Original subtitles

All right, babes.

Is that a new car, Trevor?

Yep.

Fuel injection, ABS brakes, plenty of room to lie down in the back.

Wow, that's good to know.

Yeah, I bought it with the extra dosh I'm getting as a geography teacher.

Oh, yeah, Sarah.

You want to watch out for me?

I'm now officially the school's most illegible bachelor.

Morning, Sarah.

Where's your shoe?

Oh, don't worry, it's in the car. I'll get it later.

You got your Stratus?

Your Cyrus?

And your big one now.

They're just called big clouds, really.

Sir? What?

We've got our exams next week and we still haven't covered loads of things on

the syllabus.

All right, Eisenstein, what do you need to know?

Rainforests? No, you don't need to learn about them anymore.

I mean, you lot are lucky.

They cut them all down to make your exercise books.

What else?

Map skills.

No need.

Get yourself a tom-tom, whack on the postcode, boom, job done.

Actually, it's better than a map because it tells you where all the speed cameras

are. And we're meant to do a project on NDR.

Don't worry, sunshine, I've got that one covered.

Top Gear, India Special.

Right,

ladies and gents.

Take it away, Professor Clarkson.

Here, watch and learn.

Well, I have to say, Keith, you are very clever.

Why's that?

Uh, you know... pretending today is just an ordinary day?

It is just an ordinary day.

Poker face.

I hope you haven't put a lot of balloons everywhere and got me a big cake,

because I'll be really embarrassed.

I mean, you know I hate attention.

Is it your birthday?

You.

It's last night's porn, Billy, aren't they?

Happy birthday!

You forgot, didn't you?

No. Actually, no. Just you wait. I am waiting.

Well, just wait a little longer, please.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Trevor, you know the main teacher woman?

Your mistress? Yeah, that's her. She wants to see you in her office right

away. What for? I've been told not to say in front of everyone.

Why? Because you wouldn't want them all knowing that she's sacking you as

geography teacher.

What? Oh, I shouldn't have told you.

Pretend you don't know, because I think she wants it to be a surprise.

So Mr Gunn and I have come to a joint decision that he will step down as

geography teacher because he knows absolutely nothing about the subject.

Because it's boring.

Oh, look, there's an urban combination.

Who cares? So as of today, we have a new, and may I say strapping, geography

teacher, Dr. Dalton.

And yes, he just happens to be blind.

I hadn't noticed.

I don't see the disability in that single person.

Well, he has got a white state.

Would you like to say a few words, Dr. Dalton?

Oh, you're so thick.

And veiny.

Whoa, someone turned out the lights.

Just my little joke.

No, but seriously, I'm really looking forward to getting stuck into some

geography with you guys.

And by the way, don't worry about the Dr. Dalton thing. Just call me the Doc.

What's up, Doc?

Cheers.

Can I just say, it's a certain French teacher's birthday today.

No, stop.

I didn't want to make a big thing of it. So I wondered if you'd all join me in a

very big Greybridge rendition of Happy Birthday.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Miss Boston.

Happy birthday to you.

Finished? Should have started earlier. Yeah, I realise that now. And it ended

too high. Ditto.

Is there a card?

Just you wait and see.

So, no? Not yet, no.

Keith, you look ridiculous. Get yourself a shoe.

I can't fit it all in.

Well, it's going to be tight.

It's making my eyes water.

Should it really be this painful?

Well, just relax a bit and it will stretch.

I'm not sure I'll be able to walk properly.

Is everything all right, sirs? Yes, fine. Thank you, Nicholas.

You're good.

Why do we even need to learn French, miss?

so that when you go to France, you can speak the language.

Who here's been to France?

Euro Disney?

I've been to Euro Disney, miss. So, you've been to France? No, I went to the

one in Florida.

Right, someone here must have been to France. Great.

Olivia, where have you been in France? Greece.

Greece is not in France, it's in Greece.

Bon anniversaire.

It's French for... Yes, I know.

She looks weird.

Well, it was either that or a red stiletto.

