Original subtitles

That's the point.

One square mile, three minutes.

Everything is dead.

Brimstone is fully functional.

Burn it.

♪ MacGruber

Well, someone was in a rush this morning.

You didn't even neatly make your side of the bed

while I was still sleeping like you usually do.

Big day.

I'm probably gonna be home late.

Oh, but it's Christmas Eve.

Oh, believe me, I would much rather

spend the day tracking down one of your famous

homemade cinnamon rolls.

Listen, I'm really sorry about everything

that I've put you through the last few days.

I promise I'll make it up to you.

I'm just so happy to have you home, honey.

Oh.

I have something for you.

Oh, wow.

This is great.

Did you make this?

No, I don't know how to do advanced metalwork.

If I had that kind of skill, I think you would know that.

Yeah.

Besides, it's not from me. It's actually from MacGruber.

- MacGruber? - He came by last night.

Only for a little bit, but I swear,

it's not a big deal. He was just--

I understand.

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Okay.

I got the feeling he was... saying goodbye.

Mm.

Anyway, he said that was his good luck charm,

and he really wanted you to have it.

And there's actually a story attached to it

that I would like to share with you now.

Uh-huh.

After the first night that we made love--

Hon, I just-- I should really get going.

Okay, well, I'll tell you the story next time.

- Okay. - Here, let me put it on you.

Okay.

Just FYI, there's something of mine inside.

- Oh. - Just don't open it

over a cup of coffee. Mm.

Sorry, his neck sweat

probably rusted the clasp a little bit...

oh, got it.

All right, thanks.

- Hey. - Yeah?

Is everything okay?

It's just this Queeth business.

It's just taken over my mind and...

Look, I've just gotta get through today

and everything should be different.

I mean, better.

All right, well, good luck, honey.

Thank you, Victoria.

Say...

after this is all over, what do you say we fly

down to Aruba, get out of here?

Second honeymoon.

Wipe the slate clean. Start fresh.

Yeah, I'd really like that.

Me too.

Me too.

Love you so goddamn much.

Oh, honey, you left your...

How did the test go, sir?

Well, it depends who you ask.

The cows were not a fan.

Merry Christmas to all...

and to all a good...

fuck!

Oh, don't worry, Queeth.

You'll get yours soon enough, I promise you that.

For my mother, for my father,

for justice and honor,

for the millions of p--

Oh, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck! Ah!

I got something here.

Oh, these blankets are so comfortable.

Wait, is somebody there? Is somebody there?

Look, I mean no harm.

Please, I have money. Don't hurt me.

Don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me,

you fucking piece of shit.

Ah!

Got your nose.

What the fuck?

Hey, got a joke for you.

What did the hunting knife say to your head?

Just passing through.

Now he has an all-terrain vehicle.

Got another ping from Southern Command.

They're requesting access to Delta files.

Approved.

Sir, you have a phone call. It's them.

- Get me a secure line, Major. - Yes, sir.

Enos Queeth, I presume?

Oh, no, General.

This is the ghost of Christmas future.

And the future is looking very bright indeed.

Oh, yeah, why is that?

Because you are about to pay me 50 billion dollars.

50 billion?

What are you planning?

Let's just say that tomorrow morning

Santa and his reindeer are going to deliver

the biggest present the world has ever seen.

And if we don't get that money,

that will just be the beginning.

You know damn well the United States government

does not negotiate with terrorists.

We'll see if you still feel that way

after tomorrow morning.

Damn it, Queeth, you listen to me!

Bye.

Santa's starting to get on my goddamn nerves.

Well, well, well, Queeth's got himself quite the army.

So we got two options.

Option A, we pack up our shit and throw in the towel.

Option B, we go down there and kill everything in sight.

What do you say, bud?

Looks like the nose have it.

Time to go make some widows.

Smells like Queeth in here.

All right.

Time to hand out the party favors.

Things that make you go boom.

Hope you weren't planning on not exploding tonight.

You can dish it out, but can you take it?

Ready to be part of throat rip history?

The ol' reverse throat rip,

the holy grail of throat rips.

