Original subtitles

- Smells like betrayal in here.

[tense music]

- Okay, let me backtrack for a second here.

So we now think your father is the Architect,

and we're basing that on information

we got from one of your farts?

- Looks like someone's finally playing chess.

Think about it. Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

From birth, that simple axiom is drilled into our heads,

and for good reason.

It's never wrong.

See, when one farts,

they always blame it on someone else,

but studies show that in 100% of the cases,

that fart actually came from inside of them,

the initial fart detector.

It's the most classic con in the book,

but if you somehow figure out who smelt it,

then you will, without fail...

Find the dealer.

- Right.

- No entry my ass.

Shit. - Are you sure about this?

- Vicki, people lie. Buttholes don't.

[yells]

- See, the Architect had to be someone with access to Queeth,

ties to the military, and a score to settle.

So when my father farted Kernst's name at me,

it made sense.

I mean, Kernst ticked all the right boxes,

but my father overplayed his hand.

He smelled it too hard,

and that's how I knew he dealt it.

- Science.

[hollow thud]

- Cowabunga.

Six, nine, six, nine, six, nine.

[keypad beeps]

Like father, like son of father.

[suspenseful music]

♪

Good God.

This whole time, it was right under my fucking schnozz.

- I'm gonna hop on your dad's computer

and see if I can find anything on this flash drive.

- Heavens to Henry.

He has counterfeit passports and currency

for, like, every country in the world.

- Oh, my God.

Ecuador was just the beginning.

- Haven't seen these many pins

since I read that book about ATM machines.

He's gonna hit, like, everywhere.

Why? Why is he doing this?

- I don't know, Vick, but we have to stop him.

- Guys, I think I got something.

His computer's automatically decrypting the files.

Any of this mean anything to you?

- There, there.

- Havencroft?

- We need to move.

- Where the hell are we going?

- MacGruber Country.

♪

[dramatic music]

♪

- ♪ MacGruber

[fire crackles]

[suspenseful music]

♪

- Black River Valley.

My father's down there. I can feel it.

- Gruber, are you sure you want to do this?

- You mean, am I sure I want to confront

the man I've worshipped my entire life

and battle him to the death?

Most likely, my death?

Am I sure I want the love of my life to watch me die

and void my bowels into my Wrangler denim jeans?

No, Vicki, I'm not sure,

but I don't really have a choice now, do I?

But you do.

- What? What do you mean?

- I can't let you do this. This is my fight.

- Oh, MacGruber, we're in this together.

- No, I can't let you two risk your lives

because of my fucked up dad.

This is a family affair.

- MacGruber, I can't believe I'm saying this,

but the three of us are kind of like a family.

[heartfelt music]

- Checkers is right.

- I never really thought about it like that.

That's really nice.

Hell, my family's been broken so long,

I almost forgot what it's like to have a real family.

But because of you two, I remember again.

So thanks.

- You're welcome.

- Here's another thing I can't believe I'm saying.

Bring it in.

- Are you pranking me?

Are you gonna pull your arms back?

Checkers?

♪

- Fucking family. There's nothing like it.

Now let's go kill my father.

- Welcome to Havencroft.

Our fucking summer home.

- Wait, so you were a rich kid? - Nice try.

I assure you this place is very modest.

Okay, now, let's split up.

Vicki, you check out the vineyard.

Checkers, you start in the antiquities hall,

and I'll take the servants' ballroom.

[Sophie Tucker's "He Hadn't Up Till Yesterday" playing]

[soft jazz music]

♪

- ♪ There's a boy I'm crazy about ♪

♪ And I know he's wild about me ♪

♪ At the love stuff he's not a real chic man ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm the roaring lion ♪

♪ He's the poor weak lamb

♪ Has he squeezed me? No

- What the fuck?

♪ Has he told me tales of France ♪

♪ Has he ever kissed me unawares ♪

♪ And whispered "Honey, take a chance" ♪

♪ Well--

[music distorts, stops]

[music distorts, resumes]

♪ Never called for his mother ♪

♪ Then I guess he will tonight ♪

[tense music]

♪

- Got some kind of fiber optic setup here.

I'm gonna see where it leads.

- Copy that, Piper. Follow your nose.

