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Let's go! Come on!

Come on. Yeah!

- Let's go! - Let's go! Let's go!

Come on!

You must realize, Bosley, your wife is one of the most neurotic women

I've ever examined.

I still think a few more months in the sanitarium would be helpful.

It may be too early to trust her in her natural environment.

Oh, doc, be optimistic.

Peggy's breakdown is part of the past now.

I don't want her in another mental hospital.

I want her home with me and the kids.

Dr. Evans, the road to mental health is just around the corner.

- Come on! - Come on! Yeah!

I knew they'd try it!

Trying to kill me in my own home!

It's like war.

Don't tell me I don't know what Vietnam is like.

Brats! Brats! Brats!

Oh, mom.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Gravel.

I'll pay for the window out of my allowance.

How about my life?

Do you get enough allowance to pay for that?

I know you were trying to kill me!

What's the matter with the courts?

Do they allow this lawlessness and malicious destruction

of property to run rampant?

I hate the Supreme Court!

Oh, God. God...

Go home to your mother!

Doesn't she ever watch you?

Tell her this isn't some communist day care center!

Tell your mother I hate her!

Tell your mother I hate you!

Oh, oh, God! Oh. Oh. Oh.

Hello? What number are you calling?

You've dialed the wrong number!

Sorry? What good is that?

How can you ever repay the 30 seconds you have stolen from my life?

I hate you, your husband, your children

and your relatives!

Oh, God! God! God!

What have I done to deserve this?

Miss Gravel, what's the matter? Are you having another fit?

Can't my husband watch the children?

Can't that lazy moron do one thing?

The kids are just outside. They're okay.

Let me get you some of your fit medicine.

Grizelda, my life is in danger.

Please don't let anybody hurt me.

Aw, there, there. You've gotta keep calm, woman.

- You're just imagining things. - That's what you think.

One of the neighborhood children just tried to murder me.

I was sitting in my room, applying nail polish

and one of them fired a rifle at me.

- Oh, Miss Gravel. - It's true.

I must get the children before they're kidnapped.

Good God Almighty.

Beth? Bosley Jr.?

Breathe in. Do it again.

Now let me do it.

Breathe in. Again.

Sodomites!

Caught right in a sex orgy!

Filthy!

Dirty, filthy!

Is that what you learned in private school?

Mom, we were only playing! We're only play...

Oh, nude! Nude! Nude!

You could be pregnant, Beth!

And as for you,

I never thought you would rape your own sister!

Oh, God! The children are having sex!

Peggy? Peggy?

Thirsty, Grizelda?

You'd better go see about your wife.

She's having another mental fit.

I thought you'd been stealing my liquor.

Ain't nobody stealing nothing from you, Mr. Gravel.

We'll see about that.

You didn't know I marked these, did you?

Here. Look here. See this pencil line?

That was marked just yesterday.

You've had quite a few cocktails, haven't you, Grizelda?

What else have you pilfered?

- I'll have a look in that purse. - You ain't looking in my purse.

Why not? Got something to hide?

Don't you know men aren't supposed to look in a lady's handbag?

Lady? You're fired, Grizelda.

No wonder you people are always in the unemployment line.

Now give me that bag!

I don't want no white man looking at my Tampax!

I wouldn't worry about your Tampax if I were you.

Well, look at this.

My savings account book with withdrawal slips.

My lottery ticket.

And two rolls of toilet paper.

I'm placing you under citizen's arrest.

I'm gonna call the police and report you.

Get off of me, milkhead!

Well, I see you're finally here.

It's a little late, isn't it?

The children are having sex.

Beth is pregnant.

I narrowly missed an assassination attempt a few moments ago.

Will you please do something?

Oh, honey, it's just your mind playing tricks.

Oh, get off me.

My skin crawls when you touch it.

I could rip your lips off!

Oh, that miserable man.

When I think of the abuse

- that I have taken... - Peggy. Peggy.

Am I living in hell?

Is that it? Have I gone straight to hell?

Don't leave this kitchen, Grizelda.

I'm going to give Peggy her medication

and then I'll be back to deal with you.

Peg?

Get out!

Let's have a little medication, all right?

You're just upset. Now, what's the matter?

Everything was going so well.

Get out of here, you stinking piece of flesh!

Don't say those things, Peggy.

Come on. This will make you feel better.

- Give me your arm. - Oh, you touched me!

Now my flesh is rotting.

The touch of scum!

Stop it, Peggy.

Don't make me use force.

Let me give you your shot, or I'll call the hospital.

- Stay away! - Oh, God!

Peggy, I'm going to have to commit you again!

Just try it!

Ah!

Oh, oh...

Help!

Grizelda, he's trying to kill me!

Help!

Someone please help me. Help me! Please help me!

- Back off, asshole! - Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Are you all right, Mrs. Gravel?

Did he hurt you?

No, but he tried.

Look! Look, he's attacking!

Down, boy! Down! Down! Down!

Down, down, down, down, down, down!

Down, down.

Oh. Oh, God! Oh. Oh!

He's-- He's dead, isn't he?

- Oh! - Damn. Oh!

We're in big trouble now, Mrs. Gravel!

Oh, my God!

He's dead! Oh, God!

Oh! Oh, God!

Hurry!

Why did you tell me to come this way, Grizelda?

You know I hate nature.

Look at those disgusting trees, stealing my oxygen.

Oh, I can't stand this scenery another minute.

All natural forests should be turned into housing developments.

I want cement covering every blade of grass in this nation.

Don't we taxpayers have a voice anymore?

Do you ever shut up?

The police are out looking for us, you know.

We're gonna camp out here overnight.

Camp out? Oh, not me.

Now, you listen to me, Ms. Peggy Gravel.

You better calm yourself down before I haul off and smack you

upside your wide, wide head.

We killed your husband and I ain't your maid anymore, bitch.

I'm your sister in crime.

- Please, don't sit on me. - Oh!

Uh-oh, here come the honkers already.

Okay, witches. Up against the car. Arms up on the car.