And they said it couldn't be done.

But we did it, didn't we, you dead piece of fucking shit?

Ah.

Looks like our little barbecue's about to begin.

Hope you like your meat well-done.

Tonight, it begins!

Tonight, it ends.

20 years ago, we were exiled.

Spit out, left for dead.

We are the forgotten.

The discarded.

We're ghosts.

Tomorrow, the children of the world

will receive a very special present.

Not a sweater.

Not a Beanie Baby.

Not a shiny new trike.

No, this present is something far more interesting.

This present...

it melts faces.

It makes your eyes pour out of your sockets

like water.

It closes throats, it voids bowels.

Kills by the millions.

And it all could've been avoided.

The United States does not negotiate with patriots.

Well, fuck them.

They may have forgotten

the hell that they put us through.

But tomorrow,

they will remember our names.

To vengeance!

To vengeance.

Sir, there's a bogey approaching.

MacGruber.

Take him out. Fire!

Hold your fire!

Get back!

Find him!

God!

Damn it, fall back!

Fuck you, Queeth! Come and fucking get it.

Look likes we got a little rodent problem.

Where are you, MacGruber?

We know you're in here.

There's no escape, MacGruber!

Gonna find you.

Where the fuck are you, MacGruber?

Dick shot!

Oh, my fucking dick!

You shot me in the dick.

Don't worry, guys, I got this.

I know where you're hiding now, MacGruber.

No, you don't.

You know the best thing about this weapon?

It fires armor-piercing bullets.

Well, Queeth, as long as we're doing riddles,

I got one for you.

You know the best part about seeing your mother

get killed in front of your eyes?

What's that?

Nothing.

Drop your fucking piece. Okay, okay.

All right, just please--

please don't, just don't--don't shoot me.

Okay? Just please just don't shoot me.

I'm beg--I'm...

I'm--I'm--I'm begging you.

I'm begging you, please!

You--you--you bested me again.

Seeing you there on the ground, crying,

pleading, begging for your life

is such "Chicken Soup for the Soul."

I've been waiting to do this to you

since I was five fucking years old.

I got good news and I got bad news, bud.

The good news, not gonna shoot you with bullets.

And the bad news...

I'm gonna shoot you with fists.

Get on your feet, come on, let's dance!

Oh, what's so funny, huh?

You think about your favorite "Dilbert" quote?

Huh, you little fuckin' dumbass "Dilbert" fan?

Oh, no, I'm--

I'm--I'm laughing about this.

Mother fuck!

That's right, I had a second gun.

It's pretty funny, isn't it?

By the way...

I am a "Dilbert" fan.

Knew it. You suck so hard!

Goodbye, MacGruber.

General.

Hello, MacGruber.

Enos.

Just put the gun down.

Let's just talk about this for a minute.

I think the time for talking is over.

Think about what you are doing.

Ah!

Oh!

Oh, my God, General, you got here just in time.

Thank you so much!

You saved my life!

And look...

I owe you a huge apology.

I am so sorry.

- MacGruber-- - No, I need to say this.

I need to say this!

Look, I've called you so many nasty things

behind your back.

I've called you a dirty diaper

with arms, legs, and half a brain.

Yeah, I said that about you.

I called you a fucker, a fuckhead, fuckface.

I said you're a motherfucker, a dicknose, dickface, dickhead,

shiteater, shitmouth,

fuckin' tool, fuckin' asshole, fuckin' buttwipe,

shitdick, shittitty, tittydick,

a little bitch, piece of fuck, piece of shit.

And I'll put 'em together and call you

a piece of fucking titty-dick shit.

You know, I called you all that stuff.

But I was wrong.

'Cause you're not a piece of fuckin' shit.

You're a piece of fucking friend.

And I mean that.

Thank you, MacGruber, and now it's time for me

to apologize to you.

For what?

For this.

What the hell are you doing?

Just finishing up the job my dead colleague started.

Oh, you piece of fucking titty-dick shit!

So you're in on this too?

Let's just say Queeth and I

had a mutually beneficial relationship.

