Original subtitles

Just tell Piper how you feel!

Louie, why are you here?

According to my mom, a series of poor decisions she made in her early 20s.

I keep telling you, Piper likes you back.

But what if she doesn't? I'll end up a lonely, pathetic loser that no one wants

to be around.

You're that now!

And that's my gig.

Watch, I'll prove Piper's into you.

What? No!

Piper, are you in love with Jarvis?

She nodded. She nodded! She must really love you because she's still nodding.

Sorry, did you say something?

I'm listening to music.

With my Bowie-canceling headphones.

Actually... Jarvis has something he wants to tell you. Something he's been

wanting to tell you for a long time.

Oh.

Okay.

What is it, Jarvis?

Uh... Go on, tell her.

Piper... I love you.

Unicorns! I love unicorns!

Wow, it takes a big man to admit that.

Or a little girl.

I love unicorns?

At this rate, you have a better chance of ending up with one of them than with

Piper. By the way, if you do end up dating a unicorn, see if she has a

mermaid friend for me.

Ideally, top half fish.

I like a nice dorsal fin.

Through all the ups and all the downs, we'll always find a way around.

So here we go.

Here we go.

important assignment Jarvis gave me.

I have to measure the room every day to make sure the building's not shrinking.

That's not important.

Maybe not to you.

You're tiny.

I mean, Jarvis and Piper give you useless, busy work so you'll stay out of

the way.

That's not true.

Have they ever asked you to design a toy?

No, but that's usually because I'm too busy measuring...

Jarvis and Piper don't think I can design a toy.

But this is your chance to show them by going away for as long as it takes and

designing a toy Jarvis and Piper will love.

Thanks, Aster.

I really appreciate being given an assignment that matters instead of being

sent off just because someone wants to get rid of me.

You wanted to see me? No one ever wants to see me.

I'm surprised they don't make Bowie canceling sunglasses.

Oh, Bowie, you're here.

Good. I finally figured out how to woo her.

Thanks, but I already know what to say.

Yes, I am of the land and you are of the sea, but we can make it work.

Sure, I can't swim, but I have floaties.

Not the mermaid.

I'm talking about me and Piper.

I'm working on a song that will tell her how I feel.

Guys have been winning girls' hearts with love songs forever.

Well, let's hear what you got so far.

You fill my heart, Piper Like a baby fills a diaper

That's a terrible song.

Diapers aren't just for babies. I'm sick of people thinking that!

Dude, check it out. I designed a toy Jarvis will love.

Already?

Yep. Word around the office is Jarvis loves unicorns. So I designed a toy.

Wait for it.

Unicorn?

Yeah.

Tell me what you think.

Ow!

Lux, now I can't see out of this eye.

Then take a look with your other eye.

Ow! Now I can't see anything.

But you were supposed to design a toy Jarvis and Piper would both like.

As we all know, Jarvis loves unicorns.

But Piper doesn't.

You're right.

Those two have nothing in common. They would make a terrible couple.

Luckily, that's not an issue because Jarvis loves unicorns, not Piper.

Okay, I'm here, Jarvis. What did you want me to see?

This. Yo, DJ Bubstead, drop that beat.

Perfection, that's what you are Center of attention, deep down in

my heart And girl, I should mention, you're like a work of art Yeah, you

don't need no photoshop, beautiful the way you are The way that you move, the

way you do you, got my hands spinning The way that you rock, the way that you

talk, got me singing

prettiest girl that I ever seen.

Straight from the cover of a magazine.

So what's it gonna take y'all? What I gotta do? Tell me how to make y'all my

beauty queen.

She was so cool. Never wanna play by the old rule I put her on a pedestal, but I

was okay with that kind of vibe to take me back And she was so sweet. She's the

prettiest girl that I ever seen. So I know I gotta treat her like a beauty

queen You're the prettiest girl that I ever seen

Straight from the cover of a magazine.

So what's it gonna take ya? What I gotta do? Tell me how to make ya

Yeah, my beauty queen.

My beauty queen. You're my beauty queen.

So, what did you think of the song?

I think... Geneva will love it.

You think the song is for Geneva?

Obviously, who else... What else would like a superficial song that reduces the

value of a woman to just her looks, ignoring who she really is as a person?

Not you?

No, I would never want someone to write a song like that for me.

Yep, the song's for Geneva.

