Original subtitles

Big day today, Peg. I'm getting a raise.

Al, you haven't had a raise since our honeymoon.

And even that was below minimum.

What's for breakfast today, Peg?

Scrambled nothing or nothing over easy?

You know, Al, I've been a little concerned about your cholesterol.

So I've switched to Nothing Beaters.

Besides, your paycheck is so small, we can't afford the luxuries of life.

Gee, Peg, is a shotgun considered a luxury?

Maybe. But unlike you, Al, a shotgun can go off more than once a month.

If I had something worth stuffing...

...maybe I'd take my gun in the woods more often.

Mom, have you seen my lucky audition blouse?

-What does it look like? -It's see-through.

Maybe that's why I can't find it.

Hi, there. I have a free gift for Peg Bundy, Home Shopper of the Month.

Kelly, give the man a tip.

I get dressed with the curtains open every morning.

I know. Why do you think I picked this route?

Bye.

What is it?

It's a microwave oven.

What kind of cruel joke is this? Send it back.

Wait. No, no, no. I've heard about these.

Now, whenever you want hot food, all you have to do is press the buttons.

So it's like the phone.

Hello.

I'm telling you, buddy, hard as we work, we deserve a raise.

Let us in!

Oh, Griff, it's your turn.

All right.

You know, I could get a trained chimp to do your job...

...but it'd be a waste of a perfectly good trained chimp.

Yeah, but it's such a nice vacation for him to get out of your bedroom.

By the way, I think that is one lucky chimp.

This year, we're going to have a sales contest.

First place gets the raise.

Second place gets a swift kick in the ass.

Why don't you give us a real incentive? Let the winner kick you in the ass.

Instead of kicking my butt, you should be kissing it.

Hey, what do you think I look like, your monkey?

-That stinks. -Yeah. Sorry, it's a tough break, buddy.

What are you talking about?

Well, come on, Griff, you can't compete with my charm.

I'm a natural-born salesman.

-Excuse me-- -Hey!

Do I come to the hag shop, bother you when you're working?

This contest is no contest. You're going down, Bundy.

Let's rock, fat boy.

Your mama.

My wife.

You win.

No, I don't.

Mom, I'm telling you, this microwave is broken.

Now, I keep pressing the popcorn button and no popcorn's coming out.

Well, try pressing lamb, pork or veal.

Wonder which one it will be.

Excuse me, Betty and Moronica.

You gotta put food in it first.

Well, then what good is it?

Oh, look, wait. I found something way here in the back.

It's a little turtle.

Timmy Turtle?

You said he went to go live on a farm...

...where he had more room to romp and play.

Well, honey, actually, Timmy Turtle had a terrible disease...

...and we decided to freeze him until we could find a cure.

He has no head, Mom.

Well, that was his disease.

Well, do they have a cure for that yet?

Well, when they find a cure for that, you'll be the first to know.

See you soon, Timmy.

Oh, look, here's a meatball.

Oh, put that in. Come on.

Oh, my God. That meatball has eyes.

Timmy!

-Well, that was fun. -Yeah.

I wonder what a bigger head would do.

That's your father. Quick, hide the microwave.

If he smells turtle brains, he's gonna want dinner. Go on.

Something smells good.

Oh, gee, Al, I saw that on Oprah.

Smelling things that aren't really there is the first the sign of a brain tumor.

Gee, Peg, I thought...

...that watching Oprah was the first sign of a brain tumor.

There you go.

There it is, ma'am.

No waiting at Register 2.

Free shoes.

-Can you help me? -Madam, I would be delighted.

Do these shoes make me look fat? Be honest.

No, they make you look very...fat.

I'm sorry, I'm new at this.

May I add, that's a lovely broach...

...or is it cud stain?

Score one more for the Griff Express!

You know, Griff, because I respect our friendship...

...I'm willing to split that raise right now.

Like I'm gonna fall for that.

Come on, Griff. We ought to make Gary give us both a raise.

-How? -Well, I mean...

...she must be doing something illegal.

Yeah, but will the monkey wear a wire?

Sign here for shoes from the sweatshop.

Not now, kid. We're trying to blackmail someone.

Please, hurry. If I am late getting back to the sweatshop...

...they'll make we watch Caroline in the City.

Kid, we're talking here.

Now, what can we blackmail Gary with?

Excuse me, but I have to get back to Gary's sweatshop.

Hey. This kid just gave me a great idea.

Long John Silver's for lunch?

No. Don't you get it? Sweatshop, blackmail.

-Gary's going down. -Yeah!

Okay. We got the camera, the lapel mike...

...and the bulletproof underwear.

Hey, you didn't tell me to bring any special underwear.

Yours are already bulletproof.

Right. Hey, this spy stuff makes me hungry.

-Did you bring the Cheetos? -No. Too crunchy.

I brought gummy bears.

This is the most humiliating thing I have ever done.

You obviously don't remember your Little League tryouts.

Is the sombrero-cam ready?

Bud, go in there and get pictures of the horrible, squalid working conditions.

Go on, go on, go on.

Keep it in your hat, Budro.

Now, I'm wearing the wire.

I'll get this guy to incriminate himself.

All right, all right. I'll go search the office for damaging evidence.

Jefferson.

These two gummy bears are doing it.

Hi. I'm Bob Thompson.

Welcome to Happy Soles Footwear. What can I do for you?

-Gummy bear? -Thank you.

I have an underage worker for you. Are you interested?

So you would be interested...

...in exploiting this child in your highly illegal sweatshop.

