Original subtitles

Previously on Married With Children:

Bud and his frat brothers had tickets to spring break.

Kelly and her girlfriends tricked them out of their tickets to Fort Lauderdale.

Kelly's running for Miss Spring Break. Jefferson is one of the judges.

Al and Griff didn't need much convincing to join Jefferson.

Which inspired Marcie, Bud and his cool friends to head south.

Road trip.

Destination, Fort Lauderdale.

So now thanks to state-of-the-art graphics...

...courtesy of Columbia Pictures Television.

Let's rejoin Married With Children.

Will you idiots shut up?

Sorry, Mrs. D'Arcy, we're just trying to take our minds off...

...what Kelly and the easy riders did to us.

Well, it's a long drive to Fort Lauderdale.

So I suggest that you enjoy the beauty...

...of this great country of ours.

Thanks for the game of chicken.

See you guys at the hot tub.

-All right. -All right.

Gentlemen, is this not the greatest day...

...of our shoulders, necks and backs?

This is the life.

A vacation paid for with money from a fraternity-scholarship fund.

It doesn't get any better than this.

It just did.

Here you go, gents. Compliments of the girls in the hot tub.

Hi there.

And here you go, miss.

Compliments of some needy kid's education.

Now, see, that's my idea of marriage.

A gorgeous girl keeps me buzzed all the time while the wife's out of town.

That settles it.

Al Bundy is moving to Fort Lauderdale.

That's a nice fantasy, Al. But what about your job?

Well, I'll just get some other profession. I'll....

Here, I'll sell cans.

I'll make more money selling cans than I ever made selling shoes.

You couldn't make less.

Hey, guys, I say we go up to our suite, slap on a little more Hai Karate...

...and join the babes in the hot tub.

Hai Karate, the cologne that chicks just can't resist.

What's that funky smell?

It smells like geezer.

Hey, you guys, I'm starting to get a little nervous...

...about this pageant tomorrow.

I mean, I've never been in one that turned out to be real.

Kelly, the key is to impress the judges.

Okay, first you walk prim and proper down the runway...

...to show the judges that you have class...

...and then you shake your money maker to get their votes.

Okay, then what?

Talent.

I suggest how many licks of a Tootsie Pop...

...does it take to make you Miss Spring Break.

This also works if you're ever pulled over for speeding.

Then they're gonna ask you some politically correct question.

You just answer, "I wanna save the earth and the ozone layer."

Okay. What's the ozone layer?

It's between the N-zone and the P-zone layer.

Yeah, we got to save that.

And the earth, too, because once the earth goes...

...the planet's gonna be next.

There's guys coming.

Well, howdy, folks.

Parley Wayne, at your service.

Hi. My German-luxury sedan is broken down...

...after running over one of your state birds...

...the possum.

I'll be needing a tow truck.

Well, hell, I'd like a tow truck too.

I'd also like a new wife and some more teeth.

Look, ZZ Top.

We have got to get to Florida.

You keep on calling me names and you just might land there.

Look, Mr. Wayne--

No. Parley Wayne is my first name.

Last name is Rockefeller.

I had to drop it though. I couldn't spell it.

Look, there's got to be a way out of here.

I mean, a car, bicycle...

...horse you're not dating at the moment.

-You know, I do have a truck for rent? -How much do you want?

A $1000 and leave the fat boy here.

That is an outrage.

Yeah, we don't have $1000.

The heck with him. We'll just walk to the next mechanic.

-Now, where would that be? -Memphis.

You know, I sure am gonna miss Hummer.

Yeah, but on the bright side...

...the back seat will no longer smell like Sweet Tarts.

You might remember me from Desert Storm.

I'm former-presidential hopeful, Colin Powell.

I was gonna throw my support behind you.

Well, you still can.

Jefferson, my life has never been better.

I already made 3 bucks collecting cans.

The babes don't realize that while I'm dancing, I'm working.

We are so cool.

-Excuse me, Kelly. -It's okay, Dad.

Pumpkin, what are you doing here?

I'm in the Miss Spring Break pageant. What are you doing here?

I live here.

Hey, Kelly, who are your dad's friends?

Well, we're Al's good buddies.

I'm Wesley Snipes.

And I'm...

...Woody Harrelson.

Oh, my God.

I loved you guys in White Men Can't Jump.

Oh, my God, isn't that George Clooney star of that hit TV show ER.

So, Daddy, are you gonna come see me in the pageant tomorrow?

No, Kelly, I'm not. No self-respecting can-man...

...would watch his only daughter be gawked at...

...by a bunch of drunken riffraff for cheap prizes.

It means $100,000 to us, Daddy.

Here, take some cans. Go buy yourself a bikini.

Man, you know, if I started this right out of high school...

...imagine how many cans I'd have by now.

What am I talking about? I don't need cans.

Once you win this pageant, I'm not gonna be Can-Man anymore.

I'm gonna be Hundred-Grand Man.

Well, Daddy, I feel good. I feel strong. I think I can win.

Daddy, you got to do something.

Kelly...

...we met the cutest lifeguards.

And they want to share a keg with us.

But only one because we're on duty.

