Original subtitles

There'll be no strings to bind your hands, not if my love can't bind your

heart.

There's no need to take a stand, for it was I who chose to start.

If morning's echo says we've sinned, Well, it was what I wanted

now.

And if we're victims of the night,

I won't be blinded by the light.

I'll find a lonesome back here

Um, just, uh, I have to keep my hands on the wheel.

Excuse me.

Woo!

Uh, Dopinder.

Cool. Dead.

Nice.

Smells good, no? Not the daffodil daydream. The girl. Ah, yes.

Geeta. She's quite lovely.

She would have made me a very agreeable wife, but, um, Geeta's heart has been

stolen by my cousin Bandhu.

He is as dishonorable as he is attractive.

Dopinder, I'm starting to think there's a reason I'm in this cab today. Yeah,

sir, you called for it, remember? No, my slender brown friend. Love is a

beautiful thing.

When you find it, the whole world tastes like daffodil daydream.

So you gotta hold on to love tight and never let go.

Don't make the same mistakes I did. Got it? Yeah. Or else the whole world tastes

like... Mama June after hot yoga.

Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like? Like two hobos fucking in a shoe

filled with piss. I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is, it's bad.

It's bad.

Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Poole?

Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder.

And I'm after someone on my naughty list.

I've been waiting one year, three weeks, six days, and, oh, 14 minutes to make

him fix what he did to me.

And what did he do to you, Mr. Poole?

This shit.

Boom.

They won't disappoint.

They better not.

What about next month's shipment?

There won't be one.

You're not the only one with a war to win.

That won't do.

See, we've had this small disruption to our supply chain.

We'd appreciate your patience.

Okay.

We'll deliver in for the following month.

Yes.

I should do business with you.

Fuckin' mutant.

Ah, shit!

I forgot my ammo bag!

Shall we turn back?

Nope, no time.

Fuck it. I got this.

9, 10, 11, 12 bullets or bust.

Right here!

That's $27.50.

I never carry a wallet while I'm working. Ruins the lines in my suit.

Oh. But how about a crisp high five?

Okay. Merry Christmas.

And a convivial Tuesday in April to you too, pool.

Hey, yeah. I want to shoot, baby.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot.

Shake shake boobie, it looks to kill you would be a movie or shotgun bang!

Oh!

Oh, hello.

I know, right?

Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? I can't tell you, but

it does rhyme with pulverine.

And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under.

Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix, and oh, bad guys to kill.

Maximum effort.

Cushion.

Rich Corinthian leather.

looking for? Have you seen this man?

I've never said this, but don't swallow.

Shit.

Did I leave the stove on?

Red suit.

Deadpool.

When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Men? Which benefits? The

matching unitards?

The house that blows up every few years?

Please. House blowing up builds character.

You ate breakfast, yes?

Breakfast is most important meal of day.

Here. Protein bar.

Good for bones.

Deadpool may try to break yours.

You may be wondering why the red suit.

Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed.

This guy's got the right idea. He wore the brown pants.

Fine! I only have 12 bullets, so you're gonna have to share.

Let's count them down.

Shit No Bad

dead cool

seven good

Someone's not counting. Six.

Four.

Gotcha.

Right up Main Street.

I'm touching myself tonight.

Francis!

Francis!

What the shitbiscuit? Where you at, Francis?

You're not Francis.

Really? Rolling up the sleeves?

You're probably thinking, my boyfriend said this was a superhero movie, but

that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kebab.

Well, I may be super, but I am no hero.

And yeah, technically this is a murder.

But some of the best love stories start with a murder.

And that's exactly what this is, a love story.

And to tell it right, I gotta take you back to long before I squeeze this ass

into red spandex.

Look, would it help if I slow it down for you?

I didn't order the pizza.

Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive?

Are you Mr. Merchant?

The Mr.

Merchant who didn't order the fucking pie.

Then who placed the call?

I did.

Pineapple and olives?

Sweet and salty fuck are you the fuck you doing to my trip that burnt crust? I

hope not man look This is about that poker game. I told how yeah, I told it's

all about that Look just uh Take a there be one.

Thanks Sir before you do anything to him you mind if I get a big tip

Jeremy is it mm-hmm Wade Wilson

That is a no-go on the tip of Ruggiero.

I'm not here for him.

I'm here for you.

Oh.

Okay, well, I dodged a big-time bullet on that one. Not out of the woods yet.

You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. They're jeans, not a

chandelier. P.S., I'm keeping your wallet. You did kind of give it to me.

Okay, just look, man. Can I have my Sam's car? I will shoot your fucking

cat.

I don't really know what that means. I don't have a cat.

Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in?

Anywho, tell me something.

What situation isn't improved by pizza?

Do you happen to know a Megan Orflosky? Getting that right? Orflosky?

Orlovsky? Yeah?

Good.

Because she knows you.

Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down.

And little Megan, she's not made of money, but lucky for her, I got a soft

spot.

I'm a stalker.

Threats hurt, Jer.

Though not nearly as badly as serrated steel.

So keep away from Megan.

Cool? Yes, yes, sir. Then we're done.

Wait.

We are?

No, totally done.

You should have seen your face.

I don't know what to do. I was so scared. Soft spot, remember?

