Original subtitles

God, I love the girl in this commercial.

She almost makes me want to try those feminine hygiene products.

Why don't you start with a masculine hygiene product.

Like soap.

I just love the way she cartwheels up and down the beach in that bikini.

Now, that's bouncing.

I mean, that's-- That's acting.

Do you notice anything else about her?

Nope. Well, yeah, the product works.

She's not cranky.

But why should she be?

Her agent is out getting her jobs...

...while my agent is sitting here, lusting after girls in commercials.

Hey, I'm doing research, babe.

Then won't you be needing your blow-up assistant?

Look, Bud. You start getting me better parts...

...or I'm going to find somebody else who can, okay?

You can't threaten me.

What do you think? You think you're my only client?

Perhaps now isn't the best time to mention...

...I've left him for the William Morris agency.

Al, even though it only happens once every 10 years...

...why do you insist on dragging me along...

...when you buy new underwear?

Well, you're the one that's got to look at them when you wash them.

I don't look at them and I don't wash them.

I just dry them.

Well, I thought you liked shopping.

Well, I do. But for me.

And you promised we'd be home in time for Oprah.

Oh, and look. We missed the opening shot of the audience.

Well, you better hurry, Peg. You're a box and a half of bonbons behind.

You know how we can avoid all these problems?

Heartfelt handshake, we go our separate ways?

No. A satellite dish.

Fine, satellite dish, go our separate ways.

Al, don't you get it? If we had a satellite dish...

...then I could watch Oprah on East Coast or West Coast time...

...and I wouldn't be a slave to this Central Time schedule.

So you can fit Oprah into your busy schedule...

...of loaf, nibble, snore...

...watch, castrate husband...

...loaf, loaf, snore.

I knew you'd see it my way.

Peg, we got over 200 stations on this cable thing now...

...and all you do all day is watch TV.

If we had had the satellite dish, you'd watch TV all day and all night.

Let's do it, Peg.

You know, Ariel, when I saw you doing cartwheels in that bikini...

...I said to myself:

"Now, there is a girl with an enormous pair of talents...

...that could use-- Could use better representation."

Do you really think so?

Oh, my God. They talk.

I mean, yeah. That's-- That's why I brought you over here.

See, I think it's time you signed with a successful agent...

...who'll send your career to the next level.

It's tempting...

...but if you're so successful...

...why is your office in your parents' house?

I cut down on overhead.

See, that way, I can plow all my profits back to where they should go:

Gifts for you.

Bud, you seem so honest and sincere.

What do you say we set up a trial arrangement...

...see how things go, and seal the deal with some sex?

See--

See, what I had in mind....

What?

Now, are you sure you're good?

Oh, baby, you're gonna know in about two minutes.

Bud, you are the worst agent in the entire world...

...and the state of Chicago.

-Kelly? -How could you send me out...

...on a Depend commercial?

You told me that it was for lingerie.

It is.

It's lingerie that...

...absorbs accidents.

Bud, you are fired.

I'm going to find myself a real agent.

I wonder who represents Pocahontas. She's in everything.

So where were we?

You were about to go to the refrigerator to get some ice.

Ice?

-What for? -Your black eye.

You just-- You just ruined the best two minutes of your life.

Boy, is he a train to nowhere.

Peggy...

...I can't believe...

...you convinced Al to spend $700 on a satellite dish...

...when he won't even shell out 3 bucks for deodorant.

Well, in Al's defense...

...unlike deodorant, there's actually a shot he might use the satellite.

Oh, Marcy, look at this.

Look at all the Oprah specials you can get on satellite.

The Making of Oprah.

Baking With Oprah.

The Pre-Oprah Show-prah.

Hey, Peg.

Peg.

I was on my way to the store, I said:

"What am I going to spend $700 for on a thing I can get for $23.95...

...at Crazy Achmed's?"

And Achmed throws in all the roasted goat you can eat.

No dinner for me tonight, Peg.

Yeah, like you were going to get some.

Back at you, Peg.

Are you sure that's the same quality satellite as everyone else is selling?

That's why they call him crazy.

Well, that, and because he also sells plutonium.

Actually, I don't care where you bought it...

...as long as the installer hooks it up in time for...

...Andrew Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Oprah.

That's the other great news, Peg.

Achmed convinced you that even a shoe salesman can install it?

He didn't have to. It says that right here on the box.

Well, I'm going to go set up the ladder.

I'm going to set up the funeral.

What are you two laughing about?

You don't think we can get it up?

Scoff all you want, Peg.

But in five minutes, when I install this dish...

...then you'll be nagging out of the other side of that couch, Peg.

Five minutes, Peg.

Jefferson, here we go.

Come on. Come on.

This is going to be so much fun. I feel like a kid at Christmas.

Yeah, well, get ready to open your present.

Five...

...four...

-...three-- -Watch it, Jefferson!

A little early.

-Five minutes, Peg. -Al, I'm slipping!

Well, we did it. We did it.

You actually installed the dish?

No, we actually opened the box.

Yeah, we showed those five heavy staples not to mess with real men.

What's Dumber doing?

He's up there laying the pieces out.

Is that such a good idea on a pitched roof?

