Original subtitles

Okay, Griff.

In 1960, Cassius Clay won the Olympic gold medal...

...by defeating what boxer?

Let's see.

It's on the tip of her tongue-- I mean, my tongue.

Give me that.

He defeated this guy.

Come on, Griff.

The winner of the sports radio contest gets two tickets...

...to the summer Olympics in Atlanta.

That's me and you, buddy.

I never knew you were a big fan of the Olympics, Al.

I'm not, but I'm a huge fan of leaving home.

You know all the answers, why don't you call in?

Because I was banned from the radio station...

...for making one innocent comment.

What did you say?

I simply said, we can put a man on the moon...

...but we've yet to build an attractive woman golfer.

And?

Okay. Who holds the world record for the longest standing broad jump?

Me, if she doesn't move.

I was wondering, if I said you had a beautiful body...

...would you hold it against me?

Are we near the airport, or is that the sound of my heart taking off?

What's your sign?

Yeah, she wants me.

Okay, this baby is our ticket to Atlanta.

What the hell is this?

I got this from the CIA surplus store.

This bad boy blocks all phone calls to the radio station except mine.

I'm Calvin Farquhar.

And it's time for Sports Radio 600 Olympic trivia contest.

Answer three questions correctly, you and a friend are off to Atlanta.

It's showtime, Griff.

You do it, Al. They can't hate you that much.

This contest is open to everyone except Sports Radio employees...

...and Al Bundy.

You're mouthing with Calvin. Who's this?

Griff.

Griff, my man, you have a last name?

X, Griff X.

Are you Muslim, as in Malcolm X?

No, I'm divorced, as in screwed over by the ex.

She got everything, you know?

Keep your problems to yourself, man.

This isn't Frasier.

Okay, first question.

Who was named the outstanding boxer in the 1988 Olympics...

...despite being cheated out of a gold medal?

Roy Jones Jr.

Correct.

Now name the first American city that hosted the Summer Olympics.

St. Louis.

St. Louis.

Correct again.

Griff, you can quit now and keep the El Pollo Loco 12-piece chicken dinner.

I mean, 11-piece chicken dinner...

...or risk everything and go for the gold.

Do side dishes come with that chicken?

I mean, we'll go for the gold.

We?

You are alone, aren't you, Griff?

Al Bundy's not there, is he?

No. Absolutely not.

Then name the only man in Olympic history to win a gold medal...

...in both Summer and Winter games, and name the event.

Eddie Eagan, boxing...

...and--

Bobsledding.

Was that Al Bundy?

No. That was me, Griff.

When I get excited, I sound Caucasian.

You know, like that guy from Hanging With Mr. Cooper.

Well, congratulations, Griff. You're going to Atlanta, man.

We'll catch men's boxing.

Then Shaq and the Dream Team take on the always impressive Kuwaiti Five.

Sometimes it's fun to root for underdeveloped countries, Al.

Speaking of underdeveloped.

Hello, Griff. Hello, whiff.

Listen, in preparation for your trip...

...I've put together some brochures of sights to see...

...and things to do while you're in Atlanta.

Martin Luther King Junior Memorial...

...Peachtree Plaza, and look, the Jimmy Carter Peanut Museum.

Thank you, Marcie, and we will put this to good use.

Wobble's gone.

And yet the weeble's still here.

Come on, Jefferson. I'm going to Victoria's Secret.

What in the world for?

I mean, I'll meet you there.

Bye-bye.

All right, look, guys.

Here's how to see the real sights in Atlanta.

Their official illustrated guide to the nudie bars.

The South shall rise again.

And so shall we.

Well, Marcie's gonna be wondering what happened to me.

Is Victoria's Secret still down that way?

-Yes. -Thanks.

Al, here comes that sports-radio guy. Hide.

Not to worry. He knows my voice, not my face.

Excuse me.

I'm Calvin Farquhar and are either of you Griff X?

-I'm Mr. X. -Nice to meet you.

You'll have to excuse my friend, Al-- Fredo.

