Original subtitles

Welcome to the news show. MY NAME IS

Welcome to the news show. MY NAME IS

Welcome to the news show. MY NAME IS JOHN STO. GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

JOHN STO. GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

JOHN STO. GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. Later on, we are going to be joined by

Later on, we are going to be joined by

Later on, we are going to be joined by Governor Spencer Cox of Utah. He's got a

Governor Spencer Cox of Utah. He's got a

Governor Spencer Cox of Utah. He's got a new book out on how we can as a nation

new book out on how we can as a nation

new book out on how we can as a nation disagree

disagree

disagree more agreeably. And I will be the first

more agreeably. And I will be the first

more agreeably. And I will be the first to tell him to go himself.

to tell him to go himself.

to tell him to go himself. [cheering]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] That that can't be what's written. Hold

That that can't be what's written. Hold

That that can't be what's written. Hold on,

on,

on, folks. I am re-energized.

folks. I am re-energized.

folks. I am re-energized. We've been gone for the month

We've been gone for the month

We've been gone for the month for the entire MONTH OF AUGUST. I ASSUME

for the entire MONTH OF AUGUST. I ASSUME

for the entire MONTH OF AUGUST. I ASSUME the same for yourselves now that we are

the same for yourselves now that we are

the same for yourselves now that we are all as a country synced up on the French

all as a country synced up on the French

all as a country synced up on the French calendar. We all took the month off

calendar. We all took the month off

calendar. We all took the month off because I think we learned from

because I think we learned from

because I think we learned from experience. August is a dead zone.

experience. August is a dead zone.

experience. August is a dead zone. People are on vacation. The news ticker

People are on vacation. The news ticker

People are on vacation. The news ticker slows to a crawl. Just a series of black

slows to a crawl. Just a series of black

slows to a crawl. Just a series of black bear and swimming pool videos.

bear and swimming pool videos.

bear and swimming pool videos. So, I checked out,

rejuvenated,

rejuvenated,

rejuvenated, just out of a kind of morbid curiosity.

just out of a kind of morbid curiosity.

just out of a kind of morbid curiosity. Did I miss anything at all?

Did I miss anything at all?

Did I miss anything at all? >> President Trump rolling back decades of

>> President Trump rolling back decades of

>> President Trump rolling back decades of childhood vaccine guidance, threatening

childhood vaccine guidance, threatening

childhood vaccine guidance, threatening to demolish the Kennedy Center.

to demolish the Kennedy Center.

to demolish the Kennedy Center. >> Trump's attack on mail-in voting,

>> Trump's attack on mail-in voting,

>> Trump's attack on mail-in voting, suggesting that he'll take over the

suggesting that he'll take over the

suggesting that he'll take over the midterm elections. President Trump

midterm elections. President Trump

midterm elections. President Trump siding with North Korea.

siding with North Korea.

siding with North Korea. >> Crisis at sea aboard the USS Lincoln.

>> Crisis at sea aboard the USS Lincoln.

>> Crisis at sea aboard the USS Lincoln. >> Conditions so bad, there are reports of

>> Conditions so bad, there are reports of

>> Conditions so bad, there are reports of sailors attempting to jump overboard.

sailors attempting to jump overboard.

sailors attempting to jump overboard. Trump threatening to wipe out Iran,

Trump threatening to wipe out Iran,

Trump threatening to wipe out Iran, >> threatened to bomb Oman, a US ally,

>> threatened to bomb Oman, a US ally,

>> threatened to bomb Oman, a US ally, >> saying that he was going to use the US

>> saying that he was going to use the US

>> saying that he was going to use the US military against the bond market.

military against the bond market.

military against the bond market. >> NO. [screaming]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] OH, NO. I'M OLD AGAIN. [cheering]

OH, NO. I'M OLD AGAIN. [cheering]

OH, NO. I'M OLD AGAIN. [cheering] I'm I'm old. [applause]

I love that we thought I needed a beard

I love that we thought I needed a beard

I love that we thought I needed a beard to look old again.

Oh no.

Oh no.

Oh no. Pretty

Pretty

Pretty God. It never ends with this dude.

God. It never ends with this dude.

God. It never ends with this dude. Trump. I have never seen one person work

Trump. I have never seen one person work

Trump. I have never seen one person work so much and fix so little.

so much and fix so little.

so much and fix so little. It's exhausting in a way that's

It's exhausting in a way that's

It's exhausting in a way that's difficult to articulate. Which is why

difficult to articulate. Which is why

difficult to articulate. Which is why one of the stories from this past August

one of the stories from this past August

one of the stories from this past August did resonate with me so much more

did resonate with me so much more

did resonate with me so much more deeply. And that's the plight of the USS

deeply. And that's the plight of the USS

deeply. And that's the plight of the USS Lincoln.

Lincoln.

