypus.

You understand when I say platypus, I mean cock, right? Yeah.

And guess what? He's gone and dug a hole in the ground to fuck.

I'm just kidding.

It's a wormhole, because his dick's so small. Get it?

But I'm not kidding about the hole. He has got that, and a small dick, which he

fucks a hole in the ground with.

Right.

We should put our stuff in the tent.

Yeah, all right. I'll see yous later.

Hey, care if you don't fall in the flak hole.

He's nice, isn't he? He's all right. He's just... Australian?

Yeah. I'd say it's pretty obvious we can't stay in here for four weeks.

I propose we go travelling.

Oh, my gosh. Think of the Bents.

Well, if we're going travelling, there's only one place to go.

Ooh, Uluru?

The Great Barrier Reef? Fraser Island?

No, none of that boring shit.

Splash Planet?

I'm sorry?

Splash Planet?

The whole of Australia and you're suggesting we visit what I presume is a

water park?

If you hadn't spent the last six months at uni wanking off to Shakespeare, you'd

know that water parks are the ultimate place to fuck girls.

Top scientists have proved that the high water pressure on their clitties gives

them such a massive wide-on that when they get off the rides, they're gagging

for it.

No word of a lie.

Some word of a lie. Where have these scientists got their funding from? The

University of Sex?

Oh, fuck off. Oh, fucking leave me alone.

Can I not just have one fucking day without you abusing me?

Is that your mum?

No, Lucy.

Blurt my trainers.

You need to end it, Si.

I know.

I mean, I know.

Just get your dad to text her back and tell her you've died. That's what I

normally do. Right.

I think at least I need to tell her to her face.

My uncle's got Skype. You can go and dump the nightmare now.

Oh, that's unfair.

You don't know her. Although she is a fucking nightmare.

I'll do it, Si. No, it's all right. I'm going.

Wish me luck.

Bad luck.

Close enough.

Oh.

Hey, beer?

No, thanks.

Is it okay to use the computer?

Yeah, of course it is, mate.

Jay's always on there chubby chasing.

Hmm.

Okay, I've worked it out. We want to go travelling, you want to go to Splash

Planet, which means the best place to stay is here, Byron Bay.

Oh, where Mouthkiss Bird is.

It's 20 minutes outside Splash Planet, right on the beach, there's loads of

cool hostels, and it's an easy place to get jobs should we need the money. I've

always wanted to be a dolphin trainer.

Have you? You should go to Splash Planet. You'll definitely get that job

there. You won't, Neil.

Look, we're English, right? Just finishing school in England makes us ten

times cleverer than any Australian.

We're like doctors or rocket science blokes over here. You can get any job

you want. Even dolphin trainer?

Of course. You just turn up, tell them you're English.

I am 100% certain that is not how you get a job as a dolphin trainer.

Who's been living in Australia for months, eh?

Me. That's who. Yes.

In a tent.

You calling your mummy for a goodnight kiss?

Oh, no. I have to Skype my girlfriend.

You got a girlfriend?

Well done, mate. Looking at you. Oh, fancy. I'm amazed.

What's wrong with her?

Um, nothing.

Yeah, I'll be the judge of that. Gives a look at her.

Fuck me dead, she's gorgeous, mate.

Oh, right. Yeah, I suppose so.

Suppose. Mate, if that was my Sheila, I wouldn't leave her side.

You're getting married, right?

Um, no.

No? Fuck me. Look at that. Then look at you.

I mean, you could live to be a bee and you'd never get a root better than that.

You know, we sometimes argue a bit and we're quite young.

Cash your chips, mate.

That's the best you'll get ever.

At last, where have you been?

Haven't heard from you in days.

I've been on a plane.

That was yesterday, you fucking moron.

Look, I think we need to talk.

Checked your emails.

They're clean for now.

What's there to talk about?

Look, I wanted to say... Will you marry me?

What was that?

No, no, what it was. Simon?

No, what it was was... Say it again.

What, will you marry me?

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, my God, I thought you'd never ask. No, wait a minute, Lucy.

What? What?

Nothing.

Congratulations, mate.

There he is.

Yay!

Well,

I can't go back home now. She didn't take being dumped too well, then? Did

not dump her. Have agreed to marry her.

Oh, well done.

You bellend.

Genuine question, have I just fucked up my entire life?

Course not.

Just because you promise people stuff doesn't mean you have to do it.

I once told Comic Relief that I'd raise three million quid for them by selling

selfies of my cock. In the end, didn't bother. Right.

I mean, I'm not sure how that helps my situation.

Just make something up.

Look, the drive up to Byron tomorrow is about 12 hours. Well, think of

something. Drive?

I thought we were taking the bus.

Fuck that. I've got a car.

Boy off cousin Shane. And considering it's an awesome custom job, he done me a

great deal.

Let's sleep on it.

I'd really like to get the bus, but I'm sure we can reach a compromise.

Oh, right. You mean you're going to keep talking until we do what you want?

No.

Oh, I wouldn't sleep there, Simon.

So compromise reached. The next day we did what I wanted and headed to the bus

station, which was full of other cool people traveling to Byron Bay.

The Darien Gap is really all that's left of untouched jungle in the world.

I'm going to do South America. I might try it. Yeah, you don't really try it.

It's a five-day trek and you only sleep in hammocks. Man, I got the shit so bad,

they used up the whole group's medical supplies treating me.

It's so dangerous that most guides, they won't even take you. Yep, I found that.

Shame. So I just walked it by myself, unaccompanied.

Unaccompanied? I thought that was illegal.

It is, yeah.

But it's just, it's better that way because you meet the real locals and

there's none of that luxury bullshit like hammocks and medical supplies. So

if you do get the shits, or malaria, like I did, then you just get on with

it. Do you know what I mean?

Wow, what an experience.

Sounds incredible.

Amazing stuff.

I'm Will, by the way.

You know, I used to have long hair too. Not dreads, but pretty long.

Yep. Had it all cut just before we came out travelling.

Well, that's an interesting story.

Well, you made it.

Byron, here we come.

So you've met the rest of the gang, then? Yeah, yeah, we were just chatting

about South America and my experiments with hairstyles and shit. You know,

classic travelling shit. Well, I've got you that McFlurry and Jay says get a

fucking move on.

Oh, so are you guys travelling too?

Yeah. Yeah? It's my second foreign holiday in a year.

First we all went Malia. We went ironically.

It was brilliant. They had jet skis you could rent. Wow.

Do tell us more.

Well, they're like motorbikes without wheels, but on water, yeah.

Good one.

