Original subtitles

This is a man's world

This is a man's world

Baby!

-But it wouldn't mean nothing -But it wouldn't mean nothing

Nothing

Without a woman or a girl

Well, tonight, my NO MA'AM brothers...

...while our wives are flirting their lives away at bingo...

...we will be watching the sport of kings:

-Wrestling. -Yes.

Have we got the necessary snacks from the Just Store?

-Yeah. I got Just Oreo filling. -I've got Just jerky.

And I've got Just alcohol.

Okay, guys, let's party like Kennedys.

Yes!

This is a man's wo--

Well, Peg, like I said when I woke up this morning:

What the hell are you doing here?

We skipped bingo tonight to watch the TV movie Old Man Older Woman.

They made a movie of our love life?

No. That would be Young Redhead Younger Pizza Boy.

Old Man Older Woman is the TV movie event of the season.

It's an epic love story spanning three generations...

...ages 70 through 100.

Starring Hume Cronyn, Katharine Hepburn...

...and introducing Buddy Ebsen as Junior.

-CBS? -Of course.

Well, Marcie, I'm afraid that you and the Joy Cluck Club...

...are going to have to miss slipping denture theater tonight...

...because me and the guys are watching wrestling.

-Yeah. -You'll watch it over my dead body.

Okay.

All right. All right. Come on, guys.

Let's go back to my place. We don't have to stay...

-...and take guff from the women. -Hold it, mister.

You know the rules: "Only one friend over at a time."

But I did all my chores.

There must be somewhere we can proudly watch wrestling.

How about your grown son's room down in the basement?

Griff, you're a genius.

We'll watch it on Bud's TV.

"Please do not disturb. I'm getting some."

The door is locked.

You really think he's got a girl in there?

Five bucks says he doesn't.

Bud, I'm not like other girls.

I understand.

I only go all the way on the first date.

I'll be a son of a gun. He does have a girl down here.

Excuse me. Excuse me. I got a girl here.

I know. You just cost me 5 bucks. Damn you.

Don't mind us. We just gonna be watching wrestling.

-Just Cheetos' dust? -Just stick it.

Thanks, Dad. Thanks.

That was Nasty Natalie.

She's the easiest girl in town.

Bud, if my father scared away the easiest girl in my town...

...I'd never have gotten married, nor had you kids.

I'd be upstairs watching TV in my underwear...

...the way God had intended.

What's wrong with the TV?

You gotta stand behind it with a clothes hanger...

...for the picture to clear.

Oh, hey. They're about to interview King Kong Bundy.

Hey, Al, are you any relation to King Kong Bundy?

No. But he did take Peg's nickname.

Check out King Kong's "curvaliscious" valet...

...Anytime.

Listen up, wrestling fans.

I'm King Kong Bundy.

And tomorrow, Halloween night, live from Chicago's "Dick-a-dome"...

...I'm going to take that Captain Ecology...

...and tear him a new ozone hole.

Isn't that right, Anytime?

Oh, if you say so it must be so, King Kong-o.

She's brilliant.

Remember, that's tomorrow night.

Right after the Mike Tyson, Macaulay Culkin fight.

King Kong Bundy is the greatest.

He's my idol.

Well, him and Yanni.

Hey, I think we should make King Kong Bundy...

-...an honorary member of NO MA'AM. -Good idea.

-That's a good idea. -Wait a second.

I've been trying to get in for six months now.

Why is King Kong Bundy gonna get in over me?

Well, let's see.

King Kong is a man's man...

...and you're a human antenna.

Yeah, and you suck at it.

Wait a minute now, guys.

That's my son we're talking about.

The only one who gets to make fun of him is me.

And most women.

Hey, if he wants to join NO MA'AM...

...I say let's let him pledge our proud organization.

So, what do you have to do? Chug beers until I puke?

No, son. That's reserved for full members.

As a NO MA'AM pledge...

...you must perform a challenging labor...

...to show you are one of us.

Something brave and heroic to benefit mankind?

No. Something really, really stupid that benefits no one.

Congratulations, son, you're an official NO MA'AM plebe.

Now, tomorrow night, you go down to Wrestle Palooza.

If you can get your picture taken...

...with King Kong Bundy, our idol, you're in.

Son...

...make me proud.

-What if I can't get the picture? -Well, then you can still be...

...the official NO MA'AM bottle opener.

Okay. Come here.

Bud, the girls on the bus were laughing with you, not at you.

Kelly, I asked you to rent me a costume so I could pass as a wrestler...

...not one of the Chuck E. Cheese players.

Bud, it's Halloween.

It was either this or Pocahontas.

Frankly, I don't think you have the cleavage for it.

-Hi. -Hey.

Oh, let me guess.

Beauty...

...and the flea, right?

That's close, work release.

Listen.

I'm a wrestler known as...

...the Bumble Bee.

I don't see no insects on tonight's card.

Well, that's because--

You see, I'm a backup wrestler.

So in case any of the regular wrestlers can't perform their duties, then I--

He duties for them.

Kelly, that's him.

I need to get a picture with him to get into NO MA'AM.

-Yo, Kong, how they clanging, man? -I'm mad.

I'm madder than ma-- I'm freaking bananas.

Captain Ecology just backed out of our match.

That sissy mary said:

"It's cloudy and my solar car won't start."

Excuse me, sir.

