Original subtitles

The great thing about your mother being out of town...

...aside from the fact that she's not here...

...is the three of us get a chance to bond.

Dad, as long as we're bonding...

...you know, I'm going to be graduating from college soon...

-...and I got some pretty serious life-- -Bud, shut up.

Family Matters is on now.

If you got anything to learn about life you can learn it from Urkel...

...and his fat cop neighbor.

I hate this show.

How could you not love Urkel?

I mean, with his glasses and those pants and the suspenders.

Speaking of annoying neighbor boys in suspenders....

Everyone, I have great news that you will all want to hear--

Marcie got a promotion at the bank that will take her to Japan once a month.

Jefferson, you stole my thunder.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear. It won't happen again.

-Okay. I-- -She's gonna be vice president.

Vice president in charge of all transactions...

...between her branch and the home office in Japan.

-Are you finished? -Almost.

With her salary increase, she'll never have to worry about money again.

Well, you will if you don't shut up.

Guys, I'm just so happy for both of you.

What say we celebrate by you getting the hell out of here...

...and me watching my TV.

My treat.

Technically, I don't have the job yet.

So celebrating would be a bit premature.

You see, the bank president is flying all the way from Japan...

...to have dinner at my house tonight.

Now, once he approves of me, the job is as good as mine.

Oh, I love this show. That Urkel...

...what an actor.

See, Bud, I'm not alone.

No, as long as there's a sailor and an ice-cream cone...

...you'll never be alone.

So, Al, the reason that I'm here is that I need your help...

...with just one little thing to make tonight's dinner perfect.

I need you to leave the neighborhood.

You see, I don't want my boss to be repulsed by you...

...and your children. No offense.

None taken.

So you'll do it?

I meant none taken...

...yet.

All right, Al. What's your price?

One night, all expenses paid...

...in a Howard Boman's Motor Lodge.

Oh, Hobo's.

Where every bed is shaped like a boxcar.

Or so I hear from my slutty friends who go there all the time.

Not me.

We also want passes...

...to the Hobo's Friday's all-you-can-eat clam buffet.

Well, Al, you drive a hard bargain and a rusty Dodge.

But I think I can spring for 5 more dollars. Live it up.

So, Mr. Shimokawa, did you like the sushi?

It was wonderful. Thank you.

How original, serving sushi to a Japanese man in America.

It's like Gilligan getting off the island and being offered a coconut.

You know...

...I find the Japanese culture to be fascinating.

I mean, the art, the literature. I just loved The Joy Luck Club.

That was Chinese.

Well, the Kamasutra.

That is Indian.

In my country, this man would be filling water glasses at Denny's.

So now that we've finished with dinner, can I offer you some--?

Let me guess. Tea.

--tea?

Would you like something in it? Milk? Sugar?

Whiskey.

Now, who could that be?

Please let it be Domino's. I'd kill for a pizza.

Look, honey, it's our favorite neighbors: the Bundys.

Kelly, Bud, Peggy, Al.

Mr. Shimokawa, this is Al Bundy, an Acura salesman.

Peggy, his wife, a homemaker.

Their son, Bud, who's home from medical school...

...and their daughter, Kelly, who's a violin prodigy.

This isn't too patronizing.

I just wanted to thank you again, Marcie san...

...for the home loan you got for us.

She is truly the Japanese businessman's best friend.

Well, thanks, Bundys, for stopping by.

Mrs. D'Arcy, I had a wonderful time, but I must really be going.

To a liquor store.

Oh, no, no, no. No, you can't go yet.

The best is just ahead.

Oh, good. They're going to hang themselves.

Karaoke.

Oh, no. I'm going to hang myself.

If only I could forget.

The job is mine. I can feel it.

What was that?

-Nothing. -No, that was not nothing.

That was a 1971 Dodge.

The one I need to complete my collection.

Oh, you collect classic American cars?

No, I collect classic American junk.

Yes, I have a Gremlin and a Pacer...

...an old yellow school bus with no brakes or no seat belts.

I have everything except that one.

That is real junk.

Mrs. D'Arcy, the car's very important to me. I must have it.

Well, don't you worry, Mr. Shimokawa, I'll take care of everything...

...and I'll even leave my Jefferson here to entertain you.

Clam me, Bud.

Hey.

Here are the rest of the Hobo's clams from the trunk.

The corn's keeping warm in the muffler.

What are you people doing here? I bought you a room.

They kicked us out.

And I have a good mind to sue them for false advertising.

That sign clearly said "all the clams you could eat"...

...not "all the clams you can eat right now."

So how are things going with your boss?

Oh, great, great. Just great. Until you three Mothra'd on home.

As it turns out Mr. Shimokawa collects junk cars and he wants to buy yours.

I don't have any junk cars. All I have is the Dodge.

-You don't mean-- -Oh, come on, Al.

He'll probably offer you twice what it's worth.

I mean, you might even get $50.

Well, Marcie, me and that Dodge have been together a long time.

Well, so have you and your hair, but you got rid of that.

Way to bargain, Marce.

I love that car more than anything that I have.

Dad, what about us?

You need a Q-Tip?

Marcie, like I said before, I'm not selling that car.

Especially not to some Japanese bigwig...