I'm Neil Sutherland, as it goes.

Ben. Is that your whole name?

No. Oh.

Does it matter? It's Ben Thornton Wild.

Which one?

What? Which one? Thornton or Wild?

It's Double Barrel.

Oh, so you just choose one depending on how you're feeling?

No, no, those are both my last name.

What?

Shut up. That is mental. Well, Bennu has got two last names, but it's actually

just one name. Have you heard of that?

Yeah. Yeah, I've heard of that.

Finally.

Are you coming, then? Me?

Oh, no.

I thought you were coming north with me.

Yeah, just not on the bus. My friends wanted to travel by car, so... So you've

been waiting at a bus station for ages in your backpack, even though you're

going by car?

That's a bit weird, isn't it?

Yeah. See you in Byron!

So off we went. We didn't know exactly how to get to Byron Bay, so we just

followed the bus that Katie was on.

Perhaps a little too closely.

She looks well freaked out. Do you think that might have anything to do with the

car? Doubt it.

Actually, I have a few questions about the car. Fire away.

One, just why did you buy it?

Arnie did a cool set of wheels and Shano did me a deal. Two, is Shano a big Peter

Andre fan?

Shano's not stupid. The birds love Peter Andre. I'm not sure anyone loves

anything enough to have sex with Shano.

What are you talking about?

He got so much anal in him, he had to hose down the footwell.

This is the classic Aussie shagging wagon. Is it? It's the fuck truck. The

mobile virgin conversion unit? Yeah, we should use it on Will.

Brilliant.

I can't wait to get a job training dolphins, even though it is pretty bad

how they're treated. Did you know all they feed them is raw fish?

Oh, that is grim.

I'd puke if all I ate was fish.

It's bang out of order. Imagine it, just raw fish.

Their diet is fish. Yeah, because that's all they're given.

But also because that's what they eat. It's so cruel, you know, no burgers, no

KFC, no Nando's on birthdays, nothing.

How would you like it?

Well, if all I ate was fish, I probably wouldn't mind it. All right, yes or no,

how would you like to just eat raw fish?

Well, if I was a dolphin. Yes or no?

Look, you can't compare us. Yes or no? These people are marine biologists. Yes

or no? It's not us. Only raw fish. Yes or no?

No. Correct.

Brian Bain, next left.

Finally, we made it to Byron Bay, and I've never seen anywhere like it. It was

buzzing with life.

Or, in Jay's opinion, absolutely round full of bellends.

But if there was one place where a car featuring Peter Andre and a pair of tits

wouldn't raise an eyebrow, it was the Arles Factory Lodge Hostel.

Okay, Jay, please park the car where no one can see it.

Nope.

Oh, Ben!

Ben, mate!

Man, I meant man. Oh, hey, guys, how's the holiday?

What's on the tourist itinerary for tomorrow?

Ha, that's funny, man. You know we're not tourists.

Splash planet. I'm gonna get a job working with dolphins.

I'm prepared to start at the bottom, work my way up. Like father, like son?

Is Dad spent?

Gonna begin with the easy stuff, you know, like cleaning out the cages and

that. So participating in the enslavement of animals.

Wow, have you guys even heard of ethically travelling?

Is that with Ryan Gosling?

Okay, we'll see you around.

Yeah, great.

When?

What? Oh, I just wondered when you'd see us around.

Have you had a good time?

It's a vigorous speech. Cool.

Catch you later, mate.

Mate. Man.

Man.

He's all right, isn't he?

No, not really.

The hostel was laid back, cool, and the kind of place where anything goes.

Anything except, it seemed, deodorant.

It smells a bit in here.

Shotgun.

Unlucky, top bunk wankers.

Fuck off, Neil. I want some little hearty above me, not your rotten

arsehole. I just want to be Neil.

I've been thinking about it. Do we really need to go to Splash Planet?

Yes. Yes, we do. But it's so tacky and gaudy and full of idiots.

It's my lifetime's ambition.

You first mentioned it yesterday.

Don't kill my dreams, Will. Oh, hello, nutter. You made it.

So, what are you up to tomorrow?

Any plans?

We thought we might travel somewhere ethical and Aboriginal.

Cave. Oh, that's a shame. I'm going to Splash Planet. It looks brilliant.

It does, doesn't it?

You just said it was tacky. What?

Shut up. You said it was full of idiots.

Are you an idiot, Katie?

Don't be funny.

Stop being so funny, you guys. Well, I must be an idiot then, because I think

it looks amazing.

I can get you tickets if you like.

Really? Fantastic.

Four, please. Cool, done.

Right, I'm going to go and sit by the fire. Do you fancy coming?

Yeah, I just need to Skype home first, though. My mother worries.

Crazy. Right, well, I'll see you in a bit, then.

You alright?

Wait, I'm thinking.

About what? Wait.

What is it?

I'm trying to think if anyone's ever said anything less cool to a girl than

my mother worries.

Bye.

Splash Planet wasn't one of the great Australian tourist attractions, but it

did have one sight I wanted to see.

Katie in a bikini.

First, I just had to Skype the other woman in my life.

Really? I'm a senior mum for six months. I need to refresh the image in the wank

bank. Surely watching Simon dump Lucy has to be more fun than this. Nothing's

more fun than your mum.

Hello, Dolly. I can't see you.

Yeah. You've not got your video on. Same as every time.

Where's the button?

Where it always is. Where I have to point you every single time we Skype.

Yeah. Then we have to move the camera down, remember?

What camera?

Come on, we've done this. The camera is on top of the laptop. Just tip the lid

forward. How's that?

Move it up!

Oh, is that Neil?

Fuck off!

Well, don't be rude to your friends. He gets blunt grumps when he gets tired.

Just move the camera back!

Finally.

Look, I just wanted to check in, tell you I've actually met some great new

people. Oh, is Grandma staying over?

No, why would you say that?

You've got two bowls and two mugs out for breakfast.

Oh, yes, I have.

So who's staying over?

Your grandma.

You just said she wasn't. Did I?

I think it must be the connection, darling. Yeah, that was a terrible

connection. You're breaking up.

I love you. Speak soon.

She's getting fucked, I reckon.

Meanwhile, it was second time lucky for Simon. The only way this Skype with Lucy

could go worse than the first was if he somehow got her pregnant.

Hello, baby boo.

I love you.

Lucy? Come on. No, you say it.

No. Look, Lucy, there's something I need to do right now. Oi, oi.

Put it away, there are elderly people present. What the fuck?

Just popped round to see our new daughter-in-law.

Simon, we're so delighted for you.

