Original subtitles

You know, Peg, I hate to be a needy husband...

...a demanding husband, and your husband...

...but where the hell is my Thanksgiving pie tin?

Why don't you check under the couch where I keep the other dirty dishes?

Once again, Peg, way to homemake.

You see, now, I can't quite reach.

Well, here.

You wanna try my bonbon retriever?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I got something.

Hey, it's from Bud's nursery school.

He failed his T.B. test, Peg.

I told him to study.

Damn cough. I just can't shake it.

Happy Thanksgiving, all.

Vacuuming for lost hair, Al?

Why don't you take your shriveled-up gourds on out of here?

And your cornucopia too.

Wow, corn. Thanks, Mrs. D'Arcy.

Those are shellacked, you aphid.

Peggy, aren't you gonna cook a turkey for your family this Thanksgiving?

You expect me to cook on a holiday?

Homemaking a job too, you know.

Why don't you apply for it, Peg?

Hey, I found it.

Oh, good. Now you can put that metal plate back in your head.

Although, that's a lot like putting a lid on an empty jar.

Or a bra on you.

This pie tin is worth 25 cents...

...towards one of Aunt Maddie's famous sweet potato pies.

If she's so famous, how come I haven't heard of her?

I don't know. Maybe because she doesn't make chicken pies.

Please don't get him started on Aunt Maddie.

Bud, unlike the happy childhood we provided for you...

...I didn't have such a fortunate upbringing.

Oh, well, I'm sure Mr. and Mrs. Sasquatch did their best.

But we did have one holiday tradition that we cherished.

Mom would serve Dad the traditional Wild Turkey...

...and then chug the rest of the bottle.

We'd weave on down to Aunt Maddie's and pick up a sweet potato pie...

...then go back home, the folks would pass out...

...and I'd have me that sweet potato pie all to myself.

Sort of makes you all warm and fuzzy inside, doesn't it?

That's what Mom said about that Wild Turkey.

Yeah. Shake it, baby.

Oh, hey, that Miss Piggy is always a hit in the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

And, kids, looks who's coming up: Betty Boop.

Oh, she's fine.

Oh, Bud.

I'm a dead man. I couldn't get the turkey.

Marcy's gonna kill me.

Whoa, check out Betty Boop.

Those have gotta be fake.

That's nothing. Miss Piggy's dress got caught on a traffic light.

I saw everything.

Everything.

Oh, the parade.

Hey, when did they get a Rush Limbaugh balloon?

No, Mom. That-- That is Rush Limbaugh.

Peggy. Peggy, help.

Look, Thanksgiving is Marcy's favorite holiday.

If I ruin it, she's gonna cut off my giblets.

I thought she did that a long time ago.

Will you sell me your turkey?

Well, I'd give him to you, but he's out getting pie.

I'm dead. There's not a single turkey left in all of Chicago.

Hey, you guys.

Look at this fat chicken that followed me home.

I'm gonna name him Hank.

Hello. Hello.

Aunt Maddie, open up.

Hey, Al, they're closed.

Says there's been a death in the family.

Oh, God, no. Does that mean no pie this Thanksgiving?

Can I help you folks?

Yeah, I need to find Aunt Maddie. You know where she is?

-Oh, she's down at the church, son. -And where is that?

Now, you go down to the end of the block and you make a right.

Go past the barber shop, and you take your first right.

Go another block, make another right...

...then one more right, and it's on your right.

Well, wouldn't it be easier just to cross the street?

Sure. But I need a ride to the barber shop.

How you doing?

Turkey on Thanksgiving.

This could catch on.

Kelly.

Look at the--

Look at the nice bed we made for Hank.

Listen, honey, when he's all snuggled in...

...we'll kiss him goodbye.

I meant, good night.

And then we're gonna put him into his little house.

Well, I don't know if he's gonna like it. Hank's afraid of the dark.

Oh, but see, if I turn this little dial...

...his house fills up with a pretty blue light.

Yeah, and-- And he'll be real comfy sleeping on these bread crumbs.

And, honey, I made him a blanket.

