Original subtitles

e spinal cord.

He had a lot of surgeries. He could barely walk.

And he sort of retired from show business.

But he loved the Friars Club and he was always on the dais.

Well, in 1958, it was a big deal.

They filled up the Beverly Hilton Hotel

and they were letting in Lucy and Desi.

They had never let in a woman.

And it was this gigantic event and everybody was on the dais.

Milton Berle and George Jessel

and Art Linkletter was the emcee and Sinatra.

Everybody was there.

And my dad did ten minutes and I helped him with it.

We had a wire recorder.

I would rewind it and then rewind it again.

And then-- and then, you know--

And he would work on the routine.

MILTON BERLE: He did a routine about the Friars Club,

which was the hit of the show.

The audience just stood up, not because

he was in a wheelchair, because he was funny.

And I'm telling you...

(STUTTERS) ...it knocked the house down.

- Right. - You don't even hear laughing,

you hear... (CUTLERY CLANKING)

That's what-- that's what the Friars Club

used to do when they liked something.

...he must first satisfy us, beyond any question of a doubt

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And he finished and went back to the dais and died.

Put his head right down

- like that. - Jesus.

ALBERT: They stopped the show as soon as they realized it.

Panicked. "What do we do?" Art Linkletter said,

"Is there a doctor in the house?"

- At the Beverly Hilton. (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS)

Right. Half the audience came on stage.

They took him backstage, they cut him open,

they shocked him with a lamp cord.

They couldn't bring him back to life.

- ROB: No. - One of the funny moments

of that is that they were panicking,

trying to see what they could even do,

if they could save the dinner but before it ended,

Tony Martin, who was a big singer

and had a number one hit at the time,

Milton Berle said,

"Get up there! Sing something! Get up there!"

And he went up and he sang his hit,

which was called, "There Will Be No Tomorrow."

- (LAUGHS) - (ROB LAUGHS) Oh, Jesus.

♪ ("THERE'S NO TOMORROW" BY TONY MARTIN PLAYING) ♪

♪ There's no tomorrow ♪

And Milton Berle's going,

-"Maybe that's not good advice." - (LAUGHS)

- So, everybody laughed. - ROB: Yeah, yeah.

ALBERT: He was sick my whole life

and I always thought he was dying.

So every time, when I was home alone with him

and he called me, I would think, "Uh-oh, uh-oh."

So it really wasn't a surprise because I expected it every day.

ROB: Yeah. Yeah.

ALBERT: I would go to sleep with my radio on

and my mother used to turn off my radio.

That was the little thing she did for me.

ROB: Right.

ALBERT: And I woke up at 2:00 in the morning

and my radio was on.

- And I said, "Daddy's dead." - Oh, wow. Wow.

- And in that case, it was true. - ROB: Wow.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

This is where my dad is.

A lot of famous old show business people here.

- Louis B. Mayer. - ROB: Really?

- ALBERT: Jack Warner. - ROB: Wow.

- ALBERT: And then look at this. - ROB: What?

- ALBERT: Right near my dad... - ROB: Wow.

ALBERT: One of the original Three Stooges.

- Wow. - Shemp.

ROB: No. Wait a minute. No, no. Curly was the original.

ALBERT: No. Shemp.

ROB: No, I thought Shemp replaced Curly.

ALBERT: No. Curly replaced Shemp.

- ROB: Really? - Yeah. Yeah.

I always thought it was the other way around.

No. No. Woo, woo, woo, woo.

Well, "woo, woo, woo" was Curly.

- That I know. - It doesn't matter!

- He'd still like it. - He didn't do "woo, woo, woo."

Shemp never did.

- He'd still like it. - All right.

Wow. And look at that. Right there.

ALBERT: "Harry Einstein."

- ROB: Aw. - ALBERT: Here he is.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

- I miss him. - Yeah.

ALBERT: I feel I wanna be cremated.

My mother was cremated and she said,

"Honey, you know, I wanna be cremated."

I said, "Of course, I could tell by your cooking."

(BOTH LAUGH)

ROB: So, you didn't get to live a long time with your father

but your mom lived to 94.

And what kind of relationship did you have with her?

- Well, see my movie, Mother. - (ROB CHUCKLES)

- Mother... - BEATRICE HENDERSON: Yeah?

- ...the ice cream is colorless. - Look under the protective ice.

The protective ice?

You've actually named the clear hard crap

that sits on the top?

I very much relate to Albert seeking approval from his mom.

But you didn't like the book, right?

You don't think it deserves a sequel?

Well, no, honey. I love the book.

But are you sure you wanna bring back all those characters?

(SIGHS, GAGS)

That is so what a mom would say of just,

"Really? You're gonna do that? You're gonna wear that?

- Really? Okay." - I'll talk to you later.

- BEATRICE: Honey, I love you. - I know you think you do.

(SIGHS)

That's not the kindest thing to say

but it does acknowledge that I know you think you do.

- ROB: Yeah, yeah. - And that's something

- and I'll give it credit. - ROB: Yeah.

'Cause if I tell my mom she doesn't love me--

- Of course she does. - ROB: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course she says she does. Seems insane to her.

But now I know what to say to her.

"I know you think you do. And I love you too, Mom."

How many times were you on Carson or--

- How many times? - Thirty.

ROB: Thirty times? Yeah.

You were always trying to get your mother

to acknowledge the fact that you were killing

- on these shows. - The standard conversation,

I would call her.

She wouldn't call me after a show.

If I waited for that phone to ring,

it would be a month later. So I would call her.

"Hi."

"Oh, honey, you're done?" That was the first thing.

"No, we're on the show. Here's Johnny.

- Yes, I'm done." - (LAUGHS)

"So, uh, what did you think?"

And you know, she went, "Oh, honey, it was--

- What did Johnny think?" - ROB: Wow.

And that was every--

And I was gonna call my autobiography

- What Did Johnny Think? - ROB: Wow.

Because that's what-- "What did Johnny think?

What did Johnny think?"

♪ (CINEMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

ROB: And your mother was a singer.

ALBERT: My mother was a great singer.

- ROB: Right. - My mother had a career.

She met my father on a movie set.

New Faces of 1937.

Where is that cheap chiseling grafter?

- Where is he? - There he is.

- Parky, speak to the lady. - Hello.

(SINGING) ♪ We do in gay Paris ♪

♪ 'Cause it's gay and it's fun And it's done ♪

♪ Ooh, la, la! ♪

Ooh, la, la.

ALBERT: And she stopped and became a mother,

and would sing at parties.

And it took me a long time to realize that, you know,

maybe she didn't wanna talk about

The Johnny Carson Show too much

because she wanted to be on it...

ROB: To be on The Johnny Carson Show.

- ...which is a normal feeling. - ROB: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You could still love your son

- and still think, "God damn it." - Yeah. Right.

-"I can sing better than her." - ROB: I could be on there, yeah.

You were looking for validation from her

and she was only gonna validate you

- if Johnny Carson did. - ALBERT: That's right.

