Original subtitles

All right, I've had it.

I'm sick of coming home, seeing you holding down the couch...

...watching Oprah and stuffing your face full of bonbons.

Now, you either get your lazy ass in the kitchen and cook me a meal or get out.

Come on, Al, Marcie won't let me back in the house until I have a job.

If you kick me out too, where will I go?

Don't know, don't care.

Sure, you working people don't know how tough it is to find a job these days.

Kelly, I got you another job.

Damn, I'm a good agent.

If I was a hot young chick, I couldn't keep my hands off myself.

Well, I guess that makes you a hot young chick.

Just for that, I'm not gonna tell you who got the part...

...in the next Romantic Roast commercial.

Oh, please, Bud, please tell me.

Well, she's blond. She's standing right next to me...

...and she doesn't have a brain in her head.

Could you be a little bit more specific?

-You, you dullard. -What?

-I got the job? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. -You got the job.

All I did was read lines at the audition.

I mean, I didn't even have to uncross my--

My fingers or anything.

Look, you start shooting tonight.

Congratulations, pumpkin. But what exactly is Romantic Roast?

It's this brown powder stuff that when you add hot water...

...it becomes coffee.

I know. I know, I didn't believe it either, but it's true.

That settles it. If someone with the IQ of a french fry can get a job...

...you can too.

Yeah.

Wait-- Hey.

Now, listen, Jefferson.

I also want you to drive these kids anywhere they wanna go.

You want me to be a chauffeur?

That's humiliating.

No, Jefferson, sleeping in Peg's couch dust is humiliating.

This is just a job so Marcie will take you back.

Look, I appreciate that, Al, but I can't take money from your kids.

Sure you can. You're stronger than the boy.

Just shake him down when the girl's not looking.

Okay, folks, Romantic Roast commercial, take one.

Yep, Lance, the really cute building super, is on his way up...

...so I've cleverly jammed the disposal.

Yep, I put ABBA's greatest hits on the stereo...

...and, well, of course, I made two cups of Romantic Roast.

I'll let you know how it goes. Okay, bye.

I'm here to fix the disposal.

Cut.

Very amusing Mike Tyson impression.

This time, could you try it in a register everyone can hear, not just dogs?

And of course, I made two cups of Romantic Roast.

I'll let you know how it goes. Bye.

I'm here to fix the disposal.

Cut.

I'm curious.

Exactly what part on Baywatch did you play?

Well, the voice of Lex, the friendly dolphin.

All right, Lex, you're fired.

Okay. Let's just call it a day, shall we?

Bite me.

Mr. Director...

...look, I think I know who can play Lance.

Oh, I don't think you're right for the part. You look like he sounds.

I heard that.

Not me. I'm talking about my other client.

Yeah, and put 50 bucks on Agile Angus to place.

Yeah.

Mr. D'Arcy, I think I can get you a job in this commercial.

Why? What have I ever done to you?

It's a job so Mrs. D'Arcy will let you back in the house.

Hey, yeah. Maybe you're right.

I mean, you know, it's not really work.

It's acting.

And of course, I made two cups of Romantic Roast.

Okay. I'll let you know how it goes. Bye.

I'm here to fix the disposal.

You know, I can't figure out what happened.

I see this all the time.

Can I thank you with a cup of coffee?

Romantic Roast?

Romantic Roast.

Long after the coffee's gone...

...the romance lingers on and on.

Romantic Roast.

Congratulations, pumpkin.

As you know, acting careers are fleeting.

So you should give me your money so I can invest it wisely for you.

Oh, Daddy, you do love me.

I do now.

This commercial is the best thing that happened to us.

Well, for once, Al, we agree.

With Jefferson employed, our relationship has never been better.

There he is. It's Lance, Mr. Romantic-Roast-Coffee-Guy.

Excuse me. Excuse me. But you know, I'm Mrs. Romantic-Roast-Coffee-Guy.

Only on TV.

I'm the real Mrs. Romantic-Roast-Coffee-Guy.

Oh, you're his mother.

No, you twit. I'm his wife.

That's impossible. This map to the star's homes says he lives alone.

Give me that.

What lowlife would sell you this?

