Original subtitles

Morning, headmistress.

Can't you see I'm working? May I sit down? No. I was wondering if you were

any closer to finding the culprit who dropped the bag of drugs in the

playground, the marijuana.

The herb problem is being dealt with as we speak. There's a peculiar smell in

here. Must be the glade.

They've brought out a new flavor.

Oh, really?

What's it called?

Jamaican breeze.

On your way out, perhaps you could tell my secretary I'm not to be disturbed.

Thank you so much.

And if you find another bag of ganja on school property, do bring it straight to

me.

Daphne? Yes? Our glorious leader has asked not to be disturbed.

Right.

Do not disturb headmistress.

Hello? The Greybrick School?

No, you're right, it is Greybridge.

I'll put you straight through to her.

What's up?

Ofsted?

Hello?

I can still hear talking.

God, it's like being at school.

You are at school.

Well... Right, everyone.

We need to batten down the hatches. There's a major shitstorm coming our

way. Tomorrow, we have a little visit from our friends at Ofsted.

Oh, great.

First I'll go and drop my bag of grass in the playground. Now, hear this.

The inspection is being led by one Ms.

Steele, who, as some of you have heard, seems to get her kicks from closing down

schools. So we all have to be on top form tomorrow.

With respect, Ms. Barron, let's remember that great teachers have nothing to fear

from an inspection.

True. So I suggest you take the day off sick.

We're all right behind you, Headmistress. If the children misbehave,

we'll beat them. Oh, God help us.

Right.

Yes, Miss, um... It's Poston.

We haven't time for that.

Well, as you know, my teaching methods are somewhat maverick, but I get

results. The point is... Get into it. My question, should I employ a more

traditional style of teaching for the inspection or just carry on being the

inspirational Miss Poston the kids know and love?

My advice would be to turn down the volume on your personality, dear. It's

extremely grating. Any more questions?

Nobody? Right, that's it. Class dismissed.

Sarah, just wanted to say, in answer to your question...

Don't go changing.

Oh, thank you.

I love you just the way you are.

That's very kind.

Do-do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do.

Don't go changing to try and please me. You're embarrassing me now. Stop singing

immediately. Sorry, but I mean it. Don't change a thing. Your teaching, your

hair, your mole. I don't have a mole.

Well, what's that thing on your chin? It's a beauty spot.

Is it? Yes.

Sure. It is a beauty spot.

Sorry. Forget I said anything.

But for future reference, how big does a beauty spot have to be before it can be

categorised as a mole? A lot bigger than this.

Got it.

But as I said, don't change a thing.

Teachers like us don't need to.

Well, you do. Excuse me? You need to change.

I appreciate your honesty, Sarah. If there was one small area I could perhaps

improve upon, what would it be?

Where to start?

Well, the kids find your lessons boring.

I haven't heard that one before.

And you're very pedantic. Yeah, I did just say one area. Plus, you're really

old-fashioned. You know, the way you talk, the way you dress. Yeah, I'm going

to stop you there. It's getting quite personal. Yes, well, the mole was quite

personal. Now you're saying it is a mole. If you'll excuse me, Keith, I've

got a rather exciting French lesson to go and teach, unlike... Chemistry

lessons, which I've heard, can be rather dull.

Now, tomorrow, we're going to have an Ofsted inspector sitting in the class

with us. Oh, my God. Are you going to lose your job? No, no, of course I'm

not. I'm actually probably the best teacher here. Then why can't we speak

French, Miss?

All I'm going to say is, can you just behave as if it's a normal lesson?

Uh, Nicholas, could I just speak to you? Am I in trouble, Miss? No.

Um... Bubblegum?

What?

Bubblegum? Oh.

No, thank you.

It's Ooba Booba.

It's Hubba Bubba. I'm fine, thank you.

So, how are things?

Fine.

Not really, are they?

Are they? Are they really, though? Yeah, fine. Not being bullied?

Nope. Well, that's a shame.

Can I go in now? No. A bit of extra homework for you. Can you just learn

this tonight, and then tomorrow we'll go through it in class?

Is it a play, Miss?

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

It's a play of sorts, yeah. I mean, it's just something I've knocked together.

You're playing bullied child, and I've highlighted all your lines for you, so

let's just go through it.

Miss, I need to ask you something.