Wait a minute.

I know what you guys are trying to do.

You're trying to get Hank to like you more than me.

Well, I am sorry. We're too smart to fall for that.

All right, this is what we're gonna do.

I'll distract her, while you snap the neck.

Couldn't you snap her neck?

I mean, after all, she is my sister. I--

Kelly, honey, I'm getting a little concerned.

Yeah, you're getting very attached to Hank...

...and the life span of a turkey is very short.

Especially this time of year.

Kelly, what are you doing? These are my pants.

I know, but you and Hank are about the same size.

What--? What are you doing with your hands around Hank's neck?

Just checking his pulse.

He doesn't look too good.

Could be turkey pox.

Maybe we should check his temperature with this.

Yeah.

But first, we better take off his feathers and examine him.

Wait a minute.

I know what you guys are up to.

You just wanna see Hank naked. God.

Excuse me. I'm--

I'm looking for Aunt Maddie.

Here she comes now.

I don't know how I can live without the warmth and sweetness.

We're all gonna miss her.

That unforgettable, spicy flavor...

...and buttery bottom.

Good Lord, is he talking about Aunt Maddie?

I think Aunt Maddie had jungle fever with this man.

So...

...you come here often?

Do you mind? I'm overwhelmed with grief.

Well, how would you like to be overwhelmed by Griff?

Gentlemen, excuse me. I don't believe we've met.

I'm James Brown, Aunt Maddie's nephew.

-Aren't you that guy on TV? -The host of NFL on Fox?

Why, yes, I am. But you know, I also cover hockey.

Yeah, but who cares about that?

So you knew my Aunt Maddie?

I have very fond memories of your aunt.

My mother and father use to take me to her pie store every Thanksgiving.

I'd try to steal a cookie and she'd slap me upside the head.

Then she'd give me a cookie anyway. She was a wonderful woman.

Wait a minute. Don't tell me you're Al Bundy?

-Yeah, did she talk about me? -Oh, my goodness. All the time.

As a matter of fact, I'm where I am today because of you.

Really?

Yeah. I can hear her now. She used to always say:

"James, do your homework or you'll wind up like Al Bundy."

Yeah, I'm glad I could help.

So you're staying for pie?

-Pie? -Pie?

Of course. After the service...

...we're all gonna have a bit of Aunt Maddie's last sweet potato pie.

Hallelujah

Hanky, your bubble bath's ready.

Okay. Let's kill him.

Hanky, Pooky, are you down here?

Hey, what are you doing?

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Kelly, look, I know you love Hank.

So I'm gonna say this as gently as possible.

We're gonna cut that bird's head off...

...stuff his butt full of bread, and eat him.

Oh, get away! Get away!

You are not gonna kill Hank.

Kelly? Honey, it's your mother.

You know I'm on your side.

How many heart-to-hearts have we had through this door?

Mom, that's the linen closet.

We have a linen closet?

Open up.

Go away, you turkey-haters.

Kelly, I promise he won't feel a thing.

This isn't one of your dates, Bud.

I'm sorry, Hank.

I really wanna keep you...

...but it's not safe here.

I'm gonna have to set you free.

Oh, me too. I'll never forget you.

Fly away, Hank.

Fly like the wind!

I meant fly up, Hank!

Gonna lay down my sword and shield

Down by the riverside

Down by the riverside

Oh, that was inspirational!

Let's do another one!

Amen, brother Griff.

-What? -I've been waiting for one year...

...for a taste of that pie...

...so if you don't wanna make this a double funeral, stop singing.

He's got the whole world In his hands

He's got whole wide world In his hands

He's got the whole world In his hands

I want that whole pie In my hands

Excuse me. Excuse me, Reverend Hightower.

Now, this glorious music has ridden on angel's wings to Aunt Maddie's ears.

But now it's time to celebrate her life by sharing this...

...heavenly pie.

Hallelujah.

Brother Al's deep love for Aunt Maddie's pie...

...should be an inspiration to us all.

Well, not to us all. There's only one pie.

Brother Al used the word "heavenly," and he is right.

Yes.