Marcy, I'm sure Al knows what he's doing.

Hey, Al! Is everything okay up there?

-Never better. Watch it. -See what I--

Jefferson?

Jefferson, I heard a shattering sound. Did the dish break?

No. That was my skull!

Good. Walk it off and Frisbee the dish back up here.

Sorry, Al.

Mr. D'Arcy, I need some advice.

Kelly fired me as her agent.

If I don't get her back, I'll have to go and get a real job.

This is an emergency.

I'm slipping, Jefferson. Help me, buddy.

Look, Bud, today's agent succeeds by ripping off what's hot.

So you got to create your own project and hire Kelly to star in it.

Help me. Help me.

Create my own project. Now, that's a good idea.

But what kind of--? What kind of projects?

Jefferson. Jefferson. I can't feel your hands.

Well, let me think. Something-- Something sexy, something sleazy.

Something I would buy.

Hey, hey, hey. I got it, I got it.

A workout video full of gorgeous babes jumping up and down.

A workout video? That's perfect.

I'll have Kelly do an exercise video.

Yeah, that would work.

Jefferson. Jefferson.

I'm hanging by my chin here!

All right. I'm gonna go to the bank right now and get a loan.

Thanks so much, Mr. D'Arcy.

Hey, if I'm one thing, I'm always there for my friends.

What are Shemp and Curly doing now?

They're measuring the roof.

Okay, Al, I've got the end of the tape. Now, how far to the edge?

Four feet.

Five feet.

Six feet!

Five and a half feet.

Where are you, Al?

I'm right here, Jefferson.

Five more minutes, Al?

At the outside, Peg.

Well, listen. We're about to put up the electrical wiring.

So whatever you do, do not watch the TV. Don't turn it on, Peg.

Okay, Al.

I can't believe it. Every single bank in Chicago turned me down.

So my faxes got through.

The guy on TV looks just like Dad.

Except this guy's on fire.

Oh, that's cool.

And now a word from our sponsor.

I'm Vito Capone. No relation.

If you're a worthless bum...

...who's been turned down by every bank...

...then catch the bus or have your mommy drive you down to Moneyland.

We turn down no one.

So come on by.

We're conveniently located in the trunk of my car.

So call 1-500-HORSEHEAD.

Horsehead.

Well, Bud, like so many women have told you before...

...I have found somebody better.

I'm signing with a new agent.

He represents the Bay City Rollers...

...Milli Vanilli...

...the entire Buttafuoco family.

Except Joey.

Oh, that's too bad, Kel.

Just when I needed someone to be in my new workout video...

...that I'm producing and directing.

Who, oh, who will I ever get to star in it?

Me, me, me!

Oh, but dash it all, I don't represent you anymore.

I could re-sign.

Kel, you have made an excellent decision.

As your agent, I'll work hard...

...because opportunities like this just don't drop out of the sky.

Hi, Mr. Bundy.

Hey, babes.

Is it...?

Is it cool in here or is it me?

It's me.

It's definitely you.

What are these people doing?

Kelly, they're background dancercisers.

Thanks for the gift.

No one's ever given me panties filled with potpourri before.

Where did you find them?

-In the lingerie department at-- -Oh, not the panties, you idiot.

-The girls. -They found me.

When word got out there was a Bud Bundy-Moneyland co-production...

...they just came running.

Yeah, but I'm still the star, right?

Would your agent lie to you?

Hello, Mr. Director.

I'm ready for my video.

What is he talking about?

You did an excellent job...

...casting women who will look longingly at my buttocks...

...as I stretch and bend.

Excuse us, uno pimento.

Okay, who's the Irish guy, huh?

You mean Raphael?

He's another background dancer.

Kelly, I just got him so he could appeal to the women.

Really?

Would your director lie to you?

Excuse me. Mr. Scorsese?

Just call me by my nickname, Bud Bundy. Everybody calls me that.

Who is the natural blond?

I don't see one.

That one.

The one who is rudely avoiding the temptation to stare at me.

Her? That's--

That's Kelly. She's a dancer. She's nothing. She's garbage.

I just got her so she could appeal to the men.

Just as long as everyone knows that Raphael is the star.

Would your producer lie to you?

Bud.

-Mr. Capone. -Hey.

Welcome.

Nice.

And this is my sister, Kelly, the collateral we spoke of.

-And that, there, is Rafael. -You did a good job, Bud.

-This video will make us a lot of money. -Yeah, you think so?

Would a guy who holds your life in his hands lie to you?

-Good point. -So I can expect my video at 5:00?

-I'd stake my life on it. -Oh, so you read the contract.

What do you mean that you're the star?

Bud told me that I was the star.

That's funny. Bud told me you were garbage.

Raphael is the only star.

Well, if I am not the star, then I am walking.

Oh, yeah? Well, either if Raphael is not the star, he is walking.

Do not try and stop him.

Don't worry. They'll come around.

You know how temperamental actors are.

It may be a week. May be-- May be a month.

You have until 5.

You got a great sense of humor, Mr. Capone.

Yes, I do, Bud. Unfortunately...

...Gino, who I'm leaving here to see you're on time...

...has no sense of humor whatsoever. Yo, Gino!