Original subtitles

So, Mr. Barber, we've had a complaint from Miss, um... I think you know my

name by now. I have been here over a year. No, I don't think I do. Well, why

don't you just call me anything you like?

Why not call me Miss Chakrabarti?

Right. So, Miss Chakrabarti.

Poston. Well, why did you say your name was Chakrabarti? Well, look, it doesn't

really matter right now, does it? Well, anyway, this woman here, whatever her

name is, Poston Chakrabarti, we'll never know, has been telling tales on you.

No, that's not actually true, Gareth. I was just very concerned about your

welfare. So concerned she dropped you in it.

What am I supposed to have done now? Just be honest, please, Gareth. Have you

been sleeping in my classroom? Like a dirty vagrant.

Miss Chakrabarti's words, not mine. No.

No, no, I promise you I'm back on my feet now. I just got the caravan back

from the bailiffs. Well, then, why did I find this on top of my store cupboard?

How do you know it was mine?

Because it says Mr Barber's Box.

That doesn't mean I've been bedding down there the last fortnight.

Toothbrush.

Underpants, triple extra extra large. Oh, God, no.

Camping stove. What'd I do with that?

Tin of all-day breakfast in a can. Oh, rumbled.

Packet of wet wipes.

Yeah, as though I'd use those instead of having a bath.

And finally, a specialist magazine entitled...

Hot mature babes. I only read that for the articles.

There aren't any articles because I had a quick flick through.

Do they accept readers' photographs?

Yeah, that's the best bit.

Do they blur the faces?

Sorry to break this up. I think we're becoming distracted from the issue at

hand.

So, Mr Barber, there will be no more sleeping on school property. Is that

understood? Yes, Mistress.

Of course.

100%. Excellent.

Does that include the cleaning cupboard?

Yes.

Boiler room? Absolutely anywhere on school property.

Got it.

Shed.

Oh, last to leave again, am I?

Aye. I'm just going to lock up and head home myself.

I'm not bedding down in the school, no matter what that Mrs Chakrabarti says.

Not sure I've met her.

Well, good night, caretaker.

Thank you.

See you in the morning.

By which time I'd have definitely gone home and come back again, so...

I had to have a word with the head yesterday.

I think he was actually sleeping in my classroom.

Sad, innit? Kipping in the school.

Explains why your room stank.

Didn't stink.

Might have been a slight stale odour.

Yeah, but think of all the guffs he was letting off in the night.

I'd rather not.

I'm just glad I've nipped it in the bud.

Oh, my God!

Bloody hell.

Morning.

Oh, no.

There's been a fire.

And so I will be dismissing Mr. Barber with immediate effect.

Oh, no. No, no. I feel so bad about this. Please, please don't sack him.

Says the one who grassed him up. Look, the important thing to remember here is

not who did or didn't grass him up, and nobody did, so let's stop using the G

word. The important thing is that we have a colleague... Well, the teachers

are colleagues. He's more support staff. And a friend.

OK, someone that we know very well... I don't know him that well. ..who we've

met, who desperately needs our help, otherwise he will end up begging on the

streets. I read in the Daily Mail the other day that some of these beggars

make over a quarter of a million pounds a year.

Look, all Gareth needs is a place to sleep.

I mean, if he had somewhere to live, you wouldn't sack him, would you? No, I

wouldn't, Miss Chakrabarti. Her name's not... So, I'm sure you'd love to be the

one who puts him up.

Well... Well, yeah, I'm glad you brought that up.

Miss Barron, yes, I would love to put Gareth up. That's settled, then. But...

Here we go.

I only have the one spare room.

And? And it only has a sofa bed.

And that's not a long-term solution, is it? He needs a bed.

A bed that stays a bed.

What a kind-hearted woman you are. Anybody else before I sack him?

Mr Church? Oh, like Sarah, I'd love to.

But... Ah, here we go again. Only have the one large towel.

Wouldn't be fair on Gareth to expect him to use a damp towel.

Could you not buy another towel?

Well, then I'd need a bigger towel rack and so on and so on and so on and so

forth. It would quickly descend into chaos. Well, there we have it. Mr Barber

will be out of a job and sleeping on the streets.

What? Oh, Trevor, can't you put Gareth on?

No, no, no way. But you're always telling me how big and comfy your bed

is. Oh, is he?

