Original subtitles

Previously on Married With Children:

The only time I got petted was when we were out of towels in the bathroom.

Also, Al got a satellite dish and tried to install it himself.

Watch it, now!

And proving once again that the nut doesn't fall far from his father...

...Bud decided to make an exercise video starring Kelly.

Raphael is the only star.

Well, if I am not the star, then I am walking.

However, Bud's biggest problem is...

...he borrowed money from a little man named Capone...

...who left a big man named Gino to see that the video is done by 5.

Yo, Gino!

And now, back to the adventures of...

...Lucky: The Hungriest Dog in the World.

Or as you humans call it, Married With Children.

Remember, Bud, 5:00.

Look, Gino...

...let's say I don't make the--

Cutoff point?

Look, let's just say--

What happens if I don't finish the video on time?

Vito said there was some kind of easy-payment plan?

It is easy. You don't pay us, we kill you.

It don't get no easier than that.

What do you got in there?

Vito said I had until 5. It's not 5:00 yet.

No! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

Take it easy, Spiel-bug.

I'm just checking my e-mail.

Oh, gee, a PowerBook?

I never thought computers were for--

Big, dumb thugs?

See, we use computers now because the family is very much into recycling.

Oh, you mean, like glass, papers, cans?

No. Body parts.

Say, for a hypothetical, it's 5:00...

...Vito walks in, he ain't got no tape.

So I look up in my PowerBook...

...and see that Jim in Jersey needs a spleen.

So we recycle your spleen into Jim.

Problem, solution.

Can I live without a spleen?

Perhaps, but little Joey in New Haven needs a brain.

Kelly, Raphael, it's showtime.

-Hi, Officer Dan. -Break a leg.

Ante up.

Peggy, thank you so much for having us over to watch...

-...our husbands fall off the roof. -Yeah, my Dan does so little work...

...around the house I never get to see him step on a nail...

...or accidentally shoot himself cleaning his gun, or anything.

Well, at least you get to see your husband's gun.

Okay, girls, now it's time to play Who's Next to Fall...

...where we will bet on which husband will fall next.

And where they'll land.

I'll take Al on the patio.

Bring a book.

Oh, I'll take Bob Rooney on the birdbath.

Give me Ike on the garden rake.

Okay, I'll take Officer Dan on Ike.

Ike got the garden rake. We have a winner!

Officer Dan on Ike. We have two winners!

Maybe I should just paint a target on my back the next time.

Hey, gentlemen! Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Now we've all hit the ground at least twice.

-Well, I haven't. -Well, give us a second.

All right, now.

Now that we've got that out of our systems.

-No more fooling around. -All right, all right. Let's see here.

I've got bracket S and washer T.

Hey, Dan, hand me screw U.

-What? -I said, screw U.

Up yours, you--

Hey, focus, gentlemen! Focus, focus.

Now, we've all got a job to do.

Well, I guess Al won't be needing this old antenna anymore.

Hey, wait, you can't tear that down.

This is the home of a future baby bird.

The only future for this baby is in an omelet for me.

You're making a big mistake, Bob Rooney.

You touch an egg...

...that makes the mama bird really mad.

Well, I don't see no mama bird around.

Maybe not...

...but there's a B-52 with a beak.

Hey! Hey! Put me down!

Let me go!

Who would have thought a bird could lift Bob Rooney 70 feet in the air?

Well, she won't make 100.

Oh, it's Bob Rooney on Griff.

Daily double.

Do you have "Mortal Kombat" in there?

Are you kidding? I got the highest score in the mob.

Gino, good news.

I can kill you now?

No, I meant good news for me. I patched things up...

-...between Kelly and Raphael. -How?

I did what any respectable director would do.

I lied to them and offered them points in the film.

-Net? -Of course.

Okay, guys.

If we're ready, everybody on their opening marks.

Places, babes.

Okay! Let's cue the music.

-Who brought the music? -I did.

Raphael did.

This isn't a problem.

I'm gonna listen to them both and choose the best one.

If you don't use my music, then I am walking.

If you don't use Raphael's music, he is walking.

And do not try to stop us.

Bud, I got good news.

You're gonna see Paris.

You're gonna send me to Paris?

No, just your eyes.

Look, guys, we said we'd give it a try.

Raphael, I promised you your name would come first...

...when I report him to the INS.

And, Kelly, I promised you a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Right next to Garfield, right?

Okay.

Raphael will do it, but he will not smile.

Okay. I will do it, and I will smile.

But when I am facing Raphael, I am going to stick out my tongue like this.

Okay, okay. Now, that we're all adults...

...can we please start this damn exercise video?

Kelly, you won the toss, we'll open the number with your music.

Okay, okay? Ready, and....

Cut! Cut! Cut!

Raphael.

What's the matter?

Raphael is much man.

He cannot work out to this noise.

He would much rather give CPR to Rosie O'Donell.

Fine. Then let's see what you have, munch man.

That is much man.

Not from here.

Okay, okay, okay. Fine.

Let's just dance to Raphael's music, okay?

Ready. Five, six, seven, eight.

All right, stop the music!

Cut!

Now what?

Is it just me or does anybody else here feel like sneaking into Canada...

...under the cover of darkness?

That is it.

We are walking.

So are Kelly.