Leave the book in her general direction again, and you will learn in the worst

of ways that I have some hard spots, too.

That came out wrong.

You've heard the last of Jeremy.

He's sorry.

No freaking way.

Should have brought my rollerblades to show these kids how it's done.

And that's why we do it. But mostly the money.

Hey, think you can fuck up my stepdad?

Give a guy a pavement facial, it's because he's earned it.

Hey, wait!

You're my hero.

No, no, no, no, no.

Never will be.

Fuck you, Wade.

I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys.

Welcome to Sister Margaret's.

It's like a job fair for mercenaries.

Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies, except we knock out the teeth

and take the cash.

You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card.

Buck? Well, I failed.

Hey, Wade. Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful. What can I do for you?

I'd love a blowjob.

Oh, God, me too.

The drink, blue snuggle.

First.

Hey, and I ain't taking any babysitting money, all right? Make sure that gets

back to Ms., uh, Orlovsky. And her.

You sure?

Mm. You know, for a merc, you're pretty warm-blooded. Bet you let the kid off

easy, too. Oh, he's not a bad kid. He's just a little light-stalking. I was way

worse than him when I was his age. I was traveling to exotic places.

Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville.

meeting new and exciting people and then killing them yeah i've seen your

instagram so what was special forces doing in jacksonville that's classified

they have wonderful dg on fridays all right kalua bailey's and whipped cream

i give you a blow job um why don't you make me make that kelly kelly kelly

kelly kelly take that over to buck please and tell him it's from booth

little foreplay remind me what good will come of this i don't take the shits i

just disturb

Cheers. To your health. Fuck you.

It's a nice duel.

He's still breathing.

Nobody wins today.

Nice try, Wade.

You got me.

I picked Booth in the Deadpool.

Who'd you pick?

Yeah, Wade, about that.

Um, no.

You did not bet on me to die.

You bet on me to die.

Wow.

Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend.

Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102 and then dying. Like the city of

Detroit. I'm sorry.

I just... I wanted to win money. I never win anything.

Whatever.

Soldiers of force and drinks on me!

Gymnastic. Nothing imported.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, baby.

Are you sure you want to shoot your whole lot?

Uh... Tight.

Vanessa. Wait.

What's a nice place like you doing and a girl like this?

I'd hit that.

Buck, you best apologize before you... Yeah,

that. Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf.

I am sorry.

Breathe through your nose.

I don't have a filter between my brain and my head. Okay, okay. Hey, ho, ho,

ho, ho, ho. Hakuna has taught us. He's sorry.

Get out of here. Go. Go cast a spell. Hey, hands off the merchandise.

Merchandise? So you, uh, bump fuzzies for money?

Yep. Rough childhood?

Rougher than yours.

Daddy left before I was born.

Daddy left before I was conceived.

Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin? Where else do you put one out? I

was molested.

Me too.

Uncle. Uncles.

They took turns.

I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet, which

also happens to be my... Your bedroom.

Lucky, I slept in a dishwasher box.

You had a dishwasher.

I didn't even know sleep. It was pretty much 24-7 ball gags, brownie mix, and

clown porn.

Who would do such a thing?

Hopefully you.

Later tonight?

Yeah. Hey, what can I get for $275 and a

Yogurtland rewards card?

Maybe about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want.

And a little fat dessert.

Did she just put a gift card in your mouth?

It's time to put balls in holes.

You said whatever I want.

I get it.

You love skee-ball.

Apparently more than you love vagina.

That's a tough call.

I just want to get to know the real you, you know, not the short, shorter, two

-dimensional sex object peddled by Hollywood.

Balls and holes.

Balls and holes.

Hair to lose tragically.

Bring it, big man. Okay.

What in that row?

Logger out.

The limited edition Voltron Defender of the Universe ring.

Four for four.

Oh. Hey, there you go.

Man, this sucker froze.

And I will take the pencil eraser.

Okay. You are now the proud protector of the planet Eris.

And you can erase stuff written in pencil.

Milady.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but your 48 minutes are up.

Hey, how many more minutes can I get for this?

FYI, five mini-lion bots come together to form one super bot suit.

Five mini-lion bots?

Three minutes.

Deal. What do we do with the remaining two minutes, 37 seconds?

Cuddle?

How long can I keep this up?

All year?

Happy

Valentine's

Day.

Happy Ch- Please, Nia.

You're the dog.

Relax.

I'm not being an actual women's dog.

Nia, no. No.

No.

Happy Lent.

Sorry. Happy Halloween.

Happy Halloween.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I love you.

Your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas.

Can I visit you between the holidays?

Oh, that sweater is terrible.

But red looks good on you.

Red's your color. Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes.

Listen, I've been thinking. Really?

About why we're so good together.

Why's that?

Well, your crazy matches my crazy.

Big time.

And we're like two jigsaw pieces, you know?

Weird, curvy edges.

You put them together and you can see the picture on top.

Wade, there's something I've been meaning to ask you, but only because you

haven't gotten around to asking me.

Will you, um, stick it in my... Marry me?

Uh... Jinx?

Huh?

Where were you hiding that? Nowhere.

They say one month's salary, so, uh... You mean... I do.

That's my line.

I love you, Wade Wilson.

You're supposed to... So that's a... Yes! Woo!

Yes!

I feel just like a little girl.

