Original subtitles

HI, I'M LOOMIS SIMMONS.

LADIES, DO YOU LONG FOR THE PITTER-PATTER...

OF TINY LITTLE FEETS IN YOUR HOUSE?

ARE YOU WORRIED THAT THE CUCKOO BIRD IN YOUR BIOGRAPHICAL CLOCK...

HAS STOPPED LAYING EGGS?

I HOPE SO. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY WHEN YOU LET ME...

KNOCK YOU UP!

THE PLAN IS SIMPLE TO FOLLOW.

CALL ME, LOOMIS,

AND I WILL SEND YOU ONE OF MY MOTIVATIONAL TAPES...

RECORDED ON THESE HIGH QUALITY EIGHT-TRACK CARTRIDGES.

IT'LL GET YOU IN THE MOOD FOR ONE OF OUR ROMANTICAL ENCOUNTERS.

LET'S LISTEN. ♪♪

MY CHÉRI "AMOIVRA." THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE!

AIN'T NO MAN IN HIS RIGHT MIND WANT YOU!

YOUR OVARIES AIN'T NO GOOD. THEY LOOK LIKE RAISINS.

LOOMIS IS THE MAN. LOOMIS IS THE MAN.

LOOMIS IS THE MANNN!

MMM!

DON'T THAT JUST MAKE YOUR NATURE RISE?

NEXT, I, LOOMIS SIMMONS, WILL COME UP IN THROUGH YOUR CRIB...

AND INTRODUCE YA TO MY PARTNER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT?

MAYBE TWO OR THREE TIMES IF NECESSARY.

NOW, YOU MAY THINK, "BUT, LOOMIS,

I'M TOO BUTT UGLY FOR EVEN YOU TO WANT TO KNOCK ME UP."

AND YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT. BUT WHEN I GENTLY APPLY...

MY SPECIAL BEAUTY ENHANCER OVER YOUR MUG,

EVEN I CAN GET THE JOB DONE.

AND DON'T FORGET LOOMIS'S NO-RETURN GUARANTEE.

AS SOON AS YOU DROP THAT CALF, I AIN'T COMIN' BACK.

LET'S LISTEN TO ONE OF MY SATISFIED CUSTOMERS.

MY WIFE AND I WANTED TO START A FAMILY,

BUT OUR SCHEDULES ALWAYS SEEMED TO CONFLICT, SO WE CALLED LOOMIS.

NOW WE'RE ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY.

THANK YOU, LOOMISESES.

SO DO WHAT THOUSANDS OF OTHER HARD UP HEIFERS HAVE DONE.

CALL 1-900-K-N-O-C-K-UP TODAY,

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'LL BE CARRYIN' YOUR OWN BUNDLE OF JOY...

OR AS I, LOOMIS, LIKE TO CALL IT, "A FRUIT OF LOOMIS"...

WHEN YOU LET ME KNOCK YOU UP!

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪ ♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪

♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪

- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪ - HI-YAH!

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪

♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪

♪ AND ALL MANKIND DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪

♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN... WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN... WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪

AND NOW A WORD FROM THE CORLICK SISTERS.

ACTUALLY, THIS COMMERCIAL IS MEANT TO SERVE AS AN APOLOGY.

RIGHT. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THEY'VE HAD SOME COMPLAINTS...

FROM SOME OF THE BLACK CUSTOMERS HERE AT LENNY'S.

THAT'S "DENY'S." OH.

AND YOU BLACK PEOPLE, I REALIZE THAT WHOLE SLAVERY THING...

MIGHT HAVE BEEN A LITTLE UNPLEASANT.

OH, IT'S A DARN SHAME. BUT WE'RE NOT HERE TO CHANGE THE WORLD.

MY, MY, NO. WE'RE JUST HERE TO SERVE...

THE KIND OF FOOD WEIRDOS AND INSOMNIACS LOVE TO EAT.

AND ANY OTHER RELIGION. MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO US.

OH, YOU ARE A MORON! WE'RE THROUGH TALKING ABOUT RELIGION.

LET'S TALK ABOUT ALL THE NEW BLACK PEOPLE WE BOUGHT.

YOU MEAN "HIRED"! PEOPLE USED TO COMPLAIN... YEAH.

THERE WAS ONLY ONE BLACK GUY WORKING HERE, AND HE WAS MOPPING THE FLOORS.