Here's your card.

Oh, thank you.

Oh.

Well, there we are.

Birthday's all done.

What's that?

Nothing.

It's just that when it's a member of staff's birthday, I usually like to

organise a gif, you know.

Scented candle.

Spa treatment.

Front row seats to Mamma Mia. Oh, I've got you a present.

Oh, you?

Yeah. You sure about that?

Positive. Where is it?

Oh, well, I'm just trying to spread out the birthday fun for you, Sarah, make it

extra special. You had the singing this morning. Well... Just had the card.

Yeah. And you'll get the present at, um... At lunch. Oh!

When? At lunch.

Early on.

At lunch or... Probably towards the end. But just so we understand each other,

how much should this present that I've already bought you be?

It's not about the price. It's about the thought. Between £50 and £100.

Trevor, just wondered if you fancied a coffee, tea, glass of cool, refreshing

milk.

What are you after now? I need you to move your car. No.

I need to get to the shops to buy a birthday present for Sarah. Oh, well, in

which case, no.

Move your car this instant. Can you not see I am working?

Please.

It's a very funny bit by James May on a Robin Reliant.

Says it looks like a wheelbarrow. That's a class. Just give me the keys and I'll

move it.

Nobody touches my wheels.

Hello, caretaker.

I've got a little job for you. Oh, I can't. I've got to get this floor done.

I clean it, they walk in it. I clean it, they walk in it. I clean it, they walk

in it. We'll stop whatever it is you're saying and help me. Never ending spiral

of dirt. There's a pound in it for you.

Me again?

I'm not moving my car.

So, did you catch the game last night?

What game?

The football game.

Presumably there was some football on television somewhere.

Champions League, actually.

Didn't know you were into football, Churchy. Oh, yeah. I love the football.

Who's your team?

Liverpool. Good squad.

Manchester United.

Manchester City.

Chelsea. You only have one team.

Leeds.

Nottingham. Basingstoke. They're not a team.

Well, that's our football chat over.

Quite the expert, Churchill.

John Watson must be crapping himself.

He probably is, actually. He is quite old.

OK, so just move it backwards a metre so I can jump into my car.

Very gently, then. Just ease it backwards.

Bugger. Oh, God, what have you done? Forwards, forwards, forwards.

Bugger.

God,

that's enough. Get out before you cause any more damage.

Trevor's car's virtually a write-off.

Do I still get my pound? No, you do not.

Sorry to have let everyone down again. Yes.

That was your fault.

It's wonderful that we finally got a disabled teacher at the school.

I think it's wrong to focus on his disability.

I think we should see Dr. Dalton for what he is, a cool teacher who just

happens to be blind.

Visually impaired. Visually impaired.

And of ethnic origin.

Is he?

I hadn't noticed.

Oh, Doc.

Hey, Doc. There's a seat here.

Sorry, who's that?

It's Sarah. Sarah Poston. French department.

Five foot nine, slim build, strawberry blonde hair.

Nice to meet you.

Let me help you with that. Thank you.

Would you like to touch my face?

Maybe later.

Is the food any good here?

It's OK, actually. I mean, today I've just gone for a green salad because I

like to maintain my slim yet shapely figure.

That's the low-calorie salad dressing going on right now.

So? How long have you been working?

Oh, um, a year.

A year.

Kids are love.

Happy birthday!

Ooh, it's you.

Thank you.

This is your birthday gift, which I didn't just go out and buy. I actually

bought quite a while ago.

Well, it's certainly very big.

Not as big as that cheeseburger.

He's pointing at someone else's lunch. Dr Dalton, it's Keith Church, Deputy

Head of Science.

Hi. And I'm in the dining hall.

Yes, I realise that. And I've just brought in a very large birthday gift

for Sarah Pops. Yes, we've covered that.

Are you going to open it now?

I'll open it later.

Oh, open it now.

Better wipe your fingers first. I don't want to get ketchup all over it.

Sarah Pops is just opening the present now.

