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1
00:00:10,911 --> 00:00:12,646
Hey, Peg.
2
00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:25,025
A fat woman hedgehogged
her way into the shoe store today....
3
00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:32,500
Popcorn air freshener.
That could only mean one thing.
4
00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:36,203
-Bundy night at the movies!
-Bundy night at the movies!
5
00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:43,444
Oh, Peg, you even got the floor sticky,
just like at the theater.
6
00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:45,513
You know what else we do
at the theater?
7
00:00:45,679 --> 00:00:49,216
You're not gonna put M&M's in
your lap and make me hunt for them?
8
00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:53,554
By the time I get there,
they've melted and it gets all gooey.
9
00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:57,958
Well, you know, if you'd get there
sooner, they'd melt in your mouth.
10
00:00:58,426 --> 00:01:01,862
Oh, Peg, it just doesn't get
any better than this. I owe you one.
11
00:01:02,029 --> 00:01:06,767
-Well, maybe after the movies, Al--
-I said owe, Peg, as in "not pay."
12
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,237
-Hey.
-Dad.
13
00:01:14,942 --> 00:01:18,612
Have anything I could use to create the
impression we're having a windstorm?
14
00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:21,482
Yes, but he's sitting on it.
15
00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:26,220
See, my date really gets turned on
by scary situations.
16
00:01:26,387 --> 00:01:29,390
Apparently, taking his clothes off
isn't enough.
17
00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:32,293
So I decided
to create a fake tornado.
18
00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:34,528
You know,
my own little natural disaster.
19
00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:38,399
Oh, like one of your
hand-lotion tsunamis?
20
00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:45,372
Now, let's not tease Bud.
He might turn out weird.
21
00:01:47,675 --> 00:01:50,211
You know,
I really did see something on Oprah...
22
00:01:50,377 --> 00:01:54,315
...that said women really do get turned
on by life-threatening situations.
23
00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:56,217
-I know I do.
-Me too.
24
00:01:56,383 --> 00:01:59,186
Why don't you go upstairs
and slip into a dry-cleaning bag...
25
00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:00,955
...see what that does for us?
26
00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:04,425
I'm getting all hot
just thinking about it.
27
00:02:06,427 --> 00:02:09,363
And you wonder
why I have problems with women.
28
00:02:09,997 --> 00:02:11,632
-No, we don't.
-No, we don't.
29
00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:56,176
Looks like we made it just in time,
Ariel.
30
00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,917
That tornado's gonna hit
any second now.
31
00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:05,452
But there's not a cloud in the sky.
32
00:03:05,653 --> 00:03:08,656
Well, haven't you ever heard
of the calm before the storm?
33
00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:14,628
No. But then, I just realized
the Olsen twins are two people.
34
00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,735
Look, why don't you just
take a look outside...
35
00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:23,671
...and you tell me what you see,
okay?
36
00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:40,421
Wait a minute. Doesn't
lightning come before thunder?
37
00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:44,224
Yeah, sure,
except in very bad storms...
38
00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:49,129
...when the positive and negative ions
make everything, you know, kooky.
39
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:54,435
Wow, it's getting really
windy out there, Bud.
40
00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:58,305
You'd better bring those fans in
before they blow away.
41
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:04,278
I just put those fans out there to
create a counter-vortex to the tornado.
42
00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:11,452
Bud, you are so smart and sexy.
43
00:04:11,619 --> 00:04:14,088
I don't know what you see in me.
44
00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:17,725
Hopefully me, in a minute.
45
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:24,164
These shoes are too big.
I'm swimming in them.
46
00:04:24,331 --> 00:04:27,735
Well, that would explain
the life preserver under your dress.
47
00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:32,506
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
48
00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:35,709
You've never been
employee of the month, have you?
49
00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:40,247
That's right, but if I were you,
I wouldn't be going out on any limbs.
50
00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:44,485
Look, I told you, I'm a five.
51
00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:49,823
And you are going to sell me a five
if I have to sit here all night.
52
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:51,492
So because you're mad at me...
53
00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:55,129
...you're going to take it out
on a perfectly innocent chair...
54
00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:57,898
...a chair that
has suffered enough already.
55
00:04:58,065 --> 00:05:00,901
Well, I have just about
had enough of you.
56
00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:04,071
You wouldn't say that if I came
with fries and a medium drink.
57
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:13,947
You know medium,
the size between small and you.
58
00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:19,820
I'm not leaving here
until you help me.
59
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:22,990
I don't know what I could do that God
and Deal-A-Meal couldn't...
60
00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:25,359
...but I'll give it a shot.
