All language subtitles for The Inbetweeners 2011

So, you see, the thing is, Dad, I could
reapply next year, but if I defer and

try again for Oxford, then I'll probably
lose my place at Bristol, which is a

good university, but not my dream.

Do you think it matters in the long
term, or is the subject and standard of

degree more important?

So, I got married.

What? To Susie, we got married.

You mean remarried. This time it's for
keeps, though.

When did this happen?

A few weeks ago.

I was going to invite you, but I know
how you are around people.

How am I?

Awkward. Weird.

I don't live in a cave.

I live in suburban London.

I spend my entire life around people.

Much as I'd like to, it's almost
impossible to avoid them. See, this is

what I mean.

Well, was it a big wedding?

No. A couple of hundred close friends
and family.

And it was perfect.

I can't believe you didn't invite me to
your wedding.

So what are you up to this summer?

Oh, you're changing the subject?

Mm-hmm.

Fine. I don't know. I guess I'll be
going on holiday.

Oh, this should be good.

What have you got planned?

Trans-Siberian Express.

Fossil hunting in Dorset. Or maybe
something even weirder.

No, actually, something normal.

I'm going to go somewhere normal, with
my normal friends, to a place full of

normal people.

And you, of course.

In case you were wondering, that was me
with my father.

And this is where I live.

Not with him, but with my mother.

It's a long story.

Well, not that long. He shagged the work
experience girl and then left us. Sort

of cliched, really.

Plus, it only happened two years ago,
which means I don't even get the luxury

of blaming my various personality
defects on their divorce.

Anyway, that's how I ended up here. The
very definition of suburbia.

Safe, comforting, stifling, boring, and
I couldn't wait to fucking leave.

Maybe that's unfair.

As they do say that you never know what
goes on behind the neck curtains of

suburbia. Although in my friend Jay
Cartwright's case, you could have a

pretty good guess.

Are you ready to have some fun, big boy?

I'm feeling sexy.

Take off the mask, baby. Let me see you.

Nah.

You promised this would be... Properly
filthy, yeah? Oh, yes, like a bomb

explode from your penis or sexy like...
Fingered up bumhole. Christ, you make me

so erect.

Oh, yes, you also make me erect.

Now, pudding cart details.

Oh, I'm so horny. Don't forget security
number. I'm back.

Come on, Maria.

Right, Jay's mum.

Where's Jay?

Oh, hello, Neil. He's at home updating
his CV.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh. It's a bit over, is that OK?

Not really.

Excuse me, my prawns. Sorry, mate, I
finished at six.

Cheers to that.

You don't have to thank me every time.

All right, cool.

You're so fit.

Simon, we need to talk. Oh, we're not
talking.

Look, it's been great so far. It's been
amazing.

Literally the best year of my life. My
spot's clearing up, not moving to Wales,

and now you.

And I'm definitely getting better at
kissing, aren't I?

I think we should break up.

What? We're both going away to uni soon,
and it'll be too hard to keep it going

long distance.

It won't be fair on either of us. I
don't mind.

You will mind, though. You will. I
bloody won't. Plus, I'm going on holiday

soon, so there's that.

Why? What are you planning to do on
holiday?

Maybe you should just go home. I just
need some space to think at the moment.

Okay, fine.

So I'll see you later, yeah?

Or whenever.

Mum, I'm back! When's tea?

It better be delicious!

Tell me you love me.

Tell me you love me. Oh, yes, I like
you. Oh, I like you.

Yeah, I'm just looking at holidays. It's
just holidays.

Jay, can you come downstairs, please?
Your grandfather's died.

You got a lady there, you bad boy.

Has she got nice titties? Suck on the
lady's titties. Suck them. Go on.

It was our last ever day of school,
something my new stepmum had experienced

only four years ago herself.

So the head of Sixth was going to say a
few inspirational words.

And if ever there was a man for the job,
it wasn't lunatic giant Mr Gilbert.

I will forget each and every one of you
almost immediately.

So, if you do find yourself at a loose
end next year, I think it might be nice

to pop in and see how we're getting on.

Don't. This isn't the Dead Poets
Society, and I'm not that bloke on BBC

Two who keeps getting kids to sing in
choirs.

I especially don't want to hear about
how well you're settling down at uni or

how much growing up you've done in the
past 12 months.

At best, I am ambivalent towards most of
you, but some of you I actively dislike

for no other reason than your poor
personal hygiene or your irritating

personalities.

I hope I've made myself clear on this
point, and in case any of you think I'm

joking, I'm not. I assure you that once
my legal obligation to look after your

best interest is removed, I can be one
truly nasty fucker.

Good luck with the rest of your lives
and try not to kill anyone.

Reflects very badly on all of us here.

Slightly more upbeat than I was
expecting.

They say your school days are the best
days of your life. But the only way that

would be true for me would be if I went
straight from school to prison and

stayed there forever until I died. How
many times is that she's caught you now?

Four. But this was the worst.

Mask, snorkel, hand.

One last one for luck.

Good. Old-school wedgie. To be admired,
in a way.

Squashing the balls now.

Ooh, that does not tickle.

Mark, what the fuck do you think you're
doing?

Put him down.

All right, calm down.

Just saying goodbye to Bender Squad.

Have a nice life, dickheads. Well, grow
up. God.

Are you OK, Will? Fine. Slightly chafed
arse crack, but, um... No, basically

fine, thanks.

Hi, Simon.

OK, well, bye, then.

Fucking bitch.

Is she?

No.

Oh, God, I just really miss her.

It's all right, mate.

I understand.

Anyone would miss those tits. It's not
that, Neil. Is it a lovely snatch?

No. I know it feels rough now, Si, but
you just need to give it some time.

I'm just worried I'll never get over
her.

Well, I can help you with that.

Can you?

Yeah. From now on, every time you
mention the Monotronic 5000, you get a

slap in the balls.

Do you mean Carly?

Ow! For fuck's sake, Jay!

You were warned.

How's that helping?

Stop you from crying like a baby, for
one. So my life is still ruined, but now

my balls ache too? Thanks, Jay.

No, your life is just about to begin,
mate. Now you've been dumped, we can all

go on a mental holiday together.

Two weeks of sun, sea, sex, sand, booze,
sex, minge, fanny and tits.

And booze.

And sex.

He's put it horrifically, but he's
probably right.

A holiday will definitely take your mind
off her. Plus, it's the perfect time to

go. Yeah, they say the summer is the
perfect time for a summer holiday. Come

on, Si. What do you say? The lads on
tour. And you.

Yes, and me.

One of the lads. Yeah, fuck it. Go on,
then. Maybe it will help.

Course it will.

And I promise you, Si, we'll go
somewhere so full of fit birds, it'll be

like shooting clunge in a barrel. What a
lovely image.

So that was it. We were no longer
schoolboys.

And to prove our independence, we were
off on the holiday of a lifetime without

our parents.

After we'd made them pay for it. I know
this is the first time you've ever been

away from me, but don't go crazy.

When have I ever gone crazy?

That time you drank all that shandy at
Deborah's wedding. You went pretty wild.

I was seven years old. He was running
around with his pants down, shouting,

I've got a white slug. Mum!

Oh, hello, Kevin.

Looks like just Jay we're waiting for,
then. Yes, it does look like that,

doesn't it?

God, sorry about her.

You all right, Neil? Your face is a bit
weird. Yeah, fine. Just popped a bit of

me sister's fake tan. I'll get it
started, you know.

Just on your face?

Well, it's on me hands now, too.

Right. Who's this, then, the vicar?

Me? No, no, I'm Kevin. I'm Neil's
father. Nice to meet you.

Where's Neil been hiding you, then? The
church?

Looks like a bloody vicar, doesn't he?
Oh, no, no, no, I'm not a vicar. No, no,

I know that. But you look like a vicar,
and you talk like a vicar.

A bloody gay vicar or something.

No, I'm not a vicar and I'm not gay.

No, I'm saying you look gay. But you
can't be, can you? Because old soppy

bollocks here come out your pipe.

Right, I see.

Well, you've got to get going. Don't
want you to miss that flight.

Bye-bye, poogie patoo. I love you.

Oh, and, Jay, if you're going to spend
your grandad's money chasing skirt, two

things. One, make sure she's not a hound
like the last one. And two... Try to be

a man when she dumps you for someone
with a bigger cock.

