Original subtitles

- [Laughing] - ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪ ♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪

♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪

- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪ - HI-YAH!

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪

♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪

♪ AND ALL MANKIND DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪

[Echoing] ♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN... WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN... WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

[Turntable Scratching] ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪

[Laughing]

[Crowd Booing] [Sportscaster] RONNIE THOMAS MISSES AGAIN!

I'M TRYING TO REMEMBER THE LAST TIME HE WAS THIS OFF IN A BIG GAME.

[Sportscaster #2] HE LOOKS DISTRACTED, MARV.

HEY, THOMAS. YOU STINK, MAN! HEY, THOMAS.

YOU COULDN'T DRIVE ON MISS DAISY, A'IGHT.

HEY, THOMAS. YOU COULDN'T SHOOT IF YOU HAD AN AK-47.

HELL, MAN. HEY, THOMAS. YOU BEEN ON THE BENCH SO LONG,

YOUR LITTLE BOY WAS BORN WITH SPLINTERS IN HIS BUTT!

[Sportscaster #2] NEW YORK TAKES A TIME-OUT. [Horn Blows]

OH, MAN. H-HEY, GUYS, LOOK. I'M SORRY. ALL RIGHT?

JUST-JUST HAND ME THE BALL. I'LL GET HOT. REALLY.

HOT? HOT? HEY, HALLE BERRY NAKED COULDN'T GET YOU HOT, MAN.

HEY, YOU COULDN'T SCORE IF YOU WENT ON A DATE WITH HEIDI FLEISS, ALL RIGHT?

GET OUT A HERE, YA BUM! HE'S GETTING TO YOUR HEAD, MAN!

N-N-N-NO, HE ISN'T. I CAN BLOCK IT OUT, MAN.

LISTEN, BROTHER, YOU DON'T BOTHER ME, OKAY?

WHY SHOULD I BOTHER YOU, IF LOSING DOESN'T BOTHER YOU?

HEY, MAYBE THEY COULD TRADE YOU FOR SOMETHING USEFUL,

SOMETHING LIKE-LIKE... LIKE A DUST MOP, ALL RIGHT?

I MEAN, I BET EVEN YOUR CAT COUGHS UP AIR BALLS, ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, BUDDY. ALL RIGHT, MAN, COME ON. LET'S GO!

LET'S GO, MAN! LET'S GO! HEY, SEC...

SEC-SECURITY! SECURITY! YOU WANT TO DO IT!

SOMEBODY ARREST THIS MAN FOR IMPERSONATING A BASKETBALL PLAYER.

COME ON, RONNIE! TAKE IT OUT ON THE HOOP, MAN. GOD.

TAKE A SHOWER, AND FORGET ABOUT IT, MAN.

TRY TO CONCENTRATE ON TOMORROW'S GAME.

YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

[Exhales]

HEY, MAN! YOU GOT SO MANY PIMPLES ON YOUR BUTT,

I THOUGHT I WAS LOOKIN' AT EDWARD JAMES OLMOS! [Howling Cry]

OH, HONEY. THEY WOULDN'T BE IN THE PLAY-OFFS WITHOUT YOU.

[Sobs] I KEEP SEEING HIS FACE. SHHH.

IT'S ALL OVER NOW. THE POLICE TOOK HIM AWAY.

REALLY? REALLY.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN PLAY TOMORROW. OH, YES YOU CAN.

NOW LET'S JUST RELAX AND ENJOY OUR DINNER.

I'M GONNA NEED MORE THAN THAT. WAITER, GET ME A HIGHBALL.

[Screams] [Gasps]

NO-NO. NO-NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NOO!

IS THAT YOUR WIFE? OH!

I THOUGHT IT WAS PATRICK EWING WITH A WIG ON. OHH!

SHAVE YOUR UNDERARMS. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT BUCKWHEAT IN A HEADLOCK.

[Screams]

NO. [Grunting]

[Patients Whining] ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE. YES.

AS A REWARD FOR ALL OF YOUR HARD WORK IN THERAPY...

AND FOR THOSE OF YOU UNDER SUICIDE WATCH,

NURSE RATCHED AND I PRESENT TO YOU...