61
00:05:27,227 --> 00:05:32,099
Griff, you got any aspirin?
Or a harpoon?
62
00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:34,334
I'm not talking to you.
63
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:37,805
I can't believe you're still whining
about that little practical joke.
64
00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:40,140
You sent me to death row.
65
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:43,177
You made a few close friends.
66
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:46,814
And they gave you a cool nickname,
Black Beauty.
67
00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:50,184
Mrs. Black Beauty.
68
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,486
You said you wanted to remarry.
69
00:05:52,653 --> 00:05:56,090
Yeah, but not to a 250-pound Filipino.
70
00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:57,958
Since when are you prejudiced?
71
00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:03,597
-They strapped me in the electric chair.
-We'd have rescued you sooner.
72
00:06:03,764 --> 00:06:06,967
But when you order a burger well-done,
it ought to come well-done.
73
00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:09,636
Another few seconds,
you could have cooked it on my lap.
74
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:14,174
Well, then, where would
Mr. Black Beauty sit?
75
00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:18,879
Excuse me, but am I invisible?
76
00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:22,015
Possibly from Pluto.
77
00:06:27,588 --> 00:06:30,591
Wow, with the money Bud spent
to get those trees to bend...
78
00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:33,560
...he could have just paid for sex,
like any normal person.
79
00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:38,766
We interrupt Oprah for live coverage
of a local twister.
80
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,135
You know, you gotta give Bud credit.
81
00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:47,040
I mean, those live power lines really
look like they hit that school bus.
82
00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:50,144
Kelly, that really is a twister.
83
00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:53,714
Those kids really are trapped
on that bus.
84
00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:57,417
-Cool.
-Cool?
85
00:06:57,584 --> 00:07:00,120
How could you be so insensitive?
86
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:02,823
This storm could preempt Oprah.
87
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:06,927
Peggy, Kelly.
88
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,170
As your civil defense block captain,
I'm taking charge.
89
00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:19,039
You are to follow my orders
without asking any questions.
90
00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:22,442
So we're supposed to act
like Mr. D'Arcy?
91
00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:26,880
I said no questions.
92
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:30,150
First, unplug all the appliances.
93
00:07:30,317 --> 00:07:32,686
Oh, I did that when we moved in.
94
00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:36,390
Okay. Then we've got to get
to the safest place in the house.
95
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:38,292
Oh, well, that would be Bud's room...
96
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,594
...because nothing ever happens
down there.
97
00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:41,795
All right, well, hurry.
98
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:45,165
You've only got time to grab your
most precious, personal possession.
99
00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:50,671
Can I take two?
100
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:55,943
Somebody help me.
101
00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:08,488
Hey, Al, the wind is really kicking up
on the food court!
102
00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:22,469
This tornado is great.
103
00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:25,806
I'll take a falafel.
104
00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:28,876
I'll bet you would.
105
00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:32,312
All right, now, look.
All right, that's it. Just a minute.
106
00:08:32,479 --> 00:08:34,481
A little bit to leeward.
107
00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:40,187
There. All right, now, do me a favor.
Don't stand up till I get my--
108
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:47,394
Oh, these feel great.
109
00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:50,530
Do they have a special gel lining?
110
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:55,168
Yes, that's the blood spurting
from my severed digit.
111
00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:59,506
Well, these are perfect
for my flamenco class.
112
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:11,785
Help me. Help me. Help me.
113
00:09:13,854 --> 00:09:16,757
Al, we gotta go.
It's getting real scary out there.
114
00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:20,460
Not as scary as it is down here.
115
00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:23,030
Don't worry.
I won't leave you, Buddy.
116
00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:28,902
Help! Help! Help me!
117
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,071
See you, buddy!
118
00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:40,781
I wonder what could happen
to make this situation any worse.
119
00:09:40,948 --> 00:09:43,216
I have to go to the bathroom.
120
00:10:08,675 --> 00:10:09,810
Okay, Marcy.
121
00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:14,548
I opened all the windows, tied down
the rose bushes, turned off the gas...
122
00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:18,285
...and cut your underwear
into tiny little pieces.
123
00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:19,720
Why'd you do that?
124
00:10:19,886 --> 00:10:23,290
Because I wanted to be
the block captain.
125
00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:25,726
Well, you're not.
126
00:10:25,892 --> 00:10:28,528
Hey, Mom, do you think Dad's safe
from the tornado?
127
00:10:28,695 --> 00:10:33,934
Oh, honey, I'm sure he's protected
by his "cone of smell."
128
00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:38,205
Yeah, but what if
it's like The Wizard of Oz?