Alfredo. He doesn't talk much.

Lost his tongue in the war.

And a few other things too.

Well, Griff, if you'll just sign for these tickets.

Sure. Have a seat.

Hey, Dad.

Can I go to Las Vegas this weekend with....

What was your name? Oh, it doesn't matter. Can I go?

Oh, well, thanks, Dad. I won't get married or anything stupid.

You're gonna let Kelly go to Vegas?

You're not the Al Bund--

Griff, the added bonus...

...is that you get to carry the Olympic torch through the mall.

Well, that's quite an honor.

But...

...I'd rather let my friend Alberto here carry it.

You mean Alfredo, don't you?

Yeah, Alfredo Alberto.

He's an Italian exchange salesman.

Well, you are the winner, and it's your choice.

-Can we take a picture, please? -Sure.

Thank you very much, and congratulations.

Thank you.

Griff, thanks to you, I will realize one of my life's dreams:

To carry the Olympic torch.

I thought your life's dream was to feel up Barbara Eden.

Yeah, but I did that.

Stroking the big screen at Sears doesn't count.

The point is, carrying that torch...

...for me, will be like scoring my fifth touchdown.

Griff, there is a rumor that's got me tingling all over.

I hear you're carrying the Olympic torch.

Yes, I am.

Excuse me, oh, back-stabber X.

What do you mean you're carrying the torch?

Al, look at her. What would you do?

Girls like that are a dime a dozen.

There's my dime. Bring me a dozen.

-What about friendship? -What about my dime?

Al, look. We're still going to Atlanta.

Besides, you're the only one who gives a damn about that stupid torch.

Are you the guy carrying the Olympic torch?

-For God and country. -I thought you said that nobody had--

We'd like to take pictures, give you endorsements...

-...and a free car. -Sure.

But as long as I can share it all with my best friend.

A person without whom none of this would be possible.

Yo, momma, baby, they wanna give us a car.

If I kill Griff, get sentenced to life in prison...

...I'll be out in a couple of weeks.

But I'll miss canola night at the Jiggly Room.

But they gotta have the equivalent in prison.

So I guess it will be worth it.

Dad, I see you're still a little upset about this Griff thing.

Son, the TV is a thing.

Your mother is a thing.

But betrayal by your best friend is high treason.

Come on, Daddy, cheer up. Let's watch some TV.

-Maybe there's something good on. -Watch a little tube.

All right.

Coming up on BET, Griff asks O. J. the tough questions.

Oh, we love Griff Griff loves us

That's not fair. That should be me hugging that big purple idiot.

My whole life has been leading up to that moment.

Dad, you said your life was leading up to you leaving Mom.

Well, it was.

It was, but I want to combine the two.

Once I had that torch in my hand, I would have just...

...kept on running.

-Daddy, you wanna know what I think? -Oh, this should be good.

Now, like a great Eastern religion says...

...it's all about striking a balance between the ping and the pong.

Go get my noose, boy.

-I'll get two. -Now, Dad, listen.

Your misery, or the ping...

...is what makes other people happy, or pong.

Pumpkin, Daddy's feeling a little ping right now.

Well, good.

That means that somebody somewhere must be really pong.

Maybe it's me.

She's been eating Wite-Out again, hasn't she?

Dad, Griff's your friend.

Why can't you be happy for him?

When was the last time you saw me happy...

...for anyone, about anything?

Dad, Griff is a shoe salesman, all right?

He makes no money. He drives a sardine can on wheels...

...and he paints his ankles so we'll think he can afford socks.

The guy's got no life.

But, son, that's my life.

Then you can understand why he deserves a little bit of happiness.

Pumpkin, maybe you're right.

Maybe I haven't been such a good friend.

Or a father.

But maybe there's still something I can do to make up for it.

Dad, wanna go outside and throw the ball a little bit?

Not you.

Griff, he's like family to me-- Better, because he doesn't even live here.

Tomorrow, I'm going to the shoe store.