Wait.

Think I just saw something.

I'm gonna go check it out. Set stunners to phase.

- All right, be careful, Vicki.

And, guys, just remember, we need to fly under the radar.

Now, let me know if either of you guys

need any pointers on how to do that.

- Master MacGruber.

Your presence is requested in the dining room.

This way.

- After you, tough guy.

- I'm afraid I'll be needing your communication device

and your gun.

- Hmm. Well, how about this?

Why don't you roll the fucking dice

and try taking it from me? [yelps]

[choking] Ow.

[coughing]

As I said, I will go first.

- Freeze! Federal agent!

Well, sort of.

Technically, I'm not one now, but I was one.

So freeze!

I want you to turn around very slowly.

- Hello, Vicki.

- Bex? I thought you were dead.

- No.

Just very badly burned.

- Ooh, oh.

Um, I mean, I can hardly tell. [chuckles]

I mean, maybe I can see a little bit of burnt-ness

on the top part of your face.

And maybe, now that I'm looking,

it's a little burned down here, but other than those two spots,

and maybe a couple others,

you can't really tell that you're horribly disfigured.

- Fuck you. - Don't even think about it.

You move one muscle,

and your head will suffer the same fate

as that vase over there.

[gunshots]

Ha!

So what'll it be?

[dramatic music]

♪

Ahh!

[screaming]

Did I get you? Be honest.

Uh-oh.

[tense music]

♪

- Son.

You made it.

Have a seat.

Please, eat.

- No, I'm not hungry, but maybe that's because

I've been fed a steady diet of bullshit my entire life.

- Aww. When have I ever lied to you?

[thunder crashes]

Forgive me.

The inclement weather is wreaking havoc

on our local power grid.

I hope you're not still afraid of the dark.

- Ha! Afraid of the fucking dark.

You wish.

So, Mr. The Architect.

You knew I was coming.

- Of course.

You were instrumental to my plan.

So I planted a tracking device in your widdle teddy bear.

- I don't have a teddy bear, idiot.

- But don't you?

♪

[tracker beeping]

- How do you think Queeth followed you

to your little hiding place?

I see you haven't lost your taste for boogers.

- You son of a bitch.

- I've been watching you this whole time.

Yeah, I've been watching you your whole life, MacGruber.

Ever since you were a tiny, ugly, stupid little baby.

[thunder crashes]

- Holy shit.

Guys, I think I found the uplink

he's gonna use to trigger the poison.

[grunts]

[groans]

- Hello, Dixon.

- Baker Jaxx.

- No, the Grim Reaper.

♪

- So let's cut to the chase. What's your play here?

- To create a new world, of course.

From the ashes of the old.

The earth's resources certainly can't support everyone

on the planet, but they can support,

say, me and a bunch of Russian business guys.

So there needs to be a little thinning of the herd.

And in return, I get a bunch of money and shit.

Can you believe it?

I'm gonna be some kind of fucking oligarch.

- You sick bastard.

- Cheers.

- Hey, remember earlier?

When I said that thing about your face burns?

I lied. Totally noticeable.

[balloon pops]

Where's her gun?

- How long have you been planning all this?

- Decades.

Every beautiful detail laid out like the gears on a clock.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, but it'll all be worth it

when we bring in the New Year with a big fucking bang.

- So you're gonna kill millions of people--

- Billions.

- Billions, and you're okay with that?

- It's an important cause.

- So important that you're willing

to sacrifice your own son.

- I was willing to sacrifice your mother, wasn't I?

- What?

- Unfortunately, your mother found out about my little plan,

and she just would not shut up about it.

So she had to be dealt with accordingly.

- You killed Mom?

- Oh, yeah, and you watched me do it.

But you were so young at the time

that somehow, I was able to convince you

that you didn't see what you saw.

I told you it was Queeth, and your little brain

ate that shit up like a fucking pot roast.

[smacks lips]

You were such a dumb little kid and so annoying.

Heck, in a way, you inspired this whole thing.

The minute you were born

just kind of put me into a funk.

Well, you've got a lot of think about.

And I do have a button to press.

So I guess I'll be on my way.

- Like hell you will! Ahh!

[screaming]

Where'd you go, you coward!