Lincoln. >> 5,000 US sailors and marines serving on

>> 5,000 US sailors and marines serving on

>> 5,000 US sailors and marines serving on the USS Lincoln, stepping on dry land

the USS Lincoln, stepping on dry land

the USS Lincoln, stepping on dry land for the first time in more than 9

for the first time in more than 9

for the first time in more than 9 months. The once gleaming aircraft

months. The once gleaming aircraft

months. The once gleaming aircraft carrier docking in Thailand after 286

carrier docking in Thailand after 286

carrier docking in Thailand after 286 days at sea, covered in rust after a

days at sea, covered in rust after a

days at sea, covered in rust after a record setting deployment. Do you see

record setting deployment. Do you see

record setting deployment. Do you see it? Look, look,

it? Look, look,

it? Look, look, look carefully.

look carefully.

look carefully. Do you see? Let's do the before. LET'S

Do you see? Let's do the before. LET'S

Do you see? Let's do the before. LET'S DO THE AFTER. Do you see the metaphor?

DO THE AFTER. Do you see the metaphor?

DO THE AFTER. Do you see the metaphor? This ship.

This ship.

This ship. A SYMBOL OF AMERICAN MIGHT, INGENUITY,

A SYMBOL OF AMERICAN MIGHT, INGENUITY,

A SYMBOL OF AMERICAN MIGHT, INGENUITY, TECHNICAL KNOWHOW, PATRIOTIC

TECHNICAL KNOWHOW, PATRIOTIC

TECHNICAL KNOWHOW, PATRIOTIC DETERMINATION, laid low by prolonged

DETERMINATION, laid low by prolonged

DETERMINATION, laid low by prolonged exposure to relentless, corrosive

exposure to relentless, corrosive

exposure to relentless, corrosive elements, reckless mismanagement. This

elements, reckless mismanagement. This

elements, reckless mismanagement. This ship, DO YOU SEE?

ship, DO YOU SEE?

ship, DO YOU SEE? IT'S NOT THE USS LINCOLN. IT'S NOT. It's

IT'S NOT THE USS LINCOLN. IT'S NOT. It's

IT'S NOT THE USS LINCOLN. IT'S NOT. It's just us. It's just it's us.

just us. It's just it's us.

just us. It's just it's us. [laughter]

We're the ship.

We're the ship.

We're the ship. This is what we look like

This is what we look like

This is what we look like as Americans

as Americans

as Americans inside

inside

inside after 18 months of this presidency.

after 18 months of this presidency.

after 18 months of this presidency. Warn. And by the way, we don't get the

Warn. And by the way, we don't get the

Warn. And by the way, we don't get the oneweek tai sex trip to try and paper it

oneweek tai sex trip to try and paper it

oneweek tai sex trip to try and paper it all over.

all over.

all over. We just have to suck it up. I want you

We just have to suck it up. I want you

We just have to suck it up. I want you to look at the picture OF THIS RUSTED.

to look at the picture OF THIS RUSTED.

to look at the picture OF THIS RUSTED. LOOK [screaming] AT IT.

LOOK [screaming] AT IT.

LOOK [screaming] AT IT. Don't look away. I want you to think

Don't look away. I want you to think

Don't look away. I want you to think about the visible, tangible, actual,

about the visible, tangible, actual,

about the visible, tangible, actual, indisputable, factual signs of corrosion

indisputable, factual signs of corrosion

indisputable, factual signs of corrosion on this ship. This is the president

on this ship. This is the president

on this ship. This is the president discussing it.

discussing it.

discussing it. >> People on the Lincoln, they say it's

>> People on the Lincoln, they say it's

>> People on the Lincoln, they say it's beautifully maintained and beautifully

beautifully maintained and beautifully

beautifully maintained and beautifully taken care of.

taken care of.

taken care of. It's not.

It's not.

It's not. It is obviously not.

It is obviously not.

It is obviously not. Look at it.

Look at it.

Look at it. Look at my precious.

Look at my precious.

Look at my precious. The actual Abraham Lincoln is in better

The actual Abraham Lincoln is in better

The actual Abraham Lincoln is in better shape than this chip.

shape than this chip.

shape than this chip. [applause and cheering]

BEAUTIFUL.

[cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering] >> [applause]

>> A beautifully maintained, beautifully

>> A beautifully maintained, beautifully

>> A beautifully maintained, beautifully taken care of ship doesn't look like the

taken care of ship doesn't look like the

taken care of ship doesn't look like the abandoned bridge near my high school

abandoned bridge near my high school

abandoned bridge near my high school where we used to smoke weed. It doesn't.

where we used to smoke weed. It doesn't.

where we used to smoke weed. It doesn't. And it's this the relentless denial of

And it's this the relentless denial of

And it's this the relentless denial of reality that is just one of the elements

reality that is just one of the elements

reality that is just one of the elements eating away at the foundational

eating away at the foundational

eating away at the foundational loadbearing structures that hold this

loadbearing structures that hold this

loadbearing structures that hold this country together. us and the other

country together. us and the other

country together. us and the other corrosive element by God, the other the

corrosive element by God, the other the

corrosive element by God, the other the memes.

memes.

memes. Make it stop.

Make it stop.

Make it stop. >> Overnight, the trade war with Canada

>> Overnight, the trade war with Canada

>> Overnight, the trade war with Canada continuing to escalate.

continuing to escalate.

continuing to escalate. >> President Trump hosting a hockey cartoon

>> President Trump hosting a hockey cartoon

>> President Trump hosting a hockey cartoon mocking Canadian Prime Minister Mark

mocking Canadian Prime Minister Mark

mocking Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney as governor.