I didn't even know you were still into her.

I'm not.

This is... Bowie's song.

He wrote it for her.

He sings it.

Really? It sounded like you.

I was just lip syncing in a mocking way.

to mock this song for its mock-worthy, un-feminist-y... stuff.

Oh, of course, you were mocking it. That explains all those goofy dance moves.

Yeah, goofy.

Mother's Day shopping? Done.

Bowie, if anyone asks, you wrote and recorded Beauty Queen for Geneva.

All right, but no one ever asks me things. They just tell me things, like,

stop it! Or, if anyone asks, you wrote and recorded Beauty Queen for Geneva.

You wrote a song for me?

How does it go?

Um... It goes... like this.

You fill my heart, Geneva

Like anyone fills a diaper.

No, no, that's not how it goes, Bowie.

Remember, it's more like... You're the prettiest girl that I've ever seen.

Straight from the cover of a magazine.

So what's I gotta take ya, what I gotta do? Tell me how to make ya... My

beauty queen.

Not the dance moves, they were goofy.

But the song is so romantic.

It just makes me want to...

Wait,

what does it make you want to do?

I came up with a new toy I think Jarvis and Piper will like.

Already?

As everyone knows, Jarvis loves unicorns, and Piper loves zombies, so I

put the two of them together.

Not Jarvis and Piper. That would be crazy.

You combined a unicorn and a zombie?

Yeah, unicorns.

You actually did it. You created something they'll both love.

I guess that means I'm useful now.

Maybe I can help you with what you're working on.

You know, now that I look at this toy, I'm not so sure it's perfect.

I mean, have you ever seen a real unicorn?

No. How do you know this is realistic?

Were you saying I need to compare this to a real unicorn?

Only if you want Jarvis and Piper to like your toy.

I do.

I won't stop searching until I find a real live unicorn.

That's what I was hoping you'd say.

Hey Jarvis, I put Beauty Queen on YouTunes and they sent me a royalty

check. Which I guess means I'm royalty now.

Oh wee.

That's your highness, you peasant!

Whoa, that's a lot of money.

How many people listen to my song?

None. But a ton of people listen to my song.

Your song?

I wrote and recorded Beauty Queen for Geneva.

My girlfriend!

You found me, Gigi.

Bobo, Gigi. Yes, Jar Jar?

Your boy's girlfriend?

Yeah. I mean, he wrote that amazing song about me.

It's crazy to think we just met yesterday.

You're getting rich and dating Geneva because of my song?

Well... At least I didn't ruin my chances of getting together with Piper.

Hey, I was wondering if we could get together.

Yes, I would love to get together with you.

I was talking to Bowie.

McCorn.

I'm working on a new song and was wondering if you could help me.

You want his help?

I thought you hated my song.

That Bowie wrote for Geneva.

I hate the lyrics of your song that Bowie wrote for Geneva.

But musically, it's great.

It's so catchy.

Really? You think so?

You know, if you pay close attention to the lyrics, you can tell that the

composer uses beauty not only to refer to physical appearance, but also inner

beauty.

Beauty of the spirit.

Nope, I wrote it about Geneva's hot looks.

Aster, I spent the entire day looking everywhere for a unicorn.

Well, keep at it.

Why? I found one.

What? Is this thing real?

Take a look for yourself.

Ow!

Wow!

His horn poked you in the eye just like this thing's did.

Ow!

Thank you, Aster.

You pushed me to make this toy perfect.

And I guess you did.

It's pretty accurate.

Valid criticism.

It is only pretty accurate.

Unicorps isn't alive.

You're saying if I want to make a true comparison, I need to kill this unicorn.

I'm not saying that! Anymore. Because you already did.

I'm trying to write a new song, but I can't quite crack it.

Do you think you could help me?

I'll try.

I think I did more than just crack it.

That should be me hanging out with Piper and Bowie creepily watching us from a

coffin.

It's not right.

Show me how you think I should play it.

a word around the office is true.

You do love zombies.

Back in your coffin, Walker!

Jarvis, Bowie's trying to help me with my music.

Yeah, I just need to talk to him for a minute.

Privately.

I'm spending even less time with Piper now than before.

You need to come clean and admit that you didn't write Beauty Queen so she

goes back to avoiding you.

Like a normal person.

No way.

If Geneva thinks I didn't write this song, she'll break up with me! She

kissed me!