You'll have to start the planning as soon as you get back, I suppose.

Yes, thanks for stating the fucking obvious. Oi, this is a happy occasion.

It's okay, it's an emotional time.

Come on, Pam, let's leave these lovebirds to it. Now, don't you two get

carried away.

Me and your mum have seen plenty of videos that start like this on the

internet.

Plenty. Alan, please.

They're so nice.

They're fucking idiots.

Well, we've all agreed on a date, so that's good.

You set a date?

And I've got all my bridesmaids sorted.

I just hope Jane will come back from Australia.

No, Lucy, I'm in Australia, not Jane, remember?

I'm not fucking senile, Simon.

I know you're there.

She's there too.

Why didn't you mention it?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I forgot I'm meant to give you minute-by-minute updates on my friends'

movements. OK, so Suzanne is moving in with Steve because she's missed her

period, and Louise is back in Coventry because she's self-harming again.

Is that enough detail?

Yes, that's great. Thank you.

The vibe at the hostel was incredible, and it was clear we weren't at home

anymore. Things were different, and it was nice to see that Simon, Neil, and

especially Jay were embracing this new environment.

Oh, no. Why is there always some cunt with a guitar?

If anyone starts playing the bongos, I'm leaving.

The bongos start burning the place down.

Open your minds, guys. We're backpacking now. Get into the backpacking vibe.

Vibe? We're by a fire listening to some posh prick play guitar. How much more

backpacking can it get? Please don't ruin this for me.

Katie!

Nudges.

Enjoy the trip? Are you okay?

Yep, yep, totally fine.

Come on, man.

Looks like you've got front row seats.

Yeah, lucky me. At least you're here to cheer me up, though. Hi.

Katie, can I play you a song?

No, I'm good, thanks.

God, that guy can be such a dick.

Really? Yeah.

Look at him.

He always has to be the center of attention.

Yeah. How can anyone wear that many friendship bracelets?

No one's got that many friends.

And how's giving someone a stinking piece of old string a show of

friendship? I know, right? I mean, I only wear, what, like seven?

Actually, I made one for you. Do you want it?

Yeah, great. I love these.

Okay, Katie, this is your last chance. What can I play for you?

How about The Sound of Silence?

What the fuck?

Oh, Jay, you know Jane's in Australia, right?

What? Who?

You remember the fat bird that dumped you? She did not fucking dump me, Neil.

But you cried? Yeah, tears of joy, probably.

Yeah, well, Lucy told me Jane's here in Australia.

So? Like I give a shit.

Weird, though, isn't it?

Amazing coincidence.

Maybe she's come to get you back.

She should be so lucky. You know the first rule of banter brigade?

You're only allowed one fatty.

Ha!

No, that is a very funny joke, though, but no.

What is it again? I know it, but I've just forgotten for a minute.

All the Fs? Oh, yeah. Find them, fuck them, forget them.

No, Neil.

All the Fs.

Find them, Frenchy them, get them frothy, finger them, frig them, film

them, flange them, flick them, fanny fart them, fuck them, frot them, fist

them, felch them, finish with them, and then finally forget about them. Just

like what I'd done with Jane, or whatever her name was.

Sorry, I switched off after frig. You're saying you aren't bothered about Jane

being here?

No. Did you know that laughter is intensely spiritual?

So that means that you're very spiritual.

Would you say you're spiritual?

Um... It's quite a vague way to describe a whole person. Could you just narrow it

down at all?

So, what I'm saying, right, is that I think you're spiritual.

Yep. And I'm saying that's great.

Really great.

But what do you mean by that? I don't want to sign up for something I'm not.

Oh, okay.

Actually... I've had a thing about it, and I am spiritual.

I knew it!

Do you want to get drunk?

I'm a goon. Yes, please.

Do you really not know Jamie's in Australia?

Don't talk bollocks, Si. If I'd known that, why would I have come here?

Because you want to get her back? Because you miss her?

Is your lip all right?

No.

She's at the water park, isn't she? That's why you want to go there.

I made a mistake, all right?

I made a mistake and I'm trying to make it better.

Why didn't you go and see her before?

I was building up to it.

And now you're here, I'm going to do it. So just don't fucking tell anyone.

Tell anyone what? About your dad's world record.

My dad's got a world record? Yeah.

Most dogs' cocks in one mouth.

Hey, hey.

It's the dudes.

How are we, dudes?

Am I right in thinking my young friends might be up for a little... Darts?

I don't think they got bored.

You're quite so funny, Nu.

In your mind if I skin her?

As if.

See, Stephen?

Nobody fucking minds.

That's right, run away from our problems like you always do.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fucking leave me alone. Oh, God, do I really have to marry that lunatic?

Well, I asked her, so yes, I have.

God, how has this happened?

Marriage, Rose, yeah?

Dr. Dews prescribes a toque of justice finest.

A friend with weed is a friend indeed.

Um, right, cheers.

Sorry. What?

I'm a fucking mess.

She's cutting up all my hoodies.

Oh, God.

Ah, yes!

Oh, fucking hell, mate. You are the full package. You're funny and spiritual.

I can't believe you're single.

It is hard to believe, but I am single.

I don't know when you're joking or when you're not, but let me tell you, if you

could play guitar, I would jump you right now.

Actually, I can play guitar.

Fuck off!

I've had a lot of time on my own at uni to practice.

Fucking knockout! Go on then, mate, give us a song.

Okay.

Hey, Ben, man.

Can I have a go, man?

Wow. Well,

you don't really have a go with a guitar.

It's not in front of as many people.

I just want to play a song for a friend, for Katie.

Sure you got this?

Yeah, I think so.

There's quite a lot of people, so... Yeah, I can handle it.

Okay, well, just go for it, man. I'm trying to.

Just take the guitar.

Remove your hand from the neck of the guitar, then. Thank you.

Thanks, man.

This is a slight change of mood, but I hope you like it.

The first time ever I saw your

face.

What is he doing?

It's weird, I don't like it.

Trying to stop watching, but I can't.

Right,

well, I'm going to bed.

You coming?

No, I might wait a bit.

This is very nice. Is it a little bit public? No one cares.

Oh, hello.

I sort of care.

Um, should we be doing this here?

This is what travelling's about. Now, get on the bed. I'm on the top bunk.

Look, you just lie there and I'll ride you.

Oh, what is this?

That's very hard.

Sorry. Let me get that out of the way.

This is someone else's bed. Let's get on my bunk. It's just up there. You're so

sexy.

Um,

Katie, this is great, but you're very drunk.