Carney as governor.

Carney as governor. What the

What the

What the [laughter and cheering]

[laughter and cheering]

[laughter and cheering] First of all, I can't believe AI has

First of all, I can't believe AI has

First of all, I can't believe AI has gotten so advanced it can fit Trump's

gotten so advanced it can fit Trump's

gotten so advanced it can fit Trump's ankles into ice skates. That's not

ankles into ice skates. That's not

ankles into ice skates. That's not That's not real. [cheering]

That's not real. [cheering]

That's not real. [cheering] That can't be right. [applause] The

That can't be right. [applause] The

That can't be right. [applause] The computer generated. Yeah, we're in a

computer generated. Yeah, we're in a

computer generated. Yeah, we're in a full-blown trade war with Canada. Real

full-blown trade war with Canada. Real

full-blown trade war with Canada. Real consequences. Here's what they're

consequences. Here's what they're

consequences. Here's what they're hearing from their leader.

hearing from their leader.

hearing from their leader. >> In the face of unjustified, unprovoked

>> In the face of unjustified, unprovoked

>> In the face of unjustified, unprovoked tariffs from the United States. We're

tariffs from the United States. We're

tariffs from the United States. We're stepping up. When we're united, there's

stepping up. When we're united, there's

stepping up. When we're united, there's nothing the Canadian workers can't do.

nothing the Canadian workers can't do.

nothing the Canadian workers can't do. [snorts]

[snorts]

[snorts] >> Jesus.

>> Jesus.

>> Jesus. Here's what we're getting.

Here's what we're getting.

Here's what we're getting. >> So, Lake Ontario, that's gone. Lake

America. Thank you very much, everybody.

America. Thank you very much, everybody.

America. Thank you very much, everybody. Enjoy Lake America.

You You CAN'T THAT'S NOT HOW things

You You CAN'T THAT'S NOT HOW things

You You CAN'T THAT'S NOT HOW things work. You don't settle COMPLICATED

work. You don't settle COMPLICATED

work. You don't settle COMPLICATED INTERNATIONAL AGREEMENTS BY WRITING just

INTERNATIONAL AGREEMENTS BY WRITING just

INTERNATIONAL AGREEMENTS BY WRITING just a new name on the map.

a new name on the map.

a new name on the map. and expecting everyone to just follow

and expecting everyone to just follow

and expecting everyone to just follow along.

along.

along. >> Google Maps is complying with President

>> Google Maps is complying with President

>> Google Maps is complying with President Trump's executive order renaming Lake

Trump's executive order renaming Lake

Trump's executive order renaming Lake Ontario to Lake America.

[cheering]

I CAN FEEL THE RUST EATING ME.

I CAN FEEL THE RUST EATING ME.

I CAN FEEL THE RUST EATING ME. Canada's our second largest trading

Canada's our second largest trading

Canada's our second largest trading partner. 60% of our oil imports come

partner. 60% of our oil imports come

partner. 60% of our oil imports come from Canada. Half of our timber. We get

from Canada. Half of our timber. We get

from Canada. Half of our timber. We get parts for cars and plane. Not to mention

parts for cars and plane. Not to mention

parts for cars and plane. Not to mention 100% of our Carly Rays Jeepson.

Why would we be trolling them? Is that

Why would we be trolling them? Is that

Why would we be trolling them? Is that the plan to troll them into submission?

the plan to troll them into submission?

the plan to troll them into submission? Treasury Secretary Scott Best, surely

Treasury Secretary Scott Best, surely

Treasury Secretary Scott Best, surely you have a more substantive

you have a more substantive

you have a more substantive understanding of the Canada, United

understanding of the Canada, United

understanding of the Canada, United States dynamic.

States dynamic.

States dynamic. >> How do you see all of this playing out?

>> How do you see all of this playing out?

>> How do you see all of this playing out? Well, you know, Laura, the uh I had a

Well, you know, Laura, the uh I had a

Well, you know, Laura, the uh I had a German Shepherd and the there was a

German Shepherd and the there was a

German Shepherd and the there was a dachshund that used to antagonize her at

dachshund that used to antagonize her at

dachshund that used to antagonize her at the play at at the playground.

the play at at the playground.

the play at at the playground. [laughter]

Oh, yes. The playground,

Oh, yes. The playground,

Oh, yes. The playground, as dog people famously refer to the

as dog people famously refer to the

as dog people famously refer to the place they take their dogs to play. Yes.

place they take their dogs to play. Yes.

place they take their dogs to play. Yes. saw my shepherd friend and I were

saw my shepherd friend and I were

saw my shepherd friend and I were enjoying a sphere retrieval session at

enjoying a sphere retrieval session at

enjoying a sphere retrieval session at the playground.

the playground.

the playground. You know, dogs are truly one of man's

You know, dogs are truly one of man's

You know, dogs are truly one of man's closest associates.

closest associates.

closest associates. [laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] But carry on with your trenchant

But carry on with your trenchant

But carry on with your trenchant completely real story analogy. And the

completely real story analogy. And the

completely real story analogy. And the this little little yippy dog they uh

this little little yippy dog they uh

this little little yippy dog they uh used to just like bark away and you know

used to just like bark away and you know

used to just like bark away and you know for for a long time 110 lb German

for for a long time 110 lb German

for for a long time 110 lb German shepherd was it was ignoring uh the

shepherd was it was ignoring uh the

shepherd was it was ignoring uh the dachshund and then one day she'd had

dachshund and then one day she'd had

dachshund and then one day she'd had enough and unfortunately Prime Minister

enough and unfortunately Prime Minister

enough and unfortunately Prime Minister Carney did walk away.

