Original subtitles

So, you see, the thing is, Dad, I could reapply next year, but if I defer and

try again for Oxford, then I'll probably lose my place at Bristol, which is a

good university, but not my dream.

Do you think it matters in the long term, or is the subject and standard of

degree more important?

So, I got married.

What? To Susie, we got married.

You mean remarried. This time it's for keeps, though.

When did this happen?

A few weeks ago.

I was going to invite you, but I know how you are around people.

How am I?

Awkward. Weird.

I don't live in a cave.

I live in suburban London.

I spend my entire life around people.

Much as I'd like to, it's almost impossible to avoid them. See, this is

what I mean.

Well, was it a big wedding?

No. A couple of hundred close friends and family.

And it was perfect.

I can't believe you didn't invite me to your wedding.

So what are you up to this summer?

Oh, you're changing the subject?

Mm-hmm.

Fine. I don't know. I guess I'll be going on holiday.

Oh, this should be good.

What have you got planned?

Trans-Siberian Express.

Fossil hunting in Dorset. Or maybe something even weirder.

No, actually, something normal.

I'm going to go somewhere normal, with my normal friends, to a place full of

normal people.

And you, of course.

In case you were wondering, that was me with my father.

And this is where I live.

Not with him, but with my mother.

It's a long story.

Well, not that long. He shagged the work experience girl and then left us. Sort

of cliched, really.

Plus, it only happened two years ago, which means I don't even get the luxury

of blaming my various personality defects on their divorce.

Anyway, that's how I ended up here. The very definition of suburbia.

Safe, comforting, stifling, boring, and I couldn't wait to fucking leave.

Maybe that's unfair.

As they do say that you never know what goes on behind the neck curtains of

suburbia. Although in my friend Jay Cartwright's case, you could have a

pretty good guess.

Are you ready to have some fun, big boy?

I'm feeling sexy.

Take off the mask, baby. Let me see you.

Nah.

You promised this would be... Properly filthy, yeah? Oh, yes, like a bomb

explode from your penis or sexy like... Fingered up bumhole. Christ, you make me

so erect.

Oh, yes, you also make me erect.

Now, pudding cart details.

Oh, I'm so horny. Don't forget security number. I'm back.

Come on, Maria.

Right, Jay's mum.

Where's Jay?

Oh, hello, Neil. He's at home updating his CV.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh. It's a bit over, is that OK?

Not really.

Excuse me, my prawns. Sorry, mate, I finished at six.

Cheers to that.

You don't have to thank me every time.

All right, cool.

You're so fit.

Simon, we need to talk. Oh, we're not talking.

Look, it's been great so far. It's been amazing.

Literally the best year of my life. My spot's clearing up, not moving to Wales,

and now you.

And I'm definitely getting better at kissing, aren't I?

I think we should break up.

What? We're both going away to uni soon, and it'll be too hard to keep it going

long distance.

It won't be fair on either of us. I don't mind.

You will mind, though. You will. I bloody won't. Plus, I'm going on holiday

soon, so there's that.

Why? What are you planning to do on holiday?

Maybe you should just go home. I just need some space to think at the moment.

Okay, fine.

So I'll see you later, yeah?

Or whenever.

Mum, I'm back! When's tea?

It better be delicious!

Tell me you love me.

Tell me you love me. Oh, yes, I like you. Oh, I like you.

Yeah, I'm just looking at holidays. It's just holidays.

Jay, can you come downstairs, please? Your grandfather's died.

You got a lady there, you bad boy.

Has she got nice titties? Suck on the lady's titties. Suck them. Go on.

It was our last ever day of school, something my new stepmum had experienced

only four years ago herself.

So the head of Sixth was going to say a few inspirational words.

And if ever there was a man for the job, it wasn't lunatic giant Mr Gilbert.

I will forget each and every one of you almost immediately.

So, if you do find yourself at a loose end next year, I think it might be nice

to pop in and see how we're getting on.

Don't. This isn't the Dead Poets Society, and I'm not that bloke on BBC

Two who keeps getting kids to sing in choirs.

I especially don't want to hear about how well you're settling down at uni or

how much growing up you've done in the past 12 months.

At best, I am ambivalent towards most of you, but some of you I actively dislike

for no other reason than your poor personal hygiene or your irritating

personalities.

I hope I've made myself clear on this point, and in case any of you think I'm

joking, I'm not. I assure you that once my legal obligation to look after your

best interest is removed, I can be one truly nasty fucker.

Good luck with the rest of your lives and try not to kill anyone.

Reflects very badly on all of us here.

Slightly more upbeat than I was expecting.

They say your school days are the best days of your life. But the only way that

would be true for me would be if I went straight from school to prison and

stayed there forever until I died. How many times is that she's caught you now?

Four. But this was the worst.

Mask, snorkel, hand.

One last one for luck.

Good. Old-school wedgie. To be admired, in a way.

Squashing the balls now.

Ooh, that does not tickle.

Mark, what the fuck do you think you're doing?

Put him down.

All right, calm down.

Just saying goodbye to Bender Squad.

Have a nice life, dickheads. Well, grow up. God.

Are you OK, Will? Fine. Slightly chafed arse crack, but, um... No, basically

fine, thanks.

Hi, Simon.

OK, well, bye, then.

Fucking bitch.

Is she?

No.

Oh, God, I just really miss her.

It's all right, mate.

I understand.

Anyone would miss those tits. It's not that, Neil. Is it a lovely snatch?

No. I know it feels rough now, Si, but you just need to give it some time.

I'm just worried I'll never get over her.

Well, I can help you with that.

Can you?

Yeah. From now on, every time you mention the Monotronic 5000, you get a

slap in the balls.

Do you mean Carly?

Ow! For fuck's sake, Jay!

You were warned.

How's that helping?

Stop you from crying like a baby, for one. So my life is still ruined, but now

my balls ache too? Thanks, Jay.

No, your life is just about to begin, mate. Now you've been dumped, we can all

go on a mental holiday together.

Two weeks of sun, sea, sex, sand, booze, sex, minge, fanny and tits.

And booze.

And sex.

He's put it horrifically, but he's probably right.

A holiday will definitely take your mind off her. Plus, it's the perfect time to

go. Yeah, they say the summer is the perfect time for a summer holiday. Come

on, Si. What do you say? The lads on tour. And you.

Yes, and me.

One of the lads. Yeah, fuck it. Go on, then. Maybe it will help.

Course it will.

And I promise you, Si, we'll go somewhere so full of fit birds, it'll be

like shooting clunge in a barrel. What a lovely image.

So that was it. We were no longer schoolboys.

And to prove our independence, we were off on the holiday of a lifetime without

our parents.

After we'd made them pay for it. I know this is the first time you've ever been

away from me, but don't go crazy.

When have I ever gone crazy?

That time you drank all that shandy at Deborah's wedding. You went pretty wild.

I was seven years old. He was running around with his pants down, shouting,

I've got a white slug. Mum!

Oh, hello, Kevin.

Looks like just Jay we're waiting for, then. Yes, it does look like that,

doesn't it?

God, sorry about her.

You all right, Neil? Your face is a bit weird. Yeah, fine. Just popped a bit of

me sister's fake tan. I'll get it started, you know.

Just on your face?

Well, it's on me hands now, too.

Right. Who's this, then, the vicar?

Me? No, no, I'm Kevin. I'm Neil's father. Nice to meet you.

Where's Neil been hiding you, then? The church?

Looks like a bloody vicar, doesn't he? Oh, no, no, no, I'm not a vicar. No, no,

I know that. But you look like a vicar, and you talk like a vicar.

A bloody gay vicar or something.

No, I'm not a vicar and I'm not gay.

No, I'm saying you look gay. But you can't be, can you? Because old soppy

bollocks here come out your pipe.

Right, I see.

Well, you've got to get going. Don't want you to miss that flight.

Bye-bye, poogie patoo. I love you.

Oh, and, Jay, if you're going to spend your grandad's money chasing skirt, two

things. One, make sure she's not a hound like the last one. And two... Try to be

a man when she dumps you for someone with a bigger cock.

