Original subtitles

I don't mind

Letting you down easy But just give it time

If it don't hurt now But just wait, just wait a while

You're not the big fish in the pond No more

You are what they're feeding on...

Hm. Something's missing.

It's not quite right.

Yup, nailed it.

Hey, give me your hand.

Everyone who is ever mean to you will die one day.

I would be so lost without you.

Aww.

- I'm gonna need this shirt too. - Of course!

Why are you wearing scrubs?

Uh, they're not scrubs.

They're prototypes for Deadstock's new line of matching sets.

It's pajama core, but lazy coded.

They say "MD" on them.

Yeah, "Maison Deadstock." What's confusing about this?

You should really lock your front door. What if there was a burglar?

What's he gonna steal, our microwave?

Joke's on him, it's too hot to touch and has been for months.

Ugh. I can't believe you live like this.

If you hate our place so much, why are you always here?

Uh, if I didn't come over, you'd still be living with that gas leak.

Hey, we loved that smell.

My sleep has been terrible since then.

I'm going to look for an apartment soon.

I just have a very specific list of needs, and I'm inflexible on all of them.

This is New York. You can't be too picky.

Yesterday, I found a baby's pacifier in my salad, and you know what?

I ate around it.

Plus, we get a great deal on rent because I used to hook up with our landlord.

The old Polish guy?

Yaroslav's actually 32, but he's been through a lot.

Ugh! Well, I'll eventually get around to finding an apartment.

As long as it doesn't look like your place.

You're living in squalor.

It's actually pretty hard to get an apartment in SQuAloR now.

South Queens along Rockaway? It's really starting to get gentrified.

They already have five Sweetgreens.

Are you trying to vape that USB stick?

What? No.

Hello, Greta and new Greta.

I'm looking for someone to write an article

on this new celebrity diet drug, Mother.

Mother?

Rumor has it that before Dua Lipa went on it,

she was more of a Quattro-Lipa.

I can write it. Unless you want to.

No, this is good. This makes up for the time I played Gigi Van Tranh

in my high school production of Miss Saigon.

Are you sure you're up for it?

Mother is still under the FDA classification

of celebrity use only,

but if it doesn't kill anybody before awards season,

they'll accelerate approval.

Oh, I'll be fine.

A psychic told me how I was gonna die, and it's surprisingly not from drugs.

Great.

Take it over the weekend and have the report on my,

I believe it's called "desk,"

by Monday.

Huh.

I feel like my belly button is--

Erect. Yes.

Don't worry. It will only get harder.

I don't know, Eunice. Are you sure it's safe?

Are you kidding? I feel incredible.

Sure, my vision's a little blurry, and I have dry mouth,

and my eyebrows are on fire, and it hurts to hear stuff,

but I've never felt better.

Great news, everyone. I've decided to find an apartment.

That's great.

And you two are gonna help me look.

But... but I'm gay.

Look, I am brand new to the city and you've lived here for seven years.

Plus, every night you get high and watch Architectural Digest tours.

Hello, Architectural Digest.

I'm Cara Delevingne,

and this is the run-aground submarine I call home.

Ooh. This is a good one. She has a piano shaped like a nipple.

Please, you guys. I'm asking for your help.

I guess I can clear my schedule.

The last day of jury duty is usually just a pizza party, right?

She's so picky! She's going to take up all our time!

The sooner we help her, the sooner she's out of our hair.

Ugh. Fine.

Hey, have you seen my battery pack?

You left it at the gym.

I put it in your room. It's charging your vibrator as we speak.

You're so sweet.

It's rude to do telepathy in front of other people.

You and Mom and Dad use your secret language in front of us.

It's Mandarin, and you went to Chinese school for six years.

- You should know it too. - Oh, wait.

My friend Derek is a realtor. I'll send you his contact.

"Derek Equinox bathroom." Oh, gross!

Yes, we met in a gym bathroom, but it's not what you're thinking.

- We had anal sex. - That's exactly what I was thinking.

Well, you shouldn't think that. You're my sister.

Don't you think it's weird that every single person in your life

is just someone you've hooked up with?

Your lawyer, your landlord, all the flying monkeys in Wicked.