Yes, I'm your teacher.

I'm here to help.

I'm being bullied, but I'm not being bullied, Miss. No, I know you're not

being bullied, but for tomorrow, could you just pretend that you are?

I don't want to.

Well, that's a shame, Nicholas, because I really wanted to give you an A in your

coursework.

Let me know if you change your mind.

Why are you dressed like that?

Oh, you know me. I've always been very with it.

So what are you going to do when Cher wants her jacket back?

Very funny.

So, Trevor, you looking forward to your last day at Greybridge?

You what?

You must be worried.

Those Ofsted inspectors can sniff out a bad teacher a mile away.

I'm not a bad teacher. Oh, no, no, no.

You're an abominable one.

Who are you calling abominable?

Nobody. The word's abominable. Any good teacher would know that.

Yeah, but what are you going to do when she wants her jacket back? Yes, you've

already done that one.

Morning, Sarah.

Morning.

I see you've taken my advice.

Not really. I was thinking about getting some new threads anyway.

But, uh...

Do you approve?

Can I be honest?

I'd rather you weren't. Then you look great.

Oh, thank you.

Now, have you reserved the inspector's seat in the canteen for lunch? Done. And

have you polished all the trophies in the cabinet?

Yeah, both of them. And has the shiny toilet paper in the staff lavatory been

replaced with something a little more forgiving? I've even left some moist

wipes on top of the system. Daphne, you're a treasure.

What is it?

It's just...

There's a bit of a funny smell in here. Smell of what?

Like someone's been smoking cigarettes, but not normal cigarettes.

Well, I must try and get to the bottom of that. I can smell it in the chairs

and everything. Yes, all right, all right, I'll sort it out. You go and meet

the inspectors, but don't let them in here till I say. Got it. Install them,

give them a guided tour.

Paint a glowing picture of the school. So do or don't mention the outbreak of

happy slapping.

Don't, obviously.

Don't mention. Well, don't write it down.

Now go, go, go. Off you go. They'll be here in a minute.

Excuse me.

Morning. Will you take us to Miss Barron's office?

There you are.

Trying to get the place looking spic and span.

Here we've got a visit coming from those Ofsted bastards.

This way.

Girls' box.

French.

Now, this is my old geography classroom.

That's where it all started unravelling for me.

It's quite un-Welsh, you see. And my name's Barber. Kids used to chant, Bar,

Bar,

Bar.

Non-stop.

When I close my eyes, I can still hear it.

Bar, Bar.

Excuse me. Oh, you can't stop.

How many crouched in a cupboard munching on an atlas?

That's the problem with the kids here. You can't control them. None of us can.

Not even the headmistress.

That's her office.

Stop!

You can't go in. What?

The door's jammed. Ah!

Hold this.

Here, take her to the rescue.

Welcome to Greybridge.

Always a pleasure to have a visit from our friends at Ofsted.

Ofsted.

Oh, bugger.

I've let everyone down again, haven't I?

Who?

My pigeon.

You must be Miss Barron.

May we sit down?

Yes, of course, Miss Steele. Gentlemen.

Here's our brand-new prospectus for you to peruse.

We're very proud of this school. A strip seems to have been ripped off this.

Strange.

I must look into that.

Don't worry, Miss Steele. We've got some more here.

As you can see on page five, we have some terrific plans for the playing

fields that are currently grass.

We need to get rid of the grass.

Oh, we're having astroturf.

We will, but first we desperately need to remove the grass.

What's that?

Nothing. We should really get on with this inspection. Yes, yes, of course.

If you would care to leave any bags here, you're very welcome. That won't be

necessary. Do the teachers all know we're here?

Well, I may have mentioned it in passing to one or two members of staff, but

don't worry. What you're about to see is a perfectly normal day here at

Greybridge.

How is water created?

You look like a sperm.

Well, there's no need for that sort of language.

Sorry about that. Now, Jake, as you know, my lessons are never boring, which

is why today I am a hydrogen atom. And I would like to introduce you to my twin

brother, who is also a hydrogen atom. Mr Hubbard.

I am a sperm.

You are a hydrogen atom.

I am a hydrogen atom. And we are both.

Unstable. That's why I'm on the pills. We are unstable atoms.

So we need to meet another atom with spare electrons.

Joe.