One false move and your head will be flying through them trees.

What is this? Are you kidding me?

Does it looking like I'm kidding, Mau Mau?

Officer, I am an outpatient from the hospital

and I'm very prone to anxiety attacks.

So please treat me with therapeutic courtesy.

Ha! I know who you are.

There's an all-points bulletin out for both of you.

You're Peggy Gravel and you killed your husband.

Why, that's preposterous!

We were about to have a picnic.

Don't give me that shit. You're trying to escape to Mortville.

I've never heard of no town called Mortville.

Well, you should have. You belong there.

It's a special town for people like you two.

People who should be so embarrassed by what they've done.

I just might let you go there.

That is if you cooperate.

What do we have to do for you, Sheriff Shit Face?

Sit on that car hood, you'll see.

I've got something to show you first.

You like lingerie?

How do you like these little numbers?

I sent away to 'em from Frederick's.

They was expensive.

I love the feel of cold nylon on my big butt.

Will you please stop it?

I have never found the antics of deviants

to be one bit amusing.

What I like best is a French kiss

when I'm all dressed.

Don't expect no kiss from me, Liverlips.

Come, on. Take off your underpants. Hand 'em over.

I knew cops was sick, but...

Ah! These are big ones.

A little plain for my taste.

Now, I think I'll slip 'em on.

How does that look? Pretty sexy, huh?

Now, how about that kiss?

If I kiss you, will you let us go?

You bet. I want a real wet one now.

Goddamn gum.

Now, that was a real soul kiss.

Okay, buster, you've had your fun.

Now, which way to Mortville?

I ain't through yet.

Mrs. Gravel, I'd like to examine your underpants.

I will not!

I thought you wanted to go to Mortville.

They let killers live there scot-free.

I have never been so mortified in my entire life.

Here, Blossom.

Mm, that's more like it. Ah, these are from Bloomingdales.

You've got good taste.

I think I'll try to fit my big business into them.

Ooh, ooh! They're tight, but they sure feel good.

Now, do I get my little kiss-kiss?

No! Please, not a kiss. I swear I'll gag.

Mount me if you must, but not a kiss!

Come on, now, I'm all dressed up in my pretty underthings

and I need a little lip suction.

And now for that mouth.

No.

I'd like to stick my whole head in your mouth

and let you suck out my eyeballs.

I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?

What are you hogs looking at? The show's over! Beat it!

Mortville is up that way!

Follow that dirt road.

Go ahead before I haul your ass to jail!

I'll take a slice, please.

You want lemon meringue or chocolate?

- Chocolate, honey. - Okay.

Oh, shut up, asshole.

That'll be ten cents.

Could you recommend a rooming house where we could spend the night?

I don't think I like it here.

It's filthy and the people are repulsive.

We have no choice, Peggy, and it's better than jail.

I'll tell you, Grizelda, there is something wrong here.

Look around you.

It's a village of idiots.

Somebody help me.

Can't you act normal?

Just act normal for a change.

Please. There must be a Quality Court or something.

I can't go in that hog pen.

Oh, shut up.

Oh!

- Can I help you? - We were raped.

- Please, give us shelter. - You were raped?

Look, don't pay no attention to her.

- We need to rent a room. - You got money on you?

I am a very wealthy woman.

Yeah, and I'm Cybill Shepherd.

Come on in here. We might work something out.

That is, if you got money.

My name's Mole, Mole McHenry.

I'm Peggy Gravel. It's nice to meet you.

I'm Grizelda, Grizelda Brown.

I'm Peggy's psychiatric nurse.

Room's out back.

Nothing fancy, but it's a roof over your head.

Come on, I'll show you.

Shh! My girlfriend's sleeping.

Yeah, you're lucky it's empty.

My last tenant shot himself in here last night.

That dumb fuck left a mess everywhere.

Oh!

Ah, damn! It stinks in here.

What do you think? Do you want it or not?

Will he be removed?

Yeah, I'll get the stiff outta here,

but don't think I got time for all the chores in the world.

No linens until I soak these in cold water.

And we ain't got no toilets in Mortville.

How do we...

I guess you'll just have to use your imagination.

I see. I see.

How much cash you got? Give me that!

Six bucks. Hey, you are a rich one.

A lottery ticket. Well, I'll take that and I'll win it.

What's this? A bank book?

A lot of good that'll do you here.

There-- There aren't any banks in Mortville?

There ain't nothin' here, lady.

Nobody's got one red cent in Mortville,

except for that queen.

The queen? Can she help us?

You got a lot to learn about living in Mortville.

I think we'd like to take the room.

It's all yours, sweetheart.

- You hungry? - Yeah.

I think I'm gonna eat myself some chow and I got a little extra.

Looks like you got a big appetite.

I'd be happy to help with the preparation.

Well, this one takes the cake.

You both sure are ugly bitches.

Go on, sit down.

Hey, Muffy. We got company.

We really hadn't planned on coming here.

We're from the Guilford neighborhood in Baltimore.

I been to Baltimore a few times.

Bumburg, I hate it.

All them hillbilly fucks looking at you.

Well, if you want to know the truth,

we had no choice but to come to Mortville.

We're in a lot of trouble.

You see, I'm quite prominent and we accidentally

killed my husband.

I don't care what you did.

Nobody's in Mortville for a vacation.

We all did something, or we wouldn't be here in the first place.

Dinner's served.

I'm really not that hungry.

I invited you to dinner, and you accepted.

Now, you'll eat this if I have to jam it down your throat.

Muffy, I called you to dinner.

Do I have to come in there and smack you?

You don't have to shout the house down. I heard you alright already.

This is my girlfriend Muffy St. Jacques.

The most beautiful woman in all of Mortville.

Hi.

This is Grizelda and...

I forget your name.

Peggy, Peggy Gravel. It's a pleasure.

We rent the room out back, so I guess we'll be neighbors.

Oh, really?

Well, I sleep in the room right next to you. Naked.

You're five minutes late for dinner, Muffy.