Which is everyone.

Dad.

Dads are like arseholes.

Everyone's got one, yes. But also,
they're arseholes. Which is why they

make excellent cab drivers.

Takes me back, all this. Cheap flights,
ungodly hours. Where is it you're headed

to again? Simon never tells me anything.

Malia, Mr Cooper in Greece.

Can't say I've heard of it. Of course
you haven't. It's a cool place to go.

And it's got subways.

Oh, right.

In my day, it was all about Spain.

Me and my mates went to Magaluf this one
time.

I was learning a lot about holidays, and
not just what they did to Mrs Cooper's

front bottom.

I was also learning that on a lads'
holiday, it's compulsory to wear

hilarious matching t-shirts.

Here you are.

Nice.

Right, you owe me 12 quid each, except
for you, Will, you owe me 20.

What? Why?

Because I had to bungle-bloke a few
extra quid for him to make it. Right, so

I've got to pay more money for a t-shirt
I didn't ask for and I'm not going to

wear because it carries a nickname I
didn't know I had?

Yes. Great.

Many a flight.

No,

I'm not. It is well not.

Might be too hot. Might be.

Oh!

Connie!

Connie!

Coles!

Cole.

Sorry.

Wait, Jay.

Jay. Lady Men's, 10 o'clock.

Jay.

Jay!

Didn't you see them girls? Why don't you
chirp some? Yeah, I can't handle that

many at once, Neil. Really? What about
our netball team?

Yeah, that was alright, cos that was a
luxury caravan.

But this coach is way too small for my
moves.

Oh, of course.

Right, so the plan is, get to the
apartment, unpack, get some sleep, then

head out fresh tomorrow. First stop, the
Minoan Palace at Knossos.

Have you come on a lad's holiday by
mistake?

We haven't come halfway round the world
to look at some boring fucking Greek

ruins. Yeah, you can see that shit
anywhere.

Look, we get there, drop the bags off,
then go straight out and get

spasticated. Simples.

But I've not slept for 37 hours. Well,
shut up and try and get some sleep on

here, then.

Fine. Good idea.

We love you, Burnley!

We do!

We love you, Burnley!

We do!

We love you, Burnley! We do!

Oh, Burnley, we love you!

Oh, Burnley!

Oh, Burnley!

It's wonderful!

It's wonderful!

Burnley! It's wonderful!

Can you hear the Preston sing? I can't
hear a fucking thing! When people now

ask me if I like football, I say yes. I
do like football.

But not Burnley.

Burnley can fuck off.

It

was

a tense moment.

Someone was obviously staying here.

Right then, Mackenzie party.

This is you.

Good one, fellas.

Don't worry, it'll look nice when it's
finished.

Oh, God, all right!

This time they're like the pictures.

I still don't know how the dog died. I
can only presume it threw itself in the

well rather than stay here.

You willy?

Yes.

Here, key.

You have fun, but not too much fun.

You shit on floor, 50 euro fine.

Each time.

All right, lads. Are you stopping here?

Yes, we are.

Bad luck. I've just come back from
Afghanistan and conditions there are

better than this shithole. I can't wait
to get back to lying in a dusty trench

being shot at by some raghead.

Are you married?

No. Don't get married.

The wife bought this, but somehow it's
my fucking fault.

Anyway, pop down for a beer if you
fancy.

I'll see yous later.

Steve!

You owe me 50 euros.

As we entered our new home, wondering if
our human rights had been breached, I

couldn't help thinking a shit on the
floor might have cheered the place up a

bit.

Shotgun this room. Shotgun the sofa bed.
Well, where am I going to sleep then?

Not really my problem.

What's that? Is that the bath?

Of course it's not the bath, you fucking
idiot. There's the bath there.

That's the kids' toilet.

Is it? Yes.

Why's it got a plug on when I tap, then?

Cos it's for checking your kid's shit
before you flush it. Oh, that's grim.

Yeah, I know. That's the Continentals,
innit? They're dirty.

See? That looks nice.

I'm not sleeping in a fucking bathtub
for two weeks, Simon.

We'll have to share this over bed. Ooh,
hello!

Right, well, while you two decide who
gets first go on each other's cocks, I'm

getting ready and getting out there. The
gash isn't gonna fuck itself, you know.

Charming.

Finally, smelling like an industrial
accident at the Lynx factory and looking

like the world's shittest boy band, we
hit the town.

Oh, heads down, boys. Shit.

What? Why?

We haven't done anything.

Foreign police, innit? So?

Don't you even know about foreign
police?

What? Short-sleeved uniforms?

Chunky truncheons? Oh, fucking hell.

Mate, they're all corrupt.

And basically, if you misbehave and
don't have the money to bribe them, they

take you up to these shepherd's huts in
the hills, beat you up and bum you.

And if they don't kill you, you kill
yourself because of the shame of getting

a boner while she was being bummed.
Right, couple of things.

Firstly, the hills here are full of
timeshares, not deserted shepherd's

huts. Secondly, Crete's in the EU, so I
think the standard of policing probably

goes beyond bumming and forced suicide.

Believe what you want, I'm keeping a
bribe up my arse just in case.

You're going to spend the whole holiday
with 20 euros rolled up inside your

arsehole? It's been up there since the
seatbelt signs went off, mate.

All right, lads, holiday's it, yeah?

I'm at it on my own, having a mental
time.

Can I have a beer? Oh, here you go,
mate.

No, you can't. All right, which is it?
You say yes, he says bloody no. He's not

your boss, is he, eh?

Sorry, do we know you?

Anyways, here's a good one for you, is
that right? Get a torch and walk along

the beach at night and you get to watch
people fucking.

They're all drunk and you get to see,
like, tits and cocks and that.

If you're into cocks, which he looks
like he is.

Well, it's been great talking to you,
but we've really got to get a move on.

Can I come round yours for a shower?

Um, no.

No, cool beans.

See you later, lads.

Richard, yeah?

Richard.

Well... Richard was clearly mental, but
as we're about to discover, so is

everything else here.

While Simon was seeing Carly everywhere,
Jay was seeing some very lucky ladies.

She'd get it. Most definitely.

Oh, and that one, she'd get it. And that
one.

And that one. And that one, she'd get
it.

Right in the bumholey. I can't believe
I've already got a bird.

Gutted. So fucking what? All birds know
what goes on tour stays on tour.

No, I couldn't do that to Nicole.

I think I love her. And I never loved
anything before, apart from a car or a

sandwich. If the build-up gets too much
for you, mate, you can always borrow one

of my johnnies. Have a wank royale. Oh,
cheers, Jay. A what?

A wank royale. It's a wank with a johnny
on. It's a bit more expensive, so I tend

to save it for special occasions.

Birthdays, Christmas, the Champions
League final. Exactly. All right, lads,

are you up for a good time? Yeah, we're
always up for a good time. We're in a

pussy patrol.

Right. Well, if you really are the Pussy
Patrol... Which we are. You're obviously

getting Marcos.

It's the most buzzing bar out here,
always packed with a really chilled-out,

sexy vibe.

Know what I mean?

I don't really know what you mean. When
you say sexy vibe, do you mean girls?

Of course.

Loads of girls.

And I'll sort you out half-price drinks
and a free fishbowl.

Cool, cool, cool. So, will you be in
there with your sexiness, making the

vibe all sexy, being all sexy and that
sexy?

Say sexy more. Well, I will be if you're
going to be there, you saucy bugger.

Come on, then.

Here you go, these four.

I'll see you in a bit. Mine's a Bacardi
and Coke.

Large one.

Saucy. See you later.

Fucking hell, you're well in there,
mate.

Yep, he shoots, he scores. Right up the
vag.

Oh, my God, if she's outside, imagine
the birds inside.

Ah, interesting.

Well, it must get going a bit later. She
did say it was amazing. Then why would

she lie?

Hi, mate.

Four pints, four Jagermeisters and a
fishbowl, please.

Hello.

When it's good here.

Sorry?

When here, party good.

Oh, what, normally about an hour or two?
Well, as we've paid, maybe we should

hang on then.

This year?

Never. Thanking you very much.

OK, let's go.

Fuck off.

My bird will be down in a minute.

Do you mean the woman who's quite
clearly on commission to trick people

into this empty bar?

