Original subtitles

Here we go.

Previously on Some Assembly Required. Are you from around here?

From Miskatania.

Mrs. Bubkiss, I followed all your advice with Soros. She was so impressed, she

showed me her pampushkis.

Which, as you know, are traditional Miskatania puff pastries.

Bowie, you know how you told me Jarvis loves me?

Well, if I said it, it must be true. Because I always tell the truth.

Anyway, can we talk about this later? I'm late for a flight and the plane

can't take off without its pilot.

When Piper first started at Knick Knack, I knew she was smart, but I didn't know

much else about her. Over the last year, I've seen so many different sides of

her. I think I'm in love with her. She feels the same way about you.

I doubt that. Piper doesn't like me.

I have to accept that we're just meant to be friends.

Jarvis doesn't love me.

I have to accept that we're just meant to be friends.

This is crazy.

Jarvis and Piper are in love and no one's doing anything about it.

No one but me.

I'm making it my mission to get those two together and nothing will distract

me from it.

Fly me to Miskatania?

Fly you to Miskatania?

Sure, let me get my hat.

Piper doesn't love me.

Maybe no one loves me.

I guess I'm hideous.

Really, really hideous.

Like some kind of monster.

I'm not that... You don't make it work.

I just feel so alone.

Spoon me?

This feels nice.

Are you talking to the furniture?

Yeah.

You don't talk to your furniture?

I like that look on you.

Very colorful.

We need to cut the Rainbow Bunny order.

Its sales are way down.

Really? But it's new and improved.

Not only does it poop rainbows... but now they're edible.

Though they still taste like poop.

I'll tell Bowie. He's in charge of everything poop related.

You can find Bowie.

I haven't seen him around.

I wonder where he is.

Wow, you can go pretty far with the right hat.

So, we'll be in Miskitania soon.

Or in a long time. I don't really know.

But what do you want to do when we get there?

I was going to suggest we check out a museum,

but I like your idea better.

Hello, Captain Bowie speaking.

Bowie, where are you? About 35,000 feet in the air.

34,000.

33,000.

What are you doing?

Are you fuzzing his gun?

Airplane mode?

That really matters?

Buckle up and hold on tight.

You and me on a wild ride.

We're gonna own it and change the game.

Together we'll make it all the way.

Through all the ups and all the downs.

We'll always find a way around.

So here we go.

Here we go.

Yeah, here we go.

That wasn't so bad.

A crash landing is still a landing.

Welcome to Miskatania.

Wow.

Miskatania is beautiful.

Uh, that's Ziskatania.

Miskatania this way.

Well, any place will be a paradise with you.

But I never got to taste your pampushkis!

Knox, what are you doing?

Geneva took a break and asked me to fill in for her.

Excuse me, I bought this rainbow bunny and it's not working properly.

So sue us!

I'm also filling in for Bowie.

What seems to be the problem?

It's not pooping rainbows?

Not the way it's supposed to.

It's got dire rainbow!

Can I get a new one? I kept all the packaging.

Raindrop Rabbit?

This isn't a knick-knack toy.

It's a cheap knockoff.

We need to get to the bottom of this.

Here's the bottom of this.

Even crinkly, I'm pretty.

Geneva, I need your advice.

I'm on a break.

I'll get Knox.

No, I need you for this.

I mean, guys, I don't know. It just happens.

There's this guy I've been into for, well, years, but I need to move on, get

out there, meet someone new.

Is there some trick to it?

Not really.

Right?

Well, assuming that doesn't work for me, which it doesn't,

what should I do?

Just try to date a guy you have stuff in common with.

Like, right now you're interested in finding a guy, so you should try to meet

a guy who's also interested in finding a guy.

As for you two, I'm on a break.

I just went shopping and you'll never believe what I bought.

I thought I was filling in for Geneva.

No, these are toys I bought in the same store where that kid got Raindrop

Rabbit. Fat Cat, Angie, Presto Pack?

Why would you buy knick-knack toys?

I didn't. These are all knock-offs.

This isn't Fat Cat, it's Fat Rat.

And this doll isn't Angie, it's Pangey.

And that's Pesto Pack, a knockoff of Presto Pack, our magic set.

No, this is an actual package of pesto I bought at the grocery store.

I'm making linguine for dinner.

Huh. Pansy might actually come in handy.

But someone's selling cheap knockoffs of our toys.

And they're all made in Miskatania by some company called Knock Knock Toys.

I found their number online.

I'm gonna call them and give them a piece of my mind.

Jarvis. Jarvis who?

Jarvis Raines.

Good one.

Proceed six feet, then turn left at the garbage fire.

Continue on the current route for 6,000 miles.

Awesome, I'm totally gonna get my steps in today.

Hello, former Captain Bowie speaking.

A wolf stole my hat.

Sorry, Captain Wolf stole my hat.

Bowie, are you still a Miskatania? I'm not sure.

Yes, I'm still a Miskatania.

Great, I need your help. Is this about Piper? I'm telling you, she likes you.

Still don't believe you.

And this is not about Piper.

Piper.

Jarvis, can you hurry this up? I think Captain Wolf is coming back for my

pants.

Sorry.

There's a Miskatanyan company that's been ripping off our toys.

I need you to find them and get some evidence.

Sure, what's the name of the company?

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

That's the name of the company.

That's the name of the company who?

I'll just text you the details.

I did not see that punchline coming.

Guess what? I met a guy who's into all the same things as me.

Punk music, horror movies, long walks in the cemetery.

So what happened?

He asked me to give you his number.

No, thank you. He sounds like someone I would hate to spend time with.

What's the point?

I'll never meet anyone. My life stinks.