Why don't we get a hotel for tomorrow? My treat? My treat? Anything. You're

gorgeous. Shh.

Do it like that. That was nice.

Mmm, yeah.

Your friend is asleep on my bed.

Ah. Now, this is not what it looks like.

After I'd explained to everyone that it was my rape alarm, and once they'd

stopped laughing, we got some sleep.

The next morning, Simon was the first person in history to get the munchies

ten hours after smoking a joint.

Eat your own breakfast.

Nah, I've got that irritable bowel syndrome.

It gets worse when I get stressed.

I'm finding travelling stressful, to be honest.

You should have seen me sweating in the toilet block this morning, you know.

It's not even runny, it's just like massive ones firing themselves out.

Plus all this foreign muck I'm eating, Donald. You've only eaten McDonald's.

Yeah, Australian McDonald's. Good morning.

Here he is, the singing sex pest.

Say what you like, the song worked.

Someone had a good night then. Yes, after the unpleasantness with Agnetha

was sorted out.

I think we have to call last night a success.

A beautiful girl wants to have sex with me.

Oh, and there she is.

Yoo-hoo!

Katie!

Katie!

Katie! Fucking hell, mate, there's no need to shout.

Oh, goon hangovers are the worst.

Look, it's all right, mate, I can walk.

God, I was so pissed last night. You were a little.

You passed out. I remember, like, an alarm or something.

Yeah, don't worry about that. Apart from that, I literally cannot remember a

single thing that happened.

Nothing. It goes straight from sitting around the fire to puking this morning.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Did we?

Well, sort of. We fucked?

No. Did we kiss?

Yes. Oh, my God. That is so funny.

Isn't that funny?

A bit.

God, I'm so bad when I'm drunk.

Bad? Oh, no, no, no, no, not in that way. Not that you're not. Like, oh, my

God, I'm digging myself a hole here. Listen,

I'm going to go and get some breakfast and I'll catch up with you in a minute,

OK? I've got to work out what adventures people are on today.

Have you got the money for those Splash Planet tickets?

Yes, of course. How much do we owe you? 400 bucks.

400? I thought it was $75 a ticket.

It is, but there's this premium when I get them. It's just a thing.

Oh.

Looks like I have to get out my mum's emergency stash.

Oh, all right, Kinky.

No, no, it's not that.

She gave me a bit extra for emergencies. It's a precautionary thing.

Well, cheers, mate.

I'll see you at the water park.

So I sorted out the... Wait.

I'm thinking.

To be fair, Splash Planet looks amazing.

And even though Jay insisted that 80% of the water was made up of vaginal fluid,

we still couldn't wait to try out the rides.

Or better still, work there.

Excuse me, I'm looking for a job as a dolphin trainer.

Are you a qualified marine biologist?

No, but I'm English.

Okay. We don't have any jobs, but you can swim with them for 75 bucks.

Oh, cool. A work experience.

No. All right, I'm in.

Did you get the job then?

Nah. That's well racist.

I'm going to swim with one though.

And I'm going to give it a time of his life.

Is it just me or did it sound like he's going to wank off a dolphin?

That is what it sounded like.

We split up and I went to find Katie.

Last night she said I was sexy. So today I just had to seal the deal by laughing

at anything she said or did.

Gotcha.

Oh, yes.

Yes, you did. What a good joke that is. Always funny.

Aye.

Oh, let's get on these rides then. It's the best hangover cure ever.

Yes.

I've heard the water pressure on some of these slides is quite high.

Well, look out.

Hypocrite alert.

Ben, you came.

Cool. Hi.

Hi. Yeah, well, I wanted to see what the tourists saw in the place.

I'm not a serious man. I've got a backpack for one. In Bolivia, they say

if you put a shell on a donkey, does that make him a crab?

Don't know what that means, Ben.

You'll find out.

Right, let's ride some blooms! Yeah!

Jay and Simon had left me to, as Jay put it, chase after Katie like a little

prick, while they, for some unknown reason, headed to the lazy river.

A child's ride.

Does Jane work on this ride, then? No, but as you can see from this map of the

park, the lazy river pretty much covers the whole place.

So basically, we get on, drift around till we see her.

Simples. Don't know if that map is entirely accurate. There are pirates and

crocodiles having a sword fight on it. It's a map, all right.

Maps don't lie.

I'm so sorry if the kids are bothering you. Oh, God, no, of course not. No, not

to our love kids.

He's a paedophile.

Seriously, I'm trying to help you. All right.

Nudgies?

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

Nudgies was fast becoming no-one's favourite game.

Meanwhile, Neil was teaching some animals only slightly cleverer than him

that there's more to life than fish.

OK, guys, now you get some very special one-on-one time with your dolphins.

If you'd like to take your positions...

Hello, gorgeous.

Come here.

Good boy.

This is amazing.

Lovely.

Look, apparently I'm not allowed to train you because it turns out this lot

are well racist. But there's one thing I can give you that they can't.

On land, we call that a burger.

McDonald's probably do the best one, followed by Burger King. Oh, you like it

there. Come on, there's got to be worth a kiss.

Oh,

lovely.

They say dolphins are clever, but what they don't tell you is they're also

greedy little bastards.

Meanwhile, Jay and Simon were sticking to their terrible plan.

This might not be the quickest way to search the park.

Nah, it'll be fine. It's about time before we find her.

Chill.

Is that him? Yeah, that's him.

Right.

Hey, mate, what are you doing with those kids?

No, wait.

My friend was joking. You're disgusting. I don't love kids. Please? I hate kids.

They're not safe to breathe.

I'm down.

Meanwhile, I was trying to impress a girl I'd recently fingered to sleep. Oh,

my God, this is the hard rapids racer. It's amazing.

He raced other people down rapids. Cool. How about... Me versus Beaky, then.

Loser has to do a naked streak around the park.

Yeah, that's hilarious.

Will, you're up for it, aren't you?

I would be, but I'm... Boring?

No, Ben. Scared? No, Ben. Ashamed of your tiny penis? No, Ben. Actually, I

get nosebleeds. What?

I think you said that he gets nosebleeds. Come on, let's race.

Will.

What happened to you?

Oh, I was waterboarded on the lazy river because Jay told some parents I was a

paedophile. Pretty good. Where's Jay now?

He's gone to find Jane.

Jane? That's why he's in Australia.

He found out she worked here and he's desperate to get her back.

I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but after that, fuck him.

Bill, come on!

What about your nose, please?

Did you want something?

Uh, yeah. I'm looking for someone that works here, a girl called Jane.

Okay, we've had a few Janes. What does she look like?