It's not my fault I have a raw sexual magnetism

and a fetish for getting great deals.

I'll set up some apartment viewings with Derek, and we'll join you.

Oh, and if you need a contractor,

you should talk to my friend "Ethan American Airlines Cockpit."

What?

So, Derek, to recap, I need a building with a doorman,

a terrace, walk-in closets, a view of Central Park.

It has to be child-friendly, but also have no children nearby.

And it needs to be post-war, meaning post-War On Terror.

Is your husband joining us?

Oh, God, no.

Warren and I have discreetly disengaged.

A phrase I just coined.

I will be living with my lover, Peter.

I'm his soulmate, his mentor, his silly rabbit.

- Aww, does he call you that? - No.

You're a good boy. Yes, you are.

Yo, dude, your dog is all slippery. Ow.

Eunice, are you okay?

I'm testing a new diet drug for work.

My blood's moving around really fast. Can you tell?

Andrew, are you sure you don't wanna take her vitals?

Oh, I'm not a doctor.

You're wearing a stethoscope.

It's a necklace.

Wha-wha-wha, I thought you guys knew each other.

Yeah, we only really know what each other's penises look like.

Okay, well, now that we're all here,

I'm happy to report that this building fits all of Ruthie's criteria. Shall we?

Oh! This place is stunning.

2,900 square feet, in-unit washer-dryer,

maids' quarters, state-of-the-art fitness center,

and if you don't like your view, once a year, they rotate the building.

I'll take it.

Ah, perfect!

And you're getting a great deal. It's only $52 million.

What do you have that's a little more in my price range?

I think this apartment is much more to your taste.

Very cozy.

Look, it has...

floor-to-ceiling walls.

Hey, think of how much you'll save on Windex.

This place rocks. I love how the ceiling is breathing in and out.

I feel like I'm in a coffin.

Oh, if you're open to coffins, I can get you one in Midtown for 3,300 a month.

There is a clump of hair in the kitchen sink.

This is unacceptable.

Oh, I think that's mine. My bad. Mm-hm.

I have one last unit we can view today, but please keep an open mind.

Okay, but the last time I kept an open mind,

I ended up at my ex-husband's adult a cappella concert.

Why you gotta be so rude?

Don't you know I'm human too?

Ugh. He added an eight-minute beatbox solo.

As you can see, this place has decent square footage,

all new appliances, a partial view of the city,

and it's firmly within your price range.

I just need a second opinion. One sec.

Let me just silence this. Sorry.

Damn it.

Oh, hi, Ruthie. This isn't a great time. You know, work.

I'm viewing apartments. I thought you'd wanna see the contenders.

Since you might be spending a lot of time here.

That's Peter, Ruthie's married boyfriend.

Married boyfriend? God, the straights are catching up.

So, what do you think of this place?

Uh-huh. Looks great, babe.

Is this room big enough for a nursery?

Yeah, totally.

Shit, was that a buoy or a seal?

This is just a really big decision, and I wanna make sure it's perfect.

Yep, I'm sure you'll pick the best boat.

- Apartment. - What?

- I'm looking for an apartment. - I don't have time for this.

Super busy, you know how it is.

Wait, is that a bachelorette party? Take your top off!

Peter's right.

I deserve the best.

This place isn't good enough.

Cool. Now both of my legs are vibrating.

Nope, getting a call. Hang on.

Hi, Jane.

If you're looking for your phone again, it's in your hand. You're talking into it.

No, it's not that this time.

I'm calling to check in on how Mother is going.

Oh, it's good. It's good.

One thing, I am starting to feel really tired,

and I'm tasting rusted metal all the time.

Mm-hm. Mouth blood. That's how you know it's working.

It's just, if my side effects get worse, I should stop, right?

Legally, I am required to tell you that you can stop at any point.

But I do see this as a sign of your dedication to Klerp.

I'd hate to have to give this opportunity to Greta instead.

Before I promoted her to assistant editor, she once took a bullet for me.

Oh my God!

A Nutribullet. She took it back to the store for me.

Shouldn't have phrased it like that.

But the store was in Jersey City, and I didn't have a receipt,

so it was a really hard task.