...who gets rich by flooding our market...

...with fuel-efficient affordable cars...

...that don't fold up like a tin can on a front-end collision.

Like that's important.

And all the while they're buying up all our American classics.

Please, Al, my job is on the line.

Oh, well, that changes nothing.

I'm not selling that car to your boss.

That car was born a Bundy. By God, it will die a Bundy.

More than life itself.

Mrs. D'Arcy. So did you get my Dodge?

You know, his price was too high. Isn't that just like the poor?

Always trying to take advantage of the rich.

God, I hate them. So I tell you what we're going to do.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna take you down to a dealership...

...and we're going to get you a better one.

Do you not realize how rare those Dodges are today?

I mean, half of them were recalled.

The other half dissolved in the rain.

This may be the only one left.

Well, Mr. Shimokawa, I just don't think he wants to sell.

Bottom line, Mrs. D'Arcy, you will get me that Dodge...

...or I will get me a new vice president for my bank.

So, Al, to thank you for being so understanding about my boss...

...I thought it only right to treat you to dinner and a show.

Mrs. D'Arcy, I thought, as a feminist, you wouldn't like places like this.

Oh, no, no, no.

Feminism is about protecting a woman's rights in the workplace.

Now, where that workplace happens to be is none of my concern.

Lap dance?

Split, bitch.

So, Al, let's talk about your future.

Sure, you're making tens of dollars now...

...but you can't work forever.

And somehow I seriously doubt...

...that your children will be there to support you.

Move into my parents' basement with me, babe.

We'll live on love.

Well, that and welfare.

So it occurs to me that you could use a nest egg.

Say, somewhere in the neighborhood of $3000?

-Marcie, the car's not for sale. -Oh, come on, Al.

You know that car's not worth $3000.

Why are you being such an ass-- Astoundingly stubborn human?

Marcie, see. It's a-- It's a man's thing.

Unlike you leg-shavers, we men-- We men like our things broken in.

You know, old things. Old tennis shoes, old filthy jeans.

A 30-year-old toothbrush with chunkets of Reggie bar in them.

See, now, the Dodge is like that.

Dodge is just like that.

Over the years, I molded that car...

...to fit every nook and cranny of my body.

And I tell you the truth, I don't have the life left over...

...to break in another car. So my answer still must be:

What was I saying?

Never mind. You, Al Bundy, are a pig.

I repeat, a pig.

We're leaving. Jefferson?

-Jefferson, we're going home. -Why? What's wrong?

Because I can't stand another minute in this hideous, horrible--

Oh, Mr. Shimokawa.

What brings you to the Jiggly Room?

Quite honestly, the jiggly.

So, Mrs. D'Arcy, did you secure my Dodge?

Well, yes-- Well, no.

Actually, I'm still negotiating.

You see, my husband wasn't feeling very well, and--

How can I trust you to negotiate banking deals...

...when you can't even buy a rusting hunk from a rusting shoe salesman?

I can see everything with my x-ray onion eyeglasses.

Please, Mr. Shimokawa, give me another chance.

I will find his price.

Five thousand dollars.

No.

Seventy-five hundred.

No.

-Ten thousand? -No.

Hello, Officer Dan. What can I do for you?

We got a call about an indecent sex act.

I assure you I have no indecent sex act in my establishment.

Then get one.

We didn't ditch that drug stakeout for nothing.

Al, I don't understand you.

You have turned down $10,000.

Now, that is more money than you would make...

...if you live to be 10,000.

Marcie, it's not the money, it's the sentiment.

All right, what is the sentimental value?

-Twenty thousand. -Twenty thousand?

-That is ridiculous-- -My car.

All right. I'll ask.

Don't you think $20,000 is a little much to ask...

...for a car that's made mostly of string and paper?

Son, I've got Marcie exactly where I want her.

Dad, at the risk of sugarcoating this...

...I'll just say that when it comes to finances, you're an idiot.

All right. All right. You got your 20 grand.

Daddy.

-Do we have a deal? -Yes...

...on one condition.

Well, Mr. Shimokawa, you got yourself a car.

I told Mrs. D'Arcy every man has his price.

We do. Just like every woman has hers.

Well, good news, Mr. Shimokawa. You got your car.

And the job is yours, Mrs. D'Arcy.

Because of my great negotiating skills?

No, because you know how to shake it, baby.

Well, in that case, consider this my resignation.

Isn't this nice?

Quiet evening alone with my loved ones.

Oh, Daddy, that's so sweet.

Oh, don't gush it up. He's talking about his clams.

In other news, the president of the largest bank in Japan...

...was arrested yesterday for starting a riot in a Chicago nudie bar.

At least Mrs. D'Arcy didn't get demoted to drive-up teller this time.

Yeah, but now she's the ATM beeper.

What's that?

You know when you punch in your code and it goes...?

-Yeah? -Yeah, that's her.

Daddy, I'm sorry you didn't get your money for your car.

-I got my clams. -Yeah.

Dig in.

In other news, a rare strain of botulism was discovered and traced back...

...to the all-you-can-eat clam night at the Chicago's Hobo's Motor Lodge.

Fortunately, most of the tainted shellfish was stolen...

...by a family of homeless thieves living in a Dodge.