Um, she's got, like, red hair, quite big. Well, no, beautiful.

Really, like, really, really beautiful.

Ah, yes, I know Jane.

Yeah, she's a stunner all right, huh?

Great, so whereabouts is she working today?

Oh, she left about a month ago, mate. She got a dream job working with horses

or something.

Did she say where?

Nah, sorry.

Outback somewhere?

Oh, that's all right. Guess I'll head to the Outback and go find her.

To the Outback?

Yeah, you'll find her no problems.

Will I?

She amazing.

Are you some kind of moron?

Of course you fucking won't. The Outback's enormous.

Nah, you'll never find her.

Do your lip alright?

Yeah.

If she gets in touch, do you want me to tell her you're looking for her?

Nah, it's cool.

I'm not even bothered. I've got some stuff to sort out in Vietnam.

Like CIA shit.

Basically, I'm getting my own private train with a machine gun on front. I'm

going to drive across the country just standing up, firing out the machine gun

as it goes along.

Now it's time for some chicken!

Shh! Don't tell anyone!

But this is the last one! It's the bollocks!

Meatball sandwich!

Wake up!

We'll never know for certain exactly what killed the dolphin, but we do know

that Neil did it.

There was tension in the air as we waited to race, and tension in the queue

as Neil barged past with his irritable bowels.

Out of the way.

I'll get in line, mate. No, I've got mates.

I'm just, I'm going up there.

Alright.

How are the dolphins?

Dolphins are fine. Totally fine. Why wouldn't they be?

How are you asking?

Well, I don't want to talk about the fucking dolphins, okay?

Oh, my God.

So is this my irritating bounce?

Next two up. Right.

Good luck, boys.

See you at the bottom. Oh, and don't forget, lose the streaks.

Oh, seriously, I would have thought I'd been gone by now. It's a new one.

Jesus, Neil.

Come on, stop it.

Okay, next two.

Will, I've got an issue.

Ready to lose?

I'm not, but you are. Will.

I'm not going to lose.

What's that, mate?

Will. No, I'm gonna win. Will. I can't lose.

We'll see about that. Will. I don't lose.

You wish, Jellyfish.

What? Will.

Will, I need help. I lost one.

Maybe I'll pull a fruit. Go.

But it's got vowels. They're disabled.

Oh, no.

It wasn't funny, Simon. I was arrested.

Well, I don't know if the Splash Planet security team can strictly arrest you.

Children were crying.

And I think that was you. I think that was to do with that dolphin that died.

No, you were swimming with them. Did you see anything?

Look, I didn't swim with any dolphin sight. And if you keep telling lies

about me, I'm going to have to bring up my mum's hairy face again.

All right, calm down.

You all right, Jay?

Everything's ruined.

What's up? Is it your Type 4 skin thing?

I fucked it up again.

No, lay off it for a week. It'll get better. She's gone.

Forever. Who?

Jane. I should never have bought her that wee fit. She said she wanted to

lose a bit of weight, and I was just trying to help.

I loved her the way she was.

You bought her a wee fit?

So I came here to find her, to apologise, to try and win her back. I

had no idea how big Australia was.

I knew it was an island, so I thought, it can't be that big. I'll probably just

bump into her down the shops, but it's fucking massive!

And now she's gone forever.

My life is pointless again.

Sorry, you bought her a wee fit.

My dad was right.

He should have just whipped it out and splurged on my mum's ass rather than

waste it making me.

Still love her.

But I'll never find her.

So I could always ask Lucy where she is?

Oh shit, yeah. Lucy'll probably know.

Really? Actually, yeah. Thinking about it, she'll definitely know.

She sent her a wedding invitation.

Let's go. I'll Skype her now.

Shotgun? Don't worry, mate. We'll find her.

Thanks for this, Si.

No problem.

You'd all do the same for me? We wouldn't. We think your bird's a fucking

nightmare. Fair enough.

So far, my travelling experience wasn't going entirely to plan.

I'd assume that I'd get shit-faced at some point, but not literally.

Right, you all go and pack up our stuff. I'll just go up Lucy.

Will!

Will!

Will!

Look, Katie, I'm so embarrassed by my friends. It was Neil's fault. He's got

this thing that went... What? It was fucking hysterical.

Closing down Splash Planet. I mean, everyone is talking about what an

absolute legend you are.

I'm a legend?

I mean, it looked horrific.

You were covered in shit, yeah?

Yeah. But at the same time, it was literally the funniest thing I've ever

seen. We all love...

If it made you laugh, maybe it was worth getting conjunctivitis.

You're mental.

So, what do you want to do later, then?

Drink, bite to eat. Sea kayaking, zip lining, bungee?

Will, come on, you've got to pack. I am talking, Simon.

Sorry about that. Pack? What? You can't leave. The gang will be gutted. No,

you're not actually leaving, are you?

Yes. Well, nothing's finalised.

It's the song line ceremony tonight.

Look, it's perfect for you, Will. It's incredibly spiritual.

We're going to the outback. That's why Will should be packing up his things

right now.

Oh, OK. Well, if you're busy, I'll leave you to it. No, Katie, I'm not busy. I

apologise to my friend. He's very rude.

Now, tell me about sea kayaking.

It's amazing.

They've got these kayaks, right, that go in the sea.

No way! It's absolutely unbelievable.

Simon, this was not an agreed time for Skype.

Lucy, listen, it's really important. Do you know where Jane is staying?

Of course I do.

Simon, we need to talk about photographers.

I think you're going to have to take out another student loan.

Christ, really?

Right, fine, whatever. Can you just get me her address?

And I've asked Pete to be your best man.

I meant to decide that.

All your friends are massive dicks, except Pete.

It's Pete or no one. Great, fine, it's Pete. Now, I need that address.

Pete's been amazing. Yeah, yeah, Pete's amazing.

Please, Lucy.

Oh, thanks, mate. I am amazing.

Good day, Pete.

Surprise. How are things down under?

And I don't mean your horrible balls.

You've got horrible balls.

You actually have, though.

Banter. So, go on, how is it, then?

Not been eaten by a shark yet? Worst luck? Thank you. Yeah. I'm the best man

you are.

I'm the best of the best, mate. You know it. I should be called the brilliant

man. Yeah.

Um, it's a mate. We're in a bit of a rush.

Okay, so she's staying at Beaulieu's stud farm near Birdsville.

I don't have the exact address because they pick up the post from the town

hotel. So what's the house number?

I told you I don't have it.

It's a massive farm, you div. You'll find it. Yeah, you div.

Huh. Of course.