Which is everyone.

Dad.

Dads are like arseholes.

Everyone's got one, yes. But also, they're arseholes. Which is why they

make excellent cab drivers.

Takes me back, all this. Cheap flights, ungodly hours. Where is it you're headed

to again? Simon never tells me anything.

Malia, Mr Cooper in Greece.

Can't say I've heard of it. Of course you haven't. It's a cool place to go.

And it's got subways.

Oh, right.

In my day, it was all about Spain.

Me and my mates went to Magaluf this one time.

I was learning a lot about holidays, and not just what they did to Mrs Cooper's

front bottom.

I was also learning that on a lads' holiday, it's compulsory to wear

hilarious matching t-shirts.

Here you are.

Nice.

Right, you owe me 12 quid each, except for you, Will, you owe me 20.

What? Why?

Because I had to bungle-bloke a few extra quid for him to make it. Right, so

I've got to pay more money for a t-shirt I didn't ask for and I'm not going to

wear because it carries a nickname I didn't know I had?

Yes. Great.

Many a flight.

No,

I'm not. It is well not.

Might be too hot. Might be.

Oh!

Connie!

Connie!

Coles!

Cole.

Sorry.

Wait, Jay.

Jay. Lady Men's, 10 o'clock.

Jay.

Jay!

Didn't you see them girls? Why don't you chirp some? Yeah, I can't handle that

many at once, Neil. Really? What about our netball team?

Yeah, that was alright, cos that was a luxury caravan.

But this coach is way too small for my moves.

Oh, of course.

Right, so the plan is, get to the apartment, unpack, get some sleep, then

head out fresh tomorrow. First stop, the Minoan Palace at Knossos.

Have you come on a lad's holiday by mistake?

We haven't come halfway round the world to look at some boring fucking Greek

ruins. Yeah, you can see that shit anywhere.

Look, we get there, drop the bags off, then go straight out and get

spasticated. Simples.

But I've not slept for 37 hours. Well, shut up and try and get some sleep on

here, then.

Fine. Good idea.

We love you, Burnley!

We do!

We love you, Burnley!

We do!

We love you, Burnley! We do!

Oh, Burnley, we love you!

Oh, Burnley!

Oh, Burnley!

It's wonderful!

It's wonderful!

Burnley! It's wonderful!

Can you hear the Preston sing? I can't hear a fucking thing! When people now

ask me if I like football, I say yes. I do like football.

But not Burnley.

Burnley can fuck off.

It

was

a tense moment.

Someone was obviously staying here.

Right then, Mackenzie party.

This is you.

Good one, fellas.

Don't worry, it'll look nice when it's finished.

Oh, God, all right!

This time they're like the pictures.

I still don't know how the dog died. I can only presume it threw itself in the

well rather than stay here.

You willy?

Yes.

Here, key.

You have fun, but not too much fun.

You shit on floor, 50 euro fine.

Each time.

All right, lads. Are you stopping here?

Yes, we are.

Bad luck. I've just come back from Afghanistan and conditions there are

better than this shithole. I can't wait to get back to lying in a dusty trench

being shot at by some raghead.

Are you married?

No. Don't get married.

The wife bought this, but somehow it's my fucking fault.

Anyway, pop down for a beer if you fancy.

I'll see yous later.

Steve!

You owe me 50 euros.

As we entered our new home, wondering if our human rights had been breached, I

couldn't help thinking a shit on the floor might have cheered the place up a

bit.

Shotgun this room. Shotgun the sofa bed. Well, where am I going to sleep then?

Not really my problem.

What's that? Is that the bath?

Of course it's not the bath, you fucking idiot. There's the bath there.

That's the kids' toilet.

Is it? Yes.

Why's it got a plug on when I tap, then?

Cos it's for checking your kid's shit before you flush it. Oh, that's grim.

Yeah, I know. That's the Continentals, innit? They're dirty.

See? That looks nice.

I'm not sleeping in a fucking bathtub for two weeks, Simon.

We'll have to share this over bed. Ooh, hello!

Right, well, while you two decide who gets first go on each other's cocks, I'm

getting ready and getting out there. The gash isn't gonna fuck itself, you know.

Charming.

Finally, smelling like an industrial accident at the Lynx factory and looking

like the world's shittest boy band, we hit the town.

Oh, heads down, boys. Shit.

What? Why?

We haven't done anything.

Foreign police, innit? So?

Don't you even know about foreign police?

What? Short-sleeved uniforms?

Chunky truncheons? Oh, fucking hell.

Mate, they're all corrupt.

And basically, if you misbehave and don't have the money to bribe them, they

take you up to these shepherd's huts in the hills, beat you up and bum you.

And if they don't kill you, you kill yourself because of the shame of getting

a boner while she was being bummed. Right, couple of things.

Firstly, the hills here are full of timeshares, not deserted shepherd's

huts. Secondly, Crete's in the EU, so I think the standard of policing probably

goes beyond bumming and forced suicide.

Believe what you want, I'm keeping a bribe up my arse just in case.

You're going to spend the whole holiday with 20 euros rolled up inside your

arsehole? It's been up there since the seatbelt signs went off, mate.

All right, lads, holiday's it, yeah?

I'm at it on my own, having a mental time.

Can I have a beer? Oh, here you go, mate.

No, you can't. All right, which is it? You say yes, he says bloody no. He's not

your boss, is he, eh?

Sorry, do we know you?

Anyways, here's a good one for you, is that right? Get a torch and walk along

the beach at night and you get to watch people fucking.

They're all drunk and you get to see, like, tits and cocks and that.

If you're into cocks, which he looks like he is.

Well, it's been great talking to you, but we've really got to get a move on.

Can I come round yours for a shower?

Um, no.

No, cool beans.

See you later, lads.

Richard, yeah?

Richard.

Well... Richard was clearly mental, but as we're about to discover, so is

everything else here.

While Simon was seeing Carly everywhere, Jay was seeing some very lucky ladies.

She'd get it. Most definitely.

Oh, and that one, she'd get it. And that one.

And that one. And that one, she'd get it.

Right in the bumholey. I can't believe I've already got a bird.

Gutted. So fucking what? All birds know what goes on tour stays on tour.

No, I couldn't do that to Nicole.

I think I love her. And I never loved anything before, apart from a car or a

sandwich. If the build-up gets too much for you, mate, you can always borrow one

of my johnnies. Have a wank royale. Oh, cheers, Jay. A what?

A wank royale. It's a wank with a johnny on. It's a bit more expensive, so I tend

to save it for special occasions.

Birthdays, Christmas, the Champions League final. Exactly. All right, lads,

are you up for a good time? Yeah, we're always up for a good time. We're in a

pussy patrol.

Right. Well, if you really are the Pussy Patrol... Which we are. You're obviously

getting Marcos.

It's the most buzzing bar out here, always packed with a really chilled-out,

sexy vibe.

Know what I mean?

I don't really know what you mean. When you say sexy vibe, do you mean girls?

Of course.

Loads of girls.

And I'll sort you out half-price drinks and a free fishbowl.

Cool, cool, cool. So, will you be in there with your sexiness, making the

vibe all sexy, being all sexy and that sexy?

Say sexy more. Well, I will be if you're going to be there, you saucy bugger.

Come on, then.

Here you go, these four.

I'll see you in a bit. Mine's a Bacardi and Coke.

Large one.

Saucy. See you later.

Fucking hell, you're well in there, mate.

Yep, he shoots, he scores. Right up the vag.

Oh, my God, if she's outside, imagine the birds inside.

Ah, interesting.

Well, it must get going a bit later. She did say it was amazing. Then why would

she lie?

Hi, mate.

Four pints, four Jagermeisters and a fishbowl, please.

Hello.

When it's good here.

Sorry?

When here, party good.

Oh, what, normally about an hour or two? Well, as we've paid, maybe we should

hang on then.

This year?

Never. Thanking you very much.

OK, let's go.

Fuck off.

My bird will be down in a minute.

Do you mean the woman who's quite clearly on commission to trick people

into this empty bar?

