Original subtitles

Hello, and welcome back to Dueling Pencils,

the only podcast where one story always has two sides.

Today, filling in for my usual co-host is Esmeralda Grand,

editor of TTT Online.

Thank you, Ned. Ciao, Toledo, I love you.

Today's topic is fragrances.

Are they a must or are they a bust?

Let's find out.

I say if I can smell you

before I can see you,

you're making a big mistake.

Same. Agree. Good point, Ned.

You're also welcome to offer a counterpoint.

Oh, I thought because they were both pencils...

No, they're dueling pencils.

Of course they're doodling, they're pencils.

Not doodling, dueling pencils.

-What's "dueling"? -Dueling is fighting.

Your people invented it.

Did you listen to the episodes that I sent you?

Or read the name of the podcast? It's on the mug.

Why not call it "Pen and Pencil"? Those are opposites.

Just disagree with me. I say, "Fragrances are bad."

-You say... -Fragrances are good

and you smell like shit.

I win. Next topic.

Welcome to Dueling Pencils. My usual co-host is out today,

so I am joined by local radio legend, Salty Peanuts.

It's Salty Peanuts, WBRT, the Bert.

We're not on that right now.

Fragrances is the topic of the day,

and Salty, I don't like 'em.

Yeah, fragrances, you know what, fragrances and rights.

Women have too many of both of them, eh?

These opinions, by the way, are mine alone,

and are not shared by WBRT, the Bert.

-You're an awful person. -I know.

I know.

Welcome to Dueling Pencil.

I am your host Ned Sampson,

fragrances.

Listener, I don't like 'em. But also, I get it.

I haven't felt great the last two weeks.

I'm not sure what it is.

Might be connected to the flu shot

that Ann made us all get to protect Marv.

I mean, I'll feel bad if that's what it is

because it seems kind of anti-vaxx.

My body is usually very pro-science.

A parasite from the cat that I got

to make my apartment feel less lonely.

That's been the worst part, though.

Everyone in the office finding out about me and Mare

at the same time we broke up.

-How long have you been there? -As long as you need me.

-You're gonna get through this. -Father God,

I just commit Ned Sampson in your hands.

No. I'm not praying for him.

He just patted me on the back yesterday,

and I hate that, so this is payback.

Okay. You're good. And you will get through this.

You are strong.

Yeah, the rumors died down. Which is nice.

Except for the Joe Burrow one, but I don't really mind that.

It's been okay.

Yeah, I talked to Ned a week ago?

Week and a half?

Um...

So I've been working with Todd

on this big investigative story that should be front page,

so it's kind of hard to think about anything else.

You know, I think it's for the best.

Things were just getting so weird.

Ooh! Look at you

handing off files like a little badass.

It's just paperwork.

I bet you could lift so much paper.

It's 8:45 in the morning.

I'm so bad.

Detrick.

I see. Everyone sees.

These last couple of weeks have been incredible.

Ned and I, we've been going really hard

on this Glass Club railing story.

Oh, yeah, Detrick's kicking butt.

We show the final draft to the lawyers today

and then it hits the stands.

Turns out, Desmond Sandoval was serving tables

on the day of the tornado.

But it wasn't a tornado or murder that got him.

A gust of wind grabbed a napkin from his tray,

threw it off the roof.

He chased it and fell...

because the railing was too low.

Ned said it was better than murder.

He said it was pervasive bribery

in the City Building Inspection Department.

And that's our story.

Okay, stop it. Stop it.

Nicole. Everything okay?

Mm-hmm!

I don't know who New Cole is...

Phew...

But she is a contender.

I recently started a relationship

with one of the wealthiest

and most powerful men in Toledo, Dustin Bonacker.

It's not romantic yet.

And so the hours are from 7 p.m. to midnight,

turning down his bed, giving him a bath.

And the best part is that I can bring Matteo.

And he has a nice, quiet place

where he can have dinner

and do his homework in the laundry room.

-Hey. -Hey.

Can we talk about what happened during the tornado?