THE LILTING, LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC OF IRELAND.

LET'S GIVE A HEARTY, DEPRESSED-WARD WELCOME...

TO SEAMUS O'SHANTY O'SHAME!

WHOO! [Strums Guitar]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU SO MUCH. IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE THIS AFTERNOON,

SPREADIN' WARMTH AND CHEER AND HAPPINESS THROUGHOUT THE WARD.

AND AS WE SAY IN IRELAND, MAY YOUR DAYS SHINE BRIGHTER THAN SINEAD O'CONNOR'S HEAD.

AND NOW I'D LIKE TO START OFF WITH A TENDER LITTLE BALLAD, AND IT GOES LIKE THIS.

♪ FIONA LOVED A MAN ♪

♪ NAMED REESE ♪

♪ AND, OH, REESE HE WAS OFF ♪

♪ ON A JOURNEY OF PEACE ♪

♪ AND THE DAY HE RETURNED ♪

♪ SHE MET HIM AT DAWN ♪

♪ SHE RAN INTO HIS ARMS ♪

♪ BUT HIS ARMS WERE GONE ♪

♪ BECAUSE THE I.R.A. HAD PUT A PIPE BOMB IN HIS BED ♪

♪ BLEW OFF EVERYTHING BUT HIS FREAKING HEAD ♪

♪ AND HE HAD NO HAIR AND HE HAD HALF OF A FACE ♪

♪ AND HIS LIPS WERE SCATTERED ALL OVER THE PLACE ♪

♪ AND NOW SHE'S OUT LOOKIN' ♪

♪ FOR REESE'S PIECES ♪♪ THAT'S IT.

MR. O'SHAME, YOU ARE UNDOING ALL OF OUR WORK!

IF WE WANTED THIS WE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN JUDAS PRIEST.

NOW SING A... A-A-A-A LOVE BALLAD OR SOMETHING.

OHH, A LOVE BALLAD. A ROMANTIC LILTIN' LITTLE BALLAD. OH, OKAY THEN.

ALL RIGHTY, HERE'S ONE CALLED "THE BALLAD OF MOLLY McBRIDE," AND IT GOES LIKE THIS.

♪ MOLLY McBRIDE WAS A BARMAID ♪

♪ AND THE FAIREST LASS IN ALL THE LAND ♪

♪ UNTIL ONE DAY IN THE KITCHEN ♪

♪ SHE SLIPPED ON A TURNIP ♪

♪ AND SHE FELL FACE FIRST RIGHT INTO ♪

♪ A BURNING, FLAMING KEG O' LARD ♪

♪ AND SHE WAS HORRIBLY BLINDED ♪ [No Audible Dialogue]

♪ AND PERMANENTLY DISFIGURED ♪

♪ AND HER UNCLE MADE HER LIVE UNDER THE PORCH ♪

♪ 'CAUSE SHE SCARED AWAY TOURISTS ♪

♪ AND SHE MADE THE DOGS VOMIT ♪

♪ AND THE GOATS GIVE SOUR MILK ♪

♪ AND ALL THE NUNS DRANK IT AND DIED ♪♪ THAT'S IT.

MY MOTHER WAS A NUN! OH, NO, NO, NO!

SIR, YOU ARE THROUGH. YOU'VE SUNG ENOUGH.

NOW, PLEASE LEAVE. SOMEBODY ESCORT THIS MAN OUT OF HERE.

NO, NO, NO, NO! ONE MORE SONG FOLKS. HERE WE GO.

"COMING THROUGH THE RYE." EVERYONE KNOWS THIS ONE.

♪ IF A BODY FIND A BODY COMIN' THROUGH THE RYE ♪

♪ IF A BODY FIND A DEAD BODY COMIN' THROUGH THE RYE ♪

♪ LOOK AT ALL THE PUS AND MAGGOTS COMIN' OUT OF HIS EYE ♪

♪ IF A BODY FIND A BODY COMIN' THROUGH THE RYE ♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

♪ HEY, IF A BODY FIND A BODY COMIN' THROUGH THE... ♪

THIS IS HIM. THAT'S HIM. ALL RIGHT, MAN.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ADMITTED THIS MORNING. COME ON, MR. WALKER. LET'S GO.