No, I mean the little hottie outside that I was flirting with. I'll take that

as a yes, then. I'm going nowhere till she's sucked me off. So you're going

nowhere? Jay, we're on holiday.

I'm meant to be out there trying to hit on girls I think are beneath me, but

who, for their part, won't give me the time of day. So let's go.

Oh, hello, Elias. Those little lovelies from the coach.

That one's not so little.

I think they're looking at us. And not in a weird, terrified, leave-us-alone

way.

Amazing. Jay, you're drunkies. Go over and talk to them. Nah, not me, mate.

None of them are as fit as my one outside.

Why go for hamburgers when you've got steak at home? If, like you, you have

neither anywhere.

It's up to you then, Si.

Oh, shit, really? I don't know if I'm over Carly.

Ow! Can you stop that?

Yes, I can.

When you stop being such a pussy about your ex.

It's time to get back on the horse now, Si.

And those little ponies need feeding.

Feed the pony.

Yeah, OK, I'll introduce us, but we've all got to go over together.

Great. You fucking sad cases. You don't just walk up to a girl in a club and

introduce yourself.

It's creepy.

Clubs have different rules, you dick.

Look, you dance over near them, make the eyes, then get them to dance with you.

Really? Annoyingly, that does sound right.

Thank you. And then after a bit, you stand up behind them, pretend to slap

them and fuck them up the arse.

That might be a bit much. Yeah, I don't know. Oh, fucking hell, I'll do it. What

about Nicole?

It's only dancing. She likes my dancing. Stick with me, you'll be fine.

Right then, Si.

Looks like the holiday starts here.

Am I doing it right?

Am I in time?

Maybe a bit out, but not so you notice.

Copy nil.

Sorry, do you mind if I come and talk to you because you look nice and Frankie

that's just humiliating for everyone involved Sit down specs

Hello, I'm Lucy hi, I'm diamond Simon

of Simon I Bet I'll get stuck with a fat one.

So when Allison initially suggested Malia, we all thought yeah, why not?

It'll be ironic Then we had a reality check and we thought, do we honestly

want to spend two weeks somewhere being ironic? And obviously the answer was no.

So then we looked at other places, but we realised actually we did just want to

have a laugh and go clubbing and get drunk and be silly and that this might

genuinely be a really good place to come. So fuck it. Here we are.

Just so you know, I've met a really fit bird and she'll be along any minute, all

right? OK.

She won't mind you talking to me then, will she?

If our dancing was bad, and it was bad... Then our small talk was even

worse.

Sorry, will you excuse us a moment?

What's going on?

What do you mean?

What do you think I mean?

Why aren't you talking to the girls?

I get, like, words making sounds in my head, but they don't come out.

Well, that's easy to fix.

Just say them.

Move your mouth and say them.

Well, I can't pork any of them anyways, because they're Nicole.

But it would be nice to make a connection, like on them TV shows when

people make a connection.

Oh, this is hopeless.

Well, I don't exactly see you charming your way into their knickers.

I just danced for the first time in my life. It's hard to know what to follow

up with.

Maybe you could pretend to not have the personality you've got.

Like, pretend to be someone cool.

Thanks, Simon. Thank you. Big help. Yeah.

Actually, it's probably best you don't even try.

No, I am going to try.

If anything, I'm going to try too hard.

But she is well out of your league. Like, well, well, well out of your

league. So?

All girls are like her out of my league.

What's the point of going with girls in my league? Look at me.

Imagine my league.

Oh, God.

Uh, Jay, mate, I think you missed the toilet.

You saying I can't hold my drink?

You're pissing your drink all over the floor.

So? It's still the toilet.

This whole room's the toilet.

Neil, can you chuck me a paper towel?

Wipe the drip from a knob.

Birds don't like it when it tastes pissy.

Okay, come on, guys. We've done the hard bit. Let's not fuck this up.

I just can't think of what to say.

Just talk about something you love.

Something you're passionate about.

Right. Oh, cool.

Got it. I know exactly what to say. It's pretty devastating because she's

definitely the most beautiful girl I've ever met. She's so fascinating.

She's really funny, you know?

Oh, right.

In what sort of way?

Just like... You know when something's funny and people get it?

Yes. So in that way.

And also in a comedy way.

Neil was a man of few words. But even for him, this was ridiculous.

Not that I was faring that much better myself.

So did this place hire you out as some sort of avant-garde dance troupe to

scare the customers off?

No. I lost my mind and agreed to come here on holiday.

What's your excuse?

Sort of similar.

I came out here earlier this summer and fell crazy in love with the gorgeous

locals, and now I'm back.

Hilarious. Of course you did. What was he, a barman or a waiter?

Waiter. Brilliant. Was he called Stavros?

Nikos. Too good.

I bet he's different to all the boys back home.

Yeah, he understands women, for one. I'm sure he does. He must get enough

practice.

Not only had Jane not offered to buy Jane a drink, he'd now stopped paying

for his own.

Meanwhile, Simon was on a roll.

So they and Kylie said we needed some space, and Una's coming up, so maybe

she's right.

Sorry, who's right?

Carly? Who?

Carly, my ex.

You went out with a girl called Carly?

You should have said.

What? I did. That's all I've been talking about.

Oh!

Yes, I was joking.

Sorry for going on about her. I usually get a smack in the balls to stop me.

What? Um, nothing.

Meanwhile, Neil had a trump card to play.

Do you want to dance?

Meanwhile, Alison didn't seem to be enjoying my hilarious Greek waiter

impression. So I presume he wooed you with the old, I love you, I love you,

you only girl for me, there's no other girl in my life.

Oh wait, here comes an ex-plane from Newcastle, I gotta go, baby.

Sorry, you do realise that I'm not playing along with a joke? I do

genuinely have a Greek waiter boyfriend called Nikos. No, of course you do,

brilliant Nikos. You've really nailed the clichés.

You are joking, aren't you?

No.

His grandmother has a moustache as well, if that makes the stereotype even

funnier for you. I'm sorry. I'm sure he's not like every other waiter out

here. It's fine. You don't know what you're talking about.

Your accent was pretty good, though.

Oh, I've got to go.

Don't want to miss my stereotypical Greek boyfriend. He might get angry and

smash some plates.

Or commit atrocities in Anatolia.

You're not normal, are you?

You're right, Luce.

What's that bloke you're dancing with?

Luce, we should go. Nico's finished soon. I don't want to miss him.

So, shall we all hang out again sometime?

Yeah, you lot don't seem too bad. If I hear another bloke out here refer to

women as gash, I'll scream.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, that is horrible. It's awful when men do that. It's disgusting. It's

really bad.

Do you fancy coming to the all-day boat party Friday?

I know it's meant to be sold out, but our rep reckons he can still get

tickets. All-day boat party? What's that?

Well, it's a party.

Okay. All day.

Yep. On a boat.

Oh, right.

Well, now that's been cleared up, we should go.

See you later, Will.

Amazing.

Do you realise we just danced over, chatted up some girls, they loved it,

and you didn't fuck it up? Me?

Are we players?

I'm starting to think that here, unlike at home, we might actually be players.

Maybe. I'm not really sure what that means.

However, as I've not slept now for two days, I'm going to bed. Yeah, my

eyeballs feel like they've got paper cuts.

Jay, you coming?

Fuck that.

There's a thick bird up there who's so wet for me I can hear the waves breaking

in her fanny.

I'm going to down this and take her down the beach and fuck her brains out.

Right, well, we've established that isn't happening.

Fine. Watch me.

Mm, classy.

We'd better get Neil.

Neil. Oh, God.

We're off.

Right, won't be a minute. I should finish up here.

Christ, Neil, what about Nicole?

Oh, she won't mind. We're not kissing.

Yeah, it's just fingers, isn't it, lover?

Right.

Yeah, I'll catch you lot up. One second.

He's definitely picked up the pace.

While Neil picked up his finger-banging speed, we picked up Jay, and he had a

chilling prediction to share with us. She's gonna suck my nub-nub dry, you

watch. I'd rather not watch if it's all the same to you.

Shit, is that Carly?

Look, Si, it's normal that after a break-up you'll think you see her

everywhere, but she's not here.

