Original subtitles

You know I'm not one to beat around the bush.

Unless, of course, you're in it.

So I'll make this fast.

Like you know any other way.

I'm planning a get-together for the guys and you're going to help me.

Oh, God, Al. Didn't I just get all dressed up...

...so I could go to some tired party and impress your friends?

That was the senior prom, Peg.

And you were only in your dress for 20 minutes.

Now, there's a big wrestling show on cable Saturday night.

-Is it pay-per-view? -No.

It is now.

Oh, come on, Peg. You want me to look stupid in front of my friends?

The same friends who use Silly Putty to give Nancy and Sluggo hooters?

Well, at least those hooters are fun to play with.

Look, Al, it's not like I don't want to help you, but I'm very busy.

You think I just sit here all day long?

No, no, Peg. No.

From the potholes in the couch, I'd say you sit here, and you sit here.

I don't sit there, that's where I put my food.

Caramel corn on the cob.

Needs more butter.

Today on Oprah, a clean house is a safe house.

Yeah, right.

I'm home.

Oh, Peg, don't-- Don't get up.

What's that? A beer? Sounds good.

No, let me get it.

Way to home-make, Peg.

What am I complaining about? There's food and her mouth is shut.

For future reference, the next time a producer asks you...

...what your method is, please don't say the sponge.

Well, at least my form of birth control isn't Miss Piggy sheets.

-I do not use Miss Piggy sheets. -Yes, you do.

Kids, kids. Keep it down. Keep it down. Your mother needs her rest.

The house is a mess, and the family's starving.

Her work here is done.

Dad, Mom doesn't look so good.

You should see her without her mask.

Look at this TV Guide. The last chocolate stain was at 3:00 today.

She's obviously been unconscious for hours.

Hey, and look. There's a dent on the coffee table like--

Like it's been hit by a big, hard hairdo.

Listen, Nancy Drool and Hardly Boy...

...it's impossible for your mother to have fallen.

That would mean that at some point, she would have to have been standing.

Mom stands. I saw her the other day.

That was just to shake the crumbs out of her cleavage.

Dad, look, a bonbon stain.

Mom must have slipped on one.

I got it.

Nice try, punk.

Hey, Mom needs one of those guys.

The ones that make you take your clothes off when you go to their office.

Principal?

Your mother doesn't need a doctor. She's breathing. She's fine.

Now relax and let Daddy enjoy his weekend.

Oh, my God.

Damn.

Am I in hell?

No, if you were in hell, you'd be on a throne...

...and the devil would be packing.

Who are you people? I don't recognize you at all.

Well, in that case, thanks for stopping by. See you soon.

Hey, I don't even know who I am. I don't know anything.

Only thing you have to know is Route 55...

...is the quickest way out of town.

Oh, my God. Mom has Indonesia.

Now, now, Kelly, don't bother the nice lady.

She's just on her way out.

-Where am I going? -You're going to see your family.

They must miss you. You seem like a very nice person.

-Have a nice life. -Oh, no. Now Dad's got it.

No, no. We are your family.

See, I'm your daughter, Kelly...

...and this is your son, Quasimodo.

Speaking of humps...

...why don't we tell Mommy your nickname?

The Little Fur Maid.

You know, I don't remember any of you.

But if you say you're my family, I guess it's true.

Why would we lie about something the courts have ruled on repeatedly?

Feeling better, Mom?

Well, Quasi, my head kind of hurts...

...and I'm starving.

Aren't you guys hungry?

You know we're hungry.

Well, why don't I make some dinner then?

Mom's cooking? I'm going to call the doctor.

Touch that phone, I'll kill you.

Kids, now that we've retrained Mommy...

...I've come up with a schedule to maximize her productivity.

There are three of us.

Mommy can only work 24 hours a day.

Why?

There are two of us.

So let's divide this up evenly.

I get Mommy for 23 hours.

You get her for one.

Well, that's not fair.

I-- I love Mommy more.

No, I love Mommy more.

But I'm the only one who had to love Mommy.