NOW WE HAVE FOUR GUYS MOPPING THE FLOOR, AND WE'VE CHANGED OUR VENUE.

THAT'S "CHANGE OF MENU." RIGHT.

WE SERVE THE SAME FOOD FULL OF FLAVOR AND GERITOL.

THAT'S "CHOLESTEROL"! THAT'S RIGHT.

AND WE'VE GIVEN OUR NEW NAME TO APPEAL TO AFRICANS AND FARRAKHAN.

OH, THAT'S "AFRICAN-AMERICAN"! OKAY, SMARTY-PANTS.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE BIBS. THAT'S "RIBS."

JUST LOOK AT OUR NEW "BABY'S GOT BACK" RIBS.

OH, GOD, THIS SUCKS!

THAT'S NOT ALL THAT SUCKS.

THERE'S ALSO OUR SPECIAL DRIVE-BY BREAKFAST.

I JUST LOVE THOSE DEAD PIGS IN A BLANKET.

AND BE SURE TO TRY OUR ALL NEW GRAND SLAMBO DINNERS.

AND WE'VE ADDED EXTRA WATERMELON TO OUR STOLEN CAR.

THAT'S THE "SALAD BAR"! EAT UP, HOUSE FLY.

THAT'S "HOMEBOY"!

DENY'S... WHERE BLACK MONEY IS AS WELCOME AS ANYBODY'S.

♪ MMM ♪ ♪ WE BACK UP IN THIS PLACE ♪

♪ YO, YO, YO ♪

♪ I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I'M A-RAISE IT UP ♪

♪ SOME OF THE OLD SCHOOL PLAYAS GONNA RAISE IT UP ♪

♪ AND WE DON'T STOP ROCKIN' ♪

♪ WE KEEP ON POPPIN' WE AIN'T PLAYIN' ♪

♪ I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I'M A RAISE IT UP ♪

♪ ALL THE OLD SCHOOL PLAYAS GONNA RAISE IT UP ♪

♪ AND WE DON'T STOP ROCKIN' ♪

♪ WE KEEP ON POPPIN' WE AIN'T PLAYIN' ♪

♪ I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I'M A-RAISE IT UP ♪

♪ ALL THE OLD SCHOOL PLAYAS GONNA RAISE IT UP ♪

♪ AND WE DON'T STOP ROCKIN' ♪

♪ WE KEEP ON POPPIN' WE AIN'T PLAYIN' ♪♪

NOW, FROM THE DIRECTOR OF BOYS IN THE HOOD...

COMES A FILM STARRING JANET JACKSON...

AS A SINGER WHO SHOULDN'T TRY TO DO MOVIES...

AND TUPAC AS A RAPPER WHOSE MOTHER NAMED HIM...

HIM AFTER A CHEAP WAY TO BUY TOILET PAPER.

THEY WERE BOTH LOOKING FOR A LITTLE UNPOETIC JUSTICE.

YEAH, CHICAGO, HE FINE.

THERE HE IS. ISN'T HE CUTE?

GIRL, YOU NEED TO ROLL UP TO OAKTOWN WITH US.

GIRL, YOU TRIPPIN'. JANET JACKSON DON'T RIDE IN NO MAIL TRUCK.

HOW LONG YOU BEEN DOIN' HAIR ANYWAY?

I DON'T DO HAIR. I MAKE UP POEMS AND SAY THEM TO MYSELF.

TODAY, THIS MOVIE OPENS. TOMORROW, THE VIDEO SHELF.

GIRL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

HEY, BABY. DAMN, THEM JEANS IS TIGHT!

TIGHT. MY JEANS ARE TOO TIGHT.

IT TAKES FOUR PEOPLE TO PULL THEM OFF ME AT NIGHT.

LET'S CUT THE BULL.

I KNOW WHAT YOU REALLY WANT.

WHAT I REALLY WANNA KNOW IS, WHAT YOU DOIN' IN THIS MOVIE...

WHEN YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO THE HOOD A DAY IN YOUR LIFE, UNDERSTAND ME?

I DO NOT LIKE BEING IN THE HOOD.

I DO NOT LIKE IT, THOUGH I SHOULD.

I DO NOT LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM, SAM I AM.

TELL ME, BABY, HOW YOU GET A NAME LIKE JUSTICE?