[laughter]

Is it weird that the Treasury Secretary

Is it weird that the Treasury Secretary

Is it weird that the Treasury Secretary is at some sort of Germanonly dog

is at some sort of Germanonly dog

is at some sort of Germanonly dog playground?

THE GERMANS HAVE the dogs.

THEY'RE JOINED BY THE SCHNEDER BY

THEY'RE JOINED BY THE SCHNEDER BY

THEY'RE JOINED BY THE SCHNEDER BY MELINA.

MELINA.

MELINA. THEY CAN ENTER. BUT THIS DOODLE IS A

THEY CAN ENTER. BUT THIS DOODLE IS A

THEY CAN ENTER. BUT THIS DOODLE IS A MUCH IS A MONGREL.

MUCH IS A MONGREL.

MUCH IS A MONGREL. A MIXED BREED DOODLE. UNCLEAN.

Sorry Germany, you brought these jokes

Sorry Germany, you brought these jokes

Sorry Germany, you brought these jokes back yourself. [laughter]

back yourself. [laughter]

back yourself. [laughter] >> But seriously, who is the United States

>> But seriously, who is the United States

>> But seriously, who is the United States in this analogy anyway? Are we the

in this analogy anyway? Are we the

in this analogy anyway? Are we the dachshund? Are we the shepherd? Did

dachshund? Are we the shepherd? Did

dachshund? Are we the shepherd? Did Canada walk away from the deal? Were we

Canada walk away from the deal? Were we

Canada walk away from the deal? Were we the ones who blew up the deal with

the ones who blew up the deal with

the ones who blew up the deal with lastminute stuff?

lastminute stuff?

lastminute stuff? >> I spoke to President Trump over the

>> I spoke to President Trump over the

>> I spoke to President Trump over the weekend after the breakdown in

weekend after the breakdown in

weekend after the breakdown in negotiations with Canada. He did not

negotiations with Canada. He did not

negotiations with Canada. He did not dispute that the US added conditions

dispute that the US added conditions

dispute that the US added conditions late in the talks. He said, quote, "That

late in the talks. He said, quote, "That

late in the talks. He said, quote, "That sounds like me." End quote.

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] That sounds like me.

That sounds like me.

That sounds like me. That sounds like me. Uh, yeah, that

That sounds like me. Uh, yeah, that

That sounds like me. Uh, yeah, that sounds like me. It just happened. This

sounds like me. It just happened. This

sounds like me. It just happened. This isn't some story from the frat days

isn't some story from the frat days

isn't some story from the frat days where you're like, "Woke up in a pool of

where you're like, "Woke up in a pool of

where you're like, "Woke up in a pool of my own vomit in a trade war with

my own vomit in a trade war with

my own vomit in a trade war with Canada." Yeah, I guess that sounds like

Canada." Yeah, I guess that sounds like

Canada." Yeah, I guess that sounds like me. But I'm married now. Settle down.

me. But I'm married now. Settle down.

me. But I'm married now. Settle down. But in those days, man, me and the boys

But in those days, man, me and the boys

But in those days, man, me and the boys sure could derail a negotiation.

God, can you just feel the metal

God, can you just feel the metal

God, can you just feel the metal buckling on our starboard side?

buckling on our starboard side?

buckling on our starboard side? But with the trade war now here, the

But with the trade war now here, the

But with the trade war now here, the news media has been quick to jump in and

news media has been quick to jump in and

news media has been quick to jump in and explain what's at stake.

explain what's at stake.

explain what's at stake. >> Americans are now facing higher prices.

>> Americans are now facing higher prices.

>> Americans are now facing higher prices. Some examples, milk, honey, smartphones,

Some examples, milk, honey, smartphones,

Some examples, milk, honey, smartphones, liquor, and even wigs and fake beards.

liquor, and even wigs and fake beards.

liquor, and even wigs and fake beards. [laughter]

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

[cheering and applause]

[cheering and applause] Oh, beardy.

I'll never let them take you.

I'll never let them take you.

I'll never let them take you. BUT HEY, MAN. CANADA. IT'S ABOUT TIME

BUT HEY, MAN. CANADA. IT'S ABOUT TIME

BUT HEY, MAN. CANADA. IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU LEARNED A LESSON, CANADA. That's

YOU LEARNED A LESSON, CANADA. That's

YOU LEARNED A LESSON, CANADA. That's right. Don't AROUND AND YET STILL

right. Don't AROUND AND YET STILL

right. Don't AROUND AND YET STILL HAVE TO FIND OUT for some reason.