There's not even time for Mom to go to bed.

Now you see the brilliance of my schedule.

Hey, you guys have got to see how clean Mom got the bathroom upstairs.

Did you know that there's a window above the sink?

Kell, there's-- There's no window in the bathroom.

Yes, there is.

It looks into the house next door.

You know, there's this girl there who looks exactly like me.

Every time I look over there, she's always staring at me.

Maybe she's a lesbian.

Maybe she's an idiot.

She does kind of have this really stupid look on her face.

Come on. I'll show you. I hope she's home. Come on.

Hi, Al. I got all the stuff for your wrestling party.

Oh, except those special French fries that you love.

I thought I'd just crinkle-cut them myself. Is that okay?

Well, I'll let it slide, Peg, since you're still recovering.

You know, I am a little tired.

Are you sure that I don't sleep at all?

-Ever? -It's odd, isn't it?

Well...

...there's just so much to relearn.

Let's see, I think I've got it though. I love housekeeping.

I hate shopping, except for groceries...

...and I can't stand that stupid Oprah Winfrey Show.

Very good, honey. Now, there's just one more thing.

You hate sex.

Don't want it. Have no use for it.

I know it's tragic, but I've learned to live with it many years ago.

That's why you have to go to the Jiggly Room.

That's it.

-To spare you. -Al, you are such a good husband.

You have been so patient with me. And I got you a copy of Big 'Uns.

I cut out all the articles, so they won't slow you down.

Oh, baby, you're the greatest.

How does she get them so crinkolicious?

I could really learn to love that woman.

Hey, Daddy.

You-- You might not remember this...

...but before your accident...

...you had promised me a new car.

Pumpkin, you might not remember this...

...but Mommy is the vegetable in the family.

Oh, right.

Well, the other one.

Pumpkin, can you see who's at that door?

No.

Maybe I need glasses.

Okay, Al.

I'm here.

Hey, hey, hey, do I smell...

...food?

Jefferson, my man, I got more food stuck in my teeth...

...than my colon's seen in many a year.

Thanks for sharing that, Al.

Oh, I'm not sharing it.

You-- You seem happy, Al.

It's a miracle, buddy. Behold.

Oh, Peg.

Excuse me, while I just rinse out these gloves.

You know, considering what a good housekeeper I am...

...that shower drain was just filthy.

There's a drain?

What's going on?

Head injury, amnesia, reprogramming, crinkle fries. Don't tell Marcy.

Oh, Peg, this is our next-door neighbor, Jefferson.

Oh, the free-loading gigolo.

Would you like to try some bologna I made from scratch?

It's part of the cavalcade of cold cuts I'll be serving at Al's wrestling party.

Hey, is that radish carved in the shape of Hulk Hogan?

Well, nothing's too good for my Al.

Speaking of that, I'm about to do another load of underwear.

Did you give me all your yellows?

Sure did, honey.

Hey, where do I have to hit Marcy to make her like that?

Just hit her a new place every day.

Jefferson...

...you worthless cabana boy.

I told you six times to wash the Mercedes and it's still filthy.

Is that pine freshness?

Hey, my shoes aren't sticking.

What's going on?

-Is someone else here? -No, not really, Peg.

I was just-- Just tipping the paperboy. Thank you, sonny.

Now, don't be rude, Al.

Perhaps the paperboy would like some homemade peach cobbler.

Okay.

I know I'm not in a parallel universe because Jefferson would be working...

...and Al's fly would be zipped.

So, what the hell is going on?

Oh, well, it's very simple.

I bumped my head, and now my loving husband Al...

...is helping me to regain my former personality.

-Really? -Here we go.

Al, you monster.

Look, I can't let this happen. There's something you have to know.

Yes, there is. I forgot to tell you that among other things...

...you love to wash and detail cars, especially Mercedes.

Right, Marcy?

Right.

Oh, Peggy, you don't have to do that. Chamois lint.

Sorry. Oh, and I'm sorry I didn't finish re-glazing your bathtub.