Yeah, I suppose.

Could be her.

What? Could be her. She is out here at the moment.

What?

We weren't sure where the best place to go was, and her and her mates are pretty

cool, so I asked them where they was going and when, and that's why I booked

Malia. You fucking idiot. I came away to try and get over her. Did you?

You know I did.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Oh, God, look at her.

Do you think this is fate?

Her being here, me being here?

No. I think Neil asked her where she was going and then booked the same place,

like you just said. Let's go before she sees us.

No. No, I've got to go and talk to her. If there's even the slightest chance of

us getting back together, I've got to take it.

What are you doing here? Stalking you abroad.

No, the opposite, actually. Just a mix-up with my friends.

My stupid fucking idiot friends.

Well, whatever.

It's great to see you. Is it?

Yeah, it is, of course.

Of course.

So, as we're here, why don't we hang out?

How about right now?

Now? I can't now, but you'll be at the boat party on Friday, right? The boat

party? I was literally just talking about the boat party. It's going to be

amazing. The best way to run it for holiday.

What? Why are you going?

Don't go. I've got to go. My flight leaves on Saturday.

The boat's our last chance to party.

Right. Well, I'll definitely be there then. For total, one million percent.

Definitely. Cool. It'll be great to hang out again.

I've missed you.

Oh, Jesus.

Fuck it. Sorry, mate.

James, are you all right, Simon?

You're fine.

I'll walk it off.

Cool, yeah. Come on, we've got to go.

Oh, do you two know each other?

Yeah, James is our rep. Rep, unofficial rep. I sort out club nights. There'll be

a party organised in PR.

Just make sure everyone's having a good time, you know what I mean?

Are you sure you're all right, mate?

All good.

Cool. Cars, come on.

Bye, Simon. See you on the boat.

See you, mate.

Mind that leg.

I'll sort you out a free fishbowl.

Oi, baby, you stood me up.

Oh, I didn't wait long enough to see her.

Come on, kiss me.

I'm working, darling.

I love your boobs.

What?

What gives you the right to touch me, you fucking prick?

What? Sorry, I think you might have had a little too much of the old drink.

I am sick of every dickhead thinking he's got touching rights just because I

smiled at him. It's my fucking job, you cretin.

Are you on the blob?

Sexy. I like it.

No, Jay.

Time for bed.

Oh, fuck that. You two can bum yourselves to death on the sofa bed.

I'm going to get another drink. Jay, don't be insane. You're too drunk

already. I'm on fucking holiday. You can't be too drunk.

You coming, Neil? No, I like it in there. And the way I see it, not

sleeping for two nights is pretty much the same as not sleeping for one night.

Right, fine.

Fucking knobheads.

How was your chat?

Amazing. Carly is here, Will.

That's what she was worried about, us being apart.

That's why we split up. But we're not apart because we're both here.

I just need to get on that boat.

Actually, can one of yous help me? I think she might be a two-man job.

What happened to your leg? Oh, I got a little bit run over. A little bit run

over?

The next morning I was woken up by what sounded like Bigfoot having an asthma

attack.

Simon?

Simon?

Christ, there's like a swarm in here.

Have you got any water?

What the fuck is that noise?

I think it's Neil.

Oh no, not the dinner lady from last night.

Well,

it's her or Johnny Vegas.

Interesting question.

This is beyond creepy.

Okay, I'm getting out of here.

How can I spend 100 euros?

Holy shit, I only budgeted 15 euros a day.

Great, so I spunked all my money in one night.

Right. Oh, Jesus, Neil.

Oh, don't worry about that. It's on the way down.

Have you seen Jay?

Shit, no, not since last night.

No, I mean, have you seen him? He's over there.

So Jay had slept face down in the dirt, but I'd woken up listening to Neil

getting sucked off.

As far as I was concerned, he won.

Your face.

Yeah, you got something on your face.

It appears Jay's slept in a dance nest.

Pain.

Tongue.

It's all right, boys. Kitty don't bite.

Not now she's been fed.

Eh, lover?

What the fuck was that?

I'll tell you what does bite, though.

Hands. 86, 87, 88.

88 fucking bites.

Oh, sorry. I asked for two poached eggs.

It's poached, look.

No, this is fried and an egg, singular.

Yes, poached.

I promise with all my heart. So you're promising me, with all your heart, that

this is two poached eggs?

Yes. Berger?

Oh, that's mine, tough.

Wait, I'm starving. Where's my bacon sandwich?

I thought you'd have eaten enough pig last night.

Mate, what were you thinking?

I don't know. She was saying all this dirty stuff and she looked a bit like

Will's mum, so I thought, why not?

She didn't look like my mum, Neil. She did a bit. No, she did not.

I bet she did when she had his cock in her mouth. Brilliant. Don't you feel bad

about Nicole?

Who? Nicole, the girlfriend you've just cheated on. Oh, no, no, because only the

tip went in. Any more than the tip is cheating and I would never do that

because I've got ethics.

Right. Well, see you lot later.

Where are you going?

I'm going to find those girls.

They should be at the hotel. Lucy said a rep could still get boat party tickets.

Oh, wow.

That's an interesting story.

Well, it is, actually, because guess who's going to be there?

Carly. Ow!

Look, she invited me to the party. She said she missed me.

There's got to be a chance she's... On all fours, sucking that bloke off.

No, she wants us to get back together. What bloke?

Look, you're meant to be here to forget about Carly.

Oh, not me, Neil.

I'll help you find them, Si.

They were fun. It'd be good to see them again.

Alison was nice.

Fine, fuck it, I'll help.

Shouldn't be too hard to find.

Probably spot the lard arse I got stuck with from outer space.

Neil? Can't. I had a nightmare. I left me trunks in England, didn't I? Swear

you're Calvin's, mate. They're practically the same.

Can I, Will? Um, yeah, I suppose.

And can I ring a bell?

Yes, Neil.

Yes, you can.

Unsurprisingly, the girls' hotel was nicer than our hotel.

There are North Korean prison camps which are nicer than our hotel.

But like a North Korean prison camp, it was overcrowded, so we had nowhere to

sit. What about here?

They've got towels on them, Neil. So? That means people have bags in them. We

can't take those.

Fuck that.

No, Jay, we can't. Watch me.

It's probably just a load of krauts that got down early in the morning to reserve

them. That towel's got Finding Nemo on it. Oh, what?

So Nazis can't like Disney too?

Jay!

Besides, I really need a lie down.

My head's more fucked than Neil's dad's arsehole.

Jay, please.

Jay and Neil were off to, as they put it, check out the chicas.

But I had a serious problem.

In the absence of my mother or a teacher, I needed help with my sunblock.

Simon, will you do my back?

No.

No? I don't want to touch you.

Unbelievable. Fine, I'll do it myself.

Look, all right, I'll do it with one finger. Thank you.

I've got too much here and here.

I'll scrape it off.

Okay, but don't try and be funny and draw a cock on my back or something. No,

of course not.

Right, all done.

See? That wasn't so bad, was it? No, that was fine.

I was really enjoying my book, blissfully unaware of the crudely drawn

phallus burning itself onto my skin.

Meanwhile, Jay was having trouble with his emergency funds.

You all right? Yeah, it's just that 20 euros.

Aye, aye, Jay, here we go. We've been spotted.

Seen them.

Look cool.

Manchester!

Manchester!

Who's this little twat? You from Manchester?

You like Manchester?

Yeah, yeah, near Manchester.

No, you aren't. Shut up, Neil. The birds are loving it.

Go!

Yeah, go!

Go to Manchester, yeah!

Oh, Manchester, bow!

Ah, yeah, hilarious. Now, get out the wiley.

Whoa!

What,

are you fucking dead, you little shit?

No, mate, just leave it. The chicas are looking. Just laugh it off.

No, I'm fine for drinks, thanks.

Oh, Alison.

Hello. Hello.

You know you've got a spunking cock on your back?

What?

Oh, no.

Thanks, Simon. Very funny, very mature.

So I've been lying here with a cock on my back, have I? Not for the first time.

I'll burn a muff on my tit if it makes you feel less self-conscious.