You know what you should do?

You should volunteer on a teen helpline.

Okay, I get it. You want me to see that my problems aren't that bad and that

there are people way worse off than me.

No, I want you to meet someone who has things in common with you. Someone

miserable and lonely who hates the world.

The kind of guy who calls a teen helpline.

Those do sound like my people.

Great. There's an app that lets you sign up as a helpline volunteer.

The calls get routed right to your phone.

There, you're all signed up.

I'm getting my first call.

Teen Helpline? What seems to be the trouble?

It's the girl I work with. She won't leave me alone.

She wants me to help her meet a guy, but it'll never happen.

How do I get out of this? How?

Wow.

The knock-knock building is a knock-off of the knick-knack building.

Cheap knock-off.

This place is a knockoff of everything.

Master's desk.

Boing.

Mrs. Bob Kiss.

Mrs.

Gunniff.

Trespassing. Trespassing?

This isn't the bakery?

I just wanted to taste your pampuskis.

What?

That's not slang for anything, is it?

No.

Teen Helpline?

Your family's moving to Lethbridge?

That's like 12 hours from here. Can't help you.

Teen Helpline.

You don't know what to get your girlfriend for her birthday.

How about nothing? If she really loves you, she won't care. If she breaks up

with you, call me back.

Teen Helpline.

No one likes you because of your bad breath?

Would you say it's garlicky or more of a sour milk smell?

Ooh, egg salad? Can't help you.

What doing?

What doing you?

I know you've been knocking off all our toys.

Who you work for?

Knick-knack. Who there?

This is not a joke.

Okay, okay.

Come sit office talk.

Fine.

But this sack of potatoes is a terrible knockoff of me.

Where's the tie?

There's knockoffs of everything in here, too.

The action figures, the snapple desk, even the monster chair.

to pull up a couple chairs and talk about this.

Well, they're already a chair. I'll just get one.

No, that's mine.

Hello, soon to be former, former Captain Bowie speaking.

Bowie, did you find any evidence that they're up to no good?

Yeah, a hair.

Sounds like Bowie's in trouble.

We've got to go to Miskatania and save him. In ten minutes.

What? Why?

I'm on a break.

Teen Helpline?

You're locked in a room being roughed up by a Miskatania monster?

Bowie?

Can't help you.

Teen Helpline?

No one will talk to you.

Not your friends, your teachers, even your family?

Gotta go.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Piper Gray.

That's me.

That's me!

My name's Felix.

I run the teen helpline. Uh-oh.

I wanted to talk to you because I noticed more helpline calls going to

your phone than anyone else's.

Look, I can explain. No need.

It's obvious what's happening here.

You took all those calls because...

You really love helping people, just like me.

Yep, I'm a people person.

I knew it.

I feel funny doing this because I certainly didn't think my helpline would

ever be used to find a date, but would you like to go out with me sometime?

How about now?

I'm free now!

Thanks for coming along, Mrs. Bubkiss.

We need someone who can translate Miscitanium into English.

I guess we should have brought someone who also speaks English.

Okay.

Let's go save Bowie.

Wait! We can't just go in. We'll end up like Bowie. Ew.

All creepy and friendless with that weird smell?

No.

Captured or beaten up? Bowie could be anywhere in the building.

But we have no idea where.

If only he could send us a signal.

Some kind of a sign.

Any sign?

He's in my office.

You work here?

Get him!

I mean where my knockoff office must be.

We need to get there without going through the building and getting caught.

The loop-de-loop is coming up. Pick up the pace and hold on to your babushkas.

I told you to hold on to your babushka.

Oh.

Bowie, you're alive!

I can't understand you. Let me take off your gag. Wait,

I speak gag.

He wants us to take off his gag.

At least he stares on a knockoff, Varus.

The ones at knick-knack go up.

I don't have time to explain to you why that's dumb.

We've got to get Bowie out of here.

Goddamn.

Mrs. Bubkiss, you grabbed the wrong Bowie.

An easy mistake, since he put on the tie.

Mrs.

Bumpkiss, where are you going?

Pretzels.

Who are you?

Jarvis. Jarvis Raines. The joke never get old.

We're from Knickknack Toys, and we know you've been ripping off our products.

Who?

They don't understand.

Mrs. Bubkiss.

Explain to them why we're here in Miskitanian.

Mrs.

Bulcus, she doesn't understand anything you're saying.

Because your mouth is full of pretzels.

Get this!

My pretzels.

I think that's meant for me.

We gotta do something!

Do something!

Aha! A knock-knock-knock-off of Nick-Nack's chemistry set.

These things explode.

One blew up my house.

It did?

Bowie, you were there.

Oh, yeah.

Take this.

Even the defective toys are defective.

I can't believe the Muscatanian jury made me the new owner of the company.

And the judge let me keep this cool wooden hammer.

Which is a cheap knock-off.

Like everything else around here.

I'll just get my digital.

I guess we can fix this place up now that we own Knock Knock.

Who is there?

No, I was just using Knock Knock as the name of this company.

No, I was just using Knock Knock as the name of this company. Who?

I wish this gavel wasn't broken.

I don't actually get his jokes, but I don't want him to feel bad.

That was a smooth flight.

Captain Wolf really knows how to land a plane.

What's wrong? Aren't you glad to be back?

You mean back here where Piper's never gonna love me? She does love you. I keep

trying to tell you you're the person she wants to be with.

Come on. I know this great little restaurant.

And instead of eating, we can buy meals for the undocumented, underpaid,

exploited kitchen staff.

And then we can even wash the dishes for them.

Sounds great.

I love people.

Look at that.

I've never seen her so happy