You wanna clarify that?

He's nodding.

Would you care to add anything before we strike this highly illegal bargain?

Yeah. These bears appear to be doing it.

I said that!

-Hey! -Who was that?

Why, that's Manny. He's our VP of human resources.

He's in charge of orientation.

That seemed a little harsh.

Well, here's your finder's fee.

Dad!

Well, spare the prod, spoil the child.

Hey, are you interested in buying an older redhead?

Now, she's not go a good worker, but she's a good breeder.

I wouldn't breed her, but somebody could.

We're full up. A pleasure doing business with you.

Yeah, you too. Hey, in the future...

...if I should come here for my sweatshop needs...

...should I go directly to you or to your boss...

...Gary, from Gary's Shoes?

Whatever.

He said, "Whatever."

Al, Al, look at the slave wages they pay these poor people.

They make more than me!

And they get gruel.

Dad-o! Help-o! Lots of blood-o!

You chuckleheads, this better be good. I'm in the middle of a facial.

Well, turn around. Let's see how it's going.

Look, we know you run a sweatshop.

And we've got the proof.

All right. You caught me with my pants down.

Hey, enough about your facial.

Now, we have demands. We want shorter working hours.

Al, that means you'd have to spend more time at home.

We demand longer working hours.

No, we don't. We want money.

Okay, you got me over a barrel.

Hey, who's blackmailing who, here?

What I'm saying is: You can have anything you want.

Two hundred and fifty bucks.

Each?

Yes.

I'll do it.

-I'll bring you the money tomorrow. -Today.

Okay, but I'll have to miss my electrolysis.

-Tomorrow. -Tomorrow.

It's almost ready.

Mom. Mom, look at the clock.

I think we're going backwards in time.

Well, maybe it can take us back to before I met Al.

Then I wouldn't have been born.

Not necessarily.

There's your Dad. Hide the microwave.

-Where? -Put it on my side of the bed.

Lord knows, he'll never find anything there.

Hold on.

Now, now, Peg.

Peg, I swear I smell food.

Now, you haven't been eating around on me behind my back, have you?

Al, I can't even breathe behind your back.

Hey, what is that? I heard a ding.

Ringing in your ears.

That's the second sign of a brain tumor.

You must be terminal.

Peg, you don't have to cheer me up. I've had a great day.

Well, Marcy, congratulations. I didn't know you were expecting.

Peggy, my oven is on the fritz...

...and I was hoping you could warm my giblets.

I thought that was your husband's unfortunate job.

No. It's my job to stuff the bird.

You know, Al, there are so many things that I could point out right now.

Your receding hairline, your depraved children--

Your chronically unsatisfied wife.

Thank you, Peggy, but I just think I'll keep it simple.

You're a shoe salesman.

Make that shoe salesman/extortionist.

Al's boss runs an illegal sweatshop and he's blackmailing her.

Al Bundy, I have never been so ashamed of you.

Oh, except for last night.

We'll just keep that between ourselves...

...which was something you weren't able to do...

...but let's not get into it, which you know you also had trouble with.

Okay, Peg.

All right. I'm sorry, Al. I won't bring it up again.

Of course, up--

Al Bundy, you are a despicable human being.

And you, Jefferson, will be slaving away...

...in your own little sweatshop tonight.

Well, Peg, since my ship came in, I'm going out.

I think I'll bowl a few frames.

Honey, why don't you just stay home and bowl me over?

Because, Peg, I prefer a place where my balls are returned properly.

Hi, pumpkin.

Hey, Daddy.

What are you doing in the closet?

This isn't the closet. This is the.... It's the elevator.

Alrighty.

Going up.

Boy, this day just keeps getting better and better.

All right, beat this.

Over the fountain, off the Gap sign...

...and right into that woman grazing the Hickory Barn sample bag.

What do I get if I knock the salami out of her mouth?

A grateful salami.

Hey, no fair banking it off her forehead.

Oh, my God. It's Gary.

Which one of you morons threw this shoe?

-He did. -He did.

All right, you idiots.

Here's your hush money. Where's the evidence?

Hey, this is fake money.

There's no such thing as a hundred dollar bill.

Here they are.

This is Miranda Vera Cruz de la Hoya Cardinale.

Thanks to news tipster, Marcy D'Arcy...

...we have just discovered that Gary's Shoes uses sweatshop labor.

And if that isn't bad enough...

...these shoes are hideous and poorly constructed.

Speaking of hideous and poorly-constructed...

...meet Gary, owner of Gary's sweatshop.

You are the one who's exploiting these children?

What do you have to say for yourself?

You can say I'm ugly.

You can say I'm untalented.

But don't you dare say I don't care about the children.

Frank Gifford gave us more.

That's my money. I blackmailed that money, fair and square.

Give up, Al.

What about me, huh? I'm exploited.

I'm overworked, underpaid and malnourished.

I've got a brain tumor.

Al, three things. First:

Second, to have a brain tumor, you have to have a brain.

And third, this is not about you.

This is about these poor, victimized children.

-Thank you, señora. -Watch the hook, Paco.

This is cashmere.

Oh, thanks, idiots. I couldn't buy publicity like this.

-So you're gonna give us the raise? -Forget it.

Since I've been busted, I'm cutting your salaries in half.

Back to work, morons.

You heard the man. Back to work.

Across the Orange Julius...

...to the Sunglass Hut, to the NordicTrack store...

...and right up Gary's monkey-loving butt.

What kind of trashy tramp would wear these?