Do not worry.

I'll stick with Mother, even if it kills me.

Do you mind putting that in an email?

You haven't been listening to me at all.

This place doesn't have a gym, it's east-facing, not south,

and I'm pretty sure I saw an SNL cast member getting off the elevator.

- And what's wrong with that? - It was a featured player.

Ma'am, you are the most difficult client I have ever worked with,

and I was once pushed off a fire escape by Faye Dunaway.

Oh my God, iconic.

Andrew, we can work this out in the Equinox steam room

at 8:00 p.m. tomorrow.

I'll be in the red flip-flops.

Someone has an attitude problem.

Yes, you.

Lowering your standards is the only way to enjoy New York.

Last week, I saw Omarosa as Velma Kelly in Chicago.

She took a phone call during "All That Jazz,"

and we gave her a standing ovation.

Maybe you're right.

I might need to lower my standards a little.

Oh! I should look in your neighborhood! It has to be cheap.

I saw a Honda Accord parked outside of your building.

And you'll be close to me and can be on call to help when the baby comes.

Uh... our neighborhood?

Are you sure?

It's important to have some standards, right, Eunice?

Where's Eunice?

Ruthie cannot live near us. She's already here way too much.

I agree. Ruthie no good.

Keep sister far.

Eunice go towards the light.

Away from the light, Eunice. We've been over this. Focus.

I've come up with a plan that might fix things.

This seems complicated.

Oh, this is just a prop.

I used to hook up with the guy who did set dec for Homeland.

The plan is simple.

We take Ruthie on a tour of our neighborhood

and stage every interaction to make sure it's a bad one.

She'll hate this area so much she'll never wanna move here.

- How do you know these guys? - I used to date...

- Oh. All of them. - Oh my God, Andrew!

More exes? This is too important!

I'm just so happy to be included with all these exes.

And by the way, I have an idea. What if we did, as a group, a kiss?

First things first. Let's just get this out of the way.

Is anyone mad at me?

Good to know. Use that out there.

More details can be found on our shared Signal thread.

Signal? Isn't that the app for, like, planning wars?

Or for gay men to share their opinions

about prestige actresses they can't be on record about.

Oh my God, Scott just texted, "Allison Janney. She's tall. So what?"

So for the street-tough character who I've named Lorenzo,

could I get some more background?

What's his attachment style? What are his food allergies?

What's his position on Puerto Rican statehood?

- Is he friends with your doctor character? - I'm not a doctor. This is fashion.

Hm. I feel like that's muddying the scene.

Don't overthink it. Just be scary.

Got it, scary.

But, um, imperious scary, like Javert, or, uh, sexy scary, like Macavity?

Scary like when your doctor wants you to come in for your STI results in person.

Mm. Good note. Yeah, I'll play with it.

You hooked up with that guy too?

Not Tyler. God, I'm not a sex monster.

I hooked up with his husband. But they're open, I think, maybe.

Oh.

You guys were supposed to meet me at the subway.

Ruthie, we're excited to show you the places we love around here.

That's right. Places.

Ah! This area is actually really cute.

What's going on here?

So this is the new 32nd Avenue subway.

We should be done in 50, 60 years. Eighty tops.

Eighty tops? C'mon.

Well, I guess I didn't move here for the quiet.

Oh my God, what is that smell?

Excuse me, sir. What are you doing?

You've never heard of reverse trash day?

I'm required by the city to fill all these cans

with stinky fish carcasses from the docks.

Reverse trash day?

Yeah, Eric Adams said it came to him in a dream.

I guess you probably don't want to live in this neighborhood, huh?

No, no, let's keep looking.

It's like you said, I need to lower my standards.

I can be chill.

I am chill.

I am the chillest.

Ruthie, you stay here.

We're just going to dip into this bodega for a second.

It was held up three times this morning.

What's going on out there? Nothing fazes her.

Ugh.

Maybe we should just end this charade.

Why did we think we could stop a woman

who once got a written apology from Tim Cook

for getting rid of the headphone jack?

We can do this.

Let me just double up this next dose so I have the energy to continue.

Am I swallowing?

I feel like I'm swallowing.