Two hundred seventy-five, 300...

...350.

Al, you've got to do something...

...about this ruthless exploitation of our families.

You're right, and I will.

There you go.

May I present the autographed Lance pump.

Price: 79.95.

Price Gary thinks we're selling it for: 9.95.

Let the purse-jacking begin.

Ma'am, groping Lance will cost you 100 bucks.

Grope on.

Jefferson?

-There you are. -How did you find me here?

Bud was also selling maps...

...to "where the stars are making whorish public appearances."

Did you know that Michael Cane is down at Orange Julius as we speak?

Why would you sell your good name...

...to line the polyester pockets of the lowest man on earth?

And you wonder why stars leave their wives.

Look, Marcie, this is all harmless fun.

This is just Jefferson's 15 minutes of fame.

Yeah, it will be over before your hair grows out.

Mr. D'Arcy, great news.

The people from Romantic Roast called and they want you and Kelly...

-...for two more commercials. -Hey, no way!

Lance, why don't you finish your Romantic Roast...

...while it's still hot and steamy.

Lila, that's not the only thing that's hot and steamy.

Oh, Lance.

Oh, Lila.

Oh, shoot me.

Romantic Roast, what Juan Valdez drinks...

...when the missus is out of town.

Al, don't you see where this is going? Jefferson is getting famous...

...and more women are throwing themselves at him.

He'll be gone. I'll be all alone. It will be just like when Steve left.

It's a very scary thing. Do you understand?

Yes, I do, Marcie, and to help you out, I made a top 10 list of things...

...to make you more attractive for your--

For your sex-symbol husband.

Number 10, wear traditional Islamic garb, covering all but the eyes.

Number nine, feather-removing electrolysis.

Number eight, ski mask.

Number seven, sew up holes in ski mask.

Number six, hire attractive woman to stand in front of you at all times.

Number five, beak job.

Number four, put paper bag over ski mask.

Number three, shave head...

...tattoo Cindy Crawford's face on back of head...

...learn to walk backwards.

Number two, poke out eyes of every man on earth.

Number one, get president to make every day Halloween.

Yeah, I don't understand you, Al.

Although perhaps that's the fault...

...of that cow-sized tongue inside your peanut-sized head.

Hey, do I make fun of you?

Doesn't it bother you that your daughter and my husband...

...are living a soap opera romance?

No, Marcie.

But the difference between me and you, Marcie...

...outside the fact that my feet aren't a Chinese delicacy...

...is that I know the difference between fact and fiction.

Well, I'm glad you feel that way, Dad.

Because I was worried you might have a problem with this next commercial.

-Why? What's in this commercial? -Well, Mr. D'Arcy and Kelly have to--

-They have to kiss. -What?

I'll kill him first.

Dad, it's only a commercial. One that's gonna make us a lot of money.

Bud, there's some things more important than money.

Kelly's lips are never gonna go where Marcie's lips have been.

Yeah? Well, my Jefferson's lips are never gonna go...

...where everyone else's lips have already been.

That's right!

Hey, what are you hinting at?

I'll break it to you later. Now let's deal with this situation.

Oh, well, what are we worried about? Kelly will never go for this.

Hey, did you hear the good news?

We're gonna kiss on television.

Jefferson, honey, can I have a word with you...

...in our own kitchen by the recently sharpened knives?

-Goodbye, Lila. -Bye, Lance.

Kelly, we have to have a talk.

As her agent, I strongly advise my client not to listen to you.

Shut up or it's five across the eyes.

Kelly, I've given you good fatherly advice in the past.

Daddy, you have never given me fatherly advice.

Then here's some advice from someone 100 pounds heavier...

...with an eight-inch reach advantage. You are not kissing the neighbor.

Daddy, I am grown up. And you can't tell me what to do anymore, so:

Kelly, I know you're grown up even though you still live at home...

...and occasionally pick up the phone thinking it's the doorbell...

...but, sweetheart, look.

Why do you think I carry your baby picture in my wallet?

That's not me, Dad.

That's the picture that came with the wallet.

Hey, when I bought this wallet, I had a choice. A little boy or a little girl.