And I tell you, the closest my life ever came where that

was an actual shift

was when I got nominated for an Oscar.

And the nominees are Albert Brooks in Broadcast News.

(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)

ALBERT: I took a date, her and her sister.

And that evening was, "Oh, my God!"

Because, you know,

- it's so crazy there. - ROB: Yeah, yeah.

So, she had to accept the fact that you--

Yes. I think she did. I think she did.

But I also think that she had normal feelings of,

"I wonder what I could've done."

ROB: Yes, yes.

ALBERT: And that's what Mother was about because he discovers

- that his mother was a writer. - ROB: Right.

JOHN HENDERSON: How much have you written?

Did you ever get anything published?

No. I never published. Your father talked me out of it.

Why would he do that?

You know, dear, in those days,

a woman didn't have a career. You know, she just...

Raised children who she hated for ruining her life

and killing her chances of doing the one thing she loved.

Our dads were both comedians

and our mothers were both singers.

My mother was a singer too.

And also parked her career

to raise children and always wanted

to get on stage.

Now, I would notice at parties, the happiest she was

is when somebody would play the piano

- and she would sing. - Right.

And you naively think that your parents

or your siblings automatically support you

- a hundred percent. - ROB: Right.

But human beings have qualities like jealousy and being envious.

And it doesn't matter if it's a father or a son.

- ROB: Right, right, right. - It's like, "Jesus,

I never got to play baseball like that."

-"Good! Good hit!" You know? - Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's just the brain.

So, your mother is seeing that you're starting

in show business, you're starting to succeed,

and she's a little jealous. She wanted to have--

I know my mother loved me and I know she was happy for me,

but I knew that I couldn't--

I didn't talk very much when something great happened

because there was just--

ROB: 'Cause you didn't want her to feel--

- Yes. I could feel a limit. - ROB: Yeah. Yeah.

And I didn't want to--

- I could feel it. - ROB: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For the first time, I don't see you as my mother.

I see you as a failure...

and it's wonderful.

I'm a failure and that's wonderful?

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) All right, honey...

if that's what you need.

ALBERT: The last time I saw my mother alive,

the last thing she says--

- And Bob-- Was Bob there? - ALBERT: Bob there.

The brothers were there, coming and going.

- ROB: Right, right. - It was in her apartment.

And a few days before, there was no more communication.

She was already on morphine but, you know--

- ROB: Right. - And she was sitting in a chair.

And I looked, and she looked up. I said, "Mom, Mom. Hi."

And she looked up,

and the last words she said to me was...

-"You've lost a little weight." - (CHUCKLES)

And my brother, Bob, goes,

"I told you she always thought you were fat."

(LAUGHS)

- Right to the end. - To the end,

- the last words. - ROB: Right to the end.

- I remember the albums. - ROB: Yeah.

Right? And those were great.

But they were still like sort of

- meta and absurdist. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

ALBERT: I made this album, Comedy Minus One.

And that was recorded at the Troubadour.

ALBERT:

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

ALBERT:

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

BEN STILLER: But really, for me the big thing

was when A Star is Bought album came out.

I mean, it was life-changing.

ALBERT: And I did that with Harry Shearer.

And that was like a movie, but it was a record.

We did a mock documentary about my life.

This character, "Albert Brooks."

- ROB: Yeah. - The idea of the album was, uh,

that he's gonna make a cut for every type of radio station

so that the album can't fail because it's gonna appeal

to every different radio demographic.

So, on classical music,

I supposedly found the lost words to "Boléro"

and sang that with a symphony orchestra.

♪ ("LOVE SONG" BY ALBERT BROOKS PLAYING) ♪

ALBERT: ♪ (SINGING) ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

When I made my first album,

I got very cocky and said, "I'm not touring."

And I watched the record just die.

Good night, ladies and gentlemen.

Like a rock band coming out with an album,

- you gotta promote the record... - That's right. And--

- ...by going on tour. - And I realized this

after a month, it was dead, and I did too little too late.

- ♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - ALBERT: I booked these clubs.

- And there was a circuit... - ROB: Right.

- ...in the early '70s. - ROB: Right.

The Bitter End, Troubadour, Paul's Mall, The Cellar Door.

- Right. Mr. Kelly's. - ALBERT: Mr. Kelly's.

- Right. - And I never loved it.

What happened on the stage at Paul's Mall in...

- ALBERT: Boston. Yeah. - ...in Boston?

Where you said, "I just can't do this"?

ALBERT: It didn't happen on the stage.

I went back to my hotel in between shows,

and I don't know, it just sort of--

- The world changed. - ROB: Yeah.

It just sort of-- I had an explosion.

He called me. He said,

"The elephants are moving on the wall

of the wallpaper in my motel."

I said, "So, you should probably come home now.

- That's a bad sign." - (ROB CHUCKLES)

What I think it was, and I could say this now.

- ROB: Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I couldn't tell you then.

I think I got so good at not getting close.

As a very little kid, two, three, and four,

I was gonna outsmart God.

I'm not gonna get close to the sky

and then you're just gonna take him.

Uh, I'm smarter than that.

And I learned how to keep distance.

Hmm. And that not getting close,

that being detached from everything,

I almost feel like that was waiting.

"Hello. Excuse me.

Here's 15 years you never dealt with."

- Wow. - And it was all of that at once.

Could it have been the fact that that coincided

with the fact that your father died on stage?

Yes. Yes.

- It still plays in my head. - ROB: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

ANNOUNCER: NBC's Saturday Night.

ROB: You were approached by Lorne Michaels

- to host Saturday Night Live. - ALBERT: Okay, yeah. Yes.

I'll tell you the story.

And this is a true story and I never tell it

because nobody wants to hear it, but--

- I wanna hear it. - No, I'm just saying.

They called me in 1974.

I went to an office with Dick Ebersol

and Lorne Michaels.

- Right. - ALBERT: And they said,

"We're gonna do an original show."

Fantastic.

"We'd like it to be The Albert Brooks Show."

ROB: Wow.

And I said, "You know what? Every show has a regular host.

You should do revolving hosts. That's what I would do."

Right.

Then four months later, they didn't have anybody

and they wanted my name.

At that time, they liked what my name represented,

and they wanted my name, and they said,

"What do you want to do?"

And I had made a short film years earlier for PBS,

The Great American Dream Machine,

where I took an article I wrote in Esquire,

"The Albert Brooks' Famous School for Comedians,"

to teach you to be a comedian.

- ROB: Right. - ALBERT: Like a commercial.

"Hello! Do you think you can be funny?"

How many times have you gotten nice laughs at a party?

Had a friend turn to you and say,

"You know something? That was pretty funny.

You should think about being a comedian."

Well, your friend was right.

First today, we'll visit comedy take class.

Here, the students practice all kinds of takes.

The double take, the elbow take.

And today, they're working on the spit take,

made so famous by Danny Thomas on Make Room for Daddy.

Remember when Danny would be drinking coffee,

his agent, Sid, would come in with some surprising news?

Danny would spit the coffee all over Sid and the furniture.