You sure you don't want to look in another neighborhood?

I hear northeastern Pennsylvania is having a real renaissance.

Only two and a half hours door-to-door.

What the hell is this?

It's the community garden where our neighbors grow fresh produce.

So you're saying there is shared ownership of the land?

Yeah, the neighborhood association even provides gardening tools.

So the workers are allowed to own the means of production?

Ah!

This is socialism!

I won't stand for this. I don't even like fire departments.

My tax dollars are supposed to pay because you didn't put your cigarette out?

I know I need to lower my standards, but I can't live in this neighborhood.

Holy shit, I think we did it.

Yeah.

Just to recap, what did we do, and who are you?

I'm having trouble seeing more than a couple inches in front of my face.

No sudden moves, lady!

Hand over your pearls or I'll give you the slipper, see?

Oh no, you can't rob this poor woman

who has already decided she doesn't want to live here.

Maybe you should wrap it up and, uh, move along?

Stop flapping your gums or I'll--

Oh my God!

What the hell, Andrew? You promised me no combat scenes!

Wait, you know this guy? Who is he?

I'm Lorenzo, an avoidantly attached street thug with a gluten intolerance

who thinks there should never be more than 50 states!

Who stands in perfect ballet turnout?

Perfect? Why thank you.

Let me guess, he's one of your former hookups too?

Actually, I hooked up with his husband. They're open.

We're not.

They're not.

You hired actors to scare me off?

That's how much you don't want me around?

Fine! I guess I'll just leave you and Eunice alone forever.

Eunice?

Eunice, I said stay away from the light!

I'm okay--

Hm...

Huh?

Where am I?

Who are you?

I'm Hayley Williams, lead singer of Paramore,

and you're in the deepest recesses of your subconscious.

I shall be your guide.

Wait, really? How did I get you?

Remember that summer you worked at CVS?

"Ain't It Fun" played every hour in your store.

My song got so stuck in your head that it's now your most intrinsic memory.

Don't flatter yourself.

As Paramore once sang,

"What are you gonna do when the world don't orbit around you?"

You're right.

Come with me, Eunice.

I'd like to show you around your mind.

In each of these rooms lives a memory that is foundational to your very being.

To your left, you'll see that time Fergie did front flips on the Today show

while singing "Barracuda."

And to your right, you'll see the moment

where Tyra Banks pretended to have rabies on her talk show.

She won Emmys for that show.

Are all my memories of pop culture? Isn't there anything of, like, my family?

Oh, yeah. It's just way in the back.

Oh, here's a fun one.

You and Andrew trying to teach your Furby how to swear.

No, Furby. English!

Furby hungry.

We wouldn't let him eat until he said "ass."

He ended up starving to death. I love this memory.

No, Eunice, look. There's more.

Oh, are you guys seriously playing with baby toys? Grow up.

If you're just gonna make fun of us,

go put files in your briefcase or whatever grown-ups do.

Damn! She just called you a grown-up!

Did Ruthie feel left out? That's sad. But we were just kids.

It wasn't just that time. Look.

I'll look in your neighborhood.

That way, you'll be close to me

and can be on call to help when the baby comes.

Huh. So that's why Ruthie hangs around so much and gives us so much shit.

Because she wants to find a way to be included.

Wow, Eunice. You're so smart.

So insightful.

Thanks.

Are we vibing right now?

Ain't it fun

Living in the real world?

Nurse, get in here. My sister is coding.

Oh, she's not coding.

She's about to finish.

Yeah, Hayley Williams.

I should be nice to my sister.

Oh, yeah.

Right there.

Where were you?

I got roped into a transplant and never found a good time to tell them.

I didn't cut anything out, I only put stuff back!

Eunice, you were in a coma. Are you okay?

Any way to put me back for five minutes? I feel like I can get there in five.

Hi, I'm Dr. Piss. Yes, it's my birth name.

No, I do not want to talk about it.

Anyway, glad to see you're awake.

I must ask, how long exactly have you been undergoing cancer treatment?

You must have the wrong chart. Eunice doesn't have cancer.

Well, her labs show that she's taking a drug for it.

Cancer?

No, it's a diet drug called Mother.

