Original subtitles

here you go welcome back and good times our next roaster is the only person who

courtney love thinks has a problem he is the primary reason that the donuts

backstage are no longer powdered he is a talented man whom we're going to miss

very much very soon actually unfortunately i'm being told andy dick

could not be with us tonight and in his place Long time Pamela Anderson plastic

surgeon, Dr. Fernando Short Cream is here. Dr. Fernando.

Hello, testing.

Good evening.

My name is Dr.

Fernando T. Short Cream.

And for the last 15 years, I've been the plastic surgeon assigned to Pamela

Anderson's breasts.

You're welcome.

I want to apologize, Pam, right away, because I was brought here to actually

rip you a new one, since we all know that Tommy ripped the old one.

Which, by the way, I used what was left.

to make Courtney Love's lips.

Which explains her bad breath.

Seriously.

It smells like ass.

You know, I'll never forget the time Pam came to my office and said that she

wanted me to remove her asshole.

I said, okay, you married him, okay? I'm a doctor, not a divorce lawyer.

When Pam told me that Tommy gave her hepatitis C, I didn't believe it because

I figured the best Tommy could ever hope for was hepatitis D minus at best.

And looky, looky, Elon Gold is here.

No, nobody cares.

Nobody cares. He's on TV, but we don't watch.

By the way, how's that penile implant working out?

Fantastic, fantastic.

That's great, because you know, up until you came along, I've never put one in a

butt before.

Pam,

I've been with you since day one.

And you and I both know that you didn't always look this great.

You didn't always look like that, Pam, did you?

You have to remember that when Pam first came to me, she looked like this.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry.

That is not Pamela.

I'm going to kill my assistant. That's Lisa Lampa-cunty.

Wait, what is your name? Lisa Lampa-dykey?

You know, because I know what's coming. I know what's coming. She's got some

things. You know, I thought this was a roast for Pamela Anderson.

Not all of us on stage.

I don't want to hear. I don't have anal warts that I know of. I can't bend

my head back to see.

It itches sometimes, but not more than you.

If it's hot out, your butt itches.

But seriously, Lisa, if you'd like, I can work with you, and I'm sure with all

the modern advances in cosmetic surgery and the industrial cleansers, I can

possibly upgrade you to this.

Actually, that's quite a simple procedure.

Lisa, we'll just shave your ass and give you a circumcision.

on your very responsive five and a half inch clitoris.

There's been a lot of jokes tonight about Pamela Anderson's breasts, okay?

But as her breasts creator, I'd like to point

out that they're quite stable.

They really are very, very well engineered.

OK.

This is all standard procedure.

This is just a clinical adjustment.

These boobs, these are my creation.

These are my creation.

And by the way, by the way, this is an excellent hand exercise.

You see how they point straight ahead, a little up, like they're going to take

out the Hubble telescope?

This is all me. All me. You could place a glass of wine on one,

and I could personally jump on the other, and the wine would not spill.

No, seriously, guys.

Seriously. Don't worry. She can't feel any of this. She can't feel... Come

here.

Hang on medical emergency.

Oh Okay, I gotta go Nicole Kidman tried to blink and tore her forehead open

again