HAVE TO FIND OUT for some reason.

HAVE TO FIND OUT for some reason. I mean, if you think Canada got raped

I mean, if you think Canada got raped

I mean, if you think Canada got raped over the coals, Steve Witkoff and Jared

over the coals, Steve Witkoff and Jared

over the coals, Steve Witkoff and Jared Kushner headed to Russia to let Vladimir

Kushner headed to Russia to let Vladimir

Kushner headed to Russia to let Vladimir Putin know what we thought of their war

Putin know what we thought of their war

Putin know what we thought of their war of aggression in Ukraine. Yeah, WHO'S

of aggression in Ukraine. Yeah, WHO'S

of aggression in Ukraine. Yeah, WHO'S THE DOCUND IN THAT ROOM?

THE DOCUND IN THAT ROOM?

THE DOCUND IN THAT ROOM? >> SO, first of all, President Putin, thank

>> SO, first of all, President Putin, thank

>> SO, first of all, President Putin, thank you. Thank you so much for having us. We

you. Thank you so much for having us. We

you. Thank you so much for having us. We were um sitting outside just now, me,

were um sitting outside just now, me,

were um sitting outside just now, me, Jared, and Carol, and then Yuri joined

Jared, and Carol, and then Yuri joined

Jared, and Carol, and then Yuri joined us, and we were all talking about uh

us, and we were all talking about uh

us, and we were all talking about uh when we retire, we'll have all these

when we retire, we'll have all these

when we retire, we'll have all these incredible stories and incredible

incredible stories and incredible

incredible stories and incredible memories, and yours will be right at the

memories, and yours will be right at the

memories, and yours will be right at the top of it all.

[laughter]

Jared and I just want to thank you.

Jared and I just want to thank you.

Jared and I just want to thank you. This has been the best semester abroad.

[laughter]

I said I wasn't gonna do this. The best

I said I wasn't gonna do this. The best

I said I wasn't gonna do this. The best semester abroad Jared and I could have

semester abroad Jared and I could have

semester abroad Jared and I could have ever asked for. And by the way, what

ever asked for. And by the way, what

ever asked for. And by the way, what the's going on with Jared?

the's going on with Jared?

the's going on with Jared? He looks like he pre-poisoned himself.

He looks like he pre-poisoned himself.

He looks like he pre-poisoned himself. [laughter]

What's that? Do you really tell he lives

What's that? Do you really tell he lives

What's that? Do you really tell he lives in Miami full time now?

BY THE WAY, WHY ARE WE EVEN OVER THERE

BY THE WAY, WHY ARE WE EVEN OVER THERE

BY THE WAY, WHY ARE WE EVEN OVER THERE negotiating with him? Why can't Trump

negotiating with him? Why can't Trump

negotiating with him? Why can't Trump justing get out the old one two here?

justing get out the old one two here?

justing get out the old one two here? Why can't he just look at that and go

Why can't he just look at that and go

Why can't he just look at that and go like, "Oh, you know what we should do?

like, "Oh, you know what we should do?

like, "Oh, you know what we should do? Just Oh, here's what we'll do."

Just Oh, here's what we'll do."

Just Oh, here's what we'll do." And we'll call it Love is Stan. Oh,

And we'll call it Love is Stan. Oh,

And we'll call it Love is Stan. Oh, there we go. IT'S ALL FIXED. YOU SEEING

there we go. IT'S ALL FIXED. YOU SEEING

there we go. IT'S ALL FIXED. YOU SEEING THIS GOOGLE?

>> [applause]

[cheering]

[applause]

[applause]

[applause] >> NOW, I know that the naysayers out there

>> NOW, I know that the naysayers out there

>> NOW, I know that the naysayers out there are all going to go, "Oh, oh, BUT THAT

are all going to go, "Oh, oh, BUT THAT

are all going to go, "Oh, oh, BUT THAT THING YOU DREW, JOHN, THAT'S NOT REAL.

THING YOU DREW, JOHN, THAT'S NOT REAL.

THING YOU DREW, JOHN, THAT'S NOT REAL. IT'S not real." But isn't that the

IT'S not real." But isn't that the

IT'S not real." But isn't that the trick? Isn't that the whole game that's

trick? Isn't that the whole game that's

trick? Isn't that the whole game that's keeping this incompetent ship of fools

keeping this incompetent ship of fools

keeping this incompetent ship of fools of an administration afloat?

of an administration afloat?

of an administration afloat? You've been filling up your tank these

You've been filling up your tank these

You've been filling up your tank these past six months, probably feeling like

past six months, probably feeling like

past six months, probably feeling like gas prices are high. WELL, JOKES'S ON

gas prices are high. WELL, JOKES'S ON

gas prices are high. WELL, JOKES'S ON YOU.

YOU.

YOU. >> HOW MUCH LONGER will Americans continue

>> HOW MUCH LONGER will Americans continue

>> HOW MUCH LONGER will Americans continue to see these high gas prices?

to see these high gas prices?

to see these high gas prices? >> Well, they're not very high.