What if I just held on and never let go?

Just ride a bitch's back like Yoda on Luke?

Oh, Star Wars jokes.

Empire.

Jesus Christ, it's like I made you in a computer.

Here's the thing life is an endless series of train wrecks with only brief

commercial like breaks of happiness This had been the ultimate commercial break

Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled program

You're not clowning.

I sense clowns.

People react to news of late-stage cancer differently.

There are certainly options we can look into. New drugs are being developed

every day.

So what do we do?

Surely there is something we can do.

My uncle Ivan was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and there were all these new

experimental drugs from Germany... Vanessa's already working on plan A,

B... All the way through Z.

Me?

I'm memorizing the details of her face.

Like it's the first time I'm seeing it.

Or the last. Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Wilson.

Take your time to process this.

It's important not to do anything rash.

Now if I were a 200 pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I

hide?

Oh

Hush falls over the crowd as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson out of Regina,

Saskatchewan, lines up the shot.

His form looks good.

Oh,

and that's why Regina runs with fun. Ladies and gentlemen, what you're

witnessing is sweet dick-kicking revenge.

Oh, give him the business.

Incoming.

This is taking unsportsmanlike conduct to a whole new level.

Looking good, Francis.

Well rested. Like you've been pitching, not catching.

Ringing any bells?

No?

How about now?

Wade fucking Wilson.

Gorgeous. Yeah, like I got bit by a radioactive Sharpay.

Yeah, and whose fault is that, huh, Francis?

Yeah, time to undo what you did to this butterface.

You should thank me.

Apparently I made you immortal.

I'm actually quite jealous.

Yeah, but this ain't a life worth living, is it?

Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.

I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways in the most colossal way.

Well, maybe not the most.

This is my most prized possession.

Wham. No, no, no, no.

Wham! Make it big as the album that George and Andy earned the exclamation

point. So, am I supposed to just smile and wave you out the door?

Think of it like spring cleaning. Only if spring was death.

God. Well, I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Burton Ed Peters.

Sounds like you.

Bernadette is not going anywhere because you're not going anywhere.

Drink. You're right.

Cancer's only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All things I can

live without.

You belong here at home, surrounded by your Voltron and your Bernadette and

your me.

Listen, we both know that cancer is a shit show.

Yak off smearing off opening for the spin doctors at the Iowa State Fair shit

show and under no circumstances Will I take you?

to that show I Want you to remember me?

Not the ghost of Christmas me. Well, I'm gonna remember us.

I swear to God I will find you in the next life and I'm gonna boombox careless

whisper outside your window wham

No one is boomboxing shit, okay?

We can fight this.

Besides, I just realized something.

You win.

Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine.

Wade. Louise?

You look like you need a blowjob and a shower.

No courtesy calls for the latter first.

How about three shots of Patron? Or how about Triticum Estimum? Wheatgrass.

Excellent for the immune system. Jesus Christ, you sound like Vanessa.

Here, check it out. She's sending away from all these colorful clinic

brochures.

I'm sure they're all FDA approved.

You've got Chechnya.

Isn't that where you go to get cancer?

You've got China and Central Mexico.

You know how they say cancer in Spanish?

No.

L-cancer. Oh, I could have guessed that.

Look how happy you look here.

Mind if I keep this, put it up, so I can remember when you looked alive?

At least now I'm going to win the Deadpool, now that you're going to die

tragically of cancer. I got it. Thanks.

Oh.

And that guy over there came in looking for you. Real Grim Reaper type.

I don't know. Might further the plot.

Who's? Wade.

Mr.

Wilson. How can I help you? Besides luring children into a panel van.

I understand you've recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Stalker alert.

It's my job.

Recruitment.

I'm sorry you've had such a tough go.

But you're a fighter.

Special forces. 41 confirmed kills.

One every seven weeks.

Same rate most folks get a haircut.

Just to wash the taste down.

It's tough to forget being so impressive.

And now you spend your days sticking up for the little people. Yeah, people

change. What do you want?

I represent an organization that may be able to help.

What if I told you we can cure your cancer?

And what's more, give you abilities most men only dream of?

I'd say that you sound like an infomercial, but not a good one? Like

Slap Chop? More shake-weighty? The world needs extraordinary soldiers. We won't

just make you better.

We will make you... better than better a superhero look

agent smith i tried the hero business and it left a mark but if i ever hit it

i'll look you up oh uh we're within 500 yards of the school so you may want

to you know his drinks on him

What'd he say?

Hey, what's going on?

He made three of those movies.

At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.

The worst part about cancer isn't what it does to you, but what it does to the

people you love.

Who knew if this guy could save my life?

But I knew there was only one way that I could save hers.

Isn't that what superheroes do?

Okay, let's pro-con this superhero thing.

Pro?

They pull down a gaggle of ass.

Local dry cleaning discounts, lucrative film deals, both origin stories and

larger ensemble team movies. Con?

They're all lame-ass teacher's pets.

You know I can hear you. Wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to them. Stay right here.

You've been warned before, Deadpool.

This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers.

You will both be coming with us. Look, Colossus, I don't have time for the

goody-two-shoes bullshit right now. And you are?

Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Negasonic Teenage... What the shit?

That's the coolest name ever!