Don't you remember our little talk about your laziness?

I was having an erotic dream.

I warned you about thinking about men before your afternoon nap.

Dirty thoughts about dirty men bring on dirty dreams,

and you're a dirty girl, Muffy.

Mole, I can't help what I think about.

After all, it's not my fault Mr. Sandman is not a bulldozer like you.

I'm warning you, Muffy.

Mole, sometimes I need a man.

I'm a man, Muffy.

A man trapped in a woman's body.

Yeah, Mole, but you don't have the same big deal.

Take it back!

Ow! Take it out! It hurts!

Take back what you said to me!

Okay, Mole, you're the only one. I love you. You're my man.

I'm only queer for...

That's better.

You see, Muffy knows how I feel about men.

I'm not one to be pushed over my limit.

That hurt!

Go! Come on, come on.

There they are. Don't move, scags.

You're both under arrest by the order of Queen Carlotta.

Anything you say could put you in front of the firing squad.

Take it easy! We ain't fighting you!

Help us! Please, help us!

Oh, don't worry. Standard procedure in Mortville.

Officer, would you like a cup of gin or something?

Stay back, peasant woman!

Oh! Oh.

Right up here. Right there.

Hold it right there.

Right there. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on, you fatso.

Get up in there.

Oh, Peggy.

Peggy. Peggy.

Oh, Grizelda, I can't.

Oh, Peggy. Peggy.

- Let's go! Come on! - Get out of there. Let's go.

- Come on. Come on. - Let's go.

Come on, get up there. Let's go.

Come on! Move it!

Come on!

Hey, boys, look what I brought!

Move it!

We brought you some fresh meat.

Fresh meat.

Get on your knees where you belong.

We got something good for you this time, girl.

Don't be crying, crybaby. Daddy's not going to leave you now.

Asshole. Asshole.

Her Majesty, the Honorable Queen Carlotta of Mortville.

Welcome to Mortville, ladies.

I read in the big city papers

that you are wanted for murder.

The murder of a certain Mr. Bosley Gravel.

- We only-- - You are interrupting my flow of power!

Give these peasants a little dinner, Lieutenant Wilson.

I bet they're hungry after a long day of breakin' laws.

- Here. Nice live roaches. - Oh, no. No.

Come on, eat these fucking things!

Come on, eat 'em! Eat 'em.

Eat 'em, goddamn it! Eat 'em.

Eat these things! Eat these roaches!

Plenty left for you too, honey. Come on, eat 'em! Eat 'em.

Swallow those goddamn things. Eat 'em!

Now listen to me, riffraff.

Every word I ever utter

is to be taken as a direct royal proclamation or face death

by the firing squad.

Yes, Ma'am.

"Ma'am?" I'm your Royal Highness

and I demand that you address me as such!

Yes, Your Royal Highness.

Let's show them we're not kidding.

Bring in the prisoner, Lieutenant Wilson.

- Come on, you rotten son of a bitch. - You bastard.

Any last words, goon face?

You can lick my royal hemorrhoids, you fat pig.

Oh, ready, aim, fire!

I advise you to listen carefully, rubbish.

Royal proclamation number one.

As long as you live in Mortville,

you must always consider me your God.

And if you ever see me on the streets

fall to your knees and shout, "I honor you, Queen Carlotta!"

Royal proclamation number two.

You must live here in constant mortification,

solely existing to bring me and my tourists

moments of royal amusement.

I'm not responsible for your income,

your living conditions, or your personal happiness.

Have I made myself perfectly clear?

Yes, Your Royal Majesty.

And you, Mrs. Gravel, murderess?

You've made yourself quite clear.

Your...

Your Royal Majesty.

So be it!

Lieutenant Williams, take them to our ugly expert

and give them a complete overhaul.

And when you walk down the streets of Mortville,

make sure you're dressed like what you really are.

Trash!

Remove them!

Come on! We're through!

Up. Up on your feet! Come on! Out!

- Come on. - Let's go!

Out, out, out.

Are my duties of discipline ever over, Lieutenant Wilson?

Remove me from this contraption.

I honor you, Queen Carlotta.

Yes, I know, I know. Get me into my royal cot

and be quick.

Come on, come on. I haven't got all day.

Come on. Hurry, hurry.

Come on. Yes. Come on...

If it pleases the queen, Royal Security has reported

that the Princess Coo-Coo has returned to the castle.

She's been out all night again with that garbage man.

That child of mine will be the death of me yet.

- Take me to her chambers. Be quick. - I honor you, Your Majesty.

Come on, let's go. Get out of the way! Out of the way. Come on!

Come on! Come on! Out of the way!

Come on, get out of the way. Come on, hurry up.

- I honor you, Queen Carlotta. - Come on, be quick. Come on.

All right, all right, get out of the way. Come on.

Come on. Hurry.

I'll call you when I need you, Lieutenant Wilson.

I honor you, Your Majesty.

Coo-Coo, I must have a little talk with you.

Oh, leave me alone, Mummy. I've had a wonderful evening,

and I don't want it spoiled with your nosy nagging.

A wonderful evening with a garbage man?

He's not a garbage man. He just helps pick up trash

at the nudist colony.

I hardly think that a nudist janitor

is the proper escort for a royal princess.

I'm 38 years old and I can date who I please.

You have no right to order me around like one of your subjects.

You may not realize it, Coo-Coo but you have an awesome responsibility

on your shoulders.

One day, all Mortville will be yours,

and you must learn to rule with dignity.

I don't want to be queen of anywhere.

Mother, I want to marry Herbert!

Herbert? Is that his name?

It's a beautiful name.

You would step down from your throne for the love of a mutant?

But, Mummy, I love him.

Well, I won't have it!

I'm afraid I'm going to have to punish you, Coo-Coo.

You're forbidden to leave your room until your 40th birthday!

I won't stay in this castle.

I love Herbert. I'm gonna marry him, and you won't stop me!

Now you've given me another nosebleed!

I hate this stupid town. Get out of here. Leave me in peace.

