Original subtitles

Hey, Al, have you seen my curling iron?

Now, Peg, think.

Why would I take something that makes you look better?

Now, stop bothering me. I'm on vacation.

You know, that one week out of the year I get to sit on my butt...

...allowing yours to experience light and air.

You know, honey, what we need to do is take a family vacation.

Don't you want your kids to have at least one happy memory...

...besides your funeral?

Peg, you gonna bury me when I'm dead?

Dead, napping, not looking.

Once again...

...I have to deliver your mail...

...just because the mailman is afraid of getting attacked.

Our dog doesn't bite.

It's not the dog he's afraid of.

Oh, Peg, not again.

We just got the pizza boy to drop the charges.

Oh, look, my travel brochure came.

Why would you send away for a travel brochure?

You know I never take you anywhere.

Al, I wanna go to Branson, Missouri...

...entertainment capital of Missouri.

Peg, I can't take you on a vacation now...

...because Larry, there, would miss us.

That's Lucky.

And I'd be happy to feed him.

To what?

Do you think that if I could afford a family vacation...

...I would take this family?

Come try our vein-clogging...

...heart-stopping, all-fried buffet.

All-fried?

Even the lettuce?

Oh, but look, Al, I guess we can't go.

The rooms only have twin beds.

Peg, saddle up, lasso the young'uns, we're Branson-bound.

Yeah.

I told you we'd make it to Branson on less than a gallon of gas.

Oh, please.

You chained our car to the back of a Greyhound bus.

Dad, why can't we just have suitcases like normal people?

Well, we did, till the handles came off those detergent boxes.

Howdy. Welcome to the Deliverance Inn.

You'll squeal like a pig at our hospitality.

Especially you.

We're on a family vacation...

...and we want the best accommodations 20 bucks...

...and these aluminum cans will buy.

May I suggest the Ned Beatty suite?

There's a back door.

Dad, I wanna go home now.

What do you mean, you wanna go home? It's great here.

We've only been here 10 minutes, you made a new friend.

We'll take it. Where's my wallet?

Howdy, y'all.

Oh, God, the gift shops.

Al, it is worth all your money.

The salesgirl says it's a Bransonie original.

One of a kind.

Now, what are we gonna do?

First, thank your mother for finding a new way to ruin our lives.

Thanks, Mom.

And second, this vacation is over.

Now, help me push the car back to the bus station.

When does the next bus to Chicago leave?

Tomorrow.

Which means you can join us for our complimentary canoe trip.

I can't believe they didn't lock their door.

Would you lock a landfill?

Oh, poor Lucky.

Look, he's so hungry, he's chewing on one of Peggy's bras.

Yeah, well, he's probably looking for crumbs.

Well, Jefferson, let's go home.

It's Saturday night, and you know what that means.

The Romanian coach and the limping gymnast?

We did that last week.

Hey, hey, how about Woody and Soon-Yi?

-Too much talking. -Yeah.

I wanna do something really different.

Something dirty...

...and trashy...

...and cheap.

Peg.

I'm home.

Hi, Al.

Gee, where's dinner?

Working its way through my small intestine.

I'm surprised any part of your body is willing to work.

Whoever thought being them could be so much fun?

Al.

I want you to come upstairs...

...and try to last longer than a new Fox sitcom.

Peg, I don't want to.

Who cares what you want?

Pleasure me, shoe drone.

Okay. I got some more pennies, Dad.

Forget the pennies, go for the quarters.

There's a silver dollar out there.

Go on out there and get it, Bud.

-Go out there and get it. -Dad, I'm drowning!

You big baby.

Brain damage doesn't set in for four minutes. Ask your sister.

What kind of idiots would throw good money into a fountain?

I hope we meet somebody really famous...

...like Tammy Wynette.

Spit out the fish. Spit it up.

Either we all eat or none of us eat.

I can't breathe.

I know CPR.

Dollar ninety-eight...

...dollar ninety-nine.