Let's see how these kids are doing.

All right. Now that was pretty good

but I'd like to try it just one more time

in the same way.

Now remember, I just walked into the room.

Now, start to drink.

Good. Now, I speak.

Guess what? I just heard from the bank,

and not only don't you have any money,

- but your sister is dead! - (STUDENTS SPIT)

COMEDY TEACHER: That's good.

That's much better, except, again,

Carol, you didn't put the liquid in your mouth

and you gargled instead of spit for the fifth straight time.

That was funny.

So, I said, "Let me make short films."

So, they made an agreement. I would make six short films

and I would do it from Los Angeles.

He shaped the trajectory of Saturday Night Live

in two ways.

It's because of him that they have guest hosts

every week, and it's because of him

- that they have film pieces. - (CROWD APPLAUDING)

ANNOUNCER: In an unprecedented move

- to ease world tension... - ♪ (CELEBRATORY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

...the country of Israel and the state of Georgia

have agreed to change places.

This is indeed an auspicious occasion

- of the 20th century. - (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

And I hope that New Orleans will be easier

to deal with than Cairo.

(CROWD APPLAUDS)

I know-- I know that my entire state

is looking forward to heat without humidity.

(CROWD APPLAUDS)

ALBERT: I thought it would be funny

to dress up as a cow

and try and purchase an airline ticket.

Those shorts were mind-blowing to me.

- ROB: Yeah, yeah. - Like, they were like,

the most punk comedy thing I had ever seen at that point.

- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) - This is my favorite part

of the show because it gives me a chance

to introduce a film written, directed,

and starring my best friend, Albert Brooks.

The show that you were on.

ROB: Yeah, that was the third show.

He-- I made a film that ran too long for his taste.

- Yeah. - And Lorne said,

"Um, we're not running it. It's too long."

- ROB: Yeah. - And thank God you hosted...

- ROB: Yeah. - ...and you said,

"I wanna run that."

So many of us go through life

doing one thing, wanting to do something else.

I'm one of those people. I'm a comedian.

Show business has been good to me.

But quite frankly, if I had the grades in school,

I would have become a surgeon.

Well, on July 22nd of this year, I did something about it.

I took out the following ad

in ten of the nation's leading newspapers.

"I, Albert Brooks, professional entertainer,

wish to perform open heart surgery,

coronary bypass operation preferred."

Here we go.

DOCTOR: No, no, no, no.

ALBERT: You stay-- Okay. All right.

I pray it doesn't hurt. I pray it doesn't hurt.

- ALBERT: The hell is going on? - I pray it doesn't hurt.

ALBERT: Why is he awake? Where is the anesthesiologist?

DOCTOR: I don't know. You're the chief. (CHUCKLES)

ALBERT: Look, I have been up for a week,

I have a very bad sore throat.

- Don't start with me. - He don't feel very well.

- Leave him alone. - ALBERT: That's all right.

JUDD APATOW: You didn't know what show Albert

- would have a film on. - ROB: Right.

So, it always felt to me, like,

there was this weird J.D. Salinger comedy guy

that every once in a while would offer something up,

and you didn't know when it was gonna come.

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- STEVEN: Hi, Albert. - You got it?

STEVEN: Yes. (STAMMERS) It's new.

I know that you use to hang out with Steven Spielberg.

- Yeah. - And he would film you.

I think he just liked to always run the camera.

Yeah, but he didn't run it with everybody. He just ran--

No, because I was giving him stuff.

- ROB: Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

I started filming Albert in 1973.

We'd go down, like, Sunset or go up La Cienega

just so Albert could lean out the window

and interview people at a red light.

ALBERT: Aha!

STEVEN: I mean, in a way, he predated Sacha Baron Cohen.

What Sacha did with Borat and all of his brilliant work...

- ROB: Right. - ...Albert was doing that stuff

on the streets with my eight-millimeter camera

- in the 1970s. - ROB: Wow. Wow.

GENE SISKEL: I can't think of any American filmmaker

whose movies I more eagerly await.

Directing my first movie,

Real Life, which beats Spinal Tap by...

- ROB: Which is the first one? - ...five years in mockumentary.

I've just completed a motion picture so exciting

that the following announcement will be presented in 3D,

so you can literally "feel" the excitement.

Real Life tells the story of what happens

when a real family's life

is turned into a major motion picture.

That family could have been you, or you, or you!

If you remember some years ago,

I think it was on PBS, they did it.

Was it on national television?

They covered a family called the Loud family.

ALBERT: The idea was exciting to do because, you know,

other than the Loud family, no one had sort of

- made fun of this yet. - ROB: Yeah.

JUDD: It was so ahead of the curve.

Everything he was talking about is what television turned into.

LARRY DAVID: I saw Real Life and I thought,

"Oh, you know, this guy's... (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

...he's-- He is really special."

JUDD: The moment that we realize that we were gonna

wanna follow real people and they'd be more interesting

- than fictionalized people... - ROB: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

...Albert satirized that, but he was very aware

that people will be obsessed with making it

entertaining enough...

- ROB: Right. - ...and that show business

would ruin it and make it impure.

Honey, do you think it's safe for you to be eating

with your heating pad in your lap?

I have terrible cramps, I am bleeding profusely,

- and I wanna vomit on the table. - (CHUCKLES)

JEANNETTE YEAGER: What are you doing?

No, I just wanna let them know that this is not the way

we usually talk, especially at the dinner table.

This actually, uh, had some reflection of society

that are still relevant today.

I made an appointment with my gynecologist

for a quarter to 10:00 tomorrow morning.

And if you want to, you and the crew

can feel free to join me.

Film the gynecologist?

It became, for me, the test movie for--

If I was dating a girl, it'd be like,

"Let's watch Real Life." (LAUGHS)

- What are these? - These are cameras.

DR. MAXWELL RENNERT: Oh, no. Oh, God damn it.

What's going on here? I was clear.

Now, come on. Get out of here, you!

- Wait, wait, wait! - RENNERT: I don't need you here.

This is a big motion picture. I'm Albert Brooks. How are you?

RENNERT: I don't care who the hell you are.

Talk to my lawyer. I was cleared.

Get out. Out, out!

Dr. Rennert, these people are with me.

- They're filming my life. - RENNERT: Mrs. Yeager, I'm sorry

but I've had some bad experiences

- with the 60 Minutes people. - ALBERT: No, no.

- (TELEPHONE RINGS) - Huh...

There's four of us here, okay? He wants an abortion, all right?

Two. Make it two.

I'll take a hysterectomy. She'll have the same.

How about this for parking? You think 500 might do it?

I just wanna film her life. Please, don't make trouble.

Oh, my God. Maxwell Rennert, the baby broker.

- Oh, God damn it! Come on. - Oh, I can't believe it.

Was it tough to get that made?

I have found nothing easy to get made.

Getting made was the hard part of the life.

I was dating Linda Ronstadt.

One of her managers, he had a cousin,

who at the time owned the Chicago Bulls.