- Excuse me, Your Highness. - Take me to my bedroom

and lock Coo-Coo up for the night.

No, no, no, no, no!

Come on. Hurry up, hurry up.

That daughter of mine is a delinquent.

I'm gonna have to take drastic steps with her.

I honor you, Queen Carlotta.

Can you make it, Your Highness?

I suppose so.

I believe it's your night to service me, Lieutenant Wilson.

I'm always eager, Your Highness.

Oh, that love muscle.

Whip it out and show it hard.

Oh, come on, daddy.

Fuck me, come on.

Ooh! Glow, little inchworm.

Oh, look at those balls!

Oh, daddy, come on.

Ooh! Look at that pout. Yeah!

Ooh, come on.

Oh, come on, Lieutenant. I haven't got all night.

Come on. Oh, come on.

Don't bother with the head.

The "V" of my crotch is what needs the attention.

But I can fuck like a bandit, Your Highness.

Well, rob my safety deposit box then.

Dig for gold, dig for gold.

Oh, Your Highness. I'm entering...

Go, daddy, go all night. Get it.

Get it, get it, get it!

Pretty outfits.

Funny, is it?

Well, let me tell you, I wouldn't wear this outfit to a dog fight.

Maybe you two have resigned yourselves

to a subhuman life in this slum of a town,

but I, Peggy Gravel, have not.

You better hush up before Mole loses her temper and smacks you.

Just shut up, Peggy.

No, I won't shut up.

You shut up!

I'll tell you, my blue blood is about ready to boil.

Hey! You listen to me, wacko.

See this fist?

I'm about ready to use that hatchet-face of yours as a punching bag.

Now sit down and shut up!

Mole's right, Peggy.

I am sick of listenin' to your bitchin'.

The next time you feel a fit comin' on, go outside and bitch.

Bitch at the air. Bitch at the trees.

But don't bitch at us.

But bitching isn't relief if there's no one to hear it.

Well, we can't all be your psychiatrist, honey.

We've got problems of our own.

Well, why are you in Mortville?

Oh, it's a long ugly story.

Go ahead, Muffy. Tell her.

Maybe she'd stop feeling sorry for herself.

I wasn't always like this.

Oh, I mean, of course, I was always visually stunning.

But I was married to a man, and I had a baby named Freddy.

It was about two years ago,

and my husband and I were just returning from a cocktail party.

Let me drive.

Get off, I can drive. Always trying to boss me around.

- You're drunk, as per usual. - Ah!

Every time we step out of the house, you get dead drunk.

When you're married to a nag, a man's gotta drink.

First I have to be mortified in front of our friends.

Now I have to be mortified in front of the babysitter.

I suppose I'll have to drive her home.

I'll take her.

Yeah, you'll take her straight to the graveyard.

- Ah! Get off, I'll take her. - Let me drive.

Check it out.

This motherfucker is having a little party.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

What is this?

What's going on in here? Who are you? Get out of my house.

Where's my baby? Where's my...

What's going on here?

- My Freddy! - Get out of my liquor, punks!

Oh, Freddy.

Oh, my God. He's gone.

Oh, my God.

What have you done with my baby?

I don't know, I'm trippin'.

- Trippin'? Where's Freddy? - I think I put him in the kitchen.

The kitchen? Oh, Freddy, Freddy.

Oh, Freddy, Freddy.

Little Freddy.

- Oh. Oh, baby. - Hey, got any downers?

My baby.

You little tramp. My baby was in the refrigerator.

So don't pay me. Don't pay me, then.

Don't pay you? You little snip.

Oh, that's all right.

Ah!

Come on, bitch. Eat some dog food.

No.

Eat it! Eat it.

Eat it, you bitch.

Put my baby in the refrigerator. Eat it.

Murderer.

Oh, good Christ.

Are you crazy?

Are you trying to kill her?

Get your stinkin' liquor breath out of my face, you drunken...

Ah. Oh-ho-ho.

You...

You crazy woman, you crazy...

Open this window.

You crazy woman, you should be in a mental hospital.

You pissy-ass drunk! Get away from me. Take your ass to AA.

Get out of here, you slob.

Get out of here, don't touch me.

I'm sorry.

I've never seen my baby again.

The press still calls me "The Dog Food Murderess."

I can never go back. I couldn't bear the shame.

And you, Mole, what happened to you?

Well, I've been in Mortville for ten long years,

and I'll tell ya, it isn't very pretty what a town without pity can do.

What brought me here was a championship wrestlin' match.

It was back in 1966.

And I was fightin' under the name of Rastlin' Rita.

My challenger was Big Jimmy Dong, the Human Blockhead.

Welcome to Ringside Arena.

Tonight's main event

featuring, Big Jimmy Dong,

The Human Blockhead.

And in the opposite corner,

his opponent, Rastlin' Rita.

Fuck you!

That ended my professional rastlin' career,

and I've been here ever since

sittin' in my own stink and tryin' to figure a way out.

But our luck's gonna be changin'. Right, Muff?

Right, Mole. We're gonna win that lottery.

I believe that was our lottery ticket.

It was yours, but you rented a room, asswipe.

That ticket's mine now.

Well, you better give us our share.

We need money. We're not trash like you.

We're not used to this low-class life.

I'll wipe the floor with you.

Break it up. Break it up.

Rip her head right off.

Those lottery tickets ain't no good no way.

The odds are a million to one.

Don't say that. You'll hex our good luck.

I'm warnin' you both. You better stay out of my way.

'Cause when old Mole gets mean

there's no tellin' what she'll do.

Peggy, I think it's time for bed now.

We both need a good night's sleep.

Oh, I'll sleep, all right.

Maybe in my dreams, I can forget about this rotten little town

and its disgusting population.

As far as I'm concerned, you two belong in Mortville.

Oh!

Oh, those bosoms drive me berserk, baby.

Oh! Oh!

That was an uh-uh!

Peggy. Oh, Peggy.

Go, Peggy, go!

Get it, Peggy. Get it!