So what, you're like, uh, his sidekick?

No, trainee.

Let me guess.

X-Men left you behind on what?

Shit detail.

What does that make you?

Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Can we trade names?

Can we go?

Look, I'm a teenage girl.

I'd rather be anywhere than here.

I'm all about long, sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by

more silences.

So what's it gonna be, huh?

Long, sullen silence? Or mean comment?

Go on.

You got me in a box here.

We can't allow this, Deadpool.

Please, come quietly. You big chrome cock gobbler! That's not nice. You

really gonna fuck this up for me?

Trust me.

That wheezing bag of dick tips has it coming.

He's pure evil.

Besides, nobody's getting hurt.

That guy was already up there when I got here.

Wait. You're better than this.

Join us.

Use your powers for good. Heads up. Be a superhero.

Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler who rooms

with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland mansion of some creepy,

old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker, on that day, I'll send

your shiny, happy ass a friend request.

But until then, I'm gonna do what I came here to do. Either that, or slap the

bitch out of you.

Wait. Hey. Zip it, Sinead. Hey, douche pool.

And I hope you're watching.

Quite unfortunate.

That does it!

Oh! Canada!

That's not good.

Wade, please.

Cockshot! Oh,

your poor wife.

You really should stop.

Oh, the dinosaurs feared the T-Rex.

I promise this gets worse for you, big boy!

This is embarrassing.

Please, stay down.

You ever hear of the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest?

Do you have off switch?

Yeah, it's right next to the prostate.

Or is that the on switch?

Let us go talk to the professor.

McAvoy or Stewart, these timelines are so confusing.

Dead or alive, you're coming with me.

You'll recover, Wayne. You always do.

You ever see 127 Hours?

Spoiler alert.

Oh, my God.

Nasty.

Oh, there's the money shot, baby.

Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.

Rock, meat, bottom.

When life ends up breathtakingly fucked, you can generally trace it back to one

big, bad decision.

The one that sent you down the road to shitsburg.

This, well, this was mine.

Mr. Wilson, nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's.

You finally hit fuck it.

I just promise you'll do right by me, so I can do right by someone else.

Of course.

Please don't make the super suit green.

Or animated.

This place seems sanitary.

My first request is warmer hands.

And Jesus, a warmer table.

We should really come up with a safe word, fellas.

I'm picking pork and beans.

Easy.

Aren't you a little strong for a lady?

I'm calling Wang.

What's up with the matches?

Oral fixation?

Or just a big Stallone fan?

Patience, Angel.

Going on good time.

Are you here for the turndown service or what?

We have another talker. I'm just excited about my first day at superhero camp.

Shut the fuck up.

Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax.

I manage this workshop.

Welcome speech used to be full of euphemisms like, this may hurt a little,

this may cause you some discomfort, but I've grown blunt.

This workshop is not a government-led program.

It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself into

men of extraordinary abilities.

But if you think superhuman powers are acquired painlessly, well, I'm injecting

you with a serum that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA.

For it to work, we need to subject you to extreme stress.

You've heard the whole make an omelette break some eggs bit, right?

But I'm about to hurt you, Wade.

I was a patient here once myself, you know.

The treatment affects everyone differently.

It made Angel inhumanly strong.

In my case, it enhanced my reflexes.

I also scorch my nerve endings so I no longer feel pain.

And in fact, I no longer feel anything.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

You have something in your teeth.

Right in the middle there, just, I don't... A little nugget of romaine

lettuce or something.

It's been bothering me for a long time.

I made you look.

Hey, is Ajax your actual name? Because it sounds suspiciously made up.

What is it really? Kevin?

Bruce? Scott?

Mitch? The Rickster?

Is it Basil Fawlty?

No joke away.

One thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor.

We'll see about that.

I suppose we will.

He's all yours.

Oh, come on.

You're going to leave me all alone here with less angry Rosie O'Donnell?

This is how it's going to work.

Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum, so we're going to have to make

you suffer.

If you're lucky, your moving genes will activate and manifest in a spectacular

fashion.

If not, I will have to keep on hurting you.

In new and different ways, each more painful than the last.

Until you finally mutate.

Or die.

You mean like a bucket list?

Well, like a bucket list.

I'd really like to light a spliff off the Olympic torch.

Pass it to me right after.

Let's not forget.

Naked, tandem base jumping with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs.

Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity.

Finally, giving Meredith Baxter-Burney a Dutch oven.

No.

Receiving a Dutch oven for Meredith Baxter-Burney.

Making banana pancakes.

For my kids.

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched.

We're just joking. No, no.

It's okay.

I encourage distractions.

We wouldn't be giving up on us now, would we?

Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham.

How tough can he be with a name like Francis?

Francis? That's his legal name.

He got Ajax from a dish soap.

F-R-E-N-C-I.

Oops.

Snagged the dry cleaning tag off your lab coat.

FYI, I could probably get you the superhero discount.

You are so relentlessly annoying.

Thanks. Never heard that before.

Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up?

Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut.

Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.

See, here's the problem with round-the-clock. torture is that you

can't really step it up from there.

Is that what you think?

If this doesn't unlock your mutation, then, well, nothing will.

Now, what we're gonna do is lower the oxygen concentration in the air to the

exact point you feel like you're suffocating.