Gentlemen, start your fryers, I'm buffet-bound.

Hey. Hey, you.

Mama, I'm hungry now.

Well, get out your snack, dumpling.

Haven't you ever heard of sugarless gum?

Oh, no, Mama says that's the devil's candy.

Sorry, folks, we're closed.

What do you mean you're closed? You let them in.

And now we've reached our weight limit.

Oh, Peg, I'm starving. This is just like being at home but with fringe.

Oh, now, Al, so we don't get to eat.

I mean, this is Branson. I'm sure we can find something else fun to do.

Like what? Like sneaking into Hicks on Ice?

Where are we gonna sleep tonight?

I'm cold, I'm soaked.

The desk clerk just offered to blow-dry me.

Well, you guys are on your own. I'm covered.

Sweetheart, I'm surprised at you.

Where have you been?

Come on, Daddy, I'm not that kind of girl.

I was just gonna slip them a Mickey and roll them.

That's my pumpkin.

Hey, now, wait a minute. Nobody's rolling anybody.

We're on vacation.

Look, they're having a country music talent contest tonight.

Yeah, and the first prize is $500.

-Why don't we enter? -Because we don't have any talent.

Dad, what are you talking about?

Bud, here, does a solo act every night.

Although he hasn't won a contest for it since the Cub Scouts, but....

Hey, Al, this talent show could save our vacation.

We don't know anything about country music.

We're just poor, simple folk...

...with busted dreams and a broken Dodge...

...driving down the turnpike of tears.

Let's have a hand for our last entry.

A new mother and daughter singing sensation, the Juggs.

Well, pickle my eggs. We got us a winner.

-The Juggs. -We won, we won.

They won, they won.

Three, four, five hundred dollars.

Actually, I handle the Juggs. I'm Pa Jugg.

I-- I created the Juggs.

Hey, Jughead, I had to sleep with these jugs to create that jug.

Not only are you gonna open for Tammy Wynette tomorrow night...

...in the big room, but if she takes a shine to you...

...she'll take you on her next world tour.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I always wanted to drive to Europe.

Oh, my God.

And I'm gonna make millions and see the Great Mall of China.

I'll audition the backup singers and learn to say...

..."Can we try it topless?" in 40 different languages.

Hey, in Japanese it's:

Al.

-Get me some bonbons. -Get them yourself.

-Pathetic loser. -Human tar pit.

Take me.

Oh, I finally understand why they're still married.

Yeah. Okay, I think we've hit all the Bundy basics.

-What's left? -Well...

...we haven't let the dog detail the D'Arcy's Mercedes lately.

Let's do it. Who's gonna stop us?

That candy-ass Jefferson?

Or Marcy, that pinstriped henpecker.

Do you ever wonder why that lazy parasite, Jefferson...

...can never hold down a job?

Other than being Marcy's human rotisserie, and trust me...

...whatever she's paying him, it's not enough.

Jefferson, you went past the safe place.

Oh, I'm sorry, lambykins.

You're so good at this, I got carried away.

-So you were just role-playing? -Of course.

Get away from me, Peg.

You hopeless Oprah-holic.

-Oh, Al. -Peg--

Oh, Peg.

There's my little musical meal ticket.

Now, look what I had made up for you.

They're great, Daddy.

Compliments of Ms. Tammy Wynette.

You know, Al, I'm so excited about going on tour...

...but I hate the thought of leaving you at home for a year.

Your career comes first, pooky. I don't mind sacrificing.

Mom, Kelly...

...Tom Arnold.

Hey, he earned his money.

I, as your agent, your creator, the sole reason you exist...

...would like to present to you your future.

Oh, my God.

Ninety-nine cent shrimp cocktails.

Hey, what's the big deal? Anybody can put up a sign.

I got your name mentioned in the Branson Bugle.

Let me see this.

This is so low.

You're both six months pregnant by Billy Ray Cyrus.