- Okay. - I sat in a steam room with him,

- and pitched this thing. - (CHUCKLES)

ALBERT: And he said to me,

"I'll give you half a million dollars.

You have to take a letter of credit out at a bank

and anything over is yours."

That you have to pay for?

- ALBERT: I have to pay for. - Right.

And it made every moment tense.

(ROB CHUCKLES)

But I wanna take this opportunity, Rob.

The man in Chicago, he keeps calling me and saying,

"Well, I-- I don't care if the picture makes money,

I just don't want you to go over budget.

I don't want a call in the middle of the night

saying, 'I need more money. I need more money.

- I need more money.'" - ROB: They're worried?

- They're worried about it? - Yeah. They're worried.

Taking a chance with a first-time director?

Yeah, but I mean, I'm a nice guy.

- I'm not gonna spend his money. - (CHUCKLES)

So, I thought maybe I could swear to God

- to him on television. - ROB: Go ahead.

- Would that be all right? - ROB: Go ahead. Go ahead.

- Can I get a-- Okay. - ROB: Yeah, give him a close-up.

Mr. Culver is the name.

I, Albert Brooks, swear to God I won't go over budget.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

If I do, I will pay every penny out of my own pocket,

or Rob and Penny will pay for it.

Real Life was made independently,

and Paramount Pictures bought it.

This was my introduction.

- It was like a Broadway show. - ROB: Right, right.

And I get a call that said, "We're rethinking this.

We're not gonna go to New York. Let's not do the critics now.

Let's open in Honolulu, in Dallas, and New Orleans."

I said, "I'm gonna do better with critics than I'm gonna do

- with people in Honolulu." - ROB: Right, right.

If you pull it out of the critics' screenings,

it says to the critics,

- the film is flawed. - ROB: Right, right.

And I said,

"If you do this, I won't do one show,

and if I talk to any press, I will tell them

that you've ruined my life."

And they said, "Well, let us call you back in 15 minutes."

Thank God that for whatever threat, it worked.

And you know, I got the reviews that started my career.

- ROB: Yes. - ALBERT: If that didn't happen,

I don't know where I'd be.

So, you mentioned Harry Shearer, that you worked

- on A Star Is Bought. - And Real Life,

- Harry, worked. Yeah. - And Real Life.

- He was one of the writers. - ALBERT: Yeah.

- Along with Monica Johnson. - ALBERT: Yes.

ROB: You worked with Monica...

- On many pictures. - ...on other pictures.

Tell me about your relationship with Monica.

Well, Monica was great.

Monica understood the Albert Brooks character

like nobody else. She was so funny.

I wanted to be in a room or in a car with her

because back and forth,

- I think it made me better. - ROB: Right.

She got everything. And then she could

- throw out a line... - ROB: Yeah, yeah.

...and you know, just something really--

She-- she got it.

I became aware of Albert on The Tonight Show.

I became obsessed with Albert with Modern Romance.

- Modern Romance. - Modern Romance.

It's my life.

God, there's something wrong with you.

No, there isn't. I'm in love.

- That's not it. - Yes.

- No. - Yes, I'm in love. I love you.

(SIGHS)

I called the number, okay? A guy answered.

Obviously, a guy isn't your brother's girlfriend.

So, who is he? You slept with him? Twice?

- I'm going home. - I've been this guy.

I've been this guy a lot of times.

I'm, you know, much older now. I can still be that guy.

Modern Romance was, you know, me willing to look completely

like a psychopath and how jealousy works.

I don't think that we should go out anymore.

- I mean, I just think it's over. - (SIGHS)

You've heard of a no-win situation,

- haven't you? - No.

No? Really no? You've never heard of one?

Vietnam, this? I'm telling you, they're around.

I think we're in one of them.

So, the jealousy, all of that feeling of jealousy,

- that was just something... - ALBERT: That's--

...you felt, but you didn't--

I felt and it was weird, and I wanted to show it.

ROB: Yeah.

Look, you two didn't get along. You said it yourself,

all you ever did was fight.

You're right. Thank you. Thank you.

That's all we ever did.

I'm telling you, we fought and fought

and then we had great sex. (CHUCKLES)

We never really could talk.

Do you need to talk?

The whole thing made me so uncomfortable

because I was at the time,

in a very unpleasant relationship.

And I thought, "Well, this is admirable."

If you can go and do a movie and it makes you feel...

it magnifies what you're feeling already.

The head of Columbia said,

"You have to add a psychiatrist scene

and explain this behavior."

- Right. Right. -"And if you don't add

a psychiatrist scene, you won't have a second week,"

which basically meant, we're not gonna advertise.

- ROB: Wow. Wow. - And Stanley Kubrick called me.

And he said, "You're blaming yourself.

It's not your fault.

Studios make a decision of whether a movie

is gonna be a hit. It's their decision.

I've watched your movie play in front of 25 people.

It's killer."

And then he said, "How did you do this?"

"This is the jealousy movie I've always wanted to make."

And I'm going, "Hello. How did I do it?

How did the guy walk upside down in 2001?"

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

"You tell me and I'll tell you how I screwed up the girl."

(LAUGHS)

The roller coaster ride of Modern Romance,

that really always connected with me. It just--

ROB: Wow.

I'm still looking for my Albert Brooks.

And to America, look out, here we come!

(GUESTS CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

♪ ("BORN TO BE WILD" BY STEPPENWOLF PLAYING) ♪

♪ Get your motor runnin'... ♪

The Jupiter with all the gravitational pull

is, for me, Lost in America.

(HORN HONKS)

♪ Racing with the wind... ♪

What was the inspiration for Lost in America?

People who make gigantic decisions

- and are wrong. - (ROB CHUCKLES)

This is what we talked about when we were 19.

Remember? We kept saying, "Let's find ourselves."

But we didn't have a dollar

so we watched television instead.

I mean, we can drop out

and we can still have our nest egg.

So, these people really did everything.

They sold their house.

They-- they, you know, made the unfortunate mistake

of stopping in Vegas

- and then it was done. - ROB: Yeah.

♪ (SWING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- We're up! We're up! - (SCREAMS) No. We're still down.

- How down? How down? - Down. Twenty-two down.

- Twenty-two. - How down is she?

Down.

- Come on! Twenty-two! - How down are you?

- Down, down! - How much have you lost?

- Everything! - What does that mean?

- Everything! - What do you mean?

- Everything on 22... - What do you mean?

What is happening? What are you doing?

...and make it happen for me.

How much is left of the nest egg?

Nothing. Well, give-- give or take, 1,000.

- Give or take 1,000? - Yeah.

(GROANS)

As the boldest experiment in advertising history,

- you give us our money back. - I beg your pardon?

- I understood the nest egg-- - Please do me a favor.

Don't use the word. You may not use that word.

It's off limits to you.

Only those in this house who understand nest egg,

may use it. And don't use any part of it either.

Don't use "nest," don't use "egg."

If you're out in the forest, you can point,

that bird lives in a "round stick."

And-- and-- and you have "things" over-easy with toast.

