Original subtitles

All right, Griff, get your horse back in the gate.

Is my fly open again?

I'm talking about your shoe horse, you big Airedale.

The blubber-aerobics class next door is getting ready to start...

-...in a couple of seconds. -All right.

So, what we got riding on this one, big Al?

Loser gets to use the bathroom last.

Stinky seconds?

You bet.

Let's rock.

Three, two, one...

-...and they're off. -Come on, Seattle Shoe.

-Go, Knockout, go. -Come on, Seattle Shoe.

-Come on, Knockout. -Come on, Seattle Shoe.

-Yeah. Come on. -Papa needs a new pair--

-What happened? -Well, the hungry hippos over there...

...worked out for a whole seven seconds.

It's probably time for a cheese break.

How are we gonna settle this race now?

I got an idea.

Free jerk chicken at the food court, man.

I won! I won!

I win.

I won the Shoetucky Derby.

But I was ahead.

Did you cheat?

Is this the face of a cheater?

Am I gonna have to check that surveillance camera again?

All right. I cheated.

And I ate your lunch.

Drank your vanilla shake.

Al, that was Kaopectate.

Still the best lunch I've had in years.

Oh, will you look at those karate cows hoofing it over to self-defense class?

Or, as they call it, tae kwon doughnut.

Can you believe Gary's charging 250 bucks for that class?

It's still less than a dollar a pound.

What a stupid waste of money.

Hey, speaking of waste of money.

Al, I need $250.

You're not taking that self-defense class, are you?

No. I'm buying you a very special gift.

Of course I'm taking the self-defense class.

Marcie already signed me up.

Peg, I'm not wasting my money like I wasted my youth, on you.

Self-defense is not a waste of money.

We live in a bad neighborhood.

Peg, you live on the couch.

The only danger you face...

...is getting your head stuck in a Häagen-Dazs carton.

Peg, let's face it, evolution has only equipped you women...

...made you strong enough, to roll out of bed in the morning...

...squeeze yourself into a girdle, ooze down the stairs...

...and fry your man up a Pop-Tart.

Peg, the truth is no woman could ever take a man.

You'd back me up on that, wouldn't you, Hans?

You see, Peg...

...we men are bigger...

...we're stronger, we're tougher...

...we're--

Dead meat.

A FEW WEEKS LATER

Al, guess what?

You got your black belt in nag fu.

Marcie and I have been promoted to the advanced self-defense class.

Aren't you happy for me?

Do I look like a happy man?

You don't even look like a happy tree stump.

I'm gonna go outside and practice my kicks with Marcie.

Look, this self-defense class of yours is taking up way too much...

...of your time and my paycheck.

I haven't been able to find my left shoe in three days.

Now, as the breadwinner and king of my castle, I demand--

To be left alone.

Good. Where's the shoe?

Dad, if you're looking for a place to stick your head, I suggest the oven.

I'm looking for my shoe.

It's a good thing we have Lucky.

-Maybe he can track it down for you. -Yeah.

Let me get this old shoe out of his mouth...

...and he'll be ready for action.

Oh, pumpkin, that's my shoe.

Oh, Lucky, you found it right away.

Good boy.

Now we know he can chew. Maybe next time he'll go for my throat.

Oh, no, thanks. I don't eat pork.

Dad, you look sad. What is it?

-It's your mother. -What'd she do?

Well, the trouble started this morning when I woke up...

...and so did she. You know how much I hate that.

I think I know what it is, Daddy.

You're just feeling lonely...

...because ever since Mom started taking her class...

...she hasn't paid you any attention.

Isn't that it, you big galoot?

No, I like that part. I also like the part she's too tired at night...

...to wanna fool around.

I do kind of miss her calling me bullet head, though.

Look, Daddy, a little lesson in women: All Mom wants is just a little tenderness.

If you really want Mom to stop taking karate, you gotta take her out.

Well, don't you think I would if I thought I could get away with it?

Dad, I think she means, you know, take her out on a date...