I was wondering if I could get a picture with you?

It would mean a lot to my brain-dead father.

Sure, kid. I do a lot of work on behalf of the stupid.

Just say, Cheez Doodles.

Cheez Doodle--

Wait a minute. I have an idea.

Now, since my brother here is the backup wrestler...

...he could take the place of Captain Proctology.

You know? She's right.

You can fight the Bumble Bee.

Everyone would be happy.

Everyone?

This is a man's world

This is a man's world

But it wouldn't mean nothing

Nothing

Without a woman or a girl

Men, tonight, while our wives are out trick-or-treating...

...dressed as large, ugly women and a chicken...

...we will be watching in color, on a full size TV...

...Wrestle Palooza.

Have we got our manly snacks for tonight?

Well, all we have left are the pretzels Bob Rooney sucked all the salt off of.

Come on. Hey, hey.

What are we going to eat tonight, then?

Trick or treat.

By God, for you kids had a pretty darn good night, didn't you?

Don't we look scary?

No. This is scary.

I love Halloween.

You should. Your head is shaped like a pumpkin.

Focus. Focus. Gentlemen, focus.

Now.

Let us chew...

...and view.

This is a man's world

Well, we must have gone back in time because I'm experiencing déjà moo.

We are watching the rebroadcast of Old Man Older Woman.

So much of CBS' audience fell asleep, they're showing it again.

Only this time they are airing it earlier and louder.

Forget it. We're watching wrestling.

We went through too much trouble to get snacks to let them waste.

Listen...

...jerk-o'-lantern.

Wrestling appeals to the dregs of American society.

We women, however, appreciate meaningful, uplifting entertainment.

Oh, my God, look at that wrestler.

I'd love to pin him to the mat.

Now, that is a real man.

Not some high school football hero who got married and turned to mush.

Well, I guess it's true what they say, you are what you marry.

That would make me a hoe.

Silence. Silence.

The king is entering the ring.

Oh, there's just something so sexy...

...about a big, oily man in a sparkly cape.

My Ike felt that way about Elvis before he died.

He's alive I tell you.

-Alive, I say! -Take it easy, Ike.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Jimmy Lennon Jr. and welcome...

...to the special Halloween edition of Wrestle Palooza...

...where tonight's wrestlers have costumes under their costumes.

Next main event features the most feared man on Earth.

Introducing King Kong Bundy.

And tonight's challenger hailing from parts unknown...

...the Bumble Bee.

And here are their gorgeous valets...

...Anytime and Honey.

-No, it's mine. -I saw it first.

You boys understand the rules, right?

Yeah. I just--

I just have one thing to say.

Please don't kill me, man.

Please, please.

Don't worry, kid, you help me out. I'll go easy on you.

It's amazing. It's astounding.

Look at the heinie on that Honey.

Oh, in the ring King Kong Bundy is down.

One, two--

That's what I get for trying to take it easy on you.

I expect that kind of chicanery from the Fighting Florist.

But I assumed from your valet...

...you're the kind of guy that liked girls.

-I do. -Then prepare to become one.

Oh, God!

Wow, this is cool.

King Kong is twisting off the Bumble Bee's stinger.

That's not his stinger.

Oh, girls, it's 7:00.

It's time to switch to Old Man Older Woman.

Are you insane? And miss a televised "Bobbitizing"?

Peg, you want to grab my whatchamacallit?

Al, there's a lot of people around.

Okay.

No.

I meant this whatchamacallit, you cherry Blow Pop.

Looks like the Bumble Bee is making his move.

Kelly. Help Me. Kelly.

You're a bee, fly.

That's it, Bud.

Mom.

Oh, this is so much fun.

I think the Bumble Bee is dead.

Oh, Bob Rooney, you know what all this grunting and sweating...

...and screaming reminds me of?

Thanksgiving dinner at your mother's?

I was thinking of what we do after dinner...

...you big turkey baster, you.

Jefferson...

...do you know what these sweaty men in tight spandex remind me of?

Thanksgiving dinner at your father's?

Well, yes.

But also--

Oh, Ike...

...can little Elvis come out and play?

You know, Al...

...watching all this wrestling...

...reminds me of something I haven't had in a long time.

What? Body slam?

Call it what you'd like.

I know I'm standing, yet I feel like I'm in a warm bath.

Hey. Listen, Bud.

Try and get closer to King Kong...

...so I can get you both in the picture. Okay?

-Okay. -Okay.

Where did he go?

Bye-bye.

-One, two, three-- -Five.

--four, five.

And the winner of the match...

...King Kong Bundy.

Okay, smile.

Come on, my little Bumble Bee, show me some teeth.

Good.

Dad?

Oh, good, you're out of the coma.

Where am I?

Is she gone? Is it over?

Yes, Dad.

Now save your strength.

The important thing is...

...I got my picture with King Kong Bundy.

So now I'm in NO MA'AM, right?

No, son. We don't watch wrestling anymore.

See, we learned tonight...

...that wrestling on TV leads to wrestling at home.

And that ultimately leads to sex with the wife.

So now NO MA'AM stands for...

...Numb Old Men Anxiously Awaiting Morticians.

So all this was a waste of time?

Well for you, maybe.

This was the best meal I've had at home in years.

This is a T-bone, mashed-potato drip going in this arm, baby.

That's eating.

Hey, son...

...are you gonna finish yours?