Original subtitles

Here we go.

Of course Piper and her new boyfriend are into each other.

She's beautiful and he's... handsome.

Really, really, really handsome.

Three reallys.

One more than me.

Everywhere I look, gorgeous people.

Thanks, Bowie.

I needed a dose of... Anytime.

Oh, Bowie, what's that stench?

I heard you were down in the dumps. And after six hours of sifting through

garbage, I realized it was probably a metaphor.

And after three more hours, I was sure of it.

If I'd known you were going to the garbage dump, I would have asked you to

take this.

Jarvis, you can't eat that much ice cream.

You're gonna end up peeing raspberry ripple.

No, I'm not.

It's coming out rocky road.

Well, I've got something to cheer you up. Is it ice cream?

No, I found one of our discontinued toys that was a big seller in the swinging

60s. The decade where I guess people spent a lot of time on swing sets.

It's called Dig It Dragon, and he's... Groovy, man.

Totally far out.

See? He's so happy.

Or he's not. I don't speak dragon.

How am I supposed to be cheered up by some 50-year-old toy that dresses and

sounds like that guy who asked for a change outside the rec center?

You're bumming me out, man.

Yeah, but you can update it. I think it would be good for you to work on

something other than staring at Piper and that really, really, really, really

handsome guy.

You think he's four reallys? I think he's six. I just didn't want to make you

feel bad.

Look at those two.

They're clearly perfect for each other. Guess what, cutie pipe?

I got you a present.

What?

Two dots?

What's this for?

It goes with my shirt.

We're gonna own it and change the game Together we'll make it all the way

Through all the ups and all the downs We'll always find a way around So here

we go Here we go

You've reached Knick Knack Toys. No one is available to take your call right

now. In fact, you're kind of interrupting my day.

Goodbye.

I've got some fun-tastic plans for us today. I thought we could do some

charity work.

Try to cheer up some sick kids.

Oh, OK.

Of course, you're going to have to change first.

Out of this half-smiley, sunshine yellow T-shirt?

If I have to.

I really should have asked for more details.

So, where are those sick kids?

Right here.

These are the kids?

The sick kids?

Oh, yeah.

This one's got goat gout.

This one's got internal bleeding.

This one, it's got meningitis.

What's wrong with that one?

He's just a little horse.

Adelaide, what are you doing?

You said you wanted to sabotage those kits, so I removed part of the coaster

track. It'll derail the car and send whoever's in it flying. to their death.

Why,

what are you doing?

I replaced the honey crisp apple in this bowl with the pink lady apple, which is

slightly more tart.

This is fun.

I like hanging out with you.

Well, we're going to be doing a lot more of this.

We have the adoption interview today so they can see how much I love children.

Ha!

He fell 90 feet!

Jarvis.

You're still eating ice cream? I thought you were gonna update Dig It Dragon.

I did some work on Dig a Dragon.

I gave him some new phrases.

Great, so now he says things that are more relatable.

Definitely.

No one loves me.

I will die alone.

We're all out of ice cream.

Wow, your dragon is dragging me down.

The things he's saying don't match his fun, colorful look.

Yeah, he already said that one.

We're all out of ice cream.

Why does he keep saying that?

We're all out of ice cream.

You want me to go to the store and get you more ice cream, don't you?

Aster, do you have a sec?

An outfit? So you don't have to wear that?

No, I need some advice.

My advice is change your outfit.

It's not about my outfit!

The thing is, I'm trying to figure out how to get... a good friend of mine

together with the girl he likes.

Because this guy is madly in love with Piper.

You know that I'm in love with Piper?

You? You're in love with Piper?

Yeah, who else are you talking about?

No one else.

No one else.

But you.

The only guy around here who loves Piper.

Thanks for wanting to help me get together with her.

I'm amazed you figured out how I feel about Piper.

Especially the way I insult her.

I can't believe I had to make balloon people for those animals.

Hey, Piper. Smart using extra makeup, but I can still kind of see your face.

I see you finally found shoes the size of your feet. Are you running off to

join the circus?

Not as a clown, as a half man, half... man.

I really love her.

Good, no sign of Aster.

Hey,

Bowie. How's it going getting me and Piper together?

Well... It's going well? Great!

No, I mean, I totally would help you get together with Piper, but she has a

boyfriend.

Weren't those kids great?