129
00:10:38,672 --> 00:10:40,741
Kelly, what are you thinking?
130
00:10:40,907 --> 00:10:45,112
Daddy's gonna get sucked up by a
tornado, spin around in the air...
131
00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:47,948
...and then land smack
on some wicked witch?
132
00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:52,652
Help!
133
00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:01,395
I'm home.
134
00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:06,700
Well, I guess all we need now
is to have a house fall on us.
135
00:11:16,643 --> 00:11:18,345
Cool.
136
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:31,892
I told you I was a size five.
137
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:38,965
Well, Al, so much
for your little threesome fantasy.
138
00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:42,569
Oh, that was no threesome, Peg.
That was a fivesome.
139
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:46,206
Oh, why, oh, why,
did I have to land here?
140
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:49,776
Why couldn't it have been
a nice toxic waste dump?
141
00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:51,745
Well, it is.
142
00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:55,115
I think I might have cracked
my pelvis.
143
00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:57,551
-Quit whining, Al.
-Hey, you.
144
00:11:57,717 --> 00:12:01,955
I just survived Operation Dumbo Drop.
I don't wanna have no lip from you.
145
00:12:06,993 --> 00:12:10,764
Come on, Al. The women are depending
on us for emotional strength.
146
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:17,537
It's coming, Marcy!
Do something, quick!
147
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,175
What did you do that for?
148
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:26,012
Well, Marcy did it
and she's the block captain.
149
00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:28,915
Well, she certainly
has the haircut for it.
150
00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:32,419
People, people, don't panic.
Everything will be fine...
151
00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:36,189
...if we just all move into the basement
in an orderly fashion.
152
00:12:36,723 --> 00:12:38,592
Me! Me!
153
00:12:39,025 --> 00:12:41,261
Hey, hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
154
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:43,096
Now, aren't we forgetting
something?
155
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,232
Wage-earners
before couch potatoes?
156
00:12:45,398 --> 00:12:47,767
No. I mean Lucky. Where is he?
157
00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:51,438
Same place we always put him
during bad weather. Outside.
158
00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:53,206
Come on, let's get in the basement.
159
00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:55,709
Well, I'm not going anywhere
until I get Lucky.
160
00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:58,979
Well, that should take
about 30 seconds.
161
00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:07,087
Kelly, you take this walkie-talkie
with you and call us if you need help.
162
00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:08,688
Okay. Oh, you know what?
163
00:13:08,855 --> 00:13:11,558
I better take this one,
just in case this one breaks.
164
00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:16,263
Well, good luck and Godspeed. And
remember, we're all in this together.
165
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:20,167
Hey! Let me in!
166
00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:22,636
I am your block captain.
167
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:26,439
I am your leader.
You will die without me.
168
00:13:27,073 --> 00:13:28,742
I am in charge.
169
00:13:28,909 --> 00:13:31,678
You will die without a leader.
170
00:13:31,912 --> 00:13:35,081
Let me in.
I'm gonna break this door down.
171
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:40,987
One, two, three!
172
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:57,270
Attention. I hate you people.
173
00:13:57,904 --> 00:13:59,839
Yeah, well, imagine how I feel.
174
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,613
We're in the middle
of something here.
175
00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:09,115
This is an emergency.
176
00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:12,519
Please put on your pants.
There's a twister coming.
177
00:14:13,119 --> 00:14:14,387
No, there isn't.
178
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:18,325
I just rigged up some hoses and fans
to trick Ariel into sleeping with me.
179
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:25,065
Yes, Bud, but in the meantime,
a real storm blew in.
180
00:14:26,132 --> 00:14:28,335
So I went to all this trouble
for nothing?
181
00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:33,139
Bud, you're obscene.
182
00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:36,509
Who could possibly get turned on
in the face of disaster?
183
00:14:42,315 --> 00:14:45,085
Oh, I'm not turned on.
I just need shelter.
184
00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:47,554
You could be a tree or a garage or--
185
00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:50,056
Or a laundry-folding wimp.
186
00:14:58,164 --> 00:15:03,270
Women, be brave. There is no reason
to lean on us or touch us in any way.
187
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:05,639
For once, I agree with Al.
188
00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:10,910
As your civil defense block captain,
there will be no sex during the storm.
189
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:16,549
No. No. No.
190
00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:20,353
Help us, Al! Do something.
191
00:15:20,553 --> 00:15:23,790
Don't do that. Not that way.
192
00:15:23,990 --> 00:15:27,160
Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
193
00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:50,550
Well, I guess it's safe enough
to go upstairs now.
194
00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:54,387
But be careful.