-Sorry. Sorry. -It's okay.

It's okay. It's okay.

I don't think we need to talk about it.

-Like never...? -I don't think we ever

need to talk about it.

-Never. -Never.

-Okay. All right. -Okay then. Mm-hmm.

Shit.

That's ridiculous.

Matteo got a C-minus in math.

There is so much unfairness to boys in the school system.

I think I need to do an Esmeralda Undercover

about this horrible social problem.

Oh. Esmeralda Undercover.

Every now and then,

Esmeralda likes to put on a disguise

to expose prejudice of various kinds.

She first tried one about weight discrimination.

Everyone should be able to play.

Slides are for everyone.

See? Fat-phobic architecture.

Then she took on the plight

of the unattractive man in the dating world.

Hello, girls, I'm Frank.

Just because...

I'm not Marlon Brando, what should I do?

Hide in a hole and die?

Why are you pointing your deodorant at me?

Needless to say, these pieces were never published.

She has a new one, and I'm very excited.

All right, class, uh...

I don't completely understand the situation,

but Principal Bourla says that a man named Dustin Bonacker

has offered a financial donation

if we host a special visitor to our classroom this afternoon.

It seems a confused woman believes

that she's a boy your age.

So I expect all of you

to behave with your usual...

politeness and kindness.

-Okay. -Yo, bros.

-Hello. -Oh, God.

I'm Jayden. I'm transferring in from another school.

Moving sucks, right? No cap.

I hope I'll be treated fairly, even if I'm a boy.

I hope so too.

-Can I sit next to you, man? -Please, no.

I appreciate you, man.

Wait, wait, that's your legal advice?

What do you mean we have to cut the parts about the Glass Club?

The headline is "Glass Club Bribes City Inspectors."

What should we change that to? "No One Bribes City Inspectors"?

-That would work. Perfect. -That would not make sen...

I'm mocking you. Tell him.

-He's mocking you, Dante, Jesus. -No, I see that now.

The thing is, Marv, that you told the Glass Club in an email

that TTT would write no hostile stories about them

in order to ensure their continued advertising,

and that could be viewed as an implied contract.

That was to do with my misguided crusade, okay?

This is to do with

our correctly guided crime reporting.

But it doesn't matter. A promise is a promise

and you made them a promise. In writing.

It's an implied contract.

But an implied contract has the same legal strength.

You know what, Dante,

stick to toilet paper.

You get one parking space...

that's uncovered,

-in the front... -Sorry.

And it comes with in-unit laundry.

No need for coins.

Uh, the laundromat's a little sketchy.

I am literally outraged.

We made so many sacrifices to get the truth out there.

My best reporter was sent to another city.

This is... It's so hot in here. Are you hot?

Nice job, Dante. You worried the man sick.

No, I didn't. I did absolutely nothing of the kind.

Listen to your tone. You deliver bad news with such zeal.

-Oh! Oh, no! Ooh! -Oh!

Call an ambulance.

-Ned. Elevate his legs. -Oh! Uh...

That doesn't look good. I wouldn't touch him

if I were you.

-Thank you. -Mm-hmm.

-Hey. -Hey.

I came as soon as I got your call.

I don't know what's going on here,

but if it's the worst,

I want you to write my obituary.

Ned, what's happening?

Whoa.

-I know. -What's going on?

They don't know. They think it might be my heart.

I just... I'm so sorry that we had a fight.

That was all my fault.

Everything was all my fault,

and I'm just so happy...

That I get to die looking at your face.

-Don't talk like that. -Listen to me.

If I come back as somebody else,

-I will come and find you, okay? -Okay.

If you get a call from a college-aged guy

when you're in your fifties, take the call.

-Ned... -Answer all your calls.

Okay. Let's just focus

-on getting you better. -Mm-hmm.

God, I can't believe the timing on this.

I was just about to sign a six-month lease.

Really?

But you won't now?

-Mr. Sampson? -Oh... Yes, Doctor.