You said it could fit you, me and Pippa Middleton.

Yeah, I'd love to. I mean, them posh birds, they're film.

So you could easily fit Gareth in.

Problem solved.

Thank you, Mr Gunn.

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, bollocks.

Oh, hello.

Thank you for letting me share your classroom.

We're finally moving in together.

Yes, but just into a classroom.

Yes. And it's only for a couple of weeks. Maybe longer. No, because by then

my own classroom will have been redecorated. With any luck, it might

burn down again.

That was misjudged. It is too soon to joke about the inferno. I realise that

now. So, did you manage to salvage much from the fire? The inferno? The inferno.

No. My cheese map of France got very badly singed. I'm sorry to hear that. My

papier-mâché Arc de Triomphe is just a massive twisted chicken wire.

Dare I ask what happened to your novelty rubber baguette?

It's a sticky beige pool on the floor. Oh.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

I'm comforting you.

Right, well, I'm not feeling very comforted. Should I stop?

Yeah.

Well, stay right there. I've got a welcome gift for you.

Un bottle de vin.

Oh, merci, monsieur.

Oh, just a small one. Well, I know you live alone, so a full-size bottle would

be too much for one sitting.

Well, I could have asked one of my toy boys round.

You don't have a toy boy, do you? No, it was a joke.

Maybe I'll laugh about it later.

Don't forget to read the card. I won't. So where can I put all my kit? Oh, Jo

will find a place for it. Jo!

Hello, Jo.

Hello, Joe.

Sarah's moving in with us. That's super news, isn't it?

Will you find a place for Sarah's things, please?

This is my bedroom.

Or as I call it, Sheikh Central.

Well, it's very kind of you to put your rutting on hold for me. It's all right.

It's the birds I feel sorry for.

Right, then, a guided tour.

Got me own beer fridge. Oosh!

Help yourself.

Thanks. It's ten pound a can. Oh.

I'll just pop down the off you and get myself a jumbo bottle of cider, then.

Eh?

You got some smashing toys.

No, they're not toys. They're collectible miniatures.

Yeah, if you say so.

Don't touch him!

Forgot what a mattress feels like.

Well, we're gonna have to, um, you know, sort of top and tail, so if you put your

head that end and your feet that end. Yeah, all right.

You know what, and I'll go this end.

Here we go, boys.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

That should keep you going.

Oh, thanks.

A smashing glass of milk, Mrs G. Oh, that's kind. Thank you.

Have one of my special crispy cakes. Do you mind if I do?

You like it? Delicious.

Could be part of the Tesco's finest range. I'm so pleased.

Trevor never says anything nice about my cooking.

Yeah, I do. You don't? And it's so lovely you're staying with us. You know,

Trevor never introduces me to any of his friends. I wouldn't exactly say that.

I've got to say that this boy has been like a rock for me.

Probably the best friend I've ever had.

What a lovely thing to say.

Jesus, you stink! I've got a bone to pick with you, Trevor. You never told me

you have such a beautiful mother.

Gareth. You got any washing out to be getting on with?

All right.

Get the message.

Tell you what.

You wash, I'll dry. Oh, well, you can come again.

Let me take that. Come on.

Ladies first.

Gareth.

If you come back in again, knock.

That means he'll be touching himself.

Bonjour, Monsieur Church.

What have you done to my classroom?

Our classroom, remember?

Don't you like it? Look at my periodic table.

You've completely obscured the transition metals.

I'm sorry, this is going to have to come down. Don't you touch that. What?

That is staying exactly where it is.

How else are the kids supposed to know the French for a ham and cheese toasted

sandwich? Well, very easily, because it's even called a croque monsieur in

Wetherspoons. Is it?

Now I'm in the way of the periodic table. Well, perhaps I should just go

too, should I? Come on. Come on, Sarah. Out you go. Come on. Come on. You're

obscuring some boring old metals. There is nothing boring about transition

metals. They happen to have the highest density of all the metals. Boring!

And if you'll excuse me, Sarah, I have a chemistry lesson to teach, because lest

we forget, this is a chemistry classroom.

Well, I know where I'm not wanted.

Oh, and you should know that your lab technician has been extremely hostile

towards me. Oh, for God's sake, Sarah, don't drag Jo into this. It's been a

very confusing time for her, and I happen to know she's grown very fond of

you. Haven't you, Jo?