-Yeah. -...and show her some affection.

Romantic movies always work for me.

A Happy Meal and a Hello Kitty pen set works for you, Kelly.

Look, why don't you take Mom to go see The Bridges Of Madison County.

Now, I heard there's a new director's cut with 11 extra minutes...

...of Clint Eastwood sponge-bathing Meryl Streep.

Is there no other way?

Well, you could make love to her all night.

Well, either way, I'll be eating Junior Mints and crying in the dark.

All right. Bridges of Madison County it is.

Oh, that was so much fun.

Thanks for being such a good sport, Jefferson.

No problem.

You know, just between you and me...

...these workouts are starting to turn me on.

-So, what do you say? -I say I need a flashlight.

I think some of my equipment rolled under the house.

This is Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardenal...

...reporting to you live at the premiere of The Bridges of Madison County...

...The Director's Cut.

As you can see, the re-release of this movie...

...has generated unbelievable excitement.

I'm unbelievably excited, you know....

FINAL EXIT

Oh, Al, isn't this romantic?

Finally you're taking me to a movie that doesn't have the words "Debbie"...

...or "does" in the title.

I just can't figure out why you insisted on taking me the night of my class.

Pookie, tomorrow I may not be in the mood to see Meryl and Clint...

...playing Hide the Loofa in the bathtub.

Oh, my God, I'm in line to watch Meryl Streep strip.

No bloody way.

Yeah, sure, go ahead, take the easy way out.

I just hope I don't fall behind in class.

Today was nunchak-to-the-nads day.

Don't you understand, Peg?

This women's self-defense is against nature.

Take the mighty wildebeest, for example.

He hunts while the wildebeests just stays on her couch...

...watching the Oprah-beestess.

Then there's the ant. She just sits there all day and lays eggs...

...while the male is off dragging those heavy Budweiser bottles...

...down that anthill.

-I'll give you another example-- -Hey.

This is the bravest thing this reporter has seen...

...since Bill said, "Hillary, I beg to differ."

This courageous woman cold-cocked this low-life mugger...

...without any help whatsoever...

...from the weasely man who dares to call himself her husband.

DAILY TRIBUNE

CHOP-SOCKY MAMA SAVES WUSSY-HUBBY'S WALLET!!

Well, you got to admit, it's pithy.

Jefferson, don't you understand the problem?

If this gets around town, people are gonna start thinking I'm a nerd.

Well, technically, Al, you're not smart enough to be a nerd.

No, no, you're more of a pantywaist...

...or a limp-wristed sissy boy.

Horse feathers, Jefferson. I could have taken that mugger. I just--

I didn't have time to react.

Hey, I believe you, buddy. It's the rest of Chicago...

...that thinks Al is short for Alice.

You gotta understand, when I felt that hairy hand go in my pocket...

...I naturally assumed it was Peg.

Don't worry, Al. It was just a little mugging.

I mean, how much more press could it possibly get?

Great news, Al.

Good Morning, Chicago wants to do an interview.

Fine. I'd like to set the record straight. I am no wimp.

Could a wimp score four touchdowns in one game?

Was that Pee Wee football or Powderpuff?

I'm sorry. We're here to interview your wife.

Would you be a doll and brew us up some coffee?

And feel free to make some herbal tea for yourself.

All right. Come on, Al.

Hey. Hey, I think I know how to put an end to all of this.

Well, if you've got the tailpipe, I've got the lips.

Let's assume for the sake of argument that you are stronger than Peggy.

I am stronger, damn it!

Well, you know that and I'm willing to play along.

-But you have to prove it to the public. -You want me to fight Peg on TV?

-Love it. -No.

No. No. You gotta fight someone else.

But can I still fight Peg?

No, Al. Look, we have to stage a fight even you can win.

Okay. Look. I have this stuntman friend.

His name is Thunder, okay? You go to this bar, he comes up.

-He insults Peggy. -And I buy him a drink?