She's ripping through the paper with her hands. Listen, you don't have to keep

doing that. It's no trouble.

La Tour Eiffel. La Tour Blackpool.

La Tour Eiffel. La Tour Blackpool.

It's the Blackpool town, Keith.

It's written there. Are you blind?

Just so you know, it was Sarah Poston that made that inappropriate remark.

I don't mind.

Thank you.

Why did you get me a picture of the Blackpool Tower? I was in a rush. I

thought it was the Eiffel Tower.

I've obviously ruined your birthday.

No, you haven't. It's still a very nice picture.

And it wasn't cheap. It was actually towards the upper end of your price

range. Well, that's very generous of you. It was £90.

Don't need to know the exact price. You said between £50 and £100. I could have

spent £50, but I actually spent £90. Because, Sarah, you're worth it.

Thank you. That is very sweet.

So are you two just colleagues, or is there more to it than that? No, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, come on, Sarah.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I think what Sarah's trying to say is yes and no.

No and no.

But thanks again, Keith. I'll see you in the staff room later.

Yes, you will.

Well, nice to meet you properly, Dr Dalton. Just call me the Doc.

What's up, Doc? Yeah, I already made that joke earlier.

Leave that.

Leave that there, please.

And I'm just walking out of the canteen now, heading towards the

door.

And I'm through the door, and that's me gone.

I think he's got a thing for you.

They all do.

It's not easy being the youngest and most attractive woman at the school.

So, my spies tell me you were having lunch with Piggy Poston.

Sarah? We all call her Piggy Poston because she has an upturned nose like a

pig.

I didn't know that. She's also got stumpy little hands like trotters.

Cigarette?

Surely smoking's against the rules? I make the rules, darling.

And then I break them.

Was there something you needed to speak to me about, Headmistress?

No.

I really should get to my geography class.

Yes.

You bad, bad boy.

Let me see you out.

Don't ask me. I'm just asking.

Hey!

What's happened to my motor?

It wasn't me.

Who was it?

Who's done this to my wheels?

I couldn't say.

But he's the deputy head of science.

Hello, Trevor.

I'm going to kill you.

In fairness, I only took the bumper off.

I'm going to teach you a lesson, Churchy.

Oh!

Oh! Hello, Nicholas.

Tell them I'll be a bit late for badminton, Nicholas.

Here we go.

Nice cup of tea.

Just what the doctor ordered.

Thank you.

So, um... Don't take this the wrong way.

I would do this for any new teacher.

But do you fancy coming over on Saturday night for dinner?

Do you mind if I just... Oh, no.

I'd love to. Oh, great.

I was thinking of doing some traditional French cuisine.

Magnifique. Oh, c'est peut-être français. Oui, oui.

So nice to have someone around here with a little bit of sophistication.

French for sophistication, right?

Is there anything you don't know?

Hello.

Keith Church entering the staff room.

Morning, Keith.

Morning.

Morning, Sarah.

Good morning, Keith.

Doc, can I make you a cup of tea? Sarah just made me one, thanks.

Oh, did she indeed?

See the pitcher I bought, you still here?

Yes, it is.

You're not going to take it home? Well, it's quite big, so it's fairly difficult

to carry.

I'll do it for you. I've got a roof rack.

Didn't know that about me, did you? That I have a roof rack. I could pop it round

on Saturday.

I'll stick it up.

What?

But once Churchill's dropped it round, he can sod off and I'll get on with the

banging. Do not let him inside your house, Sarah. Look, I'm not sure I want

to put it up anyway.

I thought you said you liked it.

You're going to have to do something with that monstrosity, because you can't

leave it here. This is not a monstrosity. It was £90.

OK, look, why don't you drop it round on Saturday afternoon and you can put it

up? Yeah, then you and me can get a party started, Bates. No.

No parties starting.

I've actually got plans on... Saturday evening.

So as soon as that picture goes up, you can both leave.

Both of us?

Yes, both of you.

Including me? Including you.

So what about me?

You're early.

Hello, Mrs.