IT'S A LONG STORY. HEY Y'ALL, I JUST REMEMBERED.

THIS IS A JOHN SINGLETON MOVIE! OH, YEAH.

BLEEP YOU! WELL, BLEEP YOU!

WELL, BEEP YOU! WELL, BEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP!

WELL, BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP YOU! WELL, BEEP, BLEEP, THEN...

BLEEPY BLEEP, BLEEP!

NOW THAT THE CURSING'S OVER, IT'S TIME TO HEAR SOME MORE VOICES.

WHERE IS THE LIBRARY?

WHY COULDN'T I GET WHITNEY'S ROLE IN THE BODYGUARD?

OH! OH, YOU TOO GOOD FOR US NOW!

ATTENTION KMART SHOPPERS.

WE HAVE A BLUE-LIGHT SPECIAL ON AISLE 3.

NOW AVAILABLE, VIDEO COPIES OF JOHN SINGLETON'S POETIC JUSTICE.

JUST 3.99. WAIT A SECOND. MAKE THAT 1.99.

UNPOETIC JUSTICE.

IT'S NOT JUST A MOVIE, IT'S A... A-A-A...

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT IS.

SOME OF YOU ARE STUNNED BY THOMAS HEARNS'S CHOICE OF A CHALLENGER FOR HIS COMEBACK.

HIS OPPONENT, A VIRTUAL UNKNOWN BY THE NAME OF CARL "THE TOOTH" WILLIAMS,

UNRANKED BY THE W.B.A., THE W.B.C., THE I.B.F. AND THE W.B.F.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CARL "THE TOOTH" WILLIAMS.

TOOTH, WHERE WERE YOU BORN, TOOTH?

BASICALLY, I WAS BORN THOUGH IN C.P.T.

UH, MR. WILLIAMS, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO THOSE WHO CONTEND...

THAT YOU'RE COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE...

AND NO MATCH FOR MR. "HITMAN," THOMAS HEARNS OR SOMETHIN'?

WELL, I THINK THEY SHOULD READ THE PARAPHERNALIA.

- WELL, WHAT ABOUT YOUR RECORD? - MY RECORD SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.

UH, TOOTH, YOUR RECORD IS 0 AND 217.

YEAH, BUT I'M CLOSING IN FAST ON THAT NUMBER.

BUT, UH, LIKE I SAID, MY RECORD SPEAKS FOR ITSELF,

BUT IT DON'T NECESSARILY SPEAK FOR MYSELF.

WHATEVER I HAD SAID.

AND, ANYWAY, I GOT NEW TECHNIQUES RIGHT NOW.

- AH, TRAINING TECHNIQUES? - NO, ACTUALLY, I GOT NEW BRUSHIN' TECHNIQUES.

SEE, I FEEL THAT A CLEAN TOOFUS IS A HAPPY TOOFUS.

TOOTH, I'VE GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY THAT MUHAMMAD ALI,

JOE FRAZIER AND GEORGE FOREMAN ALL HAVE IN COMMON?

UH, BASICALLY, UH, THEY ALL KICKED MY ASS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TOMMY HEARNS IS ENTERING THE BUILDING NOW!

WHERE HE AT? WHERE HE AT?

UH, MR. HEARNS...

TOOTH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M STARING HIM DOWN.

I'M GETTING INTO HIS HEAD.

- BUT THAT'S HIS MANAGER. - OH, SAY, YEAH, I KNEW THAT. I KNEW THAT.

UH, MR. HEARNS... MR. HEARNS, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO THINK THAT CARL "THE TOOTH" WILLIAMS...

POSES NO DANGER TO YOUR TITLE.

WELL, THAT'S NOT TRUE. EVERY BONE IN HIS BODY HAS BEEN BROKEN,

SO THAT MAKES HIM FLEXIBLE.

TOOTH, YOU'VE GOTTA FEEL LIKE YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.

WELL, YOU KNOW, BASICALLY, THAT'S WHAT THEY HAD SAID...

WHEN I FOUGHT SUGAR RAY LEONARD AND CHAVEZ.

RIGHT. AND SUGAR RAY LEONARD BROKE YOUR SPINE AND YOUR JAW...

AND KNOCKED YOU OUT IN 12 SECONDS.

WELL, HE DID, BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE DIDN'T REPORT...

THAT I WAS BACK ON SOLID FOODS WITHIN 10 WEEKS.