Later. First, you hit him with your best shot. He pretends to be hurt.

He falls down. You're out of the Michael Bolton fan club.

That's a good idea.

That's a good idea. And I can have Bud come in...

-...and video the thing. -Yeah.

Then I'll fight Peg.

That will work, but how can I recognize your buddy?

Oh, well, Thunder has a goatee, wears a bandana...

...and he reeks of that cologne, Obsession for Men.

Excuse me.

You may go.

Al, I thought you were taking me out for a nice, romantic dinner.

We are, Peg. I just wanna...

...soak up the atmosphere here.

Obsession for Men?

Well, I experimented a little in college, but it was just a phase.

Honey, I wanna go freshen up. You think the ladies' room is free?

It's free.

Dad, can we get this thing over with?

It's kind of sleazy in here and, frankly, it's a little scary.

I don't wanna be in here anymore than you do.

What kind of low-life loser would voluntarily come in a dump like this?

Oh, this isn't the library.

We must be in the wrong place, study buddy.

I thought we were gonna get hammered and do it on the "Pac-Man."

But that book must be checked out.

Why don't we go to the other library down the street?

The one with the Jell-O shots? Cool.

Well, she's moving on up. She used to only date senators.

Bud, here comes your mother. Go hide.

How am I gonna know when to start?

When I say to this guy, Thunder, "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do."

Hey, Al, how come on the wall next to the pay phone...

...it says, for a good time, call our house?

Beats me. I never had a good time there.

What will you have?

Did you call my wife an ugly, useless, lazy, Oprah-watching...

...bonbon-eating couch loafer?

No, I said, "What will you have?"

One of your finest beers. Nothing for the wife.

You're cute.

Wanna ride a hog?

-Well, all right, then. -No, no, no. Mommy, daddy!

Al, what are you doing?

You take me out at night and sniff other men?

I'm not sniffing them, Peg.

It's a male thing. Shows dominance in the territory.

Well, you're not gonna lift your leg on a chair, are you?

I'm Thunder. Sorry I'm late.

Your wife.

Your wife's a tacky, chocolate-snarfing, couch-butted...

...beehive-headed parasite.

No one calls my wife a tacky, chocolate-snarfing, couch-butted...

...beehive-headed parasite who snores louder than a logging mill.

Al, he didn't say that.

No, but he was gonna say it if I hadn't stopped him.

-So, what are you gonna do about it? -What am I gonna do about it?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do about it.

Oh, no, please don't. You're hurting me!

I said, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do about it, Bud!

-Okay, Dad. -Now...

...would you mind repeating what you just said to my wife.

Well, I forgot.

-A chocolate-snarfing-- -Oh, yeah, yeah.

A couch-butted, beehive-headed parasite.

All right?

You asked for this, pal.

One...

...two--

Three.

I got it. Good night.

DAILY TRIBUNE

WOMAN SAVES SHOE WEENIE AGAIN

You ever think about just getting a perm?

And selling Mary Kay cosmetics?

They give you a pink car.

Tell me, Mrs. Bundy, has your husband always been more Lois than Clark?

Now, look here, Miranda.

If you really want some film at 11...

...why don't you follow me down to the brewery.

I'll tie a bowling ball to my ankle, dive in a vat of beer.

I'll leave this world the same way I entered my marriage, dead drunk.

Hey, I thought you said I could have your bowling ball when you die.

-Don't you push it, Jefferson. -Hey, come on.

-Daddy? -You wanna kick me while I'm down?

No, that's Mom's job.

Now, you remember Genghis from the library, right?

Okay, go ahead Gengie.

Mr. Bundy...

...would you give me your hand in daughter marriage?

You know, Genghis, your timing couldn't be better.

You wanna do me a favor, son?

You wanna say what you just said to me in front of the camera here?

Sure, Dad.

Hey, and better still, hold my wallet.

Cool.

-Call my wife an idiot. -Okay.

Mrs. Bundy...

...you're an idiot.

That's good.