Get it! Oh! Oh, Peggy.

Grizelda, it's so unnatural.

Oh, get it! Just get it, Peggy!

But I don't know how.

Oh! Just eat it, Peggy. Eat it, eat it!

- If it's good enough for Gertrude Stein. - Eat it! Eat it, Peggy!

Ooh! Ah, ah.

Wake up! Wake up!

Come, let's go!

Let's go! Let's go!

- Come on, let's go! - Get out of bed!

Come on!

What the fuck is that now?

- Come on, wake up. - Royal proclamation.

All residents must read the royal proclamation.

Here, stupid.

Huh? You won't believe this, Muffy.

That cow has gone too far this time.

Listen to this shit.

"Royal proclamation.

Queen Carlotta has proclaimed today as Backwards Day.

All residents must wear their clothes backwards

and walk backwards at all times.

Anyone who fails to perform for the tourists

will be immediately executed."

Oh, God! You mean, we have to walk around backwards all day?

Looks that way, Muffy.

Oh, and on empty stomach yet.

Mole, I'm starving to death.

Hmm, ditto, doll face.

The cupboard's bare, Muffy.

Oh, it ain't right to wake up hearin' your own stomach growlin'.

I guess we'll just have to wait for the food dump.

Everywhere I look's a big nothing.

I'd eat anything.

I know, Mole. I'm so hungry I could eat cancer.

Isn't this a godsend?

Pussy brought daddy some breakfast.

I hope those other two aren't expecting a continental breakfast.

'Cause old Mole's gonna chomp this down

in one big bite.

Whoa. Ooh, look, marshmallow.

Oh, that looks good.

Mmm, and Cheez-Its for my little tummy.

Mmm.

Mmm, this is so-- It's so good. Mmm.

Well, good morning, little birdy.

You're a cute little fella.

Want some pizza?

I bet you're hungry.

Yes, birdy, birdy, birdy.

I bet you flew all the way to Mortville

just to see Backwards Day, didn't you?

Well, you flew into the right window

'cause I'm your Queen.

Yeah.

Excuse me, Your Highness, but Princess Coo-Coo has just escaped

from her royal bedroom.

She what?

That little M.F. Come on and get me into my cot.

- Be quick, too. Come on. - I honor you, Your Majesty.

Come on, you goons. Come on.

Get me into that cot.

Come on. Let's hurry, let's hurry.

Come on. Let's go, let's go.

Come on, come on.

Come on, you big ape. Hurry up, hurry up.

Come on.

Why, that ungrateful little whippersnapper.

She escaped by shimmying down this rope of sheets.

On Backwards Day yet?

I want you morons to find her and as for that garbage man,

I want him shot on sight.

Damn that hellcat of a daughter of mine.

That good-for-nothing, simple-minded scallywag.

Damn, damn, damn it.

Oh, Christ.

- Ooh. - Pardon me.

- Watch it, clown. - Sorry.

Hi, Mr. Paul.

Hi, doll face!

This Backwards Day's a lot of shit, ain't it?

Sure is, Mr. Paul. It sure is.

Can we come?

Oh, fuck.

Wait, wait!

Wait for us!

Come on.

Sorry, nudists only. No tourists.

Shina, it's me Muffy.

Well, why didn't you say it was the most beautiful woman in Mortville?

- Hi, Shina. - Hey, Mr. Mole.

This is Grizelda and Peggy.

They're new in Mortville.

It's nice to meet you.

Shina, you got today's paper around?

We wanna see if we won the Maryland lottery.

You know newspapers are contraband.

But I sure hope you do win.

This town could stand a little glamor.

I tell you, I'm gettin' fed up.

We're all fed up, Shina.

At least you don't have to participate in Backwards Day.

I know, I'm surprised the Queen didn't order me

to wear my vagina backwards.

Excuse me, but I must see Herbert. Herbert, my love.

- I honor you, Princess Coo-Coo. - I honor you.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

I'm not like my mother. I'm a normal person.

Come on, now. Get up. Please, get up.

Herbert's out there searchin' for garbage as usual, Princess Coo-Coo.

But I tell you, if you two are havin' an affair, be careful.

That Queen will cut off your ears.

Let her do it. Herbert doesn't care if I have ears.

He only cares about my mind.

- Herbert. - Coo-Coo, Coo-Coo.

Oh, Coo. I worship the ground you walk on.

I couldn't keep my mind on my work all mornin'.

Every piece of trash I had to pick up reminded me of you.

An old candy wrapper made me think of how sweet you are.

A snotty Kleenex made me realize how much I'd cry

if we ever had to part.

An old rubber made me think of all the nights of Eros

we have before us.

I love you, Coo-Coo.

Oh, Herbert.

I masturbated 14 times last night just thinkin' of you.

And when I finally did fall asleep

my dreams were not exactly dry.

Take me now, Herbert. Take me in front of the whole town.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, no. What hell lays in store for us now?

I don't know, Peggy. Just keep up with Mole.

How do you like that, mister?

Get him, girl. Yay!

What kind of a bar is this?

Who asked you to sit with us, anyway?

Well, I have to use the ladies' room.

- The piss hole's out back. - I'll save your seat, lover.

- Oh! Oh, no! - Over here, baby.

- Sit on my face. - Stop it. No! Oh, God, no!

- Sit on my face over here. - No, Stop. Leave me alone.

- Oh, lookin' for some action? - Oh, no.

- Come on. - No, leave me alone.

- Come on. - Leave me alone. Just leave me alone.

- Come on. - No, go away! Leave me alone.

- We'll have a good time. - No! Leave me alone, stop!

Stop, stop. Oh, God, no!

- Come on. I wanna see this... - Leave me alone. Go away!

- Leave me alone. - Freak.

Oh! Please, just go away. Just go away.

Oh, God. Oh, please just go away. Just leave me alone.

Just leave me alone, please.

Just leave me alone.

Oh, God. No, no.

Flipper, yay!

Oh, God, get off.

I'm not trying to be rude, really,

but I can't stay in here any longer.