No, I mean the little hottie outside
that I was flirting with. I'll take that

as a yes, then. I'm going nowhere till
she's sucked me off. So you're going

nowhere? Jay, we're on holiday.

I'm meant to be out there trying to hit
on girls I think are beneath me, but

who, for their part, won't give me the
time of day. So let's go.

Oh, hello, Elias. Those little lovelies
from the coach.

That one's not so little.

I think they're looking at us. And not
in a weird, terrified, leave-us-alone

way.

Amazing. Jay, you're drunkies. Go over
and talk to them. Nah, not me, mate.

None of them are as fit as my one
outside.

Why go for hamburgers when you've got
steak at home? If, like you, you have

neither anywhere.

It's up to you then, Si.

Oh, shit, really? I don't know if I'm
over Carly.

Ow! Can you stop that?

Yes, I can.

When you stop being such a pussy about
your ex.

It's time to get back on the horse now,
Si.

And those little ponies need feeding.

Feed the pony.

Yeah, OK, I'll introduce us, but we've
all got to go over together.

Great. You fucking sad cases. You don't
just walk up to a girl in a club and

introduce yourself.

It's creepy.

Clubs have different rules, you dick.

Look, you dance over near them, make the
eyes, then get them to dance with you.

Really? Annoyingly, that does sound
right.

Thank you. And then after a bit, you
stand up behind them, pretend to slap

them and fuck them up the arse.

That might be a bit much. Yeah, I don't
know. Oh, fucking hell, I'll do it. What

about Nicole?

It's only dancing. She likes my dancing.
Stick with me, you'll be fine.

Right then, Si.

Looks like the holiday starts here.

Am I doing it right?

Am I in time?

Maybe a bit out, but not so you notice.

Copy nil.

Sorry, do you mind if I come and talk to
you because you look nice and Frankie

that's just humiliating for everyone
involved Sit down specs

Hello, I'm Lucy hi, I'm diamond Simon

of Simon I Bet I'll get stuck with a fat
one.

So when Allison initially suggested
Malia, we all thought yeah, why not?

It'll be ironic Then we had a reality
check and we thought, do we honestly

want to spend two weeks somewhere being
ironic? And obviously the answer was no.

So then we looked at other places, but
we realised actually we did just want to

have a laugh and go clubbing and get
drunk and be silly and that this might

genuinely be a really good place to
come. So fuck it. Here we are.

Just so you know, I've met a really fit
bird and she'll be along any minute, all

right? OK.

She won't mind you talking to me then,
will she?

If our dancing was bad, and it was
bad... Then our small talk was even

worse.

Sorry, will you excuse us a moment?

What's going on?

What do you mean?

What do you think I mean?

Why aren't you talking to the girls?

I get, like, words making sounds in my
head, but they don't come out.

Well, that's easy to fix.

Just say them.

Move your mouth and say them.

Well, I can't pork any of them anyways,
because they're Nicole.

But it would be nice to make a
connection, like on them TV shows when

people make a connection.

Oh, this is hopeless.

Well, I don't exactly see you charming
your way into their knickers.

I just danced for the first time in my
life. It's hard to know what to follow

up with.

Maybe you could pretend to not have the
personality you've got.

Like, pretend to be someone cool.

Thanks, Simon. Thank you. Big help.
Yeah.

Actually, it's probably best you don't
even try.

No, I am going to try.

If anything, I'm going to try too hard.

But she is well out of your league.
Like, well, well, well out of your

league. So?

All girls are like her out of my league.

What's the point of going with girls in
my league? Look at me.

Imagine my league.

Oh, God.

Uh, Jay, mate, I think you missed the
toilet.

You saying I can't hold my drink?

You're pissing your drink all over the
floor.

So? It's still the toilet.

This whole room's the toilet.

Neil, can you chuck me a paper towel?

Wipe the drip from a knob.

Birds don't like it when it tastes
pissy.

Okay, come on, guys. We've done the hard
bit. Let's not fuck this up.

I just can't think of what to say.

Just talk about something you love.

Something you're passionate about.

Right. Oh, cool.

Got it. I know exactly what to say. It's
pretty devastating because she's

definitely the most beautiful girl I've
ever met. She's so fascinating.

She's really funny, you know?

Oh, right.

In what sort of way?

Just like... You know when something's
funny and people get it?

Yes. So in that way.

And also in a comedy way.

Neil was a man of few words. But even
for him, this was ridiculous.

Not that I was faring that much better
myself.

So did this place hire you out as some
sort of avant-garde dance troupe to

scare the customers off?

No. I lost my mind and agreed to come
here on holiday.

What's your excuse?

Sort of similar.

I came out here earlier this summer and
fell crazy in love with the gorgeous

locals, and now I'm back.

Hilarious. Of course you did. What was
he, a barman or a waiter?

Waiter. Brilliant. Was he called
Stavros?

Nikos. Too good.

I bet he's different to all the boys
back home.

Yeah, he understands women, for one. I'm
sure he does. He must get enough

practice.

Not only had Jane not offered to buy
Jane a drink, he'd now stopped paying

for his own.

Meanwhile, Simon was on a roll.

So they and Kylie said we needed some
space, and Una's coming up, so maybe

she's right.

Sorry, who's right?

Carly? Who?

Carly, my ex.

You went out with a girl called Carly?

You should have said.

What? I did. That's all I've been
talking about.

Oh!

Yes, I was joking.

Sorry for going on about her. I usually
get a smack in the balls to stop me.

What? Um, nothing.

Meanwhile, Neil had a trump card to
play.

Do you want to dance?

Meanwhile, Alison didn't seem to be
enjoying my hilarious Greek waiter

impression. So I presume he wooed you
with the old, I love you, I love you,

you only girl for me, there's no other
girl in my life.

Oh wait, here comes an ex-plane from
Newcastle, I gotta go, baby.

Sorry, you do realise that I'm not
playing along with a joke? I do

genuinely have a Greek waiter boyfriend
called Nikos. No, of course you do,

brilliant Nikos. You've really nailed
the clichés.

You are joking, aren't you?

No.

His grandmother has a moustache as well,
if that makes the stereotype even

funnier for you. I'm sorry. I'm sure
he's not like every other waiter out

here. It's fine. You don't know what
you're talking about.

Your accent was pretty good, though.

Oh, I've got to go.

Don't want to miss my stereotypical
Greek boyfriend. He might get angry and

smash some plates.

Or commit atrocities in Anatolia.

You're not normal, are you?

You're right, Luce.

What's that bloke you're dancing with?

Luce, we should go. Nico's finished
soon. I don't want to miss him.

So, shall we all hang out again
sometime?

Yeah, you lot don't seem too bad. If I
hear another bloke out here refer to

women as gash, I'll scream.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, that is horrible. It's awful when
men do that. It's disgusting. It's

really bad.

Do you fancy coming to the all-day boat
party Friday?

I know it's meant to be sold out, but
our rep reckons he can still get

tickets. All-day boat party? What's
that?

Well, it's a party.

Okay. All day.

Yep. On a boat.

Oh, right.

Well, now that's been cleared up, we
should go.

See you later, Will.

Amazing.

Do you realise we just danced over,
chatted up some girls, they loved it,

and you didn't fuck it up? Me?

Are we players?

I'm starting to think that here, unlike
at home, we might actually be players.

Maybe. I'm not really sure what that
means.

However, as I've not slept now for two
days, I'm going to bed. Yeah, my

eyeballs feel like they've got paper
cuts.

Jay, you coming?

Fuck that.

There's a thick bird up there who's so
wet for me I can hear the waves breaking

in her fanny.

I'm going to down this and take her down
the beach and fuck her brains out.

Right, well, we've established that
isn't happening.

Fine. Watch me.

Mm, classy.

We'd better get Neil.

Neil. Oh, God.

We're off.

Right, won't be a minute. I should
finish up here.

Christ, Neil, what about Nicole?

Oh, she won't mind. We're not kissing.

Yeah, it's just fingers, isn't it,
lover?

Right.

Yeah, I'll catch you lot up. One second.

He's definitely picked up the pace.

While Neil picked up his finger-banging
speed, we picked up Jay, and he had a

chilling prediction to share with us.
She's gonna suck my nub-nub dry, you

watch. I'd rather not watch if it's all
the same to you.

Shit, is that Carly?