Glad you're awake. As we suspected,

tests confirm exposure to toxic mold.

Ned. Jesus.

No, no. Just a simple allergy to mold.

I see you're responding well to the medication we gave you.

Um, Doctor, what meds is he on?

Benadryl.

-Oh... -Oh...

We're sure it's not a heart blockage?

I think there was some talk of that.

No, no, that was just from you.

Oh.

Hey, Ned, I-I think I found what was making you sick.

-Oh. -Nurse?

Smells kind of funky.

Ooh.

-My God. -Thank you.

Hm...

What was it, I wonder.

It was a blueberry muffin from The Granary.

It's a present I left on your desk.

Monday after the awards.

Ah. Yep, mold.

Oh.

-With a cute note. -Right.

-What did it say? -Doesn't matter.

What's this for?

I'm not supposed to talk about it.

So, when you have, like, what you have,

are you allowed to drive yourself?

No, of course not. I'm not 16. Yet.

In the place where you live, are there other people like you?

Oh, you're asking if I have a bro-bro?

Yeah, he just turned 47.

He's cool, I guess. We could be closer.

Do you drink beer?

Of course not, I'm a woman. I drink wine.

Yeah, no, I-I drink juice. I'm a kid, you know?

Guys, we all drink juice. Dudes.

Let me get this straight.

-I left you a gift... -Mm-hmm.

-On your desk... -Mm-hmm.

That you never opened, then obviously forgot about.

Because you don't want anyone to know I was your girlfriend?

-I intended to open it. -Who does that?

To be fair, it was behind some stuff on a shelf.

-Detrick... -Very easy to miss.

Do not defend him right now.

-Thank you, Detrick. -This is all you, Ned, okay.

This, this is the mold of indecision.

That is very well put, but I disagree.

It is the mold of restraint.

-That's a noble mold. -Restraint?

You were just worrying how dating me would make you look.

-Just admit it. -No, I was worried about

how dating me would make you look.

-What? -I've dated plenty of nurses.

It always works out.

-Thank you. -Jesus Christ.

If I was important to you,

you would've opened my gift that day instead of ignoring me.

All right, give me the muffin.

-No, Ned. -No. Sir, no.

Step back! Step back!

Don't eat the muffin. Don't eat...

I'm happy to eat it.

I'm happy to eat the muffin.

Don't eat it now. Don't eat it.

No. Ned!

-Oh, that is awful. -Stop!

-You're being an asshole. -Ned, you're insane.

-Just cough it up. -Put two fingers in.

There we go, there we go.

My jaws are weak.

What did you put in that Benadryl?

Yo, bros.

Tell me about the teacher.

I'm just asking as a kid, not some dumb journalist.

Is she unfair to all boys?

Or just that squirt with a big head?

Hey, guys, sorry my mom's nuts.

Your mom's not nuts, she just has problems, you know?

-One second. -Bullshit.

Just trying to stop this.

That's bullshit, man.

Hey, Mom? Mom.

Maybe you could just chill out a little bit?

Who are you, huh?

You can't call another boy "Mom"...

-Stop pushing me. -and not get pounded.

-Stop. -He calls the mom.

-Hey, Jayden. Chill out. -Do you miss your mom so much?

-You little punk. You little... -Son.

Enough.

-Okay... -Stop!

You're the one who volunteered to move to a different city.

Oh, come on. That was something I blurted out in the moment.

You're the one whose thoughtlessness

has literally hospitalized you.

All right, look, I didn't forget about your gift...

-Then what? -or not care about it, okay?

I was saving it.

Until I really earned it.

It was gonna be my reward.

For when we finished the Glass Club crusade.

I just... Anyone else, I would think, is full of shit,

but I weirdly believe you

for how specific and insane that logic is.

Um...

-I gotta go. -No.

-I... -You just got here.

I know, I have a long drive home, though.

Don't... Don't leave.

I-I have a lease to sign.

Please. No, don't sign the lease.

Please don't sign the lease.

Fuck!

