Original subtitles

Dear Lord...

...I know we haven't talked to you since the 4th of July blowout sale...

...but with three more shopping days until Christmas...

...we ask you to protect us...

...as we stare into the valley of the shadow of thighs.

-Amen. -Amen.

Can let go of my hand now, Griff.

Do I have to?

Sorry.

All right.

Let's unlock and load.

Help me. Easy. Easy. Easy.

Don't take it. No--

I love Christmas. Keep them coming, kids.

Oh, could you pass down some butter?

-Mom. -You're not supposed to eat it.

Oh, honey.

-How was work? -Oh, swell, Peg.

You wanna give me a little hand here?

Say, looks like my size.

Where's the other one?

You don't want to know.

God, I hate Christmas.

Then I guess this wouldn't be the best time to ask about a tree.

Now, why would I want something that just sits in the living room...

...and takes up electricity? I have you for that.

Come on, Daddy. We want a Christmas tree.

Yeah. Yeah, and I'm not letting you hang ornaments...

...on me again this year either.

Do Bundy traditions mean nothing to you people?

So you got a little rash from the tinsel.

You were beautiful, son.

Oh, no.

Merry Christmas, all. I just made some Christmas cookies.

Hey, now, give me those.

You ate my sleeve.

Button.

Well, I just came by to tell you...

...that this year, I am finally going to win...

...the neighborhood decorating contest.

What, are you gonna stand out front and be the Little Drummer Boy?

No, Stench Who Stole Christmas.

I have imported a hand-carved nativity scene from Bavaria.

Cost me 5 grand.

Don't you think that money would be better spent on a needy family?

You know, like us?

Just 25 cents a day would make a world of difference...

...in this little boy's life.

Forget it. My holy family is going to kick every Yuletide ass on the block.

Now, that's some Christmas spirit.

You know, maybe we ought to have some traditions around here.

-What, Peg, like Christmas dinner? -Oh, no.

That's been done to death.

You know, I saw a gingerbread house on Oprah today.

Maybe I ought to make one of those.

Does she know that would require baking?

Not to mention standing up.

I'll show you guys.

I'm going in this kitchen right now and I'm gonna start baking.

All right. Now, just tell me which one of these things is the oven?

Tough day, huh, Griff?

-Griff? -Well, it's a shame the toes don't fit.

Merry Christmas, jingle boobs.

To stop your whining...

...I've got you some holiday help.

Boys. Al, Griff, meet Hal, Biff.

Do they remind you of anyone?

Hootie and One Blowfish?

Okay, teach them everything you know.

And when those five minutes are up, get this place straightened up.

Let's huddle.

Hey, I said huddle, not cuddle.

I'm sorry. Holidays are a lonely time for me.

All right. Listen, we've got two young, eager boys hanging around us.

-You know what that makes us? -Michael Jackson?

No! Management.

And you know what management does?

Takes long lunches and leaves early?

Exactly.

We've trained our whole lives for this.

-Smells good in here. -Oh, a gingerbread house.

Oh, no, no. That's not for eating.

This is what you call decorative.

Oh, that's great.

The first time you cook something, and you won't let us eat it.

Hey, Mom, there's a big crack in it.

Well, yeah. That's because it's our house.

You see that cotton candy?

That's asbestos.

Hey, that's cool. Can I help?

Well, sure. Why don't you separate these eggs.

Peggy, oh, my God. Something horrible has happened.

Mary and Joseph have been kidnapped...

...from our nativity scene.

Have you guys seen anything?

-No, nothing. -No, I haven't seen anything.

Well, they pinned this note on the donkey.

Pay us $500, or it's drapes for the holy family.

It's curtains.

That's what they meant. Curtains.

Well, it sounds like they mean business.

-Are you gonna pay? -Well, of course we're gonna pay.

-But first we're gonna call the cops. -No. No cops!

I mean, you don't wanna risk it.

Kidnappers don't like it when you call the cops.

I'm sure they forgot to put that in the note.

Bud, Kelly.

-Yeah? -What?

Will you help us put these up around the neighborhood?

Here are your burgers, sir.

They're still warm.

-Well done. -Thank you, sir.

I said I wanted them well done.

Damn public school system.

You see, this is exactly why I don't pay taxes.

So, Bundy, how are your protégés doing?

Well, they're still slightly inflamed...

...but the new employees are doing well.

Good. You two are fired.

What? What did we do?

It's what you didn't do. Will you look at this?

These two kids have done more work in the last three days...

...than you've done in 25 years.

Well, I pace myself.

-Hal, Biff, you're in charge now. -Oh, okay.

Fine. You want us out of here? Fine. Let's go, Griff.

There's gotta be other jobs out there that pay a lot more than this.

Okay, now, remember, we don't want them to recognize you.

What, do you think I'm an idiot, Bud? God.

Hello?

If you ever want to see Mary and Joseph alive again...

...drop $500...

...outside the ooz at 9:00.

That's the zoo at 6:00, you moron.

That's the zoo at 6:00, you moron.

Okay. We'll do it, but how do we know you haven't hurt them?

Tell them to put the statues on the phone.

Good idea. Put the statues on the-- You idiot.

-We're rich, Bud. We're rich! -What?

This is gonna be the best Christmas ever.

Oh, I knew you kids would get the Christmas spirit.

Hi, Mom. I thought you finished our gingerbread house.

Well, I did.

But I had so much fun that I decided to bake the whole neighborhood.

That-- This is incredible.

Hey, look. There's old man Maginty's house.

You even got the telescope he uses to watch me shower.

Mom, what are those two marshmallows...

...in your bedroom window?

Oh, well, that's Daddy mooning the D'Arcys.

