Original subtitles

Morning, ladies.

Get off our case, Ken.

We're working as fast as we can.

We're human beings, you toad. I guess you haven't heard. I won that hundred

million dollar lottery, so my lawyer says I should retire.

No one wants a supervisor job, so heads or tails?

Heads.

Heads. So the new supervisor is, um, the one with the circle

earrings. Selma!

Where two different people can.

You still share the same email?

Yes.

Fine. Selma, congratulations.

I'll send you the onboarding info when I get back from the Ferrari dealership.

Supervisor. Huh. This could be good for us. Finally, no one breathing down our

neck humps. Yeah.

No one.

Another perfect checkup, Lisa.

Next. Hang tight, Dr. K. I just gotta freshen up.

All right. Let's see what we're working with here.

Four hours teeth cleaning.

Emergency whitening. Oreo exposure therapy for the hygienist. Do you have

any idea how much your stunt cost?

Can you really put a price on that kind of comedy?

What I can do is find a punishment that fits the crime.

Now you have an appointment with Dr.

Homer.

It's time to open wide and say, ah, my next patient, Xbox.

You wouldn't.

I can feel it. Why can I feel it?

Patty, look at that line.

You've been bedazzling for hours.

Okay, Ken.

Dazzler damp.

Denied stamp up, please.

This is my new office with a window so I can see my staff working or

Patty reading lesbian vampire erotica.

Heather? Relax, it's on reverse.

And here's my office air conditioner.

so I don't have to sweat like a rank and file.

Keep clicking.

I'll be in the can.

Upstairs bathroom!

Candle!

Oh, stupid Homer. If he mouthed cookie to Dennis, he'd be all like, who else

could I mouth cookie?

My life would be so awesome if Mom had never met him.

Hmm, sounds like you're finally seeing the light.

I hate Homer so much.

Hmm, perhaps the enemy of my brother-in-law is my nephew.

You know, Selma and I have been planning something very special for Homer J.

Simpson. But these days, Selma's too busy busting my clangers.

I know a way to kill your dad.

Whoa, whoa, I don't want to murder the guy.

Oh, crap, now I'm intrigued.

Explain. Not actually dead, just officially dead.

All I got to do is log in as my supervisor, Selma, with face

recognition.

Check this box, and Homer Simpson will be legally deceased.

Trust me, it will make every aspect of his life a living hell.

He won't even be able to rent a U-Haul.

He loves renting those things.

And he's gone.

Come on, get in there.

Ghost pepper?

More like pass for the friendly ghost. Oh, now it's kicking in.

Sorry,

officer. I was distracted because somebody threw a burrito through my

window. Oh, nothing good like that ever happened to me. License.

That's strange. According to the state database here...

You're dead.

Dead? Can I still rent a U-Haul?

You do seem alive, but this police machine is in charge, so I can't give

you a ticket.

Might want to get that cleared up. Otherwise, you won't be paying taxes or

union dues or getting any more spam phone calls.

Hmm, no taxes, dues, or the last thing. Maybe death can give me the life I've

always dreamed of.

Well, it's all right.

Riding around in the breeze, well, it's all right.

Hey, hey.

Homer was one of our greatest patrons.

Burger Reynolds, Princess Fry, and I are honored to induct you into the Krusty

Burger Widow's Free Fast Food for Life Club.

Thanks, I guess.

Gimme, gimme, gimme.

I should have died years ago.

How could this have backfired so hard?

You got too much slack in your pen-tang. The handbook says 35 math.

Do yourself a favor and read it over lunch.

How about I take my lunch right now?

Aunt Patty, I think we made a mistake killing my dad.

You didn't. Tell me you didn't. Big deal. I logged in as you and had Homer

declared dead. You impersonated a DMV supervisor.

You committed document fraud.

And worst of all, you executed Operation Kill Fatso without me.

What are you going to do about it?

Patricia Agatha Cruella Bouvier, you are fired!

Whoa! It's just hitting me now. You two are twins!

I'm sorry she said that, Patty.

Hold one sec.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Selma.

You can call her an A, you can call her a B, but you can't call her a... Oh, oh,

oh, one sec.

Yes, Lenny, I know they're twins.

Ever since Selma got this promotion, I haven't had a minute apiece. All day

long I'm on the phone listening to my sisters trash talk each other.

Honey, life is so short. Certainly mine was. So take it from your late husband.