Oh, what's the matter? Don't you like fun?

This is not my idea of fun.

Grizelda, please walk me back to the house.

Oh, loosen up a bit.

I have no desire to be a loose person,

and you should stop drinking before you get dead drunk.

Oh, come on. I'll walk you back.

I don't get you, Peggy.

Yeah, you leech onto us, and then all you do is complain.

Let the little babies go home.

Boy, if you don't like this bar

there is really something wrong with you.

- Kill him, Flip. Yeah! - Get him, Flip.

Come on! Whoo!

Get him, Flipper.

Hit him. Come on, you guys.

Bye-bye, sweetie.

See you next Tuesday. Same time, same place.

Bye!

Whoo.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

You lazy bitch.

I'm out workin' my tail off all day, and you're in there fuckin' midgets.

Isn't that the pits?

Oh, Flipper, now. Don't start that shit.

She's just an old friend of mine.

Hey, come on, now. Get in here. Come on!

Old friend, my ass.

You've turned my apartment into your own private passion pit, haven't you?

Hey, you better cram it, Flipper.

Not in front of company.

Sorry if we interrupted anything.

You didn't interrupt anything, Mole.

Flipper's so jealous, she thinks the toilets

I sit on is her competition.

- What can I do for ya? - Tryin' to find today's paper.

- You got one, Shotsie? - Yeah, I got one around here somewhere.

Just wait a minute here.

Hey, all right. Here you go.

- There it is. - Oh, here it is.

"Maryland lottery listings." Here they are.

"08555321."

We did it, Muffy.

- We're rich. - I want my own chauffeur.

- We won $1,000. - Thank you, ladies. Thank you, God.

Shut up, Muffy. Shut up.

Look at all those dummies.

Come on, you apes, hurry up.

Hurry up.

Come on, let's be quick.

Look at those dummies.

- Gimme that. It's mine. - It's mine.

Attention, attention.

The Honorable Queen Carlotta of Mortville.

We honor you, Queen Carlotta. Hail Queen Carlotta.

Hail Queen Carlotta.

Out of my way. Come on. Come on.

Hey, morons, you got your clothes on backwards.

Oh, gosh. This is fun.

Hi, stupid.

Hi, ugly.

Ooh... ew.

That senile old cunt.

I wish I had a rifle with a telescopic lens on it.

I'd help you pull the trigger, Mole.

Squeaky Fromme, where are you when we need you?

I can't resist.

That hog face is too much of a moving target to ignore.

God damn it. Who threw that?

God damn it.

Oh, Herbert. We're safe now.

I'm sorry I had to drag you all that way,

but those silly nudists wanted to bury you.

Oh, I love you too, my darling.

Mother can't hurt us now.

We'll get married tonight.

Oh, you don't look so well. I hope you perk up for our honeymoon.

What the hell is this?

Oh, I'm sorry. I know it's rude to bring my lover here,

especially since I don't even know you.

But my mother's army's trying to kill my Herbert.

Young woman, that man is already dead.

No, he's not. He's just asleep.

Aren't you, Herbert? Say hi to the nice ladies.

You'd better get your lily-white ass out of here before we all get shot.

Please don't kick me out. Those soldiers are looking for me.

My mother'll lock me up in the castle if she finds me.

You obviously belong in a mental hospital.

Oh, look who's callin' the kettle black.

She's just upset. Now be easy on her.

I will not!

I don't want some renegade necrophile princess as my roommate.

It's just for a few days.

Don't be so selfish.

Selfish? I'll show you selfish.

Get out of here, mongoloid!

Take that stinking corpse of a boyfriend with you.

Oh, Herbert, this lady's being so mean to me.

Don't cry, princess.

I'll try and help you some way.

There, there. Everything's gonna be all right.

Go ahead. Feel her up. Just like you did to me.

Find 'em, feel 'em, fuck 'em, forget 'em!

Is that your new motto?

Zip that gaping hole of a mouth up, Peggy,

before I plug it up with my fist.

You're just like all the rest of the common dykes in this town.

What the hell do you mean, dyke?

A fat dyke! Fat dyke!

Help, police! The princess is in my house!

You're under arrest by order of Her Highness the Queen Carlotta.

Okay, this is...

Out!

What's going on in here?

Ah!

What's happening here?

Oh, God.

Come on, you little bitch.

- Get out of there. - Get up.

Your mother's waiting to see you.

Oh, Herbert.

Come on.

Those snotty bitches got a lot of nerve wrecking our guest house.

I knew I should've gotten a security deposit from those assholes.

Yeah. You let riffraff in and they bring the neighborhood down every time.

Look, baby, I got to get my ass into Baltimore

to claim our money and do some shoppin'.

Will you be all right while I'm gone?

Oh, sure. I'll be fine, but you be careful.

All right, then. Lock those doors, and don't fuck any men.

Go, go! Go, take it off. Let's see some ass.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Strip faster!

Let's see some private areas. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I see London. Oh, I see France.

Oh, spread those legs, baby!

Oh, yessiree. A Hollywood love.

Come on. That love muscle, I want to see it.

Oh.

Come on over here with that thing.

You're a wicked little boy.

Gettin' me all heated up, aren't you?

I'm gonna have to give you a spankin'.

I've been a bad little boy, haven't I, Your Highness?

You certainly have, Grogan.

Now, get up here with that behind.

Come on, over my knee, you little bastard!

This'll teach you to arouse royalty.

Harder. Harder.

- May I get up, Your Majesty? - Yes, get up, stupid.

I hope you didn't leave no pecker tracks on my gown.

May I get dressed, Your Majesty?

Yes, please do.

Your body has a certain odor about it that always annoys me!

- An odor, Your Majesty? - Yes, a wretched stench.

- I wash daily, Your Majesty. - Well, wash harder in the future.

There is a noticeable odor zone somewhere on your body,

and I'd appreciate it if you could locate it

and deodorize it.

I'll try and correct it, Your Majesty.