STEVEN: It also spoke to the stuff

that we all go through

- when we have to find ourselves. - ROB: Right.

So, the movie is really a story about his search

for who he is as a man and also as a husband.

♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- (HORN HONKING) - (SCREAMS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

ANNOUNCER: Good afternoon and welcome to Judgment City.

You've just had quite the little journey, so for now,

- relax and enjoy the ride. - ROB: What made you think about

afterlife and those ideas? How'd you come up with that?

Well, one of the things when your father exits early,

you wonder, "Where does he go

- and what's going on here?" - ROB: Yeah.

Well, in a nutshell, you're here to defend your life.

Defend my life?

I didn't like movies about Heaven.

I don't like the clouds.

- ROB: Right. - I don't like the harps.

I don't-- And-- And this movie has no religion.

ROB: No.

So, what this movie is really about is fear,

which, you know, I've dealt with my whole life.

ROB: And so, if you could live a life without fear,

then you would be able to move on. And that the fear

- is what's holding you back. - That's right.

There are multiple movies on this topic,

from, like, the '40s and on.

"You die. You're suspended. Where are you going?

You're going to Heaven. Is there a Heaven?

Is there a God? Is there an afterlife?"

To me, Defending Your Life

is the finest piece of work on that topic.

- BOY: Look what I found? - Come on. Give me that.

Make me.

(ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)

Wow.

- Come on, chicken. (GRUNTS) - (KIDS SCREAMING INDISTINCTLY)

You stick up for yourself, low-life chicken.

BOB DIAMOND: You see, every second of every lifetime

is always recorded.

And as each one ends, we sort of look at it.

Look at a few of the days, examine it,

and then if everybody agrees, you move forward.

What do you mean "move forward"?

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: As an astrophysicist,

Defending Your Life was one of the most insightful films

I had ever seen.

I measure the value of a movie to me

by how much influence it has over my thoughts.

The claim is that as a human being on Earth,

we're using some small percent of our total brain power.

His attorney, who's defending his life,

is using, like, 45 or 50 percent

of his brain power.

But there's still higher levels beyond that.

For example, I use 48 percent of my brain.

Do you know how much you use?

Forty-seven?

- (CHUCKLES) Three. - I'm sorry?

And the lawyer says, "I am deeply simplifying

my communication, so that you can understand me."

Where were you? I'm just curious.

I'd tell you but you wouldn't understand.

Don't treat me like a moron. Try me.

I was trapped near the inner circle

of thought.

- I don't understand. - I told you.

And it's because of that scene, I've always been thinking

about how stupid we may actually be

on the spectrum of intelligence in the universe.

- Hi. How'd you die? - On stage, like you.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

ROB: You and Meryl Streep are incredible together.

How did she wind up in that movie?

Well, I was friends with Carrie Fisher.

And she had a party, and Meryl Streep was there,

and I was surprised how easygoing she was.

And I said, "I just finished something

I'm really excited about it."

And I don't know if it was half-joking or real,

she said, "Is there a part in it for me?"

- I said, "Yeah. Right. Okay." - (ROB CHUCKLES)

And I went home and I thought, "God, yes!"

ROB: Yeah, yeah.

I don't know what this is. (SCOFFS)

But it's...

well, it's...

- effortless. (CHUCKLES) - Effortless.

CONAN: You can tell that everything

that's real in his personality is coming out.

But I've been defending myself so hard these last few days

and I just don't wanna be judged anymore.

I have this wonderful feeling inside of me but I'm af--

I'm just tired of being judged.

It's hilarious and I cry at the end every time.

- DANIEL MILLER: Julia! No! - (ELECTRICITY ZAPS)

- (SCREAMS) Daniel! - DANIEL: I love you!

♪ (EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

It's an emotional movie, and it's about personal growth,

and that's not something that was in the other movies.

- ROB: Right. - JUDD: But this time,

he finds a way to overcome his fear.

He finds love. He wins at the end,

and it felt like a big choice from Albert to show the lessons

that I assumed he was trying to learn in life.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

Do you have any thoughts about what happens after you die?

I don't mind being taken out of the game.

I just don't wanna see anymore of the game.

- Yeah, yeah. - So that, to me, would be agony.

- ROB: Yes. - To be taken away

but you get a little peek at...

"Oh, Rob's still doing well," you know?

(BOTH LAUGH)

And by the way, on nights you sleep and you don't dream,

how do you know, what if you don't wake up?

- How would you know? - Yeah.

I mean, God, the first time I had a colonoscopy,

it was-- I wanted one every day.

It's the greatest sleep in the world.

And if you woke me up a thousand years later,

- I wouldn't have any idea. - ROB: Right.

So, I imagine that's what it is.

What? Like having a colonoscopy?

- Yes. - ROB: Yeah.

Yeah. A big one. (LAUGHS)

So, you're feeling your way through the world

of relationships with, uh, women.

And I'm sure, there were a lot of women, come in and out

- of your life and all that. - Yes.

And so that I'm sure gives birth to things like Modern Romance,

like Defending Your Life, like Lost in America,

all of those pictures that have these relationships.

We're seeing Albert Brooks struggling

with the opposite sex.

So, how did you eventually find your way?

Well, I lucked out because I waited long enough

where I had reached a point,

and if anybody ever asks me advice about it,

you know, "How do you find someone?"

I mean, the answer is you stop looking.

Albert, you were one of the last bachelors to go in Hollywood.

- You waited a long time. - (LAUGHS) That's right.

Warren Beatty and I used to huddle in the corner.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

What was it about this lady that set her apart

from all those nymphet starlets

- you'd been with? - Yes!

I guess this wasn't the romantic way to put it,

but after two days, I looked right in her eyes

and I said, "You're the first woman

I'm willing to be divorced from."

(ALL LAUGHING)

I met Kimberly and it was just right.

ROB: Yeah. How did you meet her?

- I was set up by friends. - ROB: Yeah.

And she called it a blind date,

and yet Defending Your Life was her favorite movie,

so I said, "Well, it was a one-eyed date."

ROB: Yes.

I thought the movie was amazing. And I said,

"This man wrote, directed, and starred in this?

That's the kind of guy I wanna marry."

I swear to God I said that. (CHUCKLES)

- ROB: Really? - Yeah.

But I was filming in San Francisco, Mother.

- ROB: Right. - So, we talked on the phone

for ages. But I'll tell you, one of these,

I'm not a big coincidence guy.

- ROB: Yeah. - But this was interesting.

I wrote Mother before I met her, and she came from Marin,

and I set the character in Marin.

- More importantly... - ROB: That's why--

...I set the character at Tam High,

- where she went to high school. - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

So, that was weird!

Our hour-long conversations became, you know,

eight-hour long conversations

and he made me laugh till I cried

but this was before the internet.

He had no idea what I looked like.

So, we kind of fell in love by talking.

And we talked on the phone

and it was great, great, great, great, great.

We met and it was great.

And, you know, I had waited and knew that I couldn't--

shouldn't be waiting too much longer.

- ROB: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - (LAUGHS)

- Yeah. - ROB: Yeah, yeah.