If your brain waves slow, meaning you're about to pass out...

Then we'll turn up the O2.

If your heart rate slows, meaning you're able to catch your breath, we'll turn it

back down.

And that's where we'll leave you.

Right there.

Oh, I thought you guys were dicks before.

You know the funniest part of this?

You still think we're making you a superhero.

You.

A dishonorable discharge.

Hip-deep in hookers.

You're nothing.

Your secret, Wade.

This workshop doesn't make superheroes.

We make super slaves.

We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the

highest bidder.

Who knows what they'll have you doing?

Terrorizing citizens?

Putting down freedom fighters?

Maybe just mow the occasional lawn.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You're never going home after this.

No, there's a brave face.

Wait, wait.

Seriously?

You actually have something in your teeth now.

Until your weekend.

Weekend?

Weekend?

Amen.

Did I say this was a love story?

No, it's a horror movie

I've merely raised your stress levels high enough to trigger a mutation.

You sadistic fuck!

I've cured you, Wade.

Your mutated cells can heal anything.

Stacking your cancer as fast as it can form.

Yeah, I've seen similar side effects before.

I could cure them.

But where's the fun in that?

Not because I need to.

Because I want to.

Oh well.

Go ahead.

Oh, you smart shit.

Fuck. It's all right, it's all right.

I think we have him, that one, yeah?

You take off.

Go on.

Off you go.

Quick

question.

What's my name?

Sorry, Francis.

My lips are sealed.

Okay.

You don't want to kill me.

I'm the only one who can fix your arcane mug.

I didn't just get the cure to L-cancer.

I got the cure to L-everything.

But there was only one thing that really mattered.

God, it's so fucking hot in here.

Freaking...

I'm not making her life as ugly as mine. Come on, Wade. It can't be that bad.

Ah, bullshit!

I'm a monster inside and out. I belong in a fucking circus.

Wait, Vanessa loves you. She doesn't care what you... Oh.

Oh. Do you like what you see?

No.

You look like an avocado.

Had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.

Yeah. Not gently, like it was hate-fucking.

There was something wrong with the relationship, and that was the only

catharsis that they could find without violence.

And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug is the British shitstick who ran the

mutant factory, and he's gone.

Poof. Yeah, well, you gotta do something to remedy this, because as of now, you

only have one course of action.

Damn straight.

Find Francis. Star in horror films.

What? Star in your own horror films. Because you look like Freddy Krueger

face-fucking topographical map of Utah.

There's what I'm actually gonna do.

I'm going to work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to

fix this, then put a bullet in his skull, and fuck the brain hole.

I don't want to see that or think of it again.

But the douchebag does think you're dead, right?

Yeah. That's good. You should keep it that way. What, like wear a mask? Yes, a

very thick mask, all the time.

I am sorry, you are haunting.

Your face is the stuff of nightmares. Like a testicle with teeth. You will die

alone. I mean, if you could die.

Ideally.

For others' sake. That'll do.

All you need now is a suit and a nickname.

Like Wayne the Wisecracker.

Or Scaredevil.

Mr. Never Die.

Ah, shit.

What?

I put all my money on you, and now... I just realized I'm never gonna win the,

uh... Deadpool.

Captain Deadpool.

No, just Deadpool, yeah.

To you, Mr. Pool.

Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking franchise.

Deadpool.

Deadpool.

Deadpool.

This shit's gonna have nuts in it.

First Francis?

Salsa water and lemon for blood.

Or wear red.

Captain Deadpool!

Nah, just Deadpool.

Don't make me ask twice.

Where is Francis?

You made me ask twice.

Is the mask muffling my voice?

About to take you all to school with guns and knives.

Where's Francis?

Where the fuck is Francis?

You're about to be killed by a Zamboni.

Where's Francis?

No, please.

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, little spider monkey!

Crazy-ass car job, looking at doors, so click, click, boom!

Where is Francis?

It's just confusing.

Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line

gets real blurry.

Stop, Francesca.

Tell me where your fucking boss is, or you're gonna die!

Sexy motherfucker.

Sexy motherfucker.

Don't hesitate to go.

Nice to see you, Jarrett.

I'll take footlong.

Fully loaded.

41 confirmed kills. Now it's 89.

About to be 90.

Mr. Wilson?

Ding, ding.

You're looking very alive.

Ha! Only on the outside.

This is not going to end well for me. This is not going to end well for you,

no. Where's your boss?

I can tell you exactly.

Oh, you'll tell me. But first, you might want to look away for this.

Now this little piggy went to... Thank you, Agent Smith.

Taxi!

Hop in. Wait for a ride.

And we all know how this turned out.

Whoops. You weren't meant to see that.

There. All caught up.

Seltzer water and lemon for blood.

Some kinds of anger can't be managed.

Like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting

dismembered.

That said, when it comes time to licking wounds, there's no place like home.

And I share that home with someone you've met. The old blind lady from the

laundromat, Al.

God, I miss cocaine.

Her?

Fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break.

That's like 16 walls She's like Robin to my Batman except she's old and black

and blind and I think she's in love with me Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman,

too

Morning, sleuthy head.

It smells like old lady pants in here. Yes, I'm old. I wear pants.

But you're no lady.

Oh, so comfy.