Oh, we can't all be perfect, Lieutenant Grogan.

Come on over here and sit besides my feet.

I honor you, Queen Carlotta.

You honor me, but certain commoners in this town obviously don't.

Someone threw a mudball at me today.

If only I had a little pink button to push that could wipe out this town.

Tell me, is it possible to get me a hydrogen bomb?

I doubt it, Your Majesty.

How about germ warfare? Do you know anything about that?

You mean poisoning the population?

Yes, that sounds like a fun project.

How about rabies? Could we spread that disease inexpensively?

I think so, Your Majesty.

All we need is some rabid bat pus to make a serum.

Fine! Let's try it.

Rabid bat pus, and let's put in a little rat piss for good luck.

You're a genius, Your Majesty.

I know. I know.

You let me out of here, Mummy! You murderess! You rat!

- Shut up. - Stinking fascist slug!

Swine.

Quiet with the crying.

Your Majesty, Herbert the garbage man is dead.

And thanks to this noble peasant woman,

we have captured Coo-Coo and returned her to the castle.

Release the prisoners!

Oh, thank you, Your Wonderful Majesty.

You bilious ball of blubber.

You rotten, stinking...

- Come on, get back here! - That's the last straw, Coo-Coo!

I hereby proclaim--

Oh, shut up.

I hereby proclaim that you are no longer the Princess of Mortville.

You'll be gang-raped by my soldiers,

injected with rabies, and exiled to the streets

of Mortville where you belong.

I consider that an honor, Your Royal Hogness,

to once and for all be freed from this mockery of a monarchy.

I will never live down the shame of my inherited name,

but I will do my best to see that you topple from the throne.

Seize her and fuck her!

Yeah.

That was a courageous decision, Your Majesty.

You may stand, Mrs. Gravel.

I appreciate your help in capturing my daughter.

Loyalty to the Queen sometimes results in rewards.

Let me be the new princess, Your Majesty.

I have seen the human trash of Mortville,

and I share your contempt for this town.

My subjects are beneath contempt, Mrs. Gravel.

Dealing with the poor people is a waste of time.

Only the rich should be allowed to live.

I like your politics, Mrs. Gravel.

And to tell the truth, I need a woman like yourself

to follow in my footsteps.

If you looked all over this land, Your Majesty,

I doubt you'd find a woman as vicious as I.

We'll give you a trial run.

Your first duty will be to help my soldiers spread rabies

to everyone in town.

Do you think you can handle that?

Oh, yes, Your Majesty.

And I know just the person I want to give it to first.

Dr. Robbie Singer. Dr. Robbie Singer.

Dr. Kate Purcell, Dr. Purcell...

- May I help you? - Yeah, I want a sex change.

Step over here, please.

Hey, look. I'm in a rush.

So I'd appreciate it if you took me before these other turkeys.

Do you have an appointment?

No, I don't.

I'm sorry, but we don't see anyone here without an appointment.

Well, you do now, Nurse Nancy.

Come on, bitch! Cut these tits off!

I'm only the nurse! The doctor is not in.

Like hell he isn't!

Sorry, Dr. Freedman.

Come on, quack. I want the sex change, and I want it now.

Why, Madam, the sex change is a long, complicated process.

- We just can't-- - Just give me the basics,

or I'll cut her head off.

Look, why don't you just fill out the necessary forms

- and we'll see if-- - Cut the sermon

and give me my wang!

I want a wang, and I want it now.

I can only do so much under the circumstances.

If you don't give me the sex change,

I'll cut off your peter and sew it on me, myself!

I'll see what I can do, Madam.

Hi, big boys.

I'll bet you didn't know that mommy won the Maryland lottery.

Yes!

I'm gonna be buying you lots of new push-up bras.

So get ready for your new home.

Things are gonna be looking up for you two.

Well, howdy, Miss Muffy!

Oh, Mole, you made it!

I missed you. I was worried about you.

- You got the money? - I sure do, honey.

Look at those greenbacks.

Oh, thank God, Mole. Money at last.

Good old germ-carrying American currency. Yay!

What you got in the shopping bag?

Presents, Muffy. Presents fit for a queen.

Can I open them?

You sure can, you big hunk of beauty.

Come on, hurry up, honey.

Ah. Oh...

Oh! Oh! Oh, a new bra!

A new bra. It's beautiful!

Try it on, honey. Let me help you. Quick.

- Get them boys in there. - Just a minute.

Oh, hook it. Hook it for me, Mole.

- Got 'em in there? - Yeah, hook it.

Ooh-la-la.

Oh, that support feels heavenly.

- Hold still, now. - Ooh, hook it. Hook it.

- Hold still. - Oh, tie a knot. Anything.

- Ooh. - Oh, my God.

What else you got for me? What else?

- Ah. - Just a second.

Oh, a-- Oh, a mink coat. A mink coat!

What else? What else you got?

- Try this one, gorgey. - Oh, what is it?

You'll love it.

I feel just like a little girl on Christmas morning.

- A gown! It's stunning. - Isn't it?

Oh, it makes me glad I was born a woman.

Oh, you'll have to help me with this.

Oh, I'm too nervous. Oh!

Just a minute. There it goes.

Take them goddamn panties off for a change.

Oh, I'm beginning to feel like a queen already.

You will be queen, Muffy. I promise you.

Look at these huggers.

Oh, firearms!

Goody, goody gumdrops.

This one's mine, and this little.38 is all for you.

Oh! You're so good to me, Mole.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

I got another surprise for you, Muffy.

A real big surprise.

Something you never even asked for.

A Chihuahua?

No. You'll see. Close your eyes.

No peeking, now.

You won't believe this, Muffy.

I can't wait.

Well, hurry. The suspense is killing me.

Oh, yeah!

You can open 'em now.

What have you done to yourself, Mole?

Well, I got the sex change just for you, Muffy.

Get away from me with that deformed worm!

You're sick, Mole! You're a weirdo pervert!

Oh, just let me try it once. I gotta see if it works.

