Original subtitles

Ryan, where's your kit?

I left it at home, sir.

He's left it at home.

Well, you're not getting out of PE that easily.

You can be a cone.

Right, you lot.

Ryan, it's a cone.

OK, gentlemen.

Dribble!

Can I help you, babes? I'm Ryan's mum.

He's got his kit.

Ryan, what are you doing with that coat on your head? Go on, get changed.

Greg's wrong.

It's been a while, Trevor.

Since what?

Since we, um... You know.

Oh, Ryan.

Did we?

Don't remember, dear.

Pub car park, Seven Bells.

Looky old caves.

Back of Greg's.

Caravan, Ideal Home Exhibition.

Legoland, Windsor.

Cleaning cupboard, pizza. Do I look like the kind of lady who'd do it in a

cleaning cupboard?

Back of the Megabond. That's it. Oosh!

Oh, that's what you said that night when you... Yeah, no, I always say that, even

when I'm doing it on my own.

How long ago was this then?

Must be 13 years now. Is it really? 13 years?

Woof.

It's good times.

Time. Good to see you, Trevor.

What, no, and you.

Ryan's mum.

13 years.

13 years.

Give a sound with these leaves, Churchy.

Oh, I'd love to, but I haven't received the proper training.

Come on, pal, there's thousands of the beggars.

Every time I pick one up, another one falls.

Well, that's the nature of leaves. But on behalf of the entire teaching staff,

I wish you all the best with them.

Sarah!

Is he all right?

I think he's just a bit leafed out.

So, are you excited about parents' evening?

I'm dreading it. Why?

It's so embarrassing.

All those dads flirting with me.

Really? Yes, they all flirt with me.

I get the same with all the mums.

Really?

I'm not lying. I mean, I'm trying to speak to these grown men about their

child's French homework.

And they're just staring at my chest.

Yeah, that would... Sorry,

what were you saying?

Sarah, can I have a word?

Anything you need to say to Sarah, you can say in front of me. Chest.

What? I didn't accidentally just say chest. Why would I?

Keith, can you stop staring at my chest? Chest.

Chest.

No, sorry. What?

Why did I come over here again?

Oh, yeah.

I need to talk to you.

Alone.

You okay?

No. I think I should come too.

Keith, he wants to speak to me alone, and I think that's for the chest.

Breast. Best.

It is your fault.

So, why don't you start by telling me what's wrong?

Oh, yeah, right.

Say what? I've just found... Oh, just wait for that to stop.

Goes on quite a long time, doesn't it?

Go. I've just found out that... I'm a dead.

Wow.

What? So...

So someone actually let you... Yeah, it was 13 years ago.

So they're 13. No, he's 12. The baby is inside the lady's tummy for nine months

before it comes out. Yes, I did know that.

He goes to this school.

He doesn't even know I exist.

Well, if he goes to this school, he probably does know you exist.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

Yeah, actually, I just took it for PE.

Oh, this is better than an episode of Waterloo Road.

I don't know what to do.

Trevor, can I just say, I'm really happy that you've come to me with this because

I'm actually a really good listener.

I thought... And I think that you becoming a father is the best thing that

could ever happen to you.

Do you think I'll make a good dad?

So, what else have you been up to?

These biscuits are on the turn.

Right, everyone. Oh, God, it's vile in here.

So, everyone, parents' evening on Thursday.

We're all very much looking forward to a headmistress. Personally, I'd rather

shit in my hands and clap.

Now, a few do's and don'ts. Mr Gunn, try not to get into any scuffles with the

parents. I might be rude about anyone's kids, because I realise now that

children are the greatest gift you could ever have.

Have you dropped an E?

I just realised that life's beautiful and we need to let love into our hearts.

He's found God.

Even worse.

Mrs. Clebb? Present. The parents don't want to know about your partner's

irritable bowel syndrome.

It's actually got a lot worse. This morning, I had to give Frida a manual

evacuation. Too much information.

Miss, um... Poston.

Sorry, what did you say?

Uh, nothing. No, no, no. You said something.

So share it with the group.

Well, I said I am beginning to think you are forgetting my name on purpose.

Would I do that?

Miss... Boston.