That's the most physical contact I've ever had with another person!

Not including this right here.

Can we get back to work now?

Unhand my bobo.

I wanna take him out tonight.

No, I need him to help me with my song tonight.

Bobo can't hang out with either of you tonight. He's performing a concert on

the roof for all of his fans.

I am?

You're performing here?

I've got to go get the best seats. Not if I get it first, PP.

That's not how you shorten Piper.

I know.

I guess you'll have to admit Beauty Queen is not your song. There's no way

you can perform it live.

Sure I can.

I'll just lip sync.

The hard part will be learning your goofy dance moves.

Nope, not goofy enough.

Hello,

Nick-Nack! I've come all the way from my desk downstairs to be here tonight.

This is a little song called Beauty Queen, which I totally wrote and I'm

totally going to sing live.

Hit it, DJ Bubstep!

Perfection, that's what you are Center of attention, deep

down in my heart

You can go home, Mrs. Bubkiss. Bowie didn't show up.

But I didn't show up without Bowie on stage.

Oopsie. Bubkiss wrong.

Now let's really see how well Bowie can lip sync.

That's my boyfriend!

Sorry,

everyone. I knew I'd blow your minds. I didn't know I'd also blow the circuits.

I guess that means we'll have to cancel the concert and leave here with my

musical genius intact.

We don't have to cancel the concert.

Surely a talented musician like you can do a live acoustic version.

Just you and a piano.

I would, but we don't have a piano.

You're standing next to one.

That's a piano!

Bully! Bully!

Bully! Bully!

Perfection, what would you want?

Center of attention.

Deep down in my heart.

Girl, as I mentioned, you're like a work of art.

You don't need no Photoshop.

Beautiful the way you are.

Knox, you can't kill this unicorn.

Why not?

You want to do it?

This magnificent creature could be the only unicorn on Earth.

Well, we can't keep it. Where are we going to put a unicorn?

Right here, in this room.

This room isn't big enough.

Sure it is. I'll measure it.

Good idea.

You do that.

And really, to find the best place for our unicorn, maybe you should measure

every room in the building.

I will do that.

You drop this.

Thank you.

Bubba, you are amazing!

I love being your beauty queen.

About that.

I can't see you anymore.

Why not?

Did you get poked in the eyes by a unicorn?

Word around the office is that happens a lot.

I mean, we can't date anymore.

Sorry, Gigi, but I'm a superstar now, and I'm not willing to be with one

woman. Especially when I can be with half a woman.

Great performance, huh?

Yeah, Bowie did a great job.

He sure did.

At performing your song.

I know you wrote Beauty Queen.

You do?

Yeah, I should have realized it earlier.

Only you could write something so... passionate.

Plus, Bowie didn't know what a piano was.

Okay, I did write it.

And I know why.

Because you're in love.

Deeply in love.

With Geneva.

She's your beauty queen. No, she's not.

I get it. You're afraid of being rejected.

No, I'm not.

Well, yes, I am.

What do you do if you love someone, but you're afraid they won't love you back?

Fear of rejection is a tough thing. But if you really love that person, you have

to just... never tell them.

What? If you're worried about being rejected, it's probably for a reason.

Trust me, I've been through this.

Maybe you're right, Piper.

I can't risk losing... that person as a friend.

She means too much to me.

Then this is for the best.

Phew.

I almost told Piper I'm in love with her.

That would have ruined everything.

Phew. He almost told Janine that he was in love with her.

That would have ruined everything.

Bowie Sherman had it all.

A hit song, fabulous wealth, which he framed instead of cashing, and a

beautiful half-girlfriend.

But the only thing faster than Bowie's rise to fame was his fall from grace.

I don't know why Bowie thought he could write a second hit song.

He didn't write the first one.

You're the fishiest girl I ever seen.

Straight from the waters of the marine.

Reverse Mermaid was a commercial and critical disaster.

He lost everything.

Even the people who'd been there from the beginning wouldn't talk to him.

Creative differences.

The Bowie Sherman story.

Monday at 630. I'm P. Everett Knickknack. The P stands for pathetic.

Just pathetic.

The way that you rock, the way that you talk.

You got me singing.

You're the prettiest girl that I've ever seen.

Straight from the cover of a magazine.

So what's it gonna take ya? What I gotta do? Tell me how to make ya.

My beauty queen.

My beauty queen