Look, Si, it's normal that after a
break-up you'll think you see her

everywhere, but she's not here.

Yeah, I suppose.

Could be her.

What? Could be her. She is out here at
the moment.

What?

We weren't sure where the best place to
go was, and her and her mates are pretty

cool, so I asked them where they was
going and when, and that's why I booked

Malia. You fucking idiot. I came away to
try and get over her. Did you?

You know I did.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Oh, God, look at her.

Do you think this is fate?

Her being here, me being here?

No. I think Neil asked her where she was
going and then booked the same place,

like you just said. Let's go before she
sees us.

No. No, I've got to go and talk to her.
If there's even the slightest chance of

us getting back together, I've got to
take it.

What are you doing here? Stalking you
abroad.

No, the opposite, actually. Just a
mix-up with my friends.

My stupid fucking idiot friends.

Well, whatever.

It's great to see you. Is it?

Yeah, it is, of course.

Of course.

So, as we're here, why don't we hang
out?

How about right now?

Now? I can't now, but you'll be at the
boat party on Friday, right? The boat

party? I was literally just talking
about the boat party. It's going to be

amazing. The best way to run it for
holiday.

What? Why are you going?

Don't go. I've got to go. My flight
leaves on Saturday.

The boat's our last chance to party.

Right. Well, I'll definitely be there
then. For total, one million percent.

Definitely. Cool. It'll be great to hang
out again.

I've missed you.

Oh, Jesus.

Fuck it. Sorry, mate.

James, are you all right, Simon?

You're fine.

I'll walk it off.

Cool, yeah. Come on, we've got to go.

Oh, do you two know each other?

Yeah, James is our rep. Rep, unofficial
rep. I sort out club nights. There'll be

a party organised in PR.

Just make sure everyone's having a good
time, you know what I mean?

Are you sure you're all right, mate?

All good.

Cool. Cars, come on.

Bye, Simon. See you on the boat.

See you, mate.

Mind that leg.

I'll sort you out a free fishbowl.

Oi, baby, you stood me up.

Oh, I didn't wait long enough to see
her.

Come on, kiss me.

I'm working, darling.

I love your boobs.

What?

What gives you the right to touch me,
you fucking prick?

What? Sorry, I think you might have had
a little too much of the old drink.

I am sick of every dickhead thinking
he's got touching rights just because I

smiled at him. It's my fucking job, you
cretin.

Are you on the blob?

Sexy. I like it.

No, Jay.

Time for bed.

Oh, fuck that. You two can bum
yourselves to death on the sofa bed.

I'm going to get another drink. Jay,
don't be insane. You're too drunk

already. I'm on fucking holiday. You
can't be too drunk.

You coming, Neil? No, I like it in
there. And the way I see it, not

sleeping for two nights is pretty much
the same as not sleeping for one night.

Right, fine.

Fucking knobheads.

How was your chat?

Amazing. Carly is here, Will.

That's what she was worried about, us
being apart.

That's why we split up. But we're not
apart because we're both here.

I just need to get on that boat.

Actually, can one of yous help me? I
think she might be a two-man job.

What happened to your leg? Oh, I got a
little bit run over. A little bit run

over?

The next morning I was woken up by what
sounded like Bigfoot having an asthma

attack.

Simon?

Simon?

Christ, there's like a swarm in here.

Have you got any water?

What the fuck is that noise?

I think it's Neil.

Oh no, not the dinner lady from last
night.

Well,

it's her or Johnny Vegas.

Interesting question.

This is beyond creepy.

Okay, I'm getting out of here.

How can I spend 100 euros?

Holy shit, I only budgeted 15 euros a
day.

Great, so I spunked all my money in one
night.

Right. Oh, Jesus, Neil.

Oh, don't worry about that. It's on the
way down.

Have you seen Jay?

Shit, no, not since last night.

No, I mean, have you seen him? He's over
there.

So Jay had slept face down in the dirt,
but I'd woken up listening to Neil

getting sucked off.

As far as I was concerned, he won.

Your face.

Yeah, you got something on your face.

It appears Jay's slept in a dance nest.

Pain.

Tongue.

It's all right, boys. Kitty don't bite.

Not now she's been fed.

Eh, lover?

What the fuck was that?

I'll tell you what does bite, though.

Hands. 86, 87, 88.

88 fucking bites.

Oh, sorry. I asked for two poached eggs.

It's poached, look.

No, this is fried and an egg, singular.

Yes, poached.

I promise with all my heart. So you're
promising me, with all your heart, that

this is two poached eggs?

Yes. Berger?

Oh, that's mine, tough.

Wait, I'm starving. Where's my bacon
sandwich?

I thought you'd have eaten enough pig
last night.

Mate, what were you thinking?

I don't know. She was saying all this
dirty stuff and she looked a bit like

Will's mum, so I thought, why not?

She didn't look like my mum, Neil. She
did a bit. No, she did not.

I bet she did when she had his cock in
her mouth. Brilliant. Don't you feel bad

about Nicole?

Who? Nicole, the girlfriend you've just
cheated on. Oh, no, no, because only the

tip went in. Any more than the tip is
cheating and I would never do that

because I've got ethics.

Right. Well, see you lot later.

Where are you going?

I'm going to find those girls.

They should be at the hotel. Lucy said a
rep could still get boat party tickets.

Oh, wow.

That's an interesting story.

Well, it is, actually, because guess
who's going to be there?

Carly. Ow!

Look, she invited me to the party. She
said she missed me.

There's got to be a chance she's... On
all fours, sucking that bloke off.

No, she wants us to get back together.
What bloke?

Look, you're meant to be here to forget
about Carly.

Oh, not me, Neil.

I'll help you find them, Si.

They were fun. It'd be good to see them
again.

Alison was nice.

Fine, fuck it, I'll help.

Shouldn't be too hard to find.

Probably spot the lard arse I got stuck
with from outer space.

Neil? Can't. I had a nightmare. I left
me trunks in England, didn't I? Swear

you're Calvin's, mate. They're
practically the same.

Can I, Will? Um, yeah, I suppose.

And can I ring a bell?

Yes, Neil.

Yes, you can.

Unsurprisingly, the girls' hotel was
nicer than our hotel.

There are North Korean prison camps
which are nicer than our hotel.

But like a North Korean prison camp, it
was overcrowded, so we had nowhere to

sit. What about here?

They've got towels on them, Neil. So?
That means people have bags in them. We

can't take those.

Fuck that.

No, Jay, we can't. Watch me.

It's probably just a load of krauts that
got down early in the morning to reserve

them. That towel's got Finding Nemo on
it. Oh, what?

So Nazis can't like Disney too?

Jay!

Besides, I really need a lie down.

My head's more fucked than Neil's dad's
arsehole.

Jay, please.

Jay and Neil were off to, as they put
it, check out the chicas.

But I had a serious problem.

In the absence of my mother or a
teacher, I needed help with my sunblock.

Simon, will you do my back?

No.

No? I don't want to touch you.

Unbelievable. Fine, I'll do it myself.

Look, all right, I'll do it with one
finger. Thank you.

I've got too much here and here.

I'll scrape it off.

Okay, but don't try and be funny and
draw a cock on my back or something. No,

of course not.

Right, all done.

See? That wasn't so bad, was it? No,
that was fine.

I was really enjoying my book,
blissfully unaware of the crudely drawn

phallus burning itself onto my skin.

Meanwhile, Jay was having trouble with
his emergency funds.

You all right? Yeah, it's just that 20
euros.

Aye, aye, Jay, here we go. We've been
spotted.

Seen them.

Look cool.

Manchester!

Manchester!

Who's this little twat? You from
Manchester?

You like Manchester?

Yeah, yeah, near Manchester.

No, you aren't. Shut up, Neil. The birds
are loving it.

Go!

Yeah, go!

Go to Manchester, yeah!

Oh, Manchester, bow!

Ah, yeah, hilarious. Now, get out the
wiley.

Whoa!

What,

are you fucking dead, you little shit?

No, mate, just leave it. The chicas are
looking. Just laugh it off.

No, I'm fine for drinks, thanks.

Oh, Alison.

Hello. Hello.

You know you've got a spunking cock on
your back?

What?

Oh, no.

Thanks, Simon. Very funny, very mature.

So I've been lying here with a cock on
my back, have I? Not for the first time.