You should know, dear, that last parents' evening I received numerous

complaints about your choice of attire.

Excuse me? Many mothers said you were dolled up like a Parisian prostitute.

Well, I'm sorry.

No, I am not having that. It is every woman's right to dress as she chooses.

And if all the dads keep ogling my chest, that really isn't my fault. Well,

they will look if you flop them out on the table.

I'm not going to be there.

What? It's wrong. The whole concept of parents' evening is wrong. We work so

hard to get the trust of these kids, and then what do we go and do? We grass them

up to their folks? No.

I won't be a part of it.

Also, it's the same night as Bake Off. Oh, what? Bake Off?

Well,

let's

put it to a vote.

Hands up if you think we should cancel parents' evening.

Fortunately, Mr Martin, this school is not a democracy.

It is a dictatorship.

So you will all be there without fail.

Come on, mate.

Just open the bins.

So, the parents will arrive at seven.

Parents' evening, is it?

Yes. Oh, great.

I can't wait.

All of us making a night of it.

Popping down the pub for a couple of pints and a good chinwag later.

Mr. Barber, your presence will not be required.

Oh, yes, sir.

Of course, sir.

I just do the manual work.

I forgot.

Oh.

Hey, I could still set up a little caretaker stall.

Give the mums and dads advice on how best to get shoes out of trees, if you

like. Me no like.

Yes.

Got it.

Just get on with the bins, Gareth.

I shall make things worse than they already are.

I've got bin juice all over the shop.

Come on, Gareth. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Let's get you back to your shed.

Couldn't you give me a hand with some leaves, could you?

Of course I will, Chuck.

Well, it would have been kinder to have had him put down.

Ryan's taken it.

I don't know what to do, sir.

Of course you do.

All right, there's footballs in your jeans.

All you've got to do is pick your spot and don't change your mind.

Imagine, it's a World Cup final, yeah?

The whole country is behind you.

They're all chanting your name.

It's Ryan, Ryan, Ryan.

To be or not to be that is the question Whether it is nobler in the mind to

suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

Or to take arms against... Next!

Wait.

Can I help you?

You don't mind if I sit on this one, do you?

I didn't have you down as a Shakespeare fan. Oh, yeah, massive.

I've had all these plays.

Really?

Which is your favourite?

King.

Kong.

OK.

Right, so, remember...

This is the most dramatic moment of the play, the most famous speech in the

history of theatre.

Prince Hamlet is contemplating whether to live or die and begin.

To be or not to be, that is the question, whether it is nobler in the

mind to suffer the springs and arrows of out...

..outrageous fortune.

or also take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them.

Finished.

Your alphabet's wrong.

Trevor, what an unexpected... What do you want?

No, nothing.

Just relax.

It's just a social culture, gee.

It's about Ryan's test paper.

It's 31%. Yes?

He must have marked it, Ryan. The boy's a genius. I wouldn't say he's a genius.

What is H2O? He's written fruit drink.

Why does this matter to you?

I see a lot of myself in that boy.

And believe it or not, I wasn't all that academically as myself at school. I do

believe that.

Go on, Churchill, give me an extra mark.

If I do, will you immediately leave my classroom? Yes.

32%. Boom!

I'm telling you, Churchill, that boy's got the potential to go all the way. To

Cambridge, even.

Mr.

Barber, what are you doing?

What? What are you doing?

What are you doing?

It's a pre-emptive strike. What?

Throw the leaves off the tree before they fall.

Beat them at their own game. Perhaps you should concentrate on the leaves on the

ground.

Where do you think they come from?

Goodbye, Mr Barber.

How are you finding fatherhood?

What?

Fatherhood.

That's the best thing I ever did.

Spreading the gun seed.

I'm actually eating.

I just hope I can pass on all my knowledge to him.

Well, it shouldn't take too long.

Yeah. I mean, it's hard to explain to somebody who doesn't have kids.

Not really, because I have two cats, Jules and Jim, so I think I know what

it's like to be a mother.

It's not really the same, though, is it? Well, you wouldn't know because you

don't have a cat.

Can I ask which boy it is? No, I can't tell you. He don't know himself yet, so

it wouldn't be fair on the lid. Yeah.