Hey, how's it going, Can-Man?

Here. Just great.

Jefferson, I'm counting on you to vote for Kelly.

Yeah, you got my vote, Al. But there are five judges.

-She needs three votes to win. -So who are the judges?

A couple former pageant winners...

...and two of my fraternity brothers, Wong and DeAngelo.

Well, that's no problem. We slip them 50 each and Kelly's in.

Al, brothers Wong and DeAngelo are beyond reproach.

Beyond reproach and rounding second base.

Jefferson, you've got to name me and Griff as judges.

I don't know. The only way that can happen...

...is if two of the other judges became incapacitated.

You might remember me from TV.

I used to play Theo on The Cosby Show.

I love you.

I used to kiss the TV whenever you came on.

Theo...

...I need to talk to you, alone, right now.

Not now, Al, I'm with my number-one fan.

This involves 100,000 bucks.

Bye-bye.

Excuse us, gentlemen. Would you come here a second? Right this way, pal.

Thanks for coming back to get me, guys.

Actually, we just came back for gas...

...and you happen to be there pulling a plow.

Wearing a bridal veil.

It was hot out.

Will someone turn on the radio?

Jim Dixson reporting from the Miss Spring Break Pageant, Fort Lauderdale.

I'm with one of the judges. What is your name, sir?

Jefferson D'Arcy.

I'm single and free to mingle.

Welcome everyone to the 6th annual Miss Spring Break Contest.

Sponsored by the new children's breakfast cereal, Nothing But Sugar.

Now with Ritalin.

And I'm your MC, popular rock-TV VJ, star of three busted pilots for Fox...

...Dangerous Dan Inwood.

Thank you.

Before we bring out the babes, let's meet our judges.

Representing RTV are former Miss Spring Break winners...

...Missy Cameron and Tammy Grindstaff-Burke.

What was first prize back then, 100 grand worth of chocolate coins?

Our next judge, frat-boy extraordinaire:

Mr. Jefferson D'Arcy. And ladies, he's single.

Thank you.

Our next judge comes to us all the way from Taiwan...

...Mr. Miyagi Wong.

And our last judge, from Fire Island...

...an organizer of last year's, Gay Prance on Washington...

...Carmine "Cha-cha" DeAngelo.

Now, let's meet our five contestants.

Miss New York, Claudia Harrison.

Miss Atlanta, Scarlett Turner.

Miss Detroit, Marla Strong.

Miss Beverly Hills, Angela Cohen.

Well, she's got my vote.

Sorry, Al, it was a moment of weakness.

How much for a lap dance?

Hey.

And our final contestant, Miss Chicago, Kelly Bundy.

Go, Kelly. Go, Kelly. Go, Kelly.

All right.

Let's begin with the talent competition.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I direct your attention to the center stage...

...Miss Chicago will now blow a bubble.

And now, Miss Beverly Hills...

...will eat a banana.

Maybe she's got a cute brother, Cha-cha.

Okay, ladies, you've proven yourselves to be incredibly beautiful...

...as well as very talented.

So now let's see what you've got upstairs.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No. No. No, I mean, let's move...

...to the question-and-answer part of the competition.

We'll begin with you, Miss Detroit. Now, your question is:

"What would you do to end world hunger?"

I would tell the hungry people of the world...

...to take smaller bites and chew your food thoroughly.

That way, your food will last longer.

Now, Miss Chicago, your question is:

"What world leader do you most admire?"

I would like to save the earth and the ozone layer. Thank you.

No. Thank you.

Well, now, let's keep things bouncing with the swim suit competition.

We'll begin with Miss Beverly Hills.

Vote for me and I'll marry you.

Al, I'm voting for Angela, my new wife, and don't try to stop me.

Now, look what happened to you.

You see what you made me go and do?

I didn't want to do it.

And, now, this year's Miss Spring Break is...

...Kelly Bundy.

No more cans for me.

From now on, I just pick up champagne bottles.

And here to present you with your prize, TV heartthrob Joey Lawrence.

You know, Joey, without make up...

...you kind of look like my dorky brother, Bud.

I am Bud, you beach-blanket bimbo.

Yeah, you and the three slut-kateers thought you could just rip us off...

...and leave us freezing in Chicago?

Well, yeah.

Well, think again. No one plays Bud Bundy and gets away with it.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Could you cry about this later, Bud?

I'm about to be crowned Miss Spring Break.

So get off the stage so I can get my prize.

Okay, sure. I'd be happy to, but first...

...ladies and gentlemen, I want to apologize for taking up your time.

I, Joey Lawrence, would just like to congratulate you, Kelly Bundy...

...and judges Wong, DeAngelo and D'Arcy...

...otherwise known as her father, his shoe-selling sidekick...

...and our soon to be choked out next-door neighbor.

Is that better, Kel?

Well, I guess my brother, Martin Lawrence...

...has thanked just about everybody.

So I guess it's time for me to collect my prize...

...and sing my coronation song, right? Okay.

There they are. Let's get them.

Mr. Bundy, you're being charged with fraud and assault.

-Would you like a lawyer? -Do you know any that take cans?