Really? Well, then how come Mom's showing and I'm not?

I am not showing.

And you're grounded.

Calm down, Mom. It's bad for the baby.

Hello?

Kelly, you're not really pregnant.

We squeaked by that one, hey, Mom?

Bud, you got that sign all wrong.

I shouldn't be your mother.

That's what child welfare said.

Why can't Kelly be the mom?

I can't be your mother.

I mean, that would make me my own grandmother.

Well, we are in Branson. These things happen.

Why are you taking her side?

Now, you told me I was the talented, pretty one.

Hey, and you told me that that stupid, cheap blond was holding me back.

Wait, you added a stupid, cheap blond to the act?

Why wasn't I told? Hello.

Now, see, that's the reason why you shouldn't be the manager.

You are driving a wedge between the Juggs.

You're fired.

You can't fire me.

Only they can fire me.

-You're fired. -You're fired.

Fine. And you know what?

You can go on the road with them, Dad.

You see, it's bad ideas like that got you fired.

I'm Tammy Wynette, and I wanted to stop by and meet my new opening act.

Hi.

Which Jugg are you?

She's the junior Jugg.

And she's the Jurassic Jugg.

Now, girls, girls, girls.

I'm Colonel Jugg...

...and it's a thrill to meet you, Ms. Wynette.

Oh, yeah. We just love your music.

As a matter of fact, Al and I can't make love without listening to your CD.

As long as you're listening.

Well, she listens. I stare at your picture.

I'm delighted and disgusted at the same time.

Well, now you know what sex with Al is like.

I think it would be cute to have a mother and daughter duo...

...to open up my show.

Well, you know, actually, we're more like a sister act.

Oh, you do comedy too?

Colonel, handle this.

Hey, you guys, I have an idea.

Ms. Wynette can be our mother.

-Yeah. -No, I can't.

You don't have to decide right now.

Take them on the road for a year. Give them a try, free of charge.

Hey, what kind of manager are you?

Yeah, Daddy.

You're fired. Bud, handle this.

Tammy, babe.

Let me put it to you this way.

You give my girls your best shot...

...and I'll give you my best shot.

But I thought you were dating the desk clerk.

I read it in the Branson Bugle.

Damn you, Dad.

Tammy, the colonel has a better idea. Why don't you just take me?

I can't dance, sing, or play an instrument, but how tough can that be?

Besides, I look great in this outfit.

Forget it, forget it. The deal's off.

Oh, Lord, save me from the wannabes.

Now, you can call us a lot of things.

You can call us worthless, lazy, sloppy-- And that's just the wife.

Right.

But the one thing you can't call us is wannabes.

We may not be big country superstars...

...with a big fancy house or a car that runs or food or....

Oh, my God, we don't have anything.

Not true, son.

Lady, we have something that you'll never have.

What? Worse foot odor than Boxcar Willie?

Okay two things. The odor, of course...

...but more importantly, the security of knowing...

...that we can never fail because we never try.

You people are nuttier than a pecan log at Stuckey's.

Now what do we do?

I suppose you're going to blame this on me.

Excuse me, folks.

Seeing as how you're no longer on Miss Wynette's tab...

...how do you propose to settle this bill?

Great vacation, Peg.

The highlight had to be begging for gas on the corner...

...of Tony Orlando and Dawn.

Quit complaining.

At least you didn't have to take a canoe trip with the desk clerk.

By the way, Bud, I gave him our address.

Well, he said he wanted to write you.

Well, as soon as someone learns him his letters.

You know, I thought it was great vacation.

I mean, we went to Branson and told off Tammy Wynette.

It's kind of like going to Disneyland and giving Mickey the finger.

Al.

Get back here. We're not finished yet.

Yes, we are.

Hi.

What you doing?

Oh, it's...

...just a long, boring story.

Does it end with, "We're degenerate perverts"?

Oh, so you've heard this one. Bye.

Hey, Mom, Dad, wait up. Wait--

Kelly!