It would, actually. We'd make quite the pair.

We've got a really good spot here.

Yes, Jay, um, sorted them. Did he use some of his boyish charm?

In a way, yes.

I think I might start drinking again. Anyone fancy joining me?

Yes, I will.

Oh, lucky me.

Oh, knackered.

Fishbowl hangover?

No, Nikos was over last night.

Does not stop talking.

No, we were having sex.

Right.

Sorry, does it make you uncomfortable when I mention sex?

No, no, it's good. It's great that you're so sexually active.

Yeah, I suppose it is.

What's the best sex you've ever had, Will?

Will? Um, hard to say, really.

Come on, you can tell me.

Oh, I don't like to sex and tell.

Don't be boring. Just tell me.

Look, I'm going to level with you.

I have never put my penis in a lady.

That's all right. You're a virgin. That's cool.

It's definitely not cool.

If anything, it's famously uncool. Well, it's cute, then.

Oh, God, that's even worse.

You're funny, Will.

That's something. Can I get a girl into bed for sex just by making her laugh?

Of course you can.

Wow.

Great.

If she's a clinical moron.

Lucy, it's so amazing to see you.

Well, welcome.

Nice to see you too.

Yeah, good. Now, can you still get boat party tickets?

I'd have thought so. I'd just have to go and find the rep.

So you're coming along then?

Yeah, of course. It'll be amazing.

Great. Because Carly's here, in Malia, and she's going to be on the boat

tomorrow. If I can just get five minutes alone with her and know we'll fix things

up. It's fate.

So can you go and get those tickets?

You really know how to make a girl feel special, don't you?

Yeah, yeah, I know. Carly is going to love it.

Can you hurry up?

Simon's plan was coming together.

Meanwhile, Jane was about to experience the full force of Jay's boyish charm.

Can you move? You're blocking the sun.

Charming. What's happened to your face, Jay?

It's a food allergy.

I could do with one of those.

Maybe a nice, fun allergy?

Yeah, you could.

Meanwhile, Neil had a surprise in store for Lisa.

Forgot my chunks.

Fancy a swim?

Oh, leave it there, you little prick.

Right, that's it.

I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'm gonna fucking kill you. Oi, those are our

sunbeds. And where's our towels?

Oh, good.

Well, there weren't any towels when we arrived. We've been here for the last

hour. I didn't ask to read your fucking diary, love. I said, where's our towels?

Now, there's no need to be abusive. If you look around, there are signs

everywhere saying you can't reserve sunbeds. So you moved our towels?

The point I'm making is whatever the fate of the towels, these cannot be your

beds. What have you done with my fucking towels?

Sir, I get your nice other beds. Please take up your stuff.

Me? What?

Why should we move?

Because he's made a scene? Because his family are too lazy to walk 20 feet to

the pool?

Seriously, mate, I am warning you. Why have a rule if you aren't going to

enforce it? The signs are redundant.

My doll!

Disabled. Of course she is. There you go.

Happy now?

Well, obviously not.

And that isn't helping.

You lot have got five seconds to get off my sunbed. Come on, Will. We'll just

find somewhere else.

But I still don't see why we should move.

Yes, his daughter has a serious condition, but isn't it like the whole

family, therefore, are entitled to poolside seats for life?

Plus, strictly speaking, she doesn't even need another chair.

Are you guests at this hotel?

Ah! No!

I no swim!

Please, Mr. Dead, I no swim, I beg you! Not fall!

Ah!

All right, all right. It's just a joke. We're mates.

And with a rough grab from a BO-ridden security guard, Simon's perfect plan

came crashing down.

Thanks a lot, Jay.

Me? What have I done?

Oh, I don't know. Oh, yeah. Fucked everything up for me like you always do.

I had to teach him a lesson, Si. He was mugging me off. He was nine years old

and couldn't swim.

Now my life is ruined. Thanks. Is this about the tickets?

Oh, boo-hoo-hoo. So you don't get to go to the boat party. So what?

So I don't get back together with the woman I love?

Look, it's not my fault Carly thinks you're a prick.

You want to watch me more closely, mate, you might actually learn something. Oh,

yeah, and what would I learn?

How to bullshit about having sex, how to sleep in an ant's nest, how to be scared

shitless of my dad. Oh, come on, Si, calm down. Maybe you'd learn not to be

such a massive tool over that miserable cunt. Don't call Connie a cunt!

You had enough yet? Have you had enough yet?

I'll ask first.

We should do something.

Yeah, do you want to go and get a subway?

No, I meant about the fight.

We should break it up.

Yeah.

All right, come on, you two.

I'm sick of his bollocks. I'm going to fucking do him. Oh, you're hard, Si. I

didn't see you do me just now. Come back here then, you prick. Let's go for a

walk. Don't cry, Si. I'm not crying. You're crying. Don't look like it.

You're crying. Come here then.

See you later then, Will.

Honestly, I'm done with that asshole.

I mean, why do I even hang around with him?

Well, yeah, obviously we all wonder that at times.

Look, it's been a tough couple of days. The Carly thing is weird.

But just because you had a fight with Jay, you don't have to leave.

I'm not leaving.

But you are aware you're packing your suitcase.

I've never liked him.

But you've been mates since primary school.

He's a little crybaby poof, and he's there.

Everyone took the piss out of that. But not me. I didn't.

Fucking wish I had now. You did a bit.

No, of course, a bit, but not enough.

He's a total twat. Oh, that's harsh, mate. He can be a knob, but he's not a

twat. I'm going to sell my clothes.

Oh, you're having a breakdown.

She means so much to me, Will. I don't care about anything else. If I can get

enough money together, I can buy it to give at the boat party off someone,

somehow. Whatever it costs.

Money is all I need. I agree we need money, but who's going to buy your

clothes? No offence, but you dress appallingly.

Are you going to help, or just constantly undermine me?

A bit of both, I'd imagine. Fine.

Do you think Alison likes me?

13 years he's been dragging me down.

Well, fuck him. What's that?

Boat party tickets.

I bought four the other night before I passed out. Cost a fortune.

I thought I'd surprise him.

Well, here's his fucking surprise. Oh, no, Jay, don't. No, fuck him, and fuck

that dick Will, too.

What shall we do now, then?

Now we have the best holiday ever.

And do what we came here to do. Get better at swimming.

No. Go on pussy patrol.

Unfortunately for him, Simon wasn't the only person in Malia trying to sell shit

no one wanted. Hello.

Hello. Nice lady. Good guys.

Clothes. Looky, looky. Top clothes for sale. You want clothes? Good price.

I think he'd have more luck selling the big glasses.

Isn't that Carly's friend?

He's a rep. I don't think they're any friends.

All right, mate.

What's this, the world's shittiest booth here?

No. Just sell him a close of money.

I need money desperately.

All right.

Always luck would have it I've got a mate who's had his apartment broken

into. Fuckers nicked all his clothes.

I reckon he'll be interested. I'll call him.

That'd be amazing. Thanks so much. No problem, mate. All part of the service,

yeah? See?

All right, mate. Yeah, yeah. Got some clothes.

Yeah. Got some girls' T-shirts.

These are girls, right?

No. Hoodies like your mum would buy you.

Sort of jeans Jeremy Clarkson wears.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's all shit, yeah.

Hold on. He says he'll give you 100 euros for the lot.

Amazing. Totally. Cool.

Coolio. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Thanks so much, man.

Including what you're wearing now.

Really? Yeah, yeah, that's the deal.

Oh, obviously he's not gonna take his clothes off.

Oh, nice one.

Oh, he's gonna need your pants, too.

What, these?

Fucking thieves stole everything.

Give me your pants. I'll be back before you know it with your 100 euros. Sorry,

this has gone too far. Simon, do not take your pants off. Stop always telling

me what to do, Will. I'm an adult.

James is doing me a favour. What are you doing, eh?

Here. You'll be right back, yeah? Of course I will. I'll see you very soon.

Thanks, James. Thanks so much, man.

Yeah, cheers, Abdul.

Good luck, mate.

James isn't coming back, is he?

Don't think so.