♪

- It's a lot like baseball, if you think about it.

[yells]

[laughs]

Strike one.

[yells]

Strike two.

[yells]

- Ahh, motherfucker!

- Base hit! Yeah! The crowd goes wild.

[imitates crowd yelling]

Whoo! [yells]

[soft music box playing]

♪

- What's that song?

- It's whatever you want it to be.

♪ MacGruber

♪ He's such a little lovey and I'm proud to be his mommy ♪

♪ MacGruber, he is the best son ever ♪

♪ And I love him to pieces

♪ MacGruber, I'll never ever leave him ♪

♪ MacGruber

[tense music]

♪

- Daddy?

- Never cared much for that song.

Welcome to the nerve center, MacGruber.

- Love what you've done with the place.

Although, I think I might change the wall color.

Maybe put some big splotches of red

right behind where your brain is.

- [chuckles]

Can you believe this little panel here

can cause so much destruction?

Just one little press of this button, and poof.

Billions dead.

- You can save your breath, Dad.

'Cause I will never ever join your little evil plan.

- No one's asking you to, you fucking dode.

- How dare you!

- What do you say we get this party started?

- Countdown activated.

♪

- Just so you know, I can throw my voice.

So if you think you have my location locked down,

you're probably wrong,

'cause you probably think I'm standing right here...

[in silly voice] But maybe I'm standing over here.

[in gruff voice] Or maybe over here.

[in high-pitched voice] I could be standing over here.

[balloon pops]

[empty chamber clicking]

♪

- Okay, now I'm pissed.

Fucked up my leg and my new cargos.

- Call it even?

- You wish.

You see, Lon was like a brother to me.

You killed my fucking family.

After I kill you, I'm gonna kill your fucking family.

Then we're even.

You just had a little baby, right?

- [groans]

- You don't have to do this.

- Oh, but I do.

- You know that means I have to kill you.

- Now, now.

You know what happens

when little boys are rude to their daddies.

- What's that?

[groans]

- They get a time-out.

- Fuck you, Dad! Ah!

- Watch your language.

♪

- Oh, Vicki. I think I found you.

- [in silly voice] Uh, no you didn't.

- No, I think I did.

Goodbye, Vicki.

- Ow! Ow! Ow!

♪

- Told you I could throw my voice.

Now let me show you how to throw yours.

Eww!

[balloon squeaking] Eww.

♪

- Oh, you're on your feet.

- Yeah.

I thought it'd be a better way to kill you.

- How you gonna do that?

- Well, actually I had a pretty complicated plan.

Lots of moves and countermoves,

and I thought why not just keep it simple

and talk shit about that piece of shit brother of yours?

Get you so bent out of shape that you start making mistakes.

Use your own weapon to cut your head off.

- [chuckles]

Yeah. Like that would ever work.

- I don't know, you seem pretty dumb.

- What? - But Lon seemed even dumber.

- Fuck you! [yell]

- Checksmate.

Sorry about your pants.

- Two minutes remaining.

♪

- I'll rip your fucking throat out

and shove it down your throat.

- Can't do it, can you? What a surprise.

But then again, you and I never were much alike.

I was always a breast man. You were way more into butts.

I'm gonna give you a choice, son.

You can either die now,

or I can let you live just long enough

to see the end of the world as we know it.

- Oh, you'd do that for me? - Ah, you're family.

- You wish.

You have no idea what a family is.

- Aw, that hurts my feelings. - Aww, I'm sorry.

- Now, hopefully, this hurts yours.

- No!

- Oh, Vicki. Hi.

Did you get to see me shoot MacGruber in the heart?

- MacGruber! No, no, no.

MacGruber. MacGruber! MacGruber, can you hear me?

Don't go towards the lights. Stay in the dark.

Whatever you do. Just stay in the dark!

[sentimental music]

♪

- Casey?

- Do you feel it, MacGruber?

- Oh, my God.

It's like I have a thousand penises,

and they're all shooting at the same time.

- That's what it feels like for women too.

Like we have a thousand penises.

Now, come to me. Come to the light.

- But I can't leave Vicki.

- That's not your choice to make.

When it's time, it's time.

- Mommy, I'm coming home.