In fairness, she has been very phlegmy.

It's taking on the texture of a bread pudding. Yeah. That chocolate flavour.

That's the best way to describe it. But in no way... There you go, Mrs G.

Oh, thank you, Gareth.

Oh, thank you for a cracking dinner.

Those Finder's crispy pancakes were cooked to perfection.

See? I am a good cook.

What do you mean? You just take them out of the freezer and put them in the oven.

Trevor!

I was watching that.

Oh, it's Top Gear. No, Master Chef, I... Top Gear's just starting.

It's what your mother says, eh?

It'd be wonderful on this programme, Mrs G.

Really? I don't know about that.

If our angel delights anything to go by, you'd walk it.

I hate Master Chef. It's boring.

It'd be some bull-blogger's boyfriend eating asparagus.

You are obviously not enjoying it, so why don't you just go to your room? All

right, then I will. Come on, Gareth.

We're going to my room. No, you go on.

I'll stay and keep your mum company.

Where too many people look at it as a place full of chores.

Exactly. So the difference in the approach is enormous. And that

difference is what gets people into the... Mmm, you smell nice.

Did my back in last night.

Right, get out.

What have I done?

You know exactly what you've done.

And you ain't just done it once, have you?

I mean, you've done it again.

And again.

And again.

So get out.

I can't walk all the way to school.

Barely made it down the stairs this morning. Out!

It's about me and your mum, isn't it? Don't.

Seriously, just...

Oh.

Your mum asked if you can pick up a large tub of margarine on the wheel.

We got through a lot of it last night.

Thanks for helping me, Joe.

I know we didn't get off to the best start, but, um...

This is fun, isn't it?

We should spend some more time together outside school. What do you think?

Go out one day?

Just lost girls?

Do a bit of shopping?

Or as I call it, retail therapy.

That's funny, isn't it, Jo?

Retail therapy.

Oh, we could get mani-pedis.

You could get your toes waxed.

Or I could do you a makeover.

I've done it lots of times for friends.

And, well, I don't want to exaggerate, but just by picking the right lip gloss,

I've transformed women's lives.

I mean, you know, I can't promise you this.

But have a think, yeah?

Morning, Keith.

Oh, nice to see my girls getting on.

Joe's been helping me with my chaussure pour femme poster.

Really? Yeah, we've been having a right old girly chat.

So that's why my conical flasks are unwashed, is it?

Yes, I said she could do those later.

Joe, will you excuse us one moment, please?

Jo is my lab technician. She is not your lab technician. French teachers do not

have lab technicians.

Oh, sorry. My bad. I thought we were sharing everything. We are sharing a

classroom, that is all. Sorry, Jo, we haven't quite finished.

Oh, yes, we have finished, Jo. I'm leaving.

Where are you going?

Well, you obviously don't care about my burned-out classroom, so from now on,

I'll teach my lessons in the toilet!

Mr Church, why would you force a colleague to teach her classes in a

lavatory? A better question would be to ask Miss Poston why my conical flasks

were left unwashed.

Because Jo was helping me cut out pictures of shoes.

OK? But Jo was meant to be rinsing my

conical flasks. OK? Oh, God, here we go again.

Why don't the two of you just go off and have some angry sex?

Well, I was thinking I could just change classrooms.

We should consider all the options.

Except that one.

And having shared with you, I can see why you live alone. I can see why you

live alone. I don't live alone. I live with José Jim. They're cats.

Yes, I know they're cats, Keith, and they're a lot better company than you

are. Well, I can see why you enjoy their company so much, because they don't

answer back, so you can just drone on and on and on and on! Oh, listen to you

droning on and on and on and on! So she comes into my classroom, she puts up a

poster of her shoes!

You're both as bad as each other.

Mr Church, go back to your chemistry lab.

Miss Chakrabarti, go back to your classroom.

But it is still being read.

Talk to the hand, cos the face ain't listening.

How's it going with Sarah?

Yes. Fine, thank you.

How's it going with Gareth?

Could be bad.

Good.

Oh, God, she's coming over. Hello, Sarah.

You all right, babes?

I'm fine, thank you, Trevor.

I'm working on sunshine.

Whoa, I'm going to feel good.

Have you been sniffing the creosote again?

No, those days are behind me. I'm on a natural high.