My line was,

"I'm gonna have to look for high schools with ramps."

(BOTH LAUGH)

"Is Dad coming?"

"He's wheeling up. He's wheeling up."

The chemistry, everything was there

the minute we met.

Somehow, I don't know how it happened,

but we were, like, making out

to the soundtrack of Schindler's List.

- (ROB CHUCKLES) - (LAUGHS)

That's true.

It was worth waiting for.

- ROB: Yeah, yeah. - That's all I can say.

KIMBERLY: And I said, "Well, look,

I don't know why you've waited but this is what I want.

I wanna get married, you know, have kids.

The whole nine yards."

So, then he kept saying, "Well, why don't you move in?"

Like, when we were dating.

And I kept going like this, "It's so empty there, isn't it?

Like, do you see anything?" You know, like, every time.

And then he said, "Okay, I'll take you to Tiffany's."

And I was like, "Ah, ah, I need to hear the whole sentence.

Like, you need to get on a knee. Like, you need to do it."

- And so then he did it. - ROB: Wow.

She thinks I proposed. I actually tripped.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

- You were on your knees-- - That's right.

I dropped a contact lens, bent down to pick it up

- and she said, "Yes." - And you got married.

- Yeah. - (ALL LAUGH)

ROB: I've known you so long,

and when you met Kimberly and you got married

and you had kids,

I thought, "This is a big thing for Albert,"

because you didn't see that evolution for you.

I was sick of me.

I mean, if I couldn't do this for somebody,

I think I would never have

- left my home past fifty. - ROB: Right, right.

And so you have Jake, you have Claire,

and now all of a sudden you're a father.

How are you adjusting to that?

I couldn't imagine a life without it.

Now, do your kids know that you're that Albert Brooks?

I-- I haven't really shown them the movies yet

because they--

I don't wanna see them not like it.

'Cause then I'd have to punish them severely.

- (DAVID LETTERMAN LAUGHING) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

In my will, David,

I have a detailed questionnaire about my movies.

- (LAUGHS) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And if they can't answer it...

- Very shrewd. - There's nothing.

- There's nothing. - I think you're on

- to something there. - Right. There's nothing.

- A only mark. - All right, and action!

She's a muse.

Come on.

No. I-- I met her at a party a couple of years ago.

- Rob Reiner introduced us. - Rob Reiner?

ROB: The idea of the film

is that there's this woman who's a muse

who can get the best things out of people,

so they can do their best work.

That's right. When you start believing that,

- it becomes something. - ROB: Right, right.

It's the ultimate placebo.

I can see why you need me.

When he called me, I was just, like...

(GASPS) "Oh, my God, it's Albert Brooks!"

You have a lot of talent.

(SIGHS) It's just that you're losing your edge.

Jesus, I am hearing this from everybody.

That's because it's true.

And I said, "Oh, I'm in!" And he goes,

"You don't even need to see the script?"

And I'm like, "No."

ALBERT: Sharon was so receptive.

- And so much fun to work with. - ROB: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Just really, ideas and energy. I was crazy about her.

- Say that to them. - Everything is her.

- (LAUGHS) - (MOUTHING) Everything. (LAUGHS)

We had this really wonderful trust

right from the start.

There's this scene where I get in bed

with Andie MacDowell.

So, what side of the bed do you want?

Oh, you're gonna sleep in the bed too?

And I said, "So, I wanna be naked."

And he went, "I don't know. I don't know."

- He kept covering his eyes. - ROB: His eyes?

Yeah, like, "I-- I don't know if I can--

I don't know if I can see that."

You want the whole bed?

Well, hey, it's your house, you know? Whatever you wanna do.

LAURA PHILLIPS: Oh, my God. You want the whole bed?

Take it.

And then you had Scorsese.

ALBERT: Yeah, we have these famous directors

all thinking that they might get help from this fraud.

Just tell him Marty was here, okay?

'Cause I gotta get this thing figured out. I'm right in the middle of it.

- I gotta get it figured out. - What are you working on?

- Promise you won't tell anybody? - Yeah.

I'm working on a remake of Raging Bull.

- Really? - Yeah. Only this time,

I'm doing it with a real thin guy. Real thin.

- Can you see it? - Yeah. I see it.

- Thin. Thin. Thin. - Thin and angry. Thin and angry.

Thin and angry. Is there a Starbucks near here?

Oh, gee, I'd be careful if I were you.

- You might have had your quota. - Yeah. I guess I'd-- Quota?

That gives me an idea for something else entirely.

Thank you. We never had this conversation.

I don't know who you are. We never spoke.

Jim Cameron.

I just don't see you going back to the water anytime soon.

So... no sequel?

No.

Stay away from the water. Don't go near the water.

- And me. I was-- Yeah. Yeah. - ALBERT: And you.

- Sarah! - (SCREAMS) Oh!

- It's so good to see you. - Oh, hey! Oh!

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

For the rest of your life

you're gonna be looking over your shoulder.

I'm just telling you this because

- I want you to know the truth. - ♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

Albert is a totally trained actor.

He has all that technique. He has all those tools.

He can do anything.

- Notice anything? - No.

BETSY: Then put your glasses on.

Okay. Just a minute. All right.

That taxi driver has been staring at us.

What taxi driver?

That one. The one that's sitting there.

TOM: How long has he been there?

BETSY: I don't know but it feels like a long time.

My first acting movie was Taxi Driver.

ROB: Right. Scorsese.

ALBERT: That was a hell of a movie to have starred in.

Why did they think Albert Brooks would be perfect

for a movie about Travis Bickle?

You know, I think Scorsese had seen plenty of me

on the variety shows. And he loved comedy

and he sensed that I could do it.

But to me, just going to the set on days I wasn't working

and watching Marty, it was a thrilling experience.

Why won't you talk to me?

- Come on. - Why won't you talk to me?

Why don't you answer my calls when I call you?

You think I don't know you're here?

- Let's not have any trouble. - You think I don't know?

- You think I don't know? - TOM: Would you please leave?

- Get your hands off me. - Okay. Then leave.

I just want you to know that I know and I'm here.

TOM: Come on. Let's not have any trouble.

Please. Just please. This isn't the place to do this.

- TRAVIS BICKLE: Get your hands-- - TOM: Okay.

- Get your hands off! - Okay. Then just leave!

- Take 'em off! - All right. Just leave then.

ROB: What made you decide

that he was the guy you wanted for Broadcast News?

Oh, not decision. Just--

We talked about it through the writing.

I mean, there was nobody else.

You can't end up with Tom

because it totally goes against everything

that you're about.

I know you care about him.

I've never seen you like this with anybody.

So, don't get me wrong when I tell you that Tom,

while being a very nice guy...

is the devil.

I wanna talk about this very specific moment

in Broadcast News,

and it's famous because anybody who gets nervous,

they say, "You're sweating just like Albert Brooks."

Tell me how that moment came to be.

In the original script, Jim didn't have sweating.

It was Aaron has a horrible failure.