I'll burn a muff on my tit if it makes
you feel less self-conscious.

It would, actually. We'd make quite the
pair.

We've got a really good spot here.

Yes, Jay, um, sorted them. Did he use
some of his boyish charm?

In a way, yes.

I think I might start drinking again.
Anyone fancy joining me?

Yes, I will.

Oh, lucky me.

Oh, knackered.

Fishbowl hangover?

No, Nikos was over last night.

Does not stop talking.

No, we were having sex.

Right.

Sorry, does it make you uncomfortable
when I mention sex?

No, no, it's good. It's great that
you're so sexually active.

Yeah, I suppose it is.

What's the best sex you've ever had,
Will?

Will? Um, hard to say, really.

Come on, you can tell me.

Oh, I don't like to sex and tell.

Don't be boring. Just tell me.

Look, I'm going to level with you.

I have never put my penis in a lady.

That's all right. You're a virgin.
That's cool.

It's definitely not cool.

If anything, it's famously uncool. Well,
it's cute, then.

Oh, God, that's even worse.

You're funny, Will.

That's something. Can I get a girl into
bed for sex just by making her laugh?

Of course you can.

Wow.

Great.

If she's a clinical moron.

Lucy, it's so amazing to see you.

Well, welcome.

Nice to see you too.

Yeah, good. Now, can you still get boat
party tickets?

I'd have thought so. I'd just have to go
and find the rep.

So you're coming along then?

Yeah, of course. It'll be amazing.

Great. Because Carly's here, in Malia,
and she's going to be on the boat

tomorrow. If I can just get five minutes
alone with her and know we'll fix things

up. It's fate.

So can you go and get those tickets?

You really know how to make a girl feel
special, don't you?

Yeah, yeah, I know. Carly is going to
love it.

Can you hurry up?

Simon's plan was coming together.

Meanwhile, Jane was about to experience
the full force of Jay's boyish charm.

Can you move? You're blocking the sun.

Charming. What's happened to your face,
Jay?

It's a food allergy.

I could do with one of those.

Maybe a nice, fun allergy?

Yeah, you could.

Meanwhile, Neil had a surprise in store
for Lisa.

Forgot my chunks.

Fancy a swim?

Oh, leave it there, you little prick.

Right, that's it.

I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'm gonna
fucking kill you. Oi, those are our

sunbeds. And where's our towels?

Oh, good.

Well, there weren't any towels when we
arrived. We've been here for the last

hour. I didn't ask to read your fucking
diary, love. I said, where's our towels?

Now, there's no need to be abusive. If
you look around, there are signs

everywhere saying you can't reserve
sunbeds. So you moved our towels?

The point I'm making is whatever the
fate of the towels, these cannot be your

beds. What have you done with my fucking
towels?

Sir, I get your nice other beds. Please
take up your stuff.

Me? What?

Why should we move?

Because he's made a scene? Because his
family are too lazy to walk 20 feet to

the pool?

Seriously, mate, I am warning you. Why
have a rule if you aren't going to

enforce it? The signs are redundant.

My doll!

Disabled. Of course she is. There you
go.

Happy now?

Well, obviously not.

And that isn't helping.

You lot have got five seconds to get off
my sunbed. Come on, Will. We'll just

find somewhere else.

But I still don't see why we should
move.

Yes, his daughter has a serious
condition, but isn't it like the whole

family, therefore, are entitled to
poolside seats for life?

Plus, strictly speaking, she doesn't
even need another chair.

Are you guests at this hotel?

Ah! No!

I no swim!

Please, Mr. Dead, I no swim, I beg you!
Not fall!

Ah!

All right, all right. It's just a joke.
We're mates.

And with a rough grab from a BO-ridden
security guard, Simon's perfect plan

came crashing down.

Thanks a lot, Jay.

Me? What have I done?

Oh, I don't know. Oh, yeah. Fucked
everything up for me like you always do.

I had to teach him a lesson, Si. He was
mugging me off. He was nine years old

and couldn't swim.

Now my life is ruined. Thanks. Is this
about the tickets?

Oh, boo-hoo-hoo. So you don't get to go
to the boat party. So what?

So I don't get back together with the
woman I love?

Look, it's not my fault Carly thinks
you're a prick.

You want to watch me more closely, mate,
you might actually learn something. Oh,

yeah, and what would I learn?

How to bullshit about having sex, how to
sleep in an ant's nest, how to be scared

shitless of my dad. Oh, come on, Si,
calm down. Maybe you'd learn not to be

such a massive tool over that miserable
cunt. Don't call Connie a cunt!

You had enough yet? Have you had enough
yet?

I'll ask first.

We should do something.

Yeah, do you want to go and get a
subway?

No, I meant about the fight.

We should break it up.

Yeah.

All right, come on, you two.

I'm sick of his bollocks. I'm going to
fucking do him. Oh, you're hard, Si. I

didn't see you do me just now. Come back
here then, you prick. Let's go for a

walk. Don't cry, Si. I'm not crying.
You're crying. Don't look like it.

You're crying. Come here then.

See you later then, Will.

Honestly, I'm done with that asshole.

I mean, why do I even hang around with
him?

Well, yeah, obviously we all wonder that
at times.

Look, it's been a tough couple of days.
The Carly thing is weird.

But just because you had a fight with
Jay, you don't have to leave.

I'm not leaving.

But you are aware you're packing your
suitcase.

I've never liked him.

But you've been mates since primary
school.

He's a little crybaby poof, and he's
there.

Everyone took the piss out of that. But
not me. I didn't.

Fucking wish I had now. You did a bit.

No, of course, a bit, but not enough.

He's a total twat. Oh, that's harsh,
mate. He can be a knob, but he's not a

twat. I'm going to sell my clothes.

Oh, you're having a breakdown.

She means so much to me, Will. I don't
care about anything else. If I can get

enough money together, I can buy it to
give at the boat party off someone,

somehow. Whatever it costs.

Money is all I need. I agree we need
money, but who's going to buy your

clothes? No offence, but you dress
appallingly.

Are you going to help, or just
constantly undermine me?

A bit of both, I'd imagine. Fine.

Do you think Alison likes me?

13 years he's been dragging me down.

Well, fuck him. What's that?

Boat party tickets.

I bought four the other night before I
passed out. Cost a fortune.

I thought I'd surprise him.

Well, here's his fucking surprise. Oh,
no, Jay, don't. No, fuck him, and fuck

that dick Will, too.

What shall we do now, then?

Now we have the best holiday ever.

And do what we came here to do. Get
better at swimming.

No. Go on pussy patrol.

Unfortunately for him, Simon wasn't the
only person in Malia trying to sell shit

no one wanted. Hello.

Hello. Nice lady. Good guys.

Clothes. Looky, looky. Top clothes for
sale. You want clothes? Good price.

I think he'd have more luck selling the
big glasses.

Isn't that Carly's friend?

He's a rep. I don't think they're any
friends.

All right, mate.

What's this, the world's shittiest booth
here?

No. Just sell him a close of money.

I need money desperately.

All right.

Always luck would have it I've got a
mate who's had his apartment broken

into. Fuckers nicked all his clothes.

I reckon he'll be interested. I'll call
him.

That'd be amazing. Thanks so much. No
problem, mate. All part of the service,

yeah? See?

All right, mate. Yeah, yeah. Got some
clothes.

Yeah. Got some girls' T-shirts.

These are girls, right?

No. Hoodies like your mum would buy you.

Sort of jeans Jeremy Clarkson wears.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's all shit, yeah.

Hold on. He says he'll give you 100
euros for the lot.

Amazing. Totally. Cool.

Coolio. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my
God, oh, my God.

Thanks so much, man.

Including what you're wearing now.

Really? Yeah, yeah, that's the deal.

Oh, obviously he's not gonna take his
clothes off.

Oh, nice one.

Oh, he's gonna need your pants, too.

What, these?

Fucking thieves stole everything.

Give me your pants. I'll be back before
you know it with your 100 euros. Sorry,

this has gone too far. Simon, do not
take your pants off. Stop always telling

me what to do, Will. I'm an adult.

James is doing me a favour. What are you
doing, eh?

Here. You'll be right back, yeah? Of
course I will. I'll see you very soon.

Thanks, James. Thanks so much, man.

Yeah, cheers, Abdul.