Over and out, Captain Kirk.

Did you get it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's at a stud farm near Birdsville.

Oh, well, that's me fucked.

If she's at a stud farm, then she'll have her pick.

I've got no chance. I've lost her.

Um, a stud farm's where they breed horses.

Yes, I know.

Just saying she really likes horses.

Look, you won't need a life vest in the car while it's dry.

Get that off. We're leaving.

I'm staying here.

Don't be a dick. Just get in the car. No, I'm staying.

For a bit.

Then I'm going to do some real travelling with people who do it

properly. What, those tools in there? They think you're a twat. And I've met

someone I like who likes me. Will, be careful. Jay told me that enough before

mates is actually a crime in Australia.

You think you're my mates?

You don't do any of the things I like. You don't talk about things I like. And

you shit on my face.

Why would I come with you?

I only shit on your face once.

I'm not sure how much clearer I can make it. I'm not...

Fine, fuck y'all. We'll go to Birdsville without y'all. You're being stupid.

You got dumped, just like I got dumped, just like Simon will probably get dumped

too. Sorry, I mean divorced.

Get over it and be realistic.

Chasing a girl around Australia isn't a romantic joke. It's extreme stalking.

Well, that's exactly what you're doing to Katie.

Grow up, Simon.

You grow up.

I am growing up. You should grow up. Really? Grow up?

I am. You're not, so grow up.

Oh, that's grown up. Grow up. Yeah, you should. We'll see who's grown up, won't

we? Grow up. Grow up. Oh, grow up! Grow up!

Grow up.

I feel a bit sad.

Can I drive?

Yeah, sure.

And can I be best man? No, it's fucking Pete.

So, this evening we can watch it grow.

Just like a cheery fucking guy.

Grow up!

Off they went, the idiots.

Good riddance to them.

I was gonna have an authentic experience sea kayaking.

At least if I drowned, and it looked like I might drown, people could say he

died doing what he did best, making a twat of himself in front of a girl.

What? I said, what time is it now?

No, you fucking didn't. You said a wobbobob, Bob. Are you sure you're OK to

drive? Yeah, it's fine.

I think I might cry again.

Is it far now?

No, it's only about 400 miles. You can make that, can't you, Neil? Course. Got

a system.

Maybe we should stop for a bit.

Now we've cleansed the area with sound, we can begin. We are sitting on song

lines, the ancient lines of power that cross Australia.

Can you feel the connection?

Yeah. Amazing.

We carry a great responsibility. What we say here before the fire, we transmit

out on the song lines to the rest of the planet.

Let's help heal the world by throwing all the world's negativities onto the

fire. Each think of a negativity and burn it. What's your negativity?

Narrow-mindedness.

Good.

That's really good. Stephen. Oh, God, where to start?

I'm just a seeker, a searcher, but present in this moment, away from the

past, away from a military father who I love so much, but Daddy wasn't around,

and away from my distant mother. But I'm here now, in the now, not there.

I'm just wondering how to tell Mummy what hugs mean.

She asked what negativity you want to throw on the fire.

Oh, right. Yeah, cool.

Um... Conformity!

Excellent. Now, what's your negativity, brother?

Um... Come on.

Um... Negativity.

Yes. Which one?

Just negativity.

Remember, we can help heal the whole world.

Pass. Pass?

Look, maybe you should just tell me the right answer.

There's no right answer.

Clearly there is, though.

Raw pot noodle, anyone?

Not bad, but a bit crunchy.

I reckon I'll probably propose to Jane when I see her.

What about the Thai bird you told me you were seeing? What?

The one that's a black belt and firing ping-pong balls out of her fanny.

Oh, yeah, no, she had to go back to Vietnam.

Thailand. Thailand.

Yeah, no, Jane's the one.

I'll be married and you'll be married, Si.

Yeah. So we can go on, like, double dates and stuff.

Yeah. Lucy's not that bad, really.

Maybe being married to her will be all right. It will be.

And it's got to be easier than breaking up with her.

She's microwaved my PlayStation.

Della.

Um, racism.

Oh, I hate that.

Ben, negative thoughts.

Good. How is that different to saying negativity?

Will, please, just respect the song lines.

Christian.

Racial hatred.

Mm, good. Yeah, already had that one, Chris.

What? We've had that. He's going to think of another one. Think of another

one. So you think racial hatred is a good thing?

You know I'm not saying that, Ben.

She said racism. He said racial hatred. Pick another.

Will, there's no right or wrong answers.

Yes, there is. You know there is.

Let it all flow out. We all support you.

There's no judgment here. So you keep saying.

Well, in that case, I'd like to throw the poor and disadvantaged onto the

fire, and the handicapped, the homeless, and babies. Yes, spazzy little African

babies riddled with malaria and AIDS. Oh, there they go, onto the fire.

Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle. How's that?

That is wrong.

Yep, thought it might be.

Excuse me.

I throw anger onto the fire.

Yeah.

Stephen.

Infidelity. Oh, will you just fucking let it go?

Will, are you okay?

Yeah. Sorry, I didn't mean to ruin it.

Oh, no, you didn't. No, we still had an amazing connection.

Oh, good.

That's good.

Listen, whatever your energy is when you interact over firestones, that's your

song. And your song is humour.

Oh. Thank you. And also anger.

You have a large, quite deep anger song in you.

Frustration, maybe.

And sometimes it's hard to hear the humour song with the anger song singing

so very loud.

You do like me, don't you, Katie?

Of course I do.

Sorry, Ben. This is a private party.

Oh, OK.

See you later.

Are you okay?

That was horrible.

What was?

Him just kissing you like that. Do you want me to call somebody? He shouldn't

get away with that.

Oh, I know.

He can be such a tease.

Tease? He knows that drives me crazy.

Crazy angry, right? I'm tingly.

Bad tingly. Like really severe pins and needles.

Oh, God, no.

Nice. Scary. I don't know how he does it.

What is happening here?

We've been having this on-off thing for ages, and he drives me mental when we

fight, but in the end, the animal urge, it's just too much to ignore.

You said he was a dick.

Well, I wish you'd get to know him. He is such a spiritual guy.

So you're with him, even though you kissed me?

Well, I like you, I kissed you, but I kiss a lot of people, especially when

I'm drunk.

What Ben and I have, it's a deep lust for each other.

It's spiritual.

Right, that's the last time. Even the dictionary definition of spiritual,

which I looked up the other day, suggests it's about the soul, another

vague and probably non-existent concept.

I don't think you get it, but that's cool.

No, no, I get it all right, you patronizing cow.