>> You think they're high? They're not

>> You think they're high? They're not

>> You think they're high? They're not high. They're actually gas gaslighting

high. They're actually gas gaslighting

high. They're actually gas gaslighting us.

us.

us. And you may say, "Oh, oh, but you know

And you may say, "Oh, oh, but you know

And you may say, "Oh, oh, but you know what? Even Trump can only stave off

what? Even Trump can only stave off

what? Even Trump can only stave off reality for so long that the cumulative

reality for so long that the cumulative

reality for so long that the cumulative effects of high prices and punitive and

effects of high prices and punitive and

effects of high prices and punitive and chaotic tariffs and reckless wars and

chaotic tariffs and reckless wars and

chaotic tariffs and reckless wars and narcissistic self agrandisement will

narcissistic self agrandisement will

narcissistic self agrandisement will take an inevitable toll that cannot be

take an inevitable toll that cannot be

take an inevitable toll that cannot be denied. AND YET AND YET [screaming]

denied. AND YET AND YET [screaming]

denied. AND YET AND YET [screaming] THAT'S WELLMAINTAINED.

THAT'S WELLMAINTAINED.

THAT'S WELLMAINTAINED. >> Every presidency in a second term his

>> Every presidency in a second term his

>> Every presidency in a second term his poll numbers usually start to decline

poll numbers usually start to decline

poll numbers usually start to decline and he starts to weaken. And

and he starts to weaken. And

and he starts to weaken. And that's happening to you. No, it's not.

that's happening to you. No, it's not.

that's happening to you. No, it's not. >> Uh, fake polls. I have great poll

>> Uh, fake polls. I have great poll

>> Uh, fake polls. I have great poll numbers.

>> You have great poll numbers. Sure.

>> You have great poll numbers. Sure.

>> You have great poll numbers. Sure. Presidential polls are scored on a scale

Presidential polls are scored on a scale

Presidential polls are scored on a scale of 1 to 30, right? At 32, you're killing

of 1 to 30, right? At 32, you're killing

of 1 to 30, right? At 32, you're killing it. And by the way, where does Trump get

it. And by the way, where does Trump get

it. And by the way, where does Trump get the idea that his policies are having a

the idea that his policies are having a

the idea that his policies are having a positive impact?

positive impact?

positive impact? >> I have people coming up to me that have

>> I have people coming up to me that have

>> I have people coming up to me that have 401ks. They said, you know, I was a

401ks. They said, you know, I was a

401ks. They said, you know, I was a disaster. My family wouldn't talk to me.

disaster. My family wouldn't talk to me.

disaster. My family wouldn't talk to me. They thought I was a total loser and now

They thought I was a total loser and now

They thought I was a total loser and now I'm like uh the one guy said I feel like

I'm like uh the one guy said I feel like

I'm like uh the one guy said I feel like Warren Buffett.

Warren Buffett.

Warren Buffett. Oh, I I see. Trump gets it from

Oh, I I see. Trump gets it from

Oh, I I see. Trump gets it from fictional interactions

fictional interactions

fictional interactions from people whose families had cut them

from people whose families had cut them

from people whose families had cut them off because of portfolio performance

off because of portfolio performance

off because of portfolio performance issues.

issues.

issues. I went no contact with my parents

I went no contact with my parents

I went no contact with my parents because the underperforming index funds

because the underperforming index funds

because the underperforming index funds are toxic.

are toxic.

are toxic. And you may say that you don't know that

And you may say that you don't know that

And you may say that you don't know that these interactions didn't happen. Oh,

these interactions didn't happen. Oh,

these interactions didn't happen. Oh, but we do, friends. We do. We know. By

but we do, friends. We do. We know. By

but we do, friends. We do. We know. By the way, Trump describes the

the way, Trump describes the

the way, Trump describes the interactions. Every day I come to the

interactions. Every day I come to the

interactions. Every day I come to the White House, people are thanking me.

White House, people are thanking me.

White House, people are thanking me. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Thank you,

Thank you, sir. Thank you. Thank you,

Thank you, sir. Thank you. Thank you, sir.

sir.

First of all, you don't come to the

First of all, you don't come to the

First of all, you don't come to the White House. You live there.

White House. You live there.

White House. You live there. [laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] You don't come to THE WHITE HOUSE EVERY

You don't come to THE WHITE HOUSE EVERY

You don't come to THE WHITE HOUSE EVERY DAY. YOUR commute is stairs

DAY. YOUR commute is stairs

DAY. YOUR commute is stairs and anybody you run into works there.

and anybody you run into works there.

and anybody you run into works there. [laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] But I'll let you continue describing the

But I'll let you continue describing the

But I'll let you continue describing the regular folk you run into on your way to

regular folk you run into on your way to

regular folk you run into on your way to work.

work.

work. >> No, these young, beautiful girls. These

>> No, these young, beautiful girls. These

>> No, these young, beautiful girls. These young, beautiful girls. These young,

young, beautiful girls. These young,

young, beautiful girls. These young, beautiful girls in the White House.

beautiful girls in the White House.

beautiful girls in the White House. >> What's with the three times?