ROB: Right. Yeah.

You're anchoring it, taking William Hurt's place.

ALBERT: Right. And one night,

I saw at midnight, a new guy on CNN.

Albert called me one day, so excited,

and he said, "I just saw a guy on CNN sweating bullets."

I woke Jim up. "Jim! Jim! Turn on CNN!

I know what we-- This is it!" And it worked.

- It worked. - ROB: Wow, wow, wow.

The British foreign secretary today, pounced on what he termed

"The nest of professional spies and amateur traders

who are turning NATO headquarters

into an instrument

whose only true function is folly."

Just how noticeable is this, huh?

BRIAN WILLIAMS: Albert really trashed

the shirt and the jacket that night.

But for years afterward,

and after anyone sees it now, contemporaneously today...

DIRECTOR 1: Five seconds!

...people will find a way to ask you,

"Were you more like the William Hurt character

or were you the sweaty intellectual?"

A hundred and twenty people were reported injured.

At least 22 people dead.

- DIRECTOR 2: Commercial. - I wish I were one of them.

I think that his performance in Broadcast News

is just the North Star for almost everything.

There's a lot of people that feel like,

"I'm kind of a decent person,

and why do I always get passed over?"

Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation

made us more attractive? If needy were a turn-on?

- Call if you get weird. - Mm.

We thought we were Albert Brooks in that relationship.

No comedy people thought they were William Hurt.

I thought Albert and Holly sort of stole the show.

Hey, Aaron! I think you're the devil!

- You know I'm not! - How?

AARON ALTMAN: Because I think we have the kind of friendship

where if I were the devil,

you'd be the only one I would tell.

Well, you were awfully quick to run after Tom's help

- when you wanted help! - All right. Fine. Yes!

And if things had gone well for me tonight,

then I probably wouldn't be saying any of this.

I grant you everything... but give me this.

He personifies everything that you've been fighting against.

And I'm in love with you.

How do you like that?

I buried the lede.

I love seeing him play villains. I've seen Drive a million times.

Kid, I want you to meet Mr. Bernie Rose.

BERNIE ROSE: Nice to meet you.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

My hands are a little dirty.

So are mine.

ALBERT: And Nicolas Refn said,

"Why would I believe he was a bad guy?"

And I pinned them up against the door.

- I mean, I really did. - ROB: Yeah.

And I said quietly, "There's no convincing Nicolas."

I said, "If I now took a gun, and put it in your ear

and shot a bullet through your brain

and smiled and left, I'd be a bad guy."

I think we would have made a go with this business.

- (GROANS) - Don't worry. Don't worry.

That's it. It's done.

There's no pain. It's over. It's over.

I mean, he's a beautiful actor.

His character parts that he would do.

DR. CYRIL WECHT: The NFL owns the day of the week.

The same day the church used to own. Now, it's theirs.

RICHARD RIPLEY: You're a bank robber.

It's not a very marketable skill.

We don't see a lot of old bank robbers

walking around with a pension plan, now do we?

I don't anticipate a problem.

God knows they've given money to bigger crooks than us.

BOY: Daddy, you never play with me.

I do, but right now, look who I'm talking to!

- Hi. - It's your brother!

Hi.

- Say-- - You don't look like my brother.

I told you, honey, that's 'cause of the egg donor.

I am so excited.

I can't believe I'm in a car with Albert Brooks,

Lucy Liu, and Jerry David.

I just can't believe

- we're all going-- - Oh, you're so funny. (LAUGHS)

I got my Jews confused a little bit.

(LAUGHS) "I got my Jews confused"?

- She's funny, Albert. - She's funny.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Anti-Semitic, but funny. - Yeah. (LAUGHS)

He was actually a little nervous the first day.

- ROB: He-- he was? - Yeah.

- ROB: Why? - I could tell.

I know when somebody is nervous, yeah.

ROB: The premise, to me, is terrific.

The idea of doing a eulogy or doing a memorial service

for somebody before they die.

Welcome, everyone. Thank you for coming.

Albert inspired me to become a stand-up comedian.

And that more than anything,

makes me wish he was really dead.

(GUESTS LAUGHING)

I hate him.

Thanks to Larry David,

we learned he was a COVID hoarder.

- ♪ (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - Oh, my God.

Albert Brooks is a COVID hoarder.

- He's a fucking COVID hoarder. - He's a COVID hoarder.

- Albert's a COVID hoarder. - Are you kidding?

This is unacceptable.

What's going on here?

The fuck is wrong with you? You're sitting over there

with a closet full of fucking toilet paper?

I just moved in here. This used to be a CVS.

- Shame on you, Albert Brooks. - Come back! I've got flu shots!

You've done a lot of voices for animated stuff.

I did a lot of Simpsons characters.

Everybody on The Simpsons,

when Albert came in, it was New Year's Eve for them.

Homer, on your way out,

if you wanna kill somebody, it would help me a lot.

(LAUGHS)

The key to motivation is trust. Let me show you what I mean.

I want you to close your eyes and fall backwards

and I'll catch you.

That's gonna show you what trust is all about.

- Ready? - All right.

Three, two--

- (TELEPHONE RINGS) - One second. Hello?

- (HOMER SCREAMS) - Oh, my God.

A guy's on the floor.

You never saw writers aggressively

not care about their script... (LAUGHS)

...because of what Albert would do when he came in.

- Meet me tomorrow for brunch. - What's brunch?

You'd love it. It's not quite breakfast,

it's not quite lunch.

But it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end.

You don't get completely what you would at breakfast

but you get a good meal.

- Nemo! - Daddy!

Nemo! I'm coming, Nemo!

Dad!

- MARLIN: Nemo! - Dad!

(SIGHS) Thank goodness. It's all right, son.

How did you come to Finding Nemo?

How would-- how did that come about?

They contacted me, and to convince me,

they flew me up to Pixar.

And they did the cutest thing I've ever seen.

They took a scene from Defending Your Life

and put it in the fish's mouth.

Look, I'm guilty. I didn't make enough money, okay?

Call me a hippie, send me to hell. I give up.

I said, "All right. I'm in."

Hey, you're a clownfish. You're funny, right?

Hey, tell us a joke.

FISH: Yeah, come on. Give us a funny one.

Well, actually, that's a common misconception.

Clownfish are no funnier than any other fish.

There's a story I heard that, uh,

when you went to the first preview--

It was the premier. And I think Jake was maybe four.

- Right. - And after that fish

killed everybody but my one son, he ran out of the theater.

I was old enough to kind of understand

that, like, that was my dad's voice.

But I was young enough to-- to not understand what I was.

And my mom would say,

"That's you. That's Daddy. That's you. That's you."

Then I go to the movie.

And in my mind, I'm genuinely Nemo.

Like, I'm the fish. There's no difference.

And then one scene in,

the mom gets, like, murdered by this fish.

You know, I'm processing the death.

And I'm crying, and we had to leave.

Then my mom had to be like, "No, no, no!

I'm here. I'm here. It's not real."

Finding Nemo kind of took the world by storm.