There could be loose beams.
195
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:02,762
Oh, damn door is jammed.
196
00:16:02,929 --> 00:16:06,399
Move aside, Marcy.
Let the men handle this. Jefferson?
197
00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:09,669
-Bud.
-All right, Dad.
198
00:16:11,805 --> 00:16:15,208
What? What? No, no! Wait! No!
199
00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:24,417
Damn door. Damn Bud's head.
Damn soft spot that never healed.
200
00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:26,686
Try it again.
201
00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:30,390
Al, put him down.
202
00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:33,026
All right. Get out of here.
203
00:16:36,463 --> 00:16:38,331
Furniture must be blocking the door.
204
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,734
I hope my couch is okay.
205
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:44,371
There must be another way
out of here.
206
00:16:45,472 --> 00:16:48,208
Hey, Al,
how about the secret way out?
207
00:16:50,977 --> 00:16:53,179
It's a secret.
208
00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:56,216
-Now, don't panic, Jefferson.
-You're right.
209
00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:58,551
After all,
Kelly knows we're down here.
210
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:00,887
Right.
And as soon as she remembers....
211
00:17:02,088 --> 00:17:05,191
-Help! Help!
-Help! Help!
212
00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:09,996
Come on, Lucky. Come here, Lucky.
Please, stop. Come on, Lucky.
213
00:17:11,097 --> 00:17:15,635
That's weird. I can outrun a tornado,
but I can't catch the damn dog.
214
00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:19,072
Maybe I'll try chasing the tornado
for a while. Yeah, okay.
215
00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:22,275
Here, twister. Come on, twister.
Here, twister.
216
00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:26,980
Well, since we're stuck here,
we might as well play Mad Libs. Okay?
217
00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:28,281
I need a verb.
218
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,283
Cluck.
219
00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:34,721
Okay.
Somebody give me a command.
220
00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:36,756
Cluck you?
221
00:17:38,425 --> 00:17:40,560
I like you.
222
00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:45,865
You know, perhaps Mad Libs is just a
little too advanced for you people...
223
00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:49,969
...so let's just play 20 questions,
okay? Who'll ask the first question?
224
00:17:50,136 --> 00:17:51,938
Go to hell.
225
00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:55,074
That's not a question.
226
00:17:55,775 --> 00:17:58,311
Why don't you go to hell?
227
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:03,283
I really like you.
228
00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:08,688
Well, I'm good at games,
except I always lose at strip poker.
229
00:18:13,159 --> 00:18:15,862
Game time is over.
230
00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:19,332
Perhaps this would be a good time
to hand out the food.
231
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:21,601
Okay. But supplies are limited.
232
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:24,504
So we're gonna have
to pace ourselves.
233
00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:32,679
Good powdered turkey.
234
00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:36,349
Dad, you're supposed to dissolve it
in water first.
235
00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:41,287
Yeah, I thought the turkey
was a little dry this year.
236
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:45,725
Peg, open up the powdered yams.
237
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:50,363
Al, I can't believe you'd expect me
to cook at a time like this.
238
00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:52,999
Well, it's not over yet, folks.
239
00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:57,403
That tornado that hit Cook County is
expected to double back at force five.
240
00:18:57,570 --> 00:19:02,208
Force five? That's five times
stronger than the last one.
241
00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:10,617
Dear God, no.
I can't live through that again.
242
00:19:10,783 --> 00:19:16,222
Oh, the darkness, the cold,
the awful suction!
243
00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:19,559
-I'm not talking about the tornado, Al.
-Neither am I.
244
00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:27,800
Hey, Al, I know that we swore
on a stack of Big'Uns...
245
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:31,037
...to keep the secret way out
a secret, but....
246
00:19:34,541 --> 00:19:39,012
You're right, Jefferson.
This is a matter of life or sex.
247
00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:46,219
-You got your key?
-Always.
248
00:19:46,986 --> 00:19:48,655
On my mark.
249
00:19:56,162 --> 00:19:57,830
Okay, Jefferson. Hurry up.
250
00:19:57,997 --> 00:20:01,367
You realize
we may never see our wives again.
251
00:20:03,836 --> 00:20:06,005
I know.
252
00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:20,687
-I think we made it, Jefferson.
-Yeah.
253
00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:25,625
We're in heaven.
254
00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:44,677
It's not fair.
The Cowardly Lion got courage...
255
00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:48,615
...the Tin Man got a heart,
and you got a brain.
256
00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:52,619
-What did the Wizard give you?
A physical.
257
00:20:55,555 --> 00:20:58,124
Hey, cut it out!
20771
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