Ghosts those hags.

If you get the job, we're really going to need you to push the customers

towards the heavier mix-ins.

Fine, but I can only work Mondays and Wednesdays.

Thursdays, Zoom only.

Um, I think we tell you the schedule.

Ah, thanks for coming in, but this isn't going to work out.

Hey, Patty, I'm sorry I got you fired.

Oh, it's not your fault. Me and my sister were due for a falling out. She

thinks she's so perfect, superior, bossy.

No at all. Mom and Dad's favorite.

Wow, sounds like you got yourself a real Lisa there.

I guess you and I are sort of the black sheep, aren't we? We're underachievers,

and I'm proud of it. But I'd be extra screwed up if people also confused me

for Lisa.

You know, you don't have to look just like Selma.

Genetics seem to say otherwise.

There's got to be something you can change to shake things up.

Great jump.

280. Beepy.

220.

Soxin'. That's a dog.

Come on, Aunt P. We're not here to just jump in the deep end. It's time to dive

in the shallow end.

Well, I do have an idea.

But no, no, it's probably too crazy.

I live.

Ready to meet your new fabulous aunt?

I can remember.

Next!

People just do whatever they want with me.

You look ridiculous.

What do you care?

I don't care. I'm glad you don't. It's just, what if someone thinks you're me?

Sounds like somebody cares.

I don't. I'm just worried about Jub-Jub. I've never seen him so upset.

Patty's out of control. First she gets a ridiculous haircut.

Did I tell you what condiments she got on the TV remote?

Yes, but Lisa hasn't heard yet. What did you tell her?

Under the bus, huh, Mom?

It was ketchup mustard and honey mustard.

Mind if I smoke?

Again, yes.

It sounds like you're going through a really tough time, Aunt Selma.

You have no idea what it's like living your whole life with a sibling whose

only joy is making you miserable.

Actually? I know exactly what that's like.

Patty's always stunted my personal growth. I even stopped dating because

she resented whenever I made a connection.

Interesting. Well, maybe it's time to dust off your online dating profile.

Hmm? How old is that photo?

It's not that old.

You're at a Howard Johnson's.

Well, if you want the most bang for your hole, I'd suggest we do your tragus.

It's the third sexiest part of the ear.

Gross.

You've got to do that one.

If Bart says it's a go, it's a go.

Oh, one more thing. You don't have a fear of extreme pain, do you?

No, I have a fear of stupid questions.

I think I'm going to enjoy this.

Awesome!

Who the hell are you?

Merle, I'm your sister's new nighttime friend, and you must be the infamous

twin. Did you sleep over?

Well, I didn't break in.

Can I make you some eggs? It's a special recipe, same one they serve in the JFK

Delta Lounge. I see you've met What's-His-Face.

Merle! We've got only two rules here.

MacGyver every Sunday. And no unvetted merles without the approval of both

twins. I have no twin anymore.

Ever since she weed whacked half her head.

This may be my infected tragus talking, but I'm done with this. All of this.

I hope you like Terragon.

At least my life coach isn't a 10-year-old boy.

Every second I'm around you, I feel like I'm in prison. That's the one thing we

have in common.

I'm out of here. Have a nice life.

Big relationship question.

Eggs runny or dry? I can live with either, but I gotta know now.

Selma, calm down.

What do you mean Patty moved out?

Patty's gone?

Where'd she go?

She said she's going to the place where she'll finally be happy and she's never

coming back.

These boots are made for walking and that's just what they'll do.

One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

I should have done this years ago. I feel so free.

This is a queer paradise. We have slurs for straight people here. And the

obscene amount of water wasted keeping this place green.

I love it.

But what are you going to do for work?

I already got a job. There's a high demand here for somebody like myself

with experience in government regulatory enforcement.

So.

You're applying to change a kitchen faucet in your 1948 Albert Frey house.

We found a perfect match to the original Pfister Center set hammered copper

faucet.

I'm not seeing patina.

Yeah, that's because it's new. But with time... Time is a luxury you do not

have.

Let me just taste your tiramisu. Looks so good.

Sorry, I don't have an extra spoon.

I don't mind. I'll just use yours.

Give me the check!

A Costington store credit card? Oh, no, Homer. That rewards program is a joke.

But lucky for you, I'm something of a credit card points guru. I'm going to

get you into a premium platinum card.