Upside of being blind, I've never seen you in Crocs. You mean my big rubber

masturbating shoes?

Yes, I know.

Downside of being blind, I hear everything in this duplex.

Sit on a stick.

Back team?

Yeah.

Bactine should do it.

How's that Cullin coming along?

Ikea doesn't assemble itself, you know. You're telling me.

I don't mind the Cullin.

It's an improvement on the Hurdal. Please.

Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal.

I'd have taken an MNES or a Tresol over the Hurdal.

Oh, no. I didn't get excited until I saw the Cullin.

Screw, please.

Here? Now? Just kidding. I know it's been decades.

You'd be surprised.

I'm pretty grossed out.

I wish I never heard of Craigslist.

And I quote, looking for roommate blind to life's imperfections must be good

with hands, or would you rather I build the Ikea and you pay rent? Why such a

douche this morning?

Let's recap.

The cock thistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms

today.

Arm.

Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back,

and prevent this shit from happening to someone else.

So yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo.

Hashtag drive-by.

Found out who our friend in the red suit is.

Fucking Wade Wilson.

Suppose I'd wear a mask too if I had a face like that.

I only wish I healed the same.

Still, we'll put him out of our misery on our terms.

Right. And when he heals?

He can't.

Not if there's nothing left of him to heal.

You know, it's funny.

I almost missed the fucker.

I like a challenge.

But he's bad for business.

Now let's go find him.

Tylenol PM?

You can stick that where you stuck the Bactine. I raided my stash of wisdom

teeth to build a set, and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now.

But I appreciate the gesture.

You are crazy.

Why is your hand really small?

About the size of a KFC spork.

I get why you're so pissy.

But your mood's never gonna brighten till you find this woman and tell her

how you feel. What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me.

If you could see me, you'd understand.

Looks aren't everything.

Looks are everything.

You ever heard David Beckham speak?

It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium.

Think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method?

Love is blind, Wade.

No.

You're blind.

So you're just gonna lie there and whimper?

No, I'm going to wait until this arm plows through puberty, and then I'm

going to come up with a whole new Christmas Day plan.

In the meantime, you might want to leave the room.

I bet it feels huge in this hand.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

So the doctor says the bad news is you don't have that long to live. So the

patient says, how long do I have? The doctor says, five.

The guy says, five what?

The doctor says, four, three, two.

Can I help you ladies?

I do hope so.

I heard you might be able to point me in the direction of a friend of mine.

Name of Wade Wilson.

Sorry, I don't know the name.

You're not supposed to be behind the bar.

I've seen this girl.

Oh, this must be Vanessa.

I've heard so much about you.

Um,

sweetheart, you might want to look around.

This isn't really the place to do something like that.

Easy, Angel.

Put the little man down.

We have everything we need now.

You sure?

You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic?

Let's have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II.

Whew.

Thanks for having my back, guys.

Wait. We have a fucking problem.

And by we, I mean you.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Is there a word for half afraid, half angry?

Yeah, frangry, I guess.

Have you decided what you're going to say to her?

Fuck me.

Maybe not start with that.

Hey, coming onto our stage right now, give it up for Chastity.

Or as I like to call her, Irony. Gotta find her fast before Numbnuts does. How

do you know she's in here?

Because I'm constantly stalking that fox.

I can just roll up cause I'm swole up. So that birthday can't get to Cobra.

Bugatti for real, I'm Cobra.

The autobiography's over.

Got the key to my city, it's over.

Snow thoughts only in the color covers. I said wreck it, wreck it, hold up. I

said wreck it, wreck it, hold up.

Every time I see her, it's

like the first time.

Especially from this angle.

You can't buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes.

No, you weak motherfucker.

Come on.

Come on, get it together. This isn't about me, this is about Vanessa.

Here we go.

Next one, I heard.

Vanessa!

Someone out back asking for you.

Something about an old boyfriend.

I knew it was you.

The weird curvy edges.

Like a jigsaw puzzle.

You have Wade Wilson to thank for this.

Hey, hey, where'd she go?

It's our head to the back. Go get her, tiger.

Let's just well, we can talk or you can hit that. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Hey, whoa.

Yeah. Whoa.

Relax. Relax. Whoa. Okay.

Okay. I think that's a good start.

Motherfucking.

Fine. I'm fine. I'm going to get angry.

All right. Okay. All right. Here, this is Vanessa.

What? No, wait, it's Francis. He wants you.

come to him. What is that?

That's the shit emoji.

You know, it's the turd with the smiling face and the eyes. I thought it was

chocolate yogurt for so long.

I need guns.

Okay, which ones?

I need all the guns! Alright, okay.

It's about 3,000 rounds.

We all know what I can do with 12.

Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Millsap. We're downrange.

I was going to spend the night assembling the boyji, but this is

holding my interest.

I told you, we're going with the Urdvash, not the Bjorsa. Get it through

your head or get out of fucktown.

Shit.

That's all the pieces in the house. No, no, no, no, no, no. Come on, let's go.

Cough it up.

Up, up, up, up, up, up, up.

Go. Down, down, down, down. Fuck you.

25 Cal.

I like it.

Wait.

I'd go with you, but I don't want to... Hey,

listen, Al.

If I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much.

And also, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine buried somewhere in the

apartment right next to the cure for blindness.