It's a brand-new model. I got it at Hopkins Hospital, Muffy.

Cut it off, Mole!

Rid your body of that disgusting transplant!

It never goes soft, Muffy.

Oh, cut it off, Mole!

All right, then. If that's what you really want.

- Cut it off. Cut it off. - All right.

So much for science, Muffy.

Ah, a lovely potion.

Ah, yes.

But it needs something.

A lovely bat.

And a touch of rat.

Ah. A little rat urine.

Just what the doctor ordered.

That ought to give it a little kick.

Goons, bring in Princess Coo-Coo,

and tell her her medicine's ready.

Get off me with those semen-stained hands you big ape.

I can walk by myself.

Well, if it isn't commoner Coo-Coo, the grave robber.

All ready for your little injection?

You ass-kissing little snitch.

One day I'll get my hands on you.

I doubt you'll have the time.

For you are now

the proud owner of rabies.

Come on, you little bitch. Get your ass out here.

- On the streets, scumbag! - Don't bite anybody, dog face!

Oh!

Be brave, sugar. Be brave.

I'll fix you all up.

I thought you'd like it, Muffy.

I thought you wanted a man.

I just said that to make you jealous.

I like your organs just the way they were.

Now-- Now I won't have any organs.

It'll be like having a Barbie-doll crotch.

When I get through with these stitches,

it'll be close enough in my book.

Careful. This is gonna hurt.

Wi-- Will, will you ever be able to love my operation?

Oh, I'll love it, Mole.

I'll feel it. I'll love it. I'll eat it.

Just like old times.

Now, hold it. This is gonna hurt.

Who the hell is that?

Come in.

Hi, Your Majesty.

Holy shit. Mole, what happened to you?

Muffy just gave me an abortion.

You were pregnant, Mole?

Well, I wasn't gonna tell anybody,

but I was raped by those lottery officials when I picked up my money.

Men are such cunts.

Oh, men, women, they're all okay with me as long as they're nude.

All that sunshine must've rotted your brain, Shina.

Yeah, there's nothing more disgusting than a nude man.

How many times I gotta tell you, men are genetic rejects.

And all that gristle they got hanging down between their legs

was God's first big mistake.

And us woman have been paying for it ever since.

What is she doing in my home, anyway?

Oh, be easy on her, Mole. She's been through hell.

When we found her, she was regurgitating in the streets.

Her mother, the hog, had her gang-raped.

The poor thing's had a terrible time.

You know that Gravel woman you were hanging out with?

Well, she works for the Queen now.

She shot Coo-Coo up with a rabies potion.

I'm not surprised.

That snotty little social climber.

I knew I should've fractured her skull.

Can I get you anything, Coo-Coo? Are you infectious, honey?

I don't know. My saliva tastes funny and I itch a lot.

Well, under the circumstances, we'll have to ask you

to refrain from using our kitchen utensils.

I won't breathe on anything. I promise.

But please help me kill my mother.

How's Project Rabies coming along, Peggy?

Oh, I feel just like Jonas Salk.

Tomorrow is the first day of mass immunization,

or at least that's what the morons of Mortville think.

Won't it be funny when they start collapsing on the street?

It'll be like walking through a human sewer.

I hope I get a chance to kick every one of 'em right in the head

just as they gasp for their last breath.

It'll be beautiful.

A symphony of death rattles.

History will not forget this holiday of death.

Come on, girls. Now, be quiet. Muffy?

Come on.

Hey, Officer Cutie Pie?

There's someone down here to see you.

What do you want, slut?

Oh, I'm just looking for a little fun.

Can I come up and see the inside of your bedroom?

Mmm... I've had a hard-on for this bitch for a long time.

You know you horny pigs aren't supposed to come

cruising 'round the castle.

But, Officer, you're so cute, I just couldn't resist.

Oh, you're a shapely little mama, aren't ya?

- One down, girls. - Score, Muffy!

Shh. Be quiet. Quietly, now. Quietly.

Whoo!

Shut up!

Shh.

Eat lead, motherfuckers.

Have we got 'em, girls?

What was that, Your Majesty?

It's probably the dumb soldiers playing Russian roulette.

I'll go check it out, Your Highness.

Who is it? Who's out here?

Hold it right there, you royal asshole!

Get out of my chambers, lesbians!

Hey, you are through giving orders, meatball.

You've humiliated us for the last time, warthog!

Let me bite her.

Let me sink my fangs into her fat little legs.

Go right ahead, honey. Give her the chomp of life.

Get away, child. Listen to me.

I'm your mother.

I'm warning you!

Oh, thank heavens you've rescued me.

I thought I'd never get out of here alive.

Ha! Oh, come off it, pretty little Peggy.

I hope you're ready for your little debutante party in hell

'cause that's where you're going!

You wouldn't kill a sister!

Oh, yes, we would.

- How about it, girls? - Yeah!

Should we give our sister a little rectal reminder

that we don't like

social climbers in Mortville?

I'm gonna blow your bowels out.

Go ahead.

A single gunshot can never destroy the beauty of fascism.

You're so low.

You make white trash look positively top drawer.

Oh, blow it out your ass.

You filthy muff divers will pay for this!

Shut your fucking mouth.

No dyke gives me orders.

Oh, yeah, Queenie? Well, how does this grab you?

Royal proclamation number one.

Kiss my ass!

- Whoo. Yeah. - Yay!

You heard the new Queen. Kiss it.

Kiss it. Kiss it. Kiss it. Kiss it. Kiss it.

That's more like it, peon!

How about it, girls?

I think this town deserves a little feast to celebrate

this great day of independence.

We got ourselves the biggest turkey in the world.

So, why not eat her?

Yeah. Yeah.

Cook her and eat her. Cook her.

Attention all Mortville residents.

Queen Carlotta is dead.

Your days of humiliation have come to an end.

To celebrate this joyous occasion,

I invite you to join me in a victory feast

in honor of our newly-found independence.

Let the ring of freedom be heard all over this land.

Mortville is at last

a free city.

The queen is dead!