Good teeth, Bud.

I like that in a dead guy.

Hey, Gino, how's the kid doing?

He's not that talented, Bebe, but he's got a lot of heart.

That's good, because I got a guy in Chattanooga that needs one.

Gino, you'll never guess what me and Vito did.

You're gonna love this.

Guys, can we just--?

Can we just, please, work together and decide on a song?

I mean, we're talking about something even more valuable than your pride.

My life.

Raphael would rather have you die a thousand deaths before he dances...

...to her trashy music.

Yeah? I would rather have him die a million deaths...

...before I dance to your coochie-hoochie music.

Then Raphael would rather beat him to death with his very own hands--

-I'd rather-- -Thank you, thank you!

Look, before my internal organs...

...absolutely, positively have to be there overnight...

...I just wanna say, I hate you both. Okay?

Kelly, you want to dance to your music? Fine.

Dance to your music.

And, Raphael, you can dance to your music. Here.

Okay. Okay, guys, you can kill me now.

But just do me one favor, okay?

Tell me where to stand so the bullet goes through them too.

-Not a problem. -It would be a pleasure.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. These musics sound good together.

I could dance to this.

Raphael could dance to this musics too.

Hold it. Hold the killing.

They're dancing.

-Damn. -Damn.

I can't believe those idiots still haven't got that satellite working.

And look at this reception. The more they try, the worse it gets.

Just like in bed.

Let's face it, girls, they are never gonna get that dish hooked up.

Man, this satellite dish is great.

Look at all these different channels. There's...

...the wrestling channel.

There's the oil-wrestling channel.

The mud-wrestling channel.

The violence channel.

And best of all, no wife channel.

The wives don't even realize we've got the dish hooked up.

What a bunch of fools, living down there, inside the house.

Hey. Hey, you know, Captain Kirk was wrong.

The final frontier isn't space. It's the roof.

All those years lying on my back staring at the ceiling...

...just praying my misery would go away...

...how could I know that my little bit of heaven...

...was a mere 10 feet above my head?

How's it coming, Al?

Oh, about five minutes, Peg.

And cut it.

Oh, that was beautiful.

Great job, Kelly.

Great job, Raphy baby.

I just love you babes.

Listen, when the dim blond and El Boy-o Loco leave...

...you guys stick around and we'll make us a real movie.

All right, that's a wrap.

Except for you chicks, who will soon be unwrapped.

Excuse me, but Raphael never leaves a shoot...

...until he is certain the director has featured his good buttock.

Whoa, there, stomach, settle down.

Well, since we finished an hour early...

...I guess we have time to replay my masterpiece.

Let's check it out.

Oh, man.

Hitchcock...

...if you have a free hand...

...would you mind rewinding the tape so that we can see me dancing?

Or Raphael dancing.

Gino, you'll never guess what me and Vito did.

You're gonna love this.

You remember Alderman Harris?

The guy that stiffed us for 20 G's?

Well, you know what our motto is.

He who stiffs us becomes one.

So Vito sends his kidneys to Texas.

-He killed him? -Not yet.

Bud, I'm starting to get the feeling that these guys may be, you know:

What, really annoying?

No. Mobsters.

Wise guys.

Jolly goodfellas.

Do you think, Kel?

If they find out we have this on tape...

...they will kill Raphael in such a way...

... that he cannot have an open-casket funeral.

Listen, we got one hour. All we have to do is edit out the incriminating stuff...

...before Vito gets here, and there's no problem.

Hey, Bud.

-Now there's a problem. -I know I'm a little early...

...but I couldn't wait to see the tape. Here, give me.

I would but....

Raphael, tell him why we can't give him the tape.

Oh, well, you see, because--

Kelly, why don't you tell them why we can't give the tape.

Because we recorded stuff about you sending the guy's kidneys to Texas.

Way to throw them off track, Kel.

Do them.

And when you're done, Bebe, do yourself.

Can do, boss.

Wait, wait, wait. Look, look, Mr. Capone.

Please, look, I can understand you wanting to kill us...

...but please spare my sister.

She's harmless.

I mean, she could never identify you.

She can't even grasp the concept of up and down.

Down yours, Bud.

Sorry, kid, but as they say in Hollywood...

...you'll never work in this town again.

Or any town.

Hold it, Capone! Police.

Put your guns down and your hands against the wall.

-Frisk them, Farrah. -You got it, Kate.

Come on, Jaclyn.

I'd thank you, but it's not proper for stars...

...to associate with background dancers.

Where could you have possibly concealed those weapons?

I touched you all over.

We know. That's why you're going to jail.

Soon you, too, will be touched all over.

Wait, wait! No!

Good neighbor. Good neighbor.

All right, lights out. Watch the news.

And in local news, three organized crime figures...

...whose names have been withheld to protect their privacy...

...were convicted of murder and racketeering...

..fined $10 and given 50 hours of community service.

In a related crime story...

...video director Bud Franklin Bundy...

...whose home address is available upon request...

...was the first man to be given a life sentence under the new...

..."one strike and you're out" sexual-harassment law.

Don't worry...

...I have corrupt friends downtown.

Let's go get him out.

Hey, wait, guys.

I see hooters.

Hooters, hooters, hooters!

Hooters, hooters, hooters!