He's so right that we cannot, we should not...

...we must not divide this pie.

Hallelujah.

Because only one is worthy of it.

I think they're gonna give me this pie.

As brother Al suggests...

...this pie should go to our heavenly Father.

-Yes, sir. -Amen.

Him? Him? Why him?

He can get a pie any time he wants to.

No, wait, wait. Please, don't take it.

You're right.

We can't take it, brother Al.

Only Aunt Maddie can take it to him.

-That's right. -Yes.

Let's us bow our heads in prayer.

Yes, let us pray.

Aunt Maddie, excuse me...

...but I just know you'd want me to have this last pie.

So if you could, would you just give me a sign?

Any sign at all.

Even if the sign is no sign.

Good.

Then the sign is no sign at all.

You know, she was-- She was getting cold.

That no-count Bundy boy is stealing Aunt Maddie's pie.

Get him.

Well, who knew that turkeys couldn't fly?

I did.

-Me too. -Ditto.

Jefferson, thanks for my Thanksgiving turkey.

Well, you really have to thank Kelly.

I mean, she's the one who threw him to his neck-snapping death.

I'm so sorry, Hank.

You're talking into his butt.

His head's in the garbage.

You guys are really being insensitive.

-Honey, it was an accident. -Right.

It wasn't your fault.

Hi. Mr. McGuinty told me you found my turkey. Where is he?

She killed him.

You killed Timothy?

I'm sorry.

I threw him out the window because I thought he could fly.

What are you, an idiot?

I raised him from an egg. We won a 4-H ribbon together.

I'm really sorry.

It's not fair.

I wanted to kill him.

I didn't even get to chop off his head.

Well, it--

Hey, it wasn't much fun. I mean, he didn't run around or anything.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Marcy.

I got my pie.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to enjoy it.

Al, we had a horrible Thanksgiving.

I killed my pet turkey.

I forgot to reserve a turkey.

I didn't get to eat turkey.

I saw Ms. Piggy's woo-woo.

I mean-- I mean, we're starving.

Are you kidding me?

Do you know what I had to go through to get this pie?

Al.

How could you leave without me?

You weren't in the car?

No.

Do you know how hard it is for a bloody black man...

...to get a cab on Thanksgiving?

I'm sorry, buddy. Thanks a lot for running interference for me.

Well, if you really wanna thank me...

...you can just give me a piece of that pie.

No, no. It's a Thanksgiving tradition.

No, I never share my pie.

Al, I think Aunt Maddie would want you to share.

Peg, the only thing I'm sharing is this Thanksgiving wish for all of you:

Get out.

Al Bundy.

Down here, boy.

Aunt Maddie?

Al Bundy, what did I always say?

"If you want that cookie, you gotta pay for it"?

No, the other thing.

"My pies are always sweeter when you share 'em"?

Right.

Now, you share that pie with your family and friends.

Don't make me hit you upside the head.

Come on, Al, it's Thanksgiving. Share with us.

No.

Al Bundy.

Okay.

-Anybody wanna share my pie? -Yes. Thank you, Daddy.

-Al, I knew you'd come through. -Happy Thanksgiving.

Good boy.

Happy Thanksgiving, Aunt Maddie.

Don't go away. We'll be right back.

Wow, JB, I can't believe that you got smoked by Al Bundy.

I mean, my God, the man's a middle-aged shoe salesman.

Guys, let's check this out and go to the replay.

Let's do it.

Hey, check out the missed tackle by Ms. Eunetta.

Now, that's just sloppy.

Now Bundy heads for daylight. Oh, and who's there to stop him?

That's right. Our own James "Fold up Like a Blanket" Brown.

Where's the flag? I told you they should bring back instant replay.

Man, he ran over you like a woman in a shoe sale.

I'll tell you what, it looked like Al Bundy...

...wanted it just a little more than you.

Wait a minute. Who asked you, four eyes?

Is he talking to me? You want some of me, Harvard?

Hey, hold on. Come on. Let's just get along here--

-Stay out of it, baldy. -Stay out of it, baldy.

What are we--?