TOOTH, WHOM DO YOU CREDIT YOUR SUCCESS TO?

I CREDIT ALL MY SUCCESS TO THE MAN UPSTAIRS.

- GOD? - NO, MR. JOHNSON IN 2-B.

HE USED TO RUN ME DOWN TO THE GYM EVERY DAY.

AND I ALSO GIVE IT UP TO MY MAMA. COME ON OUT, MOM!

M-M-MRS. WILLIAMS!

JUST CALL ME "GUMS."

OH. OH, LISTEN, SON, YOU FORGOT YOUR TOOTH PROTECTOR.

THERE YOU GO, BABY. THANK YOU. AH. AH.

THERE YOU GO. UH, MRS., UH...

MRS. GUMS, WHAT WAS IT LIKE BRINGING UP, UH, YOUR... YOUR SON?

I REMEMBER THE VERY FIRST DAY OF SECOND GRADE.

HE COME HOME, HIS EYE ALL SWOLL UP SHUT.

AND HE JUST KEPT SAYIN', "CUT ME, MOMMY. CUT ME, MOMMY."

HE WAS SO CUTE. YOU KNOW, WE DIDN'T HAVE MUCH MONEY BACK IN THEM DAYS,

BUT LUCKILY, IT SEEMED LIKE THE TOOTH FAIRY WOULD BE THERE EVERY OTHER DAY.

MM-HMM. MM-HMM. YEAH, AND BASICALLY, AS MOM HAD REITERATED,

I WAS TRYIN' TO... DON'T INTERRUPT YOUR MAMA!

THAT WAS A CHEAP SHOT, 'CAUSE IT WAS AFTER THE BELL HAD RANG.

I FEEL I WILL REGAIN MY TITLE.

BUT AFTER THAT FALLING DOWN, I FEEL LIKE I'M KINDA WARMED UP NOW.

LOOK OUT!

YOU WARMED UP, HUH? COME ON. I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

YOU FALL TO ALL THE CONTENDERS FROM TYSON TO ALI,

BUT, BOY, YOU MUST BE CRAZY TO STEP INTO THE RING WITH ME.

WHOA!

I GOT YOUR BACK, SON. DON'T WORRY. DON'T... HEY, HEY!

HOLD ON. IT WASN'T LIKE THAT. YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND.

LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN TO ME. LET ME TALK TO YOU. I WANNA TALK TO YOU.

OH, I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

THE TOOTH'S MOM HAS JUST KNOCKED OUT TOMMY "HITMAN" HEARNS!

YES, SIR, I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY.

I ASSURE YOU, SIR. WE ARE GONNA FIND A NEW HIT SHOW.

WE'LL HAVE THIS NETWORK BACK ON TOP IN-IN NO TIME, ALL RIGHT?

I PROMISE. I GUARANTEE IT.

ALL RIGHT. YES, SIR. I UNDERSTAND. GOOD-BYE, SIR.

WHERE AM I GONNA FIND A HIT SHOW?

♪♪

PARDON ME, HOME SKILLET.

DID I HEAR TELL SOMEONE MENTION A HIT SHOW?

DIG THAT, 'CAUSE WE DOWN WITH THAT, MAN. WHO THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS?

I'M GLAD YOU ASKED. MY NAME'S CLAVELL. AND I AM HOWARD TIBBS III.

AND WE ARE FUNKY FINGER PRODUCTIONS.

I BELIEVE ME AND YOU MET AT THE RICKY JAMES TRIAL.

DIG IT. AND THE COURTROOM WAS SMOKIN'.

LOOK HERE. BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER,

ANYBODY EVER TELL YOU YOU LOOK LIKE A SWOLLEN TOM CRUISE?

DON'T HE? ALL UP HERE. LET ME GIVE YOU ONE OF MY CARDS.

YOU KNOW, I'M FRESH OUT. HOWARD.

BAM! LOOK OUT.

NOW, THE NUMBER ON THE BACK IS OURS. DIG THAT.

NOW, THIS COUPON WILL SAVE YOU 25 CENTS ON MISS B.J.'S COLLARD GREENS.

- JOANNA, GET ME SECURITY, FAST. - HEY, WELL, HOLD UP JO-JO.

YOU AND YOUR BIG LEGS.

NOT SO FAST, HOME SHOPPING NETWORK. STOP THAT.