>> What's with the three times?

>> What's with the three times? You trying to BE JUICE THIS

You trying to BE JUICE THIS

You trying to BE JUICE THIS Tell us again.

Tell us again.

Tell us again. No, [cheering] I I mean it.

No, [cheering] I I mean it.

No, [cheering] I I mean it. Tell us again. What do all the young,

Tell us again. What do all the young,

Tell us again. What do all the young, beautiful girls that you run into on

beautiful girls that you run into on

beautiful girls that you run into on your commute to the White House? From

your commute to the White House? From

your commute to the White House? From the White House, what do they tell you?

the White House, what do they tell you?

the White House, what do they tell you? These gorgeous, beautiful girls, they

These gorgeous, beautiful girls, they

These gorgeous, beautiful girls, they they want to be safe and they come. M.

they want to be safe and they come. M.

they want to be safe and they come. M. Mr. President, may I speak to you? Yes.

Mr. President, may I speak to you? Yes.

Mr. President, may I speak to you? Yes. Thank you, sir. Thank you. I said, why

Thank you, sir. Thank you. I said, why

Thank you, sir. Thank you. I said, why are you thanking me? Because a year and

are you thanking me? Because a year and

are you thanking me? Because a year and a half ago, I was afraid to leave. I was

a half ago, I was afraid to leave. I was

a half ago, I was afraid to leave. I was afraid to open the door of my apartment

afraid to open the door of my apartment

afraid to open the door of my apartment and now I walk to the White House every

and now I walk to the White House every

and now I walk to the White House every morning and I have absolutely no fear.

morning and I have absolutely no fear.

morning and I have absolutely no fear. Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir. >> Well, that is true. I was It was pretty

>> Well, that is true. I was It was pretty

>> Well, that is true. I was It was pretty chaotic around the White House a while

chaotic around the White House a while

chaotic around the White House a while back. I do remember that. [laughter]

But Trump, Trump cleaned all that up.

But Trump, Trump cleaned all that up.

But Trump, Trump cleaned all that up. This is fine. Let's say back in the

This is fine. Let's say back in the

This is fine. Let's say back in the city. Look, [applause]

city. Look, [applause]

city. Look, [applause] there is a part of me, I have to say,

there is a part of me, I have to say,

there is a part of me, I have to say, that thinks fighting his reality

that thinks fighting his reality

that thinks fighting his reality distortion field is slowly killing us

distortion field is slowly killing us

distortion field is slowly killing us all. Is rusting us out from the inside

all. Is rusting us out from the inside

all. Is rusting us out from the inside like that poor battleship.

like that poor battleship.

like that poor battleship. Maybe living in it is better. Maybe it's

Maybe living in it is better. Maybe it's

Maybe living in it is better. Maybe it's just better to be the guy in the matrix

just better to be the guy in the matrix

just better to be the guy in the matrix going, I don't know, blue pill's not so

going, I don't know, blue pill's not so

going, I don't know, blue pill's not so bad. Reality has stake. Not one. But I

bad. Reality has stake. Not one. But I

bad. Reality has stake. Not one. But I know too much. How do I even get there?

know too much. How do I even get there?

know too much. How do I even get there? Who would even give me the blue pill?

Who would even give me the blue pill?

Who would even give me the blue pill? She's one of President Trump's closest

She's one of President Trump's closest

She's one of President Trump's closest aids, Natalie Harp.

aids, Natalie Harp.

aids, Natalie Harp. >> Harp's nickname is the human printer

>> Harp's nickname is the human printer

>> Harp's nickname is the human printer because she follows the president

because she follows the president

because she follows the president everywhere with a laptop and printer

everywhere with a laptop and printer

everywhere with a laptop and printer feeding him a steady stream of positive

feeding him a steady stream of positive

feeding him a steady stream of positive news stories. Yes, Donald Trump has an

news stories. Yes, Donald Trump has an

news stories. Yes, Donald Trump has an individual whose whole job is to

individual whose whole job is to

individual whose whole job is to reinforce his warped reality. And if you

reinforce his warped reality. And if you

reinforce his warped reality. And if you think you might go into that field and

think you might go into that field and

think you might go into that field and we're wondering what kind of

we're wondering what kind of

we're wondering what kind of qualifications you might need, buckle

qualifications you might need, buckle

qualifications you might need, buckle up. an aid so devoted that she sprints

up. an aid so devoted that she sprints

up. an aid so devoted that she sprints alongside his golf cart when he's out on

alongside his golf cart when he's out on

alongside his golf cart when he's out on the links.

the links.

the links. >> She once jumped in the trunk of an SUV

>> She once jumped in the trunk of an SUV

>> She once jumped in the trunk of an SUV to ensure she would be able to be with

to ensure she would be able to be with

to ensure she would be able to be with the president for a court appearance

the president for a court appearance

the president for a court appearance when there weren't enough seats in the

when there weren't enough seats in the

when there weren't enough seats in the motorcade.

motorcade.

motorcade. >> Reportedly slept in in the Bedminster

>> Reportedly slept in in the Bedminster

>> Reportedly slept in in the Bedminster women's locker room to be closer to

women's locker room to be closer to

women's locker room to be closer to Trump. Wrote him letters that can only

Trump. Wrote him letters that can only

Trump. Wrote him letters that can only be described as love letters.

be described as love letters.

be described as love letters. >> Quote, "I never want to bring you

>> Quote, "I never want to bring you

>> Quote, "I never want to bring you anything but joy.

anything but joy.

anything but joy. For the sake of my own sanity, I'm going

For the sake of my own sanity, I'm going

For the sake of my own sanity, I'm going to pretend that's referring to the

to pretend that's referring to the

to pretend that's referring to the dishwashing liquid.