Need an Andy, man.

It's like the start of a porno, isn't it? Yeah, but only the very start.

I brought you some Malibu.

My mum's had a few swigs, but there's still plenty left.

Thought maybe we could have a little lie down, chuck on some smooth FM, you know,

before Churchill gets here. He's already been here two hours.

Well, he's very early.

Haven't you brought any tools?

Oh, right, you had a picture. No, I forgot about that.

That's... It is why you are both here.

Well, Ciarello, get yourself down to Wick's. No rush.

Have a little browse, grab a coffee, come back in a couple of hours.

No, you should go. I need to stay here and guard Sarah. No, you go.

Right, you can both go.

God, Locker.

What are you doing under there, babes?

Finished?

Yep.

Not going to fall on me?

I shouldn't do.

Right, well, thank you very much.

Off you go.

Any other odd jobs we can be getting on with while we're here?

No, no, I just need you to leave.

I could do with a quick cup of tea.

No, no tea for me. I'll just have a Malibu.

OK, these aren't for you.

Well, who are they for, then?

I have a friend coming over to dinner soon, so I'm very sorry, but I need you

both to leave.

A female friend or a male friend?

It doesn't matter.

Well, it does matter, because if it's a geezer, I'm going to have my Malibu

back. Come on.

Out.

Right, you two, just get out. Get out that way.

Get out.

It's nice, isn't it?

Come round and do a bit of free DIY, then it's out you get. I've got a fella

coming round to sex me up. Well, I don't think anyone's going to be sexing anyone

else. So, have the chuckle brothers gone?

Yeah, yeah, don't worry.

Keith and Trevor left ages ago.

Um, have a seat.

OK, there we go.

Would you like a drink?

A large glass of this wine, please.

I'll make sure you have some too.

Thank you.

That was, as my uncle would say, totally delicious.

Thank you. Yes, it's from a Raymond Blanc cookbook.

I mean, I've just... Added a few of my own ideas, too.

Is everything okay? You seem a bit tense.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm fine.

May I?

Oh.

It's so nice to spend some time alone together.

Oh, yes.

Yes, it is.

Is there any more of that wine?

No, I'm afraid we've drunk all the wine.

I do have some Malibu, though.

Ooh, Malibu.

Let's have some of that and move on to the sofa, huh?

Or the armchair.

Don't be too long.

Happy birthday.

Like your present?

This is Mr Church in the living room. Would you help?

Trevor Gunn's here and all. We're just making our way out of the living room.

We'll see you first thing Monday morning.

I'll have that back and all.

And until the trampoline is returned, there will be no more trampoline club.

And finally, due to some unfortunate events over the weekend, Dr

Dalton has decided not to return to the school.

Is there anything you'd like to add?

No. Sure?

Yeah. It all seems very odd.

Yeah. It does seem odd, doesn't it?

About Saturday night, I'm sorry that you had to do that. Well, it was right in my

eye light.

I mean the date.

Well, I mean, it wasn't a date. I just thought he was sophisticated.

You know, I thought he was going to be different.

Oh, Keith, I made such a fool of myself.

Oh, Sarah, how were you to know he'd take off all his clothes before he'd had

a chance to serve the tartata?

Or the cheese plate. Oh, there was a cheese plate as well. Yeah.

I suppose I got Dr. Dalton very wrong.

Just so you know.

Not all us men are like that.

No.

I know.

Well, I mean, Trevor is. He's worse.

He'd probably whip it out before the starter.

Let's just forget Saturday ever happened, shall we?

Good idea.

See you at lunch?

I look forward to it.

And I promise not to take off all my clothes!

It'll be 13 years now. Is it really 13 years?

I'm a dad.

Wow.

So someone actually let you, um... Yeah.

Parents' evening on Thursday. We're all very much looking forward to a

headmistress. Personally, I'd rather shit in my hands and clap.

Sorry, I'm up here, not down here.

Ryan! Give us a news! News!

There's something I've got to tell you.

I'm Ryan's... real.

We should play this game together