Now, I know you're going to have a little sticker shock at the annual fee,

but you'll forget all about that once you're relaxing in airport lounges with

all the meatballs you could fit on a four-inch plate.

He's one of those points guys.

I don't want my money to work for me.

So how much would you say you're spending on flights and hotels a month?

Oh, I thought things would be much better now that Patty's moved to Bed

Death Valley.

But this Merle guy, and I don't say this lightly... is a rough hang.

Well, Selma seems happy, and Patty seems like she's thriving in Palm Springfield.

And what's more important than seeming? Mom, Lisa and I have gotten closer to

our aunts over the past couple of weeks, and we don't think they're doing so

good. But seems.

I think... Selma's just pretending to like Merle. She makes him go to

Starbucks to use the bathroom, and she makes him sleep on the porch of her

building. She's like her outdoor cat.

Yeah, and based on her social media, I don't think Aunt Patty's much better.

The superficial fixes didn't go nearly as deep as I hoped.

How can I be happy when my sisters are so sad?

Don't worry, we have a plan.

Patty posted that she's going to a ladies' golf tournament this weekend in

Palm Springfield. They both love golf. Patty loves how fit the ladies are.

Selma loves how unfit the guys are. So we parent-trapped them into going to the

same tournament.

Then we fix it so they run into each other and they'll realize all their

problems are dumb.

Oh, the tournament's sold out.

The only tickets left are in the Amex VIP lounge.

As someone who's already dead, it kills me to say this.

There is one way into the Amex VIP lounge.

Amex? No problem.

We all sign up for Air Shelbyville credit cards for, you can't believe

they're being so dumb, 100K bonus miles each.

Then we take a short flight to Sioux Falls, which will skyrocket us to the

Diamond Mile tier, which we will immediately transfer to Comfort Lodge to

cover plus costs.

After just one night in their guaranteed suites program, we're earning 5X, 10X.

The multiples are insane.

And then we bring it all home by booking a hot air balloon prime rib adventure

for 20 people and then immediately canceling it.

That will get Homer to 1 million points or tickets to the Subaru Doc Martin

LPGA Tournament VIP Amex Lounge.

Merle, I gotta give it up to you. That was a hell of a points heist.

I'm sorry, sir, but it says here you're dead.

That's correct.

Well, we can't let you in. All your tickets are void because the cardholder

is deceased.

Merle, what do we do?

Well, I've run across this issue on a Hotel Points comment thread, and I'm

afraid you're going to need to be alive again, Homer.

No, no, no!

Now that I've tasted the sweet release of death, I don't want to live!

How much longer do I have?

I'm sorry, but you're out of time.

Please, Homer.

Patty and Selma are my closest family.

I get it. I also know how hard it's been being a widow with three kids.

Marge, you're the only person in the world I'd be willing to lay down my

death for.

Hey, Aunt Selma, quick photo.

Okay, Bart, you're a go.

Patty, look, it's Cynthia Nixon.

Hey, Aunt Selma, you'll get an even better view of Nellie Korda if you take

three big steps backwards.

I assume this was your idea. Another in your long list of stupid life decisions.

No, it wasn't. And I wish the triplet we absorbed in the womb was you. You've

always been jealous that I'm the hot one.

It's their secret twin language.

They haven't used it since they were little kids.

What's happening down there in hole one?

It appears two aging spinsters' decades of repressed conflict has suddenly

broken through to the surface.

Yep. Two more casualties of this notoriously difficult Jack Nicklaus

-designed par five.

It used to be you two against the world and honor.

What if this, what you two have, is the one truly great relationship in your

life?

Patty, do you actually like living here in Palm Springfield?

Okay, fine.

I hate it here. Who moves to the desert when they're having hot flashes?

And the brunch line? Whoa.

I put my name on the list two days ago.

And Selma, do you really want to be with Merle?

No! I'm miserable.

The sex is fine, but the endless cuddling after is killing me.

I'm a cuddler. Sex to me is foreplay. Cuddling is the main event.

Is it possible we've been twins for our whole lives, but we've never had a real,

honest conversation?

We know twin talk, but we gotta work on our sister talk.

We need you back at work.

Wait times are lower than ever. And no one's better than you at catching the

dirty words people try to sneak on their vanity plates.

See?

Actually, that one's just Mr.

Burns' eighth car.

This is why we need you.

All right, I'll come back to Springfield. But I think it's time that

we each get our own apartment.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you're competitive.