♪

- You killed him. You killed your own son!

- Well, as a parent, you can't be afraid to discipline.

- 60 seconds to worldwide destruction.

- You're a monster,

and I am gonna tear you a new butthole!

- Isn't it a little soon to be getting intimate

with another guy?

Let alone his dad?

Kinky.

- I wouldn't get intimate with you

for all the Jelly Bellies in the world.

- Your loss.

- Go ahead. Shoot me.

I would rather be dead than live in a world

without MacGruber.

- Ah, the lady means business.

- Oh, yeah, you bet I do, because you just killed

the greatest living man to ever walk this earth.

- If you're dumb enough to believe that,

then you two really were meant for each other.

- You could say that

we were like two peas in a pod.

Bangers and mash.

Brooks & Dunn. Jack and the Box.

- Ten seconds.

We were so locked into a rhythm.

- Seven.

It was almost like we could

read each other's minds.

[dramatic music]

♪

[MacGruber yelling]

- No!

- Sequence terminated.

- MacGruber, we did it.

- [laughs]

We sure did.

- Where did you get a rocket launcher?

- I got it from my brother.

- You have a brother?

- He does now.

[triumphant music]

♪

[laughter]

- For distinguished service to the country and the world,

we salute Lieutenant Colonel Dixon Piper,

MacGruber,

and Vicki St. Elmo MacGruber Fasoose MacGruber.

[applause]

[victorious music]

- [mouths word]

Get in here.

♪

So then I shot a rocket-propelled RPG

straight through Vicki's legs right into my dad's face,

and it was just dad chunks for days.

- I think I'm gonna go put her down.

- But hurry back.

I got a primo story about rippin' a dude's nose off

and then stabbin' him through the brain.

- Hey, wait a second.

How the hell did you survive

a gunshot point blank in the chest?

- That, my friend, was all Vicki.

- Wow. What is that?

- That's a locket with Vicki's pubic hair in it.

- Huh? - Yeah.

- He literally dodged a bullet.

- By the thinnest of hairs,

but there are some fake ones in there too.

- Thanks.

- Hey, Pipe, I'm gonna go grab another Molson.

You want one? - You know it, Grubes.

- You got it.

- My locket has his pubic hair. Wanna see?

- Peekaboo.

- Oh, my God. Mom.

- Hello, MacGruber.

Hey, know why Molson is my favorite beer?

- Why?

- Because it has the word "son" inside of it.

- [laughs] Oh, you.

Well, then you'll love Vicki,

because she also has your son inside of her.

I mean, not right now.

- [laughs] Oh, MacGruber.

I've missed you so.

- I've missed you so.

But someday, we'll be together again.

- Not for a while, because you're about to go

on the most important mission of your life.

- What do you mean? What--

Mom. Mom? Mom!

- Ah, I love it, especially when

one little hair peeks out.

It's like he's tickling me.

- Ah, here you go, brother. - Thanks, Grubes.

- Hard lemonade, Vick?

- Oh, no thanks.

- I can't believe what I'm hearing here.

This one's usually loves lemonade with vodka in it.

What gives, Vick? Pussy.

- What gives is,

I'm pregnant.

- Oh, my God. - What?

- Congratulations. - What?

- I can't--oh, my!

- A little Gruber.

[sentimental music]

- And the fatherless becomes the fatherer.

Hey, you guys, let's all go celebrate and dance!

- Yeah! - Whoo-hoo.

- ♪ I got a good job I work hard for my money ♪

♪ When it's quittin' time I hit the door, honey ♪

♪ I fire up my pickup truck

♪ And let the horses run

[Brooks & Dunn's "Boot Scootin' Boogie"]

♪ I go flyin' down that highway ♪

♪ To that hide-a-way stuck out in the woods ♪

♪ To do the boot scootin' boogie ♪

♪ Yeah, heel, toe, do-si-do,

♪ Come on baby let's go boot scootin' ♪

♪

♪ Oh, Cadillac, blackjack, baby meet me out back ♪

♪ We're gonna boogie

♪ Oh, get down, turn around, go to town ♪

♪ Boot scootin boogie

♪

♪ I said, get down turn around, go to town ♪

♪ Boot scootin' boogie

♪