-I picked a little girl. She's symbolic. -She's Chinese, Dad.

That's what I was hoping you would be.

Daddy, I'm sorry I'm not Chinese. I didn't mean it.

Oh, sweetheart, all right. That's all right, now.

Daddy, what is really the problem?

Well, because I wanna keep you pure.

Well, we better call Mr. Peabody and the WABAC machine.

Daddy.

This commercial is just pretend.

And of course I'm gonna stay pure until I meet the right man.

In the meantime, why don't you come to the set tomorrow...

...and you'll see how innocent it is.

And if you don't like what you see, you know what you can do.

Beat everybody up?

You are my daddy.

Actors on the set for the reading.

So, what kind of kiss do you think it will be?

There's only one kind.

Man faces woman, closes his eyes...

...imagines he's with someone else, just like sex.

You truly are a Neanderthal.

I mean, there's all kinds of kisses. Open mouth, closed mouth, tongues.

Tongues?

The tongue has no place in passion.

Hey, excuse me, Mr. Director.

I'd like to talk to you about this kissing with tongues.

Wrong set. They're casting Show Boys down the hall.

No, no. Kelly's my daughter. I wanna make sure this kiss is quick and clean.

Oh, well, they're not going to kiss anymore. We did some research...

...and the audience felt that kissing after the third date was too '80s.

I'm glad this country has finally come to its senses.

So, what are you gonna have them do?

What's that bed for?

Oh, come on, Mr. Bundy. You're a married man.

Yeah?

What's that bed for?

We, in the business, call it sex.

I don't care what you call it. My daughter's not doing it.

Mr. Bundy, they're not really having sex.

In fact, the commercial takes place after sex, when they're having coffee.

How can someone drink coffee in their sleep?

I'll handle this, Magilla. Look...

...my husband is not having postcoital coffee with anyone.

I don't care how much you pay him.

How does $50,000 sound?

Quiet on the set.

-Dad, did you hear that? -I just still can't figure it out.

Sex, then coffee. It's just wrong.

Okay, I know you just got these new lines.

So we're gonna have a cold reading on set...

...and see what we've got.

Good morning, darling.

Wow, Lance, you sure fixed the squeak in my bed.

You're wonderful.

So the sex was good for you too, huh?

No, it was awful...

...but the coffee makes it all worthwhile.

Then you sip, and then you smile and then we're done.

Great. How do those lines feel?

-Brilliant. -Encore.

Problem over here. Look.

What exactly does she mean, "It was awful"?

-She means you're bad in bed. -I am not.

Okay, Lance is bad in bed.

You don't seem to understand.

To millions of women out there, I am Lance.

Okay? I can't have them thinking that I'm bad in bed.

Now, how about if I'm good, and she's bad?

That's the way it is in real life.

You're gonna have to rewrite this script, pal.

We can't do that. See, this commercial is geared towards women...

...and we all know they can never be satisfied.

-That's true. -That's true.

Which works for us. Because if men really were good in bed...

...women wouldn't need flavored coffee.

Look, pal, I'm a real man...

...and I can't pretend to be anything less.

Marcie, could I have a ride home?

Take the bus with the other real men.

Wait, Mr. D'Arcy. This happens to older married men all the time.

I've-- I've heard.

Well, that's a wrap.

Actors.

Maybe we should rethink this whole campaign.

I've got it.

Frogs. Coffee-drinking frogs.

Mr. Director, listen.

Before you go with frogs, hear me out.

Action.

Wow, Vance, you fixed the squeak in my bed. You're wonderful.

So the sex was-- What? What's the line?

Good for you.

So the sex was good for you?

No, it was awful.

But that's what makes the coffee all worthwhile.

Cut. Cut.

So the sex was good for you too, huh?

No, it was awful.

Cut. Cut. Thank you. That's enough.

I'm going home. Someone get me some frogs and some bourbon.

So the sex was good for you too?

No, it was awful.

But that's what makes the coffee all worthwhile.

Hey, how was that?

Great.

Let's try it again, Al.

So the sex was good for you too?

No, it was awful.

But that's what makes the coffee all worthwhile.

Well, that was good for me. Was that good for you, Al?