Original subtitles

Scooby-Doo.

Previously on Some Assembly Required. Isn't it funny how we ended up on the

same bus again?

You chased it down the street, leapt off an overpass onto the roof, and punched

your way in through a window.

I didn't want to be late for work.

I've never told anyone this before, but I kind of have a thing for Jarvis.

You know?

I get it.

Jarvis doesn't love me.

I have to accept that we're just meant to be friends.

I think I'm in love with her. She feels the same way about you.

I doubt that. I have to accept that we're just meant to be friends.

Isn't it funny how we ended up on the same bus again?

You chased it down the street, leapt off an overpass onto the roof, and punched

your way in through a window.

I didn't want to be late for work.

Jarvis, just stop.

It's clear that you're falling in... to that hole.

All right, Bowie, I'm finally gonna do something I should have done a long time

ago. No, don't fire me! Instead of doing my job, I made a whole list of reasons

why you shouldn't fire me.

One, I'm really good at making lists.

Two... I'm not firing you, Bowie.

Though after that list, I probably should.

I'm finally gonna tell Piper...

that I'm in love with her.

It's about time!

I can finally cross getting you guys together off my to-do list.

What? Get Jarvis and Piper together.

Two.

Okay, she's over there.

I don't know what I've been so afraid of.

Piper's not scary.

Piper?

I can come back!

No, don't! Don't come back? Okay, works for me!

No, I mean, I want to show you the new toy I'm working on.

It's a fully functional guitar you can smash then put back together.

I call it Wreck-N-Roll.

Wow, that's a great idea, Piper.

You created a whole line of instruments that you can smash and put back

together.

Nope, just a guitar.

Buckle up and hold on tight.

You and me on a wild ride.

We're gonna own it and change the game.

Together we'll make it all the way.

Through all the ups and all the downs.

We'll always find a way around.

So here we go.

Here we go.

Yeah, here we go.

Here we go.

If you're hungry and have nothing to eat, bite your tongue. If you love the

taste of human, I play, bite your tongue. Once gravy's getting thicker,

you can eat something quicker. So hold on to your liquor and bite your tongue.

Charles Nelson vomit destroys his guitar at the end of every concert?

Yep. And his tongue.

He used to be a much better singer.

Does that tattoo on his arm say Serenity?

Because I don't think he knows what that word means.

Serenity's his girlfriend.

It's amazing he'd get her name tattooed on his body.

He's a hopeless romantic.

Anyway, watching him gives me an idea.

Gives me an idea too.

Violently Yell is performing at the Viper Pit tonight.

I'm gonna try to get them to use our Recamo guitar on stage.

Do you know what kind of publicity we'd get if our toy was used by Charles

Nelson Vomit?

Bad publicity?

Hey, he's got a lot of fans.

People pay attention whenever he opens his mouth. And not just because they

want to see if his tongue falls out.

You want to get a tattoo?

Why? OK, look.

Can you keep a secret?

You have no idea.

Here's the thing.

I'm kind of, sort of, completely in love with Piper.

That's not a secret.

A secret is something that no one knows. That's not completely obvious.

Like my secret.

Do you know a tattoo artist?

I want to tattoo Piper's name on my arm so she sees that I'm a hopeless

romantic. That's a terrible idea.

Tattoos are forever.

It's like wearing the same outfit every day.

Cleaning woman Saturday!

Do you know anyone or not?

Alright, if your heart's really set on it, I do know a tattoo guy. And he's

really good.

It'll be quick and painless.

Jarvis, he hasn't even started yet.

That's just a wet cotton ball.

I know.

But it's really cold.

Whoa. Back of the line.

I have to wait in that line?

Sorry, dude. We're only letting girls in right now.

I'm not a dude. I'm a girl.

That's exactly what a dude who wanted me to think he was a girl would say.

But look at me, I'm wearing makeup.

So are all these other dudes.

Wow, that really hurt.

But at least when Piper sees this, she'll know how I feel.

Okay, there she is.

Hey, Piper.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, Piper.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, Piper.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, Piper.

Oh, sorry.

Jarvis?

Piper, there you are!

What are you doing here?

You know how we were talking about Charles Nelson Vomit's Serenity tattoo?

Oh, you heard she broke up with him?

What?

But he tattooed her name on his arm.

She's supposed to be with him forever.

Marry him. Become Mrs. Vomit.

No surprise that's not happening. Only an idiot would get a tattoo of a girl's

name. Those relationships never work out.

But you said it was amazing that he got that tattoo.

That he was a hopeless romantic.

Yeah, amazing that he would do something so obviously foolish and hopeless

because there was no hope she would ever find it romantic.

But you find it romantic, right?

No.

Yeah, me neither.

What are you doing?

Just pretending to be a T-Rex.

Roar.

Is that a tattoo that says Piper?

Is this for me? Like Charles Nelson Vomit got for Serenity?

No, of course not.

Only an idiot would get a tattoo of a girl's name.

Why would you think that?

Because my name is Piper.

The truth is, I got this tattoo so the world would know about my one true love.

Plumbing!

You love plumbing?

Yup! Making toys is my job, but plumbing is my passion.

I love pipes, hence... Piper!

Okay... For a second, I thought you got that for me.

I mean, it's a little hard to get plumbing from a tattoo that just says...

Piper.

That's because it's not done yet.

You won't think it's for you once it's finished.

If only someone had warned you this was a terrible idea.

Oh wait, I did.

Geneva,

Piper?

Am I at work?

After lunchtime?