It's you twats that don't get it. That's right, I called you twats.

Chill, Will.

Playing the guitar badly, wearing beads, talking about one love, and pretending

your friends were Central American villagers, who, by the way...

Despise you? Before heading back to your parents' five-bedroom house in Surrey?

It doesn't make you a spiritual person. It makes you a bellend.

I think you're right about his song, Katie.

Oh, fuck off, Ben.

You don't believe in song lines any more than I do.

It's just a way for you to seem interesting to girls because deep down

you know you're boring and pretentious, just like your stupid fucking

dreadlocks. Which, by the way, always look embarrassing on white people.

They're not countercultural. They actually scream, I've got a trust fund.

So get a normal haircut, you unbearable prick.

Goodbye.

I may have won the battle, but I'd lost the war. By now my real friends were

hundreds of miles away, but my fake friends were a little too close to home.

I don't lose.

I don't lose.

I don't lose.

I don't lose.

One ticket to Birdsville, so that'll be $350.

Have you flown this route before?

No. Okay, you'll want these then. There's some sick bags, because you are

going to be sick.

Oh, oh, fuck!

Oh, my God!

See you later.

They were nice. Apart from when they tried to fight us those times.

It's the next property, Sawyer.

Just down the Birdsville track. Yeah, not far now, mate.

Ring!

Ring! What the fuck is that?

Guy!

Ring! I think it's a prick.

I had to get here.

I'm just so lost at the moment with uni, and I know I've made some bad decisions,

but I'm finding it hard to know who I am.

Anyway, I'd be better to get going. No, no, no, listen, please.

I don't have many friends, and I thought those people... Nudgies.

Get in.

Did they say exactly how far the next farm is?

Oh shit, we're on the white bit of the petrol meter.

Oh, don't worry about that. That's a con by car makers and oil people to get you

to buy more.

I once went to Portugal and back on the white bit. I don't know, it looks quite

low. Please, let's just keep going.

Of course, mate. And there's bound to be a petrol station round here somewhere.

Oh, shit.

Don't worry, I just coasted for a couple of miles.

It's very hot in here.

Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. I had the eating on.

What now?

Wait for someone to pass by to help?

Ah, bollocks. We'll just find the IA and they'll come pick us up. How's the

reception on your phone?

Oh, fuck.

Exactly. We should get out of the car, though. It's essentially an oven.

It's not that much cooler out of the car, to be fair.

All right. We're in a bit of a spot here.

We've got to keep calm. Do not panic. How much water have we got?

None.

Okay, bad start.

We'll be fine.

There'll probably be a wise old Aboriginal along any minute.

Have a think. In the two hours since we left Birdsville, how many cars have we

seen? Oh, none.

None is correct.

Now, how many wise old Aboriginals?

None. None? Fucking none!

We aren't in England anymore. We're somewhere actually genuinely dangerous.

Don't shit your pants. I know Australia.

Someone will be along in a minute. But what if they aren't? They will be.

Anyone want a drink?

Have you got water?

No, just wondered.

Really thirsty.

We need a survival plan.

No, I doubt it. Actually, Neil, in the desert without water, we'll die in a

day. I think we're going to be fine. How, Simon?

Tell me how we're going to be fine. People will be looking for us. Who?

Who even knows we're missing? Or cares?

Your dad?

Jay's uncle?

Your mum would if she wasn't too busy getting fucked by a stranger.

Oh, it's nasty, but it's probably true.

We could drink our piss.

What? No, honestly, it's all right. I'll do it occasionally.

Hey, I bit my spunk once, too. You're grim, mate.

Basically, I need a piss, and it seems a shame to waste it.

I'm Neil.

Neil, do you have to do that here?

If you can't see it actually coming out the end, it's not rude.

Wait a minute.

There's probably some water in the windscreen washer pot.

We could share that out.

Perfect. This should keep us going.

Uncle Jay sorts it again.

So... Obviously.

Seriously, we do need a plan.

I saw that film where the bloke got stuck in the desert but lived.

What did he do? Cut his arm off with a penknife.

Right. Any other ideas?

And I've watched every episode of Bear Grylls Man vs. Wild.

Okay, now we're getting somewhere.

What would Bear suggest we do in this situation, Neil? Okay, well, for

starters, when we get a salmon, we've just got to bite into the middle of it,

like, even though it's raw. There isn't any water. Where are we going to get a

salmon from, you fucking idiot?

Neil's got a point, though. We should split up and search the area for water

sources. Got a seven?

Yes.

Thanks very much, Dad.

Thanks for not teaching me how to find water. The only thing I would ever need

to know my entire fucking life. Oh, go and do a sociology degree. That'll be

fucking helpful.

Oh, yeah, well, so it goes.

Yeah, so it goes.

Si, quick, look.

Oh, that sweet little moon.

Them emmy stones.

Yeah, let's take a chance. I'll win on the boss.

Okay. Learn from your mistakes.

Wandering around failing to find water just uses up calories. We've learned

that. That's good.

I can't believe we didn't bring any sun cream.

Not even, like, Factor 8.

Even some shitty Factor 8 would make the situation better.

God, I'd love some Factor 8 right now.

Oh, my gosh.

A lake!

A fucking lake!

We're safe! I can't believe we never spotted that!

It's a mirage, Neil.

Is that Australian for lake?

It means because you're hot, you're seeing things.

What if it is a lake? You're seeing things. It's an illusion.

Well, if I was seeing things, I'd be seeing cool things, like Optimus Prime

banging Katy Perry, or a jade the size of a house, but all his fingers are

Cadbury's flakes.

I want water more than anything.

I'll get us water, Si.

Don't worry.

This is it. We're saved.

Thank you, Bear Grylls!

I told him so. I know you did.

Can we start panicking now?

Yeah.

No!

I bet they use a shit picture.

What?

When they report us being dead, I bet they use a picture where my hair looks

shit. There's plenty to choose from.

I'll be described as engaged for fuck's sake.

I bet Lucy will love that. She'll melt the attention of the cow.

I don't think you'll be that bothered. I will. I don't think you will be, because

crucially, you'll be dead.

Stone fucking dead, just like we all will.

Oh, God, I don't want to die.

Oh, for fuck's sake, I'm too dehydrated to cry.

I wish my mum was here.

Does she deliver water?

She does when I'm nearby.

From a fanny.

So fucking thirsty.

Do you want to try this bunk thing? It's a bit like a salty smoothie.

I can't think of anything I want to do less right now than wank. Jesus.

Things are even more serious than I thought.

Neil, if you can piss again now, I'll drink it.