This is a bag of expired chemotherapy. You were putting this into your body?

It wasn't that bad. And I lost a lot of weight and teeth.

- A few more days wouldn't hurt-- - Stop taking chemotherapy immediately.

Yep, copy that.

Well, now that I know you're okay, I'll get going.

Wouldn't want my siblings to have to hire more actors to get rid of me

because they hate me so much.

Ruthie, we don't hate you. We just don't like being around you.

Thanks.

No, Ruthie, it's okay.

When I was talking to Hayley Williams of Paramore inside my own mind...

Just let her go with it.

...I realized, yes, you're always on our case.

But maybe that's because you might be a little jealous of us.

Like when we'd play Furby and leave you out.

Please, I don't feel left out at all.

My credit score is double yours, combined.

I have Condoleezza Rice's phone number.

I mainly use it for prank calls, but I have it.

Ruthie, do you hear yourself?

This is the language of jealousy.

Yeah, Ruthie. I say this with love.

You're being a hysterical, crazy bitch right now.

Fine.

Maybe, theoretically, I am jealous that you are so similar.

Like you have the same celebrity hall pass.

Both of the Property Brothers at the same time.

Jonathan in the front, Drew hitting it from the back.

So, yes, maybe I would like to be included more,

and that's why I spend so much time at your place.

Does this mean you still wanna live in our neighborhood?

Oh God, no!

I saw a bunch of white people doing capoeira in the park.

I could never.

How about, as a compromise,

I find a place not too far away.

One subway stop.

Mm... Make it four.

- Two. - Express stops.

- One express, one local. Best and final. - Deal.

We got a code blue. Dr. Dang, we need you in triage.

- On it! Scrubbing in! - No.

Right, I am not a doctor.

But I can still grab some coffees for the nurses.

Nikki, oat milk, right?

This place doesn't have everything I want, but it's a start.

So you're telling me I turn this dial

and the temperature of the room changes to that number?

What is this, Hogwarts?

I can't believe you cook food in your underwear drawer.

You guys grew up in the suburbs.

You've experienced normal appliances before.

Real New Yorkers remember nothing before coming here.

Well, I'm glad it all worked out.

And thanks for getting your ex to help with the repairs.

Keys for new locks to keep out the filthy Moldovans.

Thanks, Yaroslav. What do I owe you?

For Andrew's sister, you pay nothing.

See you at nine for Drag Race All Stars.

I'll bring the potatoes.

He mostly eats raw potatoes.

Okay, guys, it's time to get moving. I need to get some work done.

Ooh! Can we supermarket sweep real quick?

Fine. I'm setting the timer for one minute.

Go!

Yes! Oh yes, that's mine.

- Oh my God, yogurt! - Mine!

Wow, Eunice, I love the hat.

Aw, thanks. My hair is still regrowing from the poison you made me take.

Well, it was worth it. People love your article,

"I tried chemo every day for two days, and here's what happened."

It has the most clicks in Klerp's history, Eunice.

Wow, more than

"You won't believe how disgusting this celebrity's wife looks now."

And because you did such a good job,

I'd like you to try another wellness treatment and write about it.

Uh...

I don't know. My body's still recovering.

This one is just reviewing a new Korean spa.

Oh, that's fine. That actually sounds kind of relaxing.

Perfect. It is in the Demilitarized Zone between North and South Korea,

and the US Embassy says you will be legally on your own.

I'll tell them you're in!

Can I have your daughter For the rest of my life?

Say yes, say yes 'Cause I need to know

You say I'll never get your blessing 'Til the day I die

Tough luck, my friend But no still means no

- Oh, why you gotta be so rude? - Be so rude

- Don't you know I'm human too? - A human too

- Why you gotta be so - Be so

- I'm gonna, I'm gonna, oh! - I'm gonna marry her anyway

Marry that girl, Ruthie!

Marry her anyway, Ruthie!

Marry that girl, Ruthie Marry her anyway

Marry that girl

And we'll be a family

So why you gotta be so-- Excuse me.

Rude?

Yeah

- Why you gotta be so cruel? - Attitude-y

- Oh, yeah, why you gotta be so rude? - Rude