Wanna get fucked up?

Put that down over here.

Go on then.

Thanks, Dickless.

And I mean you.

Well, you're a talker too.

You and Wade.

I've been trying to tell you assholes you've got the wrong girl.

My old boyfriend, he's dead.

See, I thought that too.

But he keeps on coming back.

Like a cockroach.

Uglier.

Now, I may not feel, but he does.

Let's see how he fights with your head on the block.

Ripley from Alien 3.

Fuck your old.

Ah, fake laugh.

Hiding real pain.

Go get silver balls.

You guys going for a bite?

Early bird special?

Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money.

No, you know that bad guy that you let go?

He's got my girl.

You're gonna help me get her back.

Wait, is that you?

Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse.

I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever

see two of you. It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.

That, in my opinion, the movie Cocoon is pure pornography.

Who brought this twinkly man?

Twinkly, but deadly. My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me

this solid.

In exchange, I said that I would consider joining his boy band. It's not

boy band.

Sure it's not.

So, any luck winning Gita back?

I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool, but Pandhu is more craftier and handsomer

than me. Well, I think you're pretty darn cute.

Dopinder? Hmm?

What was that?

Uh, that was... Pandhu.

In the trunk?

Bandhu? My romantic rival, Bandhu.

He's tied up in the trunk. I'm doing, as you said, DP. I plan to gut him like a

tandoori fish, then dump his carcass on Geeta's doorstep.

I did not tell him to do that. Absolutely not.

You got lost in translation, Dopinder. This is no way to win Geeta's heart

back. I'm so proud of you. Drop Bandhu off safe and gentle like you kill him,

and then win Geeta back the old-fashioned way with your voice. What

is Charm?

Kidnapper.

He's super dead.

I presume a crisp high five?

For you?

Ten.

Okay guys, let's get out there and make a difference.

You know what to do.

Welcome dead, fool boy.

Time to make the chimmy fucking chongas.

Not often a dude ruins your face, skull stomps your sanity, grabs your future

baby mama, and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments.

Let's just say, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Hey, where's your duffel bag?

Leave a message and have a happy day. God damn it! I'm gonna do this the old

-fashioned way. With two swords and maximum effort.

Hear the music. I'm a wolf in sheep's clothing. Only nigga that you know who

can chill. Come back and get the streets open.

I've been doing this for 19 years.

Niggas want to fight me, fight these tears.

Rainn Wilson!

What's my name?

Ooh, I'm going to fucking spell it out for you.

Go get some.

Superhero landing.

She's gonna do a superhero landing. Wait for it!

Woo!

Superhero landing!

Yeah, that's really hard on your knees.

Totally impractical. They all do it.

You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis.

That's why I brought him.

I prefer not to hit a woman, so please plan... I mean...

That's why I brought her?

Oh, no, finish your tweet.

That's fine. Just give us a second.

There you go. Hashtag it.

Go get her, Tiger.

Oh,

I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex.

All right, then.

Fire!

Fucking her the fuck up! Language, please! Suck a cock!

Look away, child.

Look away!

Wait!

Wait!

Big fire!

Big fire!

Hey! Hey!

You only work for that shit-spackled Muppet fart.

So, I'm gonna give you a chance for y'all to lay down your firearms in

exchange for preferential...

bordering on gentle, possibly even lover-like treatment.

Why, Commando!

I haven't seen you since TGI Fridays.

Well, what the hell?

God, come here, you.

How are the kids?

Good? And Gail, she's still fixing that tuna casserole? So good.

Oh, I'm bad for the waistline if you know what I'm talking about.

Oh.

You're on the left. You're beautiful.

That is so sweet.

Thanks. Does he write you notes too?

He's such a romantic.

Don't worry, baby. I'm coming.

worn his brown pants.

You're right, beautiful.

Red really is my color.

Wait. Don't worry, baby.

Let me get you out of that shitbox.

What better way to crawl back inside that head of yours?

Oh, you never laughed.

But you did, asshole.

Ah, deep breath, darling.

No way.

Wrong choice of words.

I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve, because I'm going to go look

it.

You grow back body parts now, Wade.

When I'm finished, the parts will have to grow back you.

Good one.

Yeah, that was a good one.

Let's dance.

And by dance, I mean let's try to kill each other.

Sounds like your last Saturday night.

Oh man!

Just think.

There are no words.

Me and you are headed to fix this butterface.

Did you really think there was a cure for that?

What?

You have me.

No.

No!

So,

you mean to say, after all this, you can't fix me?

It sounds even stupider when you say it. Like the kind of stupid who admits he

can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for?

Any last words?

What's my name?

Who fucking cares?

Wait!

Four or five moments.

I'm sorry?

Four or five moments. That's all it takes.

To...

Be a hero.

Everyone thinks it's a full-time job.

Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, go to work a hero.

Not true.

Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter.

Moments when you're offered a choice. To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a

friend, spare an enemy.

In these moments, everything else falls away.

The way the world sees us.

The way we... Why?

You were droning on.

Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread, but at least

fuckface won't heal from that.

It's wearing superhero tights.

I've been sparing psychopaths, and maybe I wasn't meant to wear them.

Not everyone modders a hall like you.

Just promise. Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the lookout for the next four moments.