You should really only drink your own, Si.

So dehydrated I can't piss.

Neil, please.

Help.

I'm dying.

Of course, mate.

Sorry, sorry, I've got no more piss.

That's all right, mate.

Thanks for trying.

I was trying, sorry. I really was. It's just...

Hang

on, there was that bit.

I'm hot and cold.

Then hot.

Then really cold.

And you stink of piss.

I really didn't think dying would be like this.

It's knackering to get wound up about it.

Just let it happen, I reckon.

No.

Please fight it, Jay.

There's something I need to say.

What?

Sorry.

Mate. I am.

I'm sorry.

Just... Sorry.

Don't matter.

There's something I always meant to ask you guys, too.

What is it, mate?

How long after a poo can you have sex?

Please don't make this my last thought. I never found out, and... No, I never

know.

I can't see very well.

I think it's just the brightness.

Close your eyes.

But you said... I know.

Here.

Deal.

For Ben's.

For Ben's.

That's better.

Sorry, Dad.

Sorry, Jane.

It'll be like sleep, won't it, Si?

I've always liked sleep.

Yeah, it'll be okay now.

All right, then.

Cheers.

It's just proper travelling.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

You hear Mirage?

I don't know. Would a Mirage call you a stupid cunt?

We're saved! We're saved! We're saved! We're saved!

Fuck me, you poms love a drama. You've only been out here two hours.

Jane!

Jane!

Jane!

God, look at you.

I love you.

Will you marry me?

I'm sorry about the wee fit.

No, Jay.

Is your lip all right?

No. Jay, did you really come all this way out here just to find me?

Yeah.

But... Not because I miss you, but because... Got an STD.

And the doctor said I have to tell all my former lovers, and you're the last.

Number 6004.

So, that's that deal we've got.

6004?

Don't forget, a lot of them was orgies.

Everything's been rubbish since you left.

I work in a toilet and I live in a tent.

Oh, come here.

So, do you want to get back together?

No. No, that's definitely not happening. I stay dumped again.

Come on.

Let's get you home. Jesus Christ. The last time I saw something that soppy, I

was pulling my cock out of it. Now let's head back to the farm.

I'm not sure we're in any state to travel. I think we need serious medical

attention. What you need is some fucking aftersun and a beer. Now, take your

clothes off and get in the ute. Shit.

Mum was right.

It's the best thing for the sunstroke.

You need the heat to leave your body quickly.

All right, fine. Of course.

Plus... Makes you easier to rape.

We couldn't wait to leave the outback, although some things would stay with us

forever. Mainly the sight of Neil's meaty penis.

Jane's boss rehydrated us, fixed the car, and then we headed back to

Civilization.

If you can call Uncle Brian's house civilized.

And then Neil pissed all over my head, but I didn't manage to drink any of it,

and then we gave up, but the stud farm was tempting people to look for us, and

we were on the news that they called us plummy morons, and everyone's flown over

because they were worried, but everything's changed, Luce.

I am so lucky to be alive, and this world is just the most beautiful thing.

And you are so great, and I can't wait to get married.

I love you, Lucy.

I've been sleeping with Pete.

Sorry? Me and your best man, Pete, have been having sex.

Good sex.

Is this role-playing again, like when I said I'd bummed Will?

You're such a dopey prick. I still can't believe you come out and be nutsacked.

You're nutsacked? I can't believe we're the same species. I mean, look at him,

weedy and retarded. He's like one of them X-Men freaks, Dr.

Lawnfucker or something.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my darling.

Oh, I've missed you so much.

I was lost in the desert too.

Anyway, I don't really want to be friends, but Pete said it would be

better if we were.

Wait a minute, you're breaking up with me?

Yes. So, I'm single and now Pete has to go out with you?

Yes, Simon.

Yes!

Fucking brilliant.

Oh, hello, Mrs. McKenzie.

Oh, hello, Simon.

Your parents asked me to check if you were okay.

Me? Fucking brilliant. Absolutely fucking brilliant.

Sorry, sir. Sorry. Sorry. I didn't mean to swear.

Mr. Gilbert?

What are you doing here?

You have no jurisdiction.

Oh, Phil's just... He's just helping me out with a couple of things.

I don't follow.

Phil? Do I need to spell it out for you, McKenzie?

Okay. Well, when a man loves a lady very much...

blood rushes to the genital area, enlarging significantly the penis.

Or in this case, my penis.

Well, I mean, we wanted to tell you in person, and then we just thought you

getting lost was a perfect excuse to come and see you. And then we thought,

oh, let's just make it into a holiday.

Have you got any recommendations?

We've booked a barrier reef tool.

Yes. I'm very much looking forward to going diving.

Okay, so here's some bad news. It turns out we did die in the desert because I

appear to be in hell.

Jesus Christ, mate, don't get me wrong.

I'm glad you stopped fucking me garden, but what was your thinking going all

that way for a fat chick?

What did you just say? About the spunk hole.

No, after that.

Oh, about you chasing the fat chick and how your lucky fatty boom-boom didn't

eat you out there in the desert. Them fat chicks get so fucking hungry.

Yeah,

yeah, good.

I mean, good for trying. Was weak as fuck, obviously.

More like a slap.

You taught him how to punch like a girl, I presume. Watch it, Brian. At least

your boy's got some spunk, Terry. Problem is, it's only round his mouth

and arsehole. I said watch it. Well, what?

You slapped me too.

Here we go. Get in there. Get in there, you ugly fuck.

I'll give it to you when you're happy.

I'll fucking give it to you again.

Shall we go?

It's going to be like my cousin's wedding.

Yeah.

I was thinking about maybe not going back to England for a bit. Maybe we

could do some more travelling. Her Vietnam's nice. Anyone fancy it? No, I

mean, I've still got some shit to sort out for the CIA, though. Of course.

Neil? Yeah, I'd love to go travelling.

Hey, if we go far enough, we might find your mum. Well, fuck off.

Sorry, Neil. Tell you what, my ping-pong fanny girl's got a mate I could set you

two up. Nice one.

Shake on it?

Cheers, mate.

He's a ladyboy. Oh, fuck! Too late. You shook on it now. Bad luck. Thanks.

No, you've got a fucking man with tits. Or a girl with a penis.

Oh, Will, help me out.

Sorry, Neil. You shook on it.

I suppose I'd better just stick to the top half.

moments but something possible to refuse

G, baby, G

Come on.

Fine. Okay. You know, I guess that's gonna be a problem.

Fuck off.

Fuck off. Fuck off.

Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off.

Fuck off.

Fuck off.

Shut up