Don't get comfortable. We need the bed back now.

Nope.

Should you be back at work?

I have dry mouth, dizziness,

and blurred vision, but I feel alive.

-What's happening? -Nothing good.

Lawyer's still not budging.

We can still give the police everything we know.

And if they arrest the Glass Club members

who made the bribes, we can write about it then.

Anybody could write about it then.

Look, Marv, I worked really hard on this piece.

I know. But you heard Dante.

Things don't always work out.

Sometimes you start in second place,

and you stay in second place, and you never get the girl.

Wait.

Wait, Marv. What did you promise The Glass Club?

What exactly?

I told them they can expect

no more negative articles

from The Truth Teller.

Did you say anything about The Chronicle?

No.

No, I didn't.

-I didn't. -Let's get in the car.

Yes. Go make those Glass-holes pay. Yes.

-Bye. -Bye.

-Bye. -Have fun.

-Yeah. -Thank you. I'll see you later.

-Bye. -See you. You're rolling it up.

-Sorry. -Whee!

-Just go. -Bye.

Miss you already.

Whoo! See ya.

So, you're seeing that HR lady?

Um... A little bit.

Hm.

You don't find her to be a little bit...

of a psycho?

Yeah, a little bit.

But you know, a little bit's okay.

I guess so...

I mean, obviously, it's none of my business, but...

Nicole's nice too.

Yeah, I know. I know.

Yeah. Maybe she has her head screwed on

a little tighter.

Okay, dude, I don't even drink coffee, okay?

And you should know this about me, so I'm sorry.

That's a chai tea latte.

Oh. Well, damn. I love chai tea.

And it's cold now.

You should have told me, you know?

Now I have to like nuke it in the microwave

like some kind of freaking heathen.

And you know that when you nuke it in a microwave,

it doesn't even taste as good

because it's got all these cold spots, which suck.

And it's with coconut milk,

and you're welcome.

Thank you.

Okay, we can have one conversation about it.

For the time it takes for this tea to heat up.

-You set it for a minute? -I hit quick start.

Okay, well, I guess first thing up on my end

is that I enjoy working with you.

-Thank you. -And I've liked

-becoming friendly with you. -Mm.

I like your clothes, everything.

-Thank you. -And a second thing is, um,

you know, I was being tossed around by that tornado, right?

-Uh-huh. -And I couldn't have done that

with my body, even if I wanted to.

-Okay? -Mm-hmm.

And I couldn't have stopped.

Even if I wanted to.

-Even if you wanted to? -Yeah.

Oh. Okay.

Okay, well, I think we're leaving

some things on the table, but let's call that progress.

-Sure. -Okay.

All right.

I, uh, believe tornadoes are real now...

I get why people chase them.

Jayden, you're new here,

but Matteo knows we have a strict no fighting policy.

Yeah, he knows, man.

But I think it's really unfair of the teacher to narc on us.

Because we were barely fighting, and it was my fault.

So I think Matteo should get a boost to his grades

for all the trouble that we're putting him through, man.

Yeah. Jayden, what the teachers have observed today

is that you are too smart for middle school.

Uh, we all think you belong in college.

-Really? -Yeah.

I couldn't be kept in middle school for long.

I'm too smart.

So... off to college you go.

-Oh. I see it now. -Yeah.

I'm a genius, man.

We gotta say goodbye

to our new very special friend, Jayden.

-Bye, Jayden. -It was nice meeting you.

I hope you get the help you need.

We all think you're a kid.

Thank you, bro.

I will never forget you, my dudes.

Bye, Jacob.

I like this school.

We have cool projects

that really make you think.

My brother.

The one today really had an impact on us kids.

Liam, I know we had issues, but you are cool.

It taught us something about sensitivity

towards the mentally ill.

I really wanted to judge her at first.

Text me!

But then it made me feel

I should apologize to my stepdad.

I really take him for granted.

Hey, bud.

-Hey. -Hey.

-How was your day? -It was good, Dad.

-How was yours? -Yeah.