No, we're outside.

We're not in an office.

Then why do all those desks keep driving by?

Listen, can you do me a favor?

Piper, you know I'd do anything for a friend.

Judy, but wait!

But I'm trying to get to the mall.

That's fine. I just needed to go up to that guy over there and say I'm a girl.

Oh, okay.

I can do that.

I'm a girl.

I can see that.

Come on in.

I thought you were going to a concert tonight.

I called Mrs. Bobkiss and asked her to hold my spot in line so I could come

back and change into something more girly.

Oh, that should help.

You heard the bouncer's giving me a hard time?

No, I just mean in general.

Piper, I'm so glad you're here.

I just got the finishing touches done on my Piper tattoo.

Well, I guess that is pretty plumber-y.

And this.

Sorry I ever doubted you. You're definitely into plumbing.

You're into plumbing?

Obviously. Why else would I have this Piper tattoo?

This is perfect because the toilet's clogged. The toilet's fine.

I was just in the bathroom.

Not trying to get the puffy redness from crying out of my eyes.

Not that toilet.

My toilet.

been doing your business while we've been doing our business?

Not lately. As I said, it's clogged.

These lists you made are misleading.

You're better at number two than I thought.

So can you fix it, Jarvis?

No way.

I would pass up an opportunity to be a piper.

Hey, you actually unclogged it.

Really?

And added a bidet function!

Piper asked me to hold her place in line.

This is the perfect opportunity to finally get back at one of those rotten

kids.

You can go ahead of me.

I thought you were changing to try to look like a

girl.

I'd watch what you say.

I know your secret.

Wow, Jarvis, you must be in heaven.

I did it. I finally fixed Bowie's... chair.

Great, now can you take a look at my dishwasher?

When you get a minute.

You know, I've been thinking about this tattoo.

And how reasonable my explanation for it is?

No, the opposite, actually.

I was wondering why you decided to use the word piper.

Wouldn't plumber have been more clear?

No.

Because then it would only refer to plumbing and not the other thing I'm

really passionate about.

Which is... playing the bagpipes.

I'm not just a piper, I'm also a piper.

No one would ever get that by looking at your tattoo.

That's because it's not done yet.

Ooh, one more tattoo and you get a free belly button piercing.

Thanks for holding my spot, Mrs. Bubkiss. Now that I'm wearing a dress, I

definitely look like a girl.

Well,

now that I'm back, neither of us has to wait in this line anymore.

You've been waiting in line?

A babe like you should have been let right in.

Love your look, by the way.

Only three hours.

Look at me. I'm clearly a girl.

Nice try.

I think I know when I'm looking at a guy in a dress.

Ma'am?

Seriously?

That man had a beard!

That woman had a beard.

Great. I'm gonna be stuck out here all night.

I'm never gonna get to hear any music.

Jarvis? What are you doing here?

Just meeting up with some other pipers here at the Piper Pit.

This is the Viper Pit.

You're right.

I always mix up my V's and P's. It's a real problem.

Anyway, since we're both here, I can show you the rest of my tattoo.

Wow.

Yep, I finally finished it.

So I guess this and this support my perfectly reasonable explanation

for my Piper tattoo.

I guess so.

Jarvis, what's going on? Is there something you want to get off your

chest?

A couple of things, actually.

The truth is, Piper, even more than bagpipes or plumbing, I love... Hey, you

can go in now.

Really? About time.

Not you, dude.

The topless chick in the plaid skirt.

I like this jacket too!

What's with all the tattoos?

Bagpipes? A plumber?

Some sort of work?

Ow! Don't touch me! They still hurt!

This dancing is actually taking my mind off the horrible pain I'm in!

You can't sleep here.

There's a men's shelter down on Byrne Road.

I'm at the front of the line! Can I go in?

If you want.

I missed it?

Everyone's gone?

You kept me in that line up all night!

I missed my chance to see Violently Ill!

And show Charles Nelson vomit this!

That's a really cool guitar!

Charles Nelson Vomit! You're still here!

I can't leave.

Somebody stole my jacket.

I'm so excited to meet you! And this guitar is cool.

You can put it back together and smash it over and over.

Wow! I'd love to use that on stage!

Really? That would be awesome!

Thank you!

Easy there, fella.

My heart was crushed by Piper, my sternum was crushed by dancing punks,

and my everything else was crushed by Mrs. Bubkiss.

And none of that is as bad as what I did to myself.

I'm gonna be stuck with these stupid tattoos forever.

Or at least until you take a shower.

Which you might wanna do.

What are you talking about?

You stink.

I thought it was pretty clear.

No, why would taking a shower affect my tattoos?

Don't touch me, still!

Tattoos wash off?

Yours do.

I knew you would regret getting tattoos, so I had my guy just draw them on you.

They're fake?

Then why do they hurt so much?

Because you're a big baby.

I am not.

Now pass me another baby wipe.

I can't believe you did that for me and I had no idea.

I told you I'm good at keeping secrets.

I've hidden who I really am from you guys for so long.

Master, come on.

It's more obvious than you think.

We've all known for years and we're cool with it.

You are?

You guys won't look down on me if I admit that I... wear lifts in my shoes?

Uh... Well, I can't promise I won't look down on you.

You already use a potty all the time office chair.

Well, now they're available for all your seating needs.

With potty all the time, there's no need to clench on a park bench.

Rush hour becomes flush hour.

And you can see your favorite group while you poop.

I'm P. Everett Mitnick.

The P stands for party on.

Your turn!