Brilliant. So we made Simon some makeshift pants and headed home to get

changed.

Simon, please don't fart in my T-shirt.

Sorry.

Interesting.

At least somebody's enjoying themselves.

In just 24 hours, Mally had pretty much broken me and Simon, so in a way I had

to admire Jay and Neil as they rolled up the sleeves on their offensive t-shirts

and dived straight back in.

This place is mental.

It's Decadent Neil. That's what they call it. This is what we came here for.

You won't find those other two muppets in a place like this. They just shit

themselves and run away.

And now, all the way from Privilege in Ibiza, we have a very, very special act.

Probably some big dancer who'll take one look at me and want to bang me all

night. Yeah, and we've got the best view. I bet you'll be able to see right

up the snatch from here.

This is it, Neil. This is a fucking holiday.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Fernando.

It must be like a cage fight or a martial arts type thing.

Whoa!

Is this a neck to go?

No, it's decadent.

Let's have a big cheer for Fernando, the master of self fellatio.

I don't know if I like decadent things.

Jay and Neil never told us exactly how close they came to Fernando's cock, but

they did say they could smell it. And they were still having more fun than us.

Last two.

Shall we pretend they're pudding?

Alright, fellas.

Romantic dinner, is it? Yeah? I've just had a mare, right? Some massive

bodybuilding geezer came running out the bushes at me. God knows why. Anyway,

I've lamped him. He's gone flying. I think I killed him.

Okay, well, it's been lovely to chat, Richard.

He looked absolutely good. Um, no. Simple and clear.

30? No, we're going. Are we? Where?

Terrible bar, I know. See you later, Richard. 10?

10?

10? 10?

It's that James bloke, Carly's sucking off. Oh, yeah. See, now, that looks like

a proper laugh.

Neil, I think it's time the Pussy Patrol recruited some new members.

What, mate?

Do I know you?

Yeah, we're mates of Carly's.

Ah, yeah, Carly Klingon.

Nice girl, bit keen.

Yeah, our mate's in love with her, the fucking dick. Oh, is he?

We're telling him he can have a sniff on these if he's lucky.

Yeah, well, no, he's not really a mate. We ditched him.

Yeah, it's too tragic.

It's a wicked place, this.

Nice vibe.

What, you think a bloke sucking his own cock is wicked? Are you bent?

No, of course not.

We're the Pussy Patrol.

Pussy Patrol?

More like the Bumming Brigade.

The only pussy you'll get will be a cat.

Oi! I said the only pussy they'll get will be a cat.

You know, like one of them stray cats should get round here.

Oh, good one.

Fuck you, you lanky prick.

You two are fucking me off. Get out of my face. Oh, no, come on, we're having a

laugh. We're all right here.

You're not fucking all right anywhere, you scrawny little cunt. Now, fuck off

before I put a glass in your throat.

You all right, Jake?

Yeah.

Are you crying?

No, it's just the smoke in here.

There isn't any.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

Do you want to go somewhere not decadent?

So what happens now? Probably a bit far for my dad to come and pick us up.

Oh, great.

Be nice.

Maybe he's come to apologise.

Alright. We were just leaving, actually.

Oh, don't cry, Simon. I'm not crying.

No joke, it was you that was crying, remember?

Neil!

Come on, Si. Sit down. Let's all share a fishbowl. We're totally out of cash.

Yeah. We're not all lucky enough to have had a relative die. Well, you clearly

fucked without me, so I was going to offer to pay for your drinks. But if

you're going to be a baby about it, then fuck it.

Were you really?

I'm not asked either way, but if I have to, yes.

Si?

All right.

Thank you, Jay.

Shake.

Group hug?

I'm going in with just one more suicide shot. Fucking hell.

Right,

turn up, please. Sorry, mate, I had my fingers crossed. Oh, not again.

Oh, my God.

I never expected to see them again.

Does it matter, though, does it? Because even if Lucy can get a ticket for the

boat party, I now can't afford one. Yes, but incredible as it may seem, Simon, I

wasn't thinking about you.

Hi, guys.

Taking a break from drowning children.

We are. And welcome back to Malia's Least Cool Bar.

We're regulars, obviously, but surprised to see you here again.

Well, it's the only place we've been where the blokes weren't total animals.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Hello, by the way. Hello, Spectacles. Still going to get shit face, though.

Shots only.

You man enough, J-Bo?

Course. Thought you would be.

Obviously, we now rated as so sexually non-threatening that these girls were

happy to drink with us. But to be fair, I'd take that every time.

So I've been thinking about us.

What, the four of you?

No, me and you. Well, there is no us, so that must have been a weird thought

process, but go on.

I'm not sure Nikos is right for you.

Interesting. Why wouldn't my sexy, charming, caring boyfriend, who is also

a sensational lover, be right for me?

You'd say sensational, would you?

Hmm. Hmm.

It was nice of Richard Branson to lend you an outfit.

It's Neil's. Is it really that bad?

Well, at least you look fantastic.

Right, there's only one thing for it. We're going to say fuck it and do shots

till one of us is sick through our nose. My money's on me.

Four monkey brains, please.

I like this, Simon.

He's fun.

Thanks very much.

Cheers. Cheers.

Oh, actually, can you patty?

Right, next.

No, no, I can't have another one. I'm sorry. Didn't realise you really like

wheat. What?

Lightweight. Lightweight.

You're the one to talk about lightweights.

What do you mean?

Oh, because I'm fat?

No.

What I mean, Jane, is I'm going to drink you under the table.

You're a travel, aren't you?

You're funny.

That is why I know you don't have to worry about getting laid.

Um, did I say I was worried?

No, but it's obvious that you are, and you think that somehow I'm the answer.

Well, I am not, and you will be fine.

I think you might be, though.

Nonsense.

In fact, I am so confident I will make a pact with you. If you still haven't had

sex by this time next year, I'll have sex with you.

As long as I'm not with Nikos, of course.

Of course.

Um, this is a joke, right?

A handshake's good. Is it possible to get it in writing?

See? Funny.

Yes.

You like this?

Where's Neil?

He is literally incredible.

Come on, Lise.

We're getting out of here. Let's go for a swim. Come on, you.

Can we swim, Nick?

Oh, I can't because I haven't brought my swimming costume.

Oh, no.

I haven't brought mine either. Really?

What are you going to do?

Well, I'm going to go in naked.

You?

Oh, right.

Yeah, me too.

Totally naked.

Are they really going skinny dipping?

If I know Jane, probably, yeah.

Really?

Fucking hell, really?

Yes.

And what about you?

Well, I'm meeting Nikos in half an hour.

Of course.

So I reckon I've got time for a quick dip.

Alison was hopelessly out of my league. And yet, and yet... No, I had no fucking

chance.

No, yeah, good.

I will.

Go on then.

All in good time.

I'll look away if you like.

Yeah, that'd be nice, thank you.

Okay, so I'm looking away now.

And so, for only the second time today, Simon was tricked into getting naked.

Further along the beach, for the first time ever... Jay was close to seeing

some naked women not on a computer screen.

Come on, Jay.

Don't be shy.

I'll take it all off if you will.

Um, all right. Just give me a minute.

Are you scared that you won't be able to control yourself?

I can't take it anymore. Just give it a snug.

Um, all right.

But let's go somewhere secret.

Secret?

Just give us a snog out?

Nah.

Let's go somewhere people can't see us, okay?

Actually,

forget it. I've already seen your cock and it wasn't pretty.

All I'm saying is that logically, we might not have to wait a year to have

sex. Oh, really?

Yeah. I mean, once you remove Nikos from the equation and think, as I say,

logically, it really makes no sense to wait that long.

Do you find that your logic talks a lot of girls into bed?

Well, no.

I was just curious to know whether this kind of relentless pedantic chat is a

big hit with the other chicks.

Well, obviously it isn't.

Thought not.

What are you waiting for?

Um... I don't know

Take your clothes off.

That's it till next year, I'm afraid.

I've lost my glasses.

I've lost my glasses!

God, it's freezing in here.

Don't be such a wuss.

That's right, let's get someone's hair wet, shall we?