Could tell me, though.

No. Well, you could, cos I wouldn't tell anyone.

No.

No, I understand.

Is it Kieran?

No. Is it Tyler?

No. Is it Abdo? It wouldn't be Abdo, would it?

Is it Ryan?

I didn't know Ryan was here.

Ryan!

Give us an oosh!

Oosh! Give us an oosh!

It's Ryan, isn't it? Yeah.

Bollocks.

Oh, I'm fine with the test tubes, thank you, Joe.

Oh, hello, Sarah.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is this not a good time? I know. Jo was just leaving us.

Would you mind leaving, Jo?

Thank you, Jo.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Oh, well, I'm glad you popped by because I wanted to talk to you about Fair Trade

Week. Please, you can't expect me to care about the price of bananas with

everything that's going on at the moment.

What is going on?

I can't tell you. You can't tell me? It's a secret.

Oh. So, whatever you do, please don't ask me to talk about it because I simply

can't.

Well, I thought we could do an assembly together comparing the prices of a

coffee... I just feel like I'm stuck right in the middle between a really

difficult situation.

What situation? I can't say.

It's about Trevor.

I've said too much already.

Did he try and touch you? Yes, but that's not it.

Well, I can't really help unless I know what it is. Then guess.

You can guess. I mean, I won't say anything. I'll just nod my head if

you're getting warmer and I'll shake my head if you're getting colder.

Well, um... He's got a secret love child at the school.

So someone actually let him...? Yes.

I mean, start.

To believe, I know, but yes.

Who is this love child? Well, that I can't tell you.

I understand. It's Ryan.

Beatboxing masterclass.

Luke Martin on the mic. Here we go.

Boots and cats and boots and cats and boots and cats. Boots and cats. Boots

and cats and boots and cats.

We're into it one time.

Greenwich School coming at you.

Boots and cats and boots and cats and boots and cats. MC Nicholas, drop it.

Dum-dee-dum. Back to me.

Homework in first thing tomorrow, please.

Oh, hi, Keith.

Oh.

It's not easy having a secret.

Is it about Ryan being Trevor's love child?

Who told you?

Sarah. When? Just before this lesson.

Well... She told me at the end of lunch, so I knew a good 45 minutes before you.

Amazing that anyone would actually let her know. Yeah.

Of course, it's very important no one else knows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Haven't

told anyone, have you? No, no, not really. Just Cleb.

Aaron, Hubble and Joe.

You? Mention it to the man who popped in to change the ink in the photocopier.

Other than that, not a soul.

So no one's told Barbara?

Good luck, child!

In your face!

Hello, Sarah.

I just wondered if, after a parent's evening tonight, you fancy going for a

drink? Do you want to have children?

I'm sorry? Do you want to have children?

Well, can we just see how the drink goes first?

It's just this whole thing with Trevor has got me questioning everything.

I mean, I am a woman who has always put my career first. That's why I'm one of

the top French teachers in the county.

In the whole of the South East.

But I've been thinking, and what would really make me happy is if I had a baby.

Well, if it was the baby you're after, I don't know how they're made. I would

hope so. You're 44.

Not clear on all the small print, but... I know the headlines.

Oh, Keith.

Have we both left it too late?

Well, I haven't.

Are you saying I have? No, no.

Not at all. I mean, how old are you?

Forty... Around 40. Around 40.

Well, you have a small window. No, I've got a big window.

I've been thinking I'd really love to have a baby girl.

Or a boy.

Called Amelie.

Nigel. I'd raise her in a run-down old farmhouse in Provence.

Guilford. She grew up to be an artist.

With a science degree to fall back on.

She'd be a good mother.

She'd give me seven grandchildren.

Well, that would make Christmas very pricey, plus even a trip to Chessington

World of Adventures. We'd have to hire a minibus.

We'll not bother with that drink, shall we?

How are you feeling, Trevor?

Anxious?

Nervous? Tense?

It's just going to be so tough, you know, coming face to face with Ryan's,

um... Dad.

Yes, well, what's best for Ryan is that it is still secret.

Yeah.

You haven't told anyone, have you? No, no, no, no.