Good luck, mate.

James isn't coming back, is he?

Don't think so.

Brilliant. So we made Simon some
makeshift pants and headed home to get

changed.

Simon, please don't fart in my T-shirt.

Sorry.

Interesting.

At least somebody's enjoying themselves.

In just 24 hours, Mally had pretty much
broken me and Simon, so in a way I had

to admire Jay and Neil as they rolled up
the sleeves on their offensive t-shirts

and dived straight back in.

This place is mental.

It's Decadent Neil. That's what they
call it. This is what we came here for.

You won't find those other two muppets
in a place like this. They just shit

themselves and run away.

And now, all the way from Privilege in
Ibiza, we have a very, very special act.

Probably some big dancer who'll take one
look at me and want to bang me all

night. Yeah, and we've got the best
view. I bet you'll be able to see right

up the snatch from here.

This is it, Neil. This is a fucking
holiday.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Fernando.

It must be like a cage fight or a
martial arts type thing.

Whoa!

Is this a neck to go?

No, it's decadent.

Let's have a big cheer for Fernando, the
master of self fellatio.

I don't know if I like decadent things.

Jay and Neil never told us exactly how
close they came to Fernando's cock, but

they did say they could smell it. And
they were still having more fun than us.

Last two.

Shall we pretend they're pudding?

Alright, fellas.

Romantic dinner, is it? Yeah? I've just
had a mare, right? Some massive

bodybuilding geezer came running out the
bushes at me. God knows why. Anyway,

I've lamped him. He's gone flying. I
think I killed him.

Okay, well, it's been lovely to chat,
Richard.

He looked absolutely good. Um, no.
Simple and clear.

30? No, we're going. Are we? Where?

Terrible bar, I know. See you later,
Richard. 10?

10?

10? 10?

It's that James bloke, Carly's sucking
off. Oh, yeah. See, now, that looks like

a proper laugh.

Neil, I think it's time the Pussy Patrol
recruited some new members.

What, mate?

Do I know you?

Yeah, we're mates of Carly's.

Ah, yeah, Carly Klingon.

Nice girl, bit keen.

Yeah, our mate's in love with her, the
fucking dick. Oh, is he?

We're telling him he can have a sniff on
these if he's lucky.

Yeah, well, no, he's not really a mate.
We ditched him.

Yeah, it's too tragic.

It's a wicked place, this.

Nice vibe.

What, you think a bloke sucking his own
cock is wicked? Are you bent?

No, of course not.

We're the Pussy Patrol.

Pussy Patrol?

More like the Bumming Brigade.

The only pussy you'll get will be a cat.

Oi! I said the only pussy they'll get
will be a cat.

You know, like one of them stray cats
should get round here.

Oh, good one.

Fuck you, you lanky prick.

You two are fucking me off. Get out of
my face. Oh, no, come on, we're having a

laugh. We're all right here.

You're not fucking all right anywhere,
you scrawny little cunt. Now, fuck off

before I put a glass in your throat.

You all right, Jake?

Yeah.

Are you crying?

No, it's just the smoke in here.

There isn't any.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

Do you want to go somewhere not
decadent?

So what happens now? Probably a bit far
for my dad to come and pick us up.

Oh, great.

Be nice.

Maybe he's come to apologise.

Alright. We were just leaving, actually.

Oh, don't cry, Simon. I'm not crying.

No joke, it was you that was crying,
remember?

Neil!

Come on, Si. Sit down. Let's all share a
fishbowl. We're totally out of cash.

Yeah. We're not all lucky enough to have
had a relative die. Well, you clearly

fucked without me, so I was going to
offer to pay for your drinks. But if

you're going to be a baby about it, then
fuck it.

Were you really?

I'm not asked either way, but if I have
to, yes.

Si?

All right.

Thank you, Jay.

Shake.

Group hug?

I'm going in with just one more suicide
shot. Fucking hell.

Right,

turn up, please. Sorry, mate, I had my
fingers crossed. Oh, not again.

Oh, my God.

I never expected to see them again.

Does it matter, though, does it? Because
even if Lucy can get a ticket for the

boat party, I now can't afford one. Yes,
but incredible as it may seem, Simon, I

wasn't thinking about you.

Hi, guys.

Taking a break from drowning children.

We are. And welcome back to Malia's
Least Cool Bar.

We're regulars, obviously, but surprised
to see you here again.

Well, it's the only place we've been
where the blokes weren't total animals.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Hello, by the way. Hello, Spectacles.
Still going to get shit face, though.

Shots only.

You man enough, J-Bo?

Course. Thought you would be.

Obviously, we now rated as so sexually
non-threatening that these girls were

happy to drink with us. But to be fair,
I'd take that every time.

So I've been thinking about us.

What, the four of you?

No, me and you. Well, there is no us, so
that must have been a weird thought

process, but go on.

I'm not sure Nikos is right for you.

Interesting. Why wouldn't my sexy,
charming, caring boyfriend, who is also

a sensational lover, be right for me?

You'd say sensational, would you?

Hmm. Hmm.

It was nice of Richard Branson to lend
you an outfit.

It's Neil's. Is it really that bad?

Well, at least you look fantastic.

Right, there's only one thing for it.
We're going to say fuck it and do shots

till one of us is sick through our nose.
My money's on me.

Four monkey brains, please.

I like this, Simon.

He's fun.

Thanks very much.

Cheers. Cheers.

Oh, actually, can you patty?

Right, next.

No, no, I can't have another one. I'm
sorry. Didn't realise you really like

wheat. What?

Lightweight. Lightweight.

You're the one to talk about
lightweights.

What do you mean?

Oh, because I'm fat?

No.

What I mean, Jane, is I'm going to drink
you under the table.

You're a travel, aren't you?

You're funny.

That is why I know you don't have to
worry about getting laid.

Um, did I say I was worried?

No, but it's obvious that you are, and
you think that somehow I'm the answer.

Well, I am not, and you will be fine.

I think you might be, though.

Nonsense.

In fact, I am so confident I will make a
pact with you. If you still haven't had

sex by this time next year, I'll have
sex with you.

As long as I'm not with Nikos, of
course.

Of course.

Um, this is a joke, right?

A handshake's good. Is it possible to
get it in writing?

See? Funny.

Yes.

You like this?

Where's Neil?

He is literally incredible.

Come on, Lise.

We're getting out of here. Let's go for
a swim. Come on, you.

Can we swim, Nick?

Oh, I can't because I haven't brought my
swimming costume.

Oh, no.

I haven't brought mine either. Really?

What are you going to do?

Well, I'm going to go in naked.

You?

Oh, right.

Yeah, me too.

Totally naked.

Are they really going skinny dipping?

If I know Jane, probably, yeah.

Really?

Fucking hell, really?

Yes.

And what about you?

Well, I'm meeting Nikos in half an hour.

Of course.

So I reckon I've got time for a quick
dip.

Alison was hopelessly out of my league.
And yet, and yet... No, I had no fucking

chance.

No, yeah, good.

I will.

Go on then.

All in good time.

I'll look away if you like.

Yeah, that'd be nice, thank you.

Okay, so I'm looking away now.

And so, for only the second time today,
Simon was tricked into getting naked.

Further along the beach, for the first
time ever... Jay was close to seeing

some naked women not on a computer
screen.

Come on, Jay.

Don't be shy.

I'll take it all off if you will.

Um, all right. Just give me a minute.

Are you scared that you won't be able to
control yourself?

I can't take it anymore. Just give it a
snug.

Um, all right.

But let's go somewhere secret.

Secret?

Just give us a snog out?

Nah.

Let's go somewhere people can't see us,
okay?

Actually,

forget it. I've already seen your cock
and it wasn't pretty.

All I'm saying is that logically, we
might not have to wait a year to have

sex. Oh, really?

Yeah. I mean, once you remove Nikos from
the equation and think, as I say,

logically, it really makes no sense to
wait that long.

Do you find that your logic talks a lot
of girls into bed?

Well, no.

I was just curious to know whether this
kind of relentless pedantic chat is a

big hit with the other chicks.

Well, obviously it isn't.

Thought not.

What are you waiting for?

Um... I don't know

Take your clothes off.

That's it till next year, I'm afraid.

I've lost my glasses.

I've lost my glasses!

God, it's freezing in here.

Don't be such a wuss.