Good.

This place is fancy.

-Do you see her? -No.

Mare?

Mare!

Sorry.

Sorry... it's family.

-Hey. -Hi.

-Missed you. -How you doing?

-Can I talk to him really quick? -Sure. Yeah.

-What's going on? -Yeah. Oh, so, um, I just...

I need to talk to you about something.

-So... -Um, I don't think I was clear.

Um...

I don't want some big, romantic gesture.

-I don't think... -Stop. Stop.

This is not about that.

Okay. S...

Then what are you doing here?

You liked our new Glass Club piece, right?

Yeah. It was one in a million.

It made me, honestly, very jealous.

Yeah, so we can't put it out in Toledo.

So I-I want you to take it and put it out here instead.

In The Chronicle.

Okay. Um...

With one condition.

Come on, dude, I'm not getting back with you

-over a byline. -Not that, no.

You have to share credit.

With Detrick. Okay? He worked really hard on it,

but we both agree that if you took a pass on it,

it could be next level.

Um...

-Say yes. -Yeah, let me talk to Dan. Okay?

-Tell him I said hi. -That's...

-Hi, Detrick. -Oh, shit.

What are you doing here?

Well, I saw you were leaving from work,

so I followed you.

-Two hundred miles? -Yeah.

I just wanted to give you this.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... Nicole.

What are you doing?

Oh, shit!

Bang, bang.

Salted nuts, your favorite. In case you get hungry.

Thank you. Um...

I'm not sure I understand what this is.

I saw that you started hanging out with Lisa.

I'm super happy for you.

Thank you. I really appreciate you.

I mean this. Appreciate you bringing me this.

Okay. Good.

Um... See you at work?

Maybe.

See you.

Whoo! Go get it. Have fun.

Hey!

That's my car.

That's my car, you crazy little bitch!

Maybe not. See ya.

Detrick, this is very good.

You have written a story

about a low structural barrier, and you've made it interesting.

Thank you.

Criminally low.

I think it's pretty good.

Just, uh, make those changes we talked about, but...

Ho...

Looks good to me.

Oh...

What's "NS"?

New stuff.

Non-story. Not a story.

That is perfect.

-Should I send it? -Yes.

Done.

-It's good. It's really good. -Yes, it is.

Oh, boy.

-Thank you. -Please. It was fun.

Yeah. Yeah.

You still gonna sign that lease?

Maybe.

Don't.

Oh, come on.

-What? -You can't look at me like that.

-You can't do that. -You got the wrong look.

I'm not looking at you like an ex-girlfriend.

I'm looking at you like...

a great journalist.

And it sucks.

Because you can do that anywhere.

You can do it here, or you can do it in Chicago,

you could do it in Washington,

but you will never be more important to anywhere

than you can be to your hometown.

So I think you should come back.

You really want me to come back as a journalist only?

That's all I'm asking.

Okay. I'll think about it.

Okay.

Dude, you look exhausted.

Mm!

Oh, come on, it's like 11 p.m.

By the time you get home, it'll be like 4.

Do you wanna just come back to mine?

You can crash on the couch.

No funny business.

I don't want any funny business.

-Oh. -I'm on Benadryl.

Wouldn't work anyway.

-Buddy. -Dude.

I was actually thinking that maybe

-because I nearly died today... -Oh, yeah. No, so close.

Because of your awful gift,

maybe you could crash on the couch?

I don't know how you did that logic, but deal.

Deal?

Uh... All right.

So...

I had my own moment of clarity.

When she walked into my hospital room.

I love her.

Can't live without her.

And if that's not something

that I can ever tell her,

then that'll have to be okay.

It'll be torture, but as long as I can sit at my desk...

at our newspaper

and see her face through my office window...

I can handle anything.

Dude.

-Jesus. -I'm so tired.

-Can we go? -Yes.

-Yeah. -I looked it up.

The Best Western's like 99 bucks.

Don't think I won't drop your ass off.

Aah! Okay.

Jesus Christ.

Stop it!