It always looks wet anyway, gel boy.

Right, how's this for a wet look, then?

Oh, shit, sorry.

I'm really sorry. I tripped. I've lost my glasses.

You've got a big problem now, mister. A big fucking problem. I'm so sorry. I

didn't know you were down there doing that.

Help!

I'm really sorry, mate. Help me!

What are you doing?

What's your fucking name, Icos?

Donner, I just need you to be a little bit quiet for five minutes, please. Who

the fuck is that?

Come and sit down with me. I want to talk to you. We're supposed to be

meeting up in 15 minutes, you utter, utter scumbag.

Glasses, glasses.

It's okay.

Glasses. There they are.

Alison, I love you. I love you. You are the only girl for me. There are no other

girl in my life.

Now, where have we heard that before?

Just shut up, Will.

Baby, you know this word, huh?

Alison, wait!

Simon?

Are you swimming naked?

Hell yeah.

That's not like you.

Well, I'm on holiday, so who knows? Maybe it's a new me.

Oh, right.

I like the old you.

Okay, well, I'm off to bed.

Can I come?

To bed?

No, sure. I'm all wet anyway, so... Look, I'm knackered. I've had a shitty

night. I just want to be alone.

But I'll see you at the boat party. We can catch up properly there, okay?

Yeah, of course.

See you at the boat party.

Great. See ya.

I miss you too.

Sorry? You said it the other night?

Oh, yeah.

Lucy!

Lucy! Alison!

Wait! I'll come with you!

I want to be on my own!

Um, you're not expecting me to hit him or anything, are you?

No! Good. I don't expect anything from anyone but disappointment.

You'll love me, then.

And I will never have sex with anyone again for as long as I live, and

certainly not with you.

So just fuck off. All of you, just fuck off.

Does this affect our deal?

Fuck your deal.

Lizzie.

Oh, are you getting out?

Yes.

That was Carly. Did you see that?

Yeah, it was dark, but I saw her. Isn't she beautiful?

Yes, she's very beautiful.

I'm going now.

Oh, okay.

I've been better.

What are you doing?

I'm thinking.

About how shit the holiday is?

Partly that.

Partly I'm thinking about putting stones in my pockets and chucking myself in the

pool. Oh, I wouldn't swim in that. It's rank.

Right. Also, if you put stones in your pockets, you'll sink, so better to not

have the stones, really.

I'll bear that in mind, Neil.

I stopped believing in God when I realised it was just dog backwards.

What? Well, when you think about it, G-O-D...

D-O-G.

It's like an anagram, but a backwards one, isn't it?

Right. And then after that, I just stopped worrying about stuff.

You only get one go round, I reckon. When you're dead, you're dead. So you

can spend your time thinking about how things haven't gone perfect, or you can

just get on with it, have a laugh and that.

That's what I do. I'm pretty happy.

You are, aren't you? Yeah.

Thanks, Neil.

Thanks for that.

Just remember, it's D-O-G backwards.

No, not that. No offence, but that's moronic.

No, I mean, thanks for coming to cheer me up. I didn't come to cheer you up. I

came to say I did a shit in the children's toilet and I can't get rid of

it. Oh, God.

Because I thought I'd try something different, you know, as a treat.

Neil,

what the fuck has gone into that?

You've been eating tear gas.

No, it's just a bit beer-y.

And that meatiness is probably the kebabs.

Okay, that's it. Neil, you were right. It may not be paradise, but we can at

least try and enjoy this place for exactly what it is. A shithole? Yes, but

it's our shithole. So let's get out there and get royally fucked up on Jay's

dead grandad's money.

That's what he would have wanted.

If we get €5.50, Neil, you're paying it. But it's not on the floor. Some of it is

on the floor. Well, yes, some of it.

Is this

normal

enough for you?

Probably a bit too normal.

I'm almost going to miss him when I'm at uni. When he's at uni, you mean?

Yeah, but I'll be at uni too.

Will you?

What, this year?

In a few weeks.

Oh, what, just because Will's going?

No, because I want to.

What about me?

What?

What am I going to do?

Um, I don't know.

I thought you knew I was going to uni.

Yeah, of course, no.

But it's just that I was going to use my granddad's money to set us up in

business. Selling car stereos to premiership footballers.

Neil was going to work in the depot, but me, you and Rio Ferdinand are on sales.

I haven't a life than that.

Oh, right.

Yeah, I'm going to do sociology.

Fuck.

I'm sorry I ripped your tickets up now.

Could have had a bit of a send-off.

What tickets?

Boat party ones.

I bought them when I was pissed the other night. I thought I'd surprise you.

Oh well.

You what? You tore them up?

Yeah.

What? After we had the fight?

Yeah. I was angry because you had a go in that.

Yeah, sure.

Makes sense.

You fucking arsehole!

You!

I'm not gonna fucking mess you up again, do ya? Yeah!

Yeah? Yeah!

Oh, you two can't even have a piss out of the end of my cock in peace.

You two go on.

I'm just gonna have a little recovery snooze.

Come on, mate.

You can have my bed tonight.

This one's a bit bitey.

Can I tell you I touched a boob tonight?

Like a real boob. A girl's one.

I didn't get to lick it though.

This has been the best night of my life.

It was the day of the boat party, and it looked like literally everyone in Malia

had a ticket.

Well, everyone except me and Simon, whose mood was now bluer than his balls.

If I could, I'd give you my ticket, Si.

You can.

Just give me your ticket.

Yeah, but I really want to go, Stacey. Actually, I can't.

Take Jay's ticket.

No, I think he needs it.

What, because of Jane?

No. In case the captain dies and they need me to drive the boat.

Eased up on the vomiting. Mainly retching now. For the record, they don't

clean that toilet floor very often. Lots of pubes on hands, knees, and my face

when I had a little lie down. I cannot believe we've been eating here.

Well, they look hot. A bit young for you, and they kneel.

Lucy.

Lucy.

Alison.

Alison. Oh, I give up.

All right, boys.

Who killed Will?

What's up with Lucy?

I don't know. If you ask her rather than talking about your ex the whole time,

you might find out. Oh.

God, really?

Fine.

You coming to the boat party, then? You trying to stop me? We just saw two hot

fellas dressed as firemen getting on board.

Might need a hand with their hoses.

Might have to set fire to my knickers.

Well, I'll come with you, if you like.

No, thank you.

Come on, Lisa.

You look as bad on the outside as I feel on the inside.

Oh, don't worry.

I feel like shit on the inside, too.

Although, I don't have a pube on my cheek. Oh, God.

Anyway, seeing you in such a mess has at least cheered me up a bit. Glad to be of

service. You know I have a penis I'm burned on my back too.

Must be reassuring to know that however bad life gets, you're not me.

It is.

Good, because that means every time you're down, you have to come and find

me and hang out with me.

Yeah, I think I might.

Starting with today, I've got Nikos' ticket for the boat party. Do you fancy

joining me?

Um, yes.

More than anything.

Great. On one condition, though.

Anything. At no point are you allowed to say, I told you so.

Ooh, not sure I can guarantee that.

So it's not that I'd rather go to a party that infinitely heightens my sense

of being out of kilter with the rest of the world. It's just that Alison is sort

of the fittest girl I've ever met.

And maybe... It's fine, Will. Honestly, go for it.

I'll just find a quiet spot and hang myself.

Great. Lucy, make sure he doesn't hang himself.

I'm off. Look at me, following my cock like a normal person.

Sorry for saying cock.

I didn't realize I was being such a dick.

You were.

I'm trying to say sorry.

Well, say it then.

Sorry. For being a dick?

Sorry for being a dick.

And for having too much gel in your hair? I don't think I've got that much.

Okay, I'm sorry for having too much gel in my hair.

You should probably get going.

I'm not that bothered.

Really? Yeah.

If you like, maybe we could hang out, the two of us.

I quite fancy just staying by the pool.

Yeah, I mean, why spend the day having unbelievable fun on a party boat when

you could be taking a depressed man swimming at a family hotel?

I'm serious.

I don't mind.

I might even cheer you up.

If they let you back in.