I'll do it when you're sleeping.

Do you sleep? Because Al says good women don't.

Oh, I can't stand this another minute. Look, Peggy...

...Al has brainwashed you.

You are not cheerful, tidy and hard-working.

You are rude, mean and sloppy.

You're a horrible wife, a worse mother, and proud of it.

I beg your pardon?

Peggy. And I say this with love.

You're the laziest bitch in Chicago.

And you are a bitter woman, Marcy D'Arcy.

You see my loving, picture-perfect family...

...and suddenly, your pretty boy husband and foreign car...

...don't seem so spiffy, do they?

Well, your jealous lies aren't going to get to Mrs. Al Bundy. Good day.

Peggy, wait.

And for future reference, my Al prefers his paper on the porch...

...not in the bushes.

Remember that, or we'll tell your supervisor.

Hey, nice job peeling these grapes, Peg.

Al, I have been lied to and manipulated.

I can explain, Peg.

I can't believe what Marcy just said.

How can anybody be so vicious and cruel?

She lies, Peg. She lies.

I know, Al. She's trying to tear apart our happy family.

You know, I think she wants you.

She has been stalking me, Peg.

You may have to kill her. There's a chain saw in the garage.

Oh, Al, I'm so mad.

I'm just so mad I could bake.

May I suggest...

...pudding in a cloud?

Eat up, boys. The little woman's bringing plenty more.

So you finally dumped Peg, huh?

Better. I tamed the shrew.

Welcome, everyone.

What's wrong?

Do I need to freshen the weenie tots?

Oh, no, no, no. Everything's great, honey.

Yeah. It sure is, Peg.

Say, how did you get these margaritas so frothy?

Well, I have this battery-operated cocktail stirrer.

I found it in my nightstand.

Here we go.

Wow, look what happened to Marcy.

I don't know what you guys are doing, but please come do it to my wife.

This isn't Marcy. This is Sally. She's going to be our ring girl.

What is going on here?

Al, I hate to accuse you of this...

...but did you sleep with Peggy?

Are you crazy? That would violate our first commandment.

Thou shall never covet thy own wife.

Oh, hey, hey, the undercard's starting, everybody.

Here we go. Oh, yes, yes.

I think you better rearrange those.

-How's that? -Oh, better. Much, much better.

Oh, Al.

-She's every man's fantasy, huh? -She sure is.

Hey, Peg.

-What are you doing? -Greasing my muffin tins.

Hey, can I grease a couple?

Thanks, honey. But, you know...

...you have to spread them just right or they won't rise.

Well, that's not going to be a problem.

Come on, Al.

Fat Snoopy Schwartz just bit the nobs off the human trash compactor.

Boy, you sure know your way around a rolling pin.

Oh, it's easy, Al.

You just grab it with both hands...

...and go back and forth, back and forth.

Peg. You're driving me crazy. Let's go upstairs.

Oh, Al, you're terrible. We're hosting a party.

Besides, you told me that I don't like sex.

I'll make it quick.

Wow, you just got out of prison?

That means you haven't had sex for a long time.

Nothing that I care to discuss.

-Oh, Al. -Oh, yes.

Oh, yuck.

-Oh, Al. -Oh, yes.

Oh, Al.

Oh, Al.

Don't move.

She's back. Grab your weenie tots and run for your lives.

I'm gonna kill you.

How could you brainwash me?

I can't believe I've actually cooked, and cleaned, and crinkled.

Al Bundy, I feel so violated.

Al-- Al Bundy? Is that my name?

Who are you?

Gosh, you're a pretty woman.

Nice try, Al.

There is only one punishment severe enough for you.

No smiley face on my omelet tomorrow?

No omelet, just toast?

No toast at all?

Upstairs.

Why, Peg, why?

-There's no-- There's no food upstairs. -Oh, don't worry, Al.

When I'm done with you, you won't have any appetite at all.

I know.

Don't go away. We'll be right back.

Hey, Bud, I'd like you to meet the girl next door.