I remember I was, like, nine.

It was my first time going to sleepaway camp

and I was so homesick and nervous.

I would cry a lot. And then all of a sudden,

Finding Nemo was playing on the bus.

I didn't know anyone.

I was just sitting there, watching my dad,

like, "It's gonna be okay."

There, there, there. It's okay. Daddy's here.

♪ (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

MARLIN: Daddy's got you.

And then you also wrote a book?

I did. I was very proud of that book,

called Twenty Thirty,

The Real Story of What Happens to America.

And I wanted to do a real near future story.

The main conflict of this

is the olds versus the younger generations.

Yes. I feel and I can see it in my own children

that in a number of years, these younger people

are gonna try to kill us.

- (LAUGHS) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You mind if I would do something?

- No, please. - 'Cause I know, in this--

in the mass world of media, things don't get attention

- unless they go viral. - Right. Right.

Would you mind if I hold this up and kiss you on the lips?

Please?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

The president, as you know,

has a pretty darn good sense of humor.

And he felt that maybe the only way

to really understand somebody

was to see what makes them laugh.

ALBERT: Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World

was an interesting experience.

FRED THOMPSON: We'd like for you to head up a project.

Take a month, go to India and Pakistan,

write a 500-page report,

and tell us what makes the Muslims laugh.

You'd be doing a hell of a service for your country.

Things were getting crazy in our world.

- ROB: Right. - And... I sort of wanted to show

that you could say the word "Muslim" and not be killed.

Tonight's a very special night because by what you laugh at,

you're gonna teach me who you are.

Why is there no Halloween in India?

'Cause they took away the Gandhi.

All right. I've been, you know,

touring around your lovely country.

I was in Kashmir last weekend.

Went to visit one of my sweaters.

You know what I'm thinking here? And possibly this is our fault

because we put a couple of different languages

on the fliers.

How many understand me?

If you speak English, would you raise your hand?

How many? All of you? Oh, God.

The picture was supposed to come out in the fall.

They had made all the posters. They had made everything.

Then the Danish cartoons happened.

- Oh, yes, yes. - And Sony said,

"We can't release a movie with the word 'Muslim' in it."

And they said, "If you don't change it

to Looking for Comedy, we're not gonna release it."

And I said, "I made the movie for the title. It's the point."

So, after a big studio drops you for a specific reason,

other studios start to go, "Maybe they know something.

- Why do we wanna--" - Yeah, yeah.

So, anyway, they threw us to the curb

and we went with Warner Independent.

- Right. - I remember, we had a meeting.

You know, these meetings

where they give you the advertising plan.

And I came in and I was waiting for, you know,

what television stations, what--

And they were trying to make it a good thing.

"We're not gonna go TV."

- (LAUGHS) - ALBERT: "Really?"

"No, no. The world's changing.

We're gonna do something much more interesting."

"What?"

"Well, we're gonna do a little thing on Jdate."

"Oh, God!" And you leave saying,

"It's dead. There's nothing I can do."

Wow. Wow.

Now, let me tell you the funny thing.

You know where the movie premiered?

- At the Dubai Film Festival. - ROB: Wow.

They asked me to watch it with the head, the sheikh.

Right.

So, I went up there into this little balcony.

It's five of his friends

and five women sitting in the other section.

And people were just on the phone the whole time.

- Wow. Yeah, yeah. - But I had a joke in that movie

that I was waiting to see what they would do.

And that's when I was in India interviewing assistants.

I interviewed one after another after another.

And this one woman came

and I asked her all these questions.

"Do you think you know-- Do you know the city?

Can you type?"

And then she said, "I can do all of that.

I have a question for you."

You're not a Jew, are you?

Um... not... this minute.

I mean, sometimes I-- I am.

How much of the time?

Part-time.

And I was waiting for that, sitting next to the sheikh.

You know, and he got off his phone.

"You're not a Jew, are you?" Off the phone.

Looked up at the screen. "Not all the time."

- Big laugh. - ROB: Wow.

- Big laugh from the women. - ROB: Wow.

Back to the phones.

ROB: I mean, I'm listening to all of this

and I'm getting a person who's been defending his life.

You've been defending yourself against--

- Every goddamn minute. - ROB: Yeah. (LAUGHS)

- And it still doesn't stop. - ROB: Yeah. Yeah.

It just enters another phase of defending.

Yeah.

I had a very famous agent and he said to me,

"I don't know why you always take the hard road."

- ROB: Yeah, yeah. - And my answer was,

"You think I see two roads...

- and I don't." - ROB: Wow.

"If there was an easy road, I'd have a house there."

I said, "What do you think, I get up,

I can't wait for the goddamn trouble

I'm gonna get into?"

I said, "I don't see-- I see one road!"

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) - This... is the real me.

Thank you very much.

I hope to see you again some time.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)

♪ (BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

- ♪ (SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - I remember,

the first time I met him was here.

- ROB: At-- at our house? - Yeah.

And he came up, and he said some nice complimentary things to me.

And I thought, "Oh, well--" I mean, that was--

- that was a big night for me... - ROB: Yeah. Yeah.

...that I had Albert Brooks's approval.

- ROB: Wow. - That really meant a lot to me.

I-- I met Albert with Garry Shandling.

And we went out to dinner with him.

I remember I went home

and wrote down everything Albert said.

- (ROB LAUGHING) - (LAUGHS)

I think my main memory of him is, like, him in the house

in a bathrobe, like, kind of just moseying around,

but he had this, like, lion brain where he would just,

like, you know, he's so freaking smart.

I am, like, the hardest to get a laugh out of,

so he always likes to imitate me when he tells jokes

and it's like-- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) You know?

(CHUCKLES) That's it.

He's such a mensch, you know? Such a mensch.

When I was, like, invited to go on a walk with him,

it was like-- I felt like I had done something right

in my comedic career.

He suggested, "Well, we could get together."

And he said, "You know,

if that's not a good time for you, you can say 'No.'"

He said, "You won't be hurting my feelings."

He said, "I left my feelings

on the Warner Brothers lot in 1978."

- (LAUGHS) - (ROB LAUGHING)

I think he unapologetically played to the band,

you know, which was cool.

If you're watching it, you enjoyed it.

Because if you got it, you really felt special.

Just fearless, funny.

- He's so fucking hot. - (ROB LAUGHING)

- He got a wife? - ROB: Yes.

Yeah. Okay.

Well, you know, I was gonna offer up my uterus but...

- ROB: I see. - ...I'm cool.

If I could get one tattoo,

maybe I'd get the nest egg tattooed somewhere on my body.

He will always be a filmmaker's filmmaker.

You had to put him with Woody and Chaplin and those people

who controlled all parts of their film,

who made it an extension of themselves.

And what you didn't want to happen

watching an Albert Brooks movie,

you'd never wanted the scenes

- to ever end. - ROB: Wow.

It's just a body of work over time

that is so singular, and impressive, and hilarious,

and heartbreaking.

I would rather have Albert's career than my career.

ROB: Wow.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