Bless you.

You know, I'm tired of looking out for the cops.

I wanna get down to that mall employment office. Wanna come?

No, I'm fine. I've got some money put away.

What kind of job you gonna find on Christmas Eve?

Whatever kind of job it is, it can't be any more humiliating than this.

Hey, mister, are you Santa?

Do I look like Santa?

Well, you're fat.

Well, you're walking.

Al, is that you?

Man, you make one ugly hobbit.

I happen to be the elfineer.

-At least I got a job. -Well, I got a job.

I thought you had money put away.

Well, I did, but then I got a corn dog and a kiddie coke...

...and there went my nest egg.

Well, what kind of job you doing?

I got an executive position in the overnight-delivery business.

Hey, Blitzen, get your tail back over to the sled.

Hi, I'm Prancer.

No kidding.

Come on, Blitzen. It's time to get into our harness.

What kind of reindeer games you playing over there, Griff?

One more crack out of you and I'll kick your curly-toed butt.

Well, now, Griff, don't be bitter just because my job's better than yours.

Mister...

...I don't feel so good.

Son, son, I'm an elf, not a doctor.

This is all your fault.

What were you doing sticking the statues out the car window?

Well, what were you doing driving through a tunnel?

I don't know what the big deal is, Bud.

You don't know what the big deal is?

We beheaded Mary and Joseph.

We're going to jail. We're going to hell.

Now, this is what we're gonna do, see?

Now, we're sticking to our story, see?

We don't know nothing about no holy family, see?

Well, we'll do time.

No one's sending me up the river on no nativity rap.

See?

Oh, my God.

Now, keep your yapper shut.

We waited for over an hour in the snow...

...and those creeps didn't show.

It's-- It's just a contest. You still have Christmas.

To hell with Christmas. I wanna win.

You see this money?

This is the closest those kidnappers are gonna to get to it.

I'm gonna hunt that scum down if it takes every last cent she has.

I'm sure they're very, very sorry.

No.

They'll be sorry, all right.

Because when we find them, I'll tear out their fingernails.

Rip their guts out.

And skin them alive.

We did it.

It was us.

It was her!

You're not pinning this one on me, rat boy.

You stole our statues?

Hey, now, now, now, calm down, sister.

-We still got your lousy statues. -Good.

Because if so much as one hair is missing from their heads--

They don't have any heads.

I can't believe these don't come in a lower heel.

Oh, they will. Just stand up on them.

Hey, look. It's Santa's village idiot. What are you doing here?

I have to use the bathroom, punk.

Don't they have one on the train?

Oh, sure. You guys think you're funny, don't you?

Well, let me tell you something. You're looking at your futures.

I don't think so, elf boy.

-This is just a-- -Temporary job.

-Yeah, because we're gonna go to-- -College.

You got a girlfriend? I'll bet it's a redhead.

How did you know that?

Lucky guess.

Congratulations, boys, you've peaked.

You're gonna slave away here day in, day out, year in, year out.

Until one day you'll be close to 50...

...and you'll be an elf driving a choo-choo.

Oh, my God. What if he's right?

-We gotta get out of here. -Come on.

What?

-We quit, lady. -We quit, lady.

What? Wait!

Ladies, please, please.

-Bundy, I gotta talk to you. -What? You want to rub it in?

Well, that's fine, because firing me was the best thing you could've done.

Because I have a better job now, with more responsibility and a big hat too.

So you can take your shoe-store job and shove it...

...because I have something that's even more important:

My self-respect.

-You can have your job back. -Thank you.

Excuse me. We've all been waiting forever.

-But first, a few demands. -Anything. Just get back to work.

All right. I want you to give Griff his job back.

Although he's a proud man, he may not take it.

I'll take it.

-What else, more money? -Hey, I'm making the demands here.

I also want...

...more money.

And that tree.

No more money.

You can have the tree after Christmas.

No, no!

Before Christmas.

I'm going to put my foot down.

You drive a hard bargain for a Smurf.

He's an elf.

That's ex-elf.

Damn, it's cold.

I'm freezing my frankincense off.

This is all your fault, "mistletoad."

-Mom, please make her let us go. -No.

What you did was wrong.

You had no intention of sharing that ransom money with me.

-Here come the judges. -Merry Christmas, D'Arcys.

I see you've outspent yourselves as usual.

It is a beautiful display, though.

So lifelike.

Yes, but Mary looks a bit trampy.

Well, I hate to say it, but I think we may have a winner.

Yes, I won. I won!

Oh, I bought the spirit of Christmas.

I think she means she brought the spirit of Christmas.

Oh, yes, to you lovely people.

Wait a minute.

Look at the Bundys' window.

Is that our neighborhood?

I made it myself out of gingerbread.

Look, Marge, isn't that your father with his telescope?

Congratulations, Mrs. Bundy. Here's your trophy.

And a hundred dollars.

Well, thanks.

You know, I haven't won anything since I was Miss Teenage Wanker.

And you get second prize, a fruitcake.

Shove the fruitcake, you bitch.

We'll take it.

Yeah, we love fruitcake.

This special report just in.

Hundreds of people are flocking to the Dan Ryan tunnel...

...to see a Christmas miracle.

Witnesses are saying that the heads of Joseph and the Virgin Mary...

...appear to be embedded in the tunnel wall.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, Al, you got a tree.

Oh, Daddy, and before Christmas.

-Oh, honey, how was your day? -Oh, same old thing, Peg.

Started out in the shoe store, you know, ended up in the shoe store.

You know, this is the best Christmas ever.

We got a tree and I won the neighborhood decorating contest.

And I-- I still have nine toes.

Eight.

Merry Christmas.