That's right, let's get someone's hair
wet, shall we?

It always looks wet anyway, gel boy.

Right, how's this for a wet look, then?

Oh, shit, sorry.

I'm really sorry. I tripped. I've lost
my glasses.

You've got a big problem now, mister. A
big fucking problem. I'm so sorry. I

didn't know you were down there doing
that.

Help!

I'm really sorry, mate. Help me!

What are you doing?

What's your fucking name, Icos?

Donner, I just need you to be a little
bit quiet for five minutes, please. Who

the fuck is that?

Come and sit down with me. I want to
talk to you. We're supposed to be

meeting up in 15 minutes, you utter,
utter scumbag.

Glasses, glasses.

It's okay.

Glasses. There they are.

Alison, I love you. I love you. You are
the only girl for me. There are no other

girl in my life.

Now, where have we heard that before?

Just shut up, Will.

Baby, you know this word, huh?

Alison, wait!

Simon?

Are you swimming naked?

Hell yeah.

That's not like you.

Well, I'm on holiday, so who knows?
Maybe it's a new me.

Oh, right.

I like the old you.

Okay, well, I'm off to bed.

Can I come?

To bed?

No, sure. I'm all wet anyway, so...
Look, I'm knackered. I've had a shitty

night. I just want to be alone.

But I'll see you at the boat party. We
can catch up properly there, okay?

Yeah, of course.

See you at the boat party.

Great. See ya.

I miss you too.

Sorry? You said it the other night?

Oh, yeah.

Lucy!

Lucy! Alison!

Wait! I'll come with you!

I want to be on my own!

Um, you're not expecting me to hit him
or anything, are you?

No! Good. I don't expect anything from
anyone but disappointment.

You'll love me, then.

And I will never have sex with anyone
again for as long as I live, and

certainly not with you.

So just fuck off. All of you, just fuck
off.

Does this affect our deal?

Fuck your deal.

Lizzie.

Oh, are you getting out?

Yes.

That was Carly. Did you see that?

Yeah, it was dark, but I saw her. Isn't
she beautiful?

Yes, she's very beautiful.

I'm going now.

Oh, okay.

I've been better.

What are you doing?

I'm thinking.

About how shit the holiday is?

Partly that.

Partly I'm thinking about putting stones
in my pockets and chucking myself in the

pool. Oh, I wouldn't swim in that. It's
rank.

Right. Also, if you put stones in your
pockets, you'll sink, so better to not

have the stones, really.

I'll bear that in mind, Neil.

I stopped believing in God when I
realised it was just dog backwards.

What? Well, when you think about it,
G-O-D...

D-O-G.

It's like an anagram, but a backwards
one, isn't it?

Right. And then after that, I just
stopped worrying about stuff.

You only get one go round, I reckon.
When you're dead, you're dead. So you

can spend your time thinking about how
things haven't gone perfect, or you can

just get on with it, have a laugh and
that.

That's what I do. I'm pretty happy.

You are, aren't you? Yeah.

Thanks, Neil.

Thanks for that.

Just remember, it's D-O-G backwards.

No, not that. No offence, but that's
moronic.

No, I mean, thanks for coming to cheer
me up. I didn't come to cheer you up. I

came to say I did a shit in the
children's toilet and I can't get rid of

it. Oh, God.

Because I thought I'd try something
different, you know, as a treat.

Neil,

what the fuck has gone into that?

You've been eating tear gas.

No, it's just a bit beer-y.

And that meatiness is probably the
kebabs.

Okay, that's it. Neil, you were right.
It may not be paradise, but we can at

least try and enjoy this place for
exactly what it is. A shithole? Yes, but

it's our shithole. So let's get out
there and get royally fucked up on Jay's

dead grandad's money.

That's what he would have wanted.

If we get €5.50, Neil, you're paying it.
But it's not on the floor. Some of it is

on the floor. Well, yes, some of it.

Is this

normal

enough for you?

Probably a bit too normal.

I'm almost going to miss him when I'm at
uni. When he's at uni, you mean?

Yeah, but I'll be at uni too.

Will you?

What, this year?

In a few weeks.

Oh, what, just because Will's going?

No, because I want to.

What about me?

What?

What am I going to do?

Um, I don't know.

I thought you knew I was going to uni.

Yeah, of course, no.

But it's just that I was going to use my
granddad's money to set us up in

business. Selling car stereos to
premiership footballers.

Neil was going to work in the depot, but
me, you and Rio Ferdinand are on sales.

I haven't a life than that.

Oh, right.

Yeah, I'm going to do sociology.

Fuck.

I'm sorry I ripped your tickets up now.

Could have had a bit of a send-off.

What tickets?

Boat party ones.

I bought them when I was pissed the
other night. I thought I'd surprise you.

Oh well.

You what? You tore them up?

Yeah.

What? After we had the fight?

Yeah. I was angry because you had a go
in that.

Yeah, sure.

Makes sense.

You fucking arsehole!

You!

I'm not gonna fucking mess you up again,
do ya? Yeah!

Yeah? Yeah!

Oh, you two can't even have a piss out
of the end of my cock in peace.

You two go on.

I'm just gonna have a little recovery
snooze.

Come on, mate.

You can have my bed tonight.

This one's a bit bitey.

Can I tell you I touched a boob tonight?

Like a real boob. A girl's one.

I didn't get to lick it though.

This has been the best night of my life.

It was the day of the boat party, and it
looked like literally everyone in Malia

had a ticket.

Well, everyone except me and Simon,
whose mood was now bluer than his balls.

If I could, I'd give you my ticket, Si.

You can.

Just give me your ticket.

Yeah, but I really want to go, Stacey.
Actually, I can't.

Take Jay's ticket.

No, I think he needs it.

What, because of Jane?

No. In case the captain dies and they
need me to drive the boat.

Eased up on the vomiting. Mainly
retching now. For the record, they don't

clean that toilet floor very often. Lots
of pubes on hands, knees, and my face

when I had a little lie down. I cannot
believe we've been eating here.

Well, they look hot. A bit young for
you, and they kneel.

Lucy.

Lucy.

Alison.

Alison. Oh, I give up.

All right, boys.

Who killed Will?

What's up with Lucy?

I don't know. If you ask her rather than
talking about your ex the whole time,

you might find out. Oh.

God, really?

Fine.

You coming to the boat party, then? You
trying to stop me? We just saw two hot

fellas dressed as firemen getting on
board.

Might need a hand with their hoses.

Might have to set fire to my knickers.

Well, I'll come with you, if you like.

No, thank you.

Come on, Lisa.

You look as bad on the outside as I feel
on the inside.

Oh, don't worry.

I feel like shit on the inside, too.

Although, I don't have a pube on my
cheek. Oh, God.

Anyway, seeing you in such a mess has at
least cheered me up a bit. Glad to be of

service. You know I have a penis I'm
burned on my back too.

Must be reassuring to know that however
bad life gets, you're not me.

It is.

Good, because that means every time
you're down, you have to come and find

me and hang out with me.

Yeah, I think I might.

Starting with today, I've got Nikos'
ticket for the boat party. Do you fancy

joining me?

Um, yes.

More than anything.

Great. On one condition, though.

Anything. At no point are you allowed to
say, I told you so.

Ooh, not sure I can guarantee that.

So it's not that I'd rather go to a
party that infinitely heightens my sense

of being out of kilter with the rest of
the world. It's just that Alison is sort

of the fittest girl I've ever met.

And maybe... It's fine, Will. Honestly,
go for it.

I'll just find a quiet spot and hang
myself.

Great. Lucy, make sure he doesn't hang
himself.

I'm off. Look at me, following my cock
like a normal person.

Sorry for saying cock.

I didn't realize I was being such a
dick.

You were.

I'm trying to say sorry.

Well, say it then.

Sorry. For being a dick?

Sorry for being a dick.

And for having too much gel in your
hair? I don't think I've got that much.

Okay, I'm sorry for having too much gel
in my hair.

You should probably get going.

I'm not that bothered.

Really? Yeah.

If you like, maybe we could hang out,
the two of us.

I quite fancy just staying by the pool.

Yeah, I mean, why spend the day having
unbelievable fun on a party boat when

you could be taking a depressed man
swimming at a family hotel?

I'm serious.

I don't mind.

I might even cheer you up.