Meh.

I assume that's goat for you betcha.

And if you think that was rewarding, later today we're going to volunteer

with Habitat for Humanity.

Habitat for Humanity?

We're gonna build houses for people?

No! Habitat for you, manatee.

We're gonna build houses for manatees. They don't use them much since they have

a heck of a time getting up the stairs.

But it feels good to make a difference.

That's it.

We're done. I don't care that you're six rillies of handsome.

I don't understand.

Maybe this will make it clearer.

What's this?

It's a frowny face!

You'd break it! Recognize it if you ever made one, you grinning baboon.

I'm breaking up with you.

Oh. Well, I don't need a girlfriend to be happy.

That's right.

I've got a pocket full of goat pellets.

Ms. Wheeler, I understand you're interested in adopting.

Yes. There's nothing I want more than a kid of my own.

I'm sorry, we just placed our last goat.

Uh, I meant a human kid. This human kid.

Unless you have anything cuter in stock.

I'm kidding.

Hop in. We're heading home.

Just a moment. We still need to discuss your employment situation.

I have a great job.

I work at a toy company, and not for the reasons you'd think.

Sabotage, destruction, revenge.

But because I love anything that makes children happy.

But it says here you were fired two years ago because you almost killed a

child? Almost killed.

I've gotten to know Candace these past few weeks. And trust me, she'd never

kill anyone.

She's way too incompetent.

I am sorry, Ms. Wheeler, but there's no way I could even consider letting

someone like you adopt a child.

But you didn't even look at my character reference. It's from a judge.

This is a court order that says you are not criminally insane and are fit to

stand trial.

Exactly. Not insane.

Jarvis.

You left your office. Did you make Dig It Dragon's phrases match his outfit?

Life is like a tub of ice cream.

Empty.

I didn't mean change his outfit.

This look doesn't make any sense. He has a smile on his face. And you should too.

Piper broke up with her boyfriend.

So? So you should make your move before... someone else does.

Someone who's half the man you are.

By any measure.

Including height.

Have you spoken to Piper? Once or twice since we started working together.

She usually just makes a face and walks away.

I mean, about her and me.

Uh... She hates you.

Hates me?

Well, hate's a strong word.

But not strong enough. She despises you.

So much so you should never pursue her or speak of this again.

Why would she hate me?

Despise.

Why would she despise me?

Because... You insult her all the time. You can't insult someone over and over

and over again and still expect them to like you. Unless they're really

desperate for a friend.

You get what I'm saying, buddy?

I do get what you're saying. You're offering to help teach me how to be

nice. But first get your grubby little hand off me. This shirt is worth more

than you, you greasy hairless ferret.

You've got your work cut out for you.

Well, I'm convinced.

You're exactly the type of person who should adopt a child.

You're warm, you're loving, you're so... real.

Not plastic face.

You've got a good job and wonderful references from your coworkers.

Although someone named Aster doesn't like what you're wearing.

After the one-month trial period, which I'm sure will just be a formality, the

adoption will be permanent.

Hop in, we're heading home.

You should have seen the horrible woman who tried to adopt her earlier.

I wouldn't even let her adopt a highway.

And looking at that hideous creature, it was obvious she was never gonna find a

man to have a baby with.

Honeycrisp?

I love a nice mildly tart honeycrisp.

That's for me. See, my new mommy's already thinking about my health.

You look gorgeous.

The skirt, the boots.

The way your shoulder peeks out of that top.

The only thing more stunning than that outfit is the hottie who's wearing it.

Wow, I think you're finally getting it.

Turn around.

This is hard enough without looking at your face.

Bowie, you were right again.

Hey, I'm the one trying to compliment this creepy little dead-eyed gremlin.

The closing phrases I gave Digga Dragon didn't go with his smiling face at all.

So I fixed it.

And best of all...

What's that?

That's the festering blood-stained hole from where his heart was ripped out.

It hurts so much, yet I can't feel at all.

Jarvis, that... that... Looks terrific!

Especially the outfit.

I love how the patches of dried blood on the bathrobe bring out the puffy redness

of his weepy eyes.

Thanks, Aster.

That makes me feel...

Still nothing.

Did you hear that? I did it! I complimented that hideous toy!

I'm ready to make my move on Piper and show her how nice I am.

Wait! You're not ready! Say more nice things about my butt first!