WE'VE BEEN WATCHING THIS LATE NIGHT THING, AND WE GOT OUR OWN LITTLE DITTY.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU FELLAS TO LEAVE. AND I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU...

TO SIT DOWN, HAYSTACKS.

LOOK, I GOT AN IDEA THAT IS SO PHAT, RICHARD SIMMONS WANTS TO OUTLAW IT.

FINGER-LICKIN' GOOD. YOU CAN GAIN THREE POUNDS JUST LOOKIN' AT IT.

YOU GUYS HAVE NO REFERENCES. YOU HAVE NO

EXPERIENCE. WHY WOULD I EVER GIVE YOU A SHOW?

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT HAVE SOME DOUBTS, HOME BOX OFFICE.

CAN I CALL YOU HBO?

SO, UH, LOOK HERE.

WE BROUGHT WHAT WE LIKE TO CALL THE TOP THREE LIST.

HOWARD, WHERE DID I PUT THAT?

YOU GOT IT, HOWARD?

WHOO. B-B-B-BAM! BAM!

OH, YES. OH, YES.

NOW, STRAIGHT FROM THE HOME OFFICE OF COMPTON, C-A,

TONIGHT'S TOP THREE LIST.

TOP THREE REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD GIVE US OUR OWN LATE SHOW.

HERE WE GO. ♪♪

♪♪

NOW, LOOK, IF LITTLE TOOTIE IS LIVIN' SINGLE,

THEN WHY CAN'T ME AND CLAVELL BE LIVIN' LARGE? ♪♪

NUMBER TWO. NUMBER TWO?

♪♪

ARSENIO MAY HAVE A LONG FINGER, BUT HE AIN'T GOT NO FUNKY FINGER. SAY WHAT?

- YOU HEAR THAT? - I HEARD THAT.

AND NUMBER THREE.

YOUR WIFE WON'T THINK IT'S TOO NICE...

WHEN SHE FINDS OUT THAT YOU KNOW HEIDI FLEISS.

- HEY, NOW! - YOU GUYS ARE INSANE!

WELL, HOLD ON THERE NOW, HOME IMPROVEMENT.

YOU KNOW, WE HAPPEN TO HAVE A LITTLE TASTE...

OF WHAT WE LIKE TO CALL THE SEASON PREMIERE.

- HOWARD? - WATCH IT! BAM!

NOW, IT'S A CROSS BETWEEN THE TONIGHT SHOW,

THE TOMORROW SHOW AND THE TODAY SHOW.

WE LIKE TO CALL IT YESTERDAY AND THEN SOME MO'.

ALL RIGHT. IS THIS BAD MAMMER JAMMER ON?

OKAY, WE'RE BACK.

NOW, WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

ANTONIO FARGAS ALL UP IN THROUGH HERE.

HUGGY BEAR IS IN THE HOUSE. HUGGY BEAR'S IN THE HOUSE.

YOU HERE ME? ALSO, RODNEY ALLEN RIPPY AND THE MUSIC OF ROCKWELL.

BROTHER, DID YOU SEE HIM LAST NIGHT, T.?

MAN WAS OUT THERE ON THAT TIP. SAY WHAT?

YES INDEED. UH-OH! UH-OH!

HOWARD'S WEARING THE BOOTY CAM! GO, HOWARD! GO, HOWARD!

WITH THE BOOTY CAM. WITH THE BOOTY CAM. BREAK IT DOWN.

♪♪

ON THE BOOTY CAM. ON THE BOOTY CAM. AND I'M WAVING.

I'M WAVING... ON THE BOOTY CAM. HEY, NOW!

WE GOT ANOTHER TAPE OF STUPID PET TRICKS.

GOT CLAVELL'S FERRET ON THERE. WEARS A SNAP CAP TOO.

HE'S ALL THAT. HEY, NOW!

IT'S ABOUT TIME! GET THESE GUYS OUTTA HERE!

SO I GUESS YOU GONNA CALL THE NUMBER THAT'S ON THE CARD?

HEY, LOOK HERE. CALL MY AGENT, SIDNEY. IT'S S-I-D-NAY.

OUR JOB WAS SECURITY GUARD FOR POPEYE'S...

LIVE, LOVE AND LAUGH. SEE YA NEXT WEEK. PEACE OUT.

♪♪