If they let you back in.

I honestly don't think I'll be very good
company.

But thanks for the offer.

You go. I'll be all right.

Look, it's obvious how much Carly means
to you.

She's lucky, I think.

I'm sure you'll sort it out. She goes
back tomorrow.

I can feel her slipping away.

Simon, if she really means that much to
you, I want you to take my ticket.

Lucy. If you really want to go, take it.

If you really want to go.

Come on, do you do that for me?

Yeah.

Thanks.

I'll see you later. Enjoy the pool.

Will! Will! I got a ticket! I got a
ticket!

Will! I got a ticket! I got a ticket!

The boo party was Jay's promised land.

Sun, sea, booze, and who knows, maybe
even some sex, minge, fanny and tics.

And booze. And sex.

Boom. Oh, shaky shot to get us started.
You are kidding.

Oh, come on, it's the best cure.

Fair enough. What are we toasting?

To the pussy.

The pussy.

Nail. To being player.

Leas! Leas!

Si? To me and Carly!

No, you're right, mate. Fuck off.

Fine. Well, I'm going off to find her
anyway.

Oh, Si, I forgot something.

What?

Oh, for fuck's sake!

You know, I should probably find Jane. I
promised her a dance.

What?

What? No, just a dance. And then we
could get some proper fit gash.

But Jane's all right, you know. She's a
laugh.

The fat ones are always jolly.

Neil, what a horrible thing to say.

Just you and me then, Will? Oh, no.

Oh, God. What was I thinking? Tequila?

Shit. Sorry.

Sorry.

Make your bloody mind up, you wally.

Richard. All right, mate? All right.

How's it going?

Yeah, not too bad. I was DJing at this
techno club, right, and this mental emo

bird comes over to me and says, I want
you to piss on me and then fuck me. So I

pissed all over her. And then fucked
her?

No, she was covered in piss.

Oh, of course.

Anyway, the other day, right, I started
crying. I couldn't stop. So, yeah, my

mum and dad have flown over to take me
home. Pretty cool.

Yeah.

Come and say hello? Alright.

Dad, Mum.

Hiya.

Back off, bitch!

Not this time.

Jane? Jane?

Oh, hello.

Sure you want to be seen with me?

Yeah, I do. I really do.

Can we have that snuff now? What?

Now, here, right in front of everyone.

Um... Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah? Well, I'm not that kind of
girl.

Oh. So, I suggest we find somewhere a
little more private.

I don't mind. I told you, I do. And to
be fair, in private, you might get a

blowjob out of it.

Where have you been? I've been looking
all over for you. I need to tell you

something. I know.

Get it all up.

A little easier on the sunburnt cock,
please.

Sorry.

It's fine.

I mean, what a total twat.

Me? No.

Nikos, the total and utter Greek twat.

Did you see her? She was hideous. She
must have been at least 30.

I told you so.

You arsehole. You had to say it, didn't
you? Even in the fucking state you're

in, you couldn't resist.

Sorry, but at least I'm consistent.

Yes, you are, aren't you?

Okay. So I think I'd like to revise my
offer.

How about instead of having sex with you
in a year, I have sex with you all year?

What? It's a one-time offer.

To confirm, do you mean like a
girlfriend or like a prostitute?

I was thinking more like a girlfriend.

Could you write it down? No!

I am not going to write it down.

Look, what I'm trying to say is I like
you.

Despite myself, I really do like you.

If you like me too, then we're on.

But not till you've brushed your teeth.

Oh.

What's she doing?

You know we could do this forever.

Yeah, I know, yeah.

Oh, God, Carls, I thought I'd lost you.
I thought I'd lost you. And no matter

how many times they hit me in the balls,
I knew I was right.

And I've worked it all out. It was so
simple.

I'll just get a job near your uni for
three years, four if you do an MA, and

then we can be together forever.

Forever.

Just like we should be.

Carly, what's wrong?

Did you hear what I said?

Something about being hit in the balls?

Well, yeah, but mainly about being
together forever.

Sorry, Simon. Could you just kiss me
again?

Sorry, Carls.

This is wrong.

What?

I've made a bad choice today.

I honestly wish you all the best with
your life.

But right now I have to leave.

I don't think you'll ever see me again.

But I'll see you at your mum's birthday
in two weeks' time.

Well, yeah, but then after that.

And then your brother's 16th the
following week. It was more of a

metaphorical thing.

Anyway, I'll see you around, Carls.

Yes. At your mum's. Please, can I
just... Thank you.

Below deck, Neil was being as faithful
as ever to his girlfriend by

aggressively dry-humping Lisa to within
an inch of her life.

Neil.

Neil, stop.

What's up? Is it my zip? I can undo it
if you want.

No, it's not that.

I just think this is wrong. I feel bad
for your girlfriend.

No, it's fine. We aren't kissing.

Yeah, but look at what we are doing.

I mean, how do you think you'd feel if
you saw her doing this with a guy?

I don't want to be treated like this.
I've got ethics.

Yeah, yeah, you're right. It's just that
Nicole dumped me before we got out

here and I didn't want to say anything
to the others because I was embarrassed.

Oh, Neil.

Yeah, she sent me this text saying,
like, you dance like a twat, you are

dumped.

It broke me up.

So this is fine. And if you want, we can
even kiss.

Oh, Neil.

Is that true?

Really? Yeah, of course.

If you like.

That was just... I mean, did it not
taste funny? Because it looks funny.

All right, mate.

Who's this, then? Hi, I'm Jane.

She's my girlfriend.

Oh, is she?

Fucking hell.

You want to be careful she doesn't fall
overboard.

Because I'll get harpooned. Because they
might think I'm a new island. Because

all the water will splash out onto the
land. Heard them all. Take your pick.

Fucking hell, Tubbs. All right. It was
only a joke.

Anyway, seeing as you're coming out
there like a naughty boy, how about you

do me a favor?

I need a note for the old two.

We weren't doing drugs, actually.

Christ. For a sec, I hope you were.

There are laws against fucking cattle,
mate. Even in Greece.

Now, I'm going to need to take that note
off you.

Well, you're a mate.

You don't mind, do you?

Give.

No, no, not at all.

Here you are, mate. Already rolled.

Cheers. I'll keep this, yeah? No
problemo.

I think the government's anti-drugs
campaign would be more successful if

they pointed out that every now and
again there's a small chance you might

accidentally snort some poo.

Simon, you alright?

Yeah.

Yeah. For the first time in my life, I
think I actually am.

I'm clear, anyway.

How'd it go with Carly?

Long-term good, short-term horrific.

Have you murdered her?

No, but I am starting to think that
maybe Carly's not all that. Well, it's

taken a while. Don't like the nether. I
think Lucy might be the one.

Yes, obviously.

Lucy's much nicer and actually likes
you.

But I'm worried I might have been a bit
of a dick to her. Well, you've been more

than a bit of a dick to her. You've been
a massive dick to her.

She still likes you anyway.

Good. That's really good.

Does he always strip when he's happy?

Yeah, normally.

Simon? You can't go up there. There's a
sign.

Oh, sign?

Alison, will you text Lucy and tell her
I'm coming to get her?

Of course I will.

Will you?

All right.

Yeah. What are you doing up there, Liv?
I'm going to swim back to shore and tell

Lucy how I feel.

How romantic.

It is, isn't it?

Bollocks. You can see the shore.

I've swum further than that underwater.

Do it. Just swim there and show her what
she means to you and then kiss her.

On the fanny.

Sorry, darling.

Right, fuck it. You only live once.

I think he might be drowning.

Simon. I think I've shit myself.

Lucy, it's normally bigger. It was cold.

One of us should probably have gone to
hospital with Simon. But to be perfectly

honest, we had more important things to
do.

This is how we like to live our life. I
got a feeling everything is going to be

all right. So come on, come on, come on.

We like to sleep all day.

The party of life. This is how we like
to live our life.

I got a feeling everything is going to
be all right. So come on, come on, come

on. Let's party, that's our nation.

He said again no he's ever

wanted

This can't be happening.

I said, oh Lord, this can't be
happening.

Going to the race, trying to drive back
to money, back and forth, trying to

break it. But tears left and said, it
shouldn't have been me.

She won't live, cause cried when she got
cross and know that she always lost.

Yeah, she sold it all.

Please come home!

It's gone!