Joe is an oxygen atom, and we are both attracted to her.

Speak for yourself.

In the exercise.

As you may have noticed, Joe has a pair of balls.

Tennis balls, which represent... Anybody?

Testicles.

No. You're not helping.

They are electrons.

Now, us two hydrogen atoms want to share oxygen's electrons so we can bond to

form... Anybody?

I mean, I said 12. No.

Anybody?

Anybody? Up on the board.

H2O. Correct!

And that's how you teach chemistry.

Don't.

Back in the cupboard, please.

This is a disaster.

If Miss Steele finds the drugs were finished.

I'm so sorry, Miss Barron.

I've got an idea. What?

You could happy slap her while I steal the bag.

Seems inconceivable, Daphne. But you've actually come up with something that

will make matters worse.

Thank you. It isn't a compliment.

We have to think of something.

We haven't followed the syllabus this year.

Never have, never will. Not in Luke Martin's class.

We haven't been learning about Beethoven or Mozart or Bach.

Why? Because I make my lessons relevant to the kids.

All this term, we've been learning about the fifth biggest rock band in the UK

right now,

Kasabian. Watch this.

Lead guitarist. Serge Pizzorno.

First single to chart. Hubfoot.

Where did Kasabian meet? Cantersthorpe Community College, Leicester. Smashed

it, mate.

Shame you don't get proper music like Kasabian or Snow Patrol or the Arctic

Gorillas on the GCSE music syllabus.

Or as I like to call it, syllable crap.

Yeah, teacher said a bad word.

Oops. Get over it.

Right.

Get lost, the lot of you.

Catch you later, yeah?

Obviously, normally I do stick to the syllabus.

Oh, hello again.

Sorry about calling you all a load of bastards earlier.

I hope you're having a smashing day out.

Just looking for the bathroom. Thank you.

Oh, well, let me show you.

Just clean them, as it goes.

You can put that in your report if you want.

Toilets? Outstanding.

I'll think about that one. Thank you.

Well, here at Greybridge, we like to be top of the bogs, eh?

Can I interest you in a copy of yesterday's Daily Star?

No. Thank you.

Well, have a wonderful dump.

Ah.

Morning.

Oh, there you are, Miss Steele.

Can I help you, Miss Byron?

Well, I just brought you a cup of coffee and there's a Bendix mint on the saucer

for you. Put it there.

What are you doing?

I was just wondering how the inspection's going.

I'll file my report at the end of the day.

Well, I can't wait to read it. I can't wait for you to read it either.

Miss Barron?

Yes? You seem to have got your foot caught in my bag.

Have I?

Oh.

So sorry.

I'm watching you, Baron.

Right, year nine, P.E.

What do we normally do?

Watch the car.

Or go down the chippy. Watch Keens Brighton.

Little jokers, aren't they?

Don't ruin it for me.

No!

We play basketball.

It's my best sport, obviously.

Yeah, what's this?

Yes, slam dunk.

Sorry, Chief.

Well, that's all the balls.

So everyone should have had bingo by now.

But I didn't hear any numbers, miss.

Well, they were all in French.

Oh, you should have said.

Yes?

I'm your teacher.

I'm here to help.

Miss, I need to ask you something.

You're being bullied?

Well, I'm very sorry to hear that.

How long has this been going on?

I'm being bullied.

A week?

Who's bullying you, Nicholas?

A week.

Perhaps you'd like to stay behind after the lesson and we can get to the bottom

of this.

One of the older boys?

That's very sweet of you to say.

I wish all teachers are like you, Miss.

And that's the end of the lesson.

Just an ordinary lesson.

We're going to have to stop meeting like this. It's you.

Yes, it's me.

Obviously, what happened in my lesson shouldn't have happened, and I accept

that. Please get out of my way. Just to say, I would like to make a donation to

Ofsted. What?

Is this a bribe?

No, it's a donation.

But you can choose to give it to Ofsted, or...

Keep it for yourself.

Do you think you can corrupt me with money?

No.

No.

Here is my nectar card. There are 50,000 points on that.

Miss Poston's blubbing about.

She'll want me to go and comfort her. I saw that first, mate.

Ouch!

What are you doing?

Can't you see I'm upset?

I'm sorry, Sarah. I'm actually here to help.

What's the matter?