- OH, I'M NOT MR. WALKER. - OKAY, MR. LEPRECHAUN. LET'S GO.

OH, I'M NOT A LEPRECHAUN EITHER. I'M THE KING OF THE MOTH PEOPLE. WHOO-HOO-HOO!

YES. I DO LOVE THE KING OF THE MOTH PEOPLE. OKAY.

KING OF THE MOTH PEOPLE, WHY DON'T YOU FLY TOWARDS THE LIGHT? COME ON.

OH. NO, NOT THE LIGHT. NO, NO, NO. I CAN'T RESIST THE LIGHT.

OH, HELP ME. OH. OHH.

♪♪ [Hip-Hop]

[Man Rapping] ♪ SO WHAT'S YOUR NAME, BOY A'IGHT TO CALL ME MAGNUS ♪

♪ THE FUTURE OF RAP WHO'S BOUND TO ATTACK US AND MOVE NICE AND LIGHT ♪

♪ YOU'RE TYPE AVERAGE AND I'M THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST, MIKE SLAPPIN' ♪

♪ HANGIN' FROM THE CROSS ♪

♪ BRUSHIN' THE DUST OFF MY SHOULDERS AND THAT'LL MAKE THE APPLAUSE, OOH ♪

♪ WHY THE ATTITUDE HOMEY, YOU AIN'T HALF AS RUDE ♪

♪ JUST WATCH YOUR LIPS, KID I'LL SHATTER YOU ♪

♪ BATTLE YOU I'D RATHER HAVE A HOLE IN MY NECK ♪

♪ AND SPEND MAD DOUGH ON BLOWIN' MY CHECK ♪

♪♪ [Ends]

[Announcer] WELCOME BACK TO THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP SUMO WRESTLING.

SAY HELLO TO THE NUMBER ONE HEAVYWEIGHT CONTENDER PERNELL DORSETT.

[Makes Karate Noises]

PERCY IN THE HOUSE, BABY! NOW, PERCY, YOU KNOW,

YOU AND I GO BACK A LONG WAY,

AND THERE'S ALWAYS TALK IN THE LOCKER ROOM AND OUT THAT YOU'RE ANOREXIC.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SHED SOME LIGHT ON THIS? YEP.

I'M NOT ANOREXIC. I EAT ALL THE TIME. [Falsetto Grunt]

WELL, COME ON, PERCY. NOW-NOW, WHAT DID YOU EAT TODAY? WHY DO I LOOK FAT?

I MEAN, 'CAUSE I'M TRYIN' TO LOSE WEIGHT, MAN.

NO, YOU DON'T NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I HEARD YOU HAVE THE METABOLISM OF A GERBIL.

[Laughs] YOU'RE JUST BEING NICE AREN'T YA, MAN.

I CAN STAND TO LOSE ABOUT FIVE POUNDS. I'M HUGE. LOOK AT THIS.

UHHH. YEAH, PERNELL. TODAY, YOU'RE FACING A MAN...

WHO OUTWEIGHS YOU BY 470 POUNDS.

[Pernell] YAKAMOTO, YOU'RE A PIG, AND YOU ARE GOING DOWN.

[Shrill Yell] WELL, ALL RIGHT FOLKS. THERE YOU HAVE IT.

LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!

TWELVE ROUNDS OF SUMO WRESTLING.

I'M DAVID ALAN GRIER WITH THE FIGHT DOCTOR, DR. FREDDY PACHECO...

THURSDAY NIGHT AT THE FIGHTS. [Crowd Clamoring]

[David] UM, NOW THERE'S PERCY. HE'S, UH, BEGINNING HIS WARM-UP.

YOU KNOW, HE BRINGS TO MIND A YOUNG BEN VEREEN IN PIPPEN.

OF COURSE, THAT'S BEFORE THE AUTO ACCIDENT.

PERCY IS ALWAYS ONE TO SHOW THE MOVES... A REAL CROWD-PLEASER.