I honestly don't think I'll be very good company.

But thanks for the offer.

You go. I'll be all right.

Look, it's obvious how much Carly means to you.

She's lucky, I think.

I'm sure you'll sort it out. She goes back tomorrow.

I can feel her slipping away.

Simon, if she really means that much to you, I want you to take my ticket.

Lucy. If you really want to go, take it.

If you really want to go.

Come on, do you do that for me?

Yeah.

Thanks.

I'll see you later. Enjoy the pool.

Will! Will! I got a ticket! I got a ticket!

Will! I got a ticket! I got a ticket!

The boo party was Jay's promised land.

Sun, sea, booze, and who knows, maybe even some sex, minge, fanny and tics.

And booze. And sex.

Boom. Oh, shaky shot to get us started. You are kidding.

Oh, come on, it's the best cure.

Fair enough. What are we toasting?

To the pussy.

The pussy.

Nail. To being player.

Leas! Leas!

Si? To me and Carly!

No, you're right, mate. Fuck off.

Fine. Well, I'm going off to find her anyway.

Oh, Si, I forgot something.

What?

Oh, for fuck's sake!

You know, I should probably find Jane. I promised her a dance.

What?

What? No, just a dance. And then we could get some proper fit gash.

But Jane's all right, you know. She's a laugh.

The fat ones are always jolly.

Neil, what a horrible thing to say.

Just you and me then, Will? Oh, no.

Oh, God. What was I thinking? Tequila?

Shit. Sorry.

Sorry.

Make your bloody mind up, you wally.

Richard. All right, mate? All right.

How's it going?

Yeah, not too bad. I was DJing at this techno club, right, and this mental emo

bird comes over to me and says, I want you to piss on me and then fuck me. So I

pissed all over her. And then fucked her?

No, she was covered in piss.

Oh, of course.

Anyway, the other day, right, I started crying. I couldn't stop. So, yeah, my

mum and dad have flown over to take me home. Pretty cool.

Yeah.

Come and say hello? Alright.

Dad, Mum.

Hiya.

Back off, bitch!

Not this time.

Jane? Jane?

Oh, hello.

Sure you want to be seen with me?

Yeah, I do. I really do.

Can we have that snuff now? What?

Now, here, right in front of everyone.

Um... Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah? Well, I'm not that kind of girl.

Oh. So, I suggest we find somewhere a little more private.

I don't mind. I told you, I do. And to be fair, in private, you might get a

blowjob out of it.

Where have you been? I've been looking all over for you. I need to tell you

something. I know.

Get it all up.

A little easier on the sunburnt cock, please.

Sorry.

It's fine.

I mean, what a total twat.

Me? No.

Nikos, the total and utter Greek twat.

Did you see her? She was hideous. She must have been at least 30.

I told you so.

You arsehole. You had to say it, didn't you? Even in the fucking state you're

in, you couldn't resist.

Sorry, but at least I'm consistent.

Yes, you are, aren't you?

Okay. So I think I'd like to revise my offer.

How about instead of having sex with you in a year, I have sex with you all year?

What? It's a one-time offer.

To confirm, do you mean like a girlfriend or like a prostitute?

I was thinking more like a girlfriend.

Could you write it down? No!

I am not going to write it down.

Look, what I'm trying to say is I like you.

Despite myself, I really do like you.

If you like me too, then we're on.

But not till you've brushed your teeth.

Oh.

What's she doing?

You know we could do this forever.

Yeah, I know, yeah.

Oh, God, Carls, I thought I'd lost you. I thought I'd lost you. And no matter

how many times they hit me in the balls, I knew I was right.

And I've worked it all out. It was so simple.

I'll just get a job near your uni for three years, four if you do an MA, and

then we can be together forever.

Forever.

Just like we should be.

Carly, what's wrong?

Did you hear what I said?

Something about being hit in the balls?

Well, yeah, but mainly about being together forever.

Sorry, Simon. Could you just kiss me again?

Sorry, Carls.

This is wrong.

What?

I've made a bad choice today.

I honestly wish you all the best with your life.

But right now I have to leave.

I don't think you'll ever see me again.

But I'll see you at your mum's birthday in two weeks' time.

Well, yeah, but then after that.

And then your brother's 16th the following week. It was more of a

metaphorical thing.

Anyway, I'll see you around, Carls.

Yes. At your mum's. Please, can I just... Thank you.

Below deck, Neil was being as faithful as ever to his girlfriend by

aggressively dry-humping Lisa to within an inch of her life.

Neil.

Neil, stop.

What's up? Is it my zip? I can undo it if you want.

No, it's not that.

I just think this is wrong. I feel bad for your girlfriend.

No, it's fine. We aren't kissing.

Yeah, but look at what we are doing.

I mean, how do you think you'd feel if you saw her doing this with a guy?

I don't want to be treated like this. I've got ethics.

Yeah, yeah, you're right. It's just that Nicole dumped me before we got out

here and I didn't want to say anything to the others because I was embarrassed.

Oh, Neil.

Yeah, she sent me this text saying, like, you dance like a twat, you are

dumped.

It broke me up.

So this is fine. And if you want, we can even kiss.

Oh, Neil.

Is that true?

Really? Yeah, of course.

If you like.

That was just... I mean, did it not taste funny? Because it looks funny.

All right, mate.

Who's this, then? Hi, I'm Jane.

She's my girlfriend.

Oh, is she?

Fucking hell.

You want to be careful she doesn't fall overboard.

Because I'll get harpooned. Because they might think I'm a new island. Because

all the water will splash out onto the land. Heard them all. Take your pick.

Fucking hell, Tubbs. All right. It was only a joke.

Anyway, seeing as you're coming out there like a naughty boy, how about you

do me a favor?

I need a note for the old two.

We weren't doing drugs, actually.

Christ. For a sec, I hope you were.

There are laws against fucking cattle, mate. Even in Greece.

Now, I'm going to need to take that note off you.

Well, you're a mate.

You don't mind, do you?

Give.

No, no, not at all.

Here you are, mate. Already rolled.

Cheers. I'll keep this, yeah? No problemo.

I think the government's anti-drugs campaign would be more successful if

they pointed out that every now and again there's a small chance you might

accidentally snort some poo.

Simon, you alright?

Yeah.

Yeah. For the first time in my life, I think I actually am.

I'm clear, anyway.

How'd it go with Carly?

Long-term good, short-term horrific.

Have you murdered her?

No, but I am starting to think that maybe Carly's not all that. Well, it's

taken a while. Don't like the nether. I think Lucy might be the one.

Yes, obviously.

Lucy's much nicer and actually likes you.

But I'm worried I might have been a bit of a dick to her. Well, you've been more

than a bit of a dick to her. You've been a massive dick to her.

She still likes you anyway.

Good. That's really good.

Does he always strip when he's happy?

Yeah, normally.

Simon? You can't go up there. There's a sign.

Oh, sign?

Alison, will you text Lucy and tell her I'm coming to get her?

Of course I will.

Will you?

All right.

Yeah. What are you doing up there, Liv? I'm going to swim back to shore and tell

Lucy how I feel.

How romantic.

It is, isn't it?

Bollocks. You can see the shore.

I've swum further than that underwater.

Do it. Just swim there and show her what she means to you and then kiss her.

On the fanny.

Sorry, darling.

Right, fuck it. You only live once.

I think he might be drowning.

Simon. I think I've shit myself.

Lucy, it's normally bigger. It was cold.

One of us should probably have gone to hospital with Simon. But to be perfectly

honest, we had more important things to do.

This is how we like to live our life. I got a feeling everything is going to be

all right. So come on, come on, come on.

We like to sleep all day.

The party of life. This is how we like to live our life.

I got a feeling everything is going to be all right. So come on, come on, come

on. Let's party, that's our nation.

He said again no he's ever

wanted

This can't be happening.

I said, oh Lord, this can't be happening.

Going to the race, trying to drive back to money, back and forth, trying to

break it. But tears left and said, it shouldn't have been me.

She won't live, cause cried when she got cross and know that she always lost.

Yeah, she sold it all.

Please come home!

It's gone!