Of course not. It's going to be awkward for you tonight, isn't it, Trevor?

What? I hope it goes all right with Ryan's dad.

You've only got yourself to blame.

You as well.

Sorry. Just to say, the photocopy is up and running.

And good luck with Ryan's dad.

Hotel game!

A bit of quiet, please.

I can still hear people chattering about Mr Gunn's love child.

Let us not forget, tonight is an important showcase for the school.

So let's all work together and give it a hundred percent.

I wish I could stay, but it's nearly time for Bake Off.

He's got quite a sense of humor, your lad. Always making up funny names for

me. The Nerd.

Mr. Moves.

Bellend.

Can you please ask him to stop? It's actually very hurtful.

Kelly needs to work on her pronunciation.

Sorry, I'm up here, not down here.

Please stop looking at these.

Service here is very slow.

They haven't even brought us a menu. If Tom really wants to make it in the music

biz, he's got to change his attitude.

He really needs to start bunking off lessons. When it comes to A-levels, I

don't think you should take chemistry.

Or any other subject he can't spell the name of.

Alicia should not drop drama.

Drama is a hugely important subject.

Plus, you can get a C for just turning up.

Not that she'd need that at all.

You'd think they'd at least bring us some breadsticks.

I'm gonna pretty, pretty... Predictimacy!

I didn't cast Connor in the production because I've always seen Hamlet as a

little Chinese girl.

Is anyone having a starter?

Or are we all going straight to the main course?

So, um...

You must be, uh... Ryan's, um... Dad?

Yeah.

Who do I make, then?

So how's he getting on? Brilliant.

So proud of him. Really?

He's always struggled with sports.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, the kid's world-class.

I mean, I'll bet money on him.

Captain in England one day.

Well, it's great you believe in him so much.

Ryan is always talking about Mr Gunn, isn't he? Yeah, you're his favourite.

Am I?

What's he say about me? Just that you've been really looking out for him, so

cheers for that.

And thank you for, um... ..for all you've done too.

Yeah.

Um, is there anything Ryan can do better?

Okay. Well, we'd better go and see that tatty French teacher now.

No, stop!

I can't live this lie any longer.

There's something I've got to tell you.

What? Oh, Trevor, don't do this.

I have to, babes.

It's eating me up inside.

I'm Ryan's real...

Mr. Barber, you know you're not meant to be here. Just dealing with a rogue leaf.

Evening, everybody.

Nice to see so many friendly faces again.

I don't know if you all know, but I went through a very dark patch.

Bit of a breakdown.

A biggie.

Not able to teach anymore.

Just dealing with leaves.

Thieves these days.

All right, Gareth.

Let's get you back to your shed.

What was it you were going to say?

Eh?

Oh.

Yeah, no, I'm Lyons.

We all... PE

teacher.

And his dad. What?

Why would anyone think you're Ryan's dad?

Because of, you know, what you and me done 13 years ago.

What we did that night can't make you pregnant.

Yeah, I knew that.

You told me you'd been with some wrong-uns before me, but seriously, this

geezer's off the scale.

Hang on, he can't be Ryan's real dad. He's not.

Ryan's adopted.

Sorry, can I get a bit of quiet, please?

Something very important's happened.

I've just this moment heard.

Gillian's custard tarts were too soggy.

She's out the bake-off.

Sir?

What?

What do you want? I'm on my break.

I just wanted to give you this.

Mr.

Gunn.

Thanks for being the best PE teacher in the world.

Grab wine.

P.S.

Boosh.

Ofsted? You've got a visit coming from those Ofsted bastards.

Great teachers have nothing to fear from an inspection.

True. So I suggest you take the day off sick.

What do we normally do? Wash your car. Or go down the chippy.

I'm not a bad teacher. No, no, no, no. You're an abominable one. Who are you

calling abominable?

Le bingo.

I didn't hear any numbers, miss. Well, they were all in French.

You should have said.

This is a disaster if Miss Steele finds the drugs were finished. I would like to

make a donation.

To Ofsted? Do you think you can corrupt me with money?

No. That's a career, Brenda.

Oh, don't say that.

Hey, mistress, she hasn't seen me.

She's seen me.

together.