Oh, good for you, Gareth, because you are normally someone who, forgive me,

sucks the life out of the room.

I? That was the old Gareth. This is the new Gareth. He's got his module back.

Well, that was all sudden.

Yes, what exactly happened overnight?

Don't.

Don't.

Seriously.

Don't.

Trevor, don't.

Don't worry, Trevor.

I'm not going to go into all the ins and outs of what I got up to with your

mother. It's my mum you're talking about.

She only ever done it once, and that was to have me.

Oh, my.

I don't think so, Ant.

Your mum knows more tricks than Paul Daniels.

Look what you've done to my Ferrari tester. What's the matter?

Don't worry.

After school, we can pop by Toys R Us and pick up a new one.

It is not a toy.

It is a collector's item.

Please, Trevor.

Sit down.

Rita, do you want me to tell him? No, no.

Let me, Gareth.

Tell me what?

You know how much I love you, Trevor.

But...

What?

Well, um, me and Gareth have been...

..talking, and we both think it's best for you

if you start looking for a place of your own.

What? All we want is for you to be happy.

I was happy till he came along.

That's very rude, Trevor. Rude?!

I'll tell you what's rude, and that's giving your bed to somebody for the

night, and then they go, thank you very much. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going

to go and hop on your mum. Oh!

Don't talk like that in front of your mother.

Anyway, there's more kicks your mum hopping on me. Oh!

She rode me like it was the Grand National, Bob. Oh, right, that's it.

I'm done.

You do what you want.

But I'm moving out.

And don't try and stop me because you can't.

I said don't try and stop me.

Do you want to get a quick one in before work?

I'm back on track.

The voices in my head have gone.

That's reassuring. Got a roof over my head.

I'm not drinking from puddles anymore, and best of all, I'm getting regular

sex. Now that you've put that horrendous image in my mind, what do you want?

I want to be a teacher, OK?

Oh, God!

Here's your cup of tea, Miss Barron.

Please, Headmistress, geography is my passion, and I was born to teach it.

I want to share my love of crop rotation and coastal erosion. Are you all right,

Gareth? You sound quite mental again.

Please, Miss Barron, it's my passion.

My passion. Well, what happens when the children start chanting...

They'd have forgotten about all

that.

Come on.

Give this geography teacher a chance to sing again, eh? On a caretaker's salary.

I do it for nothing.

It's a deal.

You are a beautiful woman.

Don't touch.

Of course.

Daphne, show Mr Barber out.

Out where?

Out the door.

I won't let you down.

I promise you this.

No more fires.

If it's not too much to ask.

You all right, miss?

Mm?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

It's just that, um... Well, someone's written a poem, especially for me.

Is it Mr Church?

Is it that obvious that he likes me?

Yeah. And he's written his name at the bottom.

Right.

Yeah.

At Greybridge School, you're a ray of light.

Beautiful, kind, witty and bright. Well, certainly got me down to a T.

You're an asset to the Department of French and as welcoming as a lovely

bench.

I don't really get the bit about the bench. Well, he's just trying to find

something to rhyme with French.

And why does he say Department of French and not French Department? All right,

you're being a bit of a killjoy now, Nicholas.

I am, yes.

No, I'm sorry.

I'm just a little bit all over the place with everything at the moment.

Maybe you shouldn't drink at school. Right. I didn't actually drink anything,

though, did I? Because I spat it back into the bottle.

Look, I really like Mr Church.

I mean, his heart's in the right place, but it's just sometimes he can be really

annoying. Yeah.

But then so can you, so it could work.

See ya.

Bye.

Mum's back.

Hello. I read your poem.

Oh.

Did you like it?

I give it an A star.

I did struggle to find anything to rhyme with French.

I barely noticed.

Keith, no one's ever written me a poem before.

That surprises me.

I'd have thought a woman, dare I say it, beautiful as you, would have had

between... Five and ten poems written about her? Or more, but no.

May I offer you a lift?

I thought you'd never ask.

You all right?

Yes, sir.

Yes, I'm fine.

You've been drinking?

No, I just rinsed my mouth with wine.

So, where would you like to go?

Let's be spontaneous.

Just drive and let's go where the open road takes us.

Bella Italian?

That sounds good.

We said we'd never change, but we never stopped to think about it.

No, we're not the same, but let's not break the chain.

We should play this game together.