I'll tell him he's my best friend and I'm happy for him.

Oh, Daddy, you're so good.

I'm sure in your next life you're going to be reincarcerated.

Excuse me. I'm Roy Jones Jr.

Undefeated, two-time world champion, former Olympian Roy Jones Jr?

I prefer to think of myself...

...as "pound for pound the best boxer in the world" Roy Jones Jr.

Well, I prefer to think of myself as "high school football star" Al Bundy.

But unlike you, I got married. Now my life...

...is all screwed up.

Well, enough about you. Is Griff here?

No, Griff's stretching, getting ready for his big run.

I'm his best friend, you know. And I'm very happy for him.

Well, you should be. I mean, after all, he is America's hero.

Give me that. America's hero? I'm the one who--

I'm the one who's his best friend...

...and I'm very, very happy for him.

Get your official "Go Griff" T-shirts here.

Here you go. Hey. Thank you.

Here you go. There you go. That's it, right.

Jefferson, I am so proud of you. You finally got a job.

Marcie, this isn't a job. No, I'm giving away these T-shirts...

...to promote global unity.

Oh, you're such a good man.

Excuse me.

Aren't you Bruce Jenner?

No, I am not.

Are you sure?

Don't make me knock you out.

-Oh, can I get a Griff shirt? -Oh, sure, you can. Come on over here.

Alfredo, look who I got to help me cover the Griff torch run.

Super Bowl MVP Larry Brown.

-Larry Brown. -That's me.

It's a miracle. Alfredo, the tongueless man, speaks.

Aren't you Bruce Jenner?

Can I have your autograph, please?

Can I have your autograph, please?

I'm Al Bundy. Did you come because you got my letter?

Yeah, right.

I'm not here to see you. I'm here to see Griff.

But why? You're a Super Bowl hero.

Even though that bum O'Donnell threw those two passes right to you.

Hey, I know that and you know that, but Disneyland and the Raiders don't.

And you know, I'd give it all up to be in Griff's shoes today.

Why? He's just a divorced shoe salesman...

...who's carrying a flaming stick through a mall full of fat women.

But I am his best friend and I'm very happy for him.

You ought to be.

Hey, Larry, you wanna buy one of these limited-edition, autographed...

-..."Go Griff" T-shirts? -Sure.

I don't have any cash on me right now, but hey, how about a Super Bowl ring?

Sure.

Wow, I'll always treasure this.

Me too. I'll never let it go.

Anyone wanna buy a Super Bowl ring?

-Excuse me, pal. -Hey, you're Flint Guccione...

...publisher of Big 'Uns magazine.

Right you are.

Who would have thought an Instamatic, drunken family reunion...

...and 50 bucks could start an empire?

Don't tell me you came to shake Griff's hand.

I did that yesterday when I presented him with his lifetime key...

...to the Big 'Uns brothel.

And today we're gonna make Griff Big 'Uns Man Of The Year.

Oh, Al, you're the man of the year.

No. You're the man of the century.

You're twice the man Griff is.

That's why I cloned myself.

Hey, everybody, it's Griff.

Hey, he's got the torch.

Those were my answers. That should be my torch.

I will be the flaming one.

This is Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardenal...

...live at the New Market Mall where national hero, Griff X...

...has just run by with the Olympic torch.

Wait a minute.

Someone is chasing Griff.

It appears to be local hooligan Al Bundy.

Oh, no. He has knocked the torch from Griff's hand...

...and sent it hurtling into the mall fountain.

For the first time in 3000 years...

...the Olympic flame has been extinguished.

The torch must now be relit in Athens and run around the world once more.

The Summer Olympics have been postponed indefinitely.

Thanks again...

...to now international hooligan Al Bundy.

I guess you can look on the bright side, Dad.

From now on, when people think of Olympic shame...

...they'll think of Al Bundy first and then Tonya Harding.

Daddy, do you think it's safe to go out for food now?

Oh, pumpkin, I wouldn't worry about it.

You know, when it comes to scandals, Americans have short memories.