Shit. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just a boy about to stand in front of a girl

and tell her... What the fuck am I gonna tell her? Well, you better figure it

out.

i can't even tell you i deserve that too no no no no no maybe maybe not the

nethers start talking i'm sorry i'm so

sorry for everything i'm sorry for for for leaving i'm sorry for not cowboying

up sooner for a couple of years

I live in a crack house.

With a family of 12.

Every night we spoon for warmth, everybody fights for Noelle.

She's the fattest.

There's nothing that we don't share.

Floor space, dental floss.

Even condoms.

So you live in a house.

I should have come and found you sooner.

But maybe the guy under this mask, he ain't the same one that you remember.

You mean this mask?

And this one.

In case the other fell off.

You just... Ow. Like a band-aid, just give it to me.

Howdy, 5,000.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you sure?

Hey After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks It's a

face I'd be happy to

sit on

I'm

not the same underneath this suit either

Come on, Wade. Language.

Young one is present.

What are you still doing? Get out of here. Go make yourself useful. You. Go

be a really big brother to someone. Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. And

you, chicken noodle.

Nothing compares to you. Sinead O'Connor, 1990.

Sorry. That's all right.

You're cool.

What in the ass?

That was not mean.

I'm proud of you.

We will make an X-Men of you yet, Wade.

You know, for a second there, it felt like we were three mini-lion robots

coming together to form one super robot.

There's a stupid.

Yeah.

And now, for the moment I've all been waiting for.

As promised.

See?

You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl.

The right girl will bring out the hero in you.

Now, let's finish this epic wide shot, pull out.

There we go. That looks nice. It's gonna be the only thing that's pulling out

tonight. Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh?

Until next time, this is your friendly neighborhood pool guy singing, I'm never

gonna dance again the way I dance with you.

We heard each other.

How you doing, baby?

No.

Not you.

The bow-legged one.

Yeah. What's your name?

Damn, baby.

That sounds sexy.

Here I go, here I go, here I go. Okay, girls, what's my weakness?

Okay, then, chillin', chillin', mindin' my business.

You thought I looked around and I couldn't believe this. I swear, I snared

my niece, my witness.

Something kind of unwicked, wicked, had to kick it. I'm not shy, so I ask for

the digits. I hope no fat don't make me see what I want. Slips tied to his

whipping. Belted in my hips, so I dip back to my bag of tricks. Then I flip

for a dip. Made me want to do tricks on him. Lick him like a lollipop should be

licked. Came to my senses, and I chill for a bit. Don't know how you do the

voodoo that you do so well. This is so hell. Makes me want to shoot, shoot,

shoot. Shoot, shoot, battle.

Shoot, battle, shoot.

Super Super Super

I wanna thank your mother for a butt like that. Can I get some fries with

that shake shake boobie? If looks could kill you, would be an easy or a shotgun

bang. What's up with that thang? I wanna know, how does it hang?

Straight up, wait up, hold up, Mr. Lover. Like Prince said, you're a sexy

mother. Well, I like them real wild. B-boy style by the miles.

Smooth black skin with a smile. Bright as the sun. I wanna have some fun. Come

and get me some of that yum yum chocolate chip honey dip.

Can I get a scoop?

Baby, take a ride in my coupe. You make me wanna shoot, shoot battle.

Don't you know I wanna shoot, baby.

Shoot, shoot battle, shoot battle, shoot battle, battle, battle, shoot, shoot

battle, shoot battle, shoot battle, battle, battle. Well, let me bring it

back to the subject. That's all it said. Make you get hot, make you work up a

sweat. When you sit to my loo, my darling, not falling in love, but I'm

falling for you.

When I get drunk, bet you by the dollar you were best under pressure.

Yo, Sandy, I want to, like, taste you. Get your lips wet, cause it's time to

have pep. On your mark, get set, go. Let me go. Let me shoot to the next man in

the three-piece suit. I spend all my dough.

Rainy, cutie, shoot, shoot, but do me like Scooby-Dooby-Doo. I love you in

your big jeans. You give me nice dreams. You make me want to scream.

I like what you do, when you do, what you do, you make me want to shoot.

Oh my goodness.

Girl, look at him.

He's the cutest brother in here.

And he's coming this way.

Yes, and the B wanna get with me, cool, but I'm wicked, G. Hit skins whenever,

quickly. I hit the skins for the hell of it, just for the yell I get. Mm-mm-mm,

for the smell of it. You want my bod, here's the hot rod.

12 inches to a yard and have you sounding like a retard.

Big 12 of a 6'2 wanna hit you. So what you wanna do? What you wanna do? I wanna

shoot. Shoot battle.

Shoot battle.

Shoot battle. Battle.

Shoot battle.

super super

You're still here.

It's over.

Go home.

Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that

kind of money.

You expecting Sam Jackson to show up with an eye patch and a saucy little

leather number? Go, go.

Oh!

But I can tell you one thing and it's a bit of a secret the sequel we're gonna

have cable Amazing character ionic arm time travel. We have no idea who we're

gonna cast yet But it could be anybody just need a big guy with a flat top

could be Mel Gibson Dolph Lundgren Keira Knightley She's got range who knows

anyway big secret. Oh and don't leave your garbage all lying around.

It's a total dick move