This is unbelievable. The outside world

This is unbelievable. The outside world

This is unbelievable. The outside world is somehow fed into this woman, a single

is somehow fed into this woman, a single

is somehow fed into this woman, a single conduit, and from there, she is the

conduit, and from there, she is the

conduit, and from there, she is the filter to all of the information that is

filter to all of the information that is

filter to all of the information that is directly fed into Donald Trump's psyche.

directly fed into Donald Trump's psyche.

directly fed into Donald Trump's psyche. And by the way, Natalie Harp had

And by the way, Natalie Harp had

And by the way, Natalie Harp had repeatedly declined to get security

repeatedly declined to get security

repeatedly declined to get security clearances. Can we even trust her?

clearances. Can we even trust her?

clearances. Can we even trust her? Well, decide for yourselves

Well, decide for yourselves

Well, decide for yourselves because tonight

because tonight

because tonight here on the Daily Show, we are

here on the Daily Show, we are

here on the Daily Show, we are premiering exclusive footage. We

premiering exclusive footage. We

premiering exclusive footage. We lived with Natalie Harp [laughter] and

lived with Natalie Harp [laughter] and

lived with Natalie Harp [laughter] and the president for a month to determine

the president for a month to determine

the president for a month to determine what their relationship was really like.

what their relationship was really like.

what their relationship was really like. Let's take a quick preview.

Why would I deceive you? [music]

Why would I deceive you? [music]

Why would I deceive you? [music] >> There's no

>> There's no

>> There's no there's no reason for me to do that.

[cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering] [applause]

>> I mean, I guess I want that. I mean, but

>> I mean, I guess I want that. I mean, but

>> I mean, I guess I want that. I mean, but who would do that for me?

who would do that for me?

who would do that for me? >> I'll do it.

>> I'll do it.

>> I'll do it. >> WAIT, WHAT? RONNIE CHANG. [cheering]

WHAT? [applause]

WHAT? [applause]

WHAT? [applause] RONNIE,

RONNIE,

RONNIE, this is unbelievable.

this is unbelievable.

this is unbelievable. [applause]

[applause]

[applause] >> Thank you, man. [cheering]

>> Thank you, man. [cheering]

>> Thank you, man. [cheering] Ronnie, turn everybody. Ronnie,

Ronnie, turn everybody. Ronnie,

Ronnie, turn everybody. Ronnie, [cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering] >> Ronnie, you you'll be my Natalie.

>> Ronnie, you you'll be my Natalie.

>> Ronnie, you you'll be my Natalie. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. I want to bring

>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. I want to bring

>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. I want to bring you joy. You're

you joy. You're

you joy. You're >> you're my everything or whatever.

>> you're my everything or whatever.

>> you're my everything or whatever. [laughter]

And you were just standing back there

And you were just standing back there

And you were just standing back there with a printer?

with a printer?

with a printer? >> Yeah. What? You think I was uh stealing

>> Yeah. What? You think I was uh stealing

>> Yeah. What? You think I was uh stealing a printer to make flyers for a show I'm

a printer to make flyers for a show I'm

a printer to make flyers for a show I'm doing? That That That's racist.

doing? That That That's racist.

doing? That That That's racist. >> Wait, how is that racist?

>> Wait, how is that racist?

>> Wait, how is that racist? >> Oh, wait. Good news coming in.

>> There you go.

Honestly, I think you that was more of a

Honestly, I think you that was more of a

Honestly, I think you that was more of a modem voice than

modem voice than

modem voice than >> Oh my god. Late night television has

>> Oh my god. Late night television has

>> Oh my god. Late night television has never been more fiscally robust and

never been more fiscally robust and

never been more fiscally robust and governmentally appreciated.

governmentally appreciated.

governmentally appreciated. >> YEAH.

>> YEAH.

>> YEAH. >> WOW. THANKS. [cheering]

>> WOW. THANKS. [cheering]

>> WOW. THANKS. [cheering] THANKS, RONNIE. Is that true?

THANKS, RONNIE. Is that true?

THANKS, RONNIE. Is that true? >> Yeah. Yeah, of course. I mean,

>> Yeah. Yeah, of course. I mean,

>> Yeah. Yeah, of course. I mean, [applause] could I have printed

[applause] could I have printed

[applause] could I have printed something that isn't true?

something that isn't true?

something that isn't true? >> Ronnie Chang, everybody.

>> Ronnie Chang, everybody.

>> Ronnie Chang, everybody. >> [music]

[music]