I've made a dreadful... What's the matter, Princess?

Will you please stop touching her? You should be touching her. Will you both

please stop touching me and listen?

This is about me.

Yes, Trevor, a bit of hush, please.

You shush, shush, shush up yourself.

I've made a dreadful mistake in my inspection.

That's a shame. Mine went brilliant.

And mine went brilliantly.

Can we get back to me, please?

Then I went to the toilets.

What, number ones or number twos? What?

It doesn't matter.

No. I suppose ladies have to sit down for both, don't they?

Sometimes I sit down to have a wee. Sometimes I stand up to do a poo. Can we

just get back to me?

Then I went into the toilets and I accidentally bribed

Miss Steele.

That's a career render.

Oh, don't say that.

I'm not saying it will lead to a custodial sentence, but it's hard to

imagine you ever teaching again.

Hey, don't worry, babes.

When in trouble, reach for the gun.

I'll have a little talk with her, if you like. You know what I mean?

Oh, no.

No, please don't, Trevor. You'll just make it worse.

Would you like me to talk to her?

Well, it's probably not quite as bad.

Thank you.

But I would still rather that you didn't.

Please don't either of you even think about doing anything.

Oh, no, I get it, I get it.

She doesn't want us to do anything.

No, I don't want you to do anything.

No, got it.

She doesn't want us to do anything.

If you know what I mean, Georgie.

Not really.

She doesn't want us to get involved.

Ah.

To be clear, I really don't want you to do anything.

Yeah, read it again loud and clear, babes.

There she is. Right.

I'll handle this.

Let me get inside. I'll do all the talking.

Right? Right.

Oi, missus.

Excuse me.

My friend's got something to say to you.

Me?

Excuse us.

I thought you said you were going to do the talking.

Yeah, I'll start it. Will you finish it? I will finish it. You did a little bit.

What is it that you want?

Ah, well, um... Good day to you, Miss Steele. My colleague and I would like to

discuss the very delicate issue...

Have Miss Poston a hamea.

Go on.

Over to you.

Um... You know, um... You know the money that she offered you in the bulbs?

Well, that was an accident, cos it dropped out of her hand, so we'll say no

more about it, OK?

Bribing an Ofsted inspector is an incredibly serious matter.

No, yeah, no, of course, yeah.

How much did she... £60.

Really?

What if we said 65?

You're just making this worse.

Yeah. 68?

Right. I'm going to have to add all of this to the report. What are your names?

I'm Mr Martin.

And I'm Mrs Clebb.

Well, I hope you had a lovely day here at Greybridge.

Here's my report.

Oh.

It makes for shocking reading.

Complete disregard for the syllabus.

Use of foul language, bribery, intimidation, assault, serious misuse of

the urinal, two teachers dressed as sperms.

Adequate number of bins.

Well, that's something we can be proud of.

I'm recommending the school be shut down immediately.

But what about the staff? They work so hard.

And what do I tell all the children? They love this school.

I don't care what you tell them.

If I had my way, the place would be burnt to the ground.

Well, thank you so much for popping by.

Always lovely to have a visit from Ofsted.

Let me show you out.

Goodbye, Miss Barrett.

One last thing, Miss Steele.

What? You've forgotten to sign the report.

Oh!

What's that in your bag?

What's what in my bag? That!

I don't know.

Miss Steele, drugs are strictly forbidden on school property.

I know that. Then why bring this in? Listen, I have... Absolutely no idea how

this got here. Ah, you see, memory loss.

It's the main side effect of smoking doobie.

Mm, skunk brain.

Miss Barron, if you think this changes anything... It changes everything.

Obviously, while you were writing this report, you were off your tits.

On the herb.

Thank you, Mr Church.

And that is confiscated. Mr Barber.

Edmunds. Please escort our guests from the premises.

Come on. Let's be having a... Out. Chop, chop.

I see the floor.

Get out. Out.

Daphne. Yes, Edmunds?

I'm not to be disturbed.

Bullying.

Bullying. Not a word we want to hear at this school. Stop saying it, then. This

is something you call rap therapy.

Yeah, rapathy. God help us. For the last time, I'm not making you head of

science. He's gone.

Blimey, he snuffed it. Where is his body?

Not just the place.

Is it all right to put him in there?

Yes. The bin men are coming tomorrow.

together