Hey Piper, do you have a sec?

An outfit, so I don't have to wear this.

No, I think that outfit is perfect on you. Why?

Because this hideous shirt draws the eye away from my pasty boy face?

Not at all. Your face looks great. The makeup, the earrings, and the way the

touch of color in your hair brings out your eyes.

Although, you're a natural beauty who doesn't need any of that.

What are you up to, Aster?

Almost 5'1". But no matter where I come up to on you, the view is spectacular.

I can't believe I'm getting Aster together with Piper.

I'm supposed to be getting Jarvis together with Piper.

Why must everything I touch turn to love?

Okay, well, I need to get some work done.

Not on your face, I hope.

Because as I said... Perfection.

See you later, gorgeous.

Whatever. Bye, Aster.

Aster?

Well, I did it. I was nice to Piper.

Yep, you did it.

Thanks to me. I guess I'm responsible for all this.

You're darn right you are, you worthless, snot-faced hobgoblin.

I feel like you've regressed a skosh.

Why aren't you happy? I thought you're in love.

No, I'm in hate with myself.

Turns out my true love isn't Piper.

It's insulting, Piper.

So you're not into her anymore?

No.

Thanks, Bowie. Thanks for teaching me to be true to myself.

Oh, you're welcome, Master.

Happy to help a fri- True to myself.

Okay, pick up the banana.

Good.

Now put down the slightly less sweet plantain.

I love you.

What should I call you?

How about Mommy?

I love you, Mommy.

And I love you.

What should I call you?

Adelaide.

Thanks, I'd forgotten your name.

I love you too, Adelaide.

And we're going to be together forever.

Ms. Wheeler?

What are you doing here?

I'm doing a surprise follow-up health and safety visit.

The better question is, what are you doing here?

How is that a better question?

What are you doing with that child?

I can explain, because there is a perfectly reasonable reason for this.

Isn't there, Adelaide?

Yes.

She kidnapped me!

What? Help! Help!

Let me go!

Kidnapped?

It's a slightly less sweet plantain.

How could someone be so evil?

Help me.

Bowie, can you move?

I don't think so.

Great, so I have to walk around you?

Oh, negative.

What was up with Aster?

I was up with Aster.

And then I wasn't.

He was in my office acting really weird.

He was just trying to be nice.

Well, it creeped me out.

I like it way better when he insults me.

Really?

You like that?

In that case, Jarvis thinks you're ugly.

Really, really, really, really, really, really ugly.

Go of her, you horrible... woman.

Where is Mrs. Bubkiss? Why isn't she here?

Oh, I can explain.

Because there's a completely reasonable... reason for that.

Isn't there, Adelaide? Yes.

She locked her in the shed.

What? Why don't you go get her, lady?

Because she isn't in the shed.

But maybe she will be when you...

Get there.

Alright, got it.

I'll go get her.

No way!

I am not letting a kidnapper out of my sight.

You go get her.

Me?

Okay.

I'll see what I can do.

Do you have any kids of your own?

No. I'm allergic to goats.

Mrs.

Bobkiss, thank goodness you're all right.

Although you look shorter than I remember.

Thank you.

Anyway, time to turn you into the police.

Go ahead and try.

It won't do you any good.

I forged that reference letter. I'm not mentally fit to stand trial.

Then I'll just get Adelaide and be on my way.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Bubkiss, but you let your daughter be kidnapped.

A mother needs to be able to protect her child from awful people like this.

I

stand

corrected, Mrs. Bubkiss. You make a one.

Glad to see you're out of your bathrobe. And not just because I hate anything to

do with baths.

You were right, Bowie.

Working on Dig a Dragon made me feel better about myself.

Especially when I donated a bunch of them to a group of sick kids.

Well,

I've got more good news for you.

I did you a solid with Piper.

You did?

Yep, she's gonna have a whole new attitude toward you now.

Jarvis, you think I'm really, really, really, really, really, really ugly?

Really? What? Piper, I didn't... Hi,

I'm P. Everett Knickknack, and I want to talk to you about the heartbreaking

problem of homeless sea cows.

But there's a way you can help give these gentle, bloated giants a roof over

their heads and a sense of dignity.

By donating money, or better yet, your time, to Habitat for Humanity, I'm P.

Everett Knickknack. The P stands for Probably Not a Great Cause.