I helped him get you out of jail,

so he could get his hands on Brimstone,

and he gave me the one thing,

the one thing in this world, that I want most:

your death.

See, as long as you're alive,

Victoria will never be able to give me her whole heart.

And that is why I have to kill you.

Barrett, look, I got a news flash for ya.

Vicki married you. She adores you!

This is all just in your imagination.

Oh, it's in my imagination every time I caught her

looking through your wedding album?

Every time she shouted your name

when we were making love?

Don't you understand?

So this whole thing,

all the death, all the destruction,

it's all just for Vicki?

That's right, MacGruber.

I did it all for the nookie.

Vicki would be so disappointed.

Well, it's a good thing she's not gonna find out.

'Cause now that Queeth is dead,

there's only two people in the whole world

that know about this,

and one of them is about to die.

You sure about that, Barrett?

Victoria? What are you doing here?

Oh, I'd ask you the same thing

but I think I've heard enough.

Please, baby, I can explain.

Don't you "baby" me, baby!

You got it all wrong, baby.

No, you know what, I think for the first time

I got it all right.

When I told you MacGruber came by last night,

you didn't clench your fist

or snap a pencil like you usually do,

and that struck me as strange.

And then you happened to leave a classified dossier at home.

General Barrett Fasoose

doesn't normally make mistakes like that.

That's when I knew something was up.

So I followed the coordinates on your little map

and I ended up here.

And to think I trusted you with my heart, and my body...

and my song.

♪ And you betrayed my precious ♪

♪ Trust

♪ Let me make it up to you, baby ♪

All right, look, I did it all for you

and you want to throw it away on that?

"That?"

That is the most perfect man I have ever laid eyes on.

And yeah, sure, he's impetuous, brash,

hotheaded, conceited, selfish, thoughtless, reckless,

but he also has a major problem with impulse control.

But none of that matters.

'Cause he is by far the least endowed lover

I have ever had.

So yeah, he may be hung like a butterfly,

but he stings like a gnat.

Please, Victoria.

It's Vicki, Barrett!

Vicki Gloria Saint Elmo...

MacGruber.

Oh my stars, really?

If you'll have me.

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

Consider yourself divorced, you butthole.

Roundhouse!

Whew, whew!

You came for me.

MacGruber, I never left you.

Well, my love,

I think it might be time for a little R&R.

Oh, yes, I could use some rest and relaxation.

No.

The other R&R.

Ramming and rimming.

Oh, MacGruber.

♪ Joy to the world

♪ The Lord is come

♪ Let Earth receive her king

Oh, MacGruber!

Gonna go fast now! Gonna go fast now!

Oh, still got a little bit. It's going.

- What? - Oh, just a little bit more.

- Oh, I thought you were done. - It's transferring into you.

Ooh.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Oh. - Merry Christmas, Vicki.

Oh, MacGruber.

Open it.

My very own locket.

I thought we could fill it together.

Oh.

Give me your hand.

♪ Errant heat to the star ♪

♪ And the rain let in

♪ And the hawser rolls, the vessel's whole ♪

♪ And Christ, it's thin

♪ Well, I'd know that you'd offer ♪

♪ Would reveal it, though it's soft and flat ♪

♪ Won't repeat it, cull and coffers that ♪

♪ For the soffit, hang this homeward ♪

All the best to you, my love,

on this special hallowed day.

Your love is the greatest gift I've ever received.

And mine yours.

MacGruber.

Come here.

Oh, what a beautiful day.

Thanks to us, the world goes on.

Do you want me to go rustle us up some coffees?

That can be arranged.

♪ All the news at the door

♪ Such a revelry

They ran out of coffee, so I got you some apple ju--

MacGruber!

Oh, God.

Hey, just gotta do a teeny bit more cleanup

then I'm ready for round two.

I think you better see this.

I'm almost tempted to say that you better see this.

This is a major chemical weapon attack...

- Angle it over here! - In Quito, Ecuador,

home to over 2 million people

and right now, as you can see from this footage,

there are crowds of people

running from what appears to be

clouds of some sort of orange gas.

Oh...my...God.