AND HERE'S YAKAMOTO...

CASTING THE SALT... THE GREAT TRADITION OF SUMO.

AND, OF COURSE, PERCY CASTING A SALT SUBSTITUTE,

PREFERRED BY BULIMICS EVERYWHERE.

OF COURSE, THE NAME "PERCY," PRONOUNCED IN JAPANESE... [Guttural Gibberish]

- AND I THINK WE ARE JUST ABOUT READY TO BEGIN. - [Grunting]

BOTH WRESTLERS ENTER THE CIRCLE IN A

MATCH-UP REMINISCENT OF DAVID AND GOLIATH...

OR SHOULD I SAY GODZILLA AND MIGHTY MOUSE.

OWW! THAT IS REALLY GONNA LINGER.

AND PERCY'S DOWN!

UH-UH. NO, NO. [Mouthing Words]

NO TIME-OUTS IN HERE, BUDDY.

YOU GOTTA KEEP FIGHTING. THIS ISN'T THE W.B.C.

[Thud]

YOU'RE DOING GREAT, PERCY! HOW DO YOU FEEL?

HEY, MAN, AIN'T NOTHING BUT A BROKEN SPLEEN,

BABY. I GOT HIM RIGHT WHERE I WANT HIM.

THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO? YOU FIGHT LIKE YOKO ONO!

[Bellows]

[Growling Yell] [Coughs, Squeals]

OUCH! NOW, THAT'S REALLY GOTTA HURT. PERCY?

PERCY, ARE YOU UNDER THERE? TALK TO ME, PERCY. COME ON, MAN.

MAN, THIS AIN'T NO THING, BUT A CHICKEN WING, BABY.

I CAN STILL TAKE THIS BOY. YOU AIN'T NOTHING, MAN.

YOU DON'T WANT ME, BIG BOY. YOU DON'T WANT ME. [Growls]

WELL, THAT'S ABOUT ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR TODAY, FOLKS.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! [Gong Reverberates]

BACHELOR NUMBER ONE, WHERE WOULD YOU TAKE ME ON OUR DATE?

I...

[Uses Lower Voice] I WOULD TAKE YOU TO TIFFANY'S,

WHERE YOU COULD SPEND UP TO AND INCLUDING TWO DOLLARS. YEAH.

[Boy] DERONDA, ARE YOU UP THERE?

IT'S ME, POOKIE.

WHAT'S THE PASSWORD? UM, DERONDA HIGHTOWER IS SO BEAUTIFUL,

UM, SHE MAKE HALLE BERRY LOOK LIKE A DOO-DOO HEAD.

YEAH, OKAY, YOU CAN COME IN. WE'RE GONNA PLAY HOUSE.

WHY CAN'T WE PLAY POST OFFICE?

'CAUSE I'M TIRED OF YOU ALL THE TIME SHOOTIN' AT ME.

OKAY. LET'S PLAY HOUSE. OH, NO, YOU DON'T.

NO, YOU DON'T. WE GOTTA GET MARRIED FIRST.

YOU GOTTA BUY THE COW BEFORE YOU GET A FREE MILK SHAKE.

OKAY.

'KAY, DO YOU TAKE ME TO BE YOUR AWFUL WEDDED WIFE,

AS LONG AS YOUR BUTT SHALL LIVE? UH-HUH.

[Together] MARRY, MARRY, MARRY!

'KAY, NOW WE HAVE A BABY. WE CAN'T HAVE NO BABIES IF WE DON'T DO THE "'CEPTION."

I DON'T WANNA DO THE 'CEPTION!

THEN WHAT DID I MARRY YOU FOR? YOU GOTTA DO THE 'CEPTION!

BUT IT'S MY TIME! I'M "MINISCRATING"!

YOU SAY THAT EVERY NIGHT! OKAY, JUST HURRY.

OOH, BABY, BABY, BABY. OOH, OOH, OOH.

BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY. OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH.

OH, HAROLD, YOU'RE THE KING.

OH, GREAT! ANOTHER MOUTH TO FEED.

I THOUGHT YOU WAS WEARING A "DIAGRAM." WELL, UH,

I THOUGHT YOU WAS WEARING A "CONDOMINIUM."

[Scoffs] IT'S HARD ENOUGH OUT HERE WITH WHAT THE MAN LETS ME EARN.

MY MAMA TOLD ME NOT TO MARRY A MAN WITH NO "DAMNBITION."

[Imitates Baby's Cries] THE BABY IS BORN.

AND HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS DADDY.

YEAH, TOOTHLESS AND BROKE.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST CUT IT OFF! I'M GOING OUT!

[Departing Footsteps] WELL, DON'T LET THE DOORKNOB HIT YOU IN THE BOOTY!

AND IF YOU COME BACK AFTER MIDNIGHT, YOU'RE GONNA SLEEP ON THE COUCH.

OH, I HAD TO COME BACK. I DON'T LIKE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH.

MAKE MY BACK HURT. OKAY.

THEN WE GOT TO PLAY WHAT I WANNA PLAY.

DO YOU WANNA PLAY THE 'CEPTION? NO!

I WANNA PLAY DOCTOR. YOU BE THE DOCTOR.

OKAY, I'LL BE THE DOCTOR. OH!

OH, DOCTOR. DOCTOR.

MY TUMMY HURTS, AND I'M SICK.

SOUNDS LIKE A VERY CRITICAL CONDITION YOU ARE IN.

DO YOU HAVE ANY HEALTH INSURANCE?

- NO. - YOUR ASS DEAD.

♪♪ [Hip-Hop Instrumental]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]

PREVIOUSLY ON IN LIVING COLOR.

[Woman's Voice] IT'S ALL RIGHT, LITTLE WANDA, I'M GOING TO FIND YOUR DADDY.

- ♪♪ [Bluesy Sax Riff] - [Man's Voice] IT WAS ANOTHER LATE NIGHT,

AND I WAS ALONE IN MY OFFICE WITH MY ONLY TRUE FRIEND IN THE WORLD... JACK.

I HADN'T HAD A CASE IN OVER THREE MONTHS,

BUT, THEN, SHE WALKED IN.

HEY! FOR REAL THOUGH.

SHE HAD A BODY THAT COULD STOP A TRUCK...

AND A FACE THAT APPARENTLY HAD.

EXCUSE ME, I NEED A PRIVATE DICK. MA'AM?

- YOU SEE, I'M IN TROUBLE. - YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, MA'AM.

THERE'S A LEASH LAW IN THIS TOWN. OH.

YOU SO CRAZY. NO, LOOK.

I'M TRYING TO FIND THE FATHER OF MY LITTLE BABY HERE.

COULD YOU GIVE ME A DESCRIPTION OF THE MAN?

OH, I DON'T REMEMBER HOW HE WAS. ALL I REMEMBER IS...

THE NAKED BOOTY JUMPIN' OUT MY WINDOW.

NAKED BOOTY? MMM, I SEE THE RESEMBLANCE.

ANYWAY...

BUT WHAT DO YOU HOPE TO ACHIEVE BY FINDING THIS CULPRIT?

WELL, YOU KNOW, SEE, I DON'T WANT WANDA JUNIOR,

YOU KNOW, TO GROW UP LIKE I HAD DID.

'CAUSE I DON'T THINK SHE SHOULD DO THAT IN THIS WORLD THE WAY IT IS NOW.

'CAUSE ALL I HAD TO DO WAS JUST SURVIVE ON MY GOOD LOOKS.

I DON'T THINK SHE'S GONNA HAVE THAT PROBLEM.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, MISTER. I'D JUST LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR TAKING MY CASE.

AND IF YOU EVER NEED TO FIND ME, YOU JUST WHISTLE.

- YOU KNOW HOW TO WHISTLE, DON'T YOU? - SURE, I DO.

ALL RIGHT. [Blows Silent Dog Whistle]

[Dog-like Howl]

THIS DETECTIVE GAME IS AN UGLY BUSINESS,

AND IT JUST GOT UGLIER.

HEY, THANKS FOR WATCHING